Carters Get Rich (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Ever wonder what it would be like if your 11-year-old kid earned more in a week than you do in a year.
Welcome to my world! I'm Tony Carter, and this is my house in Milton Keynes.
The one with the yellow shed.
That's where my son, Harry, came up with Honc, an app to help him talk to girls.
It used to be my shed.
Oh, I miss my shed! Anyway, I don't really get social networking.
- If I did, - I wouldn't drive a minibus for OAPs.
But it seems to have gone massive.
Harry still can't talk to girls, though! Now some big tech company wants to pay millions for it.
But will it change us? Nah! Let's talk! Ooh! Straight to the point! Super! Well I think you will be very interested in this.
- Is that the money? - No, it is our CEO, Mr Trent Zebriski, who would like to say hi from California! MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss.
Everybody dance now MUSIC: "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory.
Everybody dance now Come on, everybody! Dance! Come on! There we go! Give me the music Give me the music Everybody dance now Woo! Yeah! I like it! That's what I'm talking about! Brett, take a note.
From now on, every single meeting starts with a dance-off.
On it, Trent.
Carters, pleasure to meet you.
Harry! (LAUGHS) Look at you, dude! When I saw Honc, wow! I was super-frigging stoked, man.
And you invented it in your shed?! That's phenomenal.
What is that? Guys, what's a (STATIC) shed? Er, it's a small garden building, sir.
Used to house lawn-mowers, rakes and hoes.
Ho's in the garden?! Harry, I like how you roll, bro! So, what is the Honc story? He did it to talk to a girl he fancies! No, I didn't! We've all read your diary, love! (LAUGHS Wow! Love that, guys, don't you? So fricking real! Take notes.
That is real.
So, Harry, Honc is the future of social media.
Facebook has been taken over by moms, Twitter is full of trolls, but Honc is just for kids.
We're gonna make it the biggest site in the world and you guys very rich.
I'm afraid it's gonna take a bit more than just .
.
ten million pounds?! (THEME MUSIC) Ten million pounds?! Um When will we get the money by? - The end of the week? - I could get a PS4! - I could get my boobs done! - I could get my hair cut! Wait.
Wait a minute.
Harry's 11.
I mean, he's a smart lad, but he's not ready to be the boss of a multi-million-pound company! Don't worry about a thing.
See that big, giant head there? That is Oliver, right? He's gonna walk with you every step of the way.
He's a douche-bag, but he's a whizz with business stuff.
And the only one willing to relocate to Milton Keynes! Right? Love that! So, Harry, what do you say, bro? (HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALS) The best things in life are free You can give it to the birds and bees I want money That's what I want That's all I want - That's what I want - That's what I want Guy Fawkes Night lighting up time in T minus 11 hours.
Bonfire goes up at seven and I want you both ready to go at 25 to.
Yes! Mum said I can squirt petrol on it.
Oh? She can also take you to the Burns Unit when your face is on fire.
No-one cares about your bonfire, Tony, because I've found a firework that's so incredible, it's banned in Holland! It's called the War-head! And it was only 300 quid.
We're not spending Harry's money! It hasn't even arrived, yet! - What do you take me for? - Wow! An espresso machine! That's nothing! - (DOORBELL) - Get the door, Ellie.
I don't mind buying a nuclear firework, Dad.
I know you don't, son.
But I don't want you to.
Nothing's gonna change just cos you're a millionaire.
Harry, Richard Branson for you.
Just wants to say congrats! I can't talk to Richard Branson! Oh, Um Yeah.
He'll call you back, Dick-Dick.
He's right in the middle of something Alright.
Well, good morning, Carter family! Now, first things first.
The sale of Honc has all gone tickety-boo.
The money will be with you by the end of the week.
Ker-ching! Secondly, there is a press conference this afternoon and Mr Zebriski is flying in especially.
And he's rather keen on you all coming back to London for it.
Great! No chance.
Harry's got school and it's football this afternoon.
I can miss football, Dad.
You've seen me play.
You can get better! Oh, give up on that, Tone.
It's never gonna happen! And also, it is the Carter family bonfire extravaganza tonight.
I'm not cancelling it.
I've already bought the baked potatoes.
- (MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY) - What's that? Oh, I signed for it.
Somebody's bought ten iPads.
Oh, I'll take that! It's probably for next door.
Right.
I've got to get to work.
Drop me off here.
I can walk the rest of the way.
Harry and Tasha sitting in a tree C-I-S-S-E-N-G! Shut up! Oh, so that's her, is it? My advice, pretend you don't like her.
Dad, no-one does that any more! Ah, when I wanted to chat your mum up, I just punched her on the arm and ran away.
And we met at work! This is exactly the reason why I invented Honc.
OK.
Are you all buckled up? So, what is this "We Will Rock You" about? It's a musical about your favourite type of chairs.
Ooh! - Right, are we all on? - ALL: Yes.
Right, then let's go! (ENGINE STARTS) Hold on! I've forgotten my Kendal Mint Cake.
(STOPS ENGINE) Are we there already? That was quick! Thank you, driver! - Thank you! - No! Sit down! Sit, Ethel, please.
Thank you! What did you want to talk to me about? Ah, yes.
It would be rather wonderful if you and your family could attend the Honc press launch this afternoon.
Ah Well, we'd love to, but you heard Tony.
Oh, yes, absolutely.
And I completely respect his decision.
It's just, if the press launch were to go well, Harry could see the value of his shares quadruple.
We're not just talking millions of pounds, Liz, we are talking hundreds of millions.
So, I was wondering if perhaps Harry could bunk off and come to London, and we could just not tell Tony.
You want me to lie? You want me to deceive the man I love? To go behind his back? - W-Well, I-I - No, no, I'm fine.
I'm fine with it.
Just wanted to make sure that we're on the same page.
Oh! Harry! - Oh, God, I can do this! - (CRUNCH) - Good tackle, Jayden.
- Strong.
Shut up.
Harry.
Llook! I'm in a helicopter! A bloody helicopter! Come and have a ride! Mum, what's going on? We're bunking off to go to the press launch for Honc! I can't go like this! These shorts are from Lost Property! Who cares? - We're going in a helicopter! - What about Dad? We're going on a helicopter! You gonna touch the sky, baby girl Testify, come up in the spot looking extra fly 'Fore the day you die, you gonna touch the sky Sky-high I'm I'm sky-high I'm I'm sky-high I'm I'm sky-high I'm I'm sky-high Harry! Harry, my boy! It's very good to see you! Ha-ha-ha! - Ladies! - Hello! Mmm! You're so much taller in real life, aren't you? Ha! That is literally the funniest thing I've ever heard! Of course you remember Mr Zebriski, the owner of Zebriski Tech! Love the way he says that! The "ohner"! Not quite, sir, it's "owner".
- Ohner.
- Owner.
- Ohna? - Ow-Na! Ohna.
- Owna.
- Ohna.
Yes, that's absolutely right, sir.
Spot on! Nailed it! So, how was We Will Rock You? - Gayer than I thought it would be.
- I loved it! RADIO: 'In some more local news, '11-year-old schoolboy Harry Carter is about to appear on stage 'at a press conference in central London.
'The creator of social media app Honc will face questions from the press about the acquisition of ' We're going the wrong way! Shush, Ethel.
You're confused.
'CEO and founder Trent Zebriski kicks off proceedings.
' Once upon a time in a land called Milton "Keyness" there lived a boy.
This boy had an idea.
That idea Was Honc.
An idea so massive, it was bursting to get out of his head.
Until one day, it exploded.
The idea, not his head! Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Carter! (CLAMOUR OF PRESS QUESTIONS) (WHISPERS) Please no! Please no! PRESS: Harry, how do you feel? - I don't believe this! - 'Mrs Carter, ' - you must be very proud.
- Yeah, very proud.
Very proud of him.
When Harry first started shutting himself away on his computer, I thought like any parent would.
You know, "puberty".
Which is interesting, actually, cos he's quite a late developer.
Mum! Unlike Ellie.
She was in a trainer bra by her ninth birthday! (UNDER HER BREATH) Please stop talking! PRESS: Harry, how do you plan on spending the money? Three days I've been planning this! What are you looking at? (MUMBLES ANGRILY) What? What?! Who needs three kettles and five iPods? The woman's out of control! (LAUGHTER) - Been shopping? - Shall we do the fireworks? Bonfire Night is cancelled.
You clearly had better things to do(!) - Well, I can explain.
- Explain what? Why London's more important? Hmm? I specifically said that I didn't want Harry to go to that press conference.
And you went behind my back! Is this cos you didn't get to go in the helicopter? Oh, don't be ridiculous! This is about our children's education.
It's about honesty.
And integrity.
And trust.
And respect.
It is about the helicopter, though, isn't it? Yes, it's about the helicopter! You know I always wanted to go in a helicopter! We can go in a helicopter again, Dad.
Well, you'll have a job.
Cos you're grounded.
All of you! Dad? - Er, sorry, am I also grounded? - Yes.
Right.
I think that's technically kidnap.
This is all your fault.
Let me tell you something, you big, posh, toffee-nosed bell-end, we are proudly working class.
Oh, not this again! We're middle class! We've been to Malta! - Yeah, camping! - We live on a cul-de-sac! Which, interestingly, means "bottom of the bag".
- We're working class because we work.
- Well, I go to work! - It's a way of thinking! - We've got ten iPads! Not for much longer.
Cos all of this is going back tomorrow.
- Dad - I may not run a bank - or be an internet billionaire - Dad But people rely on me, and I don't let them down.
- Dad! - What? Sorry to bother you of an evening, Tony, but can we go back to the home, now? We think John's passed on! MUM: I'm coming in to the room.
I'm nearly in the room.
I'm actually in the room.
Mum, you don't need to keep doing that.
- Well, you'll thank me, one day.
- What do you want? You know how you've always been my favourite child? You want money? Well, I wouldn't normally ask, it's just that the immersion heater's packed in.
- We've got a combi boiler.
- Have we? OK, fine.
I want a new sofa.
Which I think, in many ways, is even more important than hot running water.
I told you, Mum, you can have all the money.
No, no, no.
Me and your dad discussed that and we feel that it's your money and we shouldn't touch it which is brilliant, and I'm really happy about that.
- What were you looking at? - Nothing.
Was it naked lady bits? - No! - Boy bits? Just leave! Harry, it's perfectly natural.
Your dad's got a whole drawer that I know Mum! Make sure you wash your hands.
(CLAMOUR OF VOICES) - Harry, can you lend me a fiver? - Harry, can I have your autograph? - Snapchat me! - Harry, you're so cute.
Harry, be my friend on Facebook.
- Harry, are you on Tinder? - Harry Alright, everyone, leave him alone.
Off to registration, please.
I want to have a word.
I'm sorry about the helicopter, Mr Summers.
- I can pay for a new football pitch.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
It's only a bit of grass.
What this school really needs is a new staff room.
You know, I've always liked you, Henry.
Hi, Harry.
Do you want to come to the library after school and help me with my homework? I'm going on a date with Natasha! Probably not.
You're grounded, remember.
Psst! A gift from Alan Sugar.
No? Also, the Financial Times would like an interview.
- I've pencilled you in for Monday.
- Oliver! What are you doing? Oh, needs must, I'm afraid.
The school won't let me on the premises without a police check.
I mean, ridiculous! Do I look like a paedophile? Yeah.
Oh, very well.
I'll meet you at the school gates at 3:30.
Yeah.
That would be loads better.
Is there anything you need me to do for you? No, thanks.
Actually, I need you to cover for me.
Posh coffee? Posh coffee from our new espresso machine? I'm surprised you haven't bought a dishwasher.
- I've already got one.
- What?! - Ha-ha-ha! - Oh! Oh, me, yeah.
Very funny.
Well, just for that, you can do the dishes while I drink this.
Can't be all that Mmm! - Nice, isn't it? - It's alright.
I know you like it cos you're making your special noises! I've had seven! - Is that why you dismantled the kettle? - Mm.
I just wanted something to do with my hands.
Liz I don't like telling Harry off.
Do you think he's alright? Yeah, he's fine.
He's just got a lot going on.
Shall we go for a run? - We never run any more! - I'm gonna talk to him.
OK, cool.
I'm gonna go for a run.
Liz, no more coffee! Yeah! OK! They put me in a dress until the age of ten.
Well, of course I was confused.
Ah! - He's a terribly good listener! - Where's Harry? I promised I wouldn't say.
Here, let me help you.
Oh, sorry! Didn't mean to touch your hand! It's alright.
Rich kid bothering you, Natasha? As you're here, you may as well do my homework, as well! - Leave him alone! - Who are you? Well, I'm his dad, thank you very much! You think it's OK to pick on him just cos he's small and got eczema? No-one knows about the eczema, Dad! Really? I thought it had spread up your back? (PUPILS LAUGH) There.
I've done it.
Please just go.
Alright.
Thanks a lot, Dad(!) - Harry, wait! - Do you know how embarrassing you are? Yeah, I got a pretty good idea.
Look, I only stepped in cos I thought you needed some help.
You know, sort him out.
I already sorted him out.
I put a massive virus on his laptop.
Wow! Things have really changed since I was bullied! Harry.
Harry! Look, I'm sorry.
But it's not easy being the father of a genius! And now with the money, and Honc, it's all a bit new to me.
It's new to me, too, Dad.
Sorry I missed firework night.
It's alright.
Maybe we can do it again tonight, eh? Hi, boys! Was that Mum? - Can we have some? - Yeah, course you can! - No.
- I mean, no.
If you want to get hammered, you can go up the pub with your mates like a normal 16-year-old.
Dad, do you think the face you've drawn on the guy looks a bit like Oliver? - Somebody called? - For crying out loud! Good gosh, that is the very spit of my Uncle Byram, - who, ironically, died in a fire.
- Have you no home to go to? Uh, no, actually, no.
I'm still saying at something called a Travel Inn.
Now, I appreciate we may have got off on the wrong foot a little, so I come bearing a peace offering.
What's this, then? This is confirmation that the money from Honc has been transferred to your account.
Congratulations! You are millionaires! But just so you know, this is not gonna change us.
Oh, come on, Tony! Let's celebrate! - Wa-ha-ha! - See what I mean? And that's why I bought her this! - The war-head! - Yeah.
I know I shouldn't have after what I said.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I blew the last of our savings on a racehorse.
(LAUGHTER) - Woo! - Rather phallic, one might say! Yeah, and it looks like a knob! Oh, wow! I think this might be the best day of my life! What about the day you met me? Oh, don't spoil it, Tony! I am gonna so love being a millionaire!