Clone High (2002) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Tonight, on a very special Clone High.
Way way back in the 1980s' Secret government employees Dug up famous guys and ladies And made amusing genetic copies Now the clones are sexy teens, now They're gonna make it if they try Loving learning challenge judging Time to laugh and shiver and Cry Clone High, Clone High Gandhi, this year is going to be different.
I'm taller I've got slightly bigger sideburns I spent all summer on my high fives and my finger snaps.
I finally I have the acceptance I've so craved! Joan of Arc! On top! Don't touch me, Gandhi Too slow! Welcome back, Joan.
You got breasts.
Jeez Abe, you grew like, a foot.
You grew like, a pair of breasts.
Luckily the extra height doesn't feel that awkward-- Dinger! I'm up.
I wish I'd seen you more over the summer but, - I was at camp.
- Was it breast camp? Okay, you get one more.
Well, brand new year, same old faces.
Hiya, Kennedy.
I invaded her Bay of Pigs.
If you catch my meaning.
Oh yeah.
Steamed vegetables.
What'd mama make for you? Nine fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and a thermos full of tranquillisers, thank you very much.
I have left the building.
Man, one of the Elvis twins really let himself go.
Hasn't anyone here grown at all? - You were thinkin' it.
- I know.
You know Abe, I've been thinking, I'm gonna date a lot more this year.
Uh-huh, yeah, I wanna date Cleopatra.
She's attractive, smart, athletic, good looking, she's hot, photogenic, she takes pride in her appearance I guess what I'm trying to say is, I admire her commitment to community service.
You don't think dating an old friend would be better? You know, maybe someone that you know, you take for granted - Nah, I like Cleo.
- But Abe, think about it.
- Like an old friend, you know-- - Nope.
Cleo.
Only Cleo.
Hi Abe.
Are those longer sideburns? Abe.
I think you're bleeding.
Not.
Now.
Fine.
I'll go wait for you by the gauze.
Cleopatra, comin' at ya! Do I know you? Gandhi.
We had every class together last year? I gave you one of my kidneys? I miss him.
I was your foster brother for ten years until you convinced our parents I wasn't good enough for your image and you had me transferred to another home? - Benji? - Gandhi.
Oh, that's so great for you.
Anyway, Abe, JFK's having a party Friday.
I hope I see you there.
Hey, Cleo.
Why yes, these are longer sideburns.
The first day of school's always awkward, and just to let you know, I can relate.
You see I'm not just your kindly history teacher, I'm also the first mostly human clone.
Spliced in a little sheep DNA.
Which is fine, with me.
You can't even tell, Mr Sheepman.
Thank you! Before you leave, we have an announcement from Miss Of Arc.
I admire her commitment to community service.
Now, I know I don't have to tell you how committed I am to community service.
That's why I'm starting a teen crisis hot line, and I'm looking for volunteers.
Dude, that's a three story drop! I don't care, I'm goin' for it.
Oh my god, I can see my bone! Oh young, unsuspecting clones.
Little do they know, I control them! The greatest minds the world has ever known! For what, is more powerful, than a high school PRINCIPAL!! Doctor Scudworth.
Sorry to disturb you, but there's growing concern among the Secret Board of Shadowy Figures that you may be completely insane.
BLASPHEMY! Yeah, well, you do have a robot butler named Mr Butlertron.
Anyone for scones? Why, creating a mechanical British servant is no more eccentric than that tie you're wearing.
Coffee, Wesley? He calls everyone Wesley.
Don't know why.
Yeah, that's fascinating.
But we're paying you to monitor these clones as closely as possible, so if you want to keep your job, you can either write a report proving you know what it's like to be a student at Clone High, I'll do no such thing! Or I'm to kill you.
I'll title it, "What's It's Like To Be A Teenage Clone" colon, "A Rope Of Sand".
Good title.
It draws the reader in without giving too much away Wesley.
Lincoln! I got dibs on that Cleopatra broad, so back off! She's numbers one and two, on my list, of 150 women to bang this year! What cha doing in here, buddy, making a Lincoln log? What's up, Fitzy baby, party at your place on Friday, right? Rocking! Yeah, pysched for the rager, j-JFK.
Dawg.
I will see you there.
And by will, I mean won't! 'Cause you're not invited.
I, uh, wasn't sure if I was clear earlier.
So, uh, you're not.
Invited, that is.
To my party! Forgot to wash my hands! We've gotta get to that party.
Dude, we're never going to get invited, sitting here, surrounded by geeks.
They're not geeks, Gandhi.
They're just delightfully eccentric.
Hello, cohorts.
It is I, George Washington Carver.
And I spent my summer bioengineering this anthropomorphic peanut.
Hi ho, guv'ner.
I'd shake your hands, but you know.
Peanut arms! All right, they're geeks, but we have better things to do than worry about who or what we're seen with.
No, Gandhi's right.
This isn't about who we hang out with.
This is about not having to put your hand on your own buttock and pretend it's a woman's breast.
All I'm sayin' is, a girl is interested in me, and I'm not going to ignore it.
Abe, I want you.
You want me to what? Forget what you were going to say? Happens to me all the time.
Well! I'm off! What? Kennedy, I have a proposition for you.
Mark my words, Lincoln, you and your friends are uh, not coming to that party! I'll get the beer.
Be there at eight! SHAZAAM! We're in! Any ideas on how to get the beer? Nope.
It's time for the presidential fitness test! Where we make you even more insecure about your bodies, by checking you while you perform arbitrary physical tasks! I can't believe we got Elanor Roosevelt as a gym teacher.
Yeah, he's great.
You know Abe, tonight I finally have a night off from the hotline? Which is, community service.
So I was thinking we could like, you know, carpool to JFK's party, you know, save gas Like talkin', Of Arc? Well, you can talk your tight little buns into principal Scudworth's office! Slowly Hey, stud.
I'm so glad you're getting the beer tonight.
I just love underage drinking.
I know? Okay, how the hell am I gonna get that beer? Easy.
Tell them they heard you wrong.
What you said was "I'll get the beards".
That makes no sense.
Yeah, but if you think about it, it would still be a pretty sweet party.
This is the best party ever, thanks Gandhi! Okay, Ghengis Khan.
If the clerk asks if you're over twenty-one, say yes, got it? You over twenty-one? Okay.
He used a very tricky line of questioning.
Let's practice again.
Are you over twenty-one? Yes.
You over twenty-one? No.
So I guess you're twenty-one.
I am twenty-one.
I'm not twenty-one! Miss Of Arc! I'll overlook your little gym class disruption if you'll help me with a report I'm writing.
Tell me your likes and dislikes! Well I dislike being tied to a chair.
Good! I'll use a big font, futz with the margins and I'll be home in time for Jay Leeno! You would like Leno.
How dare you insult that big chinned everyman and his various African-American bandleaders! Perhaps you'll learn some respect spending the rest of the afternoon in my DEATH MAZE! Oh, this is useless.
I need to observe the teenagers in their element.
I will be Diane Fossy, and they the gorillas.
But where, can I find, the mist? Attention students.
JFK will be having a huge kegger night.
STUDENTS ONLY! That is all.
You seem to have this compulsion to "nail" Cleo.
Whaddaya think drives this desire to act overly macho? Well uh, it's my foster parents.
You uh, know that show "My Two Dads"? It's uh, like that but more gay! Mm, look how nice he looks in the dockers we bought him.
Daaaad! What, you're too good to be gay like your old man?! Carl, it is not his fault.
Baby was born that way.
Death maze, huh? Oh, I was in the maze once.
It was hot.
You know, I'm hot now.
I think I'll take my shirt off.
Ready for the weekend! Gandhi, I think it's really big of you to skip the party and work the hotline tonight.
Uh, of course.
Sure, I buckled under the pressure of living up to the original Gandhi and became a non stop party machine, but dammit, I still care.
So Joan? You can count on me.
Uh no, no, I'm not at a party, we're just really busy here at the teen hotline! Susie, Kelly, do me a favour and make out! So, you're depressed.
Hey everybody, it's me, Abe! Hey everybody, it's a keg of beer! Abe! Hey, I thought you had to work the hotline tonight.
No man, I just forwarded the calls to my cell phone! Look, I'll talk to you when you can stop crying.
You're not afraid of Joan catching and ultimately killing you? Oh, uh, I'm scared.
Well I think I'll just jump of this balcony in case she-- Oh my God! Well congratulations, Abe.
The people were clamouring to make asses of themselves, and you gave them the means to do it.
Not exactly.
I uh, I could only get non-alcoholic beer.
They're going to be able to tell.
I'm a pony.
You'll be fine.
Joan, do you ever like someone so much you're afraid you're gonna blurt out something stupid? I have a rash on my back.
Are you sure this is the best way to do research? Won't they be able to tell we're not students? You underestimate me, my metal friend.
Whassup, fellow students? Raise the roof! Raise it! Where are my bitches? Sometimes I just turn the lights off in my room and cry.
I'm sorry uh, Van Gough, could you speak up? The only way I can cling to my sanity is that nobody knows how lonely I truely am.
He's sad.
Hilarious! Hey.
Am I on speakerphone? Hey, would Gandhi put somebody on speakerphone? No! Jesus Gandhi, how could you? Hey man, Gandhi's anti-violence, not anti-comedy.
Whew.
Feels good to help people.
Want to talk about it? You wouldn't understand.
Maybe you should tell Abe how you really feeeeeeel.
What good would that do? Maybe he just thinks you don't think he doesn't want to not ruin the friendship.
You make it sound so simple.
Maybe one of us just needs to make the first move.
Maybe that one of us is yoouu.
Thanks, Mr B.
I love you.
Don't mention it Wesley.
You know Abe, maybe it's the beer talking.
I doubt it.
It's just I always saw you as this honest guy, but now I'm seeing you as a cool guy who just happens to be honest.
Doesn't that blow your mind? That's me.
Cool, honest Abe.
Oh, Abe.
It's like there's a tin can phone from your brain to my heart.
That no good cheating tramp! Hey, get off my dinghy! Not you.
What do you think you are uh, doing? Look Kennedy, we kissed.
And I don't wanna exaggerate the importance of it, but we're gonna be together forever.
Come on, she's drunk! She also kissed the talking peanut! Right here on me left nut! So uh, who's it gonna be? Cleo, I care about you.
And every moment we spend together makes me want to know you more.
My abs are so firm you can grate cheese on 'em! It's so hard to choose.
I need some time to be alone! Nacho? Oh man, that does suck.
If that were me, I would totally kill myself.
Hello? Hey Joan, cool stun gun! Wait, I can explain-- Ow! I'm forwarding-- Oo! Egg whites only.
Teen Crisis Hotline, we're here because we care.
Not a pinata! It's me! Your memorable school chum, Cloney McStudent! Pinata! Well, choosing between a jerk who's good for your image and a nice sensitive guy is not really much of a problem What should I do? Go for the jerk! Ooh, and sleep with him right away, it's never too early for your first time.
Oh and also, don't floss your teeth.
You do have to make sacrifices to be the best.
dammit.
You know what? Go with the nicer guy.
And, flossing keeps gums healthy and removes plaque from hard to brush areas.
Did you just screw yourself! You know, even if these pants do fall off, I'm still wearing boxers.
Ah, good thing there was no one around to see that.
Oh yes.
No one indeed.
After consulting, a random person on the telephone, I've come to a decision.
I choose you.
Oh! Dammit.
Great.
Abe.
I'm Happy.
Sorry my dear boy, salty seconds! Wanna beer? Sure.
Maybe pretending to be drunk will ease the pain.
So uh, are you uh, drunk enough yet to sleep with me? Bobby! Answer the question! Dinger! Well, well, well.
If it isn't my old friend.
Underage drinking.
So we meet again.
How are you, underage drinking? Besides illegal? Underage drinking? Shame on all of you! Shaaame! Back to you, Kojack.
This kid's not sober, is he? And none of you are twenty-one, are you? And these pot stickers aren't made with real crab, are they? I stand corrected.
You! You're holding a beer, get in.
Get in! Well that's two, which is all we can fit in the squad car.
The rest of you are free to go.
Come on Abe.
Leave your friends behind, and come back to my soundproofed basement.
Let.
Them.
Go.
Son.
If we don't enforce the drinking age, then the excitement of sneaking aroun to get wasted might disappear forever.
Do you want that on your shoulders, pal? It's non alcoholic beer.
I knew it! I guess I was just looking for what all of us are.
Acceptance.
Loser! He coughed! I am so funny.
Where's my report? Shadowy Figure! It's actually a funny story.
I was working on it, and I tried to email it to myself, but then my roommate-- That is a funny story.
Mr Butlertron.
Lower the shades and lay down a tarp.
Okay! I spent an entire weekend among the teenagers! I was humiliated, degraded, judged.
I felt so alone.
Where'd he go? I guess you proved to him you understand what it feels like to be a teenager and a pinata.
Well from now on, I'll be more sensitive to the awkwardness and the emotional insecurity of today's youth! Out of my way, fatty! You too, bad skin.
Well, I'm not gonna let this get me down.
Dinger! I'm up! Look, right now you're a loser, a big one, but soon someone else will make an even bigger ass of themselves, and everyone else will forget about what a big big big big loser you are.
Thanks, Van Gough.
I hate this school.
Next week on a very special Clone High: Abe's competition with JFK heats up at the school election.
Gandhi provides some sort of comic relief.
And special guest star Marilyn Manson makes a shocking confession.
My name is Marilyn Manson, and I'll see you next time, at Clone High.