Changing Ends (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
DOG BARKS
MUSIC: 'In Between
Days' by The Cure
OLDER ALAN: 'Hello, I'm Alan
Carr, and believe it or not,
'there was a time BEFORE I
was a national treasure.'
Didn't the '80s drag?
Has anyone checked it
actually was a decade?
Cos it felt a lot longer.
And don't get me started
on the mid '80s -
when puberty came along,
punched me in the face,
left me with the eyesight of a mole
and the voice of an elderly lady.
DOORBELL RINGS
DOOR OPENS Hi, Mrs Hudson.
'And they said I'd
grow into the teeth.'
Oh, hello, Alan.
Is Charlie in? Er, he's
not, I'm afraid, no.
Oh.
Well, did he mention the Murder
She Wrote VHS I lent him?
If I find it, I'll drop it over.
Corned Beef And Carnage.
It's the one where
the actual murderer
..is Jessica Fletcher's
own niece! HE GASPS
Good to know (!) I won't
need to watch it now. Bye!
DOOR SLAMS Oh
'Someone wants to get
themselves a new mat.
'Now, unknown to me,
'this metamorphosis was fast
turning me into a social pariah.
'For every pube I
gained, I lost a friend!
'Ooh, how queer.'
Hmm.
Come on! Jesus bloody Christ,
man, I've seen milk turn quicker!
PLAYERS SHOU
The ball's up there!
It's up there!
Give me strength!
THEY EXCLAIM Argh,
you massive kno!
'Here he is, Graham
Carr, my dad -
shy, retiring
wallflower of a man
'and manager of Fourth Division
football club Northampton Town.'
..ob! What the?
Right, yeah, well, I'll put
you left-back, shall I?!
Left back in the changing
room! RON: Graham. Graham.
This just hit my
Jag in the car park.
Oh, sorry about that, boss.
Alfie was taking a shot.
But the goal's over there.
And that, Mr Chairman, is why
we are bottom of the league.
Get up the wing, you moron!
Well, if you cut your hair,
you might stand a better
chance of seeing something!
Oh! Oh!
Ooh!
You won't believe this, but I
often get branded as "camp".
I know! But look at this lot,
right under me dad's nose.
MUSIC: 'Lick It Up' by Kiss
Big hair
hooped earrings
..bum patting at
every opportunity.
More bum patting. ALL EXCLAIM
And then they'd all strip off
and get in a big bath together!
Oh, pass the soap,
Kev. ALL: Way-hey!
To think my dad got his knickers in
a twist cos I liked country dancing.
'With my best friend
Charlie nowhere to be seen,
'me and my brother Gary
abandoned our surveillance
'and turned to my
favourite pastime -
'bird-watching.'
GASP GARY: Is that a canary?
No. It's an empty
bag of Quavers.
'Here's my mum, Christine.
'Team Alan through and through
and the wind beneath my wings.'
All right, Bill Oddie. You
seen anything interesting?
Yes, I have.
Charlie! Charlie!
Charlie.
Hi, Alan. Charlie, inside now.
It's the summer holidays!
You can't keep him
locked up, vinegar tits!
ALAN EXCLAIMS
Here, what's going on?
Oh, he tripped! ALAN GASPS
Alan, in the house.
Oh, look, it's mother
of the year (!)
I beg your pardon?
You keep burying your
head in the sand, Chris.
Your precious Alan's
polluting my Charlie's mind.
The more he hangs
about with him,
the more he starts
acting like a girl.
SHE SCOFFS My Alan?!
Oh, please. Now I've
heard everything.
A car backfired in the
high street the other day,
he threw himself to the ground.
Well, that's not girly.
It is if you incorporate
a forward roll
and a cartwheel to finish.
What are you saying?
It's not natural.
There's a couple of them
on EastEnders now, an' all.
Now, my Nigel's
open-minded in the bedroom
but we don't wanna see
that at meal times.
We've switched to
Emmerdale Farm.
MOTHER'S BICKER
Oh, come on. What're you doing?
Why is she doing the Locomotion?
GASP Is it Charlie?
MUSIC: 'Enola Gay' by OMD
HE GASPS
GASPING CONTINUES
No, it's his dad!
Oi, Christine, what's going on?
Alan's peeping on me. What?!
Oh, why am I not surprised?
He's over there with
binoculars. He's grinning at me!
He's not grinning,
that's just his teeth!
You wanna sort that boy
of yours out, Chris.
There's something not right
there. Not right AT ALL.
What d'you mean?
We reckon he's a bit
How should we say?
..half rice, half chips.
He's full chips. With gravy.
And we don't want Charlie
going anywhere near him.
MUSIC CONTINUES
SHE EXHALES
MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY Cow!
DOOR SHUTS Alan?
Don't you listen to a word
that fantasist says about ya.
Look at the grass stains on
the back. DO NOT wash it out.
0800-11 Who
are you phoning?
Childline.
Esther'll have a
field day with this.
She'll have this down the lab
before you can say, "That's Life!"
Right, that's enough. Now
settle down, the two of you.
Your you dad doesn't want to be
coming in to all of this fuss.
DOOR OPENS I've been assaulted!
Dad! Dad! Dad! She
is an absolute bitch.
Mrs Hudson pushed me over,
and now my jeans are ruined.
Look at the grass stain on my
back! GRAHAM: Whoa, whoa, whoa
Everyone, shut up! And
it doesn't wash out.
It's been a bit of a day. What
would you like for your tea?
Half rice, half chips? Huh?
'Ditched for being camp?
'I had no idea. I just thought I
was bubbly and great fun to be with.
'And is it a crime to
enjoy a cream tea?'
What is going on?
Adults are weird.
SHE SCOFFS
I mean, WHO does she think
she is, commenting on my Alan?
Come at me, Ange,
don't come at me kids.
Huh. Oh, I could smash her in the
face with this casserole dish.
You think of these
things after, don't ya?
CHARLIE: Bye.
Charlie.
Charlie. Charlie. Charlie!
Charlie! Charlie,
look Wait, Charlie!
YELLS: No, Charlie!
Charlie! Charlie!
CROCKERY CLATTERS
Hey, come here.
Don't blame yourself.
Oh, I'm not blaming meself,
Graham. Oh, that's good.
I'm blaming you.
CLATTERING CONTINUES, HE SIGHS
Charlie!
Charlie!
Stop following me,
I don't need this.
Wh What's going on? Go
and play with someone else.
WE'RE having a kickabout.
Well, let me play, too. You're
not interested in football.
I am so. We were down here
with the ball last week!
What should I do?
Shout "push". No!
Everyone's looking.
And mop me brow!
"Oh, nurse, I can see the head!
"Isn't he beautiful? Aw"
Don't waste your time
with him, Charlie.
Stick to bird-watching,
you four-eyed freak.
Just to clarify - is that the
glasses or the binoculars?
Oh, well, thanks for
the clarification (!)
THEY SHOUT, ALAN SIGHS
Ah, unlucky. Nice
shot, mate, nice shot.
HE GASPS
CHRISTINE: 'So he's
a bit different.'
Everyone's a bit different.
I'm a bit different.
Well, you can say that again.
Trouble is, he's got
no proper role models.
Except Prince.
He is absolutely
obsessed with Prince.
What? That Alsatian up the road?
The pop star!
The man on his bedroom wall,
with the high heels and the lace.
That's a man?
Spend some time with him.
Just do what dads do.
In case you've forgotten,
I've got a game this weekend -
Peterborough. Ah,
they're a tough outfit.
Their defence, Chris, is
IMITATES HIS ACCENT:
"The best in the league."
Here's an idea - why don't
you take him for a kickabout?
HE CHUCKLES
Christine
I know me son, and believe me,
the last thing he wants
to be is a footballer.
Dad, I wanna be a footballer.
What?
There. Think about it.
ALAN EXCLAIMS DRAMATICALLY
GRAHAM SIGHS
Gary.
Ooh! Good lad, Gary.
Alan, again.
EXCLAIMS DRAMATICALLY
Ah!
Try and concentrate. Right?
Give me ten push-ups.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm out of puff.
Listen to me - you know what you
need if you wanna be a footballer?
OLDER ALAN: Mullet?
Gambling addiction?
Rolled up copy of Razzle
in your back pocket?
Stamina.
Right, go and
touch the tree now.
The apple blossom or the willow?
Any tree. HE SIGHS
GRAHAM SIGHS
OLDER ALAN: 'Whenever my mum was
chuffin' on a John Player Special,
'it wasn't just her lungs
that were working overtime,
'it was her brain.
'When she was plotting, she
could polish off a whole pack
'before you can say "emphysema".
'She wasn't gonna stand back
'and watch one of her
boys become an outcast.
'Oh, no.
'After all, being the wife
of the manager of a team
'that's bottom of Division
Four had to have some perks.'
Well done, Gary, you'll be in
the next Olympics, come on.
Alan, keep up.
Alan, you're in a different
time zone. Come on.
HE PANTS
Please, can we stop?
I've got a stitch. I'm stewing!
Bloody hell. Where'd
you get that?
The market.
Well, remind me to
cut your pocket money.
Where's the stuff I gave you?
Those good Adidas boots I got you?
I gave them to Oxfam.
Bob Geldof said
Africa needed them.
What a bloody waste.
Well, not for the little boy
playing keep-it-uppie in Kenya.
Keepie-uppie.
Keepie-uppie, keep-it-uppie!
Well, I can't keepie-uppie
with this boring conversation.
I've got a good mind to down
tools and have a Mars bar.
In the car. What?
MUSIC: 'Kylie's Smiley
Mix' by Kylie Minogue
Where? Where are we
going? In the car now!
Balls!
Yes, Saturday at the
County Ground with my Alan.
Well, that's not very nice!
No, you have to
actually go with Alan.
Yes, sit next to him.
Yes, you will be seen
with him. Oh, forget it!
Yes, the glasses and the
teeth, that's the one.
Oh, come on! MUSIC
STOPS ABRUPTLY
Oh, come on, Alan,
what's taking so long?
These ain't made for me!
I'm a classic pear,
always have been.
NIGEL: Come on,
let's try this on.
Oh, Jesus
Go on in, Charlie,
son. Charlie?
Graham. Nigel.
Charlie!
HE SIGHS I know it's you.
HE GASPS I knew it.
So, what you in for, then?
Well, you know, getting
Alan some new kit.
You know what he's
like. Yeah, I do.
What's that supposed to mean?
WHISPERS: Go away. I'm not
allowed to talk to you.
But I'm a footballer now!
I'm getting boots, shin
pads the whole caboodle.
I'm gonna be like Pelay!
Pele. Yeah, that's the fella.
Oh, come on. Spit it out, Nigel.
Look as long as he's
playing on a pitch
not playing peeping Tom with me when
I'm in the shower, I'm happy. Right.
What are you talking
about "peeping Tom"?!
He'll kill me if he
sees me talking to you.
Is it cos he thinks I don't
like football? Cos I do.
No, you don't.
Look, he was staring
straight at me.
He was making my skin crawl, Graham.
Right, that's it. Outside now.
GARY: Dad. CHARLIE: Go
back to your own side.
Oh, hello. Look!
He's at it again!
I best be off.
HE GRUNTS
Right, come on, Charlie,
we're going. Come on.
Leave the shirt.
That was bloody embarrassing.
You're not even interested
in playing, are you, Alan?
I am. Oh, you could
have bloody fooled me.
Will Charlie be at
the match on Saturday?
Forget about Charlie.
I'm only asking!
I'm not exactly Mr
Popular at the moment.
I just want my friend back.
It's normal to want
to see your friend.
I don't think you know
what normal is, Alan.
HE SIGHS
'Hey, snowflakes, this
was therapy, '80s style.'
Oh. Who're all these new faces?
That's Peter Shilton,
that's Glenn Hoddle,
and that's Bruce Grobbelaar.
Wow.
Right, come on, into bed.
Mum can I ask you something?
Yeah, of course you can.
Am I normal?
What d'you mean? Well,
Dad said I'm not normal.
What's normal, and
what's not normal?
Sam down the road.
She ain't normal.
She's all right.
She dyed her guinea pig black!
Alan you're fine.
But then why won't
people play with me?
And why does Angela say
those horrible things?
Because she's a cow.
Look, Alan
I think you're perfect
just the way you are.
And don't let anybody tell
you any different. Ever.
Do you hear me?
Come here. Mm.
Good night.
Oh, you've got an empty space.
Yeah, I took Prince down. Dad
said he wasn't a real man.
Who's gonna go up instead?
George Michael!
'This was the '80s.
Don't pretend you knew.'
Good night, Alan. Night.
NEWSPAPER VENDOR:
Chronicle and Echo!
It's Derby Day. Chronicle
and Echo! Chronicle and Echo!
'Derby Day in Northampton.
The atmosphere was electric.
'The town was abuzz.
'A sea of beaming faces,
kaleidoscopic colours.
'It could have been
mistaken for Rio Carnival.
'If Rio Carnival had been
through a boil wash.'
PLAYERS CHATTER
Whew! It smells like
a brothel in here.
How would you know, boss?
I was there last
night with your mum.
PLAYERS LAUGH AND JEER
Right, listen up.
You have the whole
town watching you.
You've got it in you to be up
there with the best of 'em.
THEY EXCLAIM IN AGREEMEN
I want you to go up there and
do me and Northampton proud!
And if you've got as much energy
in you as Alfie's mum does,
well, then we'll be
celebrating tonight!
THEY CHEER Hey, fellas!
This is Joey. He's gonna
be leading the team out.
Hello, Joey, nice to meet you.
Let me introduce you.
This is Vince.
He's the one who lets
all the goals in.
This is Alfie.
His nickname is Dracula,
because he's scared
of crosses. Funny.
And this is Banjo.
Ah, put some pants on,
Banjo, for God's sake.
Boss, wife's here.
What's wrong?
Oh, that's nice.
We've come to see you.
Oh.
Oh, thanks, darling.
Looking good in all
of his gear, isn't he?
Yeah.
What time's curtain
up? Kick-off. Kick-off.
Graham.
Grace, boys. All right, Ron?
Sorry to interrupt.
Spot of bother.
PHYSIO: Take a deep breath.
What the? He slipped
on the wet floor.
He's done his ankle in.
Who's gonna lead the team out?
I'll do it.
Well, we could always
see if No. I'll do it.
I'll lead the team out.
'I didn't know what
had come over me.
'But in that moment,
'I knew that if I could step onto
that pitch for everyone to see,
'I'd show Charlie,
my dad and everyone
'that I was a
footballer. A real lad.
'That I was, in fact, normal.'
I know all the chants. Hey.
Graham Carr's claret
and white army!
He's fat, he's round, his
feet don't touch the ground.
Graham Carr, Graham Carr! OK.
ALL CHANT: He's fat, he's round,
his feet don't touch the ground.
Graham Carr, Graham Carr!
He's fat, he's round, his
feet don't touch the ground
Graham Carr, Graham Carr!
Up the Cobblers!
How bad is that lad's leg?
PA ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the County Ground.
It's show time, my ducks.
CHEERING
Alan.
When you get out there and they
have their little kickabout
Yeah. ..stay away
from the ball.
What? Stay away from the ball.
Why?
Because you're not good.
Huh! Do not go near the ball.
Do not kick it. Do not head it.
Do not pass it.
What about a drop stitch?
It's a drop kick,
and that's rugby.
Yeah.
Don't embarrass me, yeah?
Right!
Come on! Come on!
Come on!
Time for the kick-off,
boys, come on.
Oh, here he is, here's Dad.
PA ANNOUNCER: Give a
big County Ground cheer
for the one and only,
the boys from the old home team,
it's the Cobblers, my duck!
Cobblers! Yeah!
Alan!
MUSIC: 'Blue
Monday' by New Order
CHEERING
Are you ready, Alan? No, no!
Don't do it. Keep
it away from him.
No, no. No.
CROWD GASP No.
Alan, come on.
To Jimbo, Jimbo.
Alfie! Keep it away from him.
What's he doing?
He's making an absolute tit of
himself, that's what he's doing.
No, no, no.
WAILING: No, no.
Come on, Banj. No, Banjo, no.
Come on, Alan. Banjo!
Come on, Alan. No, no.
No, no, no!
Get him off that pitch. No!
No!
'What was this?
'It was like Lady Luck had
passed me the ball herself.
No, don't do that.
Don't you dare.
'All I needed was
to kick the ball
'in the back of the net
'to get a goal
'I think.'
..nothing to do with him, OK?
LAUGHTER
Don't laugh!
You missed, mate!
Was it Gary Lineker who said,
"If you can't hit
the back of the net,
"hit a bigot in the face?"
Right, get him off
that pitch now.
MUSIC: 'Running In The
Family' by Level 42
It runs in the family
All the things we are
On the back-seat of the car
With Joseph and Emily
We only see so far
And we all have
our daddy's eyes
Looking back it's so bizarre
It runs in the family
All the things we are
Looking back it's
so bizarre ♪
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