Camp s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Ooh-ooh-ooh You're going to love it.
You'll swim, you'll hike, you'll earn some money.
Dad, don't leave me here, okay? They don't even have Internet.
Hey, Kip, you see that big ball of fire in the sky? It's the sun.
I know the past few years have been hard.
Oh, I'm missing DocuFest.
Maybe it's okay to take a break from holocaust movies for a few months.
You'll be outdoors.
Dad, this is not going to be some coming-of-age movie, okay? It's not going to be the greatest summer of my life.
I'm not changing who I am to conform to some freakish, outdoorsy cult mentality.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, I don't know about this place.
If you get bored, give us a call.
Rick can come get you.
No, I'm good.
I'll be fine.
Love you, baby.
[Smooches.]
- I love you, buddy.
- Yeah.
Can you just say that a little louder? [Sighs.]
You are out of my league All the things I believe You were just the right kind Yeah, you are more [screams.]
[Screaming.]
Hey, welcome to Little Otter Family Camp.
You guys, we have so much great stuff planned.
I want to see everybody at the talent show on Friday night.
Don't be shy.
Oh! We have a birthday.
Declan Tracy turns seven today.
[Cheers and applause.]
Whoo! So let's give Declan a big Little Otter Happy Birthday.
Okay.
round the halls you must go you must go, you must go round the halls you must go it's your birthday [mouthing.]
Oh, my God.
round the halls you must go - Hey, man.
- Hey, how was your year? Good.
I got into Law school.
How 'bout you? I crewed a boat down to turks and Caicos with this rich chick, taught some snowboarding in Aspen, climbed Machu Picchu, ate mushrooms on the top.
- But Law school, nice.
- Hey, have you seen Sarah? All: you must go, you must go, you must go round the halls Hey, dark star.
I can't hear you.
That's because I'm not singing.
You're a C.
I.
T.
, a counselor in training.
It's a kid's birthday.
What's your problem? Just trying to maintain my dignit - No, just sing.
- Ow! Do it.
Sing! [Cheers and applause.]
Yeah.
Okay, folks, have a great summer! Whoo-hoo! Hey, Mack, where's Steve? Yeah, where's your handsome husband? Good question, Don.
Where is Steve? [Moaning.]
Oh, Steve.
Steve's on a new path.
But you know what? Change is good, change is what makes us grow.
And you know who is here, Don? I am.
And I am totally up for the job.
There's brown sludge coming out of the showers.
It smells like poo.
Pool table's in the rec hall.
Use it or lose it.
Cole.
Yup.
What's this gonna cost me? I don't know yet.
Hey, that really sucks about you and Steve, huh? Yeah.
Does that chick even speak English? No, Cole, she's a Russian aesthetician who doesn't speak English.
But, hey, maybe it's the universe talking.
Steve was never much of a conversationalist, and he has psoriasis, so whoo-hoo, good for him.
So when did you and Steve stop having sex? I'm not gonna discuss my personal life with you.
Besides, as you get older, sex becomes less important.
You replace it with more intimate experiences like watching tv or walks or taking showers together.
If you're already in the shower, why not just go ahead and bang? You can't just bang all the time when you have a kid, Cole.
How is Buzz doing? I'm super worried about him.
He's a sensitive and fragile boy.
By June 15th, I'm playing with boobs.
Both hands, full cupping.
By fourth of July, I'm going down South.
The end of summer, I'm getting laid.
Or at least a b.
j.
I have it all written down.
So I need a good sex-inducing assignment.
- Robbie, I'm begging.
- Let's just throw this away, man, because it is super creepy.
How does mayor of toddler town sound? No, no, no, do not put me with those babies, Robbie.
Do not.
No.
Oh! [Laughing.]
He really needs his mom right now.
Good morning, Little Otters.
Happy first day.
You all booked up? Ridgefield is.
At all six locations.
So are we, almost.
I heard about Steve.
Harsh.
It was a mutual breakup.
You know, you should come to this lecture series I'm doing on living in the truth.
- Do you good.
- No, thanks, Roger.
You sure you can run this place all by yourself? She'll be fine.
'Cause I'm happy to take this mess off your hands.
You can stay on as manager, finally put a cell tower in.
People love their phones, Mack.
I am not selling Little Otter, Roger.
So take your big, shiny car and your stupid sunglasses and your too tight t-shirt and leave.
Please.
God.
[Clang.]
Okay.
You know where to find me.
[Liquid splashing.]
Oliver, listen to me.
Poison Ivy rash is very contagious.
Don't touch anyone.
Or yourself.
Especially in sensitive areas.
Hey, Buzz, what's up? A three-year-old threw up on me.
Girls love guys who are good with kids.
It's genetic.
Hey, since I'm working here this summer, paying taxes, I believe it would be good for my growth if I moved into boys town with the other C.
I.
T.
S instead of living with my mom.
Absolutely not.
I'm gonna ask dad next week when he comes.
Not his call.
- Why, mom? - Oh, Buzz.
Little Buzzy bee, it is so hard to say no to you, but I'm totally gonna because this is family camp, and we are a family.
We gotta stick together.
Toodaloo, toodaloo to the old railway I cool my heart down in the shade who are you okay, you sure you know what you're doing, Mr.
Gimbel? 'Cause I'm sensing some confusion.
'Sup, boys? What's the deal with that Sarah girl? She's hot.
She's taken.
For the last ten summers.
12.
Go ahead.
Go for it.
Take a shot.
I don't know what's going on.
I haven't even talked to her yet.
They do this little dance at the beginning of every summer.
It's getting a little tedious.
Hey, Sarah.
You gave up swimming? I can't believe it.
Every day was just the same thing, Mack.
It was like groundhog day.
You ever feel like that? Well, my life just blew up, so every day is a new and frightening experience, so - I'm so sorry, Mack.
- Yeah.
- Steve's dumb.
- Thanks, hon.
Robbie's looking at you.
- He is? - Mm-hmm.
oh, oh, oh Noah! Get back here! Oh, oh, oh That's it.
Your inner tube privileges are revoked.
I'm telling your mom.
No, you're not telling my mom.
Unbelievable.
[Panting.]
Hi.
I'm Buzz.
I ate a bee as a kid.
All right.
[Shouts.]
[Grunts.]
No.
I'm gonna row.
You suck.
I'm kip.
Oh, I'm gonna tell your mom.
There's a tree that if you climb it, you get reception at the top.
- Really? - Hey.
Um, this is kind of a private conversation.
Nice bathing suit, by the way.
Thanks.
[Girls giggling.]
O kay.
Marina, they're all over the Internet.
If Martin scorsese asked you to do a nude scene, sure, then we can talk, but Keanu Ramble? He's a degenerate.
Now all the boys have seen your boobs, and all the girls are gonna think you're a slut.
Look at that.
Let's do a float-by.
What? No.
I'm on a schedule this summer.
Labor day weekend, that raft, moonlight, glistening nipples, I lose something I'm too old to have.
- Glistening nipples? - Watch and learn.
Buzz.
What's up, ladies? Everyone's looking good in their bathing suits.
Hope you're all using the recommended amount of S.
P.
F.
All right, then.
See you around.
That was brutal.
It was awesome.
We're on their radar.
- You know what we need now? - Cloak of invisibility? Condoms.
Ridgefield guys.
Stay cool.
[Whistling.]
I wanna show ya Condoms.
Trust me, don't overbuy.
Hey, kip from the dining hall, right? I'm marina.
Sarah sent me for supplies.
Cool.
What's on your list? Uh, cinnamon, some other stuff.
How's your nose? I-I saw that.
Oh, yeah, it's fine.
I barely felt it.
Yeah, there's a bunch of kids at my school named after spices.
There's a girl named Pepper and another girl named Cardamom.
Well, it's just two.
Guess you become a parent and just lose your mind.
Yeah, right? $40? That's highway robbery.
I have a vague memory of you reminding me to pick up cheap booze at trader Joe's before we left.
Well, you've had a lot on your plate lately, honey.
I don't want to buy this on principle, but I don't think I can survive the entire summer at family camp without alcohol.
Empire will survive.
Let's take the hit.
One more? Both: Two.
Hey, Buzz.
- Hey! - How's your mom? We heard about the divorce.
No, she's good, really good.
Well, we're at Little Otter all summer 'cause the house is being remodeled.
Tell your mom to stop by our cabin.
We have lots of gin That we're paying way too much money for.
Hey, Grace.
Hey, Buzz.
What you got there? - Nothing.
- Really? 'Cause it looks like a box of condoms.
No, it's just a box of other things.
Watch it, big guy.
- Okay.
- What did you say? Uh, you said, "watch it, big guy," which is hilarious, by the way, and then I said, "okay.
" Don't be a wise-ass, freak.
[Clattering.]
Hey! Knock it off.
Are you okay? Wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, baby - And forward, back.
- wobble, yeah, wobble, baby wobble, baby And around.
We go to the other side, and forward! - Get in there, yeah, yeah - And back! Get in there, yeah, yeah To the right! Get in there, yeah, yeah - To the left.
- get in there yeah, yeah Forward, back.
Cha, cha, cha.
Around Ooh! Whoo! Yeah! That was crappy this afternoon.
- Those guys were a-holes.
- I don't care.
Look at these people.
I'd rather blow my brains out.
[Chuckles.]
You don't like it here, do you? I'm not into group activities.
You've never been to comic-con? Oh, nice attempt to classify me.
No.
I don't like graphic novels.
I like documentaries and music.
Neo-alt and old-school bluegrass.
- You're smart.
- Yeah, well, look at me.
It would be so sad if I wasn't.
[Scoffs.]
You don't seem like a camp person.
[Music, laughter in background.]
Who knows what kind of person I am? You know what? I'm going in.
And around we go.
To the other side! And forward! wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, yeah - To the right.
- wobble, baby, wobble, baby wobble, baby, wobble, yeah wobble, baby, wobble, baby Take it round to the other side.
Mack.
- What? - get in there, yeah, yeah - [mouthing.]
- get in there, yeah, yeah get in there, yeah, yeah - Hey.
- Hi.
You're a week early.
What's up? Listen, um, Ekaterina's waiting in the car, so I'm just gonna get right to it.
You need to buy me out of my stake in the camp.
What? Now? I don't have the money yet.
Then put Little Otter on the market.
I don't know.
I'm not giving up Little Otter so that you can buy jewelry for a woman that pulls out pubic hair for a living.
- Ekaterina wants kids.
- What? - Dad.
- Hey, Buzz, what's up? You look good.
Hey, you wanna have a steak with us? Ekaterina's dying to see you.
Is that is that cool? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Hmm.
- Awesome.
Back it up yeah, make 'em back it up Want a little warmth but who's gonna save a little warmth for me [Chuckles.]
Uh whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Sarah.
- Back off, youngster.
Awaits unbelievers all of the sinners the same Hey, Cole, can I bum a little weed? I don't have any.
- You're smoking right now.
- No, I'm not.
And your mom would kill me.
If I'm born again I know that the world will disagree want a little grace but who's gonna save Is this log taken? Do you, like, have an outcast fetish? Those girls suck, and also they don't like me.
We have no booze or bud.
Hi.
Hi.
You know, my mom's boyfriend smokes weed and plays Xbox all day and eats all the food in the house.
I hate it.
But the dumbass is too high to know when some's missing.
The world has planned for me You know there are these lsat classes and practice tests you can do, right? [Giggles.]
The other thing you want to do is really research the schools that you're trying [Chuckles.]
Give me just a second.
[Grunts.]
Can I help you, weirdo? I read somewhere that you should never walk across a room for a man.
So I threw rocks.
Right.
How was your year? It was weird.
I quit swimming.
Why? You love swimming.
Just wasn't fun anymore.
Let me see your hands.
[Giggles.]
Wow.
No prunes.
Cool.
You don't have to get up at the crack of ass anymore.
I'm pretty sure that the new counselor with the big boobs wants to hook up with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
You should go for it.
You want to get out of here? We run, we run the night we run, we run the night the night, the night - Great.
- What? We're in top 40 hell, guys.
[Laughs.]
Shut up.
I love this song.
Guys, telling a story.
So anyway, my dad's all laughing too loud while slutlana sits there smelling like eggs.
He's 44.
She's 24.
Isn't she gonna get tired of that old guy coming at her? [Russian accent.]
"Oy, Steve, I am exhausted.
"All day long, I rip out pubic hair.
Put away that ancient penis.
" [Laughs.]
[Russian accent.]
"Steve, you are like siberian bear.
" [Attempts Russian accent.]
"Ooh, Steve, stop.
Hawaii Five-O is on.
" What? Why is she French now? What, that wasn't Russian? I don't know what that was.
[Laughs.]
Look at the stars.
We don't have stars like that in the city.
They're like little diamonds.
Why does everybody love looking at the stars so much? [Sarcastic.]
Ooh, the stars.
I hate them.
I hate thinking about space and the universe.
I mean, why aren't we being attacked by aliens right now? I can't handle it.
It makes me feel too small.
You guys, I am I am really freaking out right now.
Just close your eyes.
[Song continues in background.]
Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh turn the lights down This is the best song I have ever heard in my life.
[Laughter.]
Yes, we run yes, we [mellow pop music.]
- Ow! - Sorry.
Whoa.
What are you doing in the middle of the water? It's a lake, not a street, jackass.
- You all right? - No.
Oh, you should put some ice on that.
Come on, let's get you to shore.
[Groans.]
So these are the douchey Ridgefield villas.
Nice.
Do they bring you scrambled diamonds for breakfast? Usually it's just buttered money.
- Wait, so you're here alone? - Yup.
Dude, that's creepy.
This is like a family place.
Cool.
I'm trying to get some work done.
My editor thought being in a wholesome setting would help.
Hey, you open to a little feedback? Not usually.
- You suck at kayaking.
- Maybe you suck at swimming.
Uh, no, I'm a pretty good swimmer, thanks.
I just stopped, but I almost made the Olympics last year, so Why did you stop swimming? Actually, it wasn't my choice.
Ow.
There was an incident.
Involving my car and pot, alcohol, and a flagpole.
So I lost my scholarship.
Yeah, but it's fine.
I mean, I don't even really know if I want to be a swimmer.
[Chuckles.]
Ah.
I just realized who you are.
You're Miguel Santos.
You wrote "The Heart is an Arsenal".
You mentioned your editor.
Do not lie to me.
- Okay, yes.
- [Chuckles.]
I loved your book.
Like, adored it.
I mean, it was kinda long, though, I will say that.
Thanks for the note.
Miguel Santos just, like, fixed my head.
Okay, uh, well, thank you.
I gotta go.
I gotta make lunch for, like, a hundred people.
Plus, it's circus day.
Thanks.
Whoa! [Knocks.]
What's up? What happened with Steve last night? You looked upset.
- Oh, is this a bad time? - No.
Come in, honey.
They're right back here.
Mack? You don't wanna hear this stuff.
It's the kind of thing you designed your entire life to avoid.
Emma, I've explained this five times already.
Your mom says you're gifted, but I'm not seeing it.
Hey, you burn through that box of rubbers yet? - What are rubbers? - Hey, don't interrupt.
Nice to see you don't talk down to them.
Well, I love kids, and they love me.
It's all about having a pure soul.
Uh-huh.
You wanna just show me how to make a bracelet? Oh, yes, grace, I can.
Because if there's one thing I've learned this summer, it's how to make these faggy bracelets.
What does "faggy" mean? You know my dads are gay, right? They're not just, like, really good friends raising kids together.
I didn't mean it like that.
I meant it like "retarded.
" That's a bad word.
- Emma.
- Hey! What's shakin'? Isn't this great? I'm gonna order rain every year for circus day.
[Children chattering.]
Is everything all right? - Mom, just let it go.
- Hey, watch the tone.
Are you trying to, like, socially murder me this summer? Back off.
I will not, Buzz.
I'm worried about you.
No, mom, this is about you.
You're freaking out because dad left.
Buzz, I know that you're hurting.
I know that you need to talk.
I don't wanna talk! I just wanna move to boys town.
That's all I want! Like last night, that must have been very confusing for you to have dinner with your father and Ekaterina.
No, not really.
Ekat's really cool.
Dad totally traded up.
- Take that back.
- No! what's that book you're reading upstairs in your room if I could swing you in wouldn't have to talk to you Sorry.
Just wanna have a look at you Give me that before you take someone's eye out.
Oh, it's smug Roger.
[Chuckles.]
Smoger.
How about we get some chili fries into you and soak up some of that booze? Oh.
[Coin jingles.]
Hey, that's my quarter.
Threw my son off the dock today.
Like, seriously, I was mad.
Child abuse.
I think the parent-child relationship's a doomed thing.
Wow, thanks.
Is that from one of your lectures? When I was a kid, I convinced myself that Bruce Springsteen was my father.
I hated my dad.
He was mean.
My mom, though, was great.
She brought me on business trips to the states, and she loved Springsteen.
Took me to a show when I was eight.
She told me how cool he was and how he cared about everyone.
So I told myself I was their love child.
Wow, Roger, that story is so sad.
But kinda sweet and humanizing.
By the way, I saw Steve today and his Russian in the sandwich shop.
She's not that hot.
Kinda horsey.
[Grunts.]
You know, I always hated this car, but I must say it is roomy and well-upholstered.
Thanks.
Somehow that humanizes you.
Oh, hey! Just arrived, and we're here for months.
- Oh! - How are you? I had sex with Roger Shepard in a car.
- Ooh.
- What? Really? Well, you saw what happened with Buzz, and then Steve turns up asking for $200,000 so that he can have babies with a Russian.
- Whoa! - No.
What are you gonna do? I guess distract yourself by sleeping with somebody you despise.
No, I get it.
Sometimes the ones you hate are the ones you most want to sleep with.
One time, before Dave, I had a one-night stand with Christopher Hitchens.
God rest his soul.
The guy was a total blowhard, but it was fantastic.
He had Mom, I beat Nicky at tetherball! That's awesome! Go! The guy had a tongue like Gene Simmons.
I swear to God it had a battery in it.
Man, I was a slut in my 20s.
- And now I'm at family camp.
- Aw.
Morning, Buzz.
Hey, babe.
[Clears throat.]
Hey.
You tried to drown me.
Oh, come on.
The water's 3 feet deep.
You can swim.
I was wearing a donkey head.
Stop being such a drama queen.
Can we get back to Roger, please? Okay, I have a theory as to why I Oh, Fyo, you're bleeding.
Did the thing with Roger.
So curious, Mack, pitch it out.
It's just a skinned knee.
It's not a compound fracture.
Todd here thinks I'm ruining our children because I'm kind.
I just wanna hear about the grown-ups having sex.
I was exorcising Steve.
You think? How was it? I saw colors.
Then I went right back to hating him.
You're opening your second act with a one-night stand.
I love it.
Do you think Roger knows that it was a one-night stand? You had sex in a car.
Seems pretty obvious.
Announcements, announcements, announcements.
The badminton equipment has gone missing.
I know, "shuttlecock" is a funny word, but that's no excuse.
Also, talent show tonight.
Dig deep.
You're Americans.
You've got talent.
I've gotta shut down this thing with Roger.
Mm.
- Hey.
- Hi.
"Miguel Santos"? This book sucked.
Shut up.
Hey.
I'm going to Stanford for Law school.
What? Stanford Stanford? Like, where I go? Uh, no, the one in the Dominican Republic yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Where you go.
I had no idea you applied.
Well, I applied at a lot of places.
Robbie, that's kind of weird and presumptuous.
You should've run it past me.
Well, we don't talk during the year.
Exactly.
What, so this is what it is, and it can't be more than that? No.
I don't know.
This is just more pressure that I don't need right now.
Well, what does that mean? I mean, what kind of pressure are you under? Um, uh, have you not read a newspaper lately? The economy, North Korea Oh, what does Kim Jong-Un's rocket fetish have to do with me attending Stanford? You sound insane right now.
Okay, well, in addition to being insane, I'm really busy, so [Sighs.]
Oh! God, I hate you.
Ah! - I know, right? - Move the stapler.
Oh.
Oh! Hit it.
Right.
Okay, you're supposed to hit that.
I screwed him again.
I knew that would happen.
I called it.
Didn't I call that? He did, right after you left.
I think Steve's midlife crisis is rubbing off on me.
I just, I can't stop.
Well, maybe lanyard girl here can whip up a chastity belt for you.
[Grunts.]
[Laughter.]
So you've been here every summer since you were born? - Don't you get bored? - No.
It's awesome.
- I run this place.
- Oh, look, Fyodor.
It's reverend Fred Phelps from Westboro Baptist.
I don't know what that means.
Read the paper, you intolerant jerk.
Grace, I'm not! [Engines revving.]
What do you guys want? [Tires screech.]
Not cool.
What, do you think you're "Sons of Anarchy" or something, huh? [Tires screech.]
Love the way you work that popsicle, babe.
It's giving me ideas about my popsicle.
- Oh, you wish.
- [Laughs.]
[Rock music.]
say yeah say yeah - Get off him! - Hey, get off him! Get off him! Get off him! Don't worry.
You can save the lecture.
I hate it here, and I'm calling my dad to come get me.
Kip, come on.
It's only been two days.
Look at my face.
The universe is trying to tell me something.
Yeah, "don't pick fights with big, dumb frat boys.
" I didn't start the fight.
That guy was being a dick.
He thinks he can just go around doing whatever he wants.
I know he's a dick.
But he's not my responsibility.
You are.
Your dad's pretty worried about you.
Oh, God, yeah, I know he's worried.
I feel it all the time.
The doctors gave me their blessing to come here.
If my leukemia comes back, it comes back.
I can't be thinking about it all the time, I'm so tired of it.
Tired of washing my hands, tired of worrying, tired of being so scared If I didn't do anything back there, the whole pattern for my entire life would've been set.
Kip Wampler, gigantic pussy.
Sit down.
Take your medicine.
So How did it feel when you hit him? [Chuckles.]
Fantastic.
But I'm still cashing out.
I will totally deny saying this, but I think what you did today was terrific.
And I bet if you stay, you'll have a whole bunch more days just like this one.
Without the blood and the And for what it's worth, I think you have all the guts in the world.
Mack, we need you at the lake.
[Children chattering, shouting.]
These jerks on jet skis, they rammed our boat and knocked his glass eye out.
I am so sorry.
It was couple of kids from Ridgefield.
Don't worry, Mr.
Chais, we will find it.
Any luck? - Not yet.
- Found it! That's a rock.
Try again, buddy.
[Sighs.]
Roger.
You're supposed to keep your jet skis on your side of the lake.
Mr.
Chais just lost an eye.
- What? Seriously? - No, it was a glass one.
I don't know how he lost the original.
Well, I'll buy the guy a new eye.
Look, nobody died, okay? Hey, you wanna come over later? I'll pull your hair, wear a ski mask, whatever you want.
No.
Roger, I I think this whole thing is misguided.
I think we should think about ending our relationship.
Uh, relationship? [Chuckles.]
Mack, we're screwing.
There's no relationship.
Right, right, right, well, I think we should stop screwing.
- No problem.
- Mm.
See you around.
Oh, Mack, by the way, you're a faker.
What? You get so worked up about my boat and the fish and the jet skis, but you just don't want to look at your disaster of a life.
Oh, you pretend to be all nice, but the only time you say anything you actually mean is when you're telling me that you hate me or order me around while we're having sex.
Well, I hate you too.
Have fun trying to control everyone.
- Faker.
- Uh Found his eye! Mack! Found it! The talent show is in six hours.
- Oh, no.
- What's wrong? Raccoons tore up the speakers.
- What? - The sound system's screwed.
No.
Ah! Okay, take your weight off your foot.
Um Do you think I'm a faker? Who accused you of being a faker? And what were they accusing you of faking? 'Cause if it was Roger and you were faking an orgasm, I totally get it.
If you're looking for rebound sex, there are better options.
You know, I wasn't really happy in my marriage.
I just thought that if I was nice and happy, then we could muddle through.
[Sighs.]
But Steve didn't want to settle.
He found something that actually made him happy.
You know that relationship is doomed, right? Sooner or later, she's gonna learn English, and then Cole, last year, property taxes almost wiped us out.
I have had six cancellations for August, and who knew electricity was more expensive than cocaine? I just see things as I want them to be, not how they actually are.
Mack, I admire the way you stay all positive, even when the flames are licking at your boots.
Cancel the talent show.
Mack, it's your favorite thing.
Do a bonfire or whatever.
There's something I've gotta do.
She thinks I'm some kind of gay basher because I used the expression "faggy.
" Why would you say that to a girl with two dads? It just slipped out.
I say that and "retarded" to describe things that are lame, not homosexual or mentally challenged, I'm not a bigot.
No, but I think you can understand why someone would draw that conclusion.
[Chuckles.]
Dude, just stop saying it.
It's not working for you.
I hate you both.
I gotta pee.
[Sighs.]
Hey, I can't believe you're going.
Who do you expect me to be friends with, and who's gonna commit suicide-by-bully for me? Hey, you two.
Get out.
No, we might need the extra hands.
Hey, what's going on? I wanna come! [Motor starts.]
What's happening? What are we doing? We're going to Ridgefield.
[Upbeat pop music.]
The extra sound equipment is in the shed behind the spa and the arcade.
How do you know that? I had a thing here with a counselor.
Oh, Cole.
After you had a summer fling with that girl, did you enroll in her college without telling her? Why are we doing this? We're doing it for your mom.
By the way, quit being a dick to her.
[Indistinct chatter.]
They get lobster? Ow! It's a wedding.
You Jack up the price on everything.
I mean, hello.
Um, let me call you back.
[Sighs.]
Hey So are we fighting or screwing? Neither.
I was actually wondering if you're still interested in buying Little Otter.
I think I'm done.
Let's talk.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Yeah, put it there.
Go! - Hurry up, hurry up.
- Hey, yeah, ready to go? Okay, hold on.
Okay, guys, there's no room.
You guys gotta run.
See ya down there! I wanna get some of these lobsters.
Oh, no, bad idea.
[Squeals.]
[Soft jazz music.]
Don't move.
They're not velociraptors.
They see us.
Go! - All right, let's get 'em.
- Hey, hey! - Go! Don't look back! - What? He's so dead.
Where are those morons? [Distant shouting.]
- Start the boat! - Start the boat! - Go! Start the boat! - Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, come on, come on! Are you serious? Thank you! Thanks, guys! In a matter of time You'll all be stars oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh some nights I drag this line all alone, all alone oh-ho feel it break and cut inside oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh [Engine turns off.]
[Distant cheering.]
[Drumming.]
[Cheers and applause.]
[Drumming continues.]
That doesn't look safe.
It's not.
[Cheers and applause.]
How did you make this happen? The less you now, the better.
I'm up.
All right! Yo, yo! [Mellow pop music.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
Hey, grace.
I just want to apologize for what I said.
After thinking about it and consulting my peers, it seems the general feeling was that I was wrong.
So I'm not gonna say that particular "f" word in any form, and in the spirit of de-idiotizing myself, I'm also throwing the "r" word on the bonfire, so Grace, I'm sorry.
I get it.
Good.
'Cause otherwise you'd never put a dent in that giant box of condoms.
You seem awfully interested in my box of condoms, Grace.
Alex! Alex, you won't get reception.
They just tell you that to make you look stupid.
Come come down from the tree, honey.
Ready to do that walk-through? I am not selling Little Otter, Roger.
Sorry, it would break my heart.
How you gonna pay off Steve and keep the camp? I am taking a loan on my house.
- That is dumb.
- I know what I'm doing.
Yeah, what do I know? I'm just a phenomenally successful guy from across the lake.
You know, you should come to my lecture on self-destructive behavior.
- God, I hate you.
- No, you don't.
I can tell that I'm gonna be changing my mind a lot this summer.
You're gonna have to deal with it.
I think you're starting to learn that life is complicated.
You find yourself in situations you never thought you'd be in.
And people are unpredictable.
They can disappoint you even when they love you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
But they can also surprise you in great ways.
No, I think I'm gonna stay, Dad.
Yeah, there's a few things here that aren't so hideous.
You just don't know what's gonna happen.
I really want you to enjoy the summer.
I don't want to stand in the way of anything happening to you, whether it's awesome or painful.
I trust you.
And if you do anything illegal or stupid, I will kill you.
I love you, but that was a lot of words, mom.
Okay.
You two look out for each other.
Oh, hey! Look who's there! Little moose, just like last year.
Hey! [Indistinct chatter.]
You'll swim, you'll hike, you'll earn some money.
Dad, don't leave me here, okay? They don't even have Internet.
Hey, Kip, you see that big ball of fire in the sky? It's the sun.
I know the past few years have been hard.
Oh, I'm missing DocuFest.
Maybe it's okay to take a break from holocaust movies for a few months.
You'll be outdoors.
Dad, this is not going to be some coming-of-age movie, okay? It's not going to be the greatest summer of my life.
I'm not changing who I am to conform to some freakish, outdoorsy cult mentality.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, I don't know about this place.
If you get bored, give us a call.
Rick can come get you.
No, I'm good.
I'll be fine.
Love you, baby.
[Smooches.]
- I love you, buddy.
- Yeah.
Can you just say that a little louder? [Sighs.]
You are out of my league All the things I believe You were just the right kind Yeah, you are more [screams.]
[Screaming.]
Hey, welcome to Little Otter Family Camp.
You guys, we have so much great stuff planned.
I want to see everybody at the talent show on Friday night.
Don't be shy.
Oh! We have a birthday.
Declan Tracy turns seven today.
[Cheers and applause.]
Whoo! So let's give Declan a big Little Otter Happy Birthday.
Okay.
round the halls you must go you must go, you must go round the halls you must go it's your birthday [mouthing.]
Oh, my God.
round the halls you must go - Hey, man.
- Hey, how was your year? Good.
I got into Law school.
How 'bout you? I crewed a boat down to turks and Caicos with this rich chick, taught some snowboarding in Aspen, climbed Machu Picchu, ate mushrooms on the top.
- But Law school, nice.
- Hey, have you seen Sarah? All: you must go, you must go, you must go round the halls Hey, dark star.
I can't hear you.
That's because I'm not singing.
You're a C.
I.
T.
, a counselor in training.
It's a kid's birthday.
What's your problem? Just trying to maintain my dignit - No, just sing.
- Ow! Do it.
Sing! [Cheers and applause.]
Yeah.
Okay, folks, have a great summer! Whoo-hoo! Hey, Mack, where's Steve? Yeah, where's your handsome husband? Good question, Don.
Where is Steve? [Moaning.]
Oh, Steve.
Steve's on a new path.
But you know what? Change is good, change is what makes us grow.
And you know who is here, Don? I am.
And I am totally up for the job.
There's brown sludge coming out of the showers.
It smells like poo.
Pool table's in the rec hall.
Use it or lose it.
Cole.
Yup.
What's this gonna cost me? I don't know yet.
Hey, that really sucks about you and Steve, huh? Yeah.
Does that chick even speak English? No, Cole, she's a Russian aesthetician who doesn't speak English.
But, hey, maybe it's the universe talking.
Steve was never much of a conversationalist, and he has psoriasis, so whoo-hoo, good for him.
So when did you and Steve stop having sex? I'm not gonna discuss my personal life with you.
Besides, as you get older, sex becomes less important.
You replace it with more intimate experiences like watching tv or walks or taking showers together.
If you're already in the shower, why not just go ahead and bang? You can't just bang all the time when you have a kid, Cole.
How is Buzz doing? I'm super worried about him.
He's a sensitive and fragile boy.
By June 15th, I'm playing with boobs.
Both hands, full cupping.
By fourth of July, I'm going down South.
The end of summer, I'm getting laid.
Or at least a b.
j.
I have it all written down.
So I need a good sex-inducing assignment.
- Robbie, I'm begging.
- Let's just throw this away, man, because it is super creepy.
How does mayor of toddler town sound? No, no, no, do not put me with those babies, Robbie.
Do not.
No.
Oh! [Laughing.]
He really needs his mom right now.
Good morning, Little Otters.
Happy first day.
You all booked up? Ridgefield is.
At all six locations.
So are we, almost.
I heard about Steve.
Harsh.
It was a mutual breakup.
You know, you should come to this lecture series I'm doing on living in the truth.
- Do you good.
- No, thanks, Roger.
You sure you can run this place all by yourself? She'll be fine.
'Cause I'm happy to take this mess off your hands.
You can stay on as manager, finally put a cell tower in.
People love their phones, Mack.
I am not selling Little Otter, Roger.
So take your big, shiny car and your stupid sunglasses and your too tight t-shirt and leave.
Please.
God.
[Clang.]
Okay.
You know where to find me.
[Liquid splashing.]
Oliver, listen to me.
Poison Ivy rash is very contagious.
Don't touch anyone.
Or yourself.
Especially in sensitive areas.
Hey, Buzz, what's up? A three-year-old threw up on me.
Girls love guys who are good with kids.
It's genetic.
Hey, since I'm working here this summer, paying taxes, I believe it would be good for my growth if I moved into boys town with the other C.
I.
T.
S instead of living with my mom.
Absolutely not.
I'm gonna ask dad next week when he comes.
Not his call.
- Why, mom? - Oh, Buzz.
Little Buzzy bee, it is so hard to say no to you, but I'm totally gonna because this is family camp, and we are a family.
We gotta stick together.
Toodaloo, toodaloo to the old railway I cool my heart down in the shade who are you okay, you sure you know what you're doing, Mr.
Gimbel? 'Cause I'm sensing some confusion.
'Sup, boys? What's the deal with that Sarah girl? She's hot.
She's taken.
For the last ten summers.
12.
Go ahead.
Go for it.
Take a shot.
I don't know what's going on.
I haven't even talked to her yet.
They do this little dance at the beginning of every summer.
It's getting a little tedious.
Hey, Sarah.
You gave up swimming? I can't believe it.
Every day was just the same thing, Mack.
It was like groundhog day.
You ever feel like that? Well, my life just blew up, so every day is a new and frightening experience, so - I'm so sorry, Mack.
- Yeah.
- Steve's dumb.
- Thanks, hon.
Robbie's looking at you.
- He is? - Mm-hmm.
oh, oh, oh Noah! Get back here! Oh, oh, oh That's it.
Your inner tube privileges are revoked.
I'm telling your mom.
No, you're not telling my mom.
Unbelievable.
[Panting.]
Hi.
I'm Buzz.
I ate a bee as a kid.
All right.
[Shouts.]
[Grunts.]
No.
I'm gonna row.
You suck.
I'm kip.
Oh, I'm gonna tell your mom.
There's a tree that if you climb it, you get reception at the top.
- Really? - Hey.
Um, this is kind of a private conversation.
Nice bathing suit, by the way.
Thanks.
[Girls giggling.]
O kay.
Marina, they're all over the Internet.
If Martin scorsese asked you to do a nude scene, sure, then we can talk, but Keanu Ramble? He's a degenerate.
Now all the boys have seen your boobs, and all the girls are gonna think you're a slut.
Look at that.
Let's do a float-by.
What? No.
I'm on a schedule this summer.
Labor day weekend, that raft, moonlight, glistening nipples, I lose something I'm too old to have.
- Glistening nipples? - Watch and learn.
Buzz.
What's up, ladies? Everyone's looking good in their bathing suits.
Hope you're all using the recommended amount of S.
P.
F.
All right, then.
See you around.
That was brutal.
It was awesome.
We're on their radar.
- You know what we need now? - Cloak of invisibility? Condoms.
Ridgefield guys.
Stay cool.
[Whistling.]
I wanna show ya Condoms.
Trust me, don't overbuy.
Hey, kip from the dining hall, right? I'm marina.
Sarah sent me for supplies.
Cool.
What's on your list? Uh, cinnamon, some other stuff.
How's your nose? I-I saw that.
Oh, yeah, it's fine.
I barely felt it.
Yeah, there's a bunch of kids at my school named after spices.
There's a girl named Pepper and another girl named Cardamom.
Well, it's just two.
Guess you become a parent and just lose your mind.
Yeah, right? $40? That's highway robbery.
I have a vague memory of you reminding me to pick up cheap booze at trader Joe's before we left.
Well, you've had a lot on your plate lately, honey.
I don't want to buy this on principle, but I don't think I can survive the entire summer at family camp without alcohol.
Empire will survive.
Let's take the hit.
One more? Both: Two.
Hey, Buzz.
- Hey! - How's your mom? We heard about the divorce.
No, she's good, really good.
Well, we're at Little Otter all summer 'cause the house is being remodeled.
Tell your mom to stop by our cabin.
We have lots of gin That we're paying way too much money for.
Hey, Grace.
Hey, Buzz.
What you got there? - Nothing.
- Really? 'Cause it looks like a box of condoms.
No, it's just a box of other things.
Watch it, big guy.
- Okay.
- What did you say? Uh, you said, "watch it, big guy," which is hilarious, by the way, and then I said, "okay.
" Don't be a wise-ass, freak.
[Clattering.]
Hey! Knock it off.
Are you okay? Wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, baby - And forward, back.
- wobble, yeah, wobble, baby wobble, baby And around.
We go to the other side, and forward! - Get in there, yeah, yeah - And back! Get in there, yeah, yeah To the right! Get in there, yeah, yeah - To the left.
- get in there yeah, yeah Forward, back.
Cha, cha, cha.
Around Ooh! Whoo! Yeah! That was crappy this afternoon.
- Those guys were a-holes.
- I don't care.
Look at these people.
I'd rather blow my brains out.
[Chuckles.]
You don't like it here, do you? I'm not into group activities.
You've never been to comic-con? Oh, nice attempt to classify me.
No.
I don't like graphic novels.
I like documentaries and music.
Neo-alt and old-school bluegrass.
- You're smart.
- Yeah, well, look at me.
It would be so sad if I wasn't.
[Scoffs.]
You don't seem like a camp person.
[Music, laughter in background.]
Who knows what kind of person I am? You know what? I'm going in.
And around we go.
To the other side! And forward! wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, yeah - To the right.
- wobble, baby, wobble, baby wobble, baby, wobble, yeah wobble, baby, wobble, baby Take it round to the other side.
Mack.
- What? - get in there, yeah, yeah - [mouthing.]
- get in there, yeah, yeah get in there, yeah, yeah - Hey.
- Hi.
You're a week early.
What's up? Listen, um, Ekaterina's waiting in the car, so I'm just gonna get right to it.
You need to buy me out of my stake in the camp.
What? Now? I don't have the money yet.
Then put Little Otter on the market.
I don't know.
I'm not giving up Little Otter so that you can buy jewelry for a woman that pulls out pubic hair for a living.
- Ekaterina wants kids.
- What? - Dad.
- Hey, Buzz, what's up? You look good.
Hey, you wanna have a steak with us? Ekaterina's dying to see you.
Is that is that cool? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Hmm.
- Awesome.
Back it up yeah, make 'em back it up Want a little warmth but who's gonna save a little warmth for me [Chuckles.]
Uh whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Sarah.
- Back off, youngster.
Awaits unbelievers all of the sinners the same Hey, Cole, can I bum a little weed? I don't have any.
- You're smoking right now.
- No, I'm not.
And your mom would kill me.
If I'm born again I know that the world will disagree want a little grace but who's gonna save Is this log taken? Do you, like, have an outcast fetish? Those girls suck, and also they don't like me.
We have no booze or bud.
Hi.
Hi.
You know, my mom's boyfriend smokes weed and plays Xbox all day and eats all the food in the house.
I hate it.
But the dumbass is too high to know when some's missing.
The world has planned for me You know there are these lsat classes and practice tests you can do, right? [Giggles.]
The other thing you want to do is really research the schools that you're trying [Chuckles.]
Give me just a second.
[Grunts.]
Can I help you, weirdo? I read somewhere that you should never walk across a room for a man.
So I threw rocks.
Right.
How was your year? It was weird.
I quit swimming.
Why? You love swimming.
Just wasn't fun anymore.
Let me see your hands.
[Giggles.]
Wow.
No prunes.
Cool.
You don't have to get up at the crack of ass anymore.
I'm pretty sure that the new counselor with the big boobs wants to hook up with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
You should go for it.
You want to get out of here? We run, we run the night we run, we run the night the night, the night - Great.
- What? We're in top 40 hell, guys.
[Laughs.]
Shut up.
I love this song.
Guys, telling a story.
So anyway, my dad's all laughing too loud while slutlana sits there smelling like eggs.
He's 44.
She's 24.
Isn't she gonna get tired of that old guy coming at her? [Russian accent.]
"Oy, Steve, I am exhausted.
"All day long, I rip out pubic hair.
Put away that ancient penis.
" [Laughs.]
[Russian accent.]
"Steve, you are like siberian bear.
" [Attempts Russian accent.]
"Ooh, Steve, stop.
Hawaii Five-O is on.
" What? Why is she French now? What, that wasn't Russian? I don't know what that was.
[Laughs.]
Look at the stars.
We don't have stars like that in the city.
They're like little diamonds.
Why does everybody love looking at the stars so much? [Sarcastic.]
Ooh, the stars.
I hate them.
I hate thinking about space and the universe.
I mean, why aren't we being attacked by aliens right now? I can't handle it.
It makes me feel too small.
You guys, I am I am really freaking out right now.
Just close your eyes.
[Song continues in background.]
Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh turn the lights down This is the best song I have ever heard in my life.
[Laughter.]
Yes, we run yes, we [mellow pop music.]
- Ow! - Sorry.
Whoa.
What are you doing in the middle of the water? It's a lake, not a street, jackass.
- You all right? - No.
Oh, you should put some ice on that.
Come on, let's get you to shore.
[Groans.]
So these are the douchey Ridgefield villas.
Nice.
Do they bring you scrambled diamonds for breakfast? Usually it's just buttered money.
- Wait, so you're here alone? - Yup.
Dude, that's creepy.
This is like a family place.
Cool.
I'm trying to get some work done.
My editor thought being in a wholesome setting would help.
Hey, you open to a little feedback? Not usually.
- You suck at kayaking.
- Maybe you suck at swimming.
Uh, no, I'm a pretty good swimmer, thanks.
I just stopped, but I almost made the Olympics last year, so Why did you stop swimming? Actually, it wasn't my choice.
Ow.
There was an incident.
Involving my car and pot, alcohol, and a flagpole.
So I lost my scholarship.
Yeah, but it's fine.
I mean, I don't even really know if I want to be a swimmer.
[Chuckles.]
Ah.
I just realized who you are.
You're Miguel Santos.
You wrote "The Heart is an Arsenal".
You mentioned your editor.
Do not lie to me.
- Okay, yes.
- [Chuckles.]
I loved your book.
Like, adored it.
I mean, it was kinda long, though, I will say that.
Thanks for the note.
Miguel Santos just, like, fixed my head.
Okay, uh, well, thank you.
I gotta go.
I gotta make lunch for, like, a hundred people.
Plus, it's circus day.
Thanks.
Whoa! [Knocks.]
What's up? What happened with Steve last night? You looked upset.
- Oh, is this a bad time? - No.
Come in, honey.
They're right back here.
Mack? You don't wanna hear this stuff.
It's the kind of thing you designed your entire life to avoid.
Emma, I've explained this five times already.
Your mom says you're gifted, but I'm not seeing it.
Hey, you burn through that box of rubbers yet? - What are rubbers? - Hey, don't interrupt.
Nice to see you don't talk down to them.
Well, I love kids, and they love me.
It's all about having a pure soul.
Uh-huh.
You wanna just show me how to make a bracelet? Oh, yes, grace, I can.
Because if there's one thing I've learned this summer, it's how to make these faggy bracelets.
What does "faggy" mean? You know my dads are gay, right? They're not just, like, really good friends raising kids together.
I didn't mean it like that.
I meant it like "retarded.
" That's a bad word.
- Emma.
- Hey! What's shakin'? Isn't this great? I'm gonna order rain every year for circus day.
[Children chattering.]
Is everything all right? - Mom, just let it go.
- Hey, watch the tone.
Are you trying to, like, socially murder me this summer? Back off.
I will not, Buzz.
I'm worried about you.
No, mom, this is about you.
You're freaking out because dad left.
Buzz, I know that you're hurting.
I know that you need to talk.
I don't wanna talk! I just wanna move to boys town.
That's all I want! Like last night, that must have been very confusing for you to have dinner with your father and Ekaterina.
No, not really.
Ekat's really cool.
Dad totally traded up.
- Take that back.
- No! what's that book you're reading upstairs in your room if I could swing you in wouldn't have to talk to you Sorry.
Just wanna have a look at you Give me that before you take someone's eye out.
Oh, it's smug Roger.
[Chuckles.]
Smoger.
How about we get some chili fries into you and soak up some of that booze? Oh.
[Coin jingles.]
Hey, that's my quarter.
Threw my son off the dock today.
Like, seriously, I was mad.
Child abuse.
I think the parent-child relationship's a doomed thing.
Wow, thanks.
Is that from one of your lectures? When I was a kid, I convinced myself that Bruce Springsteen was my father.
I hated my dad.
He was mean.
My mom, though, was great.
She brought me on business trips to the states, and she loved Springsteen.
Took me to a show when I was eight.
She told me how cool he was and how he cared about everyone.
So I told myself I was their love child.
Wow, Roger, that story is so sad.
But kinda sweet and humanizing.
By the way, I saw Steve today and his Russian in the sandwich shop.
She's not that hot.
Kinda horsey.
[Grunts.]
You know, I always hated this car, but I must say it is roomy and well-upholstered.
Thanks.
Somehow that humanizes you.
Oh, hey! Just arrived, and we're here for months.
- Oh! - How are you? I had sex with Roger Shepard in a car.
- Ooh.
- What? Really? Well, you saw what happened with Buzz, and then Steve turns up asking for $200,000 so that he can have babies with a Russian.
- Whoa! - No.
What are you gonna do? I guess distract yourself by sleeping with somebody you despise.
No, I get it.
Sometimes the ones you hate are the ones you most want to sleep with.
One time, before Dave, I had a one-night stand with Christopher Hitchens.
God rest his soul.
The guy was a total blowhard, but it was fantastic.
He had Mom, I beat Nicky at tetherball! That's awesome! Go! The guy had a tongue like Gene Simmons.
I swear to God it had a battery in it.
Man, I was a slut in my 20s.
- And now I'm at family camp.
- Aw.
Morning, Buzz.
Hey, babe.
[Clears throat.]
Hey.
You tried to drown me.
Oh, come on.
The water's 3 feet deep.
You can swim.
I was wearing a donkey head.
Stop being such a drama queen.
Can we get back to Roger, please? Okay, I have a theory as to why I Oh, Fyo, you're bleeding.
Did the thing with Roger.
So curious, Mack, pitch it out.
It's just a skinned knee.
It's not a compound fracture.
Todd here thinks I'm ruining our children because I'm kind.
I just wanna hear about the grown-ups having sex.
I was exorcising Steve.
You think? How was it? I saw colors.
Then I went right back to hating him.
You're opening your second act with a one-night stand.
I love it.
Do you think Roger knows that it was a one-night stand? You had sex in a car.
Seems pretty obvious.
Announcements, announcements, announcements.
The badminton equipment has gone missing.
I know, "shuttlecock" is a funny word, but that's no excuse.
Also, talent show tonight.
Dig deep.
You're Americans.
You've got talent.
I've gotta shut down this thing with Roger.
Mm.
- Hey.
- Hi.
"Miguel Santos"? This book sucked.
Shut up.
Hey.
I'm going to Stanford for Law school.
What? Stanford Stanford? Like, where I go? Uh, no, the one in the Dominican Republic yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Where you go.
I had no idea you applied.
Well, I applied at a lot of places.
Robbie, that's kind of weird and presumptuous.
You should've run it past me.
Well, we don't talk during the year.
Exactly.
What, so this is what it is, and it can't be more than that? No.
I don't know.
This is just more pressure that I don't need right now.
Well, what does that mean? I mean, what kind of pressure are you under? Um, uh, have you not read a newspaper lately? The economy, North Korea Oh, what does Kim Jong-Un's rocket fetish have to do with me attending Stanford? You sound insane right now.
Okay, well, in addition to being insane, I'm really busy, so [Sighs.]
Oh! God, I hate you.
Ah! - I know, right? - Move the stapler.
Oh.
Oh! Hit it.
Right.
Okay, you're supposed to hit that.
I screwed him again.
I knew that would happen.
I called it.
Didn't I call that? He did, right after you left.
I think Steve's midlife crisis is rubbing off on me.
I just, I can't stop.
Well, maybe lanyard girl here can whip up a chastity belt for you.
[Grunts.]
[Laughter.]
So you've been here every summer since you were born? - Don't you get bored? - No.
It's awesome.
- I run this place.
- Oh, look, Fyodor.
It's reverend Fred Phelps from Westboro Baptist.
I don't know what that means.
Read the paper, you intolerant jerk.
Grace, I'm not! [Engines revving.]
What do you guys want? [Tires screech.]
Not cool.
What, do you think you're "Sons of Anarchy" or something, huh? [Tires screech.]
Love the way you work that popsicle, babe.
It's giving me ideas about my popsicle.
- Oh, you wish.
- [Laughs.]
[Rock music.]
say yeah say yeah - Get off him! - Hey, get off him! Get off him! Get off him! Don't worry.
You can save the lecture.
I hate it here, and I'm calling my dad to come get me.
Kip, come on.
It's only been two days.
Look at my face.
The universe is trying to tell me something.
Yeah, "don't pick fights with big, dumb frat boys.
" I didn't start the fight.
That guy was being a dick.
He thinks he can just go around doing whatever he wants.
I know he's a dick.
But he's not my responsibility.
You are.
Your dad's pretty worried about you.
Oh, God, yeah, I know he's worried.
I feel it all the time.
The doctors gave me their blessing to come here.
If my leukemia comes back, it comes back.
I can't be thinking about it all the time, I'm so tired of it.
Tired of washing my hands, tired of worrying, tired of being so scared If I didn't do anything back there, the whole pattern for my entire life would've been set.
Kip Wampler, gigantic pussy.
Sit down.
Take your medicine.
So How did it feel when you hit him? [Chuckles.]
Fantastic.
But I'm still cashing out.
I will totally deny saying this, but I think what you did today was terrific.
And I bet if you stay, you'll have a whole bunch more days just like this one.
Without the blood and the And for what it's worth, I think you have all the guts in the world.
Mack, we need you at the lake.
[Children chattering, shouting.]
These jerks on jet skis, they rammed our boat and knocked his glass eye out.
I am so sorry.
It was couple of kids from Ridgefield.
Don't worry, Mr.
Chais, we will find it.
Any luck? - Not yet.
- Found it! That's a rock.
Try again, buddy.
[Sighs.]
Roger.
You're supposed to keep your jet skis on your side of the lake.
Mr.
Chais just lost an eye.
- What? Seriously? - No, it was a glass one.
I don't know how he lost the original.
Well, I'll buy the guy a new eye.
Look, nobody died, okay? Hey, you wanna come over later? I'll pull your hair, wear a ski mask, whatever you want.
No.
Roger, I I think this whole thing is misguided.
I think we should think about ending our relationship.
Uh, relationship? [Chuckles.]
Mack, we're screwing.
There's no relationship.
Right, right, right, well, I think we should stop screwing.
- No problem.
- Mm.
See you around.
Oh, Mack, by the way, you're a faker.
What? You get so worked up about my boat and the fish and the jet skis, but you just don't want to look at your disaster of a life.
Oh, you pretend to be all nice, but the only time you say anything you actually mean is when you're telling me that you hate me or order me around while we're having sex.
Well, I hate you too.
Have fun trying to control everyone.
- Faker.
- Uh Found his eye! Mack! Found it! The talent show is in six hours.
- Oh, no.
- What's wrong? Raccoons tore up the speakers.
- What? - The sound system's screwed.
No.
Ah! Okay, take your weight off your foot.
Um Do you think I'm a faker? Who accused you of being a faker? And what were they accusing you of faking? 'Cause if it was Roger and you were faking an orgasm, I totally get it.
If you're looking for rebound sex, there are better options.
You know, I wasn't really happy in my marriage.
I just thought that if I was nice and happy, then we could muddle through.
[Sighs.]
But Steve didn't want to settle.
He found something that actually made him happy.
You know that relationship is doomed, right? Sooner or later, she's gonna learn English, and then Cole, last year, property taxes almost wiped us out.
I have had six cancellations for August, and who knew electricity was more expensive than cocaine? I just see things as I want them to be, not how they actually are.
Mack, I admire the way you stay all positive, even when the flames are licking at your boots.
Cancel the talent show.
Mack, it's your favorite thing.
Do a bonfire or whatever.
There's something I've gotta do.
She thinks I'm some kind of gay basher because I used the expression "faggy.
" Why would you say that to a girl with two dads? It just slipped out.
I say that and "retarded" to describe things that are lame, not homosexual or mentally challenged, I'm not a bigot.
No, but I think you can understand why someone would draw that conclusion.
[Chuckles.]
Dude, just stop saying it.
It's not working for you.
I hate you both.
I gotta pee.
[Sighs.]
Hey, I can't believe you're going.
Who do you expect me to be friends with, and who's gonna commit suicide-by-bully for me? Hey, you two.
Get out.
No, we might need the extra hands.
Hey, what's going on? I wanna come! [Motor starts.]
What's happening? What are we doing? We're going to Ridgefield.
[Upbeat pop music.]
The extra sound equipment is in the shed behind the spa and the arcade.
How do you know that? I had a thing here with a counselor.
Oh, Cole.
After you had a summer fling with that girl, did you enroll in her college without telling her? Why are we doing this? We're doing it for your mom.
By the way, quit being a dick to her.
[Indistinct chatter.]
They get lobster? Ow! It's a wedding.
You Jack up the price on everything.
I mean, hello.
Um, let me call you back.
[Sighs.]
Hey So are we fighting or screwing? Neither.
I was actually wondering if you're still interested in buying Little Otter.
I think I'm done.
Let's talk.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Yeah, put it there.
Go! - Hurry up, hurry up.
- Hey, yeah, ready to go? Okay, hold on.
Okay, guys, there's no room.
You guys gotta run.
See ya down there! I wanna get some of these lobsters.
Oh, no, bad idea.
[Squeals.]
[Soft jazz music.]
Don't move.
They're not velociraptors.
They see us.
Go! - All right, let's get 'em.
- Hey, hey! - Go! Don't look back! - What? He's so dead.
Where are those morons? [Distant shouting.]
- Start the boat! - Start the boat! - Go! Start the boat! - Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, come on, come on! Are you serious? Thank you! Thanks, guys! In a matter of time You'll all be stars oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh some nights I drag this line all alone, all alone oh-ho feel it break and cut inside oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh [Engine turns off.]
[Distant cheering.]
[Drumming.]
[Cheers and applause.]
[Drumming continues.]
That doesn't look safe.
It's not.
[Cheers and applause.]
How did you make this happen? The less you now, the better.
I'm up.
All right! Yo, yo! [Mellow pop music.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
Hey, grace.
I just want to apologize for what I said.
After thinking about it and consulting my peers, it seems the general feeling was that I was wrong.
So I'm not gonna say that particular "f" word in any form, and in the spirit of de-idiotizing myself, I'm also throwing the "r" word on the bonfire, so Grace, I'm sorry.
I get it.
Good.
'Cause otherwise you'd never put a dent in that giant box of condoms.
You seem awfully interested in my box of condoms, Grace.
Alex! Alex, you won't get reception.
They just tell you that to make you look stupid.
Come come down from the tree, honey.
Ready to do that walk-through? I am not selling Little Otter, Roger.
Sorry, it would break my heart.
How you gonna pay off Steve and keep the camp? I am taking a loan on my house.
- That is dumb.
- I know what I'm doing.
Yeah, what do I know? I'm just a phenomenally successful guy from across the lake.
You know, you should come to my lecture on self-destructive behavior.
- God, I hate you.
- No, you don't.
I can tell that I'm gonna be changing my mind a lot this summer.
You're gonna have to deal with it.
I think you're starting to learn that life is complicated.
You find yourself in situations you never thought you'd be in.
And people are unpredictable.
They can disappoint you even when they love you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
But they can also surprise you in great ways.
No, I think I'm gonna stay, Dad.
Yeah, there's a few things here that aren't so hideous.
You just don't know what's gonna happen.
I really want you to enjoy the summer.
I don't want to stand in the way of anything happening to you, whether it's awesome or painful.
I trust you.
And if you do anything illegal or stupid, I will kill you.
I love you, but that was a lot of words, mom.
Okay.
You two look out for each other.
Oh, hey! Look who's there! Little moose, just like last year.
Hey! [Indistinct chatter.]