Celebrity Squares (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm Warwick Davis and welcome to a new series of Celebrity Squares, the show with more famous faces than the dustbin behind Madame Tussauds.
Let's meet them! He's doing the joke-a-motion.
It's Tim Vine! Weatherfield beauty, Corrie's Catherine Tyldesley.
Funny-looking funny man, it's Joe Wilkinson.
Singer and Loose Woman, Jamelia.
He's the original M and M, Mick Miller.
From Good Morning Britain, it's Charlotte Hawkins.
She's a fantastic comedian, brilliant actor, and writer of her own intro's, it's Sara Pascoe.
The star of Plebs and Friday Night Dinner, Tom Rosenthal.
In the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board, it's James Corden.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wow, there we are! What a great-looking bunch.
Hello, Squares! ALL: Hello, Warwick! James! Welcome, sir.
Thank you for having me.
Lovely to have you.
It's a pleasure.
You've been working with Johnny Depp, my old mate, Johnny.
Yes.
What have you been up to? I just did a film called Into The Woods, which is out at Christmas, which he is in, yes.
Did he mention me at all? He didn't actually, no.
(LAUGHTER) I lost touch with him actually.
Really? I've been sending emails and stuff and calling and I get nothing.
Well, me too.
Can I check we've got the same number for him? Where's the Deppster? Here he is erm 0, nine, eight, seven BOTH: Six, five, four, three, two, one.
Yeah.
I've got the same.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you very much, excellent.
James Corden! (APPLAUSE) Let's meet tonight's contestants.
Representing the Naughts we have Raj.
Tell our Squares about yourself.
Hello, Squares.
ALL: Hello, Raj! I'm Raj, 27, an Easter Production Planner from Birmingham.
WARWICK: Welcome.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Raj, welcome to the show.
You're an Easter Production Planner.
What's that all about? So, all the lovely eggs you eat for Easter, we make sure they are made and ready for you to buy.
Wow, how many eggs are you producing? Not you literally, I mean (LAUGHTER) I mean How many eggs does the company you work for, produce? Little eggs, we can do six million a week.
Big eggs, a million a week.
WARWICK: Wow! Can I come to work with you one day? Yes! You can.
And just hang out? We'll hang out with the eggs.
You know, see it all going down.
The buttons, whatever you wanna see.
It's becoming a rap! I don't know that happened! (LAUGHTER) Yeah, man! We're flipping on the mini eggs! (LAUGHTER) C-c-c-c-cream egg (LAUGHTER) OK, that's a deal.
I'm coming.
It sounds like the best place to work in the world.
We'll make this happen.
Shut the front door! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) With all due respect, Steve, I don't want you to win tonight.
(LAUGHTER) Get to Steve.
Let's see what he's got! (LAUGHTER) Lovely to meet you.
Raj, everyone! Thank you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see who you're facing tonight.
Representing the Crosses, we have Steve.
Hi, Squares.
ALL: Hi, Steve! My name's Steve.
I'm 56.
I'm a senior prison officer from Kent.
(LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING) Outside of work, you dabble in politics? Yeah, I've stood for election for 20 years and always lost.
What's the most votes you've had? I got about 250 one year.
The winner usually gets about 1.
000.
Oh.
So, not bad.
Not great obviously.
No.
Let's hope you get some X's in the squares tonight! Good luck.
Our contestants, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here's how it works.
It's a simple game of noughts and crosses.
To win, our contestants need three squares in a row, either up and down, like this, across like that, or diagonally, like this.
I'll ask our celebrities General Knowledge questions.
Our contestants need to work out if they've answered correctly.
If they make the right decision, they take that square.
If not, the square goes to their opponent.
For each square our contestants take, they'll win ?50.
Win a game and there's a bonus of ?500 up for grabs.
That's the rules done.
Let's start with game one! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Steve, you won the coin toss backstage, so you get to go first.
I'd like to go with James Corden, please.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) James, play dough was originally invented to be what? Acure for baldness.
(LAUGHTER) It doesn't work! Absolutely true, you, you eat it, and then you push your head down and it sprouts out the top.
WARWICK: That is your answer? It's the truth, Steve.
(LAUGHTER) Do you agree or disagree with that? I disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Play dough was originally invented as a way to clean up wallpaper, and not as most kids think, as a way to ruin your carpet! Raj, your turn.
OK, I would like to go for Joe Wilkinson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Joe, here's your question, true or false? There are estimated to be over 50 million Scouts in the world.
(GROANS) Erm (SIGHS) You might have caught me off guard here.
(LAUGHTER) I did not know there was going to be questions.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I kind of thought I was just eye candy, if I'm honest.
(LAUGHTER) There are estimated to be over 50 million Scouts in the world.
True or false, Joe? I don't know! Er, there's loads, there's loads, so yes.
Honestly there's There's more than you think.
(LAUGHTER) We're everywhere! Er, I'm saying it's true, yeah.
What do you think about that, Raj? I agree with you.
You are wrong to agree I'm afraid! Cross gets the square.
Oh, man! There are actually an estimated 28 million Scouts worldwide.
Steve, where would you like to go? With Sara Pascoe for the win.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to win! Sara, what would be happening to your body if you had cutis anserina? Erm, I would be having goose bumps.
Ah, would you like to agree or disagree? I will disagree.
You're wrong.
They are goose bumps, so Naught gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) I did my best, Steve.
People often get goose bumps from being cold or excited, or just from seeing Joe Wilkinson.
(LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
Could I go with Charlotte Hawkins? (APPLAUSE) There she is Charlotte Hawkins, the lovely Charlotte.
You're one of the presenters on Good Morning Britain, which is fantastic.
Thinking about how early that show's on, you must have to get up pretty early to be in for work.
My alarm goes off at 2.
40 in the morning Oh, God! I know! How are you finding it being up this late? Yeah, I have to say this is quite a late night for me, so if I do go quiet and my head starts to drift towards here, then somebody might need to give me a nudge! OK, here's your question.
What is wrapped around oysters in the dish 'Angels on horseback'? Well, I love oysters, so as far as I'm concerned you can wrap anything around them and I will definitely eat them.
We had a name for girls like that at my school! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) OK, maybe not quite anything! I happen to know that this is bacon.
Charlotte thinks bacon is wrapped around oysters.
Do you agree or disagree? I disagree.
You are wrong.
The answer IS bacon! Cross gets the square.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac, which is why for the safety of our squares, we are keeping them away from Mick.
(LAUGHTER) Steve, your turn.
I'd like to go with Catherine Tyldesley for the win.
(APPLAUSE) Catherine, welcome.
Thank you, Warwick.
You are in Coronation Street.
You play Eva.
Yes.
Now, how would you describe her character? Erm, she's very feisty and gobby and mischievous.
Erm, likes a bit of fake tan, a trowel of make-up.
Is your character anything like you? I hope not! (LAUGHS) Right, here we go, here's your question.
Where on your body would you find your uvula? (EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS) I don't know, but I don't think he's found it yet! (LAUGHTER) I am pretty sure on this.
When my friend was training to be a doctor, I helped her revise, and I think it's inside your ear, it protects the eardrum, I think.
So, it's in your ear? Yes.
I will agree.
You're wrong to agree! I'm afraid it's in your throat.
Naught gets the square.
It's the little dangly bit.
The name 'uvula' is from the medieval Latin.
It means 'little grape' and also the noise you make when someone kicks you in the little grapes.
(LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
Can I go with Tom Rosenthal, please? You can indeed.
Hello.
(APPLAUSE) Tom Rosenthal, you are at the top.
Hello.
Your dad Jim is, of course, a sports presenter.
Have you ever been tempted to follow him into that? Erm, no, no er My dad's got an amazing, authoritative sort of voice.
I've not got the voice of a sports commentator.
I've got the voice of a very intelligent sheep.
(IMITATES SHEEP) It's horrible.
I'm so sorry.
I'll sound like it the whole show.
I apologise to anyone listening! Tom, here's your question.
In what industry would you have found the job title 'Stripper, teaser and filler'? (LAUGHTER) Er is it? Are they the original names for the Spice Girls? (LAUGHTER) Stripper, teaser Is it decoration or paint stripping? You're looking for an industry where you would find these job titles.
Decorating.
I mean, is that an industry? The decorating industry, OK.
Why are you saying it's not an industry? I didn't say it wasn't.
I said You were saying with tone of voice decoration was not! Are you going with decorating? I'm going with decorating, yeah.
Go on, Raj.
Good luck.
Do you agree or disagree? I disagree, sorry.
Me too, to be fair.
You're right to disagree.
Naught gets the square.
It was in fact the textile industry, and 'Stripper, teaser and filler' are also three of the characters from my saucy version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Steve, your turn.
I'll go with Tim Vine for the block.
TIM: Come on! Strategic play now.
(APPLAUSE) Tim, you're a comedian.
Cheers.
(LAUGHTER) Can I say, Steve, you say you work in a prison.
It's a great thing.
I visited a prison once and a bloke said to me, "Watch out for one-eyed Rick.
" I said, "Is he violent?" He said, "No, he keeps bumping into people.
" (LAUGHTER) I'm ready for the question.
(LAUGHTER) Tim.
Yes.
There are 30 places in the world called Correct, false, true! (LAUGHTER) There are 30 places in the world There are There are 30 places in the world called Birmingham, but where would you find the Birmingham crater? You did the right thing picking me.
This is something I know about, any questions about the world.
In fact, a bloke said to me, "I'm going to dress up as an island off the coast of Italy.
" "I said don't be Sicily!" (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) But, I think er, I think Birmingham What did you say? Where would you find the Birmingham crater? There is a place on the moon called Birmingham.
I know this for a fact.
The moon, Steve, the moon.
STEVE: The moon.
I will agree.
You are right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) It is indeed on the moon.
The Birmingham crater is grey, desolate and uninhabitable, a statement also true if you remove the word 'crater'.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIM) No, we're not having that, not having that! I'm from Birmingham as well.
I'm sorry, Jamelia, I'm sorry.
It's a lovely place It is! .
.
to drive past.
(LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
I will go with Mick Miller for the block.
Mick, here we go.
(APPLAUSE) Mick, you all right? You don't look happy.
Well, I'm having a bad hair day for a start! (LAUGHTER) I've been ripped off in these London restaurants.
I couldn't believe the prices.
The cheapest thing, main course, ?20.
So, I had this boneless chicken, which was a fried egg.
(LAUGHTER) I'm all right now.
(APPLAUSE) Right, here's your question.
According to a recent cotton USA survey, what do one in four Britons not own? This is erm, men don't have them, what we're talking about.
It's erm, it's pyjamas, you know, because no-one wears pyjamas unless you're going into hospital.
So it's pyjamas, cotton.
One in four Britons don't own one.
OK.
Idisagree.
You're wrong to disagree! AUDIENCE: Ohh! That square is back in play because you have to take the deciding square.
The answer was nightwear.
But, aren't pyjamas nightwear? She disagreed with you, though! All right then.
You were right, Mick! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Do you wear pyjamas, Mick? No.
Oh, wish I hadn't asked.
(LAUGHTER) Steve, where would you like to go? I'll go with Mick Miller for the win, please.
The pressure's on Mick.
Oh! (APPLAUSE) Mick, what is the name of the bi-monthly magazine for metropolitan police officers and staff? Is it 'allo, allo, allo' magazine? (LAUGHTER) Actually, Steve, it's called The Job.
Do you agree or disagree with that? I think I disagree.
You're wrong to disagree! It is The Job! Naught gets the square.
They don't post the magazine through your letterbox, they simply kick your door down and wait for back up.
Raj, your turn.
I'm going with Jamelia.
'Course you are.
If you take this square, you win the game.
You'll have five squares and your opponent can't complete a line.
OK.
Right, Jamelia.
You are a very young new member of the Loose Women team.
Yes.
Now, on there they have a co-host.
I suppose being so young, you're more of a carer, are you? (LAUGHTER) Don't be horrible.
It's like ITV's equivalent of Derek, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) How are you keeping up with their drinking? No, they're all lovely, really, lovely people.
I thought Are they just? No, they're! No! (LAUGHS) Yeah, they really do look after me.
I've never seen any of them drinking so I'm just saying I'm putting it out there because I don't wanna get in trouble.
Right, Jamelia, this is the deciding square.
Here's your question, where does a funambulist like to walk? I know the answer to this question.
OK.
A funambulist is a tight rope walker.
Don't ask me why I know this, but I'm telling you, I know it.
You wouldn't lie to me, would you? No, no, no, of course not! It's not about lying.
It's about whether she knows the answer or not! (LAUGHTER) I agree.
You're right to agree! Naught gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of ?500! (APPLAUSE) Let's see your totals so far.
After that first game, Raj has ?600 and Steve has ?100.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in part two when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win a mystery prize.
I know! Be there and be square.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (THEME MUSIC) (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show that seeks out the brightest brains celebrity land has to offer, then quickly lowers its standards.
(LAUGHTER) Squares, how are you doing? ALL: Fine.
Very well.
We love it.
How's it going, Joe? Good.
You excited about tonight's show? (LAUGHTER) Yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) I am quite excited because I'm in the middle of a word search, and erm, I just found lavender.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, and I've taken up knitting, so I've been doing a bit of that through the show.
(LAUGHTER) What are you gonna knit there, Joe? Shoes! (LAUGHTER) How much have you knitted so far? Erm, I've done the laces.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) It's time for game two! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Which works just like game one, except hidden out there is a mystery square.
If a contestant takes the mystery square, they'll win a prize related to that celebrity.
It's now time to release the squares! For you at home, here's who it is Steve, you're playing catch up, so you get to go first.
I'll go with Catherine Tyldesley.
Here we go, Catherine.
Scientists have found that men do what seven percent slower when they're with their girlfriend or wife? (LAUGHTER) Round our house, I'd say it's the cleaning and taking the bins out.
Erm, maybe talking because I think they would have to think more about what could possibly get them into trouble.
There might be a bit of a delay.
I'm gonna go with talking.
I think I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square.
The answer is walking.
My wife walks more quickly when she's with me.
She'll do anything to make it look like we're not together.
Raj, your turn.
I'd like to go with James Corden, please.
JAMES: Damn straight! (LAUGHTER) James, bra bar, fish dive and attitude, are all terms used in which activity? Modelling.
Yeah, modelling.
It's a subject I obviously know a lot about erm (LAUGHTER) Yeah, I model a lot erm You can model chocolate bars, model my eggs.
Right OK (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Let's not run before we can walk, Raj, but I like where this is going erm No, they're all modelling terms, so like the fish dive, that's route one first day of modelling school.
What's that look like? You pout your lips like a fish.
So like here, and then the erm The dive aspect (LAUGHTER) The dive (LAUGHS) The dive aspect is in fact Where's the camera? Like that one there.
You go like this, you pout, and then you go (LAUGHTER) That's the dive.
(APPLAUSE) Attitude fairly straightforward, basic, suck in the cheek bones, lower the chin .
.
kill with the eyes.
(LAUGHTER) So, the idea is that you're fierce, fierce, fierce, then you're vulnerable.
Erm, and bra bar is obviously, that's the female aspect which I don't know much about So, James thinks modelling.
I disagree.
What!? I'm sorry.
(LAUGHS) You're right to disagree.
Naught gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) They are, in fact, terms used in ballet.
Steve, your turn.
I'll go with Tim Vine, please.
Right, Steve.
Do you mind if I put this hat on, make myself look more intelligent? (LAUGHTER) In research, Tim, from 2014, which foreign language do the majority of Brits think is the most useful to learn? (LAUGHTER) (MUTTERS) (LAUGHTER) Well, I'm You've chosen the right person here, Steve.
Sorry, I've just forgotten the question.
(LAUGHTER) Which foreign language do the majority of Brits think is the most useful to learn? In summary, Steve, the answer I have for you is Spanish.
Do you speak any languages? Erm, my wife says I'm bilingual.
She says I speak English and nonsense.
(LAUGHTER) I think I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree so Cross gets that square.
The answer was Chinese.
Raj, your turn.
I'll go with Joe Wilkinson for the block.
(LAUGHTER) Derbyshire hosts the annual world championship for what type of wrestling? Wrestling? Wrestling.
No-one believes me when I tell them, but I wrestled a bear once (LAUGHTER) .
.
and I won! Erm, it was a koala bear.
Sort of got him in a headlock until he blacked out erm (LAUGHTER) I know this, it's thumb wrestling.
You know that er That's your thumb, ain't it? Yes! What do you think of that? I've never let you down, have I? Er, yeah you have.
Oh, yes I have, yes.
So, I'm gonna disagree with you.
You're right to disagree, so Naught gets the square.
It's toe wrestling.
In toe wrestling you can either win by pinning the other person's toe or by making it go wee, wee, wee, all the way home.
Steve, your turn.
I'll go with Sara Pascoe for the block, please.
Sara, Simon Cowell is allergic to the product of which animal? Product of an animal, so different animals make different things, so for instance, cows make milk with their boobies, and sheep make wool with their skin, and chickens make eggs with their who-whos and erm But, he has an exotic life.
He's a very rich man.
He might have met exotic animals and tried something like orang-utan ear wax or lizard bogeys.
Or some animals can sing, can't they, like whales? Maybe one of those went on Britain's Got Talent.
So, they are all my answers.
We need to sort of narrow it down a little bit, Sara.
Cow.
Cow? Yep.
I'm going to agree.
You are wrong to agree I'm afraid, so that square is back in open play.
The answer is sheep or lamb.
Simon is so allergic to sheep he has to have his jumpers knitted out of his own chest hair.
Raj, your turn.
I'd like to go with Sara Pascoe for the win.
Of course you would.
Sara, here's another question.
OK.
According to a recent UGOV survey, which of the seven deadly sins do people think is the worst? Was it nosiness? Nosiness? I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Naught gets the square, wins the game and a bonus of ?500! The answer was greed.
But, neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you'd chosen Tom, you'd have been playing for a mystery prize.
Tom, would you like to reveal the prize? Seems to be loads of takeaway menus.
(LAUGHTER) We know Tom from Friday Night Dinner, well you could have had dinner sorted for Friday night or any other night with free takeaways for a year, thanks to Just Eat.
What happens to the delivery thing now, Warwick? Yeah, no, I was wondering that.
Because presumably they're not here, we can just say "Yeah no, someone won.
" Yeah.
We can all split it and by the time They'll only find out when this airs, which gives us a good run of like six weeks.
(LAUGHTER) Could we order it now for everyone? (CHEERING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I think it'd give it away delivering to a hundred different addresses! (LAUGHTER) Let's look at the totals so far, Raj, you've got ?1,250 and, Steve, you've got ?200.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's time for game three (APPLAUSE) .
.
which we've called Square Essentials.
The Squares will read statements about themselves.
Our contestants will agree if they think they are telling the truth, and disagree if they think they're telling a porky.
Steve, you're playing catch up so you get to choose first.
James Corden, please.
Let's hear your square essential.
As a child, I learnt the alphabet in reverse order.
Agree or disagree? I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree so Naught gets the square.
I still don't know it.
(LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
I would like to go with Jamelia.
Let's hear your square essential, my lovely.
I often watch children's TV on my own, like cartoons and stuff.
I disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, so Cross gets the square.
Erm, why do you do that? It reminds you of a time when I didn't have any kids.
I didn't have responsibilities, didn't have a mortgage.
It was lovely so I like that feeling.
Kids' TV reminds you of when you didn't have kids? Yeah because I mean, without responsibilities.
Do you sit them in front of a box set of 24? (LAUGHTER) Say, "Here, you go! You gonna put Goodfellas on?" "Thank God, they're asleep.
Let's get Teletubbies on!" (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Do you what I'm finding really strange? Every time James talks, I look up and I'm seeing you from an angle I'm guessing not many people see you from.
(LAUGHTER) I'll be honest, I'm seeing you from an angle! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) It's not It's not It's not easy.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, no! (LAUGHS) I dread to think what Tom's seeing! (LAUGHTER) He's got the additional height! Your milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard today.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Steve.
Your turn, sir.
I'll go with Mick Miller, please.
I used to have a nickname.
They used to call me 'Dracula'.
(LAUGHTER) I think I'll agree.
You were right to agree! Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Mick, why did you get that nickname, was it about garlic? I was a professional footballer many years ago and I was a goalkeeper, and I didn't like crosses.
(LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
I'd like to go with Joe Wilkinson for the block.
It's a lot of effort.
I can swallow a satsuma whole.
Wow.
Thank you.
I agree.
You're right to agree! Naught gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Wow, that may look like a beard there, but it's the very early sprouts of an orange grove.
(LAUGHTER) Also, don't try that at home.
This man is an idiot.
Steve, your turn.
I'll go with Sara Pascoe for the block, please.
Erm, as a child I used to fancy Aladdin.
(LAUGHTER) He's fit.
I think I'll disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
That square is back in open play.
You are wrong Steve, he's hot as and erm Obviously, I was very young at the time.
I feel stupid because I was never going to end up with Aladdin because he's with Princess Jasmine.
So, your turn, Raj.
Could I go with Sara Pascoe for the win? I am allergic to sugar.
(LAUGHTER) That just doesn't sound like a good time to me, so I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Naught gets the square, wins that game and a bonus of ?500.
Well done.
Although she could be, she's sweet enough.
Oh, thanks, Warwick.
You're nice as well.
(LAUGHTER) Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Raj has ?1.
850.
Steve, you're on ?250.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in part three when there's more cash up for grabs, and somebody could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (THEME MUSIC) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show with a Rubik's cube of famous faces.
Charlotte, sitting over there, how have you been? Good.
I'm enjoying myself this evening.
How does this compare to being on the panel of Good Morning Britain? Obviously just as intellectual.
Erm I'm very similar to Susanna Reid.
It's striking sitting next to him.
I get it all the time.
Think James would be good on Good Morning Britain? I'm sure we could certainly find some sort of role for him, yeah.
SARA: A bacon roll.
JAMES AND CHARLOTTE: A bacon roll! Good work! You're bang on.
You're bang on.
Right, it's time for game four (APPLAUSE) .
.
which we call Square Miles.
Hidden out there, we have another mystery square.
If a contestant finds it, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination! Thanks to our friends at British Airways Holidays you could be taking a gondola ride up to St Mark's Square in Venice, with a two-night stay at the Hilton Stucky Hotel.
(APPLAUSE) It's a lovely place.
Right.
Now it's time to release the squares! For you at home, here is the mystery square.
Steve, you're playing catch up so you get to go first.
I'd like to go with James Corden, please.
James Corden.
What does the Olympic motto 'Citius, Altius, Fortius' mean? Oh, I know this! Oh Har Faster, higher, stronger? Yeah, I think so.
OK.
Do you agree or disagree? I'll disagree.
You're wrong to disagree! Naught gets the square.
Steve, man, come on! It's faster, higher, stronger.
I'll take two of those! (LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
Can I please go with Jamelia? Yay! True or false, there are more living organisms living on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth? There's like over seven billion people in the world, yeah? There's a lot, yeah.
On earth.
Living organisms are little animals, is that what we're saying? They're living organisms.
So, I don't wanna know that I've got living things, ugh, like seven billion! No, that's too much, so I'm going with false.
So, do you agree or disagree with that? Iagree.
You're wrong to agree to agree so Cross gets the square.
Scientists estimate each human being carries around one hundred trillion living microbes on their body.
It would be less, but Joe's beard dragged up the average.
(LAUGHTER) Steve, your turn.
I'll go with Mick Miller, please.
Mick, if you had to do a 'nose drop' before using your 'tolly' what would you be doing? Erm I think this is aviation.
Aviation.
It would be landing a plane.
I will agree.
You're wrong to agree I'm afraid, so Naught gets the square.
No, it is playing marbles.
Raj, your turn.
I'd like to go with Tim Vine for the win.
OK, Tim, what item is most dumped into the ocean, according to the International Coastal Cleanup? You've done the right thing.
I know a bit about this! Do you know what, I was on the beach the other day.
You know sometimes you see two flags stuck in the sand and a sign nearby says you're only allowed to swim between these flags.
I always ignore that and I swim in the sea.
(LAUGHTER) Can't get any speed up on the sand at all.
But, I think I, in fact I'm sure I know this, it's plastic bottles.
The whole ocean is full of them, plastic bottles.
Do you agree or disagree? Disagree.
You're right to disagree! Naught gets the square, wins the game and a bonus of ?500.
(APPLAUSE) The answer is cigarettes, but neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you'd chosen Catherine, you'd have been playing for the holiday in Venice.
Let's look at your totals so far.
Raj, you have ?2.
400.
and Steve, you're on ?250.
(APPLAUSE) Now it's time for game five! The Double Square game.
We are doubling the money for every square won.
They're now worth ?100 each.
For winning a game, there is a bonus of ?1.
000.
(CHEERING) Steve, where would you like to go? James Corden, please.
OK, Steve, here we go.
James, if you say 'Macbeth' in the theatre, what ritual must you perform in order to lift the curse? You bury your understudy.
(LAUGHTER) You bury him for three days in sand.
I hope that's true, because if it's not, I owe someone a big apology.
(LAUGHTER) Erm no, I think you run outside of the theatre and you quote a piece of Shakespeare and you say it in a circle.
You go round and round in a circle and then run back in.
I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets that square.
The answer was walk three times in a circle anticlockwise, then say a rude word or spit.
So, if you're in a theatre and you say 'Macbeth', you'll be subjected to misery.
The same is also true if you're in the theatre and say, "Spice Girls musical? Yes, please!" Raj, your turn.
Can I go for Tim Vine? Tim, according to a leading pet insurer, what is the most popular name shared by both cats and dogs in the UK? Erm, actually my dog only understands two words, 'sit' and 'profitability', and it took me ages to teach him to sit.
For a long time he was running a small business standing up.
(LAUGHTER) I'm going to go for something rather obvious, but sometimes the obvious answer is right and you should go with this.
Spot.
Spot.
I am going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Naught gets the square.
Er, yeah.
In the UK, the most common name for cats and dogs is 'Poppy'.
Steve, your turn.
Sara Pascoe, please.
True or false, research has shown that women with red hair can withstand up to 25% more pain? Now that's false because it's blonde women who have to put up with more pain because we have all of the ear pain from everyone wolf whistling and shouting that they love us.
It's really difficult being blonde and I'm starting a charity.
If you give four pounds a month, that can buy a blonde woman a hat and she can go to the supermarket and be invisible like a brunette.
(LAUGHTER) So, it's false! I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree I'm afraid, so Naught gets the square.
Raj, your turn.
I'd like to go with Tom Rosenthal for the win.
Tom, for the win.
Here we go, Tom.
In 2013, what percentage of people in the UK aged between 20 and 34 still live with their parents? Was it 6% or 26%? Erm, I would, yeah, a lot of my generation have moved back home, because it's hard to get a job, it's hard to buy a house.
It's hard to do your own washing, so I would say yeah, 26.
I agree.
Yeah.
You're right to agree.
Yes, Raj! Naught gets the square, wins that game and a bonus of ?1.
000! (APPLAUSE) Well done, so let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final game.
Steve has won ?350, and Raj is on ?3.
600.
Congratulations, Raj! You're going through to our final game.
Thank you.
Unfortunately, Steve, we have to say goodbye to you and your lovely shirt.
Have you had fun? I had great fun.
Thank you for having me.
Great, you'll be taking home ?350.
Enjoy spending the money.
Steve, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in part four when Raj could walk away with that ?20.
000 jackpot! Don't you go anywhere! (APPLAUSE) (THEME MUSIC) (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares where Raj has made it through to our final game, Question Line.
Congratulations making it this far.
Thank you.
Are you excited? I'm very, very excited now.
Feeling a bit nervous, it's not like me.
You've done very well.
You've won quite a bit of cash so far and hopefully you're gonna win more.
Have you thought how you might spend it? Yes, I am a trained beautician so what I did want to do was buy an ice cream van, gut it out, put a mobile salon in the back, get the tune changed to 'Bootylicious', and ride around the streets of Birmingham and get some customers.
(APPLAUSE) Right, so erm, what sort of services would you offer on this fun bus? Massage Yes.
Nails, get your lashes done.
How lovely! We wish you the best of luck.
You've got people in the audience cheering you on.
Who are they? I've got my two friends from school, Rich and Gary, and Chris.
They're right behind you.
We wish you the best of luck.
It's now time for Question Line.
OK, here's your line of questioning.
(BEEPING) You have Tom Rosenthal, James Corden, and Jamelia.
Here are their subjects.
So, which category would you like? The Brit Awards.
You sound very sure of that.
Why did you go for that? Premier League, I'm not to clued up on, and I've got a job, so I don't watch Loose Women.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIM) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) You're going for The Brits? Yes.
You know a lot about music? I'd like to think I do, yeah.
All right, good luck, here we go.
James Corden presented the last four Brit Award shows.
I need you to name Brit Award winners from any of these four years.
If the award's been given to a group, I need the name of the group, and cannot accept names of individual members.
Now, you have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins you ?1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you take home that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Remember, you have to wait for me to say yes or no before you move on to your next answer.
You ready? Yep.
Your time starts now.
Rihanna? Yes.
Ellie Goulding? Yes.
Beyonce? No.
Jay-Z? Nope.
Arctic Monkeys? Yes.
Kylie Minogue? No.
Erm One Direction? Yes.
Erm Think of groups.
Calvin Harris? Nope.
Ahh, well done.
(APPLAUSE) There's quite a few on this list, some you didn't get.
Take That, Justin Bieber, Jessie J, Adele.
James, do you know any? JAMES: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Do you want to tell us? Nope.
Well er, you did very well.
You lit four squares, which gives you ?4.
000.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's add that to the money you've already won, to give you a grand total of ?7.
600! Well done.
Thank you.
Are you happy with that? I'm ecstatic, really, really happy.
We're thrilled for you, fantastic.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Raj, our celebrity squares.
Thank you, Squares! (CHEERING) And to you at home for watching! We'll see you next time.
Good night! (CHEERING) And here's who will be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.
Let's meet them! He's doing the joke-a-motion.
It's Tim Vine! Weatherfield beauty, Corrie's Catherine Tyldesley.
Funny-looking funny man, it's Joe Wilkinson.
Singer and Loose Woman, Jamelia.
He's the original M and M, Mick Miller.
From Good Morning Britain, it's Charlotte Hawkins.
She's a fantastic comedian, brilliant actor, and writer of her own intro's, it's Sara Pascoe.
The star of Plebs and Friday Night Dinner, Tom Rosenthal.
In the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board, it's James Corden.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wow, there we are! What a great-looking bunch.
Hello, Squares! ALL: Hello, Warwick! James! Welcome, sir.
Thank you for having me.
Lovely to have you.
It's a pleasure.
You've been working with Johnny Depp, my old mate, Johnny.
Yes.
What have you been up to? I just did a film called Into The Woods, which is out at Christmas, which he is in, yes.
Did he mention me at all? He didn't actually, no.
(LAUGHTER) I lost touch with him actually.
Really? I've been sending emails and stuff and calling and I get nothing.
Well, me too.
Can I check we've got the same number for him? Where's the Deppster? Here he is erm 0, nine, eight, seven BOTH: Six, five, four, three, two, one.
Yeah.
I've got the same.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you very much, excellent.
James Corden! (APPLAUSE) Let's meet tonight's contestants.
Representing the Naughts we have Raj.
Tell our Squares about yourself.
Hello, Squares.
ALL: Hello, Raj! I'm Raj, 27, an Easter Production Planner from Birmingham.
WARWICK: Welcome.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Raj, welcome to the show.
You're an Easter Production Planner.
What's that all about? So, all the lovely eggs you eat for Easter, we make sure they are made and ready for you to buy.
Wow, how many eggs are you producing? Not you literally, I mean (LAUGHTER) I mean How many eggs does the company you work for, produce? Little eggs, we can do six million a week.
Big eggs, a million a week.
WARWICK: Wow! Can I come to work with you one day? Yes! You can.
And just hang out? We'll hang out with the eggs.
You know, see it all going down.
The buttons, whatever you wanna see.
It's becoming a rap! I don't know that happened! (LAUGHTER) Yeah, man! We're flipping on the mini eggs! (LAUGHTER) C-c-c-c-cream egg (LAUGHTER) OK, that's a deal.
I'm coming.
It sounds like the best place to work in the world.
We'll make this happen.
Shut the front door! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) With all due respect, Steve, I don't want you to win tonight.
(LAUGHTER) Get to Steve.
Let's see what he's got! (LAUGHTER) Lovely to meet you.
Raj, everyone! Thank you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see who you're facing tonight.
Representing the Crosses, we have Steve.
Hi, Squares.
ALL: Hi, Steve! My name's Steve.
I'm 56.
I'm a senior prison officer from Kent.
(LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING) Outside of work, you dabble in politics? Yeah, I've stood for election for 20 years and always lost.
What's the most votes you've had? I got about 250 one year.
The winner usually gets about 1.
000.
Oh.
So, not bad.
Not great obviously.
No.
Let's hope you get some X's in the squares tonight! Good luck.
Our contestants, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here's how it works.
It's a simple game of noughts and crosses.
To win, our contestants need three squares in a row, either up and down, like this, across like that, or diagonally, like this.
I'll ask our celebrities General Knowledge questions.
Our contestants need to work out if they've answered correctly.
If they make the right decision, they take that square.
If not, the square goes to their opponent.
For each square our contestants take, they'll win ?50.
Win a game and there's a bonus of ?500 up for grabs.
That's the rules done.
Let's start with game one! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Steve, you won the coin toss backstage, so you get to go first.
I'd like to go with James Corden, please.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) James, play dough was originally invented to be what? Acure for baldness.
(LAUGHTER) It doesn't work! Absolutely true, you, you eat it, and then you push your head down and it sprouts out the top.
WARWICK: That is your answer? It's the truth, Steve.
(LAUGHTER) Do you agree or disagree with that? I disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Play dough was originally invented as a way to clean up wallpaper, and not as most kids think, as a way to ruin your carpet! Raj, your turn.
OK, I would like to go for Joe Wilkinson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Joe, here's your question, true or false? There are estimated to be over 50 million Scouts in the world.
(GROANS) Erm (SIGHS) You might have caught me off guard here.
(LAUGHTER) I did not know there was going to be questions.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I kind of thought I was just eye candy, if I'm honest.
(LAUGHTER) There are estimated to be over 50 million Scouts in the world.
True or false, Joe? I don't know! Er, there's loads, there's loads, so yes.
Honestly there's There's more than you think.
(LAUGHTER) We're everywhere! Er, I'm saying it's true, yeah.
What do you think about that, Raj? I agree with you.
You are wrong to agree I'm afraid! Cross gets the square.
Oh, man! There are actually an estimated 28 million Scouts worldwide.
Steve, where would you like to go? With Sara Pascoe for the win.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to win! Sara, what would be happening to your body if you had cutis anserina? Erm, I would be having goose bumps.
Ah, would you like to agree or disagree? I will disagree.
You're wrong.
They are goose bumps, so Naught gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) I did my best, Steve.
People often get goose bumps from being cold or excited, or just from seeing Joe Wilkinson.
(LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
Could I go with Charlotte Hawkins? (APPLAUSE) There she is Charlotte Hawkins, the lovely Charlotte.
You're one of the presenters on Good Morning Britain, which is fantastic.
Thinking about how early that show's on, you must have to get up pretty early to be in for work.
My alarm goes off at 2.
40 in the morning Oh, God! I know! How are you finding it being up this late? Yeah, I have to say this is quite a late night for me, so if I do go quiet and my head starts to drift towards here, then somebody might need to give me a nudge! OK, here's your question.
What is wrapped around oysters in the dish 'Angels on horseback'? Well, I love oysters, so as far as I'm concerned you can wrap anything around them and I will definitely eat them.
We had a name for girls like that at my school! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) OK, maybe not quite anything! I happen to know that this is bacon.
Charlotte thinks bacon is wrapped around oysters.
Do you agree or disagree? I disagree.
You are wrong.
The answer IS bacon! Cross gets the square.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac, which is why for the safety of our squares, we are keeping them away from Mick.
(LAUGHTER) Steve, your turn.
I'd like to go with Catherine Tyldesley for the win.
(APPLAUSE) Catherine, welcome.
Thank you, Warwick.
You are in Coronation Street.
You play Eva.
Yes.
Now, how would you describe her character? Erm, she's very feisty and gobby and mischievous.
Erm, likes a bit of fake tan, a trowel of make-up.
Is your character anything like you? I hope not! (LAUGHS) Right, here we go, here's your question.
Where on your body would you find your uvula? (EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS) I don't know, but I don't think he's found it yet! (LAUGHTER) I am pretty sure on this.
When my friend was training to be a doctor, I helped her revise, and I think it's inside your ear, it protects the eardrum, I think.
So, it's in your ear? Yes.
I will agree.
You're wrong to agree! I'm afraid it's in your throat.
Naught gets the square.
It's the little dangly bit.
The name 'uvula' is from the medieval Latin.
It means 'little grape' and also the noise you make when someone kicks you in the little grapes.
(LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
Can I go with Tom Rosenthal, please? You can indeed.
Hello.
(APPLAUSE) Tom Rosenthal, you are at the top.
Hello.
Your dad Jim is, of course, a sports presenter.
Have you ever been tempted to follow him into that? Erm, no, no er My dad's got an amazing, authoritative sort of voice.
I've not got the voice of a sports commentator.
I've got the voice of a very intelligent sheep.
(IMITATES SHEEP) It's horrible.
I'm so sorry.
I'll sound like it the whole show.
I apologise to anyone listening! Tom, here's your question.
In what industry would you have found the job title 'Stripper, teaser and filler'? (LAUGHTER) Er is it? Are they the original names for the Spice Girls? (LAUGHTER) Stripper, teaser Is it decoration or paint stripping? You're looking for an industry where you would find these job titles.
Decorating.
I mean, is that an industry? The decorating industry, OK.
Why are you saying it's not an industry? I didn't say it wasn't.
I said You were saying with tone of voice decoration was not! Are you going with decorating? I'm going with decorating, yeah.
Go on, Raj.
Good luck.
Do you agree or disagree? I disagree, sorry.
Me too, to be fair.
You're right to disagree.
Naught gets the square.
It was in fact the textile industry, and 'Stripper, teaser and filler' are also three of the characters from my saucy version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Steve, your turn.
I'll go with Tim Vine for the block.
TIM: Come on! Strategic play now.
(APPLAUSE) Tim, you're a comedian.
Cheers.
(LAUGHTER) Can I say, Steve, you say you work in a prison.
It's a great thing.
I visited a prison once and a bloke said to me, "Watch out for one-eyed Rick.
" I said, "Is he violent?" He said, "No, he keeps bumping into people.
" (LAUGHTER) I'm ready for the question.
(LAUGHTER) Tim.
Yes.
There are 30 places in the world called Correct, false, true! (LAUGHTER) There are 30 places in the world There are There are 30 places in the world called Birmingham, but where would you find the Birmingham crater? You did the right thing picking me.
This is something I know about, any questions about the world.
In fact, a bloke said to me, "I'm going to dress up as an island off the coast of Italy.
" "I said don't be Sicily!" (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) But, I think er, I think Birmingham What did you say? Where would you find the Birmingham crater? There is a place on the moon called Birmingham.
I know this for a fact.
The moon, Steve, the moon.
STEVE: The moon.
I will agree.
You are right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) It is indeed on the moon.
The Birmingham crater is grey, desolate and uninhabitable, a statement also true if you remove the word 'crater'.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIM) No, we're not having that, not having that! I'm from Birmingham as well.
I'm sorry, Jamelia, I'm sorry.
It's a lovely place It is! .
.
to drive past.
(LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
I will go with Mick Miller for the block.
Mick, here we go.
(APPLAUSE) Mick, you all right? You don't look happy.
Well, I'm having a bad hair day for a start! (LAUGHTER) I've been ripped off in these London restaurants.
I couldn't believe the prices.
The cheapest thing, main course, ?20.
So, I had this boneless chicken, which was a fried egg.
(LAUGHTER) I'm all right now.
(APPLAUSE) Right, here's your question.
According to a recent cotton USA survey, what do one in four Britons not own? This is erm, men don't have them, what we're talking about.
It's erm, it's pyjamas, you know, because no-one wears pyjamas unless you're going into hospital.
So it's pyjamas, cotton.
One in four Britons don't own one.
OK.
Idisagree.
You're wrong to disagree! AUDIENCE: Ohh! That square is back in play because you have to take the deciding square.
The answer was nightwear.
But, aren't pyjamas nightwear? She disagreed with you, though! All right then.
You were right, Mick! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Do you wear pyjamas, Mick? No.
Oh, wish I hadn't asked.
(LAUGHTER) Steve, where would you like to go? I'll go with Mick Miller for the win, please.
The pressure's on Mick.
Oh! (APPLAUSE) Mick, what is the name of the bi-monthly magazine for metropolitan police officers and staff? Is it 'allo, allo, allo' magazine? (LAUGHTER) Actually, Steve, it's called The Job.
Do you agree or disagree with that? I think I disagree.
You're wrong to disagree! It is The Job! Naught gets the square.
They don't post the magazine through your letterbox, they simply kick your door down and wait for back up.
Raj, your turn.
I'm going with Jamelia.
'Course you are.
If you take this square, you win the game.
You'll have five squares and your opponent can't complete a line.
OK.
Right, Jamelia.
You are a very young new member of the Loose Women team.
Yes.
Now, on there they have a co-host.
I suppose being so young, you're more of a carer, are you? (LAUGHTER) Don't be horrible.
It's like ITV's equivalent of Derek, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) How are you keeping up with their drinking? No, they're all lovely, really, lovely people.
I thought Are they just? No, they're! No! (LAUGHS) Yeah, they really do look after me.
I've never seen any of them drinking so I'm just saying I'm putting it out there because I don't wanna get in trouble.
Right, Jamelia, this is the deciding square.
Here's your question, where does a funambulist like to walk? I know the answer to this question.
OK.
A funambulist is a tight rope walker.
Don't ask me why I know this, but I'm telling you, I know it.
You wouldn't lie to me, would you? No, no, no, of course not! It's not about lying.
It's about whether she knows the answer or not! (LAUGHTER) I agree.
You're right to agree! Naught gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of ?500! (APPLAUSE) Let's see your totals so far.
After that first game, Raj has ?600 and Steve has ?100.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in part two when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win a mystery prize.
I know! Be there and be square.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (THEME MUSIC) (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show that seeks out the brightest brains celebrity land has to offer, then quickly lowers its standards.
(LAUGHTER) Squares, how are you doing? ALL: Fine.
Very well.
We love it.
How's it going, Joe? Good.
You excited about tonight's show? (LAUGHTER) Yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) I am quite excited because I'm in the middle of a word search, and erm, I just found lavender.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, and I've taken up knitting, so I've been doing a bit of that through the show.
(LAUGHTER) What are you gonna knit there, Joe? Shoes! (LAUGHTER) How much have you knitted so far? Erm, I've done the laces.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) It's time for game two! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Which works just like game one, except hidden out there is a mystery square.
If a contestant takes the mystery square, they'll win a prize related to that celebrity.
It's now time to release the squares! For you at home, here's who it is Steve, you're playing catch up, so you get to go first.
I'll go with Catherine Tyldesley.
Here we go, Catherine.
Scientists have found that men do what seven percent slower when they're with their girlfriend or wife? (LAUGHTER) Round our house, I'd say it's the cleaning and taking the bins out.
Erm, maybe talking because I think they would have to think more about what could possibly get them into trouble.
There might be a bit of a delay.
I'm gonna go with talking.
I think I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square.
The answer is walking.
My wife walks more quickly when she's with me.
She'll do anything to make it look like we're not together.
Raj, your turn.
I'd like to go with James Corden, please.
JAMES: Damn straight! (LAUGHTER) James, bra bar, fish dive and attitude, are all terms used in which activity? Modelling.
Yeah, modelling.
It's a subject I obviously know a lot about erm (LAUGHTER) Yeah, I model a lot erm You can model chocolate bars, model my eggs.
Right OK (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Let's not run before we can walk, Raj, but I like where this is going erm No, they're all modelling terms, so like the fish dive, that's route one first day of modelling school.
What's that look like? You pout your lips like a fish.
So like here, and then the erm The dive aspect (LAUGHTER) The dive (LAUGHS) The dive aspect is in fact Where's the camera? Like that one there.
You go like this, you pout, and then you go (LAUGHTER) That's the dive.
(APPLAUSE) Attitude fairly straightforward, basic, suck in the cheek bones, lower the chin .
.
kill with the eyes.
(LAUGHTER) So, the idea is that you're fierce, fierce, fierce, then you're vulnerable.
Erm, and bra bar is obviously, that's the female aspect which I don't know much about So, James thinks modelling.
I disagree.
What!? I'm sorry.
(LAUGHS) You're right to disagree.
Naught gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) They are, in fact, terms used in ballet.
Steve, your turn.
I'll go with Tim Vine, please.
Right, Steve.
Do you mind if I put this hat on, make myself look more intelligent? (LAUGHTER) In research, Tim, from 2014, which foreign language do the majority of Brits think is the most useful to learn? (LAUGHTER) (MUTTERS) (LAUGHTER) Well, I'm You've chosen the right person here, Steve.
Sorry, I've just forgotten the question.
(LAUGHTER) Which foreign language do the majority of Brits think is the most useful to learn? In summary, Steve, the answer I have for you is Spanish.
Do you speak any languages? Erm, my wife says I'm bilingual.
She says I speak English and nonsense.
(LAUGHTER) I think I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree so Cross gets that square.
The answer was Chinese.
Raj, your turn.
I'll go with Joe Wilkinson for the block.
(LAUGHTER) Derbyshire hosts the annual world championship for what type of wrestling? Wrestling? Wrestling.
No-one believes me when I tell them, but I wrestled a bear once (LAUGHTER) .
.
and I won! Erm, it was a koala bear.
Sort of got him in a headlock until he blacked out erm (LAUGHTER) I know this, it's thumb wrestling.
You know that er That's your thumb, ain't it? Yes! What do you think of that? I've never let you down, have I? Er, yeah you have.
Oh, yes I have, yes.
So, I'm gonna disagree with you.
You're right to disagree, so Naught gets the square.
It's toe wrestling.
In toe wrestling you can either win by pinning the other person's toe or by making it go wee, wee, wee, all the way home.
Steve, your turn.
I'll go with Sara Pascoe for the block, please.
Sara, Simon Cowell is allergic to the product of which animal? Product of an animal, so different animals make different things, so for instance, cows make milk with their boobies, and sheep make wool with their skin, and chickens make eggs with their who-whos and erm But, he has an exotic life.
He's a very rich man.
He might have met exotic animals and tried something like orang-utan ear wax or lizard bogeys.
Or some animals can sing, can't they, like whales? Maybe one of those went on Britain's Got Talent.
So, they are all my answers.
We need to sort of narrow it down a little bit, Sara.
Cow.
Cow? Yep.
I'm going to agree.
You are wrong to agree I'm afraid, so that square is back in open play.
The answer is sheep or lamb.
Simon is so allergic to sheep he has to have his jumpers knitted out of his own chest hair.
Raj, your turn.
I'd like to go with Sara Pascoe for the win.
Of course you would.
Sara, here's another question.
OK.
According to a recent UGOV survey, which of the seven deadly sins do people think is the worst? Was it nosiness? Nosiness? I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Naught gets the square, wins the game and a bonus of ?500! The answer was greed.
But, neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you'd chosen Tom, you'd have been playing for a mystery prize.
Tom, would you like to reveal the prize? Seems to be loads of takeaway menus.
(LAUGHTER) We know Tom from Friday Night Dinner, well you could have had dinner sorted for Friday night or any other night with free takeaways for a year, thanks to Just Eat.
What happens to the delivery thing now, Warwick? Yeah, no, I was wondering that.
Because presumably they're not here, we can just say "Yeah no, someone won.
" Yeah.
We can all split it and by the time They'll only find out when this airs, which gives us a good run of like six weeks.
(LAUGHTER) Could we order it now for everyone? (CHEERING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I think it'd give it away delivering to a hundred different addresses! (LAUGHTER) Let's look at the totals so far, Raj, you've got ?1,250 and, Steve, you've got ?200.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's time for game three (APPLAUSE) .
.
which we've called Square Essentials.
The Squares will read statements about themselves.
Our contestants will agree if they think they are telling the truth, and disagree if they think they're telling a porky.
Steve, you're playing catch up so you get to choose first.
James Corden, please.
Let's hear your square essential.
As a child, I learnt the alphabet in reverse order.
Agree or disagree? I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree so Naught gets the square.
I still don't know it.
(LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
I would like to go with Jamelia.
Let's hear your square essential, my lovely.
I often watch children's TV on my own, like cartoons and stuff.
I disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, so Cross gets the square.
Erm, why do you do that? It reminds you of a time when I didn't have any kids.
I didn't have responsibilities, didn't have a mortgage.
It was lovely so I like that feeling.
Kids' TV reminds you of when you didn't have kids? Yeah because I mean, without responsibilities.
Do you sit them in front of a box set of 24? (LAUGHTER) Say, "Here, you go! You gonna put Goodfellas on?" "Thank God, they're asleep.
Let's get Teletubbies on!" (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Do you what I'm finding really strange? Every time James talks, I look up and I'm seeing you from an angle I'm guessing not many people see you from.
(LAUGHTER) I'll be honest, I'm seeing you from an angle! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) It's not It's not It's not easy.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, no! (LAUGHS) I dread to think what Tom's seeing! (LAUGHTER) He's got the additional height! Your milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard today.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Steve.
Your turn, sir.
I'll go with Mick Miller, please.
I used to have a nickname.
They used to call me 'Dracula'.
(LAUGHTER) I think I'll agree.
You were right to agree! Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Mick, why did you get that nickname, was it about garlic? I was a professional footballer many years ago and I was a goalkeeper, and I didn't like crosses.
(LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
I'd like to go with Joe Wilkinson for the block.
It's a lot of effort.
I can swallow a satsuma whole.
Wow.
Thank you.
I agree.
You're right to agree! Naught gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Wow, that may look like a beard there, but it's the very early sprouts of an orange grove.
(LAUGHTER) Also, don't try that at home.
This man is an idiot.
Steve, your turn.
I'll go with Sara Pascoe for the block, please.
Erm, as a child I used to fancy Aladdin.
(LAUGHTER) He's fit.
I think I'll disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
That square is back in open play.
You are wrong Steve, he's hot as and erm Obviously, I was very young at the time.
I feel stupid because I was never going to end up with Aladdin because he's with Princess Jasmine.
So, your turn, Raj.
Could I go with Sara Pascoe for the win? I am allergic to sugar.
(LAUGHTER) That just doesn't sound like a good time to me, so I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Naught gets the square, wins that game and a bonus of ?500.
Well done.
Although she could be, she's sweet enough.
Oh, thanks, Warwick.
You're nice as well.
(LAUGHTER) Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Raj has ?1.
850.
Steve, you're on ?250.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in part three when there's more cash up for grabs, and somebody could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (THEME MUSIC) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show with a Rubik's cube of famous faces.
Charlotte, sitting over there, how have you been? Good.
I'm enjoying myself this evening.
How does this compare to being on the panel of Good Morning Britain? Obviously just as intellectual.
Erm I'm very similar to Susanna Reid.
It's striking sitting next to him.
I get it all the time.
Think James would be good on Good Morning Britain? I'm sure we could certainly find some sort of role for him, yeah.
SARA: A bacon roll.
JAMES AND CHARLOTTE: A bacon roll! Good work! You're bang on.
You're bang on.
Right, it's time for game four (APPLAUSE) .
.
which we call Square Miles.
Hidden out there, we have another mystery square.
If a contestant finds it, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination! Thanks to our friends at British Airways Holidays you could be taking a gondola ride up to St Mark's Square in Venice, with a two-night stay at the Hilton Stucky Hotel.
(APPLAUSE) It's a lovely place.
Right.
Now it's time to release the squares! For you at home, here is the mystery square.
Steve, you're playing catch up so you get to go first.
I'd like to go with James Corden, please.
James Corden.
What does the Olympic motto 'Citius, Altius, Fortius' mean? Oh, I know this! Oh Har Faster, higher, stronger? Yeah, I think so.
OK.
Do you agree or disagree? I'll disagree.
You're wrong to disagree! Naught gets the square.
Steve, man, come on! It's faster, higher, stronger.
I'll take two of those! (LAUGHTER) Raj, your turn.
Can I please go with Jamelia? Yay! True or false, there are more living organisms living on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth? There's like over seven billion people in the world, yeah? There's a lot, yeah.
On earth.
Living organisms are little animals, is that what we're saying? They're living organisms.
So, I don't wanna know that I've got living things, ugh, like seven billion! No, that's too much, so I'm going with false.
So, do you agree or disagree with that? Iagree.
You're wrong to agree to agree so Cross gets the square.
Scientists estimate each human being carries around one hundred trillion living microbes on their body.
It would be less, but Joe's beard dragged up the average.
(LAUGHTER) Steve, your turn.
I'll go with Mick Miller, please.
Mick, if you had to do a 'nose drop' before using your 'tolly' what would you be doing? Erm I think this is aviation.
Aviation.
It would be landing a plane.
I will agree.
You're wrong to agree I'm afraid, so Naught gets the square.
No, it is playing marbles.
Raj, your turn.
I'd like to go with Tim Vine for the win.
OK, Tim, what item is most dumped into the ocean, according to the International Coastal Cleanup? You've done the right thing.
I know a bit about this! Do you know what, I was on the beach the other day.
You know sometimes you see two flags stuck in the sand and a sign nearby says you're only allowed to swim between these flags.
I always ignore that and I swim in the sea.
(LAUGHTER) Can't get any speed up on the sand at all.
But, I think I, in fact I'm sure I know this, it's plastic bottles.
The whole ocean is full of them, plastic bottles.
Do you agree or disagree? Disagree.
You're right to disagree! Naught gets the square, wins the game and a bonus of ?500.
(APPLAUSE) The answer is cigarettes, but neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you'd chosen Catherine, you'd have been playing for the holiday in Venice.
Let's look at your totals so far.
Raj, you have ?2.
400.
and Steve, you're on ?250.
(APPLAUSE) Now it's time for game five! The Double Square game.
We are doubling the money for every square won.
They're now worth ?100 each.
For winning a game, there is a bonus of ?1.
000.
(CHEERING) Steve, where would you like to go? James Corden, please.
OK, Steve, here we go.
James, if you say 'Macbeth' in the theatre, what ritual must you perform in order to lift the curse? You bury your understudy.
(LAUGHTER) You bury him for three days in sand.
I hope that's true, because if it's not, I owe someone a big apology.
(LAUGHTER) Erm no, I think you run outside of the theatre and you quote a piece of Shakespeare and you say it in a circle.
You go round and round in a circle and then run back in.
I disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets that square.
The answer was walk three times in a circle anticlockwise, then say a rude word or spit.
So, if you're in a theatre and you say 'Macbeth', you'll be subjected to misery.
The same is also true if you're in the theatre and say, "Spice Girls musical? Yes, please!" Raj, your turn.
Can I go for Tim Vine? Tim, according to a leading pet insurer, what is the most popular name shared by both cats and dogs in the UK? Erm, actually my dog only understands two words, 'sit' and 'profitability', and it took me ages to teach him to sit.
For a long time he was running a small business standing up.
(LAUGHTER) I'm going to go for something rather obvious, but sometimes the obvious answer is right and you should go with this.
Spot.
Spot.
I am going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Naught gets the square.
Er, yeah.
In the UK, the most common name for cats and dogs is 'Poppy'.
Steve, your turn.
Sara Pascoe, please.
True or false, research has shown that women with red hair can withstand up to 25% more pain? Now that's false because it's blonde women who have to put up with more pain because we have all of the ear pain from everyone wolf whistling and shouting that they love us.
It's really difficult being blonde and I'm starting a charity.
If you give four pounds a month, that can buy a blonde woman a hat and she can go to the supermarket and be invisible like a brunette.
(LAUGHTER) So, it's false! I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree I'm afraid, so Naught gets the square.
Raj, your turn.
I'd like to go with Tom Rosenthal for the win.
Tom, for the win.
Here we go, Tom.
In 2013, what percentage of people in the UK aged between 20 and 34 still live with their parents? Was it 6% or 26%? Erm, I would, yeah, a lot of my generation have moved back home, because it's hard to get a job, it's hard to buy a house.
It's hard to do your own washing, so I would say yeah, 26.
I agree.
Yeah.
You're right to agree.
Yes, Raj! Naught gets the square, wins that game and a bonus of ?1.
000! (APPLAUSE) Well done, so let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final game.
Steve has won ?350, and Raj is on ?3.
600.
Congratulations, Raj! You're going through to our final game.
Thank you.
Unfortunately, Steve, we have to say goodbye to you and your lovely shirt.
Have you had fun? I had great fun.
Thank you for having me.
Great, you'll be taking home ?350.
Enjoy spending the money.
Steve, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in part four when Raj could walk away with that ?20.
000 jackpot! Don't you go anywhere! (APPLAUSE) (THEME MUSIC) (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares where Raj has made it through to our final game, Question Line.
Congratulations making it this far.
Thank you.
Are you excited? I'm very, very excited now.
Feeling a bit nervous, it's not like me.
You've done very well.
You've won quite a bit of cash so far and hopefully you're gonna win more.
Have you thought how you might spend it? Yes, I am a trained beautician so what I did want to do was buy an ice cream van, gut it out, put a mobile salon in the back, get the tune changed to 'Bootylicious', and ride around the streets of Birmingham and get some customers.
(APPLAUSE) Right, so erm, what sort of services would you offer on this fun bus? Massage Yes.
Nails, get your lashes done.
How lovely! We wish you the best of luck.
You've got people in the audience cheering you on.
Who are they? I've got my two friends from school, Rich and Gary, and Chris.
They're right behind you.
We wish you the best of luck.
It's now time for Question Line.
OK, here's your line of questioning.
(BEEPING) You have Tom Rosenthal, James Corden, and Jamelia.
Here are their subjects.
So, which category would you like? The Brit Awards.
You sound very sure of that.
Why did you go for that? Premier League, I'm not to clued up on, and I've got a job, so I don't watch Loose Women.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIM) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) You're going for The Brits? Yes.
You know a lot about music? I'd like to think I do, yeah.
All right, good luck, here we go.
James Corden presented the last four Brit Award shows.
I need you to name Brit Award winners from any of these four years.
If the award's been given to a group, I need the name of the group, and cannot accept names of individual members.
Now, you have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins you ?1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you take home that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Remember, you have to wait for me to say yes or no before you move on to your next answer.
You ready? Yep.
Your time starts now.
Rihanna? Yes.
Ellie Goulding? Yes.
Beyonce? No.
Jay-Z? Nope.
Arctic Monkeys? Yes.
Kylie Minogue? No.
Erm One Direction? Yes.
Erm Think of groups.
Calvin Harris? Nope.
Ahh, well done.
(APPLAUSE) There's quite a few on this list, some you didn't get.
Take That, Justin Bieber, Jessie J, Adele.
James, do you know any? JAMES: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Do you want to tell us? Nope.
Well er, you did very well.
You lit four squares, which gives you ?4.
000.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's add that to the money you've already won, to give you a grand total of ?7.
600! Well done.
Thank you.
Are you happy with that? I'm ecstatic, really, really happy.
We're thrilled for you, fantastic.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Raj, our celebrity squares.
Thank you, Squares! (CHEERING) And to you at home for watching! We'll see you next time.
Good night! (CHEERING) And here's who will be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.