Champions (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

1 So, you know, I read this really interesting article about a man whose dog dragged him out of a flaming gym.
Matthew, I love you, but we're not getting a dog.
Okay? We couldn't even keep a Roomba alive.
We shouldn't have given it that beer.
It was funny, though.
Hi, welcome to Champions.
You give us a mere 15 years, we'll give you the body you always wanted.
I'm looking for a Vincent Cook.
You're looking at him.
Whoops! Now you're looking at me.
I'm his brother, Matthew, okay? That's Vince, the guy you were just looking at! - He knows.
- You slept with my wife.
And now you're gonna pay.
- Whoa! - Oh my God! Please don't kill him, just shoot him in the shoulder if you have to, or better yet, the penis! Or not! Okay? Hey, sir, listen, please.
I'm sure there's been some kind of mistake, right, okay? Uh, what what's your wife's name? - Debra Kemp.
- Okay.
So there hasn't been a mistake.
Do you have any final wishes? Please don't shoot him.
He's got so little to live for already.
What? I mean, he's had so many tough breaks.
He was the star baseball player of our high school team.
Full ride to college, and he lost it all through bad decisions.
Okay, there were some things that were out of my control.
The economy was in the pits, also Iraq, and then, yeah, some alcohol, some weed, but like Wait, you were an athlete? How? I mean, your brother on the other hand, I mean, his body's smoking.
I mean, I'd get it if my wife slept with him.
Thank you.
- That was so nice.
- What is happening right now? But what is the point of killing this guy, huh? Broken dreams, deteriorating body, no dog.
In a lot of ways, keeping him alive is worse punishment, don't you agree? Scientifically, we're all deteriorating, right? But yes, there's some truth to what he's saying.
Huh.
I mean, I guess, if you put it that way, my cheating wife and incurable dandruff aren't really anything - compared to your whole deal.
- Exactly! Well, I'm gonna head out.
I got five other guys I gotta confront this morning.
- Five.
- Yeah.
Okay, good luck with that.
You know what would've protected us in that situation? We're not getting a dog.
Damn it! So, sign these papers, and it's official.
Your gym is sold.
I can't believe I'm really doing it, you know? Finally, I can just let go and disappear.
Sir, if you're going to kill yourself, I'm obliged to tell the police.
No, no, no, I'm not I'm not disappearing like that, okay? I'm moving to Florida.
Yeah, I've just led a life of letting people down, and need a change of scenery, you know? No, I do not.
Wow, I picked the wrong person to confide in.
I usually confide in my wife and son.
Do you have anything like that? Can I just say what an honor it is to be here at the Manhattan Academy for the Performing Arts? I have dreamt of this moment ever since my humble beginnings in the horrible town I was raised in.
It's not that bad.
It's Cleveland.
LeBron James, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, very vibrant Polish music scene, actually.
No, I wasn't criticizing.
You know, you did the best you could with your limited resources.
She's a single mom.
Mm-kay, there is a tragic overtone to this that I just want to refute.
He has a nice life.
We have a panini press.
- She's my rock.
- Okay.
All I'd asked was "Did you find the building okay?" Anyway, I unfortunately have terrible news.
Something has happened to Mr.
Stevenson, the dean of students who recruited you.
He was caught in a sting.
Ooh.
Mm.
Like a hand in the cookie jar sting? More like a Jared from Subway type sting.
BOTH: Oh, my God! The point is because he admitted you, and offered to let you live in his home, we're reevaluating his decisions, and therefore need you to re-audition for the admissions board tomorrow.
- What? - I have to audition again? I don't have a place to live! Can I live with you? I can fit in a suitcase.
He really can, a carry-on even.
I mean, what are we supposed to do? Just one more signature, and I'm on my way to Florida.
Hey, you don't think I'm doing the wrong thing by not telling Matthew, do you? I forget who that is.
Chester, it's my brother.
I've mentioned him several times.
In my defense, you've mentioned numerous people in your rationalization about why you're abandoning friends and family.
Okay, it's not a rationalization, it's just what I'm telling myself to feel better about my secretive behavior.
- Okay? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
All right.
Here's your form.
- This is your copy.
- Cool.
- Now, watch out for gators.
- Yep.
Keep marshmallows in your pocket.
They think they're turtle eggs.
All right, thank you.
- And good luck to you.
- Thank you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Well, good-bye, dreams! Because now, I'm gonna have to return to Ohio, go back in the closet, marry an ugly girl from my high school, and run a pashmina cart at the mall.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Hey, come here.
I am so sorry that this happened.
But if you can nail that audition tomorrow, I think I know a place where you can live.
The Plaza? Like Eloise? Obviously not.
Okay, come on, let's go.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hey, Matthew, I gotta talk to you about something important.
Yeah, of course, we can handle anything.
As long as we're together.
Emotionally together.
No, physically, like living and working together.
Okay, um I think we can both agree that having this gym for the past 13 years is not what we planned.
I agree completely.
- Really? - It has exceeded my plans! And frankly, all of my wildest dreams.
Hey! I need to shower at your guys' place tomorrow.
I'm making sports drink in my tub.
As long as I drink 30 gallons a week, it pays for itself.
That's smart, Ruby.
Yeah, you can use our shower.
Uh, can you give us a second? Oh, I see.
The two people with private offices take over our only break room.
You know, that's some real one-percenter crap! Guess I'll go eat my pad see ew in the alley.
I'm sorry, Vince.
Well, well, well.
I guess you have time to sit and chat with your white brother, but not to text back your Indian girlfriend if we're on for movie night.
Oh, yeah, Britney, sorry, uh I'm just dealing with some stuff but I'll meet you at the theater.
This is why we work.
My entire family was so wrong about you.
We are so blessed to work with such strong women.
God, I hope nothing ever changes.
But why would it? [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Mom, I'm starving.
Why are we at a gym in Brooklyn? Is this another stop in your "Sex and the City" tour? No, they never came to Brooklyn unless they were dating a loser.
Speaking of which, I need to talk to someone, all right? So I just want you to wait here, and, um Oh, read this "Men's Health.
" And try not to get too turned on damn! - I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Oh, thank God, food.
Oh, hey, private office.
What are you doing? Give me that.
Who are you? Do you want my real name or my stage name? Your real name.
Miguel Blanchett Almodovar.
Your real name.
Michael Patel.
Well, Michael Patel, congratulations.
You're about to be the first Indian kid to ever get arrested for stealing.
How dare you? I would never steal.
I was simply looking for something to eat, like Jean Valjean from "Les Miserables.
" - I never read it.
- It's not a book, it's a musical and a movie.
What is this place anyway? Oh, is it a treatment facility? I sing at the nursing home where my mom works in Cleveland.
My act is a little racy Wait, where'd you say you were from? Cleveland.
Priya? Michael.
This is your father.
What? Hey.
When I got pregnant, I had a full ride to Ohio State.
I had a baseball scholarship to perennial powerhouse Arizona State, in a very competitive year.
Dustin Pedroia, Andre Ethier And he lost that scholarship one month into his freshman year.
He was smoking a joint, marijuana, at a gas station, and caused an explosion.
In my defense, that would've happened to anyone smoking a joint at a gas station.
Anyway, that was just one of many, many reasons that we decided it was best not to tell you he was your dad.
That makes sense, right, sweetheart? Um No! Okay.
You told me my dad died in Afghanistan liberating a school of blind girls.
You're a liar! You're a deadbeat, and neither of you have any style.
- I think that's unfair.
- I mean, I'm matching.
The only person I like is my uncle! Thank you, only I cannot enjoy your compliment as I too am reeling from this life of deception.
I raised you by myself, and it was the hardest time of my life.
But it was all worth it, because you were the sweetest little boy until you turned four, and you saw Bernadette Peters sing "Send in the Clowns" on PBS, and you've complained every day since that you needed to live in New York City.
Isn't it rich - Stop, stop, not the time.
- Okay.
Vince, I need to talk to you for a second in your bedroom.
I know this is sudden, but you have to take him.
I have to be at work tomorrow.
Otherwise, I'm gonna be fired.
I wish I could help you, but I can't, okay? And I can't tell you why.
You can't tell me why? What are you, Jason Bourne? You run a gym.
Wow, you were a lot nicer in high school.
Anyway, how am I the bad guy here? You're the one who didn't want me involved, remember? I was 18 years old.
I also thought it was a good idea to have unprotected sex with you under the Coney Island Boardwalk.
I wanted to do it on the Cyclone, but you were like, "That's tacky, don't do that.
" - Okay.
- You know what? The point is, I don't know how to be a dad.
Do you think I knew how to be a mom when I was a freshman in college? I carried him in my backpack.
He was always covered in pen.
[SIGHS.]
You know I would've helped you.
Cool, here's your chance.
That's when I realized I just didn't have what it takes to collect coins.
Great news.
We decided that you're gonna live here, and we couldn't be happier.
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
Matthew, help me get the bags from the car.
You two can get to know each other.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
It's Vance, right? Vince.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Isn't he adorable? I think he has my eyes.
Stop, okay? Do not get too used to this.
I guarantee you Priya's coming back.
Hey, Michael, dinnertime.
How can I be thinking about food when I don't even know what I'm playing for my audition tomorrow? Brahms? Chopin? Liszt? Yeah, one more name, and it is a list, you're doing great! Whoa, you cooked this? Or are you doing that thing where you bought it and put it on plates to look like you cooked it? No, I'm not trying to date you.
- We cooked it.
- Wow.
Have you never had a home cooked meal before? Mom works a lot, so we eat takeout, like, every night.
You eat fast food every night for dinner.
Okay, and I'm the deadbeat.
My mother is an angel.
You robbed her of her youth and left her for dead, like Fantine in "Les Mis," so I had to be raised by the ghoul she had become.
Okay.
Hey, what are you doing? What I do every night: eat dinner while watching "RuPaul's Drag Race.
" Oh, no, I don't think so.
Look, we're not degenerates who eat dinner in front of the television.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Unless they are re-running the episode of "The Price Is Right" - that Matthew was on.
- I lost! Since I'm going to be living here, and since you're both jocks, I feel compelled to reveal something to you that you must consider a disgrace.
I'm gay.
Okay.
Um, first of all, it's not that difficult to tell that you're gay.
Yeah, I could tell from the way that you talk.
Also, you think we have a problem with gay people? No, we own a gym.
In fact, our big dream is that someday our gym will become a gay gym, because women and straight guys are filthy.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- And that would be your mom.
I told you she'd come back.
Right? You know, we always had a volatile relationship, which is kind of what made it hot.
- Mm, I'm gonna throw up.
- Okay.
- Oh, hey, Britney.
- Matthew.
Vince.
Why did I see some Indian chick with bad clothes come out of your apartment this afternoon? You were watching my apartment? Of course, duh.
Hello.
I'm Britney Sundaram, Vince's soulmate.
Well, we're on-again, off-again.
On-again, off-again soulmates.
How many Indian women have you dated? How many white women has Leonardo DiCaprio dated? No one's asking about that.
Well, you've cheated on me for the last time.
It's over.
I've gotten engaged.
- Engaged? To who? - My career.
"Career"? You post pictures of yourself drinking flavored vodka in a bikini on Instagram.
- BOTH: Ow.
- I'm almost verified! Stop, whatever he's done, you don't humiliate a man in front of his own son.
Matthew's your son? I knew it.
You look so much older than him.
What? No.
What? No.
The other one is my son.
Guys, can you give us a minute? I gotta talk to Britney.
- You're fabulous, by the way.
- Oh, thank you.
So this is my room.
Yeah, I'd say my personal style is "health conscious guy on a budget.
" Well, you nailed it.
I love how you put a plant in an old protein powder container.
Ah, thanks, yeah, these containers are the best.
- This one here - [CHANGE CLINKING.]
It's a piggy bank! [CHUCKLES.]
And this one holds protein powder.
Hey, I think they might be a while.
- You wanna sit? - Sure.
Okay.
So is it rude of me to say that I wish you were my dad and Vince was my uncle? Or not really a part of this.
What, are you crazy? Your dad is amazing.
Your mom only told you half the story.
After Vince lost his scholarship, our dad died, and he had to take over the gym.
Gave up every dream he ever had.
Well, I've always wondered who my father was.
I'm glad inside he's nice.
Did you ever, uh Mm, wonder who your uncle was? Not once, which makes meeting you all the better.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
So who's your favorite Housewife? Ooh! Um My mom? How could you not tell me you have a son? And now he just shows up and gets to live here? He's not moving in, okay? I got a lot of stuff going on, all right? He's never been part of my life before, and I can't make room for him now.
You know what, I was actually beginning to think that you were okay.
Sure, you look like the abusive boyfriend in a Lifetime movie.
- Oh, my God, you do.
- That I could look past.
But I don't want to live here either.
Your life is sad and your gym is even sadder.
I can't believe anyone would even want to buy it.
Wait, what are you talking about? He's selling Champions.
Oh, did you not know? I saw the signed contract on his desk and a joint, which I'm keeping - for my 18th birthday.
- Wait, is that true? - About the joint? - Selling the gym.
Yes, yeah, I'm moving to Florida.
- By myself.
- [SIGHS.]
You selfish son of a bitch.
I can't believe the day I gained a nephew, I lost a brother.
Michael, let's go.
Michael? Michael! Michael? - Michael? - Michael! - Michael? - Michael Patel! Hey, slow down, all right? Look I know you're mad at me Mad Doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling.
I am angry.
Putting aside the secret son you didn't tell me about, how could you sell the gym? We were gonna grow old together in that gym.
Two gray hairs, lifting weights, till one day, the rack topples over and kills us both.
- That's your dream? - Hell yeah.
- Okay.
- But now it's dead, - because you're abandoning me.
- I'm not abandoning you.
Yeah, then what would you call it? Running away from responsibility, all right? I don't know why you're so surprised! This is what I do.
Okay, I let people down.
Right? Mom and Dad, coaches, Priya.
I've had a son for 12 hours and he went from promising musician to a real bummer of an episode of "SVU.
" [PHONE RINGING.]
That might be Michael! Answer it! [SIGHS.]
It's Priya.
- What do I do? - Oh, I know.
- Give me the phone.
- What, what? I got this.
Hey, Priya, it's Matthew.
Oh, what's that? Oh, you want to talk to Vince? - Okay.
- What? - She's really good.
- I just - Priya, what up? - Vince, hey, look Uh, I need to apologize for last night.
Oh, that's cool.
I forgive you.
I gotta go.
No, I'm not apologizing to you, you're a dick.
I'm apologizing to Michael.
And I'm coming back to get him.
Hey, can you put him on the phone? He's not pick up and his audition's in an hour.
Wha uh, audition? What audition? To get back into the school.
Did you really forget? - Forget what? Ha ha, kidding.
- That's not funny! Priya, would you just get off my jock? All right, I'm gonna take him to the "Glee" audition because I'm his dad.
Okay, thanks.
I guess you're not as completely terrible - as I thought you were.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Wow, that woman is obsessed with me.
All right, we gotta find Michael now.
- Michael! - Michael! Hey, when you said you were gonna make signs, - I thought you had a photo.
- A photo captures his looks.
A drawing captures his soul.
Hey, guys, we're urp.
I broke your shower.
Ruby, what are you doing here? I told you I needed to use your shower.
I didn't tell you I needed to use your razor.
Might wanna put that in the dishwasher.
Great, thanks.
You haven't seen a half-Indian kid, have you? No, but I did hear someone crying in the gym.
I would've investigated, but it's not my turn to kick out the homeless people.
I'm gonna sleep in your bed.
- Michael.
- [SOFT GASP.]
Michael, I just saw your Insta story.
I know that you're in here.
What, did you sleep here last night? Oh, I tried to run away, but I don't have any money, and I'm not hot enough to pay with my looks.
Thanks for that, by the way.
Okay, I get it, you're mad at me.
But your audition's in ten minutes, we gotta go.
No.
What do you mean, "no"? Isn't this all you ever wanted? - What's your problem? - What's my problem? My problem is my father doesn't even want me.
What's an admissions committee gonna think? All right, look, if you don't go, that's the same as quitting, and trust me, once you start quitting, it's hard to stop.
Hmm.
Wow, that was amazing.
That's Oscar-worthy.
You should submit yourself for Best Supporting Douchebag in a Movie.
I didn't want to have to do this, but What are you what [GASPS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [SCREAMING.]
Help, help! You know, I like that kid from Hoboken.
You don't see a lot of black kids playing the oboe.
- You know? - Put me down, put me down! - Come on.
- I know my rights! Look, I got one more contestant or whatever for your audition stuff.
Auditions were over 30 minutes ago.
And now we're eating our salads.
- Okay.
- Wait, hey, nope, nope.
Uh, sir, I'm sorry, it's my fault that he's late.
Fifteen years late, actually.
You see, his mom and I - Nope! - We did it No, no time for stories, all right? Don't care.
Just play.
Thank you.
- Okay.
- I can't do this, okay? I don't have my music, I don't even know what I'm gonna play.
- Close your eyes.
- What? Just trust me.
Close your eyes, picture yourself, and tell me what you see.
A diminutive 15-year-old with no friends.
[IMITATING BUZZER.]
Wrong answer.
You are a talented and amazing kid who's worked his whole life for this moment.
And that is why you are gonna crush it.
Right? All right, everybody, let's put your hands together.
Straight from Cleveland, the mistake by the lake, but he ain't fake.
It's Miguel Blanchett Almodovar.
[THUD.]
Oh, my are are you okay? Just do it! Just go, go, he's good! O-okay.
I'm gonna perform my favorite song, written by another openly gay man who also happens to be Indian.
I've paid my dues Time after time Freddie Mercury was gay? But committed no crime And bad mistakes I've made a few I've had my share of sand kicked in my face But I've come through We are the champions, my friends And we'll keep on fighting till the end We are the champions, we are the champions No time for losers 'Cause we are the champions Of the world Whoo! Damn, boy! - [APPLAUSE.]
- Ha ha, all right! Did you see that? Oh, my God! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Hang on.
- Hello.
- Vincent, it's Dean Pasqueasy.
- Oh, hey.
- Turns out there's a rich family in Gramercy who's very intrigued by Michael.
And they would like to take him in.
Kind of a "Blind Side" situation for you.
Should I give them your information? No, you may not.
Mike's living with me.
Um, it's Michael.
Although it should be Laughingstock, because I have wrinkles in my rdigan on my first day like I'm straight up Oliver.
I'll be in the car trying to steam it on the heating vent.
Take a look in the mirror Thank you, Uncle.
Yeah, Dean, actually, email me that family's information, - just in case.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Lord, somebody - Ooh, somebody - Uh, today? Can anybody find me somebody to love? Love you guys.