Children Ruin Everything (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [KIDS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
[GROANS.]
[GRUNTS.]
- Astrid? - Yes, I'm fine.
Let's do this, I'm up.
Oh, you're not with them? No, I thought they were with you.
Thought that it's your job to I just I thought they were with you, at this moment.
Relax, James.
It's not like anyone exploded.
Viv with Betty.
One exploded.
Still pretty good.
[VIV SCREAMS.]
FELIX: Look at the mess you made! You're cleaning this up.
I put you in jail for a reason.
I could get out whenever I want! - FELIX: No, you can't.
- VIV: You're poo-poo.
- FELIX: You're a poo-poo! - VIV: You are! Okay, Viv, Viv, come out from the clothes, please.
Felix, what are you doing here? Come on, buddy.
I put her in jail.
She's dumb.
You can't call your sister dumb.
Anyone overhears that, you're gonna get canceled very hard.
What's burning? Did you burn cereal? - I'm making eggs.
- [FIRE ALARM BEEPS.]
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Okay, it's fine.
Here we go.
Back up! ASTRID: There's a lot of research out there that shows people with kids are less happy than people without kids.
And look, it's hard to argue with the facts.
Before kids, we had this.
[SCREAMS.]
Now, we have this.
JAMES: Before, it was kinda like this.
Now, it's more like this.
ASTRID: And we swapped this, for this.
[FELIX IMITATES FARTS.]
JAMES: So, it's very possible that these big idiots have made a huge mistake by having these little idiots.
ASTRID: Idiots like us.
These are our kids, Felix and Vivian.
I'm Astrid, this is James.
JAMES: And I'm James.
Now there's two of them.
ASTRID: No! Anyway, are parents less happy than childless people? JAMES: How do you even measure happiness? ASTRID: That's where I can help.
You see, before becoming a full-time mom, I was a data analyst.
So, I take raw, quantifiable data like money, free time, uninterrupted minutes on the toilet, and I present them in ways that people can understand.
But what about the data you can't measure? Like joy, pride, and good vibes, man? - Shouldn't that count too - JAMES: Yeah, right? Maybe we don't have as much money or time or fun, - But we do have - ASTRID: You know, kids.
Yeah, that stuff can just go on the floor.
Think of the floor as one big shelf.
Kids certainly do.
Chuck emailed me last night.
Hey, how is old Chucky? That's my old boss.
Yeah, I didn't know.
You caught me.
He said my job's available in a few months if I'm ready to go back.
Oh! That's amazing! Do you It's totally up to you.
We need the money.
Yes, no, I'm definitely going back.
I need to earn.
And also, my brain's turning to mush.
The other day, I forgot the word "Japan.
" - That was today.
- When I'm a working girl, I'll never forget Japan again.
So, I just need to let 'em know.
- Viv's hogging the red crayons.
- No, I'm not.
Okay, guys, we're having coffee.
This is our time, remember? You guys shouldn't be drawing anyway unless you're ready for school.
Are you ready for school? - I need underwear.
- JAMES: Well Buddy, you're wearing pants.
Yeah, that's called going commando.
That can't be right.
They, for sure, wore underwear.
Or bareback.
No, that's not right either.
Raw dog! [GROANS.]
You know what we should do? We should celebrate.
Yes.
A nice dinner, just you and me.
Can we find a last minute babysitter that can handle Viv? The kids can't come.
Breakfast this morning was like a Vikings' banquet.
No, it's normal.
My sister and I used to have wet bread fights.
I'd like to go to a nice place where they don't let you throw wet bread.
I thought you said it was supposed to be a celebration.
[FELIX SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
Okay, well, all the babysitters are booked.
Anyway, aren't you going to Ennis's tonight? I'll just bail.
We should do something nice.
We never do that anymore.
What? Didn't we just have that turkey cranberry thing? Christmas dinner? Why don't we order a fancy pizza? No, no, no, that's not nice enough.
I'm gonna make us the pork shoulder thing, and you are gonna love it.
So, do I have to buy the stuff for that, too? No.
Yes, yes.
Yes, please.
What? - Your coffee, your coffee.
- No, there's caffeine in that.
Tonight, we celebrate two incomes.
Yatta! That means, "we did it", in place.
You can do it! - Japan! - There it is! Bye! ASTRID: That one? We do that one? DAWN: Hello, Astrid.
Oh, Dawn.
Hi.
I'm so surprised to see you in here.
This place is so overpriced.
Nine dollars for mustard? [SCOFFS.]
Yes, well, it's a special occasion.
We're splurging on an animal who's seen the sunlight.
- Say hi to Dawn Aunty.
- DAWN: Hi.
Your cousin Cory and uncle Bo are looking at the bone broth.
- Go on.
- BO: Hey! ASTRID: How's Bo? He seems smiley.
Having a nervous breakdown and being ousted from his own company was the best thing that's ever happened to him.
He loves homeschooling Cory and is teaching himself to craft.
ASTRID: Did he craft that fun hat? Still learning.
So, what's the occasion? Uh, well, in a few months, I'm going back to work, paid work.
- Astrid, this is fantastic! - I know.
Have you told Mom yet? She's worried you betrayed your feminist ideals.
No, I didn't betray anything.
I stayed home because James makes more money because he has a valuable penis and I have a garbage vagina.
Please don't tell Mom because I really don't need the career advice.
Oh, you don't wanna know about what make-up to wear or how shiny your work clothes should be? No, I've already heard about how shiny my at-home clothes should be.
DAWN: Speaking of Mom, did you get her email about the vegan food I think she read it on a blog My love must be a kind of blind love ♪ I can't see anyone but ♪ [SCREAMS.]
- Hey, hey, hey! - Does she know how to breathe? Really breathe? Yes, she's an ace breather, Bo, thank you.
It's natural, kiddo, all this stuff used to be animals.
Okay, she's just never seen a decapitated animal before, have you? Oh.
Okay, maybe we skip the meat for today? Hey, James, I sent you a work email.
You sent me a work email? And Hey, Ennis! You cannot send me deep fake nudes of myself.
I'm an artist.
Are you confirmed for tonight? Yeah, I'm gonna try and make it, yes.
No, no, that is the battle-cry of the no-show.
I have a family thing.
So, come after.
It's not complicated.
Why am I the only one working in this friendship? Nice nudes, James.
Hey, Marla, this is not This is a joke.
Yeah, I know, relax.
Ennis already sent 'em to me.
- How's it goin', boss? - Considering what a goldmine the pandemic has been for the grocery world, I'd say it's going pretty freakin' well! Except for the death and the illness, though, right? Sure.
But we're opening four new franchises in the next 15 months.
I could kiss COVID.
That's definitely how you get it.
We're gonna sweat, and we're gonna bleed and we're gonna cry.
And who knows what fluids will leak? But once we crush these openings, this gal is gonna be a VP.
Awesome! Is there anything you needed? Just your hard work.
Your loyalty.
And James, you're gonna need those balls.
Uh, not mine.
Why did she point at me when she said fluids? I'm asking Astrid.
Don't hide behind Astrid.
You promised you'd come and now you're using your family as an excuse to suck.
- She says I can go, it's cool.
- Great, okay! Give me your buy-in so I know you're locked in.
It's a new policy.
JAMES: This is a very special dinner because we're celebrating Mom going back to work.
ASTRID: Yes.
Celebration pasta.
No meat at all, Viv.
I like meat.
Okay, 'cause this morning, you You know what? Never mind.
Just gonna blow right past that one.
It's okay.
Let's raise our glasses to Mummy who put her career on hold, a big sacrifice, that mostly women have to make because we live in a patriarchy, - James? - Yep, let's focus.
Here it is.
- Cheers.
- [SIGHS.]
The cheers! The cheers, to you, and you, and to you - And to all of us.
- To all of us.
Okay.
Now, Felix Cheers! Cheers! Hey, Felix.
Did something happen at school today that maybe made you feel proud? Diarrhea.
Felix, your father's asking you a question.
Diarrhea.
Let's just sit down and commence the civilized meal.
- Toilet! - [KIDS LAUGH.]
Toilet is a toilet word, Viv.
ASTRID: I'll be the first one to admit that children are naturally jerks.
As parents, you have to stop jerk-like behavior or it will get worse and worse as they get older.
JAMES: And the world has enough adult jerks, so, you know, please do your part.
My name is DJ Poopy-in-the-house! VIV: My name is DJ Peepee-in-the-house! We don't need to make the bread pee and poo.
That's enough.
Viv, go back to your seat.
- Felix, eat your food! - Eat your food.
Viv, Felix, sit down.
Let's enjoy Mummy's great meal.
I don't want it.
It's gross.
[EXCLAIMS.]
ASTRID: All right, enough! Enough! Everybody calm down.
Now, this is really important to Mummy and Daddy.
Understand? So, I promise you, that if we just stay in our seats, and we don't yell at each other and we don't make gross noises [JAMES FARTS.]
I promise that we can have a really nice time.
- I love it.
- ASTRID: So, how about this? How about we reset this dinner? Okay? A do-over.
- Do-over! - ASTRID: Yep.
Okay? Starting with the cheers.
Okay? - Do-over! - ASTRID: Right.
Cheers, everybody, ready? Cheers.
Oh, my God! Okay, okay.
ASTRID: Don't move, don't move! Don't move, there's glass everywhere, it get in your eyes, you need your eyes.
- [CRIES.]
- James! - Shit! - Toilet word! [SIGHS.]
Well, we'll try again when they're teenagers.
Do you have to go to Ennis's? I already bought in, and he gave me a whole thing about bailing.
If you stay, I'll make it worth your while.
The sad thing is that this is working on me.
- Like a little bit of this? - Yeah, these are all the moves.
- These are all my favorites.
- [ASTRID CHUCKLES.]
I've got glass in my bum.
No, I don't think you have glass in your bum.
Yes, I do.
It's cutting me.
I can feel it right now! It seems unlikely 'cause we were wearing pants.
- Yeah, it seems - FELIX: There is.
You have to get it out.
Okay, okay, how about this? I think before Daddy goes to have fun with his friends, maybe he should check your bum for glass.
ENNIS: Can be a little depressing, but Look at her.
- Slow down.
- Not bad.
You gotta move fast, or else you'll never find what you're looking for.
How're you making decisions this quick? - What's wrong with her? - She's wearing a sweater - What about - She does cartwheels.
- Can you go back? - No, you don't want to.
You gotta pay extra to do that.
- KEVIN: Is that her dog? - Okay, see this one? - Yeah? - Yeah, you think yoga pose means bendy in a sexy way, but really it means a lot of conversations about how you don't drink enough water.
How's Astrid? No, yeah, she's great.
She's going back to work.
We tried to celebrate tonight, but Felix and Viv were going through a sabotage phase.
I keep telling you having kids is a huge mistake.
And I thought you'd stop telling me that once I had them.
Well, they keep proving my point.
But, unlike your kids, I can actually help.
I have a reservation tomorrow night at Fauf Nine.
It's a phenomenal new place, but I can't go because my dodgeball team made the playoffs.
Wait, you still play ironic sports? I take my dodgeball very seriously.
- Try to hit me with that pillow.
- No.
Smart choice, you would have missed.
- So, this - Fauf All right.
Is it expensive? 'Cause last month I got a parking ticket and I couldn't afford deodorant.
I'll tell you what.
Play your cards right tonight, and maybe you could win the cash you need.
♪ - PERSON 1: I need a hay.
- No, that's what sheeps do.
- Do you have any sheep? - [LAUGHS.]
Don't.
ENNIS: You know where to put it! That's gonna come back to haunt you, I don't know how.
JAMES: All right, sheep for you.
Always fun.
I said I needed sheep! - PERSON 1: Five.
- Okay, okay, okay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Just so you know, I am four points away from being your champion of the evening.
James and I only need one point.
I've faced worse odds.
Are you done? - I need a wheat.
- I've wheat.
- I've wood.
Wood for weed.
- I don't need wood.
I need sheep.
I need sheep.
Okay, stop.
But if I had a wheat, I could build a town, you know, the kind of town that one might take their wife out on.
Well, in this economy, wheat will cost you a sheep.
- Help me out here.
- ENNIS: That's a good price! You won't make the deal? No wheat off my back.
- PERSON 2: Wonderful! - ENNIS: What? PERSON 2: I'm now able to make the longest roads.
- ENNIS: What? - A winning move! Are you serious? Where? PERSON 2: Come on.
Don't be shy, boy.
I still want that reservation.
Wake up, wake up, wake up! JAMES: This shouldn't be happening.
Wake up, wake up, wake up! Can I get an hour? Yeah, I already gave you an hour.
- Your turn to battle the kids.
- You can't win! - Thirty minutes.
- No! You can't go out with your friends and sleep till 9:30.
Get him! No, wait! Time! I made a reservation at Fauf Nine.
Very nice, hard to get into, dinner, just the two of us.
Did you book a babysitter? [GROANS.]
Okay, okay.
I texted your mom, I texted your mom.
- What? - I The last time, they were eating bowls of whipped cream and watching Fast and the Furious.
I know, Felix ruined the ending for me.
Shaw killed Seoul-Oh.
Yes, Shaw killed me as well, I feel like.
Okay, fine.
But just so you know, Viv's pretending to water a garden by pouring milk on the couch, so you're dealing with that.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God! Watch me, I'm Mummy.
And I'm cleaning.
No, Daddy cleans too.
It's everyone's job to tidy the house.
Felix, tidy the slide, both of you clean it! [LINE RINGING.]
- CHUCK: Hello? - Chuck, hi, it's Astrid.
CHUCK: Hi, how are ya? How's the family? I'm good, I'm good, yeah, they're good.
Listen, I was just calling because I wanted to take you up on that job offer.
- CHUCK: So, you're coming back? - Yes.
CHUCK: Well, that's great news! ♪ [CHUCKLES.]
Stop! Stop it! Stop it! - CHUCK: What? - No, no, not you.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry, no, not you.
Yes, I'll totally learn the new software.
- CHUCK: Great! - Yeah, that would be amazing.
Thank you.
FELIX: Hey, I'm cleaning this part.
Nanima's here! - ASTRID: Hi! - I'm here to save the day.
Thank you so much for babysitting.
You know the rules.
No boys, don't touch the thermostat.
This is for lunch and dinner tomorrow.
Aloo Gobi for you, bittoo! - My little vegetarian! - She's not a What? And gummy candies for the kids.
Have they seen the movie Pan's Labyrinth? That's not a kid's movie.
We'll see.
And congratulations on your job.
Dawn was worried you'd given up on your feminist ideals.
- What? No! - Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I ran into Christine's mom in Hyde Park.
I haven't seen Christine in 20 years.
Well, her brother's a gambling addict, and he stole Marco's van.
So, that's where she's at.
Okay, I don't Okay, well, why don't you go get changed for your big night? This is what I'm wearing.
You don't have something shinier? Uh-oh.
Is that the in-laws? Get out of here, Nisha! You ruined my daughter's life, you sack of crap! - Oh, my God! Okay.
- Okay.
Just put a little extra mustard on that one, this time.
[CHUCKLES.]
We're just having fun.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
- Are we under-dressed? - Almost always.
Hello, we've reservations for eight under Ennis, I think.
Looks like you guys are already here.
And I said, "It's more like reodorant.
" - You know what I mean? - PERSON: Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
- Hey, Ennis.
Hi.
Right.
I was supposed to give you this table.
JAMES: Mm-hm.
But then I met Penelope here while I was at Zara's, - Shopping for socks.
- Good evening.
What's this? - Astrid, you look great.
- Thank you.
I just dressed up 'cause I was looking forward to the night out.
Yeah, I thought you guys couldn't afford this place.
- We can't.
- Yeah.
We're only here because you gave us the reservation.
Now what do you want me to do? James, how's your duck? It's great, Ennis, thank you.
It's cool.
So, Penelope, um, - you work at Zara? - No, I work for an NGO.
I help develop non-GMO enriched rice for developing countries.
That's cool.
Sounds fulfilling.
Yeah, it really is.
How about you? Oh.
Job-wise, I'm a data analyst for the city.
Well, I was, but now I'm just a mom.
No such thing as just a mom, she's amazing.
You guys have kids.
I love kids.
- You do? Well, that's great.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, my God, my mom's saying something's wrong.
She says it's Felix.
It's his stomach.
It's a stabbing pain, he's in tears! Oh, my God, did he actually eat glass last night? [ASTRID GRUNTS.]
I'll get the check.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
So hungry.
Yeah.
He didn't eat the food after the glass broke.
I did.
Somebody had to.
Do you need help? Could you just hold him for a second? - ASTRID: Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
Remember when Viv ate a spider? Just smashed it up with a block and put it in her mouth.
Like a I only have eyes ♪ For you ♪ I wanna have another baby.
I'll just take him back now.
Sure.
Since when? Since I can't stop thinking about it.
[JAMES STUTTERS.]
We agreed on two.
And we did it! We get one of each gender, it's like the perfect I mean, I know gender's a spectrum Okay, but I can't shake this feeling that someone is missing, like our family is not totally complete.
Can we try getting a guinea pig and see if that hits the spot? What about going back to work? What about money? I'm almost 40, we're just starting to go back out again.
I get that it doesn't make sense.
I'm just telling you how I feel.
And I appreciate that and I support how you feel.
But I feel the opposite.
- PERSON: Mr.
and Mrs.
Berney? - Yes.
I had a look at the X-rays, and I haven't been able to locate any glass.
Yeah, we didn't find any when we checked his bum.
- "We.
" - PERSON: The intestines are here, and you see these black circles here and here? Why are they perfectly round? What are the black circles? It's gas.
He just needs to vacate the gas and he'll probably feel fine.
- So, you're prescribing a fart? - Yes.
A warm bath, or gently massaging No, no, he knows how.
He'll be thrilled.
Thank you.
ASTRID: So, are the studies right? Are parents less happy than the childless people who have all their free time and money to themselves? - Probably.
- JAMES: Definitely.
Hey! Look at this.
It's the who's who of the vegan food scene.
You made it! JAMES: Being a parent can suck.
Every injury, every heartache, every mess, you're in charge.
I'm sorry you didn't get to celebrate going back to work.
We're celebrating now.
Yes, we are.
To Astrid.
To Astrid.
- To Astrid.
- Cheers.
ASTRID: But there are moments, incredible moments that you can't find anywhere else.
Life isn't always as fun or cool as it was before.
JAMES: Never.
Not even close.
But those moments, they make up for it.
ASTRID: So, we just try to have as many as we can.
JAMES: She means moments, not kids.
ASTRID: You don't know what I mean.
Okay, all right, that's nice.
Okay, hi, hi.
[FELIX CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Try to hit me with one of those pillows.
- No.
- No, go ahead, give it a shot.
- See how fast I can move.
- I'll believe you.
- I choose to believe you.
- Look ahead.
Ready? Wanna see how fast I can move? Oh.
In the face, see that's not allowed.
You can't hit me in the face.
So, that's how I get you.
Okay.