Cleaners (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Hey, sweetheart.
Want to go to the park, play with the other kids? Give your head a rest? Hey, Tyler, do you hear me? I don't want to.
I don't like how they call me special.
All right, I'll be right back, okay? You stay right there.
Hello? Yeah, good morning, ma'am.
My name is Phillip McCracken.
I'm from the Foundation for Starving Children Around the World, or as we like to call it, the FFSCATW.
You might have heard of us.
I'm sorry, I don't have much time right now.
Did you know in the time it took you to answer this call, 20,000 children died around the world of malnutrition? Did you know that? They just-- Huh? Yeah, in fact, just wait a second.
Yeah, there goes another one.
Boom, just like that.
Hello? Tyler? Tyler? Tyler! Veronica, it's Mother.
Meet me at La Chen at 9 a.
m.
Get a table outside.
It's a lovely day.
I have a job for you.
It will all be over soon.
But will it all be worth it? You wanted out.
This job gives you that opportunity.
So yes.
Mother.
Veronica.
My darling.
Coffee? Tea? Too early for something stronger? It's past noon somewhere in the world.
Ma'am, there's no smoking here.
But we're outside.
At a restaurant.
Who is it? - What? - Excuse me? What is it? - Okay, what is it? - A car.
What do you want done with it? Take it from one location and drive it to the next.
From where and where? That's it? Drive said car from A to B? It's currently being watched.
No eyes should be left blinking.
Must be a pretty valuable car.
It's a classic.
Once in car, stick to speed limit.
Follow traffic signals.
Don't stop at go.
Don't collect $200.
Go directly to B.
Am I clear? Crystal.
By the way, it's a two-person job.
Okay, so Julian? Oh, the new kid, Kyle? He's a little green but he's a great wheelman, so-- - Roxie.
- You're hilarious.
I am when I tell a joke.
Did you forget what happened last time? She helped get the job done.
A tornado would have got the job done with less damage.
A to B.
That's it.
I'm sure you can handle her for that long.
Goodbye, Veronica.
Goodbye, Mother.
Wait, where do I find her? Hi, I'm not here to take your call right now, but if you please leave a message-- Outside.
I'm sorry, but you've reached the message bank of-- Now.
Good morning, sweetheart.
- Is it? - What? Morning.
I know, right? Shame we never got the chance to meet.
I'm Gerry.
I'm leaving.
Wait, hold on, hold on.
Where's the fire? There it is.
You feel that? Ooh.
All right, Gerry.
Will you let me go if I give you a little head? That sounds delicious.
All right.
Great.
Here you go.
Phew.
Now, Gerry, that was just a little head.
Next time, I'll really fuck you.
Call me.
Veronica.
Roxie.
You want some? Mmm.
Breakfast of champions.
Planning your retirement festivities? Oh, yes.
I'm counting the days till I'm all over that shuffleboard court.
It doesn't have to be like that.
Trust me, retirement for me has nothing to do with mahjong and mai tais.
Please, Julian, have one yourself.
I'm fine, Mother.
Thank you.
Well, then at least stop hovering.
- How'd it go? - It went.
What now? It's currently being moved to a secure location.
I'll keep it on ice till you settle my account.
Very good.
I'll be out in a week.
Mr.
Madden, we've know each other a long time.
And will all due respect, when you say you'll be out in a week, I must ask you how.
You're serving 20 and you just got in.
You ever heard of the expression "Money talks, bullshit walks"? Mr.
Madden.
You're the bullshit? Bingo.
One week.
You take care of the package till then.
Thank you, Wayne.
Tell me about the guys you used.
Four East Coast transplants.
Professional enough to handle the job.
Not professional enough to be a part of any network that will miss them.
In a word, expendable.
I'll deal with loose ends.
Is that what we're calling them? It's what they are.
I know you're conflicted.
It proves that muscle in your chest beats every few minutes.
But if you're willing to walk away from this game, the only shadow that should ever follow you out should be your own.
What about you, Julian? Well, how can I follow you, Mother, when I'll always be one step ahead? I caught this kid sleeping on a subway.
A thousand dollars.
Why a thousand? What is that about? That's-- That's me, dog.
That's what I do.
- What about you? - What about me what? Cheapest you ever did it for.
Oh, what's that? Kill somebody? No, uh, give them a massage and a cup of coffee.
Yeah, kill them.
What do you think we're talking about here? What's the daily limit at an ATM? I don't know.
About $500? There you go.
You did a guy for 500 bucks? Could have been less.
Come on, man.
Get out of here.
Come on.
I was at that East Side strip joint.
What's it called? Cheekie's.
No, it's Checkers.
I think it's called Cheetah's.
Who calls a strip club Checkers, you idiot? That's what it is.
I've been there.
That spot is Cheetah's.
It's Cheekie's.
It doesn't matter.
So I'm sitting next to the stage and I'm trying to eat one of their chicken kebabs, which is, you know, let's face it, four pieces of rubber on a cheap stick.
You know what? That is Cheekie's.
Roxie, please stop.
You're giving me a brain hemorrhage.
Oh, I'm sorry, grandma.
Do you want to listen to some Talk Back, maybe? Maybe a little Prairie Home Companion? That's it.
All right, what's our play here? Oh, not that old chestnut.
Mm-hmm.
Four men.
Works every time.
The stripper in the show, she's some 4-foot Hobbit with less hairy feet, but tits like the underside of a Black Angus, right? I'm still trying to get this damn piece of chicken off this freaking stick.
She leans over, grabs her right one, and boom, squeezes it right in my face.
Oh! Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
As my witness.
Anyway, I take my kebab, and I go to the bathroom and I clean up, right? That's where I some guy bitching about his missus.
I mean, not the regular, oh, you know, "the wife's pissing me off but I'll get over it" kind of thing.
No, this guy was at the end of his rope.
So I follow him out and I make him an offer he can't refuse.
Ten minutes later we're draining his bank account.
Boom.
The wife doesn't live through the night.
So how does she die? She choked to death.
Seems she some trouble with the chicken as well.
Can you believe Mother teamed us up again? No.
I mean, especially after Vegas, huh? I reminded her of that.
That's all right.
I had your back.
You had my back? Yeah.
You know, I cleaned up your mess.
Roxie, I don't know how your little goldfish memory chooses to remember those events, but let me tell you this: You did not clean-- Hey, that's Mother.
God, it's like she's telekinetic.
Telepathic.
What? Telekinetic is the ability to move objects using psychic power.
Telepathic is the ability to read one's mind and mental content.
Jesus, what did you have for breakfast? Wikipedia? Yes, Mother? Call you when it's done.
It's on.
Shouldn't that Julian guy be here by now? I mean, we can't sit in the car all night.
Take two of those, chill out.
What? I'm just saying we can't sit in the car all night.
We're dealing with a pro here.
Let's everybody just act accordingly.
You think he's still asleep? That horse tranq I gave him, it's gonna keep him under for a few days.
Especially someone his size.
Ah, ah.
Everyone relax.
It's probably just Joanne.
Can I, uh, help you there, doll face? OMG, I am so sorry to bother you, but I can't find my Bacon, and I've just been calling, like, "Bacon, Bacon!" But, you know, I just can't seem to find him-- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
Now take a breath.
Who or what is a Bacon? Well, Bacon's my dog.
Ew.
He, like, totally ran off.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Must be a big dog, huh? Well, he's a big angel.
But, you know, a car backfired and he just took off.
And I need to call my girlfriend for help, but my cell died.
And I know it's a totally terrible imposition.
It would be so great if I could borrow your phone.
You know, I can-- I can totally pay you for the call.
Keep the tips there, sweet cheeks.
- Oh.
- Come on in.
Oh, thank you so much.
Yeah.
Oh.
Heh.
Wow.
Uh, buy me a drink first.
We're a bunch of nervous Nellies around here, you know? Oh.
Okay.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Am I interrupting your boys' night? Oh, are you kidding? It's nice to add a little sauce to this sausage fest.
How about, uh, I get you something to drink, and a garbage can.
Okay.
Oh, you know what? A a drink would be yummy.
What are you fellas having? Beer? You know, I really think a beer would calm my nerves.
Allow me.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Damn, that is one lucky dog to have someone like you to take such good care of it.
You know, you You're the angel.
Oh.
Here's to, uh, bringing home the Bacon.
So about that phone.
Heh.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
Call your friend.
Yeah.
She needs to come over.
The more the merrier.
Right.
We'll, uh, all go find poor old Bacon together, okay? That would be so sweet.
Yeah.
I'm a fucking saint.
It's ringing.
Yeah.
Good.
Who the fuck is that? My friend.
See you on the flip side, sweet cheeks.
I don't know where the hell she's coming.
Really? That's what this is all about? God, it's a classic.
Classic piece of shit.
We got to lickety-split.
What's up with you? I have to pee.
Well, you're gonna have to wait till we get there.
Uh-huh.
Oh, it must be all the excitement.
Please, Veronica! Don't stop at go, don't collect $200.
Drive the car from A to B.
That was the direction.
Yes, I know.
I got the same speech.
Please, please pull over.
It'll take 30 seconds.
Sorry.
No can do.
Oh! Shit! Don't have a choice now, do you? Heh.
God, it's like you willed that to happen.
Maybe I'm telekinetic.
Oh Crap.
Roxie.
Hold on.
I'm almost done.
I think you were right.
I don't think this has anything to do with just the car.
Fuck me.