Can't Cope, Won't Cope (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
I Wanna Be Like You
Taxi! Taxi Good.
-Taxi Good.
Taxi Good.
-Taxi Good.
Hi! Drive on, drive on, drive on! -Harcourt Street, Taxi Good.
Well, should I wait for the others? There's just the two of us.
I told you not to book me on a Thursday night when there's only the two of youse! But we just want to dance, Taxi Good! We're off.
-I just want to-- Ah, no, will you sit down.
All right, all right.
Enjoy the night, thank you.
See youse later lads.
-No trouble.
Can I have your hat? I dig your T-shirt.
Put the top back on or leave the club! Sorry! Photo bomb! Lorcan, I think I'm still a bit drunk.
I'm actually sweating vodka like.
Also why is that air There is no need.
Aisling? You're typing very loud there, could you please Excuse me, Lorraine, you are basically on a bouncing castle over there like.
Lorcan, the alcohol is coming out through me like.
Hello, Sweeney Grimes and Hunt, Aisling speaking.
Hi, it's Jennifer.
Hello Jennifer, how are we? Aisling, Aisling, did you use this last? Yeah, weren't you filing the King report.
She's crumpled all of the staples.
Yeah, and how is little Todd after his ball? So heavy handed, it's just like No problem, um, yeah.
No, that should be poss-- That should be possible, yeah.
Okay, now which fund are you enquiring after today? Another five? Smashing altogether.
Okay, so I will send everything on to you, and we'll print off one for your file here.
It's the same rigmarole as usual.
Yes.
That is Gaelic.
I will teach you when you're over.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, bye, bye.
Lads, I actually cannot cope with Americans.
Did you just get her to put in another 5 million? Yeah.
Unbelievable! I think I might actually vomit.
Your review is next, and she's already pissed with you.
Will you throw money in my cup when I'm begging at the Luas? Oh, it's freezing in here! I'd give you money if you were working on your knees by the canal.
Lorcan, like! Although, do prostitutes make more money than beggars? Beggars make an absolute fortune like.
Aisling can we do your annual review now? Also guys, it's very warm in here can someone get the air con? Yeah.
Lorcan, do not turn that on! It's Baltic in here.
That's bad.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not bad.
Fits the brief.
But as I said before I have absolutely no sense of who you are by looking at this.
Okay.
Well, what should I do? Danielle, anyone could have made this.
What's wrong with it, like? Okay, this says to me this was created by someone who can draw, and has a questionable wardrobe.
What are you writing? I'm taking down what you're saying.
Well, you can stop.
Look, what do you want this to mean? I don't know like.
Well, that's the problem.
Are you okay? Colette is like a monkey on my back today like.
No.
A mature student shouldn't have to go on an exchange.
So what's her issue? Since when does a picture have to mean something? It doesn't have to mean something, Danielle, but it has to mean something to you.
Oh, don't you start.
Do you know what your work means? Yeah.
Fine.
-Nobody else might, though.
Oh, this has to be The Truman Show.
Oh, sorry.
I always use the disabled toilet.
Makes sense.
Help me clean this up, will you? Have I given you the impression I would clean up your vomit? Oh, God.
Come back.
Are you going for lunch, I'll come.
I have to meet a client.
We don't do that here.
Why are you home? Don't even ask, worst day ever.
Your top.
What's up? Nothing.
Come on like, tell me.
Fucking Kate decided to have performance reviews.
And? Yeah, they want me to do exams, they want to up-skill me.
I don't want to be more qualified to do that fucking job like! I don't even know.
Colette thinks I'm shit.
Colette, my lecturer for like three years? Oh, yeah.
Apparently my work has no personality.
That's that art-y bullshit, don't listen to her.
Hmm.
Here, I'll pour us two.
Oh, I wish, I'm working later.
I'm sorry, need the money, I'll meet you after.
Will you try to get off early, please? Yes.
-It'd be the best craic like.
Oh, did you get our jacket back from lost and found? No, I got us a better one.
Oooh! Nice! Lorcan here, please leave a message.
I did, they're numbered.
Hi, come in.
-Hi, Danielle.
Hi, Danielle, thanks for coming, she'll settle soon, we have to go.
Okay.
Alrighty.
Well, are you going to tell me your name? No? What to do if you suddenly have a fit? No Any allergies Mobile number? Grand.
Grand.
What? Do you want to see something fun? Hi.
Vodka, soda water and lime please.
No, two.
Fuck! Don't bother with the date rape looks, like.
Danielle! Danielle! Aisling! Danielle! Yeah, I'll see you later then.
-Okay.
Hi, I know I'm like an actual junkie, but can I borrow a cigarette? Em, they're menthols, all right? One second.
Yell! Danielle, they're menthol.
No, like.
I might actually take one for later, if you don't mind.
Simon.
As in Simple Simon? As in Simon Sez.
What does Simon say? Simon says any chance of the shift? Come on.
Ash! Ash! Toilets.
Toilets.
Okay, I want you to have this, all right? Come on! Did Lorcan write back? Not yet.
I can't actually cope with that Asian being bullied.
Come on, we'll mind him.
Here.
Go, go.
Hold these.
Oh, I love when you keep the seat warm for me.
Come on, hurry up! Yeah, we're coming like! Don't! I actually-- Don't lick your finger and put it in my face! I'm going to go home, okay? I'll follow you home.
-Yeah! Get me curly fries.
Hi.
Hi.
I have no money, but I can cook you food.
No, I don't think so.
-Please like.
Go on! Thanks, thanks.
Hey, do you want to come back to my place? My sister's place.
Okay, can we go to the 24-hour coffee place first, I've to sober up.
Yes, sure, okay, let's do it.
Yeah, come on.
Actually, can we keep the lights on, I'm really dizzy.
Oh, no, off is better with me.
Oh, I can't, I can't do tights.
Can you just take them off? Oh, will you get a condom? Oh, I don't have any.
Well, I don't want to do it if, like.
No, it'll be fine, I can pull out.
Ouch, that's actually kind of hurting.
Sorry, sorry.
Is it in? Uh, no.
Yeah.
Yeah, there, now.
Oh, okay.
-Yeah.
Yeah, here we go.
Sorry.
My sister will hear.
Oh, are you coming? No, no.
I'm not, no.
Hot.
Just a little bit more milk.
I hope you're not a vegetarian.
And it's dark outside, so you can eat.
Well, I'm not Muslim, and it's not Ramadan.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Is this that adult coloring No, no, no, no.
It's grand, carry on.
Do you like spice? Truman Show.
Sorry, I was just Do you know where my stuff is? No.
Okay.
Um, here's 40 euro.
What? For the pill.
I have a job, I have money, I can sort myself out, thanks.
I'd rather if you took it to be honest.
Simon! Hello.
Hi.
Isabel.
How old are you? Em, three.
Three? Yeah.
You're getting big.
Yeah.
Is she bothering you? No, no, she's fine.
Come on.
I'll get you lollipop, come on.
Bye.
Aisling O'Dowd? And this is the first time you've had unprotected sex Yes.
No, like.
Okay, well there's two types of emergency contraception available to you today, so we'll just-- You're the pharmacist, just give me the one you gave me the last time.
When? I don't know, six weeks ago.
Okay, Aisling, emergency contraception is no joke.
Oh, I know it's not.
But you're having unprotected sex at the most fertile time of your cycle.
Sorry, like.
No need to be sorry.
Well, what about STDs? What about STDs? I'm not sleeping with degenerates like, they're clean boys with jobs, like.
People with jobs get STDs, too.
You could have an IUD put in by your doctor today, that would also work, and be a contraceptive for the next two years.
What's that? It's a small coil that the doctor inserts up into the vagina and it just clips onto the-- Jesus Christ, like.
You just used the word "clips," like.
No, thank you, please, can I just have the pill? Okay.
You know you can't keep using it the way you are.
Have you ever been on the pill? Yeah, but I don't want to be on the pill like, I'm not sexually active.
You know what I mean, like? No, I don't know what you mean.
I'm not proper doing it every day like, I don't want to be on the pill so I can have sex with strangers.
I don't mind it for relationships like, but I'm not like that, I'm not that kind of girl, I don't just sleep around, you know.
I just didn't mean for it to like-- Okay.
Let's just leave it there.
You can have a think about it.
I'll get you the pill and you can take it here.
Oh, do you eat grapefruit? Or grapefruit juice? Just that it can interfere with some medicines.
I don't even like grapefruit! ? Partly for the hell of it? ? Solely out of boredom? ? Mostly for the story? ? It's where you get Your glorified high? ? Partly for the story? ? Solely out of boredom? ? Mostly for the hell of it? ? It's where you get Your glorified high?
-Taxi Good.
Taxi Good.
-Taxi Good.
Hi! Drive on, drive on, drive on! -Harcourt Street, Taxi Good.
Well, should I wait for the others? There's just the two of us.
I told you not to book me on a Thursday night when there's only the two of youse! But we just want to dance, Taxi Good! We're off.
-I just want to-- Ah, no, will you sit down.
All right, all right.
Enjoy the night, thank you.
See youse later lads.
-No trouble.
Can I have your hat? I dig your T-shirt.
Put the top back on or leave the club! Sorry! Photo bomb! Lorcan, I think I'm still a bit drunk.
I'm actually sweating vodka like.
Also why is that air There is no need.
Aisling? You're typing very loud there, could you please Excuse me, Lorraine, you are basically on a bouncing castle over there like.
Lorcan, the alcohol is coming out through me like.
Hello, Sweeney Grimes and Hunt, Aisling speaking.
Hi, it's Jennifer.
Hello Jennifer, how are we? Aisling, Aisling, did you use this last? Yeah, weren't you filing the King report.
She's crumpled all of the staples.
Yeah, and how is little Todd after his ball? So heavy handed, it's just like No problem, um, yeah.
No, that should be poss-- That should be possible, yeah.
Okay, now which fund are you enquiring after today? Another five? Smashing altogether.
Okay, so I will send everything on to you, and we'll print off one for your file here.
It's the same rigmarole as usual.
Yes.
That is Gaelic.
I will teach you when you're over.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, bye, bye.
Lads, I actually cannot cope with Americans.
Did you just get her to put in another 5 million? Yeah.
Unbelievable! I think I might actually vomit.
Your review is next, and she's already pissed with you.
Will you throw money in my cup when I'm begging at the Luas? Oh, it's freezing in here! I'd give you money if you were working on your knees by the canal.
Lorcan, like! Although, do prostitutes make more money than beggars? Beggars make an absolute fortune like.
Aisling can we do your annual review now? Also guys, it's very warm in here can someone get the air con? Yeah.
Lorcan, do not turn that on! It's Baltic in here.
That's bad.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not bad.
Fits the brief.
But as I said before I have absolutely no sense of who you are by looking at this.
Okay.
Well, what should I do? Danielle, anyone could have made this.
What's wrong with it, like? Okay, this says to me this was created by someone who can draw, and has a questionable wardrobe.
What are you writing? I'm taking down what you're saying.
Well, you can stop.
Look, what do you want this to mean? I don't know like.
Well, that's the problem.
Are you okay? Colette is like a monkey on my back today like.
No.
A mature student shouldn't have to go on an exchange.
So what's her issue? Since when does a picture have to mean something? It doesn't have to mean something, Danielle, but it has to mean something to you.
Oh, don't you start.
Do you know what your work means? Yeah.
Fine.
-Nobody else might, though.
Oh, this has to be The Truman Show.
Oh, sorry.
I always use the disabled toilet.
Makes sense.
Help me clean this up, will you? Have I given you the impression I would clean up your vomit? Oh, God.
Come back.
Are you going for lunch, I'll come.
I have to meet a client.
We don't do that here.
Why are you home? Don't even ask, worst day ever.
Your top.
What's up? Nothing.
Come on like, tell me.
Fucking Kate decided to have performance reviews.
And? Yeah, they want me to do exams, they want to up-skill me.
I don't want to be more qualified to do that fucking job like! I don't even know.
Colette thinks I'm shit.
Colette, my lecturer for like three years? Oh, yeah.
Apparently my work has no personality.
That's that art-y bullshit, don't listen to her.
Hmm.
Here, I'll pour us two.
Oh, I wish, I'm working later.
I'm sorry, need the money, I'll meet you after.
Will you try to get off early, please? Yes.
-It'd be the best craic like.
Oh, did you get our jacket back from lost and found? No, I got us a better one.
Oooh! Nice! Lorcan here, please leave a message.
I did, they're numbered.
Hi, come in.
-Hi, Danielle.
Hi, Danielle, thanks for coming, she'll settle soon, we have to go.
Okay.
Alrighty.
Well, are you going to tell me your name? No? What to do if you suddenly have a fit? No Any allergies Mobile number? Grand.
Grand.
What? Do you want to see something fun? Hi.
Vodka, soda water and lime please.
No, two.
Fuck! Don't bother with the date rape looks, like.
Danielle! Danielle! Aisling! Danielle! Yeah, I'll see you later then.
-Okay.
Hi, I know I'm like an actual junkie, but can I borrow a cigarette? Em, they're menthols, all right? One second.
Yell! Danielle, they're menthol.
No, like.
I might actually take one for later, if you don't mind.
Simon.
As in Simple Simon? As in Simon Sez.
What does Simon say? Simon says any chance of the shift? Come on.
Ash! Ash! Toilets.
Toilets.
Okay, I want you to have this, all right? Come on! Did Lorcan write back? Not yet.
I can't actually cope with that Asian being bullied.
Come on, we'll mind him.
Here.
Go, go.
Hold these.
Oh, I love when you keep the seat warm for me.
Come on, hurry up! Yeah, we're coming like! Don't! I actually-- Don't lick your finger and put it in my face! I'm going to go home, okay? I'll follow you home.
-Yeah! Get me curly fries.
Hi.
Hi.
I have no money, but I can cook you food.
No, I don't think so.
-Please like.
Go on! Thanks, thanks.
Hey, do you want to come back to my place? My sister's place.
Okay, can we go to the 24-hour coffee place first, I've to sober up.
Yes, sure, okay, let's do it.
Yeah, come on.
Actually, can we keep the lights on, I'm really dizzy.
Oh, no, off is better with me.
Oh, I can't, I can't do tights.
Can you just take them off? Oh, will you get a condom? Oh, I don't have any.
Well, I don't want to do it if, like.
No, it'll be fine, I can pull out.
Ouch, that's actually kind of hurting.
Sorry, sorry.
Is it in? Uh, no.
Yeah.
Yeah, there, now.
Oh, okay.
-Yeah.
Yeah, here we go.
Sorry.
My sister will hear.
Oh, are you coming? No, no.
I'm not, no.
Hot.
Just a little bit more milk.
I hope you're not a vegetarian.
And it's dark outside, so you can eat.
Well, I'm not Muslim, and it's not Ramadan.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Is this that adult coloring No, no, no, no.
It's grand, carry on.
Do you like spice? Truman Show.
Sorry, I was just Do you know where my stuff is? No.
Okay.
Um, here's 40 euro.
What? For the pill.
I have a job, I have money, I can sort myself out, thanks.
I'd rather if you took it to be honest.
Simon! Hello.
Hi.
Isabel.
How old are you? Em, three.
Three? Yeah.
You're getting big.
Yeah.
Is she bothering you? No, no, she's fine.
Come on.
I'll get you lollipop, come on.
Bye.
Aisling O'Dowd? And this is the first time you've had unprotected sex Yes.
No, like.
Okay, well there's two types of emergency contraception available to you today, so we'll just-- You're the pharmacist, just give me the one you gave me the last time.
When? I don't know, six weeks ago.
Okay, Aisling, emergency contraception is no joke.
Oh, I know it's not.
But you're having unprotected sex at the most fertile time of your cycle.
Sorry, like.
No need to be sorry.
Well, what about STDs? What about STDs? I'm not sleeping with degenerates like, they're clean boys with jobs, like.
People with jobs get STDs, too.
You could have an IUD put in by your doctor today, that would also work, and be a contraceptive for the next two years.
What's that? It's a small coil that the doctor inserts up into the vagina and it just clips onto the-- Jesus Christ, like.
You just used the word "clips," like.
No, thank you, please, can I just have the pill? Okay.
You know you can't keep using it the way you are.
Have you ever been on the pill? Yeah, but I don't want to be on the pill like, I'm not sexually active.
You know what I mean, like? No, I don't know what you mean.
I'm not proper doing it every day like, I don't want to be on the pill so I can have sex with strangers.
I don't mind it for relationships like, but I'm not like that, I'm not that kind of girl, I don't just sleep around, you know.
I just didn't mean for it to like-- Okay.
Let's just leave it there.
You can have a think about it.
I'll get you the pill and you can take it here.
Oh, do you eat grapefruit? Or grapefruit juice? Just that it can interfere with some medicines.
I don't even like grapefruit! ? Partly for the hell of it? ? Solely out of boredom? ? Mostly for the story? ? It's where you get Your glorified high? ? Partly for the story? ? Solely out of boredom? ? Mostly for the hell of it? ? It's where you get Your glorified high?