Cockroaches (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

1 For those of you who've just joined us, a Government spokesman has confirmed reports that Britain is under attack.
In 20 minutes, bombs will hit London, Washington, Tehran, Beijing and Berlin.
Though it doesn't look like anyone's bothered with Africa or South America.
Tell me this is a movie.
I ain't seen it.
Prime Minister, who's to blame for this senseless escalation of hostility? Twitter.
China, America, Russia.
Who's bombing Britain? Look, it's lights out at boarding school.
We don't know who's got us by the balls.
The Prime Minister's suffering from shell shock.
- Final word to the nation.
- Er yes, er Bellum omnium contra omnes.
- Not many of whom speak Latin.
- Don't speak Latin? - Schools in this country, a bloody joke.
- You say that? Just a bit of banter, Jennifer.
It's not the end of the world.
- What are you doing? - It's the end of the world.
So? So it's what you do when you've got 20 minutes to live.
And, I mean, I love you, Suze.
You love me? Really? - You're the girl of my dreams.
- Why didn't you say something? - Cos I was afraid.
- Then why are you saying it now? Well, cos I'm afraid! - You're not just saying it to sleep with me? - No.
But, you know, it is, kind of, the end of the world.
- That's not the most romantic thing.
- Yeah? Well, I've got an erection.
What the hell? - Wait, my brother.
- Ssh! It's too late for him.
- He's just upstairs! - Really? He's going to kill the mood.
If anyone has a lead apron, now's the time to wear it.
Wait! What if we survive? Then this is going to be really awkward.
Thank God you're all safe.
Daddy and I were - Susanna! - Mum! Argh! Mummy, Daddy.
Ooh, look, Laura.
We must be in Essex.
Wow! - Found a road.
- Yeah, you stumbled on a road.
Eventually.
Sorry, did you want to live with your parents forever? I had to get out of there.
You're one of those weird naked families.
Eight years in a basement, trying not to look at your dad's balls.
The problem is you made no effort with my parents.
- My parents are fucking dead, so - Whoa! Do not swear in front of Laura.
- Protecting our daughter? - Yeah.
It's what you're meant to do.
From what? Naughty words? Laura's first toy was a human skull.
- I've seen shit.
- Yeah! - Mummy, are we there yet? - Sweetheart, we're not really going anywhere.
Well, we should be.
We should go to the sea.
- Why visit the sea? - Dover.
Some shit.
- What people do in films.
- This isn't a film.
Well, I wish it was.
- This is boring.
- We're in a nuclear wasteland.
What did you expect, Chessington? Zombies.
Evil robots.
Mutant mice on motorbikes.
This? This is just I mean, I'd take your dad's balls over this.
- Oh, it's not that bad.
- This tuna's older than me.
I miss sweets.
I miss fish fingers, nuggets.
Like, super greasy pizzas.
Laura won't ever get to eat that shit.
Shit being the operative word.
All right, chill out.
Couscous.
Seriously, I wish I could just give her a chocolate bar, you know? I wish I could give her a Barbie.
That toy is pretty rank.
What's wrong with Mr Bingham? I can give him a moustache.
Or he can wear a wig of Daddy's hair.
- Oh, no.
- Steady, Suze.
No! Mr Bingham was our neighbour for, like, ten years.
And he is wearing what is essentially your pubic hair.
I'm just so sorry, Laura.
Just remember, however bad people look, on the inside they're still human, they're still good.
We had music, we had literature.
We had Ant & Dec.
And that's why I found you a present.
- What is it? - A violin.
That's so beautiful.
- Why is she learning the violin? - It's a life skill.
Yeah, but, firstly, it's not.
Second, neither of us can play, so how are we going to teach her? - She might pick it up.
- From where? - We need to teach her something.
- Yeah, useful things.
Survival.
You're not a survivor.
Can't even grow a beard.
I'm going to bed.
And don't breastfeed her again.
- Well, I'm going to breastfeed her.
- It's weird.
She needs nutrition.
Do you want some milk? Yes, please.
And this time, yeah? Try not to gnaw.
This is so wrong.
Cannibals? - Cannibals! - In there! Hang on a mo, there's a couple of butties there.
- What the hell is that language? - I think it's Scouse.
They're a long way from Liverpool.
Scousers are really sentimental.
Probably don't want to eat their own.
Ssh! Oh, thank God.
Look, they left us the tuna.
Bastards! - Argh! - Argh! What the? Don't die, mate.
- Leave him, Tom! - I don't want to kill the guy.
To me, to you.
To me, to you.
To me, to you.
Argh! Look, people! Now go ask for directions.
- To where? - Dover or wherever.
Asking for directions is so embarrassing, man.
- You'd rather go on being lost? - We're not lost.
- I'm flagging 'em down.
- This is weak.
'Scuse me! Excuse me! - If they're cannibals, you're killing them.
- I killed them last time.
- And it was one old guy having a heart attack.
- Bullshit.
- I'm a killing machine.
- Dad was strong.
See? - Independent witness.
- Unbelievable.
Oh, my God.
- It's Oscar! - Oscar? We went to school with him.
You know? My ex.
God, this is crazy! We're in the middle of nowhere.
There are, like, 12 people left and we meet this clown.
Brilliant! Oh, it's Oscar! Suze? Suze! Oh, my God! - Man! - Embarrassing herself.
Oh, this is like too deep.
- God, you're still alive.
- And you're still buffling.
You are still wearing those trousers? Well, well er This is my daughter Laura.
- Say hi to Oscar.
- Hi, Oscar.
Fist-bump me, yeah? Boom! Is that? Ah, what's your name, bruvs? - It's Tom.
- Don't tell me.
Ahhh Weird, creepy guy, right? Used to follow you around all the time.
You crashed my yurt, secret garden party.
- I spiked your drink.
- Spiked it with acid, yeah.
And you would not stop crying like a bitch.
He would not stop crying.
I was seeing dragons, which are famously terrifying.
Tom.
Right? Yes, bruvs.
What's gwan? Touch me.
- Tom's Laura's dad.
- Oh, my days.
- Yeah.
- God, I can't believe it's you.
Look at that beard.
It's like caveman shit, you feel me? Christ! You all right, fam? Oh, sorry, I've just got a bit of sick in my mouth.
Er where did you get all that stuff? I found a supermarket, like, two days' walk away.
Basement was, like, full of ting.
Yeah, like beer's going to help! - You want a crate? - A crate? - If you're forcing me.
- Such a survivor! We're all headed back to our camp, if you want to come cotch? We got everything there.
Food, shelter, poi.
Sorry but we're going to the sea.
And you know what they say? Time and tide waits for no man.
- Who talks like that? - Who talks like that? What's your problem? I don't want to hang out with your ridiculous ex.
We are starving, Tom.
Have you got a better idea? I've never eaten chocolate before.
This is the best day ever.
Aw, man, she's jokes.
I could kill him.
Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! That's just creepy.
Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Is that the Prime Minister? - Kiss the baby, kiss the baby.
- Just don't look him in the eyes.
And what do you do? Have you come far? Can I count on your vote? Peace in our time.
Privacy.
She still do that little squeaky chuckle? I'm messing.
Or am I? So, then you take your shank.
- Your knife, mate.
- I haven't got a knife.
Well, I take my knife.
Little loop there, then we bump and grind.
Pow! - Bare cribbage.
- Thanks so much, Oscar.
Yeah, we're all going to be sleeping soundly together tonight.
Er nah, bruv.
You is coming out.
- Out? - To the feast.
We smoked a pig.
Not like ganja.
Ha, this guy.
Rastafari.
Fuck, I miss weed.
Erm the pig? Oh, the pig, yeah.
Nah, we smoked it to preserve it, you know? Salami, chorizo.
Chipolata.
Well, we shouldn't impose on your sausage festival.
- Suze? - I can't wait.
Touch.
- What are you doing? - Getting ready.
You're wearing shoes made out of plastic bags.
How good are you ever going to look? So what club are you going to? I hear there's a burnt-out caravan that's very now.
- I think we should have an open relationship.
- We do.
I've seen you have a poo five times.
- I mean, I think we should see other people.
- Who? Oscar? He's so creepy.
- They chant his name, Suze.
- He's just popular.
Popular? I bet this is a cult.
And he has a ritual where he's the front of a human centipede which waddles around a wicker man they're using to burn a virgin cos Well, cos he's a dick.
Have you ever thought about us? What we are, you and me? - And do you even love me? - That's a stupid question.
Suze, wait.
Don't forget your ID.
I hear that caravan's well strict.
I'm bonkers.
Bonkers! See people? Not like we've been seeing each other.
Last time she "saw me" was on my birthday.
I've had another since.
- What are you talking about? - Sex.
What's sex? A lovely, lovely memory.
- I need a beer.
- What's beer? - It's like better water.
- How do you mean better? It makes everything else seem less bad.
- Can I have some? - Afraid not.
You have to build up quite a tolerance to this stuff.
Luckily they didn't call me Captain Carnage for nothing.
I haven't drunk beer for years.
Oh, my God! What have you done to her? - Suze? - Laura! - I thought you were called Suze.
- I leave you with her for one night.
I'm Captain Carnage! - Lad.
- Can you grow up, please? - "Can you grow up, please?" - Out! - Out? - Get out of my house.
- House? - You're like the world's shittest echo.
Urgh! Wait.
How come you didn't sleep here? Because I slept with Oscar.
Right, you You mean a sleep-over? Up all night gossiping.
Top to toe.
- Or has he got a bunk bed? - Tom.
- I slept with Oscar.
- Bitch! Whatever I did was because of you.
You pushed me away.
Bullshit! And you're kicking me out? - Our daughter is drunk.
- They grow up so fast these days.
- Get your things and go.
- You can't make me.
I can.
Oscar, this has got nothing to do with you.
- Babe, we are the new Kim and Kanye.
- We're not.
- Last night - Was beautiful.
won't happen again.
We made a mistake.
Nah.
You made a mistake.
Are you going to shack up with Lord of the Flies? No, I'm going back to my parents'.
- If I promise to make an effort, can I come? - No.
OK.
But I've never broken up with anyone before, so what do we do? - Well, that's definitely my tarpaulin.
- No, it's not.
Remember, I shook the shitting dog off it? Then you gave it to me for my birthday.
Oh, you got something for your birthday? I see.
- Anyway, you never use it.
- Fine, but I get the buckets.
Er, no.
You get two of the buckets.
On the condition that I can choose them.
- You get first choice of the buckets.
- Done.
- But I'm keeping those tins of tuna.
- Fine.
Cos I'm going to the sea.
Well, I'm sure there'll be loads of tuna.
It being the English Channel.
Once she's learnt the violin, you could teach Laura sarcasm.
Wait, what are we going to do about Laura? My dad got weekend visits.
Where is Laura? - Laura? - Laura? Laura? - Laura! - Laura! Right, you go that way, I'll go up here, yeah? She'll be OK, all right? Laura! Bag for life, my arse! Laura! Laura! F-M-L.
Ahh, no! No! Laura! Stop it! Well, this is quite serious.
I am the mannest man in the whole of Jamaica.
Begin.
Stop it! Laura! No! Get her down from there.
Please.
Daddy! - Mummy! - See, Suze? I was right.
You didn't know this was going to happen.
I told you every detail.
The human centipede, the wicker man.
All this guy's got in his head is clichéd cult bullshit.
I'm going to waste you, bruv.
Well, yes, you've got me slightly cornered, but I haven't got my parents or my friends or my sissy.
And what you've got is my family.
The only beautiful things left.
- Mummy's a bitch.
- True dat.
Oh, shut Can't kill me, I'm the high fuckin' priest.
Argh! Oh, my golly fuck.
Tom.
Erm er I love you.
Are you saying that cos you're afraid? Yeah.
Afraid of losing you.
I love you, Tom.
Woo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha.
Thanks for that.
Oscar's a bit of a dick, eh? Absolute madman.
So why were you guys obeying him? He's quite entertaining, he's charismatic.
I mean, he's a great laugh to have around the place, you know? May I take the chance to say she's a little angel? A credit to you both.
Not cool, bruv.
This is my wanking hand.
Sorry, I'm still confused.
Do you do a lot of human sacrifices? Oh, that? Spur of the moment thing.
I like to think someone was going to say something before it escalated.
Right.
Cos it was quite scary.
I know, right? - What are you going to do with him? - Learn our lesson, I suppose.
Don't give political power to a man just cos he does silly things with a big knife.
- Right, boss? - I'm not your boss.
Well, you are.
You stabbed him right in the wanking hand.
Absolute classic.
Tom! Tom! Tom! Er look.
Er we're not staying here cos erm You know, don't take this the wrong way, but you're all murderous freaks.
We could stay, Tom.
They have food, shelter.
They nearly killed us! Nothing on what's left of Earth could make me stay.
Beer? - Yeah, go on then.
- There we go.
Top dog.
Boss.
- Stop it.
- Le grand fromage.
When I've built a cage, you can be Oscar's prison wife.
Can I have a beer? - Sure.
- No.
- It's hair of the dog.
- No! Er Don't undermine me in public.
I'm like a god to these people.
I need a drink.
Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom!