Cardinal Burns (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

You eating his dick? Yeah, I always eat their dicks.
Think about it, guys, third-quarter turnover is down and even though it's probably no surprise, 60% Hi, Mike, sorry to interrupt.
No problem, Charlie.
Sue, just wondered if you were free for a bit of a flirt? Oh, er Yeah, should be able to fit one in.
Great.
You look nice, have you done something to your hair? Yes, I had it cut on the weekend.
It really suits you, it makes you look like Cameron Diaz.
Oh, right, thanks, thanks very much.
OK, cheers, Mike.
No problems, Charlie.
So, yeah, profit margins.
All about maintaining integrity Oh, hi, Sally.
Hi, Charlie.
I have just been flirting with Sue in the boardroom.
Oh, yeah.
Went really well, actually, I'm on fire.
What about you? Fancy a bit of a flirt? Oh, I'd love to Charlie, but I'm actually just about to have one with the new guy.
Are you? Hey, Sally.
Sorry I'm late.
Have you still got time for that flirt? Oh! I'm sorry, I thought we'd already started.
You're ridiculous.
Wait a minute! I'm the office flirt around here.
Oh, well, be my guest.
Thank you.
Hi, Sally, you look healthy.
Yeah, thanks, I am on a detox.
Well, it's obviously working for you.
Are you done? Yeah.
Look, Sally, I'm not going to lie to you, I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass cos that's not what I'm about but every time I'm near you it's like my heart is racing at 1,000 beats a minute, Kiss me.
You're amazing.
Maybe I am.
Yo, what's up? My name is Switch, I'm a spoken word poet, and this one is called Runaround.
Check it.
OK, I understand I can't use Dad's Merc But the runaround was parked in the driveway, Mum, You don't even take it to work Cos of just one time when parking, I had to call Dad So, now, what you're telling me That this driver is bad? Now society will judge me As a man who can't park But do you forget, Mum That I had to park in the dark? So, now, what? You just going to walk away? You know I hate asking for lifts every day But just you wait till Thomas passes his test We got it all planned out You won't see me for dest! Dust.
Peace.
Two weeks.
OK, can I have Justin? Dustin.
Cool, do you want to follow me? Did you find it all right? Yeah, yeah It's freezing, isn't it? Yes.
It's horrible.
You're much better off being in here all day.
Justin, this is Ben the director.
Justin.
Dustin.
Justin, nice to meet you.
Did you have a chance to look at the script at all? Yeah, I had a look outside.
Cool, it's a new campaign for a fizzy drink called Fiery Hawk.
And it's a really silly, playful idea.
So, what we'll do on the day, there'll be a big green screen behind you and all the surroundings around you are going to be changing.
Cool, yeah, because I wondered how you'd be doing all that.
Exactly.
So, what I want from you is a big, over-the-top, animated performance but keep it kind of naturalistic and subtle at the same time.
OK? So, I'll tell you what's happening around you and you just sort of follow my lead.
Right, cool.
Just have fun with it, enjoy it and just be really loose.
Yeah.
OK, you're walking along and you're in this beautiful Arctic landscape, you've never seen anything quite like it.
Absolutely stunning.
You've been walking for days, so you're really, really tired.
And you're really, really thirsty.
Yeah, thirstier than that.
That's really nice.
You're really excited because it's beautiful surroundings.
So, you're really, really excited but you're nervous cos you don't know where you're going and you're inquisitive to all the little things around you.
Slightly more aloof.
That's nice, yes, sort of aloof and pompous.
But sexy.
You're a sexy, aloof, pompous traveller.
That's really nice.
And then suddenly, it just starts raining fizzy drinks all around you.
They're cans of fizzy drinks.
And you grab one of the cans and you pull the ring pull open and you just take a tiny little sip.
Lovely.
And you just start floating very gently into the air.
Really, really, slowly.
Actually floating up into the air.
I literally want to see your feet leave the ground.
OK, mate.
And, then, suddenly, you just hear whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo and you look up and you see this giant hawk and it's just circling above your head and it lands onto your back, digging its claws in.
And very violently just slams you down on the ground.
It just lands right in front of your face.
And you look up and you see he's wearing little red underpants and he just tiptoes around you and flips you on to all fours and very gently just pulls down your underpants and puts himself inside you.
And, remember, you're still thirsty.
You're still quite excited about your surroundings, but not as much as before.
That's it, and he's really going for it.
And then suddenly you hear whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo and you look up and it's another giant hawk and it just swoops right in front of your face.
And he's wearing little green underpants and he just proceeds to put himself in your mouth.
That's it.
And he's a teenage hawk, so he's got a lot of energy, a lot to prove.
The other hawk is slightly older so there's a sort of strange rhythm thing going on.
And they're really going for it.
You're still stimulated by your surroundings, but you're scared, but you don't want to show the hawks you're scared.
If anything, you want to show them you're having a good time.
That's really nice.
Then very gently, the hawk with the red underpants just pulls himself out and comes all over your back.
That's great, thank you, Justin.
Really nice.
Was that OK? Yeah, great.
Really natural.
Thanks.
Thank you, mate.
Cheers.
See you, then, thank you.
Bye-bye.
What did you think? A bit too Jewish looking? Mmm.
'Hi, my name's Rachel and I grew up in Godalming in Surrey, 'but now this fish is moving to London to start an internship 'with one of the country's leading fashion designers.
'I'll be living in a brand-new apartment with two brand-new friends.
'These are our dreams and they're young dreams.
' It's so nice to meet you.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh! Hi.
Here's too, like, best of friends.
New beginnings.
I have got wine teeth.
OK, let's play a game.
Right, you have to name something about your appearance that you really don't like, like the thing you least like about your appearance.
OK, you go first.
OK, um, I hate that question.
I guess, like, if anything, I wish I looked a little bit less like Kristen Stewart.
Yumi, your turn.
Maybe, my nose.
Thank you.
Oh, you've got a really nice nose.
Olivia, what about you? Her mole! That is so not cool, Yumi.
Worst friend of the year alert.
Right now.
Rachel! Rachel! Please.
Are you OK? I think it's really important that you make peace with your mole.
I know.
It's just really hard.
I know, it must be, it's really massive.
I can't believe she'd say that.
I don't think she meant to hurt you.
But I think there's probably a really strong chance that she did.
It's going to be so hard living with her now.
Olivia Next week on Young Dreams new faces Hi, I'm CJ and I am your new flatmate.
New dramas Topper shop! It's just top.
Topper shop! It's just top! Top Shop.
And new directions Father, I'd like to come home please.
OK, what am I doing now? You're running your hand through your hair.
That's right, how does it make me look? Pretty cool.
What does cool get you? Pussy.
Exactly.
And what have I done with my hair? Spiked it up at the front? Why? To make you look cool? And? To make you look young? And what does young and cool get you? Oh! Pussy! You're good.
Hey, when do we learn about the collars up? Don't run before you can walk.
You're flirting with me! Maybe I am.
What have we got? One adult male, homicide.
The victim's name is Mike Ridley.
By the look of him, he's been here for some time.
Note the cipher on the south wall, looks like our man's getting restless.
Any witnesses? No, sir.
And this, this is how you found the body? Yes, sir, nobody's touched it.
Good, good.
Any clean prints? We're working on it.
Our victim is a white male, approximately 30 years old.
190lbs, appears to be covered in some sort of vomit.
So what are we thinking? It's definitely our guy.
We should get some blood and hair samples.
Yeah.
Breakfast? Yeah, let's go and get some.
'My name is Banksy and I'm a street artist.
'And I live with my wife Jill and our three children, here in Hadley Wood.
' Come on, James, finish your Krispies, yeah? Come on, James, do as Mummy says, chop-chop.
'The reason why I wear' a disguise is of course to protect my anonymity.
Well, this one here is of a protestor and what I've done is I've replaced his petrol bomb with a bunch of flowers more to amuse myself then anything else.
And then this is myself and Jill on holiday in Stuttgart.
That's before the kids came along.
And then this is simply two queer policemen.
Today is a big day for me as I've found a lovely little spot to do one of my street pictures, it's right in the heart of Hemel Hampstead.
Have you seen my cagoule? Have you looked under the stairs? It's not, I've checked.
Why don't you wear mine? I don't want to wear yours, I want mine.
Why not wear your fleece? I am.
Why don't you just wear your coat then? Yeah, I suppose I will.
Oh! Morning, Daniel.
Daniel's Jill's son from her previous marriage.
First stop is Homebase where I need to top up on supplies.
Lime Zest, Kiwi Burst - got it Willow Creek, Green Parrot, Grecian Guard, Granada Green, Forest Falls Oh, they've got a new red.
I don't have Mint Glory and I certainly don't have, Venetian Crystal.
I'm in heaven, I'm actually in heaven.
Okey-dokes.
No, that's not happening, I judged it wrong.
Mission aborted, I'm afraid.
OK, guys, we're now onto Scene 11b, which is Margot at her laptop.
Margot, this is the scene where you're at the laptop and you're distracted by the fly.
OK? This is Jean Claude our fly trainer.
Hi, Jean Claude.
I'm Jean Claude, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Margot.
So, Jean Claude, in this scene Margot is at her laptop, OK? OK.
The fly comes in, lands on her sandwich, flies up and loops around twice.
He then moves over to the window and hits it three times, then buzzes back over, lands on the table, then Margot brings her hand down - squashing the fly.
OK, er, so what I can do for you, is I can get ze fly to come in.
He will land on ze sandwich.
Erm, Jean Claude when I bring my hand down, do I actually make contact with the fly? No, no, no, no, Margot, what I would ask of you, is you bring your hand down at an angle, therefore instinctively he knows to fly just under your hand and there will be no contact, no problems and the scene will be really, really nice, like this.
OK.
OK.
OK, let's get the fly out.
Yeah, I don't mean to rush you but we're in a rush.
Oh yes, I'm talking to my fly! OK, final checks, guys.
OK, stand by, let's shoot this.
Sound speed.
And turning and action.
Erm, its Cut! OK, so what's going on, guys? The fly only did one loop.
Er, OK, sorry this is my problem, erm, just erm, two minutes please.
OK, quiet on set, guys, and action.
And cut! Erm, sorry.
OK, can we get a tissue for Margot please? No, no, it's OK, I'll just Beautiful, Margot.
Great work, guys, and moving on.
Can we get a warm coat for Margot, please? Are we doing the scene in the bathroom? Jean Pierre! Oh, Jean Pierre.
Yeah, what's up, my name is Switch, I'm a spoken word poet and dis one's called Ghetto Life.
Woop, woop, woop! Go the police sirens, my very own urban lullaby, another night of violence.
Hell, it's just another typical night round these ends.
This concrete jungle, the endless CCTV, that conveniently turns a blind eye to the police brutality.
The oppression is like a noose around the necks of the working classes.
The fat cats sat on their arses, up in their ivory towers abusing their powers.
Whilst round here cats sat in stairwells smoking crack wasting away their hours.
Dog shit everywhere, rubbish bins filling up the square.
Old ladies stinking of piss.
Robbed of their pensions by the local kids.
Thank God I don't live here! One love! What's that? Tea strainer.
Where d'you get that? I took my er, old dear up Buckingham Palace garden party, didn't I? Cos she turned hundred in the week.
Oh, that's got to be a nice day out for you then, hasn't it? It was all right, yeah.
We got there, they had a little spread laid out.
Yeah? Nothing too special.
No? But they made it nice and had the tarpaulin out cos of rain.
Oh right, sensible.
I thought so.
So like, what's she like then, the Queen? She's all right, but she's got no awareness of personal space.
Oh? Yeah, right in ya like that, know what I mean? I've got to be honest with you, Terry, she smelt a bit.
What of? TCP.
Oh, I know it, yeah.
Reeks of it.
Oh? So what did you say, like? Small talk? I made a little bit of small talk.
I was like, "I like your house and everything, "I love what you've done with it," and all that sort of stuff.
Then I made a joke - I said, "I wouldn't want your heating bill".
She's pissed herself.
She's cracking up, she's all over the place.
She goes, "Oh you're a funny bloke, you are.
" Then she goes, "Bring your old dear, I'll give you a tour of the house".
So we're going round, room after room, every bloody room's a painting of someone she knows, or something or whatever, her granddad or something like that.
Anyway we get to this one room and she'd done it up like a bar she'd been to in Dubai.
Aha, likes a drink, does she? Oh yeah, she reckons she's a bit of a piss head.
She's quite sprightly, quick on her feet.
Right.
She goes, "You see that fire exit sign?" She goes, "Reckon I can touch it?" Then she's jumped up, about ten feet and gone right like that, whack, and just slaps it round with her hand.
She goes, "You didn't think I could do that, did ya?" She sounds big-headed.
She's not big-headed, Terry, but she definitely lets you know who she is.
She's the Queen, ain't she? She can do what she likes.
Where's she sleep, Phil? Wherever she falls, she says.
She has two footmen, they come along, pick her up, take her bra off and put her in a long T-shirt.
Oh, lovely.
Anyway the tour ends, we must've covered miles Eventually, she takes us up on the roof, she sparks up a fag and she's like this, "Right you gotta fuck off now.
" Just like that? Just like that.
Yeah, by the time we'd found our way out they'd packed everything up.
You must have been starving.
We were starving, so I took my mum to Bella Pasta, didn't I? So now you've met the Queen.
You've met her and done all that.
How do you feel about it now you've met her? Terry, she's just like all of us.
Yes.
She's a human being, it's not like her farts don't stink.
And she would be the first to admit it.
God bless her.
I need to ring Jamoush.