Camping (US) (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

1 - I think I got it.
- Did you get it? - Yes.
- Oh, let me see.
Is it a good one? - Let me see.
- I think.
Did you like it? It's kicky, right? It's like It was kind of kicky.
- It's unexpected.
- Is that good? - Oh, no, that's good.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's good.
- Good.
- Let's do it.
Okay.
- Good work, honey.
Okay.
Okay.
I've got this.
I've got it.
- Okay.
- Just stay put.
- Yup.
- Hi.
I'm Kathryn McSorley-Jodell.
My husband, Walt Jodell, and I are checking in.
Party of nine Eight adults, one child Four nights at the Groupon rate.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, what We weren't expecting y'all till later.
Oh, well, it says check-in is at noon, and it it's noon.
Oh, I guess it is.
Harry! Harry, honey, there There's a white lady here.
Ah, I see you've met my wife.
The only ass that slaps back.
I'm Harry.
I'm the propri I run the place.
Okay.
I'm Kathryn McSorley-Jodell.
My husband, Walt Jodell, and I are checking in.
Party of nine Eight adults, one kid Four nights at the Groupon rate.
All right, great.
Well, we're all ready for you.
I got your tent set up.
The bathroom is clearly located.
It's got a big ole sign that says "El Baño.
" - Okay.
- Now, the hot water here is a little touch-and-go, so you want me to boil you a bath, you come up here.
You knock on the door.
Give me four hours' notice.
I'm gonna take great care of you.
Am I an alligator? I don't know what you are.
Oh, uh Um, uh, I was in "Children of a Lesser God" and "The Doctor.
" Um, "Damages" season two.
Um, do you want me to sign anything? A waiver, a photo release? Not unless you're famous.
Are you? Are you you famous? 'Cause we don't watch much TV.
I have a fairly popular Instagram account.
Maybe maybe you recognize me from that.
It's cresting 11,000 followers.
Yeah.
It's mostly for other working moms and women living with chronic pain.
- Eh, you might have missed it.
- Great.
Well, you're gonna need a pellet gun in case of bears.
- Be bears? - Yeah.
- Li live bears? - Look, we hardly ever see 'em.
It's just to scare 'em away.
- Nan, pass Daddy her piece.
- No, no.
We don't believe in guns.
- Nope, um - Oh.
Oh, you don't believe in guns.
Like, you don't think they exist? Because they do exist.
I mean, I-I'm holding one right here.
Um, no.
We don't like them, and we have a child.
So we're good.
Thank you.
Listen, they're just BBs.
They're harmless.
Check this out.
Nan? You're gonna like this.
See? Not so bad at all, huh? Perhaps you could just point me in the direction of the camp.
It'd be my great honor.
- Right on down that road.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Nice meeting you.
All righty.
Whoo! That's the last.
My God, where have you been? I would say it is more than 1/3 of a mile back to the car.
I'm not exactly Google Maps over here.
Just put this stuff down.
Come on.
- What? - I need your help getting some mattresses out of the other tents.
I'm sorry, I don't understand - what is happening.
- Come on, move, move, move.
- You're so slow.
- Slow but steady - wins the race.
- No.
I need these mattresses for my back.
Hard surfaces wreak havoc on my pelvic floor.
We already have our own mattresses.
Three one for each member of our family.
I wouldn't call these mattresses.
I'd call them pallets.
What will the other people use? Do you want me to have a dysfunctional pelvic floor the whole of your birthday weekend? - Is that what you want? - No.
Of course not, honey.
Well, then hurry before the others get here.
Oh, hi, big boy.
This isn't Mommy stealing.
Seems like it is, but it's not.
Then what is it? It's it's for Mommy's pelvic floor.
What's a pelvic floor? It's the muscles in my pelvis that control my sphincter and the opening of my vaginal - Orvis! Orvis! Orvis! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - No, no, no, no! - Oh, my! - It was here when I got here.
- Give it to Dad.
I guess it's for the bears.
- It's just BBs.
- BBs can cause - serious injury.
- Yes.
Christ on a cracker, do not point a gun at your father.
- Ever.
- Come on, baby boy.
- I didn't mean to.
- Come on.
Whoo! Hi! Oh, hi, hi! Oh! Lovely day.
Well, this makes Tucson look like a sack of junk.
Carleen, I asked you to come early - to help me set up.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
We got a little lost along the highways.
And also along the byways.
You know what Mom always said about you? You follow from the front.
Confuses people.
Oh, she must have said that when I wasn't there.
Hey! - Come here, Carleen.
- Oh, there he is! Happy birthday, dear Walter.
Hi, Orvie.
- Hi, Carleen.
- It's just so exciting - you were born! - Aw, shucks.
Okay.
This is so sweet.
I'm gonna put it away until designated present-opening time, okay? She always has a plan, my Katty.
Oh, she sure does.
These days, I can barely remember anything.
Where's Joe? Let me guess.
- Stuck in the office.
- Oh, no, he's here.
He's sleeping in the car.
- Long drive.
- Well, I drove, actually, but Joe always says it's much more tiring for the person in the passenger seat.
Oh, good.
I'll go help.
- Hoofin' it! - Oh, they'd appreciate that so much! His arms have been somewhat atrophied lately.
- Sorry, did you say "they"? - Oh, sorry.
Sol's sleepover plans fell through because she brought a knife to chorus, - so she's with us this weekend.
- No.
Sorry, that's not gonna work for me.
Oh, come on.
She's my stepdaughter.
Sorry, it's no children allowed.
You brought your child.
Yes, because it's Walt's birthday, so of course his child is gonna come.
Are you insane? Should I just open it up for people's dogs too? Well, that doesn't seem like a very fair comparison.
Have you met Sol? If you hop in the car now, you can catch the tail end of "All Things Considered.
" I mean, this must have felt sort of like a vacation, nice drive.
Hey, what's going on, sexy sisters? Sorry, sorry.
We had to bring Sol, and I guess there isn't room, so we have to head back to Tucson.
Read the Evite top to bottom.
They weren't suggestions.
I left your gift in the tent, Walt.
- Oh.
- It's a metal detector.
Oh, my God.
No.
Kath, no.
No.
To have Sol stay is, well it's my birthday wish.
And we have an extra tent.
What extra tent? Why? Because Margaret and Miguel aren't coming.
What? No.
Since when? - Hey.
- Ah! Welcome to the camps.
- Walt, no.
- Happy birthday, old man.
Sorry.
- There you go.
- I may be old, but you're tall.
Wait, what happened to Miguel and Margaret? Oh, shit, nobody told you? Have you not spoken to Margaret? Well, not directly.
She liked one of my Instagrams.
I assume we're in a good groove.
Oh, yeah, no, she's done.
She's finished.
She's fucking a waiter from 9021Pho.
It's pronounced "fuh.
" All right, which one's ours, Carleen? I don't know which one ours is.
- You got it? - Yeah.
Oh, no, no, he's doing great.
Show him your 30-day chip.
- Huh? - I left it as a tip at the Denny's.
Understood.
Carleen, I gotta say, I can't believe you didn't call me the minute The minute that you heard this information.
Well, it's private.
I didn't want to betray Margaret's confidence.
- Well, that's reasonable.
- That's a stupid thing - to say, Carleen.
- Oh! Sisters.
No, I'm sorry for them, and this This is a tragedy for all of us, but I hope they don't think they can not pay, because it's an equal split between four couples.
And none of us want to be covering them with the economy such a piece of shit right now.
Oh, I think the economy's doing much better.
We re-mortgaged at a very good rate - despite Joe's credit.
- Carleen, do you have to narrate every fucking thing, all right? It's like living with David fucking Attenborough.
Oh! Joe! - Oh! - Oh, God, Joe.
Oh, this news has been hard for all of us.
It's fine.
It's fine.
- I'm just a little carsick.
- He's coming off drugs.
Oh! Oh! I can't believe Margaret didn't call me.
I'm the person people call.
People come to me.
I'm their their soft place to fall, their their touchstone.
You've been so busy planning this trip.
I guess she just wanted to give you - the space to do that.
- Well, yeah, I've been organizing it, because I'm the touchstone.
And by the way, it is wonderful so far.
I ate one of those nut and seed bars.
It was nice.
Oh, that's bird food.
Congratulations, Walt.
You ate bird food.
Oh.
I heard they didn't have much of a sexual dynamic either.
Miguel and Margaret.
You know It's never too late.
Hello, mis amigos.
Look, your friend.
Go get him.
George is here.
- Okay, sure.
- Ah - Hey! - Brother! Brother! - My brother! - My brother! You're so weird.
- Carleen and I are sisters.
- Hi.
We don't call each other "sister.
" - You're not related.
- I mean, hey, you know? - Hey.
- We call each other sisters.
Hello, sister.
This is great.
This is so awesome, huh? - Welcome.
- You are 45.
- You old piece of shit.
- Well, you're not too far behind me, you old piece of shit, so I guess we're just two old pieces of shit.
I guess we are.
I guess we are.
Let's have a beer.
Let's have a beer.
- Yes.
- I need a beer! - Come on.
- Yes.
Oh, man, I - Kathryn.
- Nina-Joy.
Listen, I know we're not in the greatest place right now and that much of that can be attributed, potentially, to my possible actions.
I also want you to know that I'm genuinely positive that we can restore some balance during the course of this trip, and I want to make it clear that much of what I was going through was hormonal and that I'm now on different bioidentical hormones.
You're here to support Walt That's wonderful But by the end of this, I think we'll be supporting each other the way we once did.
Kathryn not now.
- Okay? - Of course.
I'm here to support George, as he supports Walt.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's leave the rest alone.
I'll see if I can do that.
I have you guys right here.
Uh, I-I think we're gonna go with this one.
- Okay.
- Just feels a little more private.
Good.
I mean, it's It's far from my tent.
- Beer.
Ah.
- Mm.
- Honey? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Mm.
- Beer? - Yes, yes, yes.
- Thank you.
- Great.
- Well, cheers.
- Cheers, cheers, cheers.
Cheers.
To you, you old motherfucker.
You old motherfucker.
Women may think those things, but they don't say 'em.
Wow, this is gonna be so fun.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
You know what? It might not be fun.
It might not be fun at all.
I have something horrible to tell everyone.
Margaret has left Miguel - for a waiter.
- At 9021Pho.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna go get, uh, settled in, okay? Did you already know too? Uh, yeah.
You know, Margaret actually told me a couple weeks ago.
Um, she was kind of going through it and A couple of weeks ago? It might have been less than that, but I didn't meet him until her birthday.
- Oh, you met him? - Kind of? Um, I'm gonna go unpack my stuff, okay? - This is really great.
- Yeah.
Isn't it? Does every tent have just one mattress? We're sleeping on a rug mattress.
You missed one.
Walter, what? I'm just huddling for warmth.
Isn't that what they say to do? Well, I am getting tomorrow in order.
Special day.
I know you.
You already have tomorrow in order.
So lay the binder down.
I need to run through it in my head Will you just put the binder down, Kathryn? Yes? Hey, Walter You know that It's not comfortable for me.
My pipes are inflamed.
The doctor doesn't know.
But the doctor said you were clear for takeoff a long time ago.
But it's a lot.
I know.
I know.
I know it's a lot.
Don't snap at me.
I need your empathy.
Mm, uh, I can give you my sympathy.
Uh, medically I don't I can't I don't know if I have empathy.
You but you Okay.
I'm here for you, honey.
You're snapping again.
Would you like me to use my hand? It's all right.
What was that? - What was the noise? - I'm sure it's just, like, a tree branch or raccoon.
That was no raccoon, sir.
Grab the pellet gun.
Grab it.
- No, no.
- Grab that gun.
I'm a pacifist.
Fine, give it to me.
Come on! Just another thing I have to handle.
I shot a bear.
I shot a bear! - I shot a bear! - Can you guys just - shut the fuck up? - This is a crisis! - I'm screaming! - Who gave Kathryn a gun? This isn't a bear! It's it's Miguel! Miguel and Margaret! Someone help me, I've shot my divorced friends! Wait, wait.
That's not Margaret.
- Who the hell did I shoot? - That was crazy! You must be Kathryn.
I've heard so much about you.
You missed me by a skosh.
I'm Jandice.
- Hi, you guys.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey, are you okay? - Hi.
- Happy birthday, buddy.
- I'm fine.
- I really think he's hurt.
- Here you go.
- I was told there was a bear.
As far as I knew, there was a bear.
You made a sound like a bear.
There is blood.
- Oh! - There's a BB in there.
I'm just so glad we're not actually at a hospital.
Those are the really scary places.
They actually make you sick, and I cannot - get sick right now.
- Who the fuck is this? You know, this is why I didn't want a gun - when you first handed it to me.
- And what if those two - had been bears? - But they weren't, were they? - Honey.
- Hmm? It's a good thing my son had on noise-canceling headphones.
- Where is Orvis? - He's next door.
He's fine.
Well, we should go get him before he gets shot, because that's apparently something that happens when there are guns around.
I think let's let him rest, huh? Okay, was it Jandice? Jandice, if there If there are bears here, you don't have to worry about it.
- I can take care of them.
- Oh, really? How? Just don't You don't worry about it.
Okay.
This is gonna smart a tiny.
Oh, no, it's not gonna hurt at all.
- Don't worry.
- Oh, that is one dull needle.
Oh! That hurt like a motherfucker - in my fucking skin area.
- Let it be known - this needle is unclean.
- Pretend I'm biting you.
- I'm biting you.
I'm biting you.
- Why are you biting him? Why is she biting him? What is happening here? Okay, listen up.
If a bear attacks If a bear attacks, what you do is, you take this part of your palm right here you jab it into his snout.
He'll stand down immediately.
It's not a big deal.
Your friends are so funny.
I know.
Told you you were gonna like them.
Uh, I can't watch this anymore.
- Can I get anyone a drink? - Oh, amazing.
I would love a spunky red.
Yeah, I could use something to steady my hand.
- I'll have a beer.
- Sol, you're 15.
Fine.
Can I do some stitches? - Yeah, man.
- She's not a doctor.
- She's not a doctor, Walter! - I know.
- Who is? - You all know I could fight a bear.
I could fight a bear.
Sol, Sol, have you washed your hands? This is fun.
Oh, my God! Stitches, live! This is such a great spread, you guys.
Kathryn packed so much food, you wouldn't believe it.
And she's bear-proofed it all.
She is a very thorough lady.
- This is a a dream trip.
- It is.
It's nice to get away and unplug.
It feels super healthy for all of us in such a fast-paced world.
Let's make eye contact with each other.
Yes.
Or we could do a quick pic for my Insta.
- That's okay.
- No.
Walt, grab my phone.
We could do it by the grill, and I'll have the tongs.
You could be smelling the bacon and loving it.
Really, no.
Orvis, are you bothering Harry and Nan? Oh, he's not bothering us! He's mute! Isn't isn't he mute? - What? - What's up, Scouts? - What's for brekky? - Hey.
Let's do this damn thing, huh? The air out here is fucking bonkers.
Ugh! And that bacon smells amazing.
Walt can I call you Walt? Everyone does because that is my name.
How are those old battle wounds? - Oh.
- They're barely even there.
I made this amazing poultice with reishi mushroom and sage.
It really brings the swelling down.
Okay, so there are seven minutes left of breakfast, including cleanup.
Why don't we grab some bacon for you to go? - I have foil.
- No, no, no, it's fine.
We'll just chow down.
Right, baby? - Sure.
- Right, baby, baby, baby.
- Okay.
- Would you care for some café? Coffee, coffee, coffee.
You do not want to see this cunt without her coffee.
Is that how they say it in New York? I don't know.
Is that word coming back? You know what we'd all love to know is, how did you two meet? It's a funny story how we met.
Well, don't oversell it.
It's not like LOL funny.
It's more like weird funny.
Okay, so after the divorce, I.
.
You're not divorced at all.
- Sorry, go ahead.
- Okay, the separation.
So three weeks ago.
So anyway, I was in such a dark place that there was literally nothing I wouldn't do.
So I see this ad at the back page of the "LA Weekly" for energy healing through touch.
- Mm.
- And I'm like, "Does my whole life just have to be work?" - Mm.
- Hmm? Human rights law this, human rights law that.
So I show up at this weird rave - at this loft downtown - It was my rave, my loft.
Mm-hmm.
Jandice is DJ'ing, and she's really focused.
I get so focused when I'm DJ'ing.
I'm already in such a weird headspace, you know? - And this - My friend Dusty gave him some ketamine, and he was like, "Sure, - I'll put that up my nose.
" - So I just start wandering all over the place, looking for a place to lie down, and I finally find this bed, - and I just passed out.
- And it was my bed.
I had just unfurled the Casper mattress out of the box.
The next morning, I woke up with this beautiful woman in my arms, covered in glitter.
And, uh, we haven't spent - the night apart ever since.
- And we found this tooth in the bed, and it wasn't, like, either one of ours.
Such a good omen, huh? So you're a DJ.
DJ, Reiki healer, I make and sell my own nut cheeses, and I do some modeling for this figure-drawing class.
- And I'm a notary.
- Oh, that's useful.
Oh, and she also did this muscle testing on me.
It turns out that all the vitamins I was taking were really hurting my emotional growth.
We only take vitamins because of the lies of big vita and the herbal companies.
We get everything we could need - purely from - Food.
Food.
Okay, vitamins actually saved my life, so I don't know if Miguel told you, but I had a hysterectomy.
Couple years after our son was born.
Late Obama years.
He ultimately took my uterus and both ovaries, but he was worth it.
Our little miracle.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
We carry so much life in our uteri.
Have you ever tried pelvic floor work? I know this guy Mattiew who does amazing internal releases.
Yeah, I don't think you understand what I'm dealing with here.
If I did some internal release, it would probably kill me, so I know.
It kills me every time.
He goes so fucking deep.
Okay, well, now that story time is over, let's get on with the itinerary for the day.
- Hey.
- Today we have a big bunch of birds-of-prey-watching.
Whoo! What are we looking for, Mommy? A nest.
A notorious hawks' nest A heritage site, in fact Where the most noble hawks in all of California Oh, my God, look at this gorgeous lake, you guys! Why would we waste our time looking for lame old birds - when we could swim? - You know what? Not a waste of time.
A once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Don't worry, folks.
Tomorrow we swim.
But today is for the birds.
We can devote today to the majestic red-shouldered hawk of California Whoo! Oh, you guys, the water is so good! Whoo! Oh, I love it! Whoo! Ah! Come in! What are you waiting for, you suckers? - I'm here, baby! - Oh! Oh, I love it! - Beautiful! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, today's not swimming day.
Tomorrow tomorrow we swim.
We'll play games.
We can do Marco Polo! There may be brain-eating amoebas in there! Let me just remind you, none of you is wearing sunscreen on your bodies! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, sir.
- No, sir.
- Yeah! Walter, don't do it.
Whoa! Whoo! Guys, eyes on me! I am the only certified lifeguard present, so please keep an eye on me.
It's pretty nice! Whoo! Guys.
This is nice! Swimming is tomorrow.
It's on the schedule.
Hike.
Orvis! - I'm really sorry.
- Walk away from me.
I think Jandice is dangerous.
My son is injured! - Hello.
- Help! You saying you don't wanna go to the hospital? It's not like we're gonna be of any use.
Honestly, I just need a drink.
Do y'all do jelly doughnut shots? I like you.