Chappelle's Show (2003) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Oww.
Woo-hoo hoo.
Woo-hoo.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
(techno music)
Dave
Dave
Dave Chappelle's
a funny guy
(tires screeching)
What the fuck
are you doing?!
You gotta
get outta my car.
I'm serious!
(tires squealing)
That crazy dancin'
makin' my penis soft.
(audience laughing)
(hip-hop music)
Now, that is what
I call dancin'!
You should've seen the girl
that was sittin' in there
before you, whoo!
Oh, snap,
there she go right there!
Ugh!
Oh, I'm gettin' ready
to crash, girl, hold up.
Whoo!
(announcer)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Chappelle!
(cheers & applause)
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, man, no.
Welcome to this thing that
we call Chappelle's Show.
This is the very first episode,
I finally got my own show.
And, I mean,
I'm serious.
When I say this is my show,
this is my show.
I can show y'all
whatever I want.
As a matter of fact, I'll show
you a little bleeper blooper.
It's a bleeper
of a blooper, though.
Here, show that last Mitsubishi
clip real quick.
(hip-hop music)
(laughter and applause)
Whoo!
Oh!
You gotta see that again
in slow motion.
Look at my face when
I see her titty pop out.
Play it again,
play it again!
(laughter and applause)
You know the worst
part about that?
I felt guilty,
like I did that with my mind.
'Cause the whole time
she was dancin',
I was like, "come on, titty,
come on, titty!"
Well, this is it,
this is the first episode.
Y'all ready,
some sketch comedy,
y'all ready to see some
sketches, some skits?
(cheers & applause)
Y'know,
this first piece, actually
is dedicated to a copy place
that I frequent.
And the reason
I'm talking about them
is because their service sucks.
Well, I have obtained a copy
of their training video.
Go ahead, America,
(female announcer)
This is the official 2002
"Popcopy" employee
training film
with your host,
Ralph Henderson.
Hello,
I'm Ralph Henderson.
And if you're watching
this video,
that means you've
just been hired to work here
at "Popular Copy".
Me and my friends are
gonna show you the basics
of what it's like
to work here.
You guys ready?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Great.
First of all,
never show up on time,
and if a supervisor happens
to ask you where you were,
your response should
sound something like this.
Manuel,
why were you late?
Man, I got here
when I could!
Shit, you're not
my fucking moms!
(chuckles)
Perfect!
Occasionally,
you may get snagged
by one of these
customer people.
Just remember, your job
is to frustrate them
and make them feel unwanted.
If you can,
rap up a story
that will make them feel
uncomfortable.
For instance
you understand what
I'm saying, right?
I mean, you know
my reputation.
I don't give a fuck,
I'll go to Rikers
for three or four years
just to prove my point,
I don't play that shit.
Can I help you?
Or
Hell, yeah, I suck toes!
Good afternoon,
welcome to "Popcopy",
can I help you?
Or
(man)
What's wrong?
My butt is itchin' like crazy,
and I took a shower.
Can I help you?
If a customer
has a computer disk,
then look at it and tell them
it's the wrong format.
If they use Apple,
tell them we're PC
If they use PC, tell them
we're Apple.
And if they got both,
then tell them we use Linux.
And if they got that, tell them
the computers are down.
They should be, anyhow.
You see, the whole system
actually went down.
It's gonna be shut down
for a couple hours.
Hours?
It happens.
The whole system?
But this is a big place,
how can
Listen, sister,
I gotta go take a shit.
I don't believe
he said that!
Should a customer get all uppity
and ask to speak to a manager,
then tell them,
"guess what?
I am the manager."
I wanna see the manager.
No, see,
I am the manager.
You are the manager?
That's right,
my friend.
I'm the only manager here.
Unless you want to talk
to the "Popcopy" president
and I don't know him, you might
could help me out with that.
I mean, really get
in their face about it.
I wanna see
your manager!
Guess what, nigga?
I am your manager,
what's up?
You're the manager?!
That's right,
how may I help you?
You done, that's it.
Your job is done, nigga,
get out!
I'll see you later
What are you
talking about?!
Y'know, a lot of people
ask, "why?"
"Why treat
the customer this way?"
Why?
'Cause fuck 'em,
that's why.
Bathroom upkeep is important
to us here at "Popcopy".
Be sure to spray chocolate sauce
on the wall near the toilet
to give the appearance
of errant feces.
This will ensure that any
customer who uses our restroom
will never, ever return
to one of our stores.
We ask that you sign a sheet
to verify this gets done
once an hour,
24 times a day.
Uh-oh, tony,
you missed a spot.
Whoa
Now that looks poopy.
I hope you found
this tape informative.
And should you ever
doubt yourself
and consider treating
a customer with respect,
just remember this:
You graduated from
grade school,
and you don't have to
take shit from anyone.
Welcome to the "Popcopy" family,
and congratulations.
Whoop his ass,
whoop his ass!
Whoop his
ass!
"Popcopy"
all right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break,
and I will be back
after these messages.
(cheers & applause)
It's not HBO
It's just
regular-ass TV.
(cheers & applause)
All right, now, look,
a lot of people
might not know this about me,
watching me on TV or whatever
but I'm gonna tell you
something.
I am a huge fan
of the hip-hop music.
And I see a lot of things
in the media
bashing these brothers,
saying that
they're materialistic
and they objectify women,
and I don't appreciate that.
'Cause it's not like women
were objectified
when hip-hop came out.
We've been objectifying women
for centuries.
I'm tired of hip-hop
takin' the rap.
So I did my research,
I did my homework, America.
I have went into the
B.E.T. libraries
and found footage
from early in this century,
as early as 1930,
some stuff from the '50s,
of people objectifying women,
and I'll show it to you tonight
as proof positive
that it happened before hip-hop.
Take a look at your beloved
Nat "King" Cole.
The first Noel
the angels did say
was for certain
poor shepherds
in fields as they lay
thank you all for coming,
another year.
And to you and yours,
a Merry Christmas.
That's an excellent year.
And as for you,
my dear
Happy Holidays,
you triflin' bitch!
Oh, yeah, take that, girl.
Rub it in your breasts
and on your vagina.
Yes, yes, I am horny,
that's sexy TV
King Cole Records
comin' at you.
We sip only the best Dom P.,
because I'm smooth like that.
Peace, you punk bitches.
Come back next year when I puts
a little eggnog in your face.
(cheers & applause)
All right, y'all,
we'll be right back,
we're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
Sit tight for more of
this Chappelle's Show.
But you still said,
not five minutes ago, that
you were afraid I was gonna end
up looking like my mother.
I didn't say that!
Yes, you did!
No, that's not
what I said!
Tired of this
happening to you?
Are you sick of your
friends and family
getting everything
you say all mixed up?
Well, help has arrived.
Don't call me a liar.
I didn't say that!
Oh, no?
No!
Read back
five minutes ago.
Janice: "what are you
saying, Brian?"
Brian: "I am afraid,
I just feel like someday
you might look like
your mom, maybe."
Should I read more?
Oh, no, that's fine,
thank you.
In your face.
I'm gonna go masturbate,
Home Stenographer.
Wanna write that down?
The Home Stenographer.
Now, for a small, one-time fee
plus minor upkeep,
you can have your very own
permanent record keeper,
right in your house.
With the Home Stenographer,
you'll turn any room
into a courtroom.
Read back when that babysitter
told the kids to go to bed.
Young woman: "All right
you little brats,
"go to sleep,
my boyfriend's here,
we're gonna have us
a sex session."
Kids: "We don't
want to go to bed."
Young woman: "Well, you can
watch if you want,
just keep it down."
To the boyfriend:
"Drop your pants, big man."
Well, she's
never coming back.
Thanks, Home Stenographer.
Dude, no matter
how drunk I was,
why would I say that I would
make out with Matt Damon?
I don't know, man,
you said it, though.
There's no way.
Read it back to him.
And now, for those on the go,
the Travel Stenographer.
Backpack sold separately.
"I guess, if it came down to it,
I would bang Ben Affleck."
Oh, my god!
I knew it was
one of those dudes.
You are so gay now!
Stupid dwarf!
Totally gay, 100%.
Home Stenographer
and Travel Stenographer,
available in stores, now.
(announcer)
Available in all Walbogs!
(man) Chappelle's Show, Oww!
Good lord, we're back,
welcome to Chappelle's Show,
I still haven't been
cancelled yet.
But I'm working on it.
And I think this next piece
might be the one to do it.
This is probably
the wildest thing
I've ever done in my career,
and I showed it
to a black friend of mine.
He looked at me like I had
set black people back
with a comedy sketch.
Sorry.
(audience laughing)
Just roll
For the last 15 years,
a man named Clayton Bigsby
has been the leading voice
of the white-supremacist
movement in America.
Though not sold
in any major bookstores,
his books "Dump Truck",
"Nigger Stain",
"I Smell Nigger"
and "Nigger Book"
have sold over 600,000 copies
combined.
Despite his popularity,
very few have ever seen him
due to his reclusiveness.
But in an effort to bring
his message to a wider audience,
he agreed to give his first
public interview ever
to "Frontline".
But, getting to Mr. Bigsby
was an odyssey in itself,
riddled with
back-country hollows,
shifty go-betweens
and palpable danger.
Excuse me.
Not sure we're in
the right place.
We're looking
for Clayton Bigsby.
Well, look no further, fella,
you found him.
Uh, Clayton Bigsby,
the author?
What, you don't think
I can write them books?
Just 'cause I'm blind
don't mean I'm dumb.
(host) How could this have happened?
A black
white supremacist?
Our search for answers
led us here,
to the "Wexler
Home for the Blind",
where Mr. Bigsby spent the first
19 years of his life.
Bridgett Wexler
is the home's headmistress.
Well, he was the only nigra
we'd ever had around here,
so we figured we'd make it
easier on Clayton
by just telling him
and all the other blind kids
that he was white.
And he never
questioned it?
Why would he?
You've written
four books now?
I've written six books,
they've published four.
What would you say
is the overall message
of your books?
Sir, my message is simple.
Niggers, Jews, homosexuals,
Mexicans, Arabs,
and all kinds of
different chinks stink,
and I hate them!
I noticed you referred to n
African-Americans.
What exactly
is your problem?
How much time
you got, buddy?
Where would I start?
Well, first of all,
they're lazy,
good-for-nothing tricksters,
crack-smoking swindlers,
big-butt havin',
wide nose breathin'
all the white man's air.
They eat up all the chicken,
they think they're
the best dancers,
and they stink!
Did I mention
that before?
Yes, I believe you did, sir.
Matter of fact,
my friend Jasper told me
one of them coons
came by his house
to pick his sister up
for a date.
He said, "look here, nigger,
that there's my girl.
Anyone have sex with my
sister, it's gonna be me!"
You've never left
this property,
have you, Mr. Bigsby?
No, sir,
not in many years.
What if I were to tell you
that you are
an African-American?
Sir!
Listen, I'm gonna
make this clear.
I am in no way,
shape, or form
involved in any niggerdom,
you understand?!
Yes, sir, but
but nothing!
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a book signing
to go to.
Why don't you bring
your media cameras over there
if you wanna see
some real truth?!
Prudence!
Prudence, have Jasper
load the truck!
And Clayton Bigsby,
black white supremacist,
ventured out
into an unsuspecting world.
Sir, you're a friend.
Why not tell him he's
African-American?
Listen, man, he's too
important to the movement.
If I tell him he's black,
he'd probably kill hisself
just so there'd be one less
nigger around.
His commitment is that deep.
I'm overwhelmed
by the irony.
(banging)
Uh-oh.
(man)
What, you lost, boy?
(man)
Move on, move on.
We don't like your kind
around here!
You better get out of here
'fore something bad happens.
That's right,
that's right!
Tell that nigger!
Beat it,
you sorry nigger!
Come on, Clayton,
we gotta go.
Oh, Jasper, there's
a nigger around here.
That damn monkey was
beatin' my hood!
White power!
Nigger
The confusion
did not end there.
(hip-hop music)
Hey, why don't you jungle
bunnies turn that music down?!
Nigras make me sick!
Woogie-boogie,
nigger!
Woogie-boogie!
Did he just call us
"niggers"?
Awesome!
The anticipation was at
a fever pitch
as we arrived at
Mr. Bigsby's book signing.
This is the man
who should be
the next president
of the United States!
(cheering)
All right, Jasper,
time to show these people
what white power's
all about.
You better put
your hood on, Clayton,
might wanna hide
your identity.
It'd be safer,
in case some radical
ain't sympathetic to the cause
and wants to shoot you.
That's good thinking,
all right.
I'm gonna
put my hood on.
Here, let me get that.
(man) Without further ado, the man,
who made us
proud to be white,
none other than,
Clayton Bigsby!
Let's hear it!
(cheers & applause)
White power!
Everybody, I have
a lot of things to discuss,
mainly nigras.
America's at war
with Al Qaeda,
but we're still losing the war
against Al Sharpton!
(host) The Asian community
was a target as well.
Let's talk about
Chinese people,
with their Kung Fu
and all that silly
"ching chang chong" talk.
I can't understand you,
go back to your country.
White power.
Mr. Bigsby was also critical
of the entertainment industry.
Don't let the liberal media
tell you how to think and feel.
If you have hate in your heart,
let it out.
If you don't like
Will & Grace,
that don't mean there's
something wrong with you.
It means there's something
wrong with Will!
He's a homosexual.
Politicians
weren't spared either.
White power!
Colin Powell
"Cunnilingus" Rice.
"Cunnilingus" Rice
sounds like a Mexican dish,
maybe we should put her on
a plate and send her to Mexico
so the Mexicans will eat her
white power.
White power!
Just open up your heart
and let that hate out!
(cheers & applause)
Show us your face,
we wanna see your face!
Who said that,
you wanna see my face?
Clayton,
go on, brother.
Do you wanna
see my face?
Don't be afraid, Jasper.
(hollering)
We talked about this
Don't be afraid,
shine your light!
There is cookie and punch
for us to enjoy,
and we can meet,
talk about white brotherhood.
Thank y'all for coming,
white power!
Mr. Bigsby was not harmed
that night,
but irreparable damage has
been done to his reputation
and, in many ways,
to the white-power movement.
We're told that
in the last few weeks,
he has accepted the fact
that he is a black man.
And three days ago,
he filed for divorce
from his wife.
When we asked, "why,
after 19 years of marriage?"
He responded:
"Because she's
a nigger lover."
I'm Kent Wallace,
good night.
(man) Funding for
"Frontline" provided by
the "Trent Lott Foundation"
for peace and understanding.
Loving black people,
one at a time.
That's it!
Thanks for coming out,
I'll see you next week.
I'm rich, bi-atch!
(horn honks)
Hi, thank you.
White power!
That's right, I hate niggers,
but I love skateboards.
Bye, niggers, bye-bye!
Oh, okay, y'know what
I'm doing wrong, apparently?
I keep talking to y'all
and I'm supposed to
talk to the TV audience.
That's very hard, to ignore
the hundreds of people
in front of me
and just pay attention to
the theoretical motherfuckers
that may or may not watch
the show for all I know.
They might have
already turned it off.
"White power my
pssht.
"That's white power,
I have the power
to change the station."