Celebrity Island with Bear Grylls (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Arrival
1 In 21st-century Britain, we have it pretty easy.
But, by their own admission, modern-day celebrities have it easier than most.
I love oxygen treatments.
I want to find out how these celebrities will cope when stripped of their luxury lifestyles It's absolutely beautiful.
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and left to fend for themselves in the wild.
It's the glamour of showbiz.
This programme contains strong language and adult humour I'm about to abandon ten British celebrities on a remote desert island in the Pacific.
It tastes like piss.
Fish piss.
I have OCL.
BLEEP.
Obsessive compulsive laziness.
Marooned in just the clothes they stand up in and with a handful of basic tools I don't want to circumcise myself.
Oh, my God! Mark! Mark, please, do it.
Alone, with four camera operators.
Hi, I'm Tom.
They will film everything themselves.
This is Josie Long.
Sorry, I'm desperately trying not to flash my bum to you.
They'll only eat what they can hunt down I got a fish.
Oh, my God.
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and kill.
Now I feel like an explorer.
Oh, thank you, darling.
This is proper real.
And, deprived of all of the creature comforts I haven't taken a shit since we've got here, which is slightly concerning.
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they take for granted Positivity, positivity, positivity.
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will they have the determination This is going to hurt.
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and the strength We have no water.
We have no BLEEP water.
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to survive? We are so, so BLEEP.
We've been out here for hours and hours.
Hang on in there, we're almost there! I have fantasised about being stuck on a desert island.
I'm totally impractical.
I'm artistic, er, you know, which, basically, is an excuse for being a lazy idiot.
So, doing something like this, it's kind of testing your masculinity, teaching you stuff, maybe making you realise how lucky you are.
As part of this year's Stand Up To Cancer campaign, ten celebrities have decided to embark on the toughest two weeks of their lives.
I really don't want to grow up and have any regrets.
When I get old and I'm sitting in my old chair, my rocking chair, I want to look back and think, "I had the most incredible life!" I love the idea of just being away from the craziness of the world.
I think in modern society, we try and cover our real self up as much as we can.
We're never raw, and I think this will show our rawness.
The celebrities are all taking part for free and donating their fees to Stand Up To Cancer.
My mother had cancer and I remember when she phoned up and told me, it was terrible, you know.
And that's the thing about cancer, there isn't a person in this land that probably doesn't know of someone that has been affected by cancer.
My grandad has had cancer twice.
He's a very rock solid person and .
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you know, when you see someone like that vulnerable, it's a scary thing, so this is why I'm doing it.
To try and help in any possible way, you know, I can.
I can see the island ahead and their adventure is about to begin.
DOM: Look at that! There's a beach there, which is good.
OLLIE: The beach looks all right.
This is it, guys! I'm dropping the celebrities as near to the island as I can, but they'll have to swim from here.
OK, so this is where it gets real.
The worthwhile things in life don't come easy.
Embrace that hardship every day.
Positivity, positivity, positivity.
OK? We ready to do this? Yes.
The equipment you've got - three jerry cans of water and some basic tools.
Grab those and get ready to swim.
Oh, BLEEP me! OK, first two.
Yes, mate! I don't see what the big deal is about this whole experience.
Well, they're in very, very high spirits Dom's saying, "I don't know what the big fuss is about, it's going to be a walk in the park.
" Let's hold that thought.
One, two, three For the next two weeks, these celebrities will have to rely on each other for their survival.
We're here! I don't really like people.
You know, entertaining them as part of my job, that's wonderful.
Hello, I'm Mark.
I'm a bit late.
I took the scenic route round the rocks.
But, the idea of being stuck with other people I'm not quite sure I'm going to get on with them.
Someone call the concierge to help with my luggage.
Aston from JLS taking a slash.
Nice to meet you, guys.
I've heard he's got an enormous penis.
I've heard the complete opposite, actually.
Oh, really? Marvin was the well-hung one, I heard.
Hi, I'm Zoe.
Four trained camera operators will also live on the island, in exactly the same conditions.
Hi, I'm Tom.
Hi, Tom, Lydia.
You all right? Nice to meet you.
Together, the castaways will film everything themselves.
JOSIE: What are you doing, Aston? This is called welcome to the island.
If they're smart, they'd get moving, get out of that sun and try and find some place to camp, because they haven't got long before it's going to start getting dark.
OK, let's get this away from the rocks.
It's time for me and the crew to leave.
Bye, civilisation! Don't come back! From here on in, they're on their own.
Shit just got real.
Shall we get going, because we've not got a lot of sunlight, have we? The group have just three hours to find a safe place to sleep before nightfall.
What are we going to do? When we came in, there was a beach over there.
Yeah.
So, we just try and go up and across? Did anyone look at the beach? There were palm trees, weren't there? Yeah, there were.
Well, my view is that we don't want to carry this stuff too far, do we? No.
So, even if that beach isn't right, we should Aim for there first.
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get there and then we can send recces out to wherever.
I agree, really good idea.
Dom seems to know what he's talking about, so, I might let him lead charge.
Don't want to take responsibility too early.
Shall we crack on? Yeah.
I've given the group enough water to last them 48 hours, along with three knives, three machetes, a medical kit and some fishing equipment.
I don't want to circumcise myself or lose something there.
So, just to let everyone know, we're trusting our entire first experience of this island to Ollie Locke from Made In Chelsea with a machete.
It's a bloody good shout.
Come on, then, let's crack on.
With impassable cliffs on either side of the inlet, the only way out is a steep climb to the rear.
Mind out, Josie.
OK.
WOMAN'S SCREAM What's happened? We've got hermit crabs! First animal I've found.
That's quite exciting.
The group's home for the next two weeks is this uninhabited Pacific island.
Its 10km of coastline is dominated by treacherous cliffs, and the jungle interior is no less forgiving.
I've ensured that the island has enough water, vegetation and indigenous animals to keep them alive.
But, if they don't have the ingenuity to find it, catch it and kill it, eventually, they are going to starve.
To add to their woes, I've dropped them at the height of the dry season, when temperatures can reach 40 degrees.
In this heat, doing anything will take strength and perseverance.
Oof! Well, fuck me, that hurt.
I'm knackered already, it's crazy.
That's the difference, you southern softies.
I'm fucking northern, we're tough.
DOM: This is the summit, guys.
Good work, everyone.
How are your crabs back there? I've named them Posh, Becks and Harper - and they're doing fine.
Look.
DOM: We are hunter-fucking-gatherers.
Agh! One just touched my fingers.
This might sound really stupid, cos we're in the middle of the jungle, but it doesn't feel real.
It's a bit like, "Ah, OK.
Yeah, we're here.
" Let's go around the corner, let's see what This is TV land.
So, I mean, there's got to be something around the corner that's going to be helping us out, but, just that walk up the hill was as difficult.
After their tough, 90-minute climb, the group get a glimpse of the cove they're heading to.
I can see the beach! Woohoo! Oh, my God, they found the beach.
And it looks amazing.
Oh, I can see it.
Look.
Look, look, look, Dom.
I've got no idea why we're heading to the beach.
Not being funny, the last place we should be sleeping, because we'll get eaten alive by sandflies, is the beach.
They all think they're on holiday! Go on, Ollie! Chop away, son! This is great.
To get to the beach, the group are relying on Ollie to cut a trail through matted vines just feet away from an 80-foot drop.
OLLIE: I honestly feel like we're in fucking Jumanji.
I'm a bit pissed off.
Why? My hair used to be exceptional and it's going downhill, I feel.
I'm most known for being the slightly ridiculous, camp one on Made In Chelsea.
I actually am quite hardcore.
I worked in nightclubs and once I picked a poo out of the urinal, which was my personal highlight.
I'm fairly sure everyone will think I will fail, but, I think in-built into all of us is an alpha male And relax.
Is there an alpha male waiting, screaming to come out of me? Well, actually, there has been at some point, yes.
Holy shit, is this the edge of a cliff? Yes, it is.
DOM: Ollie, stay left.
I know.
OK.
Just test your foot every time.
Yeah, I am.
ZOE: Oh, my God.
It's OK.
Just follow our footsteps, it's fine.
Yeah, yeah.
JOSIE: Ollie, please be careful.
ZOE: You literally can't see what's beneath your feet.
OLLIE: All right, we're through.
DOM: Ollie, that was the bollocks.
That was a good blend of caution and stupidity.
Oh, please be a nice beach.
ZOE: Oh, please be worth it.
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
Oh, it doesn't have as much coast as we thought.
Holy fuck.
The tide has come in and there's not much beach left.
Oh, no! The rocky cove is far from the paradise beach that the group had been hoping for.
Shall we keep going? No, no, no.
Where the fuck do we go now? We've no idea.
With only half an hour until sunset, the group must decide where to sleep as quickly as possible.
LYDIA: Ah, Dawn! The palm tree queen.
The finest Egyptian cotton, this will be tonight.
Dr Dawn, Lydia and Dom think the beach is the easiest option I'm completely confused.
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but, Mark's not convinced.
I'm concerned.
The tide's coming in.
Look, if you want to do something else, do it, but I think we just need to crack on.
I just think our feet are in the water.
Mark thinks the jungle floor's a safer bet.
DOM: All I'd point out is the lot of little holes, which are what things live in.
Do you think? Yes, I know.
Oh, fuck! It's a snake.
Right there.
Ooh, bloody hell, look at him coiling.
Means he's going to strike.
I'm going to be too freaked out up here.
Maybe we should sleep on the beach.
Are we sure the tide's not coming in any more? We're not sure of anything.
I'd rather sleep down here.
Blimey, it's a bloody nightmare.
I mean, we've done more U-turns than any political party in history, to be honest.
If we can't agree, I give us another 48 hours.
I don't know what I'm doing.
The light's literally about to go at any second and then we're fucked.
Yeah.
Shall we take a vote of what to do now? Hands up for the beach.
Three hours ago, I abandoned ten celebrities and four camera operators on a remote island in the Pacific.
Hands up for the fungus woodland floor.
Hands up for who actually doesn't know.
LAUGHTER Nightfall's 20 minutes away, but the group can't agree whether to risk the tide and sleep on the beach or take their chances in the jungle.
Why don't we vote for a leader that then dictates what happens? Because none of us know any better than anyone else.
Who wants to be leader and make that final decision? Not me, thanks.
Do you not want to? I think you'd be a really good leader.
I don't want to be leader cos I don't know any more than you guys.
Why don't you be leader for today? Yeah, we can have day-leaders.
That would be lovely! Do you know what? I'm very happy with that.
I'm duly elected first leader of What shall we call this island? Why don't we call it Pissflappia? It's a Spanish name for a fish.
It's Pissflappia! It is, it is! I'm naming Ollie Minister of Fashion straightaway.
Got it! I'm on it! Dr Dawn, Minister of Health.
You cool with that? DAWN LAUGHS Aston, I want you to get to work on a national anthem for the island.
Oh, Pissflappia! Nice! Someone send a hostage video to Essex, telling them we have their queen.
CHEERING Fuck me! This is great! So, we've nominated Dom as a as a leader, which I think is amazing and Dom is a true leader, he is a leader, and I feel that he loves the Oh, a hermit crab! See, in my mind now, I thought that this is now food.
Is that not worrying? We have no food.
We have no Deliveroo.
We have nothing and, for the first time in my life, I'm looking at this HE SHRIEKS Water, El Presidente.
Thank you, gracias.
Fucking great, this! I was expelled from school and look at this, huh? Fuck you, Haileybury, yeah? Running my own country now! LOUD NOKIA RINGTONE HELLO?! 'I'm basically famous for shouting into a big mobile phone' No, I'm in a restaurant! '.
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crawling across a road dressed as a snail.
' My parents are very proud.
'Well, the main thing I'm looking forward to 'is an experience I wouldn't normally have.
' Come on, boys! 'It'll be really hard, but there is no part of me that thinks I'll fail 'but that's only because I have a real confidence' about things that is completely unsubstantiated and I'm totally aware of that.
How do we address you? With great deference.
OK, so Let's just get all the fern down.
Dom's first decision as leader is that the group will sleep on the beach.
We're going to find water tomorrow.
Are we? Well, we must be.
You can feel it in your water? I can't feel it in anything! OLLIE: This is the most hideously uncomfortable thing.
It's like staying in a fucking Travelodge.
LAUGHTER, WOMAN SCREAMS Oh, my God! What is that? Oh, my God, it's huge.
The group attempts to settle down for their first night in the wild.
I'm just really concerned cos I keep seeing these hermit crabs.
I'm scared that they're going to come in the night and be like Biting at us.
They like any opening.
In what regard? Like arseholes.
Mouths? That's the main They love arseholes.
Oh, my word! Thank God mine is covered because mine is delicious.
ASTON SINGS Night, President Dom! Goodnight, Essex! ASTON CONTINUES SINGING SOMEONE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY Oh, for fuck's sake! LAUGHTER Well, hello, subjects! The president is mildly excited.
Sexually, we are very free here on Pissflappia.
It's the group's first morning on the island.
Right, I'm going to grab some water before I literally keel over.
With less than a day's supply of water left, finding a fresh source is vital.
Guys, can we get round just for a quick meeting, so we can agree on a plan? Yeah, definitely.
I think we need to get off this beach because we want to find a sandy beach and we want to find a water source.
Are we kind of in agreement with that? Yes.
Yeah.
Dom's plan is to send out a three-man search party made up of rugby player Thom, pop singer Aston Regardless of what it is, we will find something, 100%.
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and reality star Ollie as expedition leader.
I may dress pink, but I'm actually quite good at this stuff.
This makes sense because it's fast.
Three of us and a camera, hacking through, and if we can get a fire going here as well, we're doing a double thing.
Shall we get cracking? Yes.
I don't want to stay here, I really want to go out as well because I don't like it here.
Can I come, as well, because I feel a bit stressed just sitting still? Sure.
Whatever makes you happy.
I won't be a pain in the arse.
With comedian Josie and Lydia recruiting themselves to the expedition, selfie queen Karen wants to go too.
Right, let's do it.
KAREN: Let's go, then.
OK, come on.
The search party are now heading out with more than half the islanders in tow.
But nobody has thought to up the water rations to include the extra bodies.
Here is hot.
What a lovely view.
OLLIE LAUGHS Right, lead the way, Chelsea.
Timber! In camp, the group's first attempt at fire lighting is being led by Dr Dawn.
So, what have you got? One, two, three, four, five No, six.
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different sizes of twig.
Six.
Woe betide anybody that steps on my kindling! Dr Dawn, if we were looking at this from a medical capacity What would the diagnosis be? What would the diagnosis be? I would say almost terminal OCD.
I just need The A- to come up with No, what we need is a fucking lighter now! THEY LAUGH I'm sure I've seen the beginning of a porno like this.
Wait a second, guys.
There is definitely an opening here.
There's an opening? I'm sure that's in the porno too.
The search party's plan is to explore the west coast of the island, hoping to find their dream beach and a water source, but after two hours trekking, there's been no sign of either.
Do you know where we are? I've no idea.
And they are starting to lose their bearings.
Do you know what would make this show better? A map.
At the beginning, you just give us a blank page and we have to work it out and we get map-reading skills.
That would be nice.
CHEERING I am a singer songwriter.
Would it always haunt you, baby? Probably best known for my time being in the boyband JLS.
I get to perform to thousands and thousands of people, but everything in my day-to-day life is taken care of, so I haven't got to think about anything but performing.
Without food, Aston does not function.
He'll be miserable and grumpy all day.
Yeah.
In fact, somebody might even get boxed.
THEY LAUGH I'm definitely not a diva, but I definitely know what I want and how I want things done.
You look like Rambo.
I wish I was Rambo.
Jesus! I'm so hot.
I'm literally dripping in sweat.
Tired and dehydrated, the search party stop to take on some fluids.
If we run out of water, we are in real fucking trouble and Thom is a big lad, he needs probably quite a lot of water.
Yeah, I'm pretty fucked.
Oh, Thom! With eight in the party, their water supply is disappearing fast and they are beginning to realise they haven't brought enough.
I just think we should turn back because there's more water at the camp and we can just rest, eat something and go again.
You can't take risks with water, you just can't.
CHEERING I just hope that I can be a good asset to the group.
I'm quite confident in my own decisions.
Like, with stand-up, you get to develop a strong inner voice.
You go, "No, no, I trust this is funny.
" My mum despises all men.
LAUGHTER On the other hand, she believes that you should have one on you at all times.
Gigs are really hard, sometimes you just die right after night, you do so badly and you need to develop this voice that you trust.
I just think we are in real danger of getting lost here.
What if we don't find a water source? But what if we do? If we go back now, it's stupid - we'll do the same thing tomorrow.
Exactly.
If we go there and there is a water source, or we go back to a couple of coconuts.
So, what you guys are saying is you want to keep on going for hours? Come on, let's go, we're just talking.
No, we're not just talking! I just want to know! Stop panicking, it's fine.
We just need to trust each other now.
I'm just scared because I just think this is disastrous.
When you give us fire, I'm going to give you the freedom of any of the women of Pissflappia.
You can take them as your prize.
Back in camp, all attempts to make fire have ended in failure.
DAWN: Oh, bugger.
This fire is frustrating and tiring, but can you imagine what they must be feeling? They've not been shopping now for 27 hours.
DAWN LAUGHS JOSIE: Guys, wait up! We're lost.
Two hours after deciding to push on, the exhausted search party have found nothing.
That really hurt! But expedition leader Ollie is convinced he is on the verge of a discovery.
Just praying that there is some light at the end of the tunnel.
Fuck's sake! Just cliffs.
I thought we were home dry there.
Raaargh! In their determination to get results, the group have put themselves in a dangerous situation.
We have no water.
We have no, no water.
And what I The beach There's got to be a beach somewhere, but we can't fucking find it, it's driving me mad! When you've got a fixed goal in mind, the temptation, often, is to push on at all costs.
But if you neglect your basic survival needs along the way, that's when it gets dangerous.
I don't think that we have enough energy to make it back and we don't have a clue where we're going.
Too little water, too many people trying to go too far.
I think everyone is kind of agreed that we are fucked, basically.
What are we going to do? If the group feel they can't make it back to camp, their only option is to send out an SOS to my safety team.
KAREN GROANS ASTON: 'I'm on my last legs here, 'seeing people around me really dehydrated, like Thom.
'To see a big dude like that' Wow, this is This is not good.
I feel really dizzy.
I think we might actually end up having to press the SOS button and ask for help, because it's just madness right now.
We have no water and we cannot get back.
It's not that we don't want to, we physically can't or we will pass out.
We can't do it.
Just make the call, man, fuck it.
ALARMS BEEP Hello?! What's that? Yo.
Whilst searching for their dream beach and a water source, a party of eight islanders ran out of fluids and sent an SOS to my safety team on a neighbouring island It's been a fucking disaster.
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who've intercepted them on the island's west coast.
Huh? If you run out of water in a hot, dry climate, the situation can quickly become life-threatening.
It's page-one stuff.
You've got to prepare properly and understand your limitations, otherwise you come unstuck.
And you've got water in your bag? My safety team top up the group's water supply before leaving the island.
The celebrities now start to make their way back to camp.
"Do the fucking Island, Karen.
It'll be a fucking good challenge.
" Oh, my God.
Hi, guys! Eight hours after setting out, the explorers finally return, shattered by the day's failed mission.
We're so pleased to see you.
ASTON: That is definitely the worst day of my life.
Really? Nothing comes close.
Had a nice day out, have you? How's your day been? Good.
You've been walking eight hours, basically.
In the heat.
And we only had one stop.
I hate to say it - no beach? No.
Nothing? No sign of anything? There's nothing that side.
Guys, it sounds like hell.
We've only been here just over 24 hours.
I know.
That's what's so terrifying.
I know.
I ain't going to like this.
It's breaking me a little bit.
It's ridiculous.
I just want to go home.
The group are facing their second night on the island with no fire, no food and no water source.
I'd holiday in Guantanamo compared to this.
LAUGHTER I really would.
They get fed, they get taken for a walk in orange jumpsuits - what the fuck are they grumbling about? Well, actually, I am going to Guantanamo for my next book, and I'll be shouting, "It's a fucking holiday resort!" over the fence.
If you got all the jihadis and chucked them on this island, I swear, revolutionary Islam would stop in its tracks.
Good morning.
ALL: Good morning.
Good morning, Mr President.
Good morning, Mr President.
Thank you very much.
At first light, leader Dom gathers a group for a debrief.
Yesterday was a nightmare, frankly, wasn't it? I know you all feel disappointed that you didn't find a beach, but I think no-one needs to be despondent about it at all, and no-one on our side of the camp was thinking, "Fucking idiots," or anything.
I think this is a steep learning curve, and I think our steep learning curve has cost us 24 hours.
And that doesn't mean I have got any different, better answers, I'm just saying, in reality, we've lost 24 hours.
Somehow we need to make that 24 hours back.
HE CRIES Sorry It's like I really fucking pushed myself yesterday.
Oh, my God, so much.
As we all did.
But Mark turns around, "We just wasted 24 hours.
" Just that annoyed me and You kept everyone going.
Don't, for once, think that you've failed because of We've never thought that at all.
How in God's name are we supposed to know where to go on this island? If we did, we'd have a sat nav and, you know, we'd be a lot better off.
'All that I tried to do yesterday' is basically try and prove that I'm not a complete idiot, that I'm actually quite good at stuff and not this kind of stupid, pink-wearing guy that a lot of people think I am.
I just wanted us to get to that beach and find the water source.
For now, the islanders are giving up on finding their dream beach I'm so thirsty.
It's insane.
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so they can sink all their energies into finding a fresh water source and making fire to purify it.
Good luck, guys.
'It's getting scary now because' very soon we're going to have our last few drops of water, and then what? After yesterday's disastrous expedition, they keep the search for water closer to home.
That's very salty.
Think of the crocodiles that have dumped in here or something.
HE GROANS Fucking salt as well! HE SPLUTTERS Disgusting! It's mid-afternoon and the temperature has soared into the high 30s.
The morning's efforts have come to nothing.
Are you fucking kidding me? And the group are forced to strictly ration their last dregs of drinking water.
ASTON: My fucking throat is cutting up.
Singer Aston is concerned that dehydration might be affecting his voice.
Ahh I've no idea.
Have you had your tonsils removed? No.
There's no way I am risking my livelihood for fucking this shit.
ASTON SPITS If somebody gave me a bag of, like, brand-new make-up right now, I would say, "No, thank you, I'd rather have a bottle of water.
" That is how much my priorities have changed.
I don't think that I'm probably, like, a natural survivor.
But I will throw everything that I've got into it.
Hey, you look amazing.
I feel like Beyonce.
'I think part of that is from the fact that 'I've come from a very big family.
' 'All of us are very competitive and we are all very driven.
' Put it there, sister.
'I think people may be' shocked at how good I'm going to do.
LAUGHING: I'm saying this now See, that tastes fresh to me.
I think it is fresh.
I think that is our fresh water source.
There's water! Water! A water source? What? Wow! Things are looking up.
The pressure is now on to light the fire so they can purify it.
WATER GURGLES Oh, God, that sound.
Karen and Dom collect their first batch of new water.
It's incredible.
It's like desert happiness, isn't it? Don't Shall we do it now? Yes, go.
We've got an ember, ember.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I feel like I'm going to cry.
Can you smell fire, or am I just hallucinating? You're totally hallucinating.
Blow, Ollie.
Blow, blow, blow.
Oh, my God, so close.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Guys, we've got a fire! CHEERING We got fire! Holy fuck-aroni! Who did that?! Dawn and Thom.
Bend over, sir, I'm going to give you the highest privilege the President of Pissflappia can.
Oh, my God.
That's insane.
IN TUNE TO NAH NAH HEY HEY: # Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa # Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Hey, hey, hey We got fire! Embarrassing English singing moment.
Sorry, sorry, everyone.
We have fire! It's just amazing.
Looks like Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs in camp.
It's incredible, the morale now.
HE CHANTS HAKA 'The last 48 hours, Aston's just been a shell.
'And that' was the tiniest glimmer I've seen of old Aston coming back.
THEY IMITATE HAKA Oh, thank you, darling.
Gosh, who would have ever thought a few flames could make such a difference to morale? It's boiling, it's boiling, it's boiling.
CHEERING This is exciting.
Our first island water.
After three days of failure, the group are hoping their new water source will secure their future on the island.
It smells like your tropical fish tank has overheated.
It's not pleasant.
OK, guys KAREN: Yeah, go for it.
That's salty! It tastes like the juice of, like, a packet of prawns.
That's fine.
What do you think, Aston? HE SPITS Do you think it's salty? Oh.
Aston's spat it out.
That says it all.
To me, it tastes salty, but but I'm I don't know.
If water tastes salty, it is madness to drink it.
Your body may be tricked into feeling less thirsty, but the salt is actually dehydrating you.
Drinking it could cause severe sickness and diarrhoea.
OK, guys, who thinks this water is salty? Me Mel and Aston.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Fuck, that's half.
But despite their uncertainty, desperation drives some of the group to quench their thirst on the suspect water.
Oh, my God, I feel sick now.
What, from that water? Mm.
Oh, heck, don't say that.
DOM BELCHES Good morning.
What so fucking good about it? I don't know, feel sick.
Last night, some of the islanders drank contaminated water and it's made them unwell.
I've had a bit of sick.
Now my stomach feels really dodgy.
Fuck this.
It's going.
This moment in time, apart from fire Yeah.
.
.
we haven't actually achieved anything.
They just feels wrong but that was the water of death.
We're doomed, really, aren't we? Four days in with barely anything to eat and no drinking water left in camp, the group are in dire straits.
Pop star Aston has had enough.
I didn't expect it to be this hard.
I came into this very naive in a way to say, like, not that it's going to be a walk in the park because it's TV, but, "Yes, it's kind of going to be a walk in the park because it's TV.
" It is pretty hard-core.
Oh, no, it's fully hard-core.
And I'm not enjoying this.
So why not just go and do what it is I'm good at.
Aston has worked himself into a real downer.
He's really struggling.
I'm terrified he's going to leave.
So my main thing today is to make sure I get water.
Guys, we need to have a little meeting.
Cos we need to make some quite serious decisions.
Dom agrees that Ollie should lead a new search for water with Lydia and cameraman Ali.
Coconuts in there.
Oh, my, God.
Hallelujah.
Ready to go.
Having found nothing to the west on their last expedition, their plan is to explore the coast to the east of the camp.
Right, toodle-pip, everybody.
Bye, guys.
Bye, guys.
This time, leader Dom insists on a strict time limit.
Ollie.
Yeah.
An hour max then you turn back.
Fine.
Seriously.
And mark the trail.
I'm quite surprised to find myself sending out, as president, representatives of Made In Chelsea and The Only Way Is Essex as our last hopes in life.
The success of Ollie's expedition is critical.
Unless they find a sustainable water source, the group won't survive another day on the island.
The thing about dehydration is that it can creep up on you very, very fast.
You're going to feel nauseous, you're going to feel weak, you're lethargic and just a small percentage drop in your body fluids results in a massive drop in, actually, your performance levels.
Fuck.
Fuck it.
I feel so thirsty and tired and lethargic.
I honestly don't know where I am.
I've lost all my bearings.
I'm so delirious.
I feel like a walking corpse.
An hour into their search, there's no sign of a water source.
And they've already reached their time limit.
We have to find it.
There is no way.
I don't give a fuck if it takes us two hours.
We're not turning around.
We can't think like that, Ollie.
Why? Because we'll run out of energy.
This is what we did last time, remember? Even if we're an hour late, I don't give a fuck.
Let's crack on.
I just hate failing.
They are late.
Officially, now.
That really worries me.
Well So what do we do? That's really I don't know what we do now.
You know what worries me? I know how we're all feeling here.
We're so exhausted, we're dehydrated.
But we're actually sat still.
They're out there in the hottest part of the day in unknown territory.
Fuck sake.
I am now trapped in a bush.
Dehydrated and disorientated, Ollie's party are no longer heading east as planned, but have veered north into the island's dense interior.
Aargh! This is ridiculous.
Oh, my God.
Come on, mate.
We can do it.
No, I don't think there's any more to do.
I really, really don't.
I think this is it.
We can't stay here.
No, we have to go back.
No, we have to go forward.
Yeah.
The idea of that is great but, look.
I know, I know.
It's never-ending.
It's just the sun, we're in fucking midday heat.
I'm so thirsty.
I know.
It's getting a bit serious here actually.
We're here with no water and they're there, they must be out of supplies.
This is proper real.
Quite frightening.
This is a dead end.
I can't do this.
No.
Actually quite petrifying now.
How about we just get on the radio? Shall we? Lost, exhausted and scared Ali to Charlie.
Ali to Charlie.
.
.
the group make an emergency call to my safety team on a neighbouring island.
Say we're fucking dead.
Fucked.
Say that to him.
We're getting so burnt out.
All three of us are pretty strong people and we are losing our will now.
And we are really, really getting towards the shit.
Over.
We have fuck all water.
We have nothing.
RADIO: It appears that you are heading a little too far north.
You need to head directly south.
Over.
Is there any chance that you might be able to meet us because we we are so, so fucked.
Please, just, you've got lives here.
And we've been out here for hours and hours.
Over.
They're going to have to meet us when we get to the end.
Cos we can't move back.
We'll end up passing out.
Fuck.
My safety team direct Ollie's search party towards the coast where they can intercept them.
Are they coming in? TOGETHER: Hello! 40 minutes after the radio call, my team locate the group in a small cove.
HE WHIMPERS I'm so I'm so Go on, get your head up, Ali, you're all right.
I'm so fucking week.
This brutal climate really can be a killer.
If you over-exert yourself in searing heat, with no water, then you're on borrowed time.
Dehydration could quickly progress to heatstroke which in itself is a life-threatening condition.
The main thing is we found you, you're all safe.
Ali, get some water down your neck, you need to be drinking more, mate, come on.
The exhausted celebrities now face a tough decision.
We can't just keep bringing bottled water out.
You need to get to that water source.
We have no idea what we're going to do.
Mark, what do you think is going to happen next? In all seriousness? They just find 14 skeletons at some stage.
Put back on track by the safety team, Ollie's party has made the brave decision to continue with their search for water.
There's still hope for the Paradise beach.
There's still hope.
I'm not going to give up on this beach.
I'm really not.
Oh, my God.
What? Are you joking? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Don't get excited.
It might be salt.
It's fresh water.
That is fresh water.
What? That's fresh water.
No, it is not.
That is fresh water.
100%, that is freshwater.
Are you joking? Oh, my God.
I found water.
It tastes so fresh.
Yes.
We did it, we done it.
Yay! Woo! In the wild, if you've had the strength to fight on, despite failure after failure, then that taste of success, when you finally reach it, is the sweetest thing in the world.
There's a beach.
Oh, my God.
There's a beach.
Oh, my God.
We did it! Oh, my gosh.
Yeah! We did it.
I can't believe we did it.
This place is huge.
We got a choice.
We got that one, that one.
There's one over there as well.
Well, maybe that beach is purely for pooing.
I don't even think Mariah has a pooing beach.
I'm sure Mariah's got a pooing beach.
I bet she does.
Ollie's group may have taken the scenic route but their new beach is just 1km east of base camp and now they know the way, it's less than an hour's walk back.
WHISTLING Whistles.
Hello.
Hello.
They're back.
I'm quite pleased they're not dead, cos that would've been my presidency over.
We found water and we found the beach.
What? We know how to get there.
What? We know how to get there.
It just took us forever.
There's a water source there? One million per cent.
Like, literally, we stuck our tongue in and it was so fresh.
Come on! Come here, buddy.
Chelsea and Essex bringing it home.
Woohoo! Although my safety team had to intervene, the search party's courage actually paid off.
But from here on in, the islanders have to learn to cope on their own.
Honestly, I can't tell you how important that was to get to that beach which I knew from day one we needed to get to.
I was so pleased.
But even more when we came back.
Everyone's happy.
But despite the promise of better times ahead .
.
not everyone's in the mood to celebrate.
Papa to Bravo, Papa to Bravo.
RADIO: This is Bravo.
Over.
Just wanted to make you guys aware that I think it's time that I leave the island and come home.
Over.
Next time We're completely starved.
We haven't eaten in days.
Tom is really struggling.
He's so drained.
Literally, can't move.
El Presidente siesta time.
I would rather be led by somebody from the front, a fighter.
Is this a coup? It's so much more brutal than we thought.
SHE SCREAMS One in two of us will get cancer in our lifetime.
Help us to change these odds.
To donate?10, text FIGHT to 70404 or to donate online, go to channel4.
com/su2c.
100% of the money you will give will go directly to funding vital research.
But, by their own admission, modern-day celebrities have it easier than most.
I love oxygen treatments.
I want to find out how these celebrities will cope when stripped of their luxury lifestyles It's absolutely beautiful.
.
.
and left to fend for themselves in the wild.
It's the glamour of showbiz.
This programme contains strong language and adult humour I'm about to abandon ten British celebrities on a remote desert island in the Pacific.
It tastes like piss.
Fish piss.
I have OCL.
BLEEP.
Obsessive compulsive laziness.
Marooned in just the clothes they stand up in and with a handful of basic tools I don't want to circumcise myself.
Oh, my God! Mark! Mark, please, do it.
Alone, with four camera operators.
Hi, I'm Tom.
They will film everything themselves.
This is Josie Long.
Sorry, I'm desperately trying not to flash my bum to you.
They'll only eat what they can hunt down I got a fish.
Oh, my God.
.
.
and kill.
Now I feel like an explorer.
Oh, thank you, darling.
This is proper real.
And, deprived of all of the creature comforts I haven't taken a shit since we've got here, which is slightly concerning.
.
.
they take for granted Positivity, positivity, positivity.
.
.
will they have the determination This is going to hurt.
.
.
and the strength We have no water.
We have no BLEEP water.
.
.
to survive? We are so, so BLEEP.
We've been out here for hours and hours.
Hang on in there, we're almost there! I have fantasised about being stuck on a desert island.
I'm totally impractical.
I'm artistic, er, you know, which, basically, is an excuse for being a lazy idiot.
So, doing something like this, it's kind of testing your masculinity, teaching you stuff, maybe making you realise how lucky you are.
As part of this year's Stand Up To Cancer campaign, ten celebrities have decided to embark on the toughest two weeks of their lives.
I really don't want to grow up and have any regrets.
When I get old and I'm sitting in my old chair, my rocking chair, I want to look back and think, "I had the most incredible life!" I love the idea of just being away from the craziness of the world.
I think in modern society, we try and cover our real self up as much as we can.
We're never raw, and I think this will show our rawness.
The celebrities are all taking part for free and donating their fees to Stand Up To Cancer.
My mother had cancer and I remember when she phoned up and told me, it was terrible, you know.
And that's the thing about cancer, there isn't a person in this land that probably doesn't know of someone that has been affected by cancer.
My grandad has had cancer twice.
He's a very rock solid person and .
.
you know, when you see someone like that vulnerable, it's a scary thing, so this is why I'm doing it.
To try and help in any possible way, you know, I can.
I can see the island ahead and their adventure is about to begin.
DOM: Look at that! There's a beach there, which is good.
OLLIE: The beach looks all right.
This is it, guys! I'm dropping the celebrities as near to the island as I can, but they'll have to swim from here.
OK, so this is where it gets real.
The worthwhile things in life don't come easy.
Embrace that hardship every day.
Positivity, positivity, positivity.
OK? We ready to do this? Yes.
The equipment you've got - three jerry cans of water and some basic tools.
Grab those and get ready to swim.
Oh, BLEEP me! OK, first two.
Yes, mate! I don't see what the big deal is about this whole experience.
Well, they're in very, very high spirits Dom's saying, "I don't know what the big fuss is about, it's going to be a walk in the park.
" Let's hold that thought.
One, two, three For the next two weeks, these celebrities will have to rely on each other for their survival.
We're here! I don't really like people.
You know, entertaining them as part of my job, that's wonderful.
Hello, I'm Mark.
I'm a bit late.
I took the scenic route round the rocks.
But, the idea of being stuck with other people I'm not quite sure I'm going to get on with them.
Someone call the concierge to help with my luggage.
Aston from JLS taking a slash.
Nice to meet you, guys.
I've heard he's got an enormous penis.
I've heard the complete opposite, actually.
Oh, really? Marvin was the well-hung one, I heard.
Hi, I'm Zoe.
Four trained camera operators will also live on the island, in exactly the same conditions.
Hi, I'm Tom.
Hi, Tom, Lydia.
You all right? Nice to meet you.
Together, the castaways will film everything themselves.
JOSIE: What are you doing, Aston? This is called welcome to the island.
If they're smart, they'd get moving, get out of that sun and try and find some place to camp, because they haven't got long before it's going to start getting dark.
OK, let's get this away from the rocks.
It's time for me and the crew to leave.
Bye, civilisation! Don't come back! From here on in, they're on their own.
Shit just got real.
Shall we get going, because we've not got a lot of sunlight, have we? The group have just three hours to find a safe place to sleep before nightfall.
What are we going to do? When we came in, there was a beach over there.
Yeah.
So, we just try and go up and across? Did anyone look at the beach? There were palm trees, weren't there? Yeah, there were.
Well, my view is that we don't want to carry this stuff too far, do we? No.
So, even if that beach isn't right, we should Aim for there first.
.
.
get there and then we can send recces out to wherever.
I agree, really good idea.
Dom seems to know what he's talking about, so, I might let him lead charge.
Don't want to take responsibility too early.
Shall we crack on? Yeah.
I've given the group enough water to last them 48 hours, along with three knives, three machetes, a medical kit and some fishing equipment.
I don't want to circumcise myself or lose something there.
So, just to let everyone know, we're trusting our entire first experience of this island to Ollie Locke from Made In Chelsea with a machete.
It's a bloody good shout.
Come on, then, let's crack on.
With impassable cliffs on either side of the inlet, the only way out is a steep climb to the rear.
Mind out, Josie.
OK.
WOMAN'S SCREAM What's happened? We've got hermit crabs! First animal I've found.
That's quite exciting.
The group's home for the next two weeks is this uninhabited Pacific island.
Its 10km of coastline is dominated by treacherous cliffs, and the jungle interior is no less forgiving.
I've ensured that the island has enough water, vegetation and indigenous animals to keep them alive.
But, if they don't have the ingenuity to find it, catch it and kill it, eventually, they are going to starve.
To add to their woes, I've dropped them at the height of the dry season, when temperatures can reach 40 degrees.
In this heat, doing anything will take strength and perseverance.
Oof! Well, fuck me, that hurt.
I'm knackered already, it's crazy.
That's the difference, you southern softies.
I'm fucking northern, we're tough.
DOM: This is the summit, guys.
Good work, everyone.
How are your crabs back there? I've named them Posh, Becks and Harper - and they're doing fine.
Look.
DOM: We are hunter-fucking-gatherers.
Agh! One just touched my fingers.
This might sound really stupid, cos we're in the middle of the jungle, but it doesn't feel real.
It's a bit like, "Ah, OK.
Yeah, we're here.
" Let's go around the corner, let's see what This is TV land.
So, I mean, there's got to be something around the corner that's going to be helping us out, but, just that walk up the hill was as difficult.
After their tough, 90-minute climb, the group get a glimpse of the cove they're heading to.
I can see the beach! Woohoo! Oh, my God, they found the beach.
And it looks amazing.
Oh, I can see it.
Look.
Look, look, look, Dom.
I've got no idea why we're heading to the beach.
Not being funny, the last place we should be sleeping, because we'll get eaten alive by sandflies, is the beach.
They all think they're on holiday! Go on, Ollie! Chop away, son! This is great.
To get to the beach, the group are relying on Ollie to cut a trail through matted vines just feet away from an 80-foot drop.
OLLIE: I honestly feel like we're in fucking Jumanji.
I'm a bit pissed off.
Why? My hair used to be exceptional and it's going downhill, I feel.
I'm most known for being the slightly ridiculous, camp one on Made In Chelsea.
I actually am quite hardcore.
I worked in nightclubs and once I picked a poo out of the urinal, which was my personal highlight.
I'm fairly sure everyone will think I will fail, but, I think in-built into all of us is an alpha male And relax.
Is there an alpha male waiting, screaming to come out of me? Well, actually, there has been at some point, yes.
Holy shit, is this the edge of a cliff? Yes, it is.
DOM: Ollie, stay left.
I know.
OK.
Just test your foot every time.
Yeah, I am.
ZOE: Oh, my God.
It's OK.
Just follow our footsteps, it's fine.
Yeah, yeah.
JOSIE: Ollie, please be careful.
ZOE: You literally can't see what's beneath your feet.
OLLIE: All right, we're through.
DOM: Ollie, that was the bollocks.
That was a good blend of caution and stupidity.
Oh, please be a nice beach.
ZOE: Oh, please be worth it.
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
Oh, it doesn't have as much coast as we thought.
Holy fuck.
The tide has come in and there's not much beach left.
Oh, no! The rocky cove is far from the paradise beach that the group had been hoping for.
Shall we keep going? No, no, no.
Where the fuck do we go now? We've no idea.
With only half an hour until sunset, the group must decide where to sleep as quickly as possible.
LYDIA: Ah, Dawn! The palm tree queen.
The finest Egyptian cotton, this will be tonight.
Dr Dawn, Lydia and Dom think the beach is the easiest option I'm completely confused.
.
.
but, Mark's not convinced.
I'm concerned.
The tide's coming in.
Look, if you want to do something else, do it, but I think we just need to crack on.
I just think our feet are in the water.
Mark thinks the jungle floor's a safer bet.
DOM: All I'd point out is the lot of little holes, which are what things live in.
Do you think? Yes, I know.
Oh, fuck! It's a snake.
Right there.
Ooh, bloody hell, look at him coiling.
Means he's going to strike.
I'm going to be too freaked out up here.
Maybe we should sleep on the beach.
Are we sure the tide's not coming in any more? We're not sure of anything.
I'd rather sleep down here.
Blimey, it's a bloody nightmare.
I mean, we've done more U-turns than any political party in history, to be honest.
If we can't agree, I give us another 48 hours.
I don't know what I'm doing.
The light's literally about to go at any second and then we're fucked.
Yeah.
Shall we take a vote of what to do now? Hands up for the beach.
Three hours ago, I abandoned ten celebrities and four camera operators on a remote island in the Pacific.
Hands up for the fungus woodland floor.
Hands up for who actually doesn't know.
LAUGHTER Nightfall's 20 minutes away, but the group can't agree whether to risk the tide and sleep on the beach or take their chances in the jungle.
Why don't we vote for a leader that then dictates what happens? Because none of us know any better than anyone else.
Who wants to be leader and make that final decision? Not me, thanks.
Do you not want to? I think you'd be a really good leader.
I don't want to be leader cos I don't know any more than you guys.
Why don't you be leader for today? Yeah, we can have day-leaders.
That would be lovely! Do you know what? I'm very happy with that.
I'm duly elected first leader of What shall we call this island? Why don't we call it Pissflappia? It's a Spanish name for a fish.
It's Pissflappia! It is, it is! I'm naming Ollie Minister of Fashion straightaway.
Got it! I'm on it! Dr Dawn, Minister of Health.
You cool with that? DAWN LAUGHS Aston, I want you to get to work on a national anthem for the island.
Oh, Pissflappia! Nice! Someone send a hostage video to Essex, telling them we have their queen.
CHEERING Fuck me! This is great! So, we've nominated Dom as a as a leader, which I think is amazing and Dom is a true leader, he is a leader, and I feel that he loves the Oh, a hermit crab! See, in my mind now, I thought that this is now food.
Is that not worrying? We have no food.
We have no Deliveroo.
We have nothing and, for the first time in my life, I'm looking at this HE SHRIEKS Water, El Presidente.
Thank you, gracias.
Fucking great, this! I was expelled from school and look at this, huh? Fuck you, Haileybury, yeah? Running my own country now! LOUD NOKIA RINGTONE HELLO?! 'I'm basically famous for shouting into a big mobile phone' No, I'm in a restaurant! '.
.
crawling across a road dressed as a snail.
' My parents are very proud.
'Well, the main thing I'm looking forward to 'is an experience I wouldn't normally have.
' Come on, boys! 'It'll be really hard, but there is no part of me that thinks I'll fail 'but that's only because I have a real confidence' about things that is completely unsubstantiated and I'm totally aware of that.
How do we address you? With great deference.
OK, so Let's just get all the fern down.
Dom's first decision as leader is that the group will sleep on the beach.
We're going to find water tomorrow.
Are we? Well, we must be.
You can feel it in your water? I can't feel it in anything! OLLIE: This is the most hideously uncomfortable thing.
It's like staying in a fucking Travelodge.
LAUGHTER, WOMAN SCREAMS Oh, my God! What is that? Oh, my God, it's huge.
The group attempts to settle down for their first night in the wild.
I'm just really concerned cos I keep seeing these hermit crabs.
I'm scared that they're going to come in the night and be like Biting at us.
They like any opening.
In what regard? Like arseholes.
Mouths? That's the main They love arseholes.
Oh, my word! Thank God mine is covered because mine is delicious.
ASTON SINGS Night, President Dom! Goodnight, Essex! ASTON CONTINUES SINGING SOMEONE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY Oh, for fuck's sake! LAUGHTER Well, hello, subjects! The president is mildly excited.
Sexually, we are very free here on Pissflappia.
It's the group's first morning on the island.
Right, I'm going to grab some water before I literally keel over.
With less than a day's supply of water left, finding a fresh source is vital.
Guys, can we get round just for a quick meeting, so we can agree on a plan? Yeah, definitely.
I think we need to get off this beach because we want to find a sandy beach and we want to find a water source.
Are we kind of in agreement with that? Yes.
Yeah.
Dom's plan is to send out a three-man search party made up of rugby player Thom, pop singer Aston Regardless of what it is, we will find something, 100%.
.
.
and reality star Ollie as expedition leader.
I may dress pink, but I'm actually quite good at this stuff.
This makes sense because it's fast.
Three of us and a camera, hacking through, and if we can get a fire going here as well, we're doing a double thing.
Shall we get cracking? Yes.
I don't want to stay here, I really want to go out as well because I don't like it here.
Can I come, as well, because I feel a bit stressed just sitting still? Sure.
Whatever makes you happy.
I won't be a pain in the arse.
With comedian Josie and Lydia recruiting themselves to the expedition, selfie queen Karen wants to go too.
Right, let's do it.
KAREN: Let's go, then.
OK, come on.
The search party are now heading out with more than half the islanders in tow.
But nobody has thought to up the water rations to include the extra bodies.
Here is hot.
What a lovely view.
OLLIE LAUGHS Right, lead the way, Chelsea.
Timber! In camp, the group's first attempt at fire lighting is being led by Dr Dawn.
So, what have you got? One, two, three, four, five No, six.
.
.
different sizes of twig.
Six.
Woe betide anybody that steps on my kindling! Dr Dawn, if we were looking at this from a medical capacity What would the diagnosis be? What would the diagnosis be? I would say almost terminal OCD.
I just need The A- to come up with No, what we need is a fucking lighter now! THEY LAUGH I'm sure I've seen the beginning of a porno like this.
Wait a second, guys.
There is definitely an opening here.
There's an opening? I'm sure that's in the porno too.
The search party's plan is to explore the west coast of the island, hoping to find their dream beach and a water source, but after two hours trekking, there's been no sign of either.
Do you know where we are? I've no idea.
And they are starting to lose their bearings.
Do you know what would make this show better? A map.
At the beginning, you just give us a blank page and we have to work it out and we get map-reading skills.
That would be nice.
CHEERING I am a singer songwriter.
Would it always haunt you, baby? Probably best known for my time being in the boyband JLS.
I get to perform to thousands and thousands of people, but everything in my day-to-day life is taken care of, so I haven't got to think about anything but performing.
Without food, Aston does not function.
He'll be miserable and grumpy all day.
Yeah.
In fact, somebody might even get boxed.
THEY LAUGH I'm definitely not a diva, but I definitely know what I want and how I want things done.
You look like Rambo.
I wish I was Rambo.
Jesus! I'm so hot.
I'm literally dripping in sweat.
Tired and dehydrated, the search party stop to take on some fluids.
If we run out of water, we are in real fucking trouble and Thom is a big lad, he needs probably quite a lot of water.
Yeah, I'm pretty fucked.
Oh, Thom! With eight in the party, their water supply is disappearing fast and they are beginning to realise they haven't brought enough.
I just think we should turn back because there's more water at the camp and we can just rest, eat something and go again.
You can't take risks with water, you just can't.
CHEERING I just hope that I can be a good asset to the group.
I'm quite confident in my own decisions.
Like, with stand-up, you get to develop a strong inner voice.
You go, "No, no, I trust this is funny.
" My mum despises all men.
LAUGHTER On the other hand, she believes that you should have one on you at all times.
Gigs are really hard, sometimes you just die right after night, you do so badly and you need to develop this voice that you trust.
I just think we are in real danger of getting lost here.
What if we don't find a water source? But what if we do? If we go back now, it's stupid - we'll do the same thing tomorrow.
Exactly.
If we go there and there is a water source, or we go back to a couple of coconuts.
So, what you guys are saying is you want to keep on going for hours? Come on, let's go, we're just talking.
No, we're not just talking! I just want to know! Stop panicking, it's fine.
We just need to trust each other now.
I'm just scared because I just think this is disastrous.
When you give us fire, I'm going to give you the freedom of any of the women of Pissflappia.
You can take them as your prize.
Back in camp, all attempts to make fire have ended in failure.
DAWN: Oh, bugger.
This fire is frustrating and tiring, but can you imagine what they must be feeling? They've not been shopping now for 27 hours.
DAWN LAUGHS JOSIE: Guys, wait up! We're lost.
Two hours after deciding to push on, the exhausted search party have found nothing.
That really hurt! But expedition leader Ollie is convinced he is on the verge of a discovery.
Just praying that there is some light at the end of the tunnel.
Fuck's sake! Just cliffs.
I thought we were home dry there.
Raaargh! In their determination to get results, the group have put themselves in a dangerous situation.
We have no water.
We have no, no water.
And what I The beach There's got to be a beach somewhere, but we can't fucking find it, it's driving me mad! When you've got a fixed goal in mind, the temptation, often, is to push on at all costs.
But if you neglect your basic survival needs along the way, that's when it gets dangerous.
I don't think that we have enough energy to make it back and we don't have a clue where we're going.
Too little water, too many people trying to go too far.
I think everyone is kind of agreed that we are fucked, basically.
What are we going to do? If the group feel they can't make it back to camp, their only option is to send out an SOS to my safety team.
KAREN GROANS ASTON: 'I'm on my last legs here, 'seeing people around me really dehydrated, like Thom.
'To see a big dude like that' Wow, this is This is not good.
I feel really dizzy.
I think we might actually end up having to press the SOS button and ask for help, because it's just madness right now.
We have no water and we cannot get back.
It's not that we don't want to, we physically can't or we will pass out.
We can't do it.
Just make the call, man, fuck it.
ALARMS BEEP Hello?! What's that? Yo.
Whilst searching for their dream beach and a water source, a party of eight islanders ran out of fluids and sent an SOS to my safety team on a neighbouring island It's been a fucking disaster.
.
.
who've intercepted them on the island's west coast.
Huh? If you run out of water in a hot, dry climate, the situation can quickly become life-threatening.
It's page-one stuff.
You've got to prepare properly and understand your limitations, otherwise you come unstuck.
And you've got water in your bag? My safety team top up the group's water supply before leaving the island.
The celebrities now start to make their way back to camp.
"Do the fucking Island, Karen.
It'll be a fucking good challenge.
" Oh, my God.
Hi, guys! Eight hours after setting out, the explorers finally return, shattered by the day's failed mission.
We're so pleased to see you.
ASTON: That is definitely the worst day of my life.
Really? Nothing comes close.
Had a nice day out, have you? How's your day been? Good.
You've been walking eight hours, basically.
In the heat.
And we only had one stop.
I hate to say it - no beach? No.
Nothing? No sign of anything? There's nothing that side.
Guys, it sounds like hell.
We've only been here just over 24 hours.
I know.
That's what's so terrifying.
I know.
I ain't going to like this.
It's breaking me a little bit.
It's ridiculous.
I just want to go home.
The group are facing their second night on the island with no fire, no food and no water source.
I'd holiday in Guantanamo compared to this.
LAUGHTER I really would.
They get fed, they get taken for a walk in orange jumpsuits - what the fuck are they grumbling about? Well, actually, I am going to Guantanamo for my next book, and I'll be shouting, "It's a fucking holiday resort!" over the fence.
If you got all the jihadis and chucked them on this island, I swear, revolutionary Islam would stop in its tracks.
Good morning.
ALL: Good morning.
Good morning, Mr President.
Good morning, Mr President.
Thank you very much.
At first light, leader Dom gathers a group for a debrief.
Yesterday was a nightmare, frankly, wasn't it? I know you all feel disappointed that you didn't find a beach, but I think no-one needs to be despondent about it at all, and no-one on our side of the camp was thinking, "Fucking idiots," or anything.
I think this is a steep learning curve, and I think our steep learning curve has cost us 24 hours.
And that doesn't mean I have got any different, better answers, I'm just saying, in reality, we've lost 24 hours.
Somehow we need to make that 24 hours back.
HE CRIES Sorry It's like I really fucking pushed myself yesterday.
Oh, my God, so much.
As we all did.
But Mark turns around, "We just wasted 24 hours.
" Just that annoyed me and You kept everyone going.
Don't, for once, think that you've failed because of We've never thought that at all.
How in God's name are we supposed to know where to go on this island? If we did, we'd have a sat nav and, you know, we'd be a lot better off.
'All that I tried to do yesterday' is basically try and prove that I'm not a complete idiot, that I'm actually quite good at stuff and not this kind of stupid, pink-wearing guy that a lot of people think I am.
I just wanted us to get to that beach and find the water source.
For now, the islanders are giving up on finding their dream beach I'm so thirsty.
It's insane.
.
.
so they can sink all their energies into finding a fresh water source and making fire to purify it.
Good luck, guys.
'It's getting scary now because' very soon we're going to have our last few drops of water, and then what? After yesterday's disastrous expedition, they keep the search for water closer to home.
That's very salty.
Think of the crocodiles that have dumped in here or something.
HE GROANS Fucking salt as well! HE SPLUTTERS Disgusting! It's mid-afternoon and the temperature has soared into the high 30s.
The morning's efforts have come to nothing.
Are you fucking kidding me? And the group are forced to strictly ration their last dregs of drinking water.
ASTON: My fucking throat is cutting up.
Singer Aston is concerned that dehydration might be affecting his voice.
Ahh I've no idea.
Have you had your tonsils removed? No.
There's no way I am risking my livelihood for fucking this shit.
ASTON SPITS If somebody gave me a bag of, like, brand-new make-up right now, I would say, "No, thank you, I'd rather have a bottle of water.
" That is how much my priorities have changed.
I don't think that I'm probably, like, a natural survivor.
But I will throw everything that I've got into it.
Hey, you look amazing.
I feel like Beyonce.
'I think part of that is from the fact that 'I've come from a very big family.
' 'All of us are very competitive and we are all very driven.
' Put it there, sister.
'I think people may be' shocked at how good I'm going to do.
LAUGHING: I'm saying this now See, that tastes fresh to me.
I think it is fresh.
I think that is our fresh water source.
There's water! Water! A water source? What? Wow! Things are looking up.
The pressure is now on to light the fire so they can purify it.
WATER GURGLES Oh, God, that sound.
Karen and Dom collect their first batch of new water.
It's incredible.
It's like desert happiness, isn't it? Don't Shall we do it now? Yes, go.
We've got an ember, ember.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I feel like I'm going to cry.
Can you smell fire, or am I just hallucinating? You're totally hallucinating.
Blow, Ollie.
Blow, blow, blow.
Oh, my God, so close.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Guys, we've got a fire! CHEERING We got fire! Holy fuck-aroni! Who did that?! Dawn and Thom.
Bend over, sir, I'm going to give you the highest privilege the President of Pissflappia can.
Oh, my God.
That's insane.
IN TUNE TO NAH NAH HEY HEY: # Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa # Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Hey, hey, hey We got fire! Embarrassing English singing moment.
Sorry, sorry, everyone.
We have fire! It's just amazing.
Looks like Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs in camp.
It's incredible, the morale now.
HE CHANTS HAKA 'The last 48 hours, Aston's just been a shell.
'And that' was the tiniest glimmer I've seen of old Aston coming back.
THEY IMITATE HAKA Oh, thank you, darling.
Gosh, who would have ever thought a few flames could make such a difference to morale? It's boiling, it's boiling, it's boiling.
CHEERING This is exciting.
Our first island water.
After three days of failure, the group are hoping their new water source will secure their future on the island.
It smells like your tropical fish tank has overheated.
It's not pleasant.
OK, guys KAREN: Yeah, go for it.
That's salty! It tastes like the juice of, like, a packet of prawns.
That's fine.
What do you think, Aston? HE SPITS Do you think it's salty? Oh.
Aston's spat it out.
That says it all.
To me, it tastes salty, but but I'm I don't know.
If water tastes salty, it is madness to drink it.
Your body may be tricked into feeling less thirsty, but the salt is actually dehydrating you.
Drinking it could cause severe sickness and diarrhoea.
OK, guys, who thinks this water is salty? Me Mel and Aston.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Fuck, that's half.
But despite their uncertainty, desperation drives some of the group to quench their thirst on the suspect water.
Oh, my God, I feel sick now.
What, from that water? Mm.
Oh, heck, don't say that.
DOM BELCHES Good morning.
What so fucking good about it? I don't know, feel sick.
Last night, some of the islanders drank contaminated water and it's made them unwell.
I've had a bit of sick.
Now my stomach feels really dodgy.
Fuck this.
It's going.
This moment in time, apart from fire Yeah.
.
.
we haven't actually achieved anything.
They just feels wrong but that was the water of death.
We're doomed, really, aren't we? Four days in with barely anything to eat and no drinking water left in camp, the group are in dire straits.
Pop star Aston has had enough.
I didn't expect it to be this hard.
I came into this very naive in a way to say, like, not that it's going to be a walk in the park because it's TV, but, "Yes, it's kind of going to be a walk in the park because it's TV.
" It is pretty hard-core.
Oh, no, it's fully hard-core.
And I'm not enjoying this.
So why not just go and do what it is I'm good at.
Aston has worked himself into a real downer.
He's really struggling.
I'm terrified he's going to leave.
So my main thing today is to make sure I get water.
Guys, we need to have a little meeting.
Cos we need to make some quite serious decisions.
Dom agrees that Ollie should lead a new search for water with Lydia and cameraman Ali.
Coconuts in there.
Oh, my, God.
Hallelujah.
Ready to go.
Having found nothing to the west on their last expedition, their plan is to explore the coast to the east of the camp.
Right, toodle-pip, everybody.
Bye, guys.
Bye, guys.
This time, leader Dom insists on a strict time limit.
Ollie.
Yeah.
An hour max then you turn back.
Fine.
Seriously.
And mark the trail.
I'm quite surprised to find myself sending out, as president, representatives of Made In Chelsea and The Only Way Is Essex as our last hopes in life.
The success of Ollie's expedition is critical.
Unless they find a sustainable water source, the group won't survive another day on the island.
The thing about dehydration is that it can creep up on you very, very fast.
You're going to feel nauseous, you're going to feel weak, you're lethargic and just a small percentage drop in your body fluids results in a massive drop in, actually, your performance levels.
Fuck.
Fuck it.
I feel so thirsty and tired and lethargic.
I honestly don't know where I am.
I've lost all my bearings.
I'm so delirious.
I feel like a walking corpse.
An hour into their search, there's no sign of a water source.
And they've already reached their time limit.
We have to find it.
There is no way.
I don't give a fuck if it takes us two hours.
We're not turning around.
We can't think like that, Ollie.
Why? Because we'll run out of energy.
This is what we did last time, remember? Even if we're an hour late, I don't give a fuck.
Let's crack on.
I just hate failing.
They are late.
Officially, now.
That really worries me.
Well So what do we do? That's really I don't know what we do now.
You know what worries me? I know how we're all feeling here.
We're so exhausted, we're dehydrated.
But we're actually sat still.
They're out there in the hottest part of the day in unknown territory.
Fuck sake.
I am now trapped in a bush.
Dehydrated and disorientated, Ollie's party are no longer heading east as planned, but have veered north into the island's dense interior.
Aargh! This is ridiculous.
Oh, my God.
Come on, mate.
We can do it.
No, I don't think there's any more to do.
I really, really don't.
I think this is it.
We can't stay here.
No, we have to go back.
No, we have to go forward.
Yeah.
The idea of that is great but, look.
I know, I know.
It's never-ending.
It's just the sun, we're in fucking midday heat.
I'm so thirsty.
I know.
It's getting a bit serious here actually.
We're here with no water and they're there, they must be out of supplies.
This is proper real.
Quite frightening.
This is a dead end.
I can't do this.
No.
Actually quite petrifying now.
How about we just get on the radio? Shall we? Lost, exhausted and scared Ali to Charlie.
Ali to Charlie.
.
.
the group make an emergency call to my safety team on a neighbouring island.
Say we're fucking dead.
Fucked.
Say that to him.
We're getting so burnt out.
All three of us are pretty strong people and we are losing our will now.
And we are really, really getting towards the shit.
Over.
We have fuck all water.
We have nothing.
RADIO: It appears that you are heading a little too far north.
You need to head directly south.
Over.
Is there any chance that you might be able to meet us because we we are so, so fucked.
Please, just, you've got lives here.
And we've been out here for hours and hours.
Over.
They're going to have to meet us when we get to the end.
Cos we can't move back.
We'll end up passing out.
Fuck.
My safety team direct Ollie's search party towards the coast where they can intercept them.
Are they coming in? TOGETHER: Hello! 40 minutes after the radio call, my team locate the group in a small cove.
HE WHIMPERS I'm so I'm so Go on, get your head up, Ali, you're all right.
I'm so fucking week.
This brutal climate really can be a killer.
If you over-exert yourself in searing heat, with no water, then you're on borrowed time.
Dehydration could quickly progress to heatstroke which in itself is a life-threatening condition.
The main thing is we found you, you're all safe.
Ali, get some water down your neck, you need to be drinking more, mate, come on.
The exhausted celebrities now face a tough decision.
We can't just keep bringing bottled water out.
You need to get to that water source.
We have no idea what we're going to do.
Mark, what do you think is going to happen next? In all seriousness? They just find 14 skeletons at some stage.
Put back on track by the safety team, Ollie's party has made the brave decision to continue with their search for water.
There's still hope for the Paradise beach.
There's still hope.
I'm not going to give up on this beach.
I'm really not.
Oh, my God.
What? Are you joking? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Don't get excited.
It might be salt.
It's fresh water.
That is fresh water.
What? That's fresh water.
No, it is not.
That is fresh water.
100%, that is freshwater.
Are you joking? Oh, my God.
I found water.
It tastes so fresh.
Yes.
We did it, we done it.
Yay! Woo! In the wild, if you've had the strength to fight on, despite failure after failure, then that taste of success, when you finally reach it, is the sweetest thing in the world.
There's a beach.
Oh, my God.
There's a beach.
Oh, my God.
We did it! Oh, my gosh.
Yeah! We did it.
I can't believe we did it.
This place is huge.
We got a choice.
We got that one, that one.
There's one over there as well.
Well, maybe that beach is purely for pooing.
I don't even think Mariah has a pooing beach.
I'm sure Mariah's got a pooing beach.
I bet she does.
Ollie's group may have taken the scenic route but their new beach is just 1km east of base camp and now they know the way, it's less than an hour's walk back.
WHISTLING Whistles.
Hello.
Hello.
They're back.
I'm quite pleased they're not dead, cos that would've been my presidency over.
We found water and we found the beach.
What? We know how to get there.
What? We know how to get there.
It just took us forever.
There's a water source there? One million per cent.
Like, literally, we stuck our tongue in and it was so fresh.
Come on! Come here, buddy.
Chelsea and Essex bringing it home.
Woohoo! Although my safety team had to intervene, the search party's courage actually paid off.
But from here on in, the islanders have to learn to cope on their own.
Honestly, I can't tell you how important that was to get to that beach which I knew from day one we needed to get to.
I was so pleased.
But even more when we came back.
Everyone's happy.
But despite the promise of better times ahead .
.
not everyone's in the mood to celebrate.
Papa to Bravo, Papa to Bravo.
RADIO: This is Bravo.
Over.
Just wanted to make you guys aware that I think it's time that I leave the island and come home.
Over.
Next time We're completely starved.
We haven't eaten in days.
Tom is really struggling.
He's so drained.
Literally, can't move.
El Presidente siesta time.
I would rather be led by somebody from the front, a fighter.
Is this a coup? It's so much more brutal than we thought.
SHE SCREAMS One in two of us will get cancer in our lifetime.
Help us to change these odds.
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