Chemistry (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Michael Strathmore.
Oh, hi, Joce.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm on my way.
I'm a little caught up.
Might not get to the fund-raiser on time, but hey Sir? Sir, can you hear me? Cover your eyes.
I'm gonna get you out before you blow, okay? Yeah, no problem.
Y-yeah, Joce, I'd love to stay on and chat, but I'm told I may blow.
Can you breathe? You okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
What's your name? Uh, Michael Michael Strathmore.
What happened? Uh, some guy swerved in front of me, and I jerked the wheel.
You're lucky.
It could have been a lot worse.
No.
No! Is that my car?! It's a classic.
Well, it's an ashtray now, sir.
Oh, well, maybe I could fix it up.
I don't know yep.
Some bondo, a little leatherwork, who knows? Okay.
Well, let's take you over there.
All right.
Let's go there.
Come here.
Okay, watch your head.
Okay.
Any pain? Cuts? I'm okay, I guess.
Officer Campano? Uh, thank you.
You saved my life.
Not a problem, sir.
It's my job.
I'm a professional.
Looks like you did okay.
Are we done? I got to be at a thing.
She'll understand.
She doesn't, fuck her.
Are cops allowed to say "Fuck"? Did I say "Fuck"? This is good.
Okay.
Let's go.
You always drive so fast? I'm barely moving.
Looking at your speedometer, that's neither accurate nor descriptive.
What are you? What do you mean? You talk like a robot.
Why, because I'm specific? I believe language should be used to maximize clarity.
Maximize clarity? Yeah.
You're a fucking lawyer.
Great.
You got something against lawyers? A long list.
Well, you needn't go into it now.
"Needn't"? What, are you part of the royal family? It's correct english, which is probably why it rubbed you the wrong way.
What is that? Is that a cat? No, it's a cow.
What's a cat doing in your squad car? Is it a police cat? Is this just conversation, or are you compiling evidence for your frivolous, inevitable lawsuit? Okay.
I like cats.
What's its name? Pablo.
He likes to go on rides.
Lola, my neighbor, gave him to me.
Lola? That's an exotic name.
Lola is an artist.
She slept with Picasso.
Says she blew Freud.
Who didn't? You blow the father of psychoanalysis, and it haunts you for the rest of your life.
"There goes Lola Marquez.
She blew Feud.
" but the upside is, it gets you invited to a lot of parties.
Yeah, that's that's me.
Must be nice, driving around in a Tuxedo, going to events, living in a house that cool.
Yes and no.
Great view, but I live alone.
Get a llama.
Or maybe a tanning bed Whatever you lonely rich guys fill your houses with.
Are you going back on duty now? I'm not on duty.
Why the uniform? Why the questions? You're you're pretty defensive.
Sometimes.
When you were giving me mouth-to-mouth Can I be honest? I didn't really need it.
I know.
You have some window glass in your hair.
Mm.
Ooh.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will cost you.
Look, I'm not saying my sister Liz is the easiest person in the world, but she's worth it.
She also happens to be one of the sexiest women I've ever known.
Sure, I'm partial to women.
The male genitalia basically revolt, terrify, and paralyze me.
And sure, I think that men are at their best when they're picking up heavy things and moving them, like pianos or their egos.
But as a woman who knows women, I'll tell you, this chick knows stuff.
I mean, I grew up with her, and she always understood exactly how to get underneath another person's skin.
And the way I hear it no one sucks a cock like liz.
Oh! Oh.
Shit! Oh! God! Fuck! Did you ever feel your nerve endings Pop open like little Umbrellas? You taste good.
I can barely speak.
You liked it? I am forever changed.
Probably overdue.
Yeah.
Mmm.
I should probably let you go now.
Just being polite.
Why don't you just say what you mean? You know what I mean.
Then say it.
Flew a little too close to the sun, have you? Mm.
Aren't you gonna uncuff me? Hmm.
Now where did I put that key? Hey, very funny.
You know, I do have a thing Yeah? I have to get to.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're a little bruised.
You should see my soul.
I did there for a second.
Mm.
I got to go.
You look really amazing naked.
I'm never naked.
It just looks that way.
You ever been in love? Are you trying to get to know me? Because I hate that.
You still look naked.
What about you? Have you ever been in love? I'm not a big love guy.
I'm not surprised.
You should try it sometime.
Might take your mind off that dark void of your legal career.
Don't you mean the trivia of my existence? One thing you're not, Michael is trivial.
Mm.
Hey, Joce.
Michael.
Hey.
Are you okay? I just saw a police car leaving.
Yeah, I, uh I flipped my car, Joce.
I could have been killed.
What? Luckily, this officer saved me and drove me home.
Oh, my god.
Are they are they doing a thorough investigation? Yeah.
They already started.
Okay.
Okay, good.
Good.
I'm just sorry you missed my speech introducing the governor.
I bet you were awesome.
I was.
Your wrists are bruised.
How did that happen? Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, a fucking cop? You're my hero.
I always wanted to copulate with a cop.
Thank you.
So? What was it like? Details, details.
Well, for starters, Luther, they don't have vaginas.
They have holsters.
Don't do this to me, Michael.
I'm obsessed with women.
I crave them.
I love them.
I require at least two per day, three during daylight savings.
My phenomenal sex life is none of your fucking business.
My business is fucking.
Mergers and acquisitions? one step up from sodomy.
Jeez.
So how'd you two meet? Was it violent? Did you get to ride in a squad car? Yes, if you must know.
Oh, god.
An intended man erect and speeding in a black-and-white, sirens wailing, on his way to be in flagrante delicto with Luther! What? Can we please talk about the trademark infringement suit now? Fine, fine.
So what'd you do about Jocelyn? Doesn't matter what I did about Jocelyn.
Oh, yeah.
You're right.
What was I thinking? Just because your fiancee's father happens to be the founding partner of this law firm, what would it matter that you betrayed his only "sane" daughter in your coital frenzy? Okay, Luther.
The cop leaves, my nightmare officially begins.
Mm.
Ohh! We are amazing.
God, two in one night? It's a dream come true.
No, no.
It's it's not, Luther.
I I feel guilty.
I care about Jocelyn.
We're talking about making a life together.
It's just this this other woman, I can't explain it.
It's crazy.
Well, I apologize for my insensitivity.
Thank you.
Michael, you said "Crazy.
" that means clamps, doesn't it? Why don't you just go out and get yourself a job in the porn industry? You know someone? Hello, lads.
Morning, Mr.
Dellacorte.
Missed you at the fund-raiser last night.
Jocelyn tells me that you were in a bit of a scrape.
To say the least.
He was seriously tied up.
Carry on.
Thank you, Quipmaster.
It's what I do.
These are magnificent.
Are you paying attention to anything here? Hmm? Yeah, sure.
I'm right with you.
I'm only doing this dinner party for you, Michael.
You mean for my father and snapple.
Chantal.
It's hard to keep track.
What, is she my seventh or eighth stepmom? One thing we can say for your dad, he sure does throw his hat in the ring.
Did we shift right into "let's get married sooner" talk? You're so dramatic.
No, Joce, I know how you like to have everything so perfect.
For my work, I have to be precise.
The wrong armoire, an ill-chosen pillow the whole room suffers.
I'm not talking about your decorating business, Joce.
I'm talking about life.
Well, life's messy enough.
I don't have to add to the clutter.
Who cares about clutter? It doesn't it's just clutter! Michael, where is this coming from? It's coming from me.
No, it isn't.
I've never seen this before.
Is this your dark side? It's my oxidized side.
I'm rusting.
You mean I'm boring you.
I can change that.
No, Joce, it's it's not about us.
It's about me.
You wanna know how I feel? I feel too damn polite.
I feel premeditated.
That's a word they use to describe murders.
I'm trying to fucking tell you what's going on with me.
Is any of this getting through to you? Of course.
And you didn't have to say "Fucking," sweetie.
Maybe it was my sixth divorce that scared mikey from ever gettin' close to a chick.
Probably my fault.
I set a bad example for him since most of my wives were constructed of silicone and bubblegum.
Fair enough.
But I did give him one great piece of advice.
"Mikey," I said, "Follow your dick.
Your dick never lies, at least not to you.
" you don't follow your dick, one day it falls off like a bad bonsai tree, and you end up sucking bottled oxygen somewhere in rancho mirage, wondering where all the good times went.
Follow your dick.
It's got a perfect sense of direction.
How's your cappuccino? Huh? Uh, it's fabulous.
Good.
What's this, uh, design in the foam here? Oh, that's the shroud of turin.
Any punk can make a tulip.
Stop picking on my sister, Michael.
Hi, honey.
Wait, this is the guy you were telling me and Lola about this morning? Huh.
What's that supposed to mean? Pen.
Accident report.
Sign.
Here.
Ahh.
Okay.
Where you goin'? I got what I needed.
What, now or last night? I gotta go.
Hold hold on.
No, no, come on.
I-I-I came out here in the middle of my day to sign these papers for you.
At least have the courtesy to say good-bye.
Good-bye.
Officer Campano.
Hey.
How'd the hearing go this morning? Oh, yeah.
A million laughs.
They put me on probation.
The heavy money was on suspension.
You got ten lives, doll.
Who's that? Oh.
I have no idea.
Okay.
Look, just hurry back, all right? Fighting crime is just civil service without you, partner.
You have no idea? Oh, I have plenty of ideas.
Why'd they put you on probation? It was absolutely nothing.
They put you on probation for absolutely nothing? They didn't like the way I made a collar on a bad guy.
Okay? Oh! Hey! You're under arrest.
You're fuckin' kidding me.
You better call for backup! Aah! You chased after the guy in your squad car without your partner? He's was in the men's and then you subdued him with your baton? Look, I get a little excitable, but that scumbag had it coming.
W you know what? What's your point? You need a lawyer.
I've had lawyers, as recent as last night, so have dinner with me.
Why? Lunch.
Oh.
Pass.
Brunch? Brunch? We are done talking.
Do you like movies? Well, yeah.
What do you mean? Like, something with vin diesel in it? I never ask anybody anywhere, but I'm asking you.
It starts in half an hour.
Well, I've got meetings.
You always will.
All right.
Not enough sweet for you and me tonight New print.
They added two missing scenes and enhanced the soundtrack.
Oh! when beauty stands looking into the soul This part rocks.
That sicken at pretty words.
Yes for that is love.
Love.
I love beyond breath, beyond reason, beyond love's own power of loving.
Your name is like a golden bell hung in my heart.
And when I think of you, I tremble, and the bell rings and rings, "Roxane! Roxane!" Jesus.
That is love that wind of terrible and jealous beauty.
Fuck.
Soaring, blinding music.
Dear, you may take my happiness to make you happier, even though you never know I gave it to you.
How many times every day? You make me crazy.
Every day.
Shut up.
Excuse me? You'll you'll have to leave.
Police business.
Shut that fucker off! Get out, man! Go! Oh, you got a great ass.
Well, you got a great cock.
No one ever said that before.
Let's get out of here.
Strong and true.
Yeah.
Sweet and strong and true.
You could've handled that a little better Yeah.
That Usher.
I could've shot him.
I'm serious.
Well, maybe I should've filed a lawsuit.
Calm down, okay? What's that supposed to mean? Halt! What the hell's your problem? Hey.
Hey, get back here.
Hey! Just leave me alone.
I've gotta pee.
You piss me off.
Bullshit.
I interest you.
You don't know me.
That makes two of us.
Get out of my way.
No.
You shove me now?! I said, get out of my way.
You're out of control.
What are you gonna do? You gonna pistol-whip me now? What, you want handcuffs, too, like last night? Stop it.
Make me! Stop it! Mm.
Mm.
Uhh! Aah! Come over here.
Ah! Ah! Ooh.
That was easy.
Mm.
Ahh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! This is too nuts for me.
Me, too.
Liz! Subs ripped, correct and synch by MemoryOnSmells