Clarence US (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Fun Dungeon Face-off
1 I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! Why, hello there! I didn't see ya come in.
I'm Buckey O'Neil.
I was a famous hero in the civil war, and then I fought with Teddy Roosevelt in the Rough Riders.
But my greatest achievement - was ma chicken! Heh! - Yee-Haw! When other folks was pannin' for gold nuggets, I was pannin' for chicken nuggets! The locals loved my chicken so much, they traded all their land for it! Heh! Pretty convenient.
And that's how the town of Aberdale was founded! Yee-haw! Why, hello there! I didn't see ya come in.
I'm Buckey O'Neil.
The burgers here are good, the chicken nugget's good the fries are good and the soda pop is really good! - I only like the fries here.
- What? - You don't like the burgers? - No.
- What about the nuggets? - Nope.
- Not even the burgers? - No.
What about the Fun-Dungeon? Welcome to Rough Riders chicken.
What can I get you? Uh, hi.
I'll just have the, uh, chicken parfait.
I want that one! - The hip watchers' chicken salad? - Yeah.
Okay.
One hip watchers chicken salad.
For you? Uhhhh can-I-get-aaaa - chicknbagarustastol? - W-What was that, sweetie? He said he wants a chicken burger with rooster sauce.
Okay chicken burger with rooster sauce.
Yeah, yeah! Witchicknoogas.
- So - Can't you hear him? He said he wants the chicken nuggets.
All right, then.
And what would you like? - I would like a scout meal.
- Okay, then! Except take out the burger.
I just want the fries, the drink, and the toy.
Um, sweetie, we're not allowed to do that.
- You have to order the burger with it.
- But I only like the fries here.
Why can't I just get it minus the burger? 'Cause that's how it works.
You order a scout meal, you have to get the burger.
All right, then.
Here's what I want you to do.
I'd like a side of fries, a kid's size drink, and one of those toys.
The boy one, not the girl one.
And you know those bags that say "scout meal"? Put it all in one of those for me, please.
Honey, I am not gonna do that.
Jeff, why don't you just give the burger to Sumo? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I'm sorry, Mary, but I can't.
It's the principle of the thing.
Ma'am, we can't give him a scout meal without the burger.
- It'd be against the rules.
- Just put it on the side.
This is not what I wanted.
So you guys wanna go in the Fun-Dungeon yet? - I I don't think I will.
- You're joking me, right? Well, I I'm terrible at playing, and Anyway, ball pits are filthy.
Do you know how many kids have probably thrown up in there? But it's worth it.
Hey, Clarence.
Wanna try my blood burger? Sure! Try all my stuff! - Uh - No, like this.
- You want some? - I'm I'm good.
Okay.
Uh, Mary, may I be excused? Hey, buddy? Can I have one of your friiiiiiiiies? Nooooooo! Jeff, why don't we use our inside voices, okay? Geez, Jeff.
Take it easy.
I'm I'm sorry.
I just - I don't like people touching my fries.
- I guess so.
I'm going to the bathroom.
Clarence, I want you to promise me.
Make a solemn promise you will not touch my fries.
I will stand here and pee myself until you promise.
Really? Clarence, I'm serious.
Do you promise? - Promise me.
- What.
Promise me! - All right.
I won't touch your fries! - Really? - Yup.
I'm believing you, Clarence.
I know you're not gonna lie to me.
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm walking to the bathroom.
- 'Kay.
- Walking around the corner.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Sumo.
- Hmm? - Guess what? - What? - Are you gonna eat 'em? - No.
I'm just gonna trick him into playing with us.
- Awright! - He'll be so surprised when he finds out they're in my pocket! Tee-hee.
Sumo! Wait! You gotta put your shoes in the cubby, see? - And then ya put on a fresh pair.
- Fresh.
Ooh, he's coming out! Let's hide! My My fri My frieeees! Oh, lord.
Claaaareeeeence! Oh, man.
We sure got him! Yeah, we did.
Now he has to have fun.
- Where are they?! - I dunno.
Clarence is the mastermind! - Help! - Aah! - Aah! - Oh! - Where are my fries, Clarence? - Why don'tcha come and get 'em? See, isn't this fun? Uh, pink or blue?! Pink or blue?! - Clarence! - Hi.
Bye.
But, daddy, I don't wanna stay on the farm.
I wanna go to the city.
You best know yer place, little lady.
Clarence! Come on Jeff.
Take it easy! I was just kidding! Come back here, Clarence! Oh, hey, Mary! Oh, hey, Sammy! How are you? I'm good! Are you here with Clarence? Well, I'm not here for the food! Right.
Oh, him and a few buddies are playing right now.
Oh, well, maybe Sean could join them! You think him and Clarence would get along? Oh, for sure! All the kids love Clarence! I'm gonna kill you, Clarence! - Jeff, will you just listen?! - Explain how you ate my fries! I didn't! Jeff, I didn't eat your Oh! Unh, ooph! This is what you get, Clarence.
This is what happens when you eat another man's fries! Jeff, please! I didn't.
They're right here.
They were here the whole time.
Here take 'em! Oh, no! Clarence, listen.
I I have my own complex reasons for things, things you could never understand.
Reasons for people not to touch my fries.
Reasons I never go into fun spaces.
Well, how'd you get up here? Oh, yeah.
Well, um You're not gonna let me die? - If you die, I die, too.
- Whoa! Whoooooa! Oh.
- Mnh.
- Ow! - Wow.
- Whoa! Ooph! Wow.
You guys are playing too rough.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Ooph! - Hi.
Hey, Jeff.
Uh, I'm sorry I took your fries.
Oh, well, um I'm sorry I tried to kill you.
It's okay.
That made it more fun, I guess.
- Yeah.
It kinda did.
- Friends? Sure.
- Friends.
- Yup, friends.
I can't find my light-up princess shoes! Oh, snap too cool so hot yeah Chick-A-Cha Hey, Sumo, where's your little cow toy? Yeah, whatever.
I don't care about no girly toy.
When I got that girl toy, my life changed she was all I had, when Jeff was mad it was good to have her by my side and I know she'll be myyyyy beeeest briiiiide oh, that's right, she's gone for good.
I'm Buckey O'Neil.
I was a famous hero in the civil war, and then I fought with Teddy Roosevelt in the Rough Riders.
But my greatest achievement - was ma chicken! Heh! - Yee-Haw! When other folks was pannin' for gold nuggets, I was pannin' for chicken nuggets! The locals loved my chicken so much, they traded all their land for it! Heh! Pretty convenient.
And that's how the town of Aberdale was founded! Yee-haw! Why, hello there! I didn't see ya come in.
I'm Buckey O'Neil.
The burgers here are good, the chicken nugget's good the fries are good and the soda pop is really good! - I only like the fries here.
- What? - You don't like the burgers? - No.
- What about the nuggets? - Nope.
- Not even the burgers? - No.
What about the Fun-Dungeon? Welcome to Rough Riders chicken.
What can I get you? Uh, hi.
I'll just have the, uh, chicken parfait.
I want that one! - The hip watchers' chicken salad? - Yeah.
Okay.
One hip watchers chicken salad.
For you? Uhhhh can-I-get-aaaa - chicknbagarustastol? - W-What was that, sweetie? He said he wants a chicken burger with rooster sauce.
Okay chicken burger with rooster sauce.
Yeah, yeah! Witchicknoogas.
- So - Can't you hear him? He said he wants the chicken nuggets.
All right, then.
And what would you like? - I would like a scout meal.
- Okay, then! Except take out the burger.
I just want the fries, the drink, and the toy.
Um, sweetie, we're not allowed to do that.
- You have to order the burger with it.
- But I only like the fries here.
Why can't I just get it minus the burger? 'Cause that's how it works.
You order a scout meal, you have to get the burger.
All right, then.
Here's what I want you to do.
I'd like a side of fries, a kid's size drink, and one of those toys.
The boy one, not the girl one.
And you know those bags that say "scout meal"? Put it all in one of those for me, please.
Honey, I am not gonna do that.
Jeff, why don't you just give the burger to Sumo? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I'm sorry, Mary, but I can't.
It's the principle of the thing.
Ma'am, we can't give him a scout meal without the burger.
- It'd be against the rules.
- Just put it on the side.
This is not what I wanted.
So you guys wanna go in the Fun-Dungeon yet? - I I don't think I will.
- You're joking me, right? Well, I I'm terrible at playing, and Anyway, ball pits are filthy.
Do you know how many kids have probably thrown up in there? But it's worth it.
Hey, Clarence.
Wanna try my blood burger? Sure! Try all my stuff! - Uh - No, like this.
- You want some? - I'm I'm good.
Okay.
Uh, Mary, may I be excused? Hey, buddy? Can I have one of your friiiiiiiiies? Nooooooo! Jeff, why don't we use our inside voices, okay? Geez, Jeff.
Take it easy.
I'm I'm sorry.
I just - I don't like people touching my fries.
- I guess so.
I'm going to the bathroom.
Clarence, I want you to promise me.
Make a solemn promise you will not touch my fries.
I will stand here and pee myself until you promise.
Really? Clarence, I'm serious.
Do you promise? - Promise me.
- What.
Promise me! - All right.
I won't touch your fries! - Really? - Yup.
I'm believing you, Clarence.
I know you're not gonna lie to me.
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm walking to the bathroom.
- 'Kay.
- Walking around the corner.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Sumo.
- Hmm? - Guess what? - What? - Are you gonna eat 'em? - No.
I'm just gonna trick him into playing with us.
- Awright! - He'll be so surprised when he finds out they're in my pocket! Tee-hee.
Sumo! Wait! You gotta put your shoes in the cubby, see? - And then ya put on a fresh pair.
- Fresh.
Ooh, he's coming out! Let's hide! My My fri My frieeees! Oh, lord.
Claaaareeeeence! Oh, man.
We sure got him! Yeah, we did.
Now he has to have fun.
- Where are they?! - I dunno.
Clarence is the mastermind! - Help! - Aah! - Aah! - Oh! - Where are my fries, Clarence? - Why don'tcha come and get 'em? See, isn't this fun? Uh, pink or blue?! Pink or blue?! - Clarence! - Hi.
Bye.
But, daddy, I don't wanna stay on the farm.
I wanna go to the city.
You best know yer place, little lady.
Clarence! Come on Jeff.
Take it easy! I was just kidding! Come back here, Clarence! Oh, hey, Mary! Oh, hey, Sammy! How are you? I'm good! Are you here with Clarence? Well, I'm not here for the food! Right.
Oh, him and a few buddies are playing right now.
Oh, well, maybe Sean could join them! You think him and Clarence would get along? Oh, for sure! All the kids love Clarence! I'm gonna kill you, Clarence! - Jeff, will you just listen?! - Explain how you ate my fries! I didn't! Jeff, I didn't eat your Oh! Unh, ooph! This is what you get, Clarence.
This is what happens when you eat another man's fries! Jeff, please! I didn't.
They're right here.
They were here the whole time.
Here take 'em! Oh, no! Clarence, listen.
I I have my own complex reasons for things, things you could never understand.
Reasons for people not to touch my fries.
Reasons I never go into fun spaces.
Well, how'd you get up here? Oh, yeah.
Well, um You're not gonna let me die? - If you die, I die, too.
- Whoa! Whoooooa! Oh.
- Mnh.
- Ow! - Wow.
- Whoa! Ooph! Wow.
You guys are playing too rough.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Ooph! - Hi.
Hey, Jeff.
Uh, I'm sorry I took your fries.
Oh, well, um I'm sorry I tried to kill you.
It's okay.
That made it more fun, I guess.
- Yeah.
It kinda did.
- Friends? Sure.
- Friends.
- Yup, friends.
I can't find my light-up princess shoes! Oh, snap too cool so hot yeah Chick-A-Cha Hey, Sumo, where's your little cow toy? Yeah, whatever.
I don't care about no girly toy.
When I got that girl toy, my life changed she was all I had, when Jeff was mad it was good to have her by my side and I know she'll be myyyyy beeeest briiiiide oh, that's right, she's gone for good.