Close Enough (2020) s01e01 Episode Script


JOSH: We're live
with the final event.
Candice the Crusher is gonna try
and set the world record.
And go!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTING]
[LAUGHS]
[SLOW-MOTION LAUGHING]
[SLOW-MOTION]
Go, Candice!
- [GRUNTS]
- Ooh!
- Aah!
- Whoa-oh!
Ugh!
[CRACKING, ZAP]
[AIR WHOOSHING]
Wha-aaah!
Candice!
- Aaah!
- Aaaaaaah!
What the hell are you guys--
Oh, crap!
What's happening?
[ALL SCREAM]
Turn off the thermostat!
[GRUNTS]
[ALL GRUNT]
[ALL GROANING]
Damn it, I just took a picture!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Last time, I got to eat
ice cream for dinner
so I wouldn't remember
they were late.
But I do remember.
Yeah, my dad moved out
when I was 4.
I remember that, too.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Yay!
Do I get ice cream again?!
Ha ha.
What do you mean?
Play this right,
and you'll get a waffle cone.
Emily, Joshua, I was so worried
when you didn't show up.
Is everything okay?
You guys want to sit down,
have a juice box?
We can't.
We gotta--
Guys
Never say, "I can't,"
always say, "I'll try."
[CHUCKLES]
Let's sit.
I'll try.
Guys, I'm concerned that Candice
hasn't turned in her patch yet
for the family tree
quilt project.
This empty space is where
Candice's project would go.
I never heard about
a quilt project.
Look, sorry, I know you're
new here at Chamomile.
It's a tough school. Not every
family is up to the task.
Candice's project needs
to be done by tomorrow
so we can present it
at the event in the morning.
Event?
What event?
I sent you guys the class snap.
Okay, guys, remember the family
heritage event is tomorrow,
and each student will present
their patches to the class
and parents, so don't be late!
[ SLURPS]
But if Candice isn't
able to participate,
I'll be forced
to give her an "A".
- Oh!
- Oh!
Which stands for "Almost
acceptable but not quite."
And I don't usually
like being that harsh.
- Oh.
- Oh.
You know what?
We're gonna do the hell
out of that project.
Yeah!
We're totally going to
kill it at the presentation.
Make those other kids' patches
look like S-H-I-T!
Total S-H-I-T!
Are you guys spelling "shit"?
Damn it!
Those teachers are good!
So glad we can send her
to that school.
O-M-G!
We get to take care
of Candy Cane?!
A few quick questions
before you go.
This is so not happening.
What? Why?
We live together.
Can't you baby sit
for one night?
Babysitting doesn't exactly gel
with my plan to get off tonight.
And I--
Wait, get off from what?
You don't even have a job.
Come on, Alex.
Ohh! Orgasm?!
You're trying to have
an orgasm tonight
and that's why you can't help
look after this beautiful,
angelic child?!
Oh, my God!
What's that?!
- Huh?
- Huh?
[BOTH GRUNT]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Bye!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[GASPS]
They got churros here?!
Josh, we didn't
come all the way down
to the Fashion District
to get churros.
Since I'm an expert haggler,
I'll buy the fabric.
You just need to buy the thread.
Got it!
This is for Candice!
Candice!
- Huh!
- Huh!
Does anybody know
where I can find thread?
Thread?
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Thread!
Does anyone have any thread?
Oh, you're selling Nintendos?
[BELL RINGING]
[MUNCHING]
Have you guys seen thread?
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
[GASPS]
That's the coolest thing
I've ever seen!
Yes, Señor, Pájaro Pals.
Where we make birds
look like you!
Lookin' good, Bird Josh.
[SQUAWKS, SPEAKS SPANISH]
[CHUCKLES]
Love you, too.
[GRUNTS]
My wallet!
Hey, kid!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
BRIDGETTE: Where's Candice?
She isn't in her room.
I don't know. She said she was
gonna go grab dinner!
5-year-olds don't
just grab dinner.
You have to order it
on GrubHub for them.
Candice!
- Candice!
- Candice!
- Candice!
- Candice!
Dinner! Is it okay if I hang out
over here with you guys?
Sure, Candice.
Let your landlord, Pearl,
take care of it for you.
Randy, set a plate!
Ma, I'm trying to focus!
[GRUNTS]
This anniversary gift's never
gonna look casually artful!
What's casually artful?
Well, it's like a thing
that doesn't seem like
it takes a lot of work
but it kinda does and--
- Here's a heart.
- Eureka.
Children are the future.
[SIGHS] You're not gonna
believe what happened.
Josh?
Where have you been?
- My wallet got stolen!
- What?
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- No! I'm not okay.
My freaking Togo's card
was in that wallet.
I had nine punches on it!
Aw, they got the thread, too?
[INHALES SHARPLY]
I never had time
to get the thread.
It took me a lot longer
than I thought to get that BJ.
What?!
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
BJ! Bird Josh.
Uh! Josh!
You had one job!
WOMAN: The Fashion District
is now closing.
Ah!
Consuelo, wait!
I need that fabric!
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
Oof! Ah!
No!
Ugh!
We're never gonna make
this quilt in time!
Maybe Bird Josh can help.
Go on, find our car, boy!
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
[SQUAWKS]
Love you, too!
He's not coming back.
That's not what he's saying.
What was that?
I don't think we're alone.
Hey, that's the kid
who stole my wallet!
I worked hard for
those Togo's stamps!
[GRUNTS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Oh.
Whoa!
Ugh!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
You know, you can't just take
things that don't belong to y--
I mean, maybe you can?
I don't want any trouble!
[BRITISH ACCENT] No, please,
good sir. Scold us some more.
Oh, you guys are just kids?
Wh-Where are your parents?
These are the only
parents we got!
[BRITISH ACCENT] Mind the
world-class stitchwork, sir!
Grandad just got
into an accident.
He got trampled
by horses, he did!
Oh, my God.
So you guys are
really good at sewing?
Oh, Josh, you find
that Togo's punch card?
- Mummy!
- It's Mummy!
Yep, here she is!
Why are these adorable
British street urchins
calling me Mummy?
They're gonna make
the family quilt for us!
Josh, they stole your wallet.
They're bad kids.
Please, miss,
we're not bad kids.
My name is Calamari.
And these are my friends--
Walleye, Tilapia,
Troutface, and Scrode.
[BRITISH ACCENT]
It's pronounced "Scrawd"!
Can you really make
a quilt for us?
Yes, we can!
And all we ask for in exchange
is some sweet, sweet parenting.
Ehhh?
We're making
a quilt for Candice ♪
A family tree quilt
for Candice ♪
These orphans took us
to this factory ♪
Dangerous machines,
so much to see ♪
It kinda all smells
like rat piss ♪
But we're doing it
all for Candice ♪
Oh, my God, that kid
just fell in a vat ♪
Did anybody else
notice that? ♪
And I think that kid
is hand-less ♪
But we're doing it all
for Candice ♪
In a cave,
a giant rat attacked us ♪
But we're doing it all
for Candice ♪
[WHISTLING]
Wait, this totally isn't
a sweatshop, right?
Maybe?
But we're doing it all
for Candice ♪
[BOTH GASP]
ALL: Ta-da!
Whoa.
Everyone's gonna see
that we're totally the best
parents at that school!
Can we ask one thing before
we give you the quilt?
- What?
- Could you tuck us in?
Of course!
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Sorry I spent all our money
on zoot suits and churros.
Sorry I got too obsessed
with bargaining.
I don't know if it's the
moonlight through the smog
or the toxic fumes
in this alley,
but you look so sexy
when you're being a good parent.
Scrode likey.
[GIGGLES]
- Hey, you.
- Hey, you.
- Last night was so great.
- Really great night.
Really, really great.
Aah!
[ALL SNORING]
What happened to
the British kids?
How'd they get so gross?
We're not gross,
and we're not kids,
and we're not British!
- What have we done?
- It's 8:00!
We've gotta get this quilt
to Candice before school!
[ALL GROANING]
Mummy. Daddy.
- We're not your parents!
- Of course you are.
That was the price
for the quilt, remember?
Remember?
TOGETHER: Mummy. Daddy.
Run!
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
Josh!
Get 'em!
- [GASPS]
- [WHISTLES]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
- Aah!
- Aah!
[SQUAWKING]
Bird Josh, you came back!
[WHISTLES]
[SCREECHES]
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
Bird Josh!
No!
Josh, get in the car!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
[SNIFFLES]
He was a good bird.
He was a great bird.
[LAUGHING]
[BOTH SCREAM]
Sign me up for karate classes!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Aah!
Let me know when the calendar
comes out, boys!
All your sweet little asses.
Oh, my God!
Is everything okay?
Well, everybody's fine,
and they managed to get
Candice off to school,
but it certainly wasn't pretty.
Had to cut Alex out of the vent
like he was a can of tuna.
[GASPS]
Alex was stuck in the vent?!
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
She said everybody's fine!
[ENGINE STARTS, TIRES SCREECH]
Dumbass white people.
Hi!
I made my quilt patch
all by myself!
- Oh.
- Oh.
That's really great, Candice.
I'm so sorry guys.
Thank you.
We learned a lot.
About Candice.
About each other.
But mainly we learned
we never want to have kids.
So glad we got divorced
before that happened.
Gotta say, you get
a solid "F" in my book.
[BOTH GASP]
Which stands for "Finally
doing something right."
Most parents at this school
don't even let their kids
do their own projects.
[BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY]
Get rid of it!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Aww!
This is so
Boring.
Ugh.
[LAUGHING]
Can we at least swim
in the pool?
No. Look, don't
ruin this for me.
I won thumb war fair and square,
so we're looking at open houses.
Oh, uh, I don't know where
to throw this garbage.
Oh, wait-- shazam!
Just contemplating
how overcrowded L.A. is
in my two-acre backya-a-a-ard!
Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.
You don't even drink tea.
Yeah, because I can
never find it.
If I had these tins, I would
drink tea all day, son.
Husband.
All day, husband!
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
I'm in the kitchen ♪
I'm in the living room ♪
I'm in the kitchen ♪
I'm in the living room ♪
Ha!
Can I try?
See?
Open houses aren't boring.
I'm in the kitchen ♪
I'm in the living room ♪
I'm in the kitchen ♪
I'm in the pool ♪
[LAUGHING]
No! Josh!
Jack-knife!
[SCREAMS]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
EMILY: I can't believe
you got us
kicked out of that open house.
Hey, I said I was sorry.
Now can we do something
we're all
into?
No!
Don't touch anything!
I'm this close to connecting
Garfield to Jesus!
Are you drinking moonshine?
No!
That's disgusting!
That's my urine.
Uh
we'll just go in through
the kitchen.
BRIDGETTE: Watch out!
[GRUNTS]
Seriously? You had to do this
in the kitchen?
Alex was taking up
the whole living room.
Ugh.
Get in here, Candice!
Your body is a paintbrush
that your spirit inhabits.
[GRUNTS]
[SINGING]
Look, honey, we have a drawer
like the open house.
It won't slam!
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
[CHUCKLES] Look, Em--
chandelier!
I think I'm just gonna go
for a walk, get some air.
You don't want to use
your body like a paintbrush?
Nah, you guys do your thing,
I'll go do my thing.
But we should do
a thing together.
Is that thing cleaning up
this overcrowded apartment?
Nah, there's gotta be
something better.
Hmm.
[GASPS]
Oh, my God.
Wait.
I've always wanted to be
a Family Bike family.
- [LAUGHS]
- On your left!
Wha-- Wha--
[LAUGHTER]
Where's your family, loser?
Ooh.
[GASPS]
That's what we'll do together.
A family bike!
Emily!
Huh?
She left 30 minutes ago.
[SIGHS]
Never gonna be mine, never gonna
be mine, never gonna be mine.
But there's no harm in looking.
[♪♪♪]
Perfect house,
perfect house ♪
Perfect hous-- ♪
[GRUNTS]
Oh, my God!
I am so sorry!
No, no.
I couldn't agree with you more.
This is the
perfect house ♪
Are you gonna put in an offer?
Me? Nah.
To save money, my family lives
with a divorced couple,
so open houses are more
of a guilty pleasure.
Me too. I just like
to come check out
how the other half lives.
[CHUCKLES]
Also, at home, my kids
write on the walls with shit.
Uh
Oh, is this your daughter?
Daughter?
[CHUCKLES]
No. I'm--
Whoa! You're superstar
Mona Arizona!
Yeah, my real name's Caitlin.
What brings you here, Mona?
Well, I'm an emancipated minor,
so I like to go to open houses
because they represent
the normal life
I'll never know.
When you work as much as I do,
you start to fear
that you'll look back
on these years and think,
"Where did
my childhood go?"
Yeah, my triplets love you.
They sing your songs
all the time.
Whoa! Triplets?
Yeah.
They can't sing.
It's really bad.
Don't forget to check out
the guest house.
A happy family like yours
must have lots of visitors.
Oh, no, we're not--
Oh, come on, Mom.
Let's see where
Grandma's gonna stay.
Um
No harm in looking.
Right hon?
Actually, I need
to get back to
[♪♪♪]
You know what?
Sure thing, hon!
Wink!
Huhuhuhu.
The feeling you get
when you're not at home ♪
But you're running around
at someone else's home ♪
No worries, no cares ♪
'Cause your real family's
not there ♪
Yeah ♪
No scheming, no cleaning,
this world's in between ♪
Yeah, no bull crap,
no fights, just laughter ♪
Every ni-i-ight ♪
No wonder you escaped ♪
To an open house ♪
There are no worries
in an open house ♪
Reality's blurry in
an open house ♪
Why don't you stay a while? ♪
Open house ♪
No, you're not in denial ♪
Open house ♪
Okay I've got
my algebra homework,
my Spanish homework,
my history homework
Is there any subject
you don't have homework for?
Haha!
Lunch.
[CANNED LAUGHTER]
Hey, wait a minute.
Where is my lunch?
Mom didn't pack it.
Come to think of it,
where is Mom?
You guys!
[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Do you
Do you guys hear that?
Oh, it's probably just
the Cohens' bat mitzvah party
next door.
[CANNED LAUGHTER]
Uh
Uh, Mom, you look like you
could use a glass of water.
I think you're right, Caitlin,
but I'm pretty sure
your mom pronounces it--
"Pinot Grigio."
[STUDIO AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
Yeah.
Water.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
The Family Bike is here!
Sign here, please.
Hey, how'd you guys
get here so fast?
I only ordered it
like 20 minutes ago.
Says here you ordered it
three days ago.
Three days?!
Where the hell is Emily?
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, the orders for those
Emily real dolls
are all backed up.
Got mine last week, though.
Lot of fun, lot of fun.
Isn't this song great?
No.
No, it's not.
Guys, something is wrong
in this house.
You know how I wanted
a glass of water?
Well, look.
Nothing.
So I think,
"Hey, maybe the fridge.
Oh, but it's probably empty
like the rest of the house,
Emily."
Nope.
It's packed with
paintings of food.
Emily!
I had a glass of water
an hour ago.
Why don't you let me try, huh?
[IMITATES WATER FLOWING]
[GULPING]
Ah!
[CANNED LAUGHTER]
It's not funny!
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello?
JOSH: Emily!
Emily, where are you?!
Josh?
Oh, my God!
I'm at the open house,
but something's
wrong here.
Emily?
Emily?
[DIAL TONE]
[GRUNTING]
Emily!
Baby!
Emi ly!
Come back!
Where's your family, loser?
[DEMONIC LAUGHTER]
What a beautiful day.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it!
[STUDIO AUDIENCE "BOOS"]
Emily!
There you are.
Hey, I'm Dave, Emily's husband.
What?
I'm Emily's husband.
Josh! Don't come in,
don't close the door!
What the hell?
O-O-O-Open House ♪
Try the window!
Let's check upstairs!
What's going on?
It's a set, Josh.
This whole thing--
it's a sitcom.
Well, how do we get out?
I don't know!
[BLEEP]
[STUDIO AUDIENCE GASPS]
Hon, I know you're upset,
but we can't say
stuff like that here.
We'll lose our audience.
- That's it!
Maybe if we do stuff
you can't do on sitcoms
we can get out of here!
[BLEEP]
[BLEEP]
[STUDIO AUDIENCE "BOOS"]
[BLEEP]
What else can't you do on sitcoms?
I don't know.
How did any of this even happen?
And who is that guy that
keeps calling you "hon"?
Um that's--
Mom, why does this guy
call Dad "that guy"?
And why does the girl
call you "Mom"?
And why do I love this water?
Are you cheating on us
with another family?
Um well
I
uh
[♪♪♪]
[GASPS] The music.
That's it.
We have to follow
the format, not fight it.
I'm calling a family meeting.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE "OHHS"]
The truth is, I haven't been
real with any of you.
Josh, I came here because
sometimes I feel overwhelmed
by the chaos at the apartment.
I know we chose
to have roommates
so we could afford a better
school district for Candice,
but just once a week,
I like to imagine life
with a little more peace
and order.
Open houses give me the strength
to deal
with the weird art projects,
the exposed wires, and Alex.
There's something really wrong
with that guy.
Dave, Caitlin, I can't be a part
of your family anymore.
I'm sorry, but it's time for me
to go back to my real home.
I understand.
But is it okay
if I just stay here?
My triplets are a real pain
in the tuchus.
[CANNED LAUGHTER, CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
[SIREN WAILS]
I've never been so excited
to leave an open house!
Let's go home.
- Michelle?
- Dave!
Where you been?
There's something wrong
with the kids.
They're making this weird noise,
and they won't stop.
Uh
Dave!
You bastard!
Don't you shut me out!
Don't you dare shut me out!
Ah, thank God.
Classic Dave!
Whataya gonna do with me?
[CANNED LAUGHTER]
Classic Dave ♪
[LAUGHTER]
You were right. This is fun
for the whole family.
- On your left!
- Hey!
Nice family, loser.
[SIGHS]
Oh, hey, I got you something.
Tins!
Now you can finally drink tea.
Thanks.
Look out!
How do you stop this thing?
[CANNED LAUGHTER]
Does anyone else hear that?
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]