Camp Camp (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (eagle screeching) -[DAVID:.]
Can you believe it, Max? We're getting not one, not three, but two new campers today! - [MAX.]
Yup.
It's really, truly horrifying.
-[DAVID.]
Horrifying? What? Are you afraid of making a few new friends? - [MAX.]
I'm not here to make friends, David.
I'm here because camp is where kids are sent when their parents don't want to deal with them.
Why do you think we return the favour when they hit 70? - [DAVID.]
Hang on a sec! What are you even doing out here? -[MAX.]
Well, it's definitely not because the bus only comes in from the city to drop off and pick up campers, and so far seems to be my only reasonable method of escaping this fucking nightmare of a camp.
Definitely not that.
-[DAVID.]
Heeeeyy Language.
-[MAX.]
Suck a dick — -[DAVID.]
All I want is for you kids to have as much fun as I did when I was a Campbell camper.
Is that really too much to ask? -[MAX.]
I refuse to believe someone as happy as you can possibly exist.
(bus honking) -[DAVID.]
(gasps) The bus is here! Hello! Welcome to Camp — (shrieks) -[QUARTERMASTER.]
Kids are here.
-[NIKKI.]
Ha! (inhales deeply) Oh yeah; smell that nature! Oh, that's the stuff.
-[DAVID.]
Well, hello there, little lady.
You must be Nikki.
My name is David, your camp — (bites) (shrieks) -[NEIL.]
Um, excuse me? Is this Science Camp? -[NIKKI.]
No, silly! This is Adventure Camp.
Ad-ven-ture! My mom said so! Unless she was lying.
Again.
Sorry about that hand by the way.
Just exerting dominance, you know how it goes.
-[DAVID.]
Uh, and you must be Neil.
Well, you two will be happy to know that Camp Campbell is both of th-- David screaming -[MAX.]
Stupid prepubescent legs! -[QUARTERMASTER.]
Not today, child.
Only one driving this bus is me.
-[DAVID.]
Ugh.
Thank you, Quartermaster.
-[QUARTERMASTER.]
You're on your own now.
Going on break, be back for the bus at noon.
-[DAVID.]
Max, you are not leaving my side for the rest of the day.
-[MAX.]
We'll see about that, camp man.
-[NEIL.]
: So what's your deal? -[MAX.]
sigh I'm just a kid trying to survive out here, Neil.
-[DAVID.]
Now let's go check out the camp, kids! instrumental -[DAVID.]
The first stop on any good tour is the flagpole! I can't help but give it the official Camp Campbell salute every time I see it.
Beside the flagpole is our mess hall, which-- Oh! Sorry, saw the flag again.
Beside the flagpole is our mess hall, which is connected to the Quartermaster Store.
It's here that we'll serve meals, hold announcements, and occasionally take part in camp activities.
Tell 'em just how much you love it, Max! -[MAX.]
See, that's the sad thing.
He still actually thinks that I love it.
-[DAVID.]
And who wouldn't? Now, let's step inside and meet my co-counselour Gwen, who's in the middle of a camp activity right now! Oho man, you're gonna love her.
Gooood morning, Gwen! -[GWEN.]
Motherfucker! -[SPACE KID.]
Goooo! Crank it to high, I can take the G's! -[GWEN.]
Nurf, you don't crank shit! Get down from there, space kid! -[DAVID.]
: Oh dear! -[NEIL.]
: What is going on here? -[MAX.]
: I'm telling you, if we leave now, I can hot wire that bus.
-[NIKKI.]
This is amazing! -[NURF.]
Buzzkill.
-[SPACE KID.]
Oh-ho.
I'm okay.
-[DAVID.]
What the gosh darn heck happened? -[GWEN.]
: Ugh, space kids just, y'know, pushing me to my limits again.
-[SPACE KID.]
I will achieve space flight! -[DAVID.]
Well, we have new campers to introduce and orientate! -[NEIL.]
Ow.
-[GWEN.]
Jesus, that's right.
Okay, let's show them the video.
-[DAVID.]
Actually, I was thinking I could play them that song I've been-- -[GWEN.]
I'm gonna stop you, right there.
No.
I'll get the laser disk.
-[DAVID.]
O-kay! All you campers head over to the activities field for your afternoon sessions.
noises of complaint Uh-uh.
Not you, Max.
-[MAX.]
Dammit.
-[NEIL.]
Will someone please talk to me about Science Camp? None of those kids looked too science-y.
-[NIKKI.]
What about that astronaut kid? -[NEIL.]
Astronauts, the wannabe jocks of the scientific community? Please.
-[DAVID.]
Don't you worry kiddos, this video will explain everything.
It was put together by our founder, Cameron Campbell, back when I was an eager young camper just like yourselves! he was an absolute legend-- oh, sorry, is an absolute legend.
A savvy businessman, extraordinary philanthropist, and one heck of an adventurer if I do say so myself.
Oh, it's true, Mr.
Campbell doesn't often have time to come visit the camp anymore what with him travelling the globe and, I'm assuming, saving lives.
But! He'll always live on in our hearts and minds.
It's like the man always said: We're here to have a great summer, and campe diem! Oh, if only he were here now.
[MR.
CAMPBELL.]
I'm here now.
[DAVID.]
gasp Mr.
Campbell!? Wh-- what are you doing here, sir? -[MR.
CAMPBELL.]
laughing Well I'm certainly not hiding from any authorities if that's what you're thinking.
-[DAVID.]
What? [MR.
CAMPBELL.]
Haha, come on, Davey! You think I'd miss the opportunity to welcome our new Campbell campers to Cameron Campbell's Camp Campbell? -[GWEN.]
You have for years, sir.
-[MR CAMPBELL.]
Haha, oh Grace, you slay me! -Gwen: It's Gwen.
-Campbell: What did I say? -Nikki: Hey, brawny guy? -Nikki: This is Adventure Camp, right? -Neil: Yeah, so far every attempt to answer our questions just raises more questions.
-Max: Hey, good for you! You're starting to catch on! -Campbell: Haha, don't worry kids! These two will take you on a tour of our great camp and answer any questions you might have.
Car screeching -Campbell: In fact, we should go on that tour right now, all of us, together, away from this spot.
instrumental -David: Here at Camp Campbell, we pride ourselves on the variety of our curriculum.
-Gwen: There's Extreme Sports Camp, -Magic Camp, kid laughing -Space Camp, -Theatre Camp, kid laughing -Art Camp, -Dolph: in a German accent It's a dog! -Other Magic Camp, -Magic Kid: Lightning bolt! -and lots more.
Lots of stuff.
-Nikki: How much more stuff? -David: Well I'm glad you asked, because I have a little song that I can sing-- -Gwen: No.
-David: When Gwen's not around.
-Gwen: By the way, Mr.
Campbell, now that you're here maybe we can discuss just exactly how we're meant to operate at this scale— -Campbell: Hey, is that kid trying to escape? Max panting thud -Max: If I can just get to that bus before it heads back! -Max: Ah! -David: Looks like knitting camp wasn't as stupid as someone said, huh Max? -Max: You are the bane of my existence.
-David: All right now, let's go.
-Neil: Excuse me, what the hell is this? -David: Ah! I see you found it.
-David: That, my friend, is science camp! -Neil: But but but-- this isn't what I signed up for! -Neil: I just wanted Science Camp, not Science Camp and more! I don't want more! -Campbell: Well that's why you read the fine print, sport! -Campbell: See, right there.
And more.
-Campbell: Now you can't sue us! -Nikki: So, what? It's just some sort of Camp Camp? -Campbell: Well I mean, I wouldn't exactly call it out like that.
But yes.
-Neil: This is bullshit! -Max: Woah, check out the balls on new kid.
-Nikki: Where? -Neil: I don't know what kind of operation you think you're running, but I won't stand for it! -Neil: I'm a man of science! -Neil: You think you can rummage together some outdated equipment and call it a laboratory!? -Gwen: Look, kid, I know it's not-- -Campbell: Stand down, Gretchen.
-Campbell: I'll speak to the children.
-Campbell: Kids, I'm going to be blunt and honest with you.
-Campbell: When I opened Camp Campbell all those years ago, I had one goal and one goal only.
-Campbell: To create the most popular and successful summer camp in the world! -Campbell: But times have changed.
-Campbell: Things like the internet, video games, and the Affordable Care Act are ruining this great country of ours, -and the children of today just aren't interested in a traditional summer camp.
-Campbell: But America isn't a traditional country! -Campbell: So why settle for anything less! -Campbell: You've got two acceptable counsellors, one hell of a Quartermaster, and endless possibilities here at Camp Campbell.
-Campbell: And by God, as long as I'm here-- tires screeching gunshots -Campbell: Code black, code black! -Campbell: Well, look at the time.
Gotta go! -David: Sir! Where are you going? -Campbell: The nearest international waters, Davey.
Have a great summer, kids! -Campbell: fading away And campe diem! gunshots Tires screeching -Nikki: He seems nice.
-Gwen: Oh God it's coming back, the crippling anxiety and regret.
-David: Uh, Gwen!? -Quartermaster: Well, time to be getting that there bus back to that there city.
-Max: Neil, that bus is our only chance out of here.
-Max: Do you want to spend the rest of your summer at this godforsaken place or do you want to enjoy the sweet taste of freedom? -Gwen: Why did I get a liberal arts degree? -Neil: Let's get the fuck out of here.
-Nikki: Makin' a break for it? -Nikki: I can make a distraction for you.
-Max: Why would you help us? -Nikki: I'm an agent of chaos.
-Nikki: Hey David! -David: Yes Nikki! -Nikki: How about you pick up our spirits with that camp song you won't shut up about? -David: Well that's a great idea! -Gwen: Oh Jesus Christ no.
-David: Ooooohhh, -there's a place I know that's tucked away, a place where you and I can stay, -where we can go to laugh and play and have adventures every day! -I know it sounds hard to believe but guys and gals it's true, Camp Campbell is the place for me and-- -Gwen: The kids are gone.
thud panting -Quartermaster: No running.
(It sucks!) I'm sorry I'm sorry (It always sucks!) I'm-- -Quartermaster: No running.
Kids panting -Max: There it is! -Neil: They're right behind us! -David: Max, get back here! You are being a bad influence on our new campers! -Max: Never! -Nikki: Max, hurry! dramatic music -Nikki: Heee-ya! -David: Oh! -Gwen: Oof! Nikki and Max laughing -Max: Remember this face, David, cause you'll never see it again! tires screeching Max laughing -Sheriff: I'm getting real tired of having to come up here, David.
-David: I know, Sal.
-Max: We were so close! -Neil: Well, I mean in hindsight none of us really know how to drive.
-Gwen: Yeah, honestly Max, how far did you expect to make it? -Nikki: Imma be real, I just always wanted to drive a bus.
-David: Well kids, I hope we all learned something today.
-Max: Oh, no.
I hope YOU learned, David.
-Max: I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with.
-Max: But now you've got three.
-Max: Let's go, guys.
I'll take you to our tent.
-Nikki: Woohoo! -Nikki: This is gonna be awesome! -Gwen: This is gonna be awful.
-David: Oh, come on Gwen! Look at the bright side! -David: Max made not one, not three, but two new friends today! David screams in Terror and Pain You never seen nothin' like this before! What? When the lights in the house crash down with the sound of respect to pride The east side where the motherfuckers try to slide a ride And find out it's the turn of the tides What? And keep it real if you feel the fucking deal is drop, gunshot that'll stab your motherfucking heart, like Bitch, motherfucker stay away from me! Take a hit from this motherfucking symphony Pop pop is the sound that will make when you drop Motherfucking rollin' out, go to bitch jail.
C'mon!