Chelsea Does (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [classical music playing.]
- [all laughing.]
- [Chelsea.]
Oh, my God.
Well, I have somebody in my life that you're not completely comfortable with.
- [Chelsea.]
Your gay friend? - Sid.
[laughs.]
- [all laughing.]
- My son.
My son.
- Our relationship.
- [Jason.]
Yep.
[Jenny.]
Well, I have actually three players.
I have my poodle, my son, and then my lesbian.
So, there are a lot of You have a lot of competition.
- I have my work cut out for me.
- But it keeps Yeah, it keeps it fun for you, exciting for you.
Is "fun" the word? "Exciting"? - Keeps you on your toes.
- [all chuckling.]
You never feel like you fully have me, right? Obviously, that's your intent.
Look at Jenny.
Jenny is such a psychopath.
- [Jason.]
I mean, a psychopath, actually.
- I mean She is.
- Yeah.
- She just loves it.
It's amazing.
- [Jenny.]
It's a slightly twisted dynamic.
- Yeah, loves it.
I mean, you must be scared, honestly, being married to her.
'Cause you don't know.
Like, one day, she could really lose it.
- [Jason.]
Yeah.
- And then, what are you gonna do? And then, you'll just have your baby.
You're gonna have to raise him by yourself.
She could move to Morocco.
By the way, I've heard of worse scenarios.
[stammers.]
Well, Jenny you wanted to be married though, right? - Yes.
- Like, you did.
Well, you know, we were dating, and then we got pregnant, and then we kind of were secretly engaged, but I didn't take it - [Jason.]
Before you got pregnant.
- Before I got pregnant.
But I didn't take it seriously because he proposed with earrings, and I thought it was just one of those, like, "We just had sex" "We just had sex.
" Like, "Sure, I'll marry you" type of things.
- I've never, ever, like, had that feeling.
- [woman.]
Yeah.
- Ever.
- No.
To be like, "Oh, my God, I wanna be in a wedding dress, - and I wanna walk down an aisle.
" - [woman.]
Right.
Yeah.
Like, that to me is almost like nausea It's like, nausea inducing.
But I'm questioning things, like, about it that I never did before.
And I'm curious about how people make, like, you know how people make things work like that.
I mean, you guys have been married for 20 years.
[Cindy.]
Twenty-five.
I can't believe you have been married for 25 years.
I've been married for half my life.
- Whoa! - [Chelsea.]
Wow, that's crazy.
But doesn't that make you more in love? Yes, it does.
- Most days.
- [all laughing.]
Right? Love is a funny thing, that you can look at somebody and wanna stick a knife in their throat at one moment, and then sort of, like, just get googly-eyed [Jenny.]
And then you're like, "Let's go to dinner.
" [Jason.]
And then wanna stick a dick in their throat the next.
- [all laughing.]
- Yeah.
So weird that way, isn't it? - [Brian.]
It is very weird that way.
- Yeah.
Not necessarily your dick.
[Jason.]
Not my dick, necessarily.
- [Jenny.]
Just "a" dick.
- [Jason.]
But "a" dick.
[Cindy.]
Oh, my God.
[jazz music playing.]
- [David.]
I was working in the kosher deli.
- [Molly.]
Yeah.
[David.]
Slicing meat, and her mother came in.
And said, "I got a daughter.
" She's like, "I know this sounds crazy.
I met this guy and he works at the deli.
" And I was like, "What?" [chuckles.]
- "No, thanks.
" - "Can I give him your number?" "No, and you shouldn't call me ever again, either, Mom.
This is ridiculous.
" [Brian.]
We met online, as, I think, everyone our age does.
When he walked in on the first date There's always a spectrum, when you're online, of like, the great picture and the not-so-great picture.
And he was on and further than the great picture.
[laughing.]
When the plane was landing there was a little feeling, like, "Why did I get into this?" Like, "Come on, I didn't have to do it.
" Like, "I'm getting married to a girl whom I've never seen.
" And I tapped him at the back, you know.
[laughs.]
And when he turned, and he said, "You're a little tall.
" [laughs.]
And then I was wearing heels, like, that big, so I just opened my heels right there, in front of everybody, and I said, "No, no, look, I'm perfect.
" [laughs.]
- Yeah.
- So he's like, "I like the way you are.
" [Chelsea.]
Can anybody tell me here what marriage is? [girl 1.]
Marriage is when you love.
[Chelsea.]
Right.
Right.
And then you become what? [girl 2.]
A family.
Yeah.
Do you want to get married when you get older? - Yeah.
- You do? I do.
- You're already engaged? - [girl 3.]
Yeah.
Who is the lucky man? My cousin who lives in Vancouver.
- Okay, but it's your cousin, right? - Yeah.
Okay, you're gonna find out later that it's not that easy to marry your cousin.
[softly.]
Yeah.
And, even if he is Canadian, things like that don't happen in the United States.
So, that's something you're gonna wanna bring up to your parents as soon as you get home today, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
What about you? Sometimes, you don't get married if you have too much work to do.
I'm glad you brought that up, because I'm not married.
And how old do you all think that I am? Twenty? That's right.
Anyone else? - Do you know what Tinder is? - No.
Do you know any older male friends that you have that you could set me up with? [boy.]
No.
- What about Batman? - [all.]
Yes.
- You know Batman? - Mmm-hmm.
Well, then, what's the problem? It's so hard dating at my age.
I'm busy, I work, I'm famous, I live with a lesbian.
It's like my life is a complete, kind of Like, it's all over the map.
So it's really hard for me to meet a guy.
Maybe you don't remember.
- How to find someone? - Yeah.
Or maybe it could take a long, long time to try to find someone.
Do you guys think, and I really want your honest opinions, do you think, as a 40-year-old I mean, I can get up and show you my body and stuff.
Do you think that I am too old to get married? [all.]
No.
Okay.
And you think that I have a decent figure? - [all.]
Yes.
- Thank you.
I know.
[Chelsea.]
Here we go.
[Brian.]
How old was your father when he got married? - [Chelsea.]
He was, like, 30, 35? - Okay.
Now, when he talks about it, he says it's the most romantic love story of all time, but that's what he does.
- It was romantic.
- [Brian.]
He was a romantic guy.
He wrote poetry and he traveled - Yeah, yeah.
- And everything like that.
So I mean, I've read the poetry, so, you know [all laughing.]
[Chelsea.]
But, no.
I mean, he was romantic.
He's like, "I've always wanted to not marry an American girl.
I just knew I didn't want an American.
I wanted someone who is European.
" And then, I was like, "Oh, I only like to fuck foreigners, too.
" And then my brother is married to a Russian.
He's like, "The only thing my dad said was, 'Do not marry an American girl.
'" So I'm like, "Oh, so it's totally in the family.
" - [Jenny.]
Oh, God! - And we all have jungle fever.
[all laughing.]
[Chelsea.]
Mone, where are the glasses? Over here? Oh, got it.
[Simone.]
Well, Mom and Dad's marriage is worth talking about.
I would just describe it as a wonderful random intersection.
- A German Mormon marrying an American Jew.
- Well, yeah.
It was random and it was, you know He fell in love with her at first sight.
- Right.
- And that was it.
Like, when we were teenagers, they were still sort of chasing having afternoon, you know, sex upstairs and - You would just hear her go, "Seymour.
" - [Chelsea.]
Ugh.
- [chuckling.]
Gross.
- [Simone laughs.]
- So gross.
- Yes.
Do you remember when you told Dad that you were getting an annulment? And you were like, "It's just not gonna work out.
" - You were upset, and Dad said to you - [Simone.]
I remember being there.
He goes, "What you're looking for is to marry a girl like Chelsea, and Chelsea's not the type of girl you marry.
" [Simone chuckles.]
- I mean, how could you say that? - [Simone.]
I know.
- I mean, I wasn't probably even 17.
- [Simone.]
Yeah, well [door opens.]
- [Simone.]
Yeah, look who's here! - [Glen.]
Oh, my God.
- [Simone.]
It's the big man.
- [walker rattles.]
[Chelsea.]
Hi.
[laughs.]
You got spruced up.
- [Seymour.]
Is that you? - Yeah, it's me.
Hi.
- I love you.
- Hi.
- I miss you.
- [laughs.]
I'm right here.
[Simone.]
Come on in.
You're tough.
You're tough.
[Chelsea.]
You're strong.
[Chelsea.]
Why did you marry Mom? I followed her around the shopping center.
Like a stalker.
- A stalker, yeah.
- [Simone.]
Yeah.
[Seymour.]
The way she walked.
- She had these beautiful football legs - [Simone chuckles.]
And I finally found her - working at the ski shop.
- [Glen laughing.]
And so, I went in there and ordered a size 13 socks.
[Glen.]
Sounds like you're sending a message.
[all chuckling.]
[Seymour.]
She was very good looking.
From the back, you mean? So we went for a cup of coffee.
- Did you guys have sex right away? - [Simone chuckles.]
No.
Before you got here, we were talking about how sexually active you guys were.
Like, way into your marriage.
You wanna Well, I liked your mother a lot.
[laughing.]
Good.
Would you have any concern that you know, "Where were the children - or what were the children doing?" - Yeah.
And what was the answer from your beloved Rita? - "Don't worry about it.
" - [all laughing.]
That sounds about right.
Do you think Mom was the love of your life? - I don't know about that.
- [all laugh.]
- Great.
- Really? - [Shoshanna.]
That's wonderful to hear.
- Really? Who was the love of your life if it wasn't Mom? I don't know.
- [Chelsea.]
Well - Still to come.
- [both laughing.]
- Post script.
Have you ever met anybody that you thought would be a good pairing for me? - No.
- [all laughing.]
Wait, think about it.
Yeah, he'd need a very good sense of humor.
Have you liked any of the guys I dated, ever? You met Curtis, right? Didn't he meet 50 Cent? [Simone.]
Did he meet Curtis? Yeah, maybe at your house.
- [Chelsea.]
At my show? - [Glen.]
50 Cent? [Chelsea.]
Did you meet him? What'd you think? - Not much.
- [Simone.]
Oh! [Simone chuckles.]
What about Ted? Remember Ted? Remember I dated Ted? Slightly.
Peter, remember British Peter? Did you like him? Eh, probably a little bit.
Hi.
Hi! Now I've probably messed up your makeup there.
No, it's okay.
They can fix it.
On camera.
- Hi.
- This is me and my first boyfriend.
- Was I your first? - No, not really.
- So your first - But my first love-boyfriend.
Aw, thanks, Chelsea.
That's nice.
[Chelsea.]
Look! How handsome! - That's cute! - Yeah, I used to be handsome, didn't I? - [Chelsea.]
You are handsome.
- [Peter.]
Thank you.
- God, I look fat.
- No, you don't.
- This is Peter trying to be romantic.
- See? Where are you? You're just trying to keep apart.
- You're not trying to be romantic.
- [laughs.]
- Right? - Peter loved my boob - You love my boobs.
[laughs.]
- They are nice.
Well, they were.
- They are! - I don't know if they still are.
They are.
They're all over Instagram.
You can see them.
- Yeah.
Are they? - Yeah.
I was 20 and you were 32.
- Thirty-one.
- Okay.
And I was a waitress at a restaurant called Rosti.
And he came in, and I had a big crush on him.
Like, a big crush, where I would fake phone calls and stuff, when you came in.
Yeah, stole She actually stole a baseball cap that I had that belonged to my girlfriend at the time, so it was really kind of awkward.
I felt as though she imposed herself upon me.
[Peter.]
It was a drunken relationship, really, wasn't it? Well, most of the time.
And then, when we were I don't even think of it that way.
I just think of it [laughing.]
I actually think of it as a calm period in my life.
Well, you were a handful, to be honest.
You had to clean up after her, pick things up after her.
I'd go, "Chelsea, don't do that.
Don't leave it there.
Don't do this, please.
" Right? Yeah.
No, it was more like he was like a parent-boyfriend.
[Peter.]
It's a very obvious statement, but she's a very funny girl to be with.
[laughs.]
I mean, she's funnier off-camera, off-screen, you know.
And another thing I think as well, the family ties were really strong.
So different, though.
Your family's so different.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
Every one of them is just a different personality.
[man.]
Did you think that she was gonna get married and have kids or what? Well, Chelsea used to love children.
And I really thought that she would be a great mother.
And, you know, it's kind of surprising that she isn't a mother now, because she used to love children.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
When we would go back to Martha's Vineyard, and Jake would be there, she would just love him so much.
- Because he was my first nephew.
- Yeah.
Like, he was my first That was, like, when I coined the phrase "nugget," 'cause I was like, he was so fat and, like, a bucket of fun, and I just couldn't get enough of him.
I love babies.
I love cute, fun personalities and stuff.
I just never, ever felt, ever, to have wanted my own.
Yeah, that wasn't the impression I got.
- Really? - I mean, you really loved children.
Yeah.
It's nice to hear him saying this, because you don't think that somebody's watching you all the time.
And, it's like, it's nice to hear.
You're like, "Oh, you were looking at me when I was playing with babies.
That's cute.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
[Chelsea.]
Oh, look, this is a lesbian wedding.
So they have lesbian weddings.
They have a girl wears the dress and one of the girls wears a suit.
- Karen, are you listening to me? - Yes.
If two lesbians get married, why does one have to dress like a man and one dresses like a woman? Then they're just trying to pretend like they're a regular One of them's lipstick.
I know, but why can't they just both be girls and lesbians? - Why do they have to - That happens sometimes.
- Two girly girls are together? - Yeah.
What would you do? I wouldn't do anything.
I wouldn't ever have a wedding.
I couldn't.
How could I take that seriously? Nobody would take that seriously.
If I invited them, they would think it was a joke.
I'm just trying to understand why people do this.
I think they do it because that's what they've been taught, has been put in their head.
They're supposed to.
They're programmed.
[Chelsea.]
Would you wear a wedding dress like this? I have worn a wedding dress like that, Chelsea.
[laughing.]
Oh, yeah! In case you forgot.
- Oh, my God, I did forget.
- Yeah.
[laughing.]
[Chelsea.]
I mean, I don't actually have a wedding yet to plan, but I do want to know as much information as I can possibly get, because you never know when that could happen for me.
Whatever you wish, want, need, or desire.
- Everything.
You've got everything here? - Okay.
I have everything.
But it all starts with the idea.
It starts with you, like, you're the DNA.
- Mmm-hmm.
- And then my design approach is I add to that what you smell, touch, taste, feel or hear.
And we take you on this magical journey, as long as great taste prevails.
- Yeah.
Great taste, excellent, excellent.
- Yeah.
I've written probably eight books on the subject.
- Oh, wow! - And I love weddings.
- I mean, they're happy occasions.
- Good for you.
When you think about it, I get paid well to spend other people's money, making everybody happy.
- Yeah, exactly.
There you go.
- Right? Usually, the bride's first thing is a dress.
- Okay.
So you take care of dresses, too? - I take care of everything.
How much are wedding dresses like these? I mean, what's the range? - $6,000 to $25,000.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- $25,000 on a dress? Feel the weight of this.
Yeah, that's a little J-Lo-y.
- Feel that? - Yeah, yeah.
Do you know anything about me, and what my tastes are or anything? - Yes.
Yeah, absolutely.
- Like, just from Yeah I've watched.
I have a pretty good idea of what you like.
Okay, so if it was, like, a shotgun wedding, or like I met somebody, and I was like "Okay, you know what, I wanna do this," how much time do you need? Six weeks, minimum.
Six months is comfortable.
- Nine months is ideal.
Yeah.
- So, it's like a baby.
- Planning for a baby, almost.
- Yeah.
If you wanna get married in St.
Barts or somewhere in the Caribbean Do you like St.
Barts? Yeah, it's a great I think it's an amazing island.
- Yeah.
I think it's a little trashy.
- Yeah? Well, it depends what time of the year you're there.
Is that negligée? - I mean, are those negligées? - Yes, yes.
You take care of that? So this is what I designed if I was to do a wedding for you.
Well, I would never wear negligee, first of all.
I mean, I can't take myself that seriously.
Like, I couldn't put on lingerie.
I would just - Yeah, but isn't that gorgeous? - Yeah.
- It is sexy, though, isn't it? - Are you straight? - Ish.
- Yeah, right.
- Is this a dildo? - Yes, it's a Oh, dear.
And it's black.
- That's very on the nose.
- Isn't it amazing? - Yeah, that is.
- As a bouquet? That's awful.
- Oh, my God, it's a bouquet? - Yes, it's a bouquet.
With a bit of weed, so you can sage the guests.
Are those supposed to be testicles? No, no, marijuana.
So, it starts with the bouquets, you know.
You're gonna end with picking place settings It's about the detail that goes into it.
What are nontraditional activities to do at a wedding? Like, is there anything that people are doing? Like, games or stuff that they play at weddings? - Like a bounce house.
- What's a bounce house? A bounce house is when you get in I mean, it's fun.
You have to be tipsy, if you're an adult, to be in a bounce house, obviously.
- Okay, sure.
- Or a molester.
Okay, well, thank you very much.
This has been very educational.
So I just have an idea now of what I don't really have an idea, but at least I know somebody can take care of it if need be.
But the one thing we do know is that if you do get married, you need to find a man who can afford both you and me.
[laughing.]
Right.
[Chelsea.]
People pretending to be excited for you to get you to buy things makes me sick.
I hate industries, like, related to anything like that.
Like, it's very insincere.
- You have lipstick on your teeth again.
- Well, what am I gonna do about it? Just stop Go like this with your lips when you talk.
[laughing.]
How about now? Don't you know the trick? [both smacking lips.]
- Copy that.
- [Mary laughs.]
[man.]
How did you two realize that you "got" each other? Like, how did you get close? Um, I think She was on my show and her publicist was my publicist, and he still is both of our publicists.
And so, I thought that was funny.
And then the next night, - we went to a women's event.
- Yeah.
- It was, like, Women in Film.
- Like, it was just, like, a vagina room.
And then we went outside and I think I smoked a cigarette, and you told me, "I love cigarettes.
I love cigarettes.
I had to quit, but I love the smell.
Blow it in my face.
" - And then we were friends.
- That's all it takes.
I've since quit smoking.
Just FYI.
In case my future husband's watching.
[Mary laughing.]
But I was against weddings.
I was against marriage.
I told my husband, when we met, I would never marry him.
But if he was hip to just sort of hang out, I was in.
And then, he agreed and we were together for three years.
And then, one day, on my birthday, he just said, "You know, even though you're never gonna be my wife, in my mind, I want you to know, you're my wife.
" And I was like, "Oh, all right.
Well, let's get married.
" Like, it was as simple as that.
But for us, we already felt married.
We had a house.
We were gonna have kids.
It meant something to him, and then And then it meant something to me.
It sort of became really sweet.
We had a kegger.
It was fun.
[man.]
And, Mary, you were saying, like, you didn't have a bachelorette party.
Like, you didn't do that stuff? No.
I didn't have that, no.
[funk music playing.]
[Mary.]
What is the bride's name? - It's either It's either - You don't know her name.
- [laughs.]
No, no, no.
It's either Kara - Okay, I copy.
I'll ask.
Or Karen.
- It's okay, don't worry about it.
- Okay.
[women cheering.]
[indistinct chatter.]
I wanna make you a toast at your bachelorette party, for having all of your girlfriends gather around you and spend this nice weekend with you, and I wish you a beautiful day and a beautiful honeymoon, and beautiful children, and then a happy divorce.
- [women cheering.]
- [woman 1.]
As long as it's a happy one.
- [woman 2.]
To the divorce! - [all.]
Cheers! [Chelsea.]
Did you always wanna get married? It was, like, my 18th birthday party, or I was 17 and just getting ready to turn 18.
- Okay.
- And I saw him.
And I'm like, "Oh, my gosh, he has an accent and he's so handsome.
" - He's Brazilian.
- He's Brazilian.
- Eduardo was Carrie's first.
- [Chelsea.]
Okay.
First love, first everything and the one she's marrying.
- So that's pretty special.
- That's nice.
[woman 1.]
Raise your hand if you're married.
- Raise your hand.
- Look at all the married women.
- I'm happy to be married.
- [woman 2.]
Absolutely.
- [Mary.]
At 22? - I love my husband.
[woman 2.]
Absolutely.
You're really newlywed.
I think part of the reason I would never have contemplated getting married, previous to this age, is because I didn't want to, like, buy into all of this.
- Like, I feel like it's an industry.
- [women exclaim.]
I can appreciate it You shut your face.
I can appreciate it, but I have the personality for divorce.
So, if I've waited this long, maybe I'll be with somebody.
Even if I meet them at 45, maybe I'll be with them for 20 years, and that just cut out all that other bullshit in my life.
[woman.]
She needs a shot.
[Mary.]
Cheers, thanks for having us, you guys.
- Thank you for having us.
It's very sweet.
- Thank you for coming.
[Mary.]
Yikes.
- [woman 1.]
All right.
- [woman 2.]
Good stuff.
Mama's off duty.
What was that? [slow opera music playing.]
[inaudible.]
[opera music continues.]
[birds chirping.]
This is the most famous place in Vegas, right? - The Little White Chapel? - That's what they say, yeah.
Right.
'Cause you married, like, all these movie stars? All these movie stars, yeah.
Bruce Willis, Demi Moore Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward? A whole bunch of people.
- Now we're gonna marry these stars.
- [man.]
Really? [Charolette.]
They're renewing their vows.
[Chelsea.]
Oh, did something happen? [woman.]
No.
Oh, great.
And you're renewing your vows just because you're happy to be - [woman.]
Twenty-two years, so - [man.]
Yeah.
Is that the magic number? - [Chelsea.]
So, this is the drive-through? - This is the drive-through.
It's the first drive-up wedding window in the world.
Do you also serve burgers and fries here, if you're hungry? - No, we serve love.
- [laughs.]
- Okay, yeah, you're full of love.
- Love.
- You really are.
- Yeah.
Love.
I've had some experience trying on real wedding dresses, and they don't agree with my skin type or body.
Okay.
That color reminds me of, like, summer whore, so I would never wear that, so maybe I should.
So this is happening.
If I got married, I would totally wear boots like this under my dress by the way, 'cause I just think it's a good way to say, "Fuck this.
" You don't know how many brides wear boots under their dress.
- Oh, really? - All the time.
I thought I was so original.
[snorts.]
Wow, that's so stupid on me.
- I mean, I'm not I don't know.
- [laughing.]
- Well, I mean, it doesn't - Do you still wear the veil over? Like, can you put it over your face? Do people do that? What does that signify, that you're a virgin or something? Uh, somebody's giving you away, so - Oh, like my father.
- Right.
Yeah, well, forget that.
I give myself away.
- Okay, cute.
- You think? [Charolette chuckling.]
- You are absolutely beautiful.
- How cute is this? - Oh, my good - I feel like a girl.
Well, you are a beautiful angel as far as I can tell.
- You can't tell that.
I'm not an angel.
- You are.
You must've been a beautiful angel You must've been a beautiful child 'Cause when you were only starting to go to kindergarten I bet you drove the little boys - Wild.
Wild.
- Wild.
- Or loud.
- Come here! This is - Who's this? Your boyfriend? - This isn't Oh, your boyfriend? No, your boyfriend.
I was just kidding.
No, this is one of the ministers that works here.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm Chelsea.
- I'm Pastor Michael - So nice to meet you.
- I'm not getting married.
- I'm just playing around.
- He is married.
- You are.
I'm sure you are.
- I'm already.
- Yes.
- Thirty-two years.
- Thirty-two years, congratulations.
- Well, thank you.
That's a long time.
What do you say the secret is to marriage? - True love.
- Really? The willingness for the husband to acknowledge that his wife is always right.
- Gotcha.
- [Charolette.]
Yeah.
[Chelsea.]
"Rules for a Happy Marriage.
" "Number six, neglect the whole world rather than each other.
" - That's nice.
- [Charolette.]
Yes.
"Number eight, at least once every day, try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner.
" - Absolutely.
- Yeah, let's try it together.
Your skin is beautiful.
Now you say something to him.
- You know what? - [Michael chuckles.]
I'm so glad I know you, very handsome man.
And I know you must have a very beautiful wife, and - You've never met his wife? - I've never met her yet.
You've been working together for 30 years? Well, not He hasn't worked here for 30 years.
He's been married 30 years.
Well, you guys should go out together, the three of you.
- Get to know each other.
- [laughs.]
Oh, actually, that's not the right thing to do.
I mean, he has a wife to go home to.
And that's where he belongs.
I would never take another man, another woman, in my life, because I don't need one.
I need to be here to marry people and help them on a beautiful path of love together.
Okay, so now you say something nice to me.
- Well, you have very lovely skin.
- Thank you.
- Beautiful blue eyes.
- Great.
That worked out great.
And I like your very light-hearted spirit.
Oh, thank you.
Um, "Number ten, it takes two to make a quarrel and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.
" - Yeah, that's good.
- That's true.
- That is true.
- Yes.
Can you see the benefits of committing to one person long-term? I can see myself actually getting married at this point.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- I just I never felt that way.
If you are interested in somebody, do you tend to get, um, skittish because, "This is somebody I care about, and now I'm not sure I can fully let them in because they might leave"? - Yeah, total abandonment issues.
- Abandonment issues? I mean, I think I've played such a mindfuck on myself that I don't even know what I feel half the time.
Like, I'm trying to play this persona of being like, "It's cool.
Everything's cool.
I'm cool with everything," and then I start acting like, you know, a ten-year-old girl that's about to, like, lose everything.
Well, have you ever let somebody fully in? Yeah, absolutely.
And what was that like for you? I was, like, 29, and I had a boyfriend for four years, who was my boss and we lived together, and over time I mean, I really was in love with him, and then over time, I was like, you know, he just started to annoy me.
Mmm.
When every little thing they do annoys you.
Like, when they start to eat, and the way they chew annoys you.
That, to me, is like, "Okay, you gotta get the hell out of there.
" And that was the only time I've ever lived with a man.
Part of being in a successful relationship, and certainly in a marriage, is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to see each other's warts and insecurities and human frailties, because everybody's gonna come with their stuff that you're gonna have to accept.
So you think that's gonna be hard for you? I definitely feel more mature in that sense.
Like, I can actually look at a person and be like, "That's a really good person," and be attracted to them for that, more so than being turned off by other little things.
- Okay, okay.
- Like their shoes.
Mmm-hmm.
And you think you would choose more wisely than you have in the past? - Yes, I think so.
I hope so.
- Yeah.
I mean, if I'm 40 and I'm still dating idiots, then obviously Then I don't deserve to be in a relationship anyway.
[Adam.]
One of the secrets of marriage is being completely comfortable - to fart around each other if you need to.
- I would say, "Or dance naked.
" Or dance naked.
But, for me, working on a long-term relationship and long-term happiness is to You know, Adam likes to say, "You're my favorite.
" And there are some times where he'll say that, and I'll be like, "Well, right now, you're not my favorite.
" [laughing.]
And I have to get back to that.
My job, as a husband, is to get back to, "You're my favorite.
" That, for me, is the work of marriage.
[Rich.]
I actually told a friend of mine, "See that girl over there?" And I said, "I'm gonna marry her someday.
" And we did.
His friend came over and told me, "Hey, Cookie, you know Rich.
He says he's gonna marry you someday.
" I said, "Get out of here.
I don't even know him!" [laughs.]
And how long have you both been together? Fifty-one years, three months and 17 days.
For some people, that's like three marriages.
[all laughing.]
What do you attribute that to? Respect.
Respecting each other.
What do you mean by respect, exactly? [Rich.]
Since we've been married, I never came home from work, or from being out, and saw her not dressed with her makeup on, her hair done, ready to greet her husband.
What? How is that possible? I knew he got home from work at 7:30.
I would have the kids ready for bed, I would have the table set, with candles lit, nice romantic dinner for the two of us.
And to me, that was very important to do that for him.
Yeah, but makeup and hair and all that done.
[Chelsea.]
Yeah, that's long gone.
- [Cookie.]
Yes.
I know.
- That's not happening, right.
- It's long gone.
- No.
[Chelsea.]
Because, when I hear that, and I can tell that you're a wonderful couple, but I hear that and I'm like [clicks tongue.]
"I'm not doing that for anybody," you know? "He better love me whether I have makeup on or not.
" - [Cookie.]
But you know what? - But she still does it.
But it kept the romance in our relationship.
Yeah, no, it's a great point, I mean And that to me is very important.
- [Cookie.]
For 51 years.
- Wow, that's pretty romantic.
Or the opposite.
[all laughing.]
This is a little strange, but we talked about respect, and there's something very minor the toilet seat.
Whenever I'm finished, I put the toilet seat down.
Whenever Mary is finished, - she puts the toilet seat up.
- [all chuckle softly.]
And, to me, that's The ultimate respect is to say, "I'm doing this for you.
" That's sweet.
All right, good to know.
[all laughing.]
[Chelsea.]
My two ultimate physical guys are Eric Bana and Clive Owen.
Eric Bana, I think, is beautiful.
I love that physical look and I love that What do you mean, "that physical look"? Everyone has a - You mean you like his looks? Right.
Copy.
- His physical look.
What do you mean, what do I mean by I thought you meant, like, physical.
Like, "Let's get physical.
" [laughing.]
- I was like, he's sort of normal.
- Really? Is that what you thought? Well, I didn't know what you meant.
[man.]
But you want that, you know, with a guy that's also curious, smart, funny.
You know what I mean? Like, you know, it's a whole package.
Yeah.
No, he has to be smart.
And also, like, really respectful.
You know, ultimately, which is something Mary always says is, you want somebody to look after you.
Like, you want somebody to care for you.
Like, you want somebody to be worried about where you are, - or what you're doing.
- Checking if you got home.
And checking in and making sure things are okay.
That is really important.
I mean, sometimes you'll say, "I would like to have sex.
" - Yes, and penetration.
- That's different.
That's different.
I would like to be penetrated.
- That's not a secret.
- That's a separate issue.
That is a separate issue.
Completely separate issue.
It's been a long time.
[Chelsea.]
Thank you, guys, for coming over to my house.
[Cristina.]
Absolutely.
[Andrea.]
It's beautiful.
So, are you guys a couple? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Oh, really? - [Andrea.]
A real one.
- A happily married couple.
- A real couple? How long have you guys been a couple? - [Andrea.]
From 2004.
- [Cristina.]
Yeah.
Okay, and did you meet on a matchmaking site? - No.
- No, we didn't.
I've never done anything like this 'cause I always think matchmaking is super gay.
- You know what I mean? - Sure.
But I really wanna make an effort to try to find somebody.
People who hire matchmakers are generally catches.
They're like you.
They're busy professionals.
They're fit.
They have interesting lives.
They just don't have the time.
They don't wanna put themselves online, and they wanna do something a little more organic and private and customized.
So, you're amongst, you know, a good group of people who are looking for the same.
Would you say you have a type? I like guys, dark guys.
Dark.
Yeah.
I'll always go out with dark-haired guys.
Beards, I like beards.
I'm open to dating a foreign guy.
You know, you're my only foreign reference right now, so I'm just gonna, you know - Eric Bana.
You know him? - Okay.
- Sure.
- Australian.
That is my ideal man.
He's fucking masculine.
He's foreign.
I mean, he's Australian, so that's not a huge bonus, but I like him.
- And he's just rugged.
- Right.
And he's a sweet guy, he's been with his wife forever.
And he's in in love with her.
He's devoted.
- You know, that kinda guy is sexy to me.
- Okay.
You know, I would need to date somebody who's not in AA or any of that shit.
- I'm not interested in that, at all.
- Okay.
Boring, boring.
Like, for me, it's not gonna work out.
- So that's not on the table.
- Okay, okay.
It's information you need to know, obviously, right? Absolutely.
That's called a deal breaker.
How do I say this without sounding like a total cunt? Like, I don't like fat people.
- I don't like fat on a guy.
- Right.
Right.
- You know what I mean? - I got it.
- I'm trying to be as honest as possible.
- You should.
- Absolutely.
You have to.
- And I'm not perfect.
My body is not great.
I have cellulite.
I can show you if you want.
Later, but this is definitely something that, you know, is important to know.
I know.
I want somebody who's better looking than me.
I think that a woman want from a man that the man have to be strong, but when I touch you, you want that I'm sweet.
Strong and sweet.
Strong and sweet, sweet and strong.
Same quality, switched.
- Yeah.
- Got it.
Can you describe your love life in five words? Not happening.
Let's use that as one word.
- Okay.
- Not happening right now.
And this is Chunk.
This is also Chunk doesn't like any men in my bed at all.
But that's not something I'm gonna lead with, FYI.
- [Cristina.]
Okay, please don't.
- Yeah.
Are you my lover? Are you my lover? This is my sex life, actually.
- I mean, I don't do that.
- Well, okay.
Hey, we're open-minded.
- But he does sleep in my bed.
Yeah.
- That's good, that's good.
[laughs.]
That's great.
You're doing great.
Like, what's fun for you? - What's - I love social stuff.
Like, I love my friends, and I love to have people at my house.
I can't deal with monotony or the same thing every day.
That's actually Stellar Hitch's main philosophy.
- What's Stellar Hitches? - Stellar Hitch is our company.
- That's the name? - [Cristina.]
Yeah.
- [Andrea.]
Stellar Hitch.
- Stellar Hitch? - [Cristina.]
Yeah.
Stellar Hitch is - That sounds like a towing company.
- No offense, but, I mean - [Cristina.]
No one's ever said that.
[stammering.]
Stellar Hitch? Where did you come up with that name? Uh just free association.
It stuck.
- Stellar Hitch.
I get it, okay.
- Stellar Hitch.
Yeah, stellar and hitch.
Do you have people that you have in your service that you think would be appropriate for me? We actually have a few.
But if I'm not interested in them, and I do wanna have sex with them, and I'm not interested in taking it further, I'm allowed to do that, right? - [Andrea mumbling.]
- I'm not gonna get disqualified from this, or, like, you're gonna cut me off or something? Or, like, I get in trouble, right? I'm not gonna get in trouble? No, you're not You're not gonna get in trouble - with us, no.
- No, not with us.
You just gotta make sure you have a good time.
- Okay, cool.
- That's it.
- This is gonna be good.
I'm into it.
- Okay.
Good, I'm excited too.
Yay.
[Molly.]
We're definitely on the Modern Orthodox side of things.
But the "doing it through the sheet" is a myth.
- I mean, we do it 'cause it's fun.
- We do it 'cause it's wacky and wild.
- Lots of fun.
Crazy.
- Yeah.
Rubber sheet.
Yeah, we eat bacon through a sheet.
We can do whatever we want.
Anything you wanna do that's not allowed, - if you do it through a sheet - It's okay.
- It's totally okay.
Yeah.
- It's amazing.
- So, like, murder is okay through a sheet.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Um, infidelity through a sheet is great.
- Done.
So, does everybody here wanna get married? - [girl 1.]
No.
- [girl 2.]
Yeah.
Who said no? You said no? Why? I don't know.
I don't think it's as necessary as it used to be.
I mean, I know it's traditional and stuff, but like, I think I kinda wanna be my own person and not have to rely on someone else.
That's how I feel.
Like, I feel Like, I've grown up never ever wanting to be married.
Maybe when I was a little kid, I mean, like, envisioned, you know, bringing my kids to carpool or something.
And then I grew up and realized I didn't really want kids.
Is anybody here dating? Does anybody have a - [girl 3.]
I have a boyfriend.
- You have a boyfriend? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Is it serious? Yeah.
I'd say so.
Have you ever experienced being jealous? Um sort of.
But, you know, I know I just have to trust him.
Like, he's gonna do what he's gonna do and, like, I can't control that.
But, you know, there's nothing you can do if he finds another girl attractive.
- How old are you? - I'm 12.
Wow, that's impressive.
What about you? Do you think your parents are really happy with each other? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
And if they weren't happy, would you be okay if they got divorced? - No, I wouldn't.
- You wouldn't be okay.
- You would want them to stay together? - Yeah.
- Even if they were unhappy? - Uh-huh.
- That's the problem with kids.
- Right.
What is the most common thing that married people fight about? For my parents, it's doing the dishes.
Yeah, they fight about that? Not like "fight," but they sometimes are like, "You can do the dishes.
" "No, you can do the dishes.
" - Do you ever do the dishes? - [laughing.]
No.
- Well, jump in.
- [girl laughing.]
To me, don't feel offended by this, but you kinda seem kind of a shy person.
But if you want a guy for you, you should get out there more, and express your feelings, more happiness, instead of just, like, sitting alone.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay, well, you're right.
- So I should get myself out there more and not sit alone.
So, thank you.
What do you think about marriage between three people? I feel I feel like it's more Like, the tradition is two people, but if three people really love each other, then it's their choice to get married or not.
[whipping.]
Now, when you're working with somebody, you use a flogger to actually warm them up so you don't traumatize their skin too bad.
And then, so, after they're nice and warm, - you can switch to heavier stuff.
- [whip cracks.]
- [Chelsea exclaims.]
- Like whips.
Oh, my God.
[whips crack loudly.]
[man.]
After the Can you just hit me on the ass lightly with that? I just wanna see what that is.
Just very lightly.
I just wanna see what that sensation feels like.
[woman.]
Wait, use this one.
- [man.]
On your ass? - Yeah.
Okay, got it.
Got it.
Okay.
Just wondering.
I just noticed that picture up there, and that is a photograph that I would never want anyone to ever take of me.
That's so disgusting to me.
Like, I don't ever want the back part of my vagina showing through my legs.
- [man.]
Oh, the lady lump part? - Yeah, that grosses me out.
Well, who wants to see the back of a vagina? [woman.]
Well, that's [Chelsea.]
I mean, nobody - People barely wanna see the front of it.
- I never bother with Anyway, something to think about.
- Okay, so, you two are You're Cupcake.
- I am Cupcake.
- And you are? Panda.
- Panda.
What were you on when you came up with those names? I name all my girls after food or animals.
Ah - So you consider yourselves sisters? - Yes.
- And you're the father? - I go by "Sir" in the household.
- So you live together? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
What is this? This is just where you come and fuck? Like, whatever you do to each other, like, sadomasochism - Correct.
Yes, yes.
- BDSM, right? - What's the "B" for? - [Sir.]
Bondage.
Bondage, dominate - Discipline, actually.
- Discipline.
A lot of people think it stands for domination.
It actually stands for discipline.
- And then sadomasochism? - Yes, sadism and masochism.
This is a lifestyle, it's not a lifelong commitment.
- Is it? - [Panda.]
Yes, it is.
- [Cupcake.]
It's supposed to be.
- It is a lifelong commitment? Yeah.
Our collars, this is We had a ceremony.
We basically were married.
- And you're in charge of the household? - Yes.
And so, you have to ask permission for everything from him? We always have to ask permission to eat.
When we go out in public, we have to ask permission to sit.
Copy that.
Do you ever say, "Go down on me right now" to him? Or like, "Fuck me in the" Whatever you do, I don't know.
"Fuck me in the ass," or whatever? I don't know what you're into.
Yeah.
Sometimes, yeah.
Do you have to call him "Sir"? - No.
- Wait, during sex? [Panda.]
Yeah, I don't Well, what are you gonna call me if not "Sir"? - Well, if I - Well, I call him "Daddy" sometimes.
Uh-huh.
There are many people that are living in this kind of arrangement, right? There's a lot of people who have, like, submissives or slaves, but - So they are your slaves? - They are my slaves, yes.
- I mean, you're a black man.
- Yeah.
You've heard of the expression, - "Two wrongs don't make a right," right? - [Sir chuckles.]
- [Panda.]
Well, slavery and - [Cupcake.]
Slavehood.
Slavehood are two very different things.
It's just a tricky word, "slavery.
" It's kinda like, you really don't wanna ever say, "slave.
" People are really into some weird shit, and I don't want that.
That doesn't is not palatable to me at all.
I'm disgusted by it.
I don't mean to be, 'cause it's judgmental, but I am.
I mean, I don't want anything bad to happen to them.
Just don't ever wanna see them.
[all laughing.]
The first time that Kevin ever left me alone in his apartment, I searched the entire place.
- [Jenny.]
I love you.
- I did.
- [Jenny.]
I love him.
- I opened boxes, old cards.
I was like, "What is this stuffed animal? Like, what's this all about?" [all laughing.]
"What's this stuffed animal all about?" He was like He goes, "Those things were very private.
" And I was like, "Uh, well" I don't like it also, when you're with somebody, and you do look at something and you find something, they're like, "Why were you looking at my phone?" - It's like - "I'm human.
" "Because I thought something was there.
And I was right.
- So what the fuck are you talking" - [Jenny.]
Thank you.
"Forget about why I looked.
Go look in my phone and see what you find.
" [Jenny.]
Thank you.
But don't ever ask me why I'm looking through your shit.
[Jason.]
Okay, here is the problem.
Can I just interject because - [Brian.]
Okay.
- I know what you're gonna say.
Jenny is obviously on the exact same page as you with that idea.
One hundred percent.
Mmm-hmm.
[all laughing.]
But here is the issue.
I have nothing to hide.
However, there are things that she will find that are completely innocuous that she will misinterpret and find herself getting angry at me for, completely unnecessarily.
And there's almost no way for me to And it's like Well, a picture of you getting a mani-pedi with another girl is fucking weird.
- The end.
- [woman.]
That is weird.
- Okay, hold on.
- [Brian.]
Who was the girl? - Oh, fuck you, Brian! - [all laughing.]
- [Brian.]
Was it your sister, or was it - A mani-pedi.
And that was, like, right after we were married even.
I don't - So, what, it was still okay? - Well, we barely knew each other.
[all laughing.]
I do agree, though.
Like, for me, cheating is the thing that Like, I have major trust issues.
I don't know where the trust issues come from.
And some people are open-minded about it, and people are like, "Oh, I can get over it.
" And some people are like, it's a black and white issue.
Like, "I can never speak " You know, "We're never gonna be together.
" - [Jenny.]
Right.
- And for me, it's a black and white issue.
And that kinda thing is just like Oh, that's the one thing I'm scared about the most.
[ominous music playing.]
[Noel.]
Infidelity happens in every culture in every country on the planet.
There's no place you can point to where our business wouldn't be relevant.
How much money are you making a year? Ashley Madison makes about $150 million a year.
- Aren't you essentially Ashley Madison? - Mr.
Ashley Madison.
I didn't realize I would be doing interviews like this in my future.
I would've created a different persona.
I really am Noel Biderman, but Ashley Madison was the branding we wanted so that women realized that this was a service for them.
My bet was not on male infidelity.
I think there's lots of businesses all over the world catering to that.
But nobody was looking at the female side of the equation.
Uh-huh.
So, you never sit in bed, lie next to your wife and think, "Wow, I'm going straight to hell"? - I do not.
- You don't feel bad at all? You never lie awake at night I can't convince anyone to have an affair.
I can't.
- Well, you can make it very easy.
- No.
I have made it easier.
I can say, "Hey, here's a bunch of candy, let me just put it in your mouth, and you could smell it and then eat it.
" But this is a world where you can't point fingers and say, "Their fault, their fault, their fault.
" You have to have some accountability in this world, especially when it comes to your relationship.
You've obviously done a number on convincing yourself.
So this is our Bill Clinton boardroom.
You know, "Who's the most infamous infidel in the world?" We think every conversation about infidelity helps us grow.
So, this is an outdoor campaign we are considering.
Oh! I don't know her very well, or at all, but I can speak for her when I say that that won't be considered a tribute.
- Fair enough.
- I mean, don't you think? You guys should be a little bit more prolific.
I'll come up with some more stuff for you.
Okay.
By, like, 6:00, okay? - 'Cause I have to - For sure.
I'll get started on it.
[Chelsea.]
When do people start having affairs? Like, what, right after they have a baby? A married woman looking to have an affair doesn't just want an e-mail saying, "Hey, come meet me at the hotel, 4:00.
" That's not what she's looking for.
- What is she looking for? - It's not just about sex.
She wants to have, like, a relationship? The word they use is "passion.
" No, no, I don't know if "a relationship" is fair.
She wants to be an object of desire again.
The happiest time in her romantic life was when she was being pursued.
You know, being put on a pedestal, being brought flowers - But that's your conjecture from your - No, it's not conjecture.
I've done research with the University of California, Irvine, NYU, I've gotten thousands of e-mail members.
I'm actually knowledgeable about this.
All right, all right, calm down, first of all, okay? I'm a woman, I'm just telling you, some women just like to be thrown around in bed.
- That's their idea of "passion.
" - Some do, too.
Yes.
Passion doesn't necessarily mean, "I want to be pursued.
" It means sex plus something, though.
That's the perception.
It's hard to be pursued while you're also married.
Well, obviously, I've known about Ashley Madison for a while, but I didn't know that you guys were married.
- Right.
- And that you don't cheat.
Not yet.
[scoffs.]
No, we have a difference in philosophy on this.
I think it's important.
I believe that, if you're faced with this, you know, Faustian terrible choice of leaving or straying, you're better off straying.
- If you were to cheat on her - Yeah.
I hope that doesn't happen.
- If you were to cheat on her, and you - I hope so, too.
What do you mean, you hope so, too? Just say it won't happen and then don't fucking do it.
No, but I'm telling you right now, - if I woke up one morning and - Wait.
- Let me finish.
- She's not interested in me, it might happen.
If you were to do that, everybody in your life, everybody you know, would be like, "Well, what the hell did she think was gonna happen? He started Ashley Madison.
" I think people will judge me for the husband they see me being, for the parent they see me being.
Would you sit there and not be friends with a divorce attorney just 'cause they help people separate all day long? I don't think that's a realistic way of looking at the world, to be honest with you.
I know your friends' wives are probably like, "There is no way in hell that you're going away for a weekend" If you wanted to go to Vegas, or wherever people I just took them.
I just took my friends away to New Orleans, I've taken them to Vegas to the AVN Awards, that's the Porn Star of the Year Awards.
I've taken them to the Playboy Mansion.
I have done all those things with my friends.
Supposedly with their wife's endorsement, of course.
This sounds idealistic, but nothing is really taboo in our relationship.
And that's really helped us to really understand where we're at, you know? On the line, like, how happy is he, how disappointed is he, you know? What about what makes you happy? - I mean - [Amanda stammers.]
And that's the flip side.
Like, we're in tune with each other because we've had serious conversations that I think that a lot of people avoid.
I mean, what about your children? The one I fear the most We have a young daughter We haven't gone there yet, they just think it's cool that he's the boss.
I might tell them I'm just an actor.
That's good.
Just lie to them.
That's good.
That always works for parents.
- Do you guys go to therapy? - No.
- Really? - Should we? - Yeah, you should probably go.
- Everyone probably should.
It's ironic, but we really think that having started this business together, it has cemented our relationship.
- Is that right? Mmm.
- Yes.
- Do you guys have a prenup? - None.
- [Chelsea.]
No.
- Ashley Madison's half hers.
- What a lucky girl.
- See, I'm smarter than you think.
This is a good time You are smarter.
Well, I didn't think you were stupid.
But this would be a good time to split up if you want to.
Hey, Chelsea.
It's Cristina Morara, Stellar Hitch.
How's it going? Hi.
Are you getting excited for tomorrow? No.
Think about some of the things that we talked about, and just, uh surrender to the situation, that's all I can say.
Okay, great.
So, I have another call coming in, so I'll see you Or, no, I'll talk to you after I go on my dates.
- Love it.
All right, have fun! - Okay, bye.
Thanks, bye.
- Shh.
- [phone beeps.]
I mean, she's nice and everything, but Ugh, I can't talk like that.
That's very annoying.
"Surrender.
Just surrender, Chelsea.
Just surrender.
Just be yourself.
Actually, don't be yourself.
Can you try not to be yourself and then surrender?" How am I supposed to do that? These guys are all gonna be like, "What a fucking bitch.
" - Hey! Hi, hi, hi.
- [Michael.]
Hi.
How are ya? - I'm good, how are you? - Excellent.
- Nice to meet you.
Chelsea.
- Nice to meet you.
Michael.
Brian.
- Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
- So, hi Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Not awkward at all.
- [laughing.]
No.
All I know about you is that you have two freaking adorable dogs.
- Are you a dog person? - I'm a big dog person.
- I don't know anybody - I foster dogs all the time.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah.
But then, what if you fall in love with a dog? Don't you wanna keep it? I am really happy to see a great dog find a great home.
So, I heard a rumor that you are serious about trying to meet somebody and have a meaningful relationship.
So, I'm here to confirm whether that rumor is true or not.
Yes.
No.
Do you want something to drink? He's the waiter.
Oh, sure.
Hey, how's it going? I'm Brian, by the way.
- What would you like to drink? - Uh Do you have a Reposado? - Scotch would be great.
- Scotch, sure.
- On the rocks? - Neat, please.
- Something with vodka would be fantastic.
- All right, sure thing.
Yeah.
- Here, cheers.
- Cheers.
I like Reposado.
I'm meeting with a bunch of guys in a row, so - I got you.
- Yeah.
Sounds like a fun day.
[laughing.]
Yeah, exactly.
So, before this, you said you didn't have a girlfriend for like, what, four years? Like four, five years, yeah.
Six or seven years.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
I was focusing on my career.
- What do you do? - I'm a lawyer by trade.
I've debated Sean Hannity a bunch of times on Sirius Radio.
- Yeah, good for you.
- That's been a challenge.
Yeah.
Solar scooters, we have.
- Solar scooters? - Yeah.
It's like, if I have to go do a quick thing in the day I mean, obviously, I have a car.
But, you know, but it's actually Good to know.
Yeah, I live with my mom, though.
That's okay, right? Yeah, that's fine.
I would've expected that.
Yeah, exactly.
- Have you been married? - Never.
- Never.
- And I've never Were you close? Engaged? - Not really.
- Why? Just not into it.
Never met anybody that - So why are you dating? - You interrupt a lot.
Really? I'm just asking a question.
- I know, but it's a lot.
- It's a follow-on.
Like, you don't let me finish my thoughts.
I thought you had paused.
Sorry.
No, I did pause, but that's not like, a vote for interruption.
Okay.
Well, I wanna do a toast to you.
- We're gonna do toast.
- Wow.
Thank you.
To meeting a woman who's passionate and entrepreneurial and fearless.
Jersey girl makes her way to California, big dream to be a star.
- Yeah.
- It's a great story.
- It is a good story.
- Family's gotta be proud.
Yeah, they're proud.
How did you get involved with Cristine a.
Is it Cristina? She actually reached out to me and said, "Hey, there's something that I think would be interesting for ya.
I'd love to talk to you about it.
" And I said, "Absolutely.
" I'll take a chance on anything.
She's always fun.
Have you gone out with other women, or is this your first, like, date? I've gone out with one other woman, yeah.
And what happened there? If you don't mind my asking.
Sure.
It was last night.
It was a great date.
She's a wonderful woman.
I'll see her again here - in about two weeks.
- [snorts and laughs.]
- That's honesty for ya.
- That's good.
- Yeah, no, that is honesty, good.
- Yeah.
Well, hopefully we'll stay in touch.
- Okay, well, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
And have fun on your date with that other girl.
- [laughing.]
- It'll be great.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I like your suit.
Very nice.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Buh-bye.
Bye.
- Great meeting you.
Bye.
[man.]
You wanna call Cristina right now and put her on speaker? Should I ask Cristina and her husband if they wanna have a three-way? [man laughs.]
[Chelsea.]
All the things that people say about LA, like, "LA, it's so hard to meet people.
" I've always been like, "That's such nonsense.
That's bullshit.
" It's never hard to meet somebody.
You're supposed to meet who you're supposed to meet, and it happens when it's gonna happen.
But I go through really long periods of not having sex, and then I go through periods where I, like, you know, fuck like a bunny rabbit.
- Mmm-hmm.
- And it's not It's just, like, I haven't had sex Not that this is about sex, because, obviously, I can have sex if I want to Actually, I don't know if I can anymore, but I haven't had sex in, like, six or seven months.
- Mmm-hmm.
- And that's I almost feel, like, - a little bit embarrassed.
- Mmm-hmm.
And I dated a lot of guys that don't live in the country.
- So that's easy not to be committed to.
- Okay.
And I don't know if that's like a subliminal thing I'm doing to myself.
Yeah.
So you distance yourself.
You have some distancing behaviors where you date people who are not quite fully available? I don't know if it's that, or if I'm just dating people in different countries because it's easier for me to date somebody when there is a language barrier.
I mean, I'm a lot to handle, and I have an intense personality, and I'm not shy, - which is also not feminine, really.
- Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Okay.
So, you're dating people who don't speak English as their first language? Well, I mean, they can speak English.
I mean, I'm not dating people who can't You know, it's not like we're not communicating.
- But there's sort of a distancing.
- There is a barrier.
Yeah, and that's comfortable for you? Yeah.
But, you know, my friends are like, "All right, you've gotta get something going.
" [Reid.]
Creating healthy relationships, it's about your self-expression.
And in a world where a lot of people aren't used to talking about intimacy no one really inherits those skill sets from our folks.
Chelsea's here to geek out with us, and we're gonna do You're gonna help me with some exercises.
- Oh, really? Oh, okay.
- Yes.
- [all chuckling.]
- I didn't know, I didn't know, but I'm happy to do anything.
- Sure, I'll jump in.
Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Not sexually.
- Okay.
- [all laughing.]
- Okay.
We're on the same page? - Mmm no, but yes.
- No? Okay.
[all laughing.]
That being said, take a deep breath.
[all inhaling.]
And then go [exaggerated exhaling.]
So now, we're gonna make this a whole exercise.
One of you is gonna stay seated and the other person's gonna get behind you.
What you're gonna do is you're just gonna start massaging.
And then, if you want me to change anything, you're gonna give me an appreciation.
That's a great massage.
- Thank you.
And then the upgrade.
- [all laughing.]
Can you go a little bit deeper? That's even better.
- Perfect! - [all laughing.]
You say thank you to your partners.
[all.]
Thank you.
And now, I'm gonna demo what I want you to do.
- May I touch your arm? - Mmm-hmm.
So, you're gonna just touch as lightly and as slowly and in a way that allows you to pick up the most information that you can.
So, on a scale from one to ten, what does that feel like? A six.
Okay, so then the question is, what would make it a nine? - Someone else doing it.
- [all laughing.]
[Chelsea.]
No offense, no offense.
- [Reid.]
Take a deep breath.
- [all inhaling.]
- Then go - [exaggerated exhaling.]
Okay, we got into the piece here where we're gonna Chelsea's gonna ask us some questions and whatnot.
First of all, I'm curious, 'cause I was reading your bio on our way over, and it said that you're in - a non-monogamous committed relationship.
- Mmm-hmm.
So, what is the commitment? It's not about sexual fidelity.
And, in our relationship, we're allowed to fall in love with other people, too.
Okay, so, how has that worked out? How has it worked out? Well, if you are committed, you live with somebody, and then you fall in love with someone else - Yes.
- Then, what do you I mean, how does that happen? And what happens there? A lot of communication and processing, usually.
Are other people in that kind of relationship? - You are? Well, what's the dynamic? - Yeah.
Well, I like the term "non-monogamy," 'cause some people would say we're polyamorous.
But non-monogamous, it's an empty table, and there's all sorts of different options.
So, we only move toward things that are a total yes for both of us.
And what about the two of you? We have two bedrooms in our condo and I moved into the other room.
And we don't sleep in the same room anymore.
It's, like, the best thing that's ever happened for us.
- [Chelsea.]
Really? - I agree.
- We're doing it, too.
- We each sleep better.
So you do it every night regardless? Do you ever sleep together? We have sleepovers sometimes, but then, it's, like, sweet.
What about the two of you? Have you ever been through a patch where you almost broke up? Early on in our relationship, we had a bad year.
It was a lot of tragedies, very soon.
Yeah, her mom passed away.
- We lost, like, our family dog - Got in a car accident.
And it was so bad, and we almost broke up a million times, and we stuck together, and I think it made us stronger.
It's like, if we can get through all of that, there's nothing we can't get through.
Moments that I've never had with anybody else, and I couldn't imagine having with anybody else, and Very, very lucky that it worked out that way.
[Shoshanna.]
Do you have any regrets? Anything that you would've done differently in your marriage? Did you have any extramarital activities that you regret? [all chuckling.]
- That sounds like a yes.
- Pregnant pause.
No.
- Good answer.
- [laughs.]
[Chelsea.]
What about Mom? Do you think Mom was up to any extramarital shenanigans? Not that I'm aware of.
Perhaps she did.
But I'm not aware of it.
And your marriage was a success? I think it was.
[Glen.]
You think you picked a good wife? - Excellent wife.
- You still miss her? Absolutely.
She was my right hand.
She She did things that I couldn't do.
[Glen.]
Actually, she was your right and left hand.
[all laughing.]
- [Chelsea.]
Did you cheat? - [Peter.]
No, not on you.
Yeah, how could you? I was there all the time.
Exactly, there was no time.
No, but when we broke up, I went I got really drunk That day, right? Yeah, the day we broke up, he took a girl home.
And I went in at, like, 1:00 in the morning She still had her key.
I had the key to his house and I walked in, and he came out of the bedroom, he was like, "No, no, no, no, don't!" And I was like, "What?" And I realized, "Oh, my God, there's somebody here.
" Like, he had a woman there, and I was The worst! It was the worst night! Oh, my God.
And then I made a great plug in my stand-up routine.
- So it helped me become good at stand-up.
- You did? Yeah, well, I made it two Asian women instead of one.
Well, you even put that in your book.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then Well, you shouldn't have done it if you didn't want me to write about it.
We were broken up.
- But for 12 hours! - [chuckling.]
But anyway, you also dated only Asian women after me.
- No, I did not! - Yes, you did.
You do realize that if you had been romantic with me, and nicer to me, and did what I told you to do, that you would have a really, really nice lifestyle right now.
[stammers.]
Yeah, I What people People actually say that to me, they say, "Just, don't you wish you were married to Chelsea now? - Just look at the way you'd be living.
" - [laughing.]
And I would go I'd go [laughing.]
"If I was with Chelsea now, I'd be divorced by now.
" - Exactly.
- "And I'd have two screwed up kids.
" - Yeah.
Right.
- You know, well You're right.
Yeah, I would've been a nightmare.
I don't blame you.
It sounds awful.
I sound awful.
[laughing.]
She was, uh, a complex character, to say the least.
Have you ever gotten close to maybe thinking you wanted to get married? The guy in New York wanted to get married.
He proposed to me in a very silly way, and I said, "Yes," at the time, and I knew I would never marry him.
Like, I always knew I had to get out of that relationship, and Ted knew that I didn't wanna get married, so it didn't ever come up.
And he had just gotten out of a marriage right when I met him.
So that kinda didn't come up.
We just assumed we would be together forever.
And he was 20 years older than me, so, I think, his "forever" was a lot different than my "forever.
" Right.
You know, I thought I was gonna marry Peter, probably, my first the English guy, when I was 20.
I think, every time you get in a relationship, you're like, "Oh, what can this be? Longevity?" I feel like that's something to really aspire to, to be able to be with somebody for a long period of time and not have it get stale.
I see you as a very strong woman, and you're gonna need a very strong man that will trust you to be yourself, that isn't threatened by it.
She would need to be with somebody who was attracted to her power.
The thing that he likes the most about her is the fact that she will speak her mind, and will have a two-martini lunch - Yeah, topless.
- And will [David.]
I think Chelsea finding anybody, though, takes a very strong-willed man of any faith.
I hate that, that you're saying that.
I'm sorry, because everybody used to say that about me when I was single.
They were like, "You know, it's gonna be tough for you to find somebody.
" And you were special.
- What I'm saying is I wanna marry Chelsea.
- Okay, okay.
- I could handle marrying Chelsea.
- You could! I believe, when people are ready for each other, - God has a way of giving things to them.
- Yeah.
- [Rich.]
Have I got a guy for you.
- [all laughing.]
I will be leaving my number.
You can text me.
Sounds like you kind of need, and I don't know this guy personally, but my public perception is, you kind of need, like, a Stedman kinda situation.
- Stedman Graham from Oprah? - No? No! I don't need that.
I don't need somebody to orbit around me.
- Okay.
- I mean, that seems a little bit much.
- Okay, so But being able to handle - Or it sounds actually ideal, - I can't really decide.
- [laughing.]
I mean, I'm really thinking, in my mind, - maybe that is exactly what I need.
- Mmm-hmm.
Do you feel confident that I'm going to meet anybody, though? I do.
'Cause I think you want to.
I think, like, you aren't afraid of committing.
I think, like, you're Some people really, I think, don't wanna be in a long-term committed thing, and I think you see the value in that and want to do that.
Um, and I think you'd be a really good partner.
So, I think I do think you will.
I think there are a lot of men who might be afraid to take you on.
[man.]
And has anything that we've done, like, through all of this Like, have you thought about marriage differently? The thing, from talking about this on camera, is that, I feel like I'm putting myself in a very vulnerable situation or position, and saying to the world, "This is how I feel.
" And, to me, that's, like, very personal.
Even for me, it's personal, so I've But that's, you know, the strongest feeling I have about this, is that I've really exposed myself, instead of, like, you know I don't know, I feel like there's a tougher exterior that's been kind of torn down.
- By talking about it.
Honestly.
- [man.]
Mmm-hmm.
[Glen.]
One of the things you said was, "Well, you know, Chelsea's a lot of fun, and she's exciting and stuff, but she's really not the kind of girl you marry.
You know, if you wanna marry a girl probably look for a different type of personality.
" And you said, "Chelsea's not really marriage material," which I took as a compliment at the time.
But now? [all laughing.]
[Glen.]
Things have changed.
So, does it still hold true? Do you still feel that way? I'd say she's difficult.
Do you think Mom thought I was gonna get married? - No.
- [all laughing.]
So you were on the same page.
[laughs.]
She thought you were very difficult to live with.
[laughing.]
I thought she said nothing bad about me.
[Simone.]
I love her.
You were hard to control.
You did your own thing.
You were just a wild girl.
[Glen.]
But when you use the term, "She's not the kinda girl you'd marry," what "kinda" do you mean there when you say that? I mean, a girl that you marry is not ambitious.
[all laughing.]
[Glen.]
What do you think of the idea of marriage? One time only.
- And then after that? - "One time only"? That sums it up? There're two ways to look at it.
One is the changing position all the time.
- That means you marry six or seven times.
- [Glen.]
Right.
And the other one is you just stick with what you've got.
[Glen laughing.]
- [Glen.]
Hope for the best.
- [Shoshanna.]
That sounds romantic.
- Has anybody here been to a wedding? - [boy.]
No.
[Chelsea.]
Yeah? I haven't, but I'm just trying to scratch my hair.
- You can choose to be married.
- I could.
Right.
But no one has asked me to marry them.
Well, no one that I've taken seriously.
Well, you can ask them.
Well, how would I say that, though? Can you please marry me? - So, I would propose? - Yeah.
Any girl or boy, they could go out and they could find somebody.
That is a good one.
[wedding march playing.]
[guests clapping.]
Hi.
Welcome to the world famous Little White Wedding Chapel - in Las Vegas, Nevada, all of you.
- Hi, how are you? It's so great to have you.
Yes.
And, of course, we have a special guest today here.
And I think she would like to say something to you.
First of all, thank you for letting me be here and observe this today, and be a part of it today.
This is my first officiation - of a wedding.
- Yes.
Yes.
And so, I'm just very curious to see what happens.
- [Charolette.]
Yes.
- Not in your marriage, in the wedding.
Well, it truly is an honor to have you here, and if everyone would stand for a moment.
Would you, Daryl, like to take Nannette as your lawful wedded wife? Yes, indeed.
And would you, Nannette, like to take Daryl as your lawful wedded husband? Yes.
And you've both given this a lot of thought? A lot.
- Like, how much time have you planned? - A good 30 years.
- [Chelsea.]
Oh, good.
Excellent.
- [Charolette.]
Wow! That's wonderful.
Do you have a ring for this woman? Yes, I do.
[Chelsea.]
With this ring, I thee wed.
With this ring, I thee wed.
- [whispering.]
I give you all my heart - I give you all my heart - [Daryl repeating.]
- [Charolette.]
all of my love all of my love - [Daryl repeating.]
- and all of my happiness.
And all of my happiness.
- [Daryl repeating.]
- I promise never to leave you - [Chelsea.]
I promise never to leave you - [Daryl repeating.]
- [whispers.]
for the rest of my life.
- For the rest of my life.
[Daryl repeating.]
[whispers.]
You're my best friend, but you're my everything.
You're my best friend, but you're my everything.
You're my best friend, and you're my everything.
[guests.]
Aw Everybody's crying.
Now we've gotta get the ring for her.
Is there somebody that could hold her flowers while she I'll hold them.
Oh, no, you should hold them.
No, you're her friend.
- [Charolette.]
Okay.
All right.
- I'm your friend, too, by the way.
[guests chuckling.]
Father in heaven, we ask your blessings upon these rings, that you bless the hand that gives them.
And say, with this ring - [Nannette.]
With this ring - I promise you, Daryl I promise you, Daryl I will never leave you.
I will never leave you.
- I will love you.
- I will love you.
- I will trust in you.
- I will trust in you.
- For the rest of my life.
- For the rest of my life.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- [Charolette whispers.]
Kiss his hand.
[Charolette.]
Kiss his hand.
Kiss his hand.
[Charolette.]
So, by the power vested in me - and the power - vested in me, we now [both.]
pronounce you legally married husband and wife, - together forever and ever.
- [guests applauding.]
[retro pop song playing.]
Ladies and gentlemen, she is signing the license.
[pop song continues.]
[inaudible.]
- Everybody wants to meet somebody.
- [Jenny.]
Right.
But a lot of my girlfriends, once they resign themselves to like, "I'm gonna do this by myself," or, "It's just gonna be me," and they've accepted it, then they meet someone.
So I'm like, "Maybe I should just do that.
Accept it and then I will" [all laughing.]
[pop song continues.]
[inaudible.]
- [whip cracking.]
- Okay, got it.
Did you get that? Little kiss I'm gonna admit to the world that I would like to be with somebody.
- Now, come and get me.
- [all laughing.]
[Brian.]
"I'm available!" - I'm right over here! - [Jenny.]
I'm waiting! Yeah.
Get me while I'm thin 'cause it won't last for long.
[pop song continues.]
[jazz music playing.]
Why do you like black women? Well, they're easier.
- [Shoshanna laughing.]
- [Simone.]
Ah Great answer.
Tell them what you say about me, about our sex life.
That you give decent head.
[Jenny.]
What does that mean? "Decent"? It's like, "I would say on a scale of one to ten, decent.
" - You're very good.
- [Jenny.]
No.
No, but he does think that I'm [Brian.]
Do you have websites that she can look at? - [Chelsea.]
Yeah, some websites, wiki - [Jason.]
WikiLeaks.
You can wiki, "How to give a better blowjob.
" And what's your slogan? My original one was, "When monogamy becomes monotony.
" But nobody could pronounce it.
It was inefficient.
You think a lot of people on this site are stupid? [laughs.]
No comment.
Does anyone here know what a documentary is? It's a big word.
Oh, you have an answer? [girl.]
I don't.
You don't know? Again? [boy.]
I think she's stretching.
Oh, you're stretching? Has anybody seen the movie Grey Gardens? So, like, you've done, what, Britney Spears, right? - What a lovely girl.
- Yeah.
- Really, she, you know - Is she? Yes, really, she is.
She lives here now.
- Yeah, she probably should.
- Yes, she does.
I don't know why you guys didn't ask me to carry your baby.
[all laughing.]
[Chelsea.]
Your "babies.
" [Brian.]
Because I didn't want one with fetal alcohol syndrome.
[all laughing.]