Callan's Kicks s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Good evening.
Welcome to the show.
Coming up tonight.
.
Queen Elizabeth hits the gin.
Good evening my former and future subjects.
Rachel Allen tells us about her wonderful life.
Today at Ballymaloe my friends and I are making some tasty treats for the locals to enjoy down at O'Brien's.
Jobbridge Joan says hello.
We fought hard to get Eamon Gilmore the European job.
We even had a campaign, Gilmore For Europe or further away if possible.
The zombie apocalypse reaches Walkinstown.
(SNEEZES) And in sport, The Sunday Game and those regional accents I'll never understand.
The Mayo selectors say they'd like to thank Galway for showing up the day after tomorrow and so bravely taking such a thrashing at the hands of Mayo's second string team.
It's Friday night.
Sit back, pour yourself a stiff drink and slip into something more comfortable, like that neighbour you've been eyeing up.
I'm Dobbo and this is Callan's Kicks.
Oh hello.
I was just enjoying some Angry Birds there or listening to Creatur and Claire Daly as they're known.
This week I appointed a new Tanaiste to our cabinet.
Joan Burton is no stranger to you all.
As Minister for Social Exclusion she embodied all the core beliefs of the Labour Party, such as slicing through child benefit, savaging the carer's grant and stealing medical cards from the sick.
Turn.
And Jobbridge Joan has been loyal to Fine Gael's 5 point plan for a battered Ireland.
Like the scheme to force thousands of jobless graduates to work for an extra 1 euro an hour, waxing the greens of billionaire hair joke, Donald Trump.
Jobbridge has also educated our feckless labour force with such hi-tech skills as stacking shelves in Tesco.
Our coalition has made some difficult decisions, such as how often should Pat Rabitte be turned to prevent bed sores and when I should be roused from my afternoon nap in order to check the fax machine for demands from the Troika.
These tough choices have led to increased growth.
Our diaspora has grown beyond all expectations.
Our airline industry is the first one in the world to offer one way only flights to Australia, America and Canada.
As a result of these policies, Labour got the electoral result they truly deserved.
We must also congratulate her defeated opponent, Alex White.
A man or woman who we didn't know existed until 2 months ago.
We look forward to forgetting him or her over the next 2 months.
Jobbridge Joan and I pledge to continue our people for profit alliance, giving dig-outs to those most in need.
Such as struggling multi-national giants, corrupt Gardai, incompetent quangos and overpaid hospital consultants.
Joan and Enda, together at last.
'Til massive national debt do us part.
Goodnight Irene.
If you can't lift 'em don't shift 'em and will the last man out of Ireland please quench the light.
Do do do do do do do do do do do do.
I'm Imelda May and I'm just so lucky to be telling yis all about my new show on RTE which is only brilliant, it is.
I just can't believe I'm here in the RTE studios, where Gay Byrne and Dickie Rock and all used to be here.
And Mike Murphy.
Oh my God, I used to fancy him, so I did.
Now everyone knows me, that I grew up in The Liberties in the 70's before electricity or the invention of the letters TH in that.
We didn't even have any colour back then.
Growing up a chisler was great in that we lived off the coddle and the bubble and squeak.
Kicked coal around the streets and all.
My first foreign holiday was going across to the Northside to see the Pope in the park.
The funniest thing happened during the mass.
Didn't the Pope Johnny Paul bend down to pick up a half a farthing and didn't he go and he farted and all.
One of the girls shouted up Johnny got a boom boom.
And the whole of the 15 acres broke into skits of laughter.
It was only brilliant, it was.
That's where the song came from.
One day I'm in The Liberties and I haven't a tinker's fart to my name.
Then I sang Johnny got a boom boom and all of a sudden I'm having the millions.
I was thrilled skinny I was.
Honest to God.
It's the most fun I had since I did that ad for Findus Fish Fingers back when I was a little chisler with the boys.
Findus Fish Fingers! Everyone's always asking me about the styling.
When I was a nipper and that, we used to play lamppost swing.
One day the girls tied my hair to the pole and they swung me around it and that's how I got the loop de loop in the hair and that.
Anyway, now I have my own show.
The Imelda May Show.
The idea came about because I've been on every show RTE's ever made.
We did loads of research.
Honest to God.
We watched Later With Jools Holland and then we had the show.
There'd be the music on it and that and I'd be singing hits like Johnny got a boom boom and the new single Sally got a room room.
As well as Blue suede rinse and my new hit, Who Shot Liberty's Valance Sheets.
So I just hope yis all tune in to Later With Jools Holland Imelda May Show.
Or if you've little chislers, watch my babby's new show, Earlier With Jools Holland And All.
It's only lovely.
Boom boom! We have to leave it there.
I have to go feed the babby.
Honest to God.
I'm the richest man in cabinet and this is my estate.
I'm passionate about health, not my own obviously.
But no matter what department I'm in charge of, there's one thing I love doing more than anything else.
Hello.
I'm James Reilly and I wreck things.
On this week's Wreck It Reilly, meet little Katie and her dollies which she got from Santy.
So they're irreplaceable and very expensive.
This is what I got from Santy.
Let's find out what happens when Mr.
Chainsaw and the dollies go play together.
But remember, I'm a qualified doctor so don't try this at home.
Ah poor Katie.
It's such meaningless waste, isn't it.
But not nearly as meaningless as that time I promised to abolish the HSE.
That was 3 years ago.
If Reilly can't wreck it, it can't be wrecked.
What's that? Oh yeah, if you want to top up your chaiansaw, why not try one of our beautiful petrol stations in lovely Balbriggan.
Mmm.
There's cheese in the coleslaw.
It's very gourmet.
.
Des, we're live! Hello and welcome to The Sunday Game with me, Des Cahill.
We're here for yet another Connaught final between Mayo and Galway.
On my panel tonight, Pat Spillane.
You're very excited about this one.
I'm playing Floppy Birds here.
That's how much of a shit I give about the Connaught Final.
Ah, died again.
Also on the panel, Joe Brolly.
Your anticipation is palpable, Joe.
(HUMS THEME FROM THE MISSION) Okay.
Now we're going to go live to Marty Morrissey who's at HQ.
Marty.
Marty's there.
This is going to be a cracking match Marty.
Galway are really going to give this a right go against Mayo.
Well of course Des.
The Mayo selectors say they'd like to thank Galway for showing up the day after tomorrow and so bravely taking such a thrashing at the hands of Mayo's second string team.
It's a hard match to call.
Very 50-50 between Galway and Mayo? Yes, of course Des.
If and when this Mayo team emerge triumphant on Sunday yet again, there won't be a curse lifted or a nurse shifted in Castlebar for a fortnight.
I'm Marty and I like to party.
Moving on, we've a new item here on The Sunday Game that has nothing to do with any other channel at all.
Breaking news! GAA news! News! Fresh newsy news.
Intense news.
I love news.
Hurling news.
What the feck? On the transfer market, Longford has swooped to secure a loan deal with Tyrone for Sean Kavanagh.
What is this? The deal is said to be worth 23 euro and an obese goalie who's only playing for the dinner dances invites.
Pat, you've a shocker of a story.
This just in.
Mick O'Dwyer sensationally comes out of retirement to manage the new All Ireland championships team, County Kazakhsta and their sponsors, the Russian petro chemical giant, Gazprom.
Micko says that the proud people of Kazakhstan and Gazprom have been close to his heart for many years and he's just doing it for the love of the game.
Though he says he will take his expenses and plans on driving from Waterville to Kazakhstan for training every Tuesday.
That's a commitment of serious intensity.
Hold on.
This is a disgrace.
Is this what we've done to the association? This Sky style dumb and down isn't what we stand for.
It's a tradition of history and drinking and begrudgery and putting your nephew in the team even though he doesn't deserve it.
It's about swearing at 7 year olds and arming women with camogie sticks and ham sandwiches.
It's the collecting of money at gates and lottos to fly selectors around the world.
Joe.
Joe.
I want an associate that calls the linesman a wee bollocks and feels awkward and uncomfortable and embarrassed in the company of women.
If someone wants pay for involvement in an amateur sport, you can forget about them as far as they're a man.
Joe, do you want to get paid next week? I do actually, yeah.
Me too.
Anyway, join us at 2am on Sunday morning when after the style, glitz and glamour of the World Cup, we will be here to bring you crashing down to earth with a recap of all the weekend's games, including the qualifiers that no-one attended and the camogie that no-one cared about.
My ideal day is daytime.
I put the sponsored shiny things on the table.
I suppose getting paid to set the table is like a ritual for me.
Like when I go to bed and Brian stays up watching men playing contact sports.
While I fall asleep tweeting inoffensive words at people I've never met, nor ever want to.
I wish I had real friends instead of Mr.
Rugby Ball.
But at least I have money! Welcome back.
A reminder of our top story.
The fall-out from the Garth Brooks concert fiasco continues this weekend.
Let's recap on this gigantic clusterbrook.
With so many interested parties, it's just as well there's lots of blame to go around.
First we have the troika of incompetent and money hungry organisers.
There's the GAA who agreed to host three concerts a year and them promptly booked eight.
I don't know what the GAA stands for but it's certainly not the Gaelic arithmetic association.
Next Aiken Promotions who booked Garth's 5 concerts without a licence, then waited months to apply for it.
And Garth Brooks himself, If Tomorrow Never Comes.
Well judging by the size of him, that's a distinct possibility.
I imagine it would've been quite a sight to see him being winched onto the reinforced stage in front of thousands of tone deaf Donegal people.
Secondly there's Dublin City Council.
Despite having 50,000 councillors, all the decisions are taken by one unelected representative.
The same man who introduced an 18 mile an hour speed limit in the city or the push your car to work scheme as it's known.
Finally, the Nimbi's, residents around Croke Park who bought a home next to one of the world's largest stadiums and then express surprise and outrage when it's used for events.
Yes, it's easy for me to say because it's not in my back yard.
That's because I didn't buy my house next to a gigantic bog ball arena on the Northside run by avaricious Catholics.
The cowboy hasn't gigged in Ireland since 1997.
He's now expected to resume his day job in Oklahoma, as a novelty bouncy castle.
"GOD SAVE THE QUEEN".
Good evening my former and future subjects.
This year one was delighted to welcome your leprechaun prime minister Michael and his wife, Edna Kenny.
Although one accepts his is a largely ceremonial role, since you sold your sovereignty to one's cousins, the Germans.
The United Kingdom has given so much to Eire, like the most comprehensive rail and tram network in Europe.
But Ryan Tubridy's grandfather tore it down and replaced it with Bus Eire and Dublin Bus.
You Irish do love a joke.
Your country has endured 800 years of famine, war and Gay Byrne, to rise up today to a state of extreme poverty.
Yours is a young state.
Younger than my husband.
But even at the age of 93, he'll probably outlive it.
Blasted paddies! Come back to bed Lizzy.
In a moment Philip.
Take care Eire.
One will wish to visit again in 2016 to mark the centenary of us crushing your Easter Rising.
You can pop us back the keys then.
And tell that Adams chap he'll get his united Ireland after all.
Up the rebels.
Coming up after the break, this.
I don't think I can hold it much longer, luv.
Who are you calling Rick? The guards, is it? No.
The only man who can make a difference.
It's an absolute disgrace Joe.
We're like prisoners on our own home.
We'll see you in two minutes.
Joan! Joan, over here! Joan, how has it been after your first week as Tanaiste? Yes, I'm absolutely delighted to be the first woman and the last ever person to lead The Labour Party.
It's testament to our democracy that with less than 3,000 votes cast I am now the second most powerful person in Ireland.
Sorry, third.
I just remembered Denis O'Brien.
Of course there's been lots of talk about age but at 65, I'm younger than most of the surviving members of the party.
I still believe in change.
That's why I've given more Labour TD's the chance to win a fat ministerial pension before we're all voted out of office next year.
Did you have any qualms about firing Pat Rabitte? Removing Pat Rabitte from cabinet was difficult as we had to knock through a whole wall to roll him out to freedom.
But the good news is that firing him made room for 3 more seats at the cabinet table and we actually found several dead Jobbridge interns in his folds.
What about Gilmore and the commissioner job? We fought hard to get Eamon Gilmore the European job.
We even had a campaign.
Gilmore For Europe, or further away if possible.
I would personally like to thank the retiring ministers for their services in taking Labour from the most popular ever socialist party in the last election, to what we are today.
A true reflection of modern Ireland.
Destroyed, unskilled and hopeless.
But we have unfinished business as there are still stubborn pockets of support for us around the country which we intend to root out and look forward to working with Taoiseach Enda Kelly.
We are Jenda.
The Jenda Agenda! Thank you.
Thank you all.
And now as the World Cup draws to a close, we turn to Republic of Ireland manager, Martin O'Neill, who's in Brazil.
Despite having gone 5 games without a win, he is somehow qualified to criticise the world's best teams on ITV.
He joins us live now from Rio.
Good evening to you Martin.
Good evening to you Dobbo.
First of all, tell us how this tournament has been for you.
It's been absolutely wonderful.
There have been some security concerns with police warning of pick pockets during the matches.
Especially if you're watching in a pub in Waterford.
There are of course language issues, it being in Brazil.
There are indeed some serious bars, especially when speaking to Adrian Childs or Phil Neville.
It's great to see RTE doing their bit for a fair society by sending a blind commentator to the World Cup.
That's incredible.
I'm sorry.
What exactly are you talking about? Peter Collins.
I presume he's blind because he doesn't have a clue what' going on in the matches.
He's so lucky to have that caring guide dog Jim Beglin at his side.
And you've got that panel of yours.
As thrilling as ever.
I'm always on the edge of my seat after the ad break to see if they come back awake or indeed alive.
Yes, it's Bill O'Herlihy's last World Cup.
They say the only way to tell his age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
Something Eamon tried to do after a couple of dozen too many at his book launch last year.
How do you rate this World Cup overall? It's been great.
The only thing that could've improved it is if Ireland had qualified.
That way we would've seen two squads of Englishmen get eliminated in the first round.
Speaking of the Irish team, what does the future hold? We've quite a tough group in store in the euro qualifiers.
Yes but I've high hopes for the qualifying.
We've a strong team.
Robbie Keane is still very fit for a 72 year old.
Richard Dunne still has one and a half kneecaps left.
I'm very confident.
Finally, I understand you've just launched a charity on behalf of the FAI.
What can you tell us about that? Yes, BAB stands for Bone A Brazilian.
We're asking every Irish man or woman out here to sleep with any Brazilian they can so that in 20 years we'll finally have some decent players.
Martin, thanks for that.
Martin.
Boning a German might be a better idea.
Although that wouldn't be any fun.
Hi, I'm Rachel Allen.
In this lovely new series I'll be giving you a glimpse into my wonderful life at Ballymaloe.
It's a life full of lovely friends and a rich family, with laughter and money and hunting and money and that thing we never ever talk about.
Oh and best of all.
.
It's funded by you plebs buying our relish.
Simply lovely.
I'm Rachel Allen and my Ballymaloe life is better than yours.
So today at Ballymaloe my friends and I are making some tasty treats for the locals to enjoy down at O'Brien's.
Yummy! Delicious.
Divine.
Apart from the fact that we're charging loads for them, we're practically giving them away.
I love the great outdoors.
The sights and sounds of nature.
Oh look, a bunny rabbit.
So cute! Oh look.
After that silly kerfuffle we never talk about, the family thought it might be curtains for our little multi-national empire, but we soon found there was a higher power that would always support us.
The lovely Irish media.
Ballymalou relishes you! (SNEEZES) Sorry bud.
You don't have a lend of a smoke, do you? Bleedin' walkers.
Stay close, son.
Why are we going outside? I got a tip on the 4.
15.
It's a sure thing.
Just don't tell your ma.
Watch out, walkers.
Why are they like this? Cos we're northsiders living on the southside.
Nothing makes any sense.
I'm off my box.
There are three kind of walkers, son.
This one, early house walkers.
Ah jaysus, I'd murder a banana Yazoo now.
This one's really desperate, son.
Talent show walker.
When the sun shine, all shine together.
Know that I'll be here forever.
You can stand under my umberella.
Ella ella.
A a a.
Killing her would be a mercy.
Semi-finals of The Voice, son.
She's already dead.
A a a.
Stand back, son.
It's the most dangerous of them all.
Celtic tiger walkers.
I bought here for half a mil when I was 7.
It's practically Portobello West.
Scum.
I was going to be out of negative equity by 2020.
I don't think we can hold it much longer, luv.
Who are you calling Rick? The guards, is it? No.
The only man who can make a difference.
It's an absolute disgrace Joe.
We're like prisoners in our own homes.
It's a joke.
I was only trying to get to a fancy dress party.
This country.
Right lads, only bring the essentials.
The Skybox, a rake of cans, my signed Robbie Fowler jersey and my Aslan CD.
We're getting out of here.
Grenade.
Fire in the hole.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on.
Rick, what are we going to do about food? Damn it.
You go ahead.
Myself and the boy will stop for a chipper.
We'll meet you in the safe place.
Crumlin Shopping Centre.
Yeah, it's great value.
And great fun for all the family.
ALL: Crumlin Shopping Centre.
How can I protect you in this crazy world? It's alright.
Yeah.
It's alright.
Why'd you buy a horse? Traffic son.
You can drive this in the bus lane.
Why is there so many abandoned cars around here? They're not abandoned.
This is Bill Cullen's new car dealership.
Penny Apples me hole.
Here mate.
You don't have the time, do you? Yeah I do.
It's time for you to f off.
Ah here.
Leave it out! That's all for now.
Go to our Facebook and Twitter for the full uncut Walkinstown Dead.
Next week, Paul Galvin, Amy and BOD at home and we visit the Royal Family.
Goodnight, take care and go back to sleep Ireland.
Welcome to the show.
Coming up tonight.
.
Queen Elizabeth hits the gin.
Good evening my former and future subjects.
Rachel Allen tells us about her wonderful life.
Today at Ballymaloe my friends and I are making some tasty treats for the locals to enjoy down at O'Brien's.
Jobbridge Joan says hello.
We fought hard to get Eamon Gilmore the European job.
We even had a campaign, Gilmore For Europe or further away if possible.
The zombie apocalypse reaches Walkinstown.
(SNEEZES) And in sport, The Sunday Game and those regional accents I'll never understand.
The Mayo selectors say they'd like to thank Galway for showing up the day after tomorrow and so bravely taking such a thrashing at the hands of Mayo's second string team.
It's Friday night.
Sit back, pour yourself a stiff drink and slip into something more comfortable, like that neighbour you've been eyeing up.
I'm Dobbo and this is Callan's Kicks.
Oh hello.
I was just enjoying some Angry Birds there or listening to Creatur and Claire Daly as they're known.
This week I appointed a new Tanaiste to our cabinet.
Joan Burton is no stranger to you all.
As Minister for Social Exclusion she embodied all the core beliefs of the Labour Party, such as slicing through child benefit, savaging the carer's grant and stealing medical cards from the sick.
Turn.
And Jobbridge Joan has been loyal to Fine Gael's 5 point plan for a battered Ireland.
Like the scheme to force thousands of jobless graduates to work for an extra 1 euro an hour, waxing the greens of billionaire hair joke, Donald Trump.
Jobbridge has also educated our feckless labour force with such hi-tech skills as stacking shelves in Tesco.
Our coalition has made some difficult decisions, such as how often should Pat Rabitte be turned to prevent bed sores and when I should be roused from my afternoon nap in order to check the fax machine for demands from the Troika.
These tough choices have led to increased growth.
Our diaspora has grown beyond all expectations.
Our airline industry is the first one in the world to offer one way only flights to Australia, America and Canada.
As a result of these policies, Labour got the electoral result they truly deserved.
We must also congratulate her defeated opponent, Alex White.
A man or woman who we didn't know existed until 2 months ago.
We look forward to forgetting him or her over the next 2 months.
Jobbridge Joan and I pledge to continue our people for profit alliance, giving dig-outs to those most in need.
Such as struggling multi-national giants, corrupt Gardai, incompetent quangos and overpaid hospital consultants.
Joan and Enda, together at last.
'Til massive national debt do us part.
Goodnight Irene.
If you can't lift 'em don't shift 'em and will the last man out of Ireland please quench the light.
Do do do do do do do do do do do do.
I'm Imelda May and I'm just so lucky to be telling yis all about my new show on RTE which is only brilliant, it is.
I just can't believe I'm here in the RTE studios, where Gay Byrne and Dickie Rock and all used to be here.
And Mike Murphy.
Oh my God, I used to fancy him, so I did.
Now everyone knows me, that I grew up in The Liberties in the 70's before electricity or the invention of the letters TH in that.
We didn't even have any colour back then.
Growing up a chisler was great in that we lived off the coddle and the bubble and squeak.
Kicked coal around the streets and all.
My first foreign holiday was going across to the Northside to see the Pope in the park.
The funniest thing happened during the mass.
Didn't the Pope Johnny Paul bend down to pick up a half a farthing and didn't he go and he farted and all.
One of the girls shouted up Johnny got a boom boom.
And the whole of the 15 acres broke into skits of laughter.
It was only brilliant, it was.
That's where the song came from.
One day I'm in The Liberties and I haven't a tinker's fart to my name.
Then I sang Johnny got a boom boom and all of a sudden I'm having the millions.
I was thrilled skinny I was.
Honest to God.
It's the most fun I had since I did that ad for Findus Fish Fingers back when I was a little chisler with the boys.
Findus Fish Fingers! Everyone's always asking me about the styling.
When I was a nipper and that, we used to play lamppost swing.
One day the girls tied my hair to the pole and they swung me around it and that's how I got the loop de loop in the hair and that.
Anyway, now I have my own show.
The Imelda May Show.
The idea came about because I've been on every show RTE's ever made.
We did loads of research.
Honest to God.
We watched Later With Jools Holland and then we had the show.
There'd be the music on it and that and I'd be singing hits like Johnny got a boom boom and the new single Sally got a room room.
As well as Blue suede rinse and my new hit, Who Shot Liberty's Valance Sheets.
So I just hope yis all tune in to Later With Jools Holland Imelda May Show.
Or if you've little chislers, watch my babby's new show, Earlier With Jools Holland And All.
It's only lovely.
Boom boom! We have to leave it there.
I have to go feed the babby.
Honest to God.
I'm the richest man in cabinet and this is my estate.
I'm passionate about health, not my own obviously.
But no matter what department I'm in charge of, there's one thing I love doing more than anything else.
Hello.
I'm James Reilly and I wreck things.
On this week's Wreck It Reilly, meet little Katie and her dollies which she got from Santy.
So they're irreplaceable and very expensive.
This is what I got from Santy.
Let's find out what happens when Mr.
Chainsaw and the dollies go play together.
But remember, I'm a qualified doctor so don't try this at home.
Ah poor Katie.
It's such meaningless waste, isn't it.
But not nearly as meaningless as that time I promised to abolish the HSE.
That was 3 years ago.
If Reilly can't wreck it, it can't be wrecked.
What's that? Oh yeah, if you want to top up your chaiansaw, why not try one of our beautiful petrol stations in lovely Balbriggan.
Mmm.
There's cheese in the coleslaw.
It's very gourmet.
.
Des, we're live! Hello and welcome to The Sunday Game with me, Des Cahill.
We're here for yet another Connaught final between Mayo and Galway.
On my panel tonight, Pat Spillane.
You're very excited about this one.
I'm playing Floppy Birds here.
That's how much of a shit I give about the Connaught Final.
Ah, died again.
Also on the panel, Joe Brolly.
Your anticipation is palpable, Joe.
(HUMS THEME FROM THE MISSION) Okay.
Now we're going to go live to Marty Morrissey who's at HQ.
Marty.
Marty's there.
This is going to be a cracking match Marty.
Galway are really going to give this a right go against Mayo.
Well of course Des.
The Mayo selectors say they'd like to thank Galway for showing up the day after tomorrow and so bravely taking such a thrashing at the hands of Mayo's second string team.
It's a hard match to call.
Very 50-50 between Galway and Mayo? Yes, of course Des.
If and when this Mayo team emerge triumphant on Sunday yet again, there won't be a curse lifted or a nurse shifted in Castlebar for a fortnight.
I'm Marty and I like to party.
Moving on, we've a new item here on The Sunday Game that has nothing to do with any other channel at all.
Breaking news! GAA news! News! Fresh newsy news.
Intense news.
I love news.
Hurling news.
What the feck? On the transfer market, Longford has swooped to secure a loan deal with Tyrone for Sean Kavanagh.
What is this? The deal is said to be worth 23 euro and an obese goalie who's only playing for the dinner dances invites.
Pat, you've a shocker of a story.
This just in.
Mick O'Dwyer sensationally comes out of retirement to manage the new All Ireland championships team, County Kazakhsta and their sponsors, the Russian petro chemical giant, Gazprom.
Micko says that the proud people of Kazakhstan and Gazprom have been close to his heart for many years and he's just doing it for the love of the game.
Though he says he will take his expenses and plans on driving from Waterville to Kazakhstan for training every Tuesday.
That's a commitment of serious intensity.
Hold on.
This is a disgrace.
Is this what we've done to the association? This Sky style dumb and down isn't what we stand for.
It's a tradition of history and drinking and begrudgery and putting your nephew in the team even though he doesn't deserve it.
It's about swearing at 7 year olds and arming women with camogie sticks and ham sandwiches.
It's the collecting of money at gates and lottos to fly selectors around the world.
Joe.
Joe.
I want an associate that calls the linesman a wee bollocks and feels awkward and uncomfortable and embarrassed in the company of women.
If someone wants pay for involvement in an amateur sport, you can forget about them as far as they're a man.
Joe, do you want to get paid next week? I do actually, yeah.
Me too.
Anyway, join us at 2am on Sunday morning when after the style, glitz and glamour of the World Cup, we will be here to bring you crashing down to earth with a recap of all the weekend's games, including the qualifiers that no-one attended and the camogie that no-one cared about.
My ideal day is daytime.
I put the sponsored shiny things on the table.
I suppose getting paid to set the table is like a ritual for me.
Like when I go to bed and Brian stays up watching men playing contact sports.
While I fall asleep tweeting inoffensive words at people I've never met, nor ever want to.
I wish I had real friends instead of Mr.
Rugby Ball.
But at least I have money! Welcome back.
A reminder of our top story.
The fall-out from the Garth Brooks concert fiasco continues this weekend.
Let's recap on this gigantic clusterbrook.
With so many interested parties, it's just as well there's lots of blame to go around.
First we have the troika of incompetent and money hungry organisers.
There's the GAA who agreed to host three concerts a year and them promptly booked eight.
I don't know what the GAA stands for but it's certainly not the Gaelic arithmetic association.
Next Aiken Promotions who booked Garth's 5 concerts without a licence, then waited months to apply for it.
And Garth Brooks himself, If Tomorrow Never Comes.
Well judging by the size of him, that's a distinct possibility.
I imagine it would've been quite a sight to see him being winched onto the reinforced stage in front of thousands of tone deaf Donegal people.
Secondly there's Dublin City Council.
Despite having 50,000 councillors, all the decisions are taken by one unelected representative.
The same man who introduced an 18 mile an hour speed limit in the city or the push your car to work scheme as it's known.
Finally, the Nimbi's, residents around Croke Park who bought a home next to one of the world's largest stadiums and then express surprise and outrage when it's used for events.
Yes, it's easy for me to say because it's not in my back yard.
That's because I didn't buy my house next to a gigantic bog ball arena on the Northside run by avaricious Catholics.
The cowboy hasn't gigged in Ireland since 1997.
He's now expected to resume his day job in Oklahoma, as a novelty bouncy castle.
"GOD SAVE THE QUEEN".
Good evening my former and future subjects.
This year one was delighted to welcome your leprechaun prime minister Michael and his wife, Edna Kenny.
Although one accepts his is a largely ceremonial role, since you sold your sovereignty to one's cousins, the Germans.
The United Kingdom has given so much to Eire, like the most comprehensive rail and tram network in Europe.
But Ryan Tubridy's grandfather tore it down and replaced it with Bus Eire and Dublin Bus.
You Irish do love a joke.
Your country has endured 800 years of famine, war and Gay Byrne, to rise up today to a state of extreme poverty.
Yours is a young state.
Younger than my husband.
But even at the age of 93, he'll probably outlive it.
Blasted paddies! Come back to bed Lizzy.
In a moment Philip.
Take care Eire.
One will wish to visit again in 2016 to mark the centenary of us crushing your Easter Rising.
You can pop us back the keys then.
And tell that Adams chap he'll get his united Ireland after all.
Up the rebels.
Coming up after the break, this.
I don't think I can hold it much longer, luv.
Who are you calling Rick? The guards, is it? No.
The only man who can make a difference.
It's an absolute disgrace Joe.
We're like prisoners on our own home.
We'll see you in two minutes.
Joan! Joan, over here! Joan, how has it been after your first week as Tanaiste? Yes, I'm absolutely delighted to be the first woman and the last ever person to lead The Labour Party.
It's testament to our democracy that with less than 3,000 votes cast I am now the second most powerful person in Ireland.
Sorry, third.
I just remembered Denis O'Brien.
Of course there's been lots of talk about age but at 65, I'm younger than most of the surviving members of the party.
I still believe in change.
That's why I've given more Labour TD's the chance to win a fat ministerial pension before we're all voted out of office next year.
Did you have any qualms about firing Pat Rabitte? Removing Pat Rabitte from cabinet was difficult as we had to knock through a whole wall to roll him out to freedom.
But the good news is that firing him made room for 3 more seats at the cabinet table and we actually found several dead Jobbridge interns in his folds.
What about Gilmore and the commissioner job? We fought hard to get Eamon Gilmore the European job.
We even had a campaign.
Gilmore For Europe, or further away if possible.
I would personally like to thank the retiring ministers for their services in taking Labour from the most popular ever socialist party in the last election, to what we are today.
A true reflection of modern Ireland.
Destroyed, unskilled and hopeless.
But we have unfinished business as there are still stubborn pockets of support for us around the country which we intend to root out and look forward to working with Taoiseach Enda Kelly.
We are Jenda.
The Jenda Agenda! Thank you.
Thank you all.
And now as the World Cup draws to a close, we turn to Republic of Ireland manager, Martin O'Neill, who's in Brazil.
Despite having gone 5 games without a win, he is somehow qualified to criticise the world's best teams on ITV.
He joins us live now from Rio.
Good evening to you Martin.
Good evening to you Dobbo.
First of all, tell us how this tournament has been for you.
It's been absolutely wonderful.
There have been some security concerns with police warning of pick pockets during the matches.
Especially if you're watching in a pub in Waterford.
There are of course language issues, it being in Brazil.
There are indeed some serious bars, especially when speaking to Adrian Childs or Phil Neville.
It's great to see RTE doing their bit for a fair society by sending a blind commentator to the World Cup.
That's incredible.
I'm sorry.
What exactly are you talking about? Peter Collins.
I presume he's blind because he doesn't have a clue what' going on in the matches.
He's so lucky to have that caring guide dog Jim Beglin at his side.
And you've got that panel of yours.
As thrilling as ever.
I'm always on the edge of my seat after the ad break to see if they come back awake or indeed alive.
Yes, it's Bill O'Herlihy's last World Cup.
They say the only way to tell his age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
Something Eamon tried to do after a couple of dozen too many at his book launch last year.
How do you rate this World Cup overall? It's been great.
The only thing that could've improved it is if Ireland had qualified.
That way we would've seen two squads of Englishmen get eliminated in the first round.
Speaking of the Irish team, what does the future hold? We've quite a tough group in store in the euro qualifiers.
Yes but I've high hopes for the qualifying.
We've a strong team.
Robbie Keane is still very fit for a 72 year old.
Richard Dunne still has one and a half kneecaps left.
I'm very confident.
Finally, I understand you've just launched a charity on behalf of the FAI.
What can you tell us about that? Yes, BAB stands for Bone A Brazilian.
We're asking every Irish man or woman out here to sleep with any Brazilian they can so that in 20 years we'll finally have some decent players.
Martin, thanks for that.
Martin.
Boning a German might be a better idea.
Although that wouldn't be any fun.
Hi, I'm Rachel Allen.
In this lovely new series I'll be giving you a glimpse into my wonderful life at Ballymaloe.
It's a life full of lovely friends and a rich family, with laughter and money and hunting and money and that thing we never ever talk about.
Oh and best of all.
.
It's funded by you plebs buying our relish.
Simply lovely.
I'm Rachel Allen and my Ballymaloe life is better than yours.
So today at Ballymaloe my friends and I are making some tasty treats for the locals to enjoy down at O'Brien's.
Yummy! Delicious.
Divine.
Apart from the fact that we're charging loads for them, we're practically giving them away.
I love the great outdoors.
The sights and sounds of nature.
Oh look, a bunny rabbit.
So cute! Oh look.
After that silly kerfuffle we never talk about, the family thought it might be curtains for our little multi-national empire, but we soon found there was a higher power that would always support us.
The lovely Irish media.
Ballymalou relishes you! (SNEEZES) Sorry bud.
You don't have a lend of a smoke, do you? Bleedin' walkers.
Stay close, son.
Why are we going outside? I got a tip on the 4.
15.
It's a sure thing.
Just don't tell your ma.
Watch out, walkers.
Why are they like this? Cos we're northsiders living on the southside.
Nothing makes any sense.
I'm off my box.
There are three kind of walkers, son.
This one, early house walkers.
Ah jaysus, I'd murder a banana Yazoo now.
This one's really desperate, son.
Talent show walker.
When the sun shine, all shine together.
Know that I'll be here forever.
You can stand under my umberella.
Ella ella.
A a a.
Killing her would be a mercy.
Semi-finals of The Voice, son.
She's already dead.
A a a.
Stand back, son.
It's the most dangerous of them all.
Celtic tiger walkers.
I bought here for half a mil when I was 7.
It's practically Portobello West.
Scum.
I was going to be out of negative equity by 2020.
I don't think we can hold it much longer, luv.
Who are you calling Rick? The guards, is it? No.
The only man who can make a difference.
It's an absolute disgrace Joe.
We're like prisoners in our own homes.
It's a joke.
I was only trying to get to a fancy dress party.
This country.
Right lads, only bring the essentials.
The Skybox, a rake of cans, my signed Robbie Fowler jersey and my Aslan CD.
We're getting out of here.
Grenade.
Fire in the hole.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on.
Rick, what are we going to do about food? Damn it.
You go ahead.
Myself and the boy will stop for a chipper.
We'll meet you in the safe place.
Crumlin Shopping Centre.
Yeah, it's great value.
And great fun for all the family.
ALL: Crumlin Shopping Centre.
How can I protect you in this crazy world? It's alright.
Yeah.
It's alright.
Why'd you buy a horse? Traffic son.
You can drive this in the bus lane.
Why is there so many abandoned cars around here? They're not abandoned.
This is Bill Cullen's new car dealership.
Penny Apples me hole.
Here mate.
You don't have the time, do you? Yeah I do.
It's time for you to f off.
Ah here.
Leave it out! That's all for now.
Go to our Facebook and Twitter for the full uncut Walkinstown Dead.
Next week, Paul Galvin, Amy and BOD at home and we visit the Royal Family.
Goodnight, take care and go back to sleep Ireland.