Code Monkeys (2007) s01e01 Episode Script
Wizard of Woz
1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Heavy metal music playing]
- Yeah, you like that? Is that
what you want, huh? You like it?
- Dave, what are you doing?
- My computer is frozen.
If I hit it in just
the right way, it unfreezes.
- Did it work?
- Oh, yeah, sorta. Whoo!
- Dave, we need
to finish this game.
You know, 'cause we're
game programmers?
- Fine. I'll change
my pants later.
- And when are you gonna get
this dead donkey out of here?
- He is not dead.
He is sleeping.
- Dude, why is there a dead
donkey in our office anyway?
- Yeah, it's a prank gone
horribly wrong.
He's still useful, though.
- For what?
- Let's just say it gets
super chilly in here, right?
Then I just cut him open--
[grunts]--like a Tauntaun,
and sleep inside--
ohh!--for warmth.
- What the hell is
wrong with you?
- You know, Jerry,
all these questions are
really distracting me
from programming video games,
which, may I remind you,
is my job.
- Hey, guys.
- Yeah, what's the word?
It's the Wizard of Woz.
- Hey, Mr. Wozniak.
- "Boss Man" to you, Jerry.
- Dave, are you sleeping inside
a dead donkey like a Tauntaun?
- Yeah, I, uh, I am.
- I dig it!
Hey, how's the new game coming?
- Good news. I'm a genius.
"Hobo Killer"?
I guarantee you, number one.
- Wow! Great job!
Hey, guys, do the old CEO
a favor and round up the troops.
Meet me in the break room in 10.
I have a pretty big
announcement.
- You got it, Chief.
[Video game music playing]
- Hey, what do you think Woz's
big announcement could be?
- I don't know,
but it can't be good.
- Jerry, listen to me,
your best friend in the world.
You've got to think
positive, man.
- I'm not sure I can make this.
- That right there
is what I mean.
Think positive, man.
- OK. Think positive.
[Grunts]
- See? You didn't die.
That was positive.
- Aah!
- Fire in the hole!
Hit the deck!
[Gunshot]
Yo, Black Steve.
Meeting in the break room
in 5, buddy.
- You got it.
- Hey, Woz get you a new gun?
- Yeah, I'm trying to get
some inspiration for
my new game, "Cracker Barrel."
It's a game where you shoot
crackers in a barrel.
[Fires gun]
Later. I'm outta here.
- You know, that's really weird
because he's not even
a game programmer;
he's the accountant.
[Video game music plays]
- I'm talking about
the scientific nacho cheese,
the one that has been
chemically formulated. I--
Mother, I have to go.
I have to go now, Mother.
Ah! What say you,
good sirs?
What brings you
to Todd's Lair?
Looking for advice from the
best programmer in the world?
- No, I don't like asking
myself questions.
- No, you see, I am
the best--[sighs]--mm-hmm.
I see. Clever.
- Were you just talking
to your mom about nacho cheese?
- Mother and I share
many passions,
one of which happens to be
our passion for nachos.
The other--my passion for her.
- Wow.
That is really creepy, Todd.
When we find out how many people
are buried in your basement,
are we gonna be more shocked or
more disappointed by the number?
- What do you a-holes want?
- Woz wants to meet with us
all in the break room. He has
some kind of big announcement.
- Fair enough. I shall grace you
with my presence,
but till then,
I say to thee begone!
- OK, Todd.
- I said begone!
My back!
[Video game music playing]
- Hey, Mary, meeting
in the break room.
- Dave, this is
the women's spa.
- What? I ain't lookin',
but I am taking pictures.
Hello ♪
- Hey, Mary.
How's that game you were
workin' on going?
- Great. I think "Red Rhonda" is
really gonna teach girls
about their periods and be
action-packed, so boys
will want to play, too.
- That is totally cool.
- Dude, you are never
gonna bone her.
- Dave!
- Mary, tell him you're
unbonable, the door is locked.
- Out!
- Wait. But maybe
the back door isn't.
- Security!
- Knock, knock.
Who's there? Ow!
- Hey, is there a problem here?
- We were just leaving.
[Video game music plays]
[Camera shutter clicks]
[Video game music plays]
- Grr!
- Mmm
- Dave,
what the hell are you doing?
- Well, Mary, if you must know,
Woz said I could put a urinal
next to the microwave.
- Why?
- So I can make sure
that my frozen burrito
doesn't get overcooked.
- But where are the pipes?
- What pipes? Whoa.
[Microwave beeps]
Hmm. Perfect every time.
- Hey, everybody.
Good times, people.
- Hey, Woz.
Good times.
- Woz-ooh!
- You rule, Woz.
- Thanks, Dave.
Dave, would you mind
wearing pants for this meeting?
- You got it, Chief.
And I'm sorry to you, Mary,
because the free show is over.
- You guys all rule.
[All clamor]
- That's why I'm gonna miss you
all so much after I sell
this company.
- What?!
- You're kidding, right?
- [Bleep] that!
- I feel you, Dave,
but, you know, to everything,
turn, turn, turn.
I think we built a great
community here at GameAVision,
and I know you guys are gonna
keep it going, no matter who
the new owner turns out to be.
- A new owner?!
- There'll be a bunch
of different buyers checking
the place out
over the next week or so,
and I want you guys to
show them what's so great
about this place.
Dave, I'm looking for you to be
the liaison, if that's cool.
- You want me to help you
sell the company?
Are you out of your d---
uh, yeah, ha ha!
You know what?
On second thought, I think
I'll help you, Woz. I think I
could be that dude for you.
[Video game music playing]
- So, Woz tells me
you guys are the ones
that made "Johnny Do Right."
I love that game.
- [Lisping]
At Family Works, we really
believe video games
can serve a moral purpose.
- I'm sure you and Clarence are
gonna have a lot to talk about.
- Hey, guys, come on in ♪
- What in the heck?
- This is Clarence.
He does all the music
for our games.
He rocks and he sucks.
Hey, everyone,
hop in the Jacuzzi ♪
It's hot like me ♪
- Oh, gosh.
I'm getting out of here.
- Keep lovin' who you love,
dude.
- Will do ♪
- Hey, Todd, these investors
are from Canada.
- Ah, yes.
Heh heh! Welcome.
Dave tells me you're interested
in learning the secrets
of a top video game programmer.
- Ja, for sure.
We'd like to check out the staff
before we invest.
- Well, let us begin.
First, one must be comfortable
whilst programming.
- Oh, gosh!
- Let's do a little
word association, shall we?
There are no right
or wrong answers. Let's go.
Jealous.
- Creepy.
- No, that is wrong.
Let's try again.
Dragon's Lair.
- Creepy?
- All right, dudes.
I'll see you in 6 hours.
- Those are both wrong answers,
but there are no right or wrong,
so let's--let's just try again.
Barefoot witch.
- So I showed you
the foosball table, right?
And, uh, this is the microwave.
- Yes, we're more interested
in checking your video game
programming department.
We've seen a microwave before.
- Yes, but have you seen a man
microwave a turd?
- Um, no.
- Well, then consider yourselves
lucky, because that is
my turd in there, and I am
indeed microwaving it.
- Hey, guys, Dave giving you
the grand tour?
- Mr. Wozniak, we have been
dragged around--
- Oh, man, I knew 10 minutes
was too long.
- Dave, did you microwave your--
- Yes.
- Man, that is a classic prank.
- Thanks, man.
Now that's a boss.
- [Vomiting]
- OK, I'm gonna go burn
all my clothes now.
- Yeah, that's probably
for the best.
[Investors murmuring]
- But i-it's a great company!
- Man, it's the eighties.
People really shouldn't
be this uptight.
[Video game music playing]
- Woz, think fast!
Woz, what the hell?
- I'm sorry, Dave.
My heart just isn't
in videogames.
I want to move on and make
the world's greatest computers.
- Aw, dude, please,
not this again.
- These devices are gonna take
people to places they could
never imagine.
Anyone who can use a computer
is gonna be more valuable
than a CEO.
- No offense, Woz,
but home computers are gonna be
a passing fad, like MTV.
- Maybe, but I've got
to chase my dreams.
I was even thinking
of writing a book.
How do you like "IWoz"
as the title?
- Damn it!
That is a great title!
That's why we need you, man,
because you're not a douche,
and that's, like, the highest
compliment I can pay anybody.
- It's true. He's never
called me not a douche,
and I'm his best friend.
- I'm sorry, guys,
but now that Dave has scared
away all the potential buyers,
I've got to sell
the company to--
- No, don't say it.
-Bellecovision just made
a formal offer today.
- Bellecovision? Bellecovision
is the ass of the gaming
industry.
That place is where awesomeness
goes to die.
- More code.
More code ♪
- I can't take it anymore!
- And, P.S., they produce
nothing but [bleep] games.
- They do have dental.
- Shut up, dude.
Woz, please, you can't sell out
to Bellecovision.
There has to be another option.
- Well, there is one investor
you haven't scared off yet--
a Texas businessman
by the name of Bob Larrity.
- Sounds perfect!
- What?
- Because he's not
Bellecovision, Jerry.
- But selling to anyone
without discussing it
with my employees
wouldn't be the Woz way.
To the outdoor fun zone
and barbecue pit.
- Man, I am gonna miss this guy.
- Yeah, he's the best.
[Jetpack engine roaring]
[Trumpet fanfare]
- The Horn of Consensus
hath sounded.
The great and powerful Woz
has arrived!
- My friends, this is as much
your company as mine.
That's why I'm gonna settle this
by a majority vote,
and I promise to accept
whatever bid you choose,
so everyone who would like
to work for Bellecovision,
please raise their hands.
Everyone who wants to work
for Mr. Larrity,
please raise your hands.
We should have a majority.
Did someone abstain?
- It was Jerry, Mr. Woz.
Jerry didn't vote.
By the way, Mr. Woz, that outfit
is very slimming on you.
- Come on, bro, don't be a suit.
- Jerry, you know what's right.
- He's a witch!
A witch! Burn him!
- But we haven't
even met Larrity.
- A witch, I tell you!
He consumes baby skulls
and fear!
- All right, stop!
- All right,
maybe I'm being a little bit
of an alarmist.
- All right, buddy,
it looks like it's up to you.
So who's it gonna be,
Bellecovision or Larrity?
- I guess, if I had to vote,
I guess I would vote for--
[Chimes tinkle]
[Chimes tinkle]
- Well, Jerry, who's it
gonna be, Dave or me?
- Don't listen to her, dude.
She's using her vagina
to confuse and amaze you.
- Don't talk about my vagina!
- You're in a safe place, Jerry.
- Unless you pick wrong.
Then we'll have to
[bleep] you up.
- Steven, we talked
about your anger issues.
- Sorry, Woz.
I need to learn to
express myself
in less angry ways.
What are you
mother-[bleep] staring at?
[Bleep], I did it again.
[Sighs] I'm going
to my [bleep] pool of shame.
- I guess I'd have to
choose, uh, Larrity?
- Yes!
In your face, Mary.
- Rrr!
- Oh! God!
- Sorry, Woz.
- You've got anger issues, girl.
[Video game music playing]
- [Grunting and panting]
[Toilet flushes]
I'm telling you,
you could get free rubbers
this way. Come on, baby.
Give me a little bit more
of the somethin'-somethin'.
- Boy, are you humpin'
that condom machine?
- Yeah, and by the way, thanks
for interrupting
my J.O. session, Tex.
- Boys, name's
Big T. Larrity.
My friends call me Hoss,
and my family calls me Carl.
That was my paternal
great-grandfather's name.
He was a homosexual.
Died by his own hand
in '48.
You boys can call me
Mr. Larrity.
- Uh, hi.
- And this is my son, Dean.
- I like circles
'cause they're round and stuff.
- Thank you, Dean.
That boy is r-e-tarded.
Dean, why don't you drop and
crank out a hundred pushups?
Me and the boys here are gonna
have ourselves a little
meander.
- You got it, Dad!
1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2
- He can only count to 4,
so it's gonna take a while.
- 1, 2, 3, 4!
[Video game music plays]
- Boys, there's gonna be a lot
of changes here at GameAVision.
- Great. Let's hear 'em.
- Shut your yapper, son!
No talkin' while I'm talkin'!
First off, Christmas is
canceled, even Jew Christmas.
[Bat squeaks]
Whoa! And we got to get rid
of this bat problem.
It's open season
on them bastards.
And absolutely
no more damn turtles!
- Yeah, I hate turtles, too.
You know, they spread syphilis.
- Shut up.
- I got syphilis from a turtle
once, not from a Mexican whore.
- Dabba da!
- Sorry, sorry.
- Listen, I don't know anything
about video games,
but I heard that you two are
my star programmers,
so I am hell-bent on having
you boys continue
to do what's really
important to me.
- Making sweet-ass video games
and getting messed up on hooch.
- Yeah!
- No, you goofy-looking
cow turd, making me money!
I love money.
I got a blow-up doll
made of money
that I make suh-weet love to
e'ry night.
- That's messed up.
- My love of money
has helped me succeed
in women's coats,
novelty items,
and now video games!
There are 3 things Big T.
don't much cotton to:
bats, turtles, and people
who [bleep] with my money!
- Hey, boys, it's me,
Clarence ♪
It's your best friend
in the world ♪
Who happens to be gay ♪
Whoo ♪
- Whoa!
And whatever the hell
that thing was.
- That's fo--
- Shut up, Dave.
- So if you boys [bleep] me,
well, then
we got ourselves
a little problemo.
Lookin' forward to workin'
with you two gentlemen.
'Scuse me, boys.
Them bats is good eatin'.
Yee-ha!
- Great. Our new boss is
a money-grubbing psychopath.
Nice going, Dave.
- Well, you voted for him,
jackhole.
- OK, so what's the deal, guys?
[Todd farts]
Are we screwed or what?
- Everything is super cool,
everything will remain the same,
and don't worry
'cause nobody's getting fired.
- Yee-ha!
[Drill whirs]
- What the hell?
- Sorry, sweetheart.
I need to expand
the men's room. Heh!
I like to walk around
like a caged tiger
before I take
a big, steamin' 2.
- So what are the ladies
supposed to use?
- Well, if you ladies
could aim properly,
you could pee in
a coffee can,
but since you can't,
it ain't my problem.
Dean! Let's go fill up
the swimmin' pool with cement!
[Video game music playing]
- Black Steven! Now you're gonna
be sharin' an office with--
- Like hell I am.
- Ha!
- Huh?
- Flak jacket, son,
but nice try.
I respect you for it.
You got spirit.
You have earned
your own office,
until the rematch,
of course.
[Chime]
- So looks like I own
a video game company!
Ha ha! Let's hear
some video game ideas, ladies.
- Well, sir, I--
- Oh, see, when I say "ladies,"
I mean it as a derogatory term
for the men.
No offense to the ladies.
So what do you got
for me, ladies?
- Well, I guess, since I'm
the best, I'll go first.
I know what you're all
thinking: "Todd,
how can you top yourself
after your brilliant game,
'Space Blaster'?"
- Wow, Todd is such a douche.
- Well, yes, I asked myself
that very same question,
and my answer is thus.
Behold!
"Space Blaster II"!
- Wow, Todd.
- That's right.
Two ships, two blasters.
Double fun.
- Two ships is
the Holy Grail of gaming.
How did you do it?
- Who cares?
Thank you, nerd,
with the cow horns on your head.
- [Scoffs] Philistine.
- OK.
Which one of youse is next?
- Yeah, I'm Dave, the best
game programmer. Anyway,
I've been working on several new
titles with my buddy, Jerry.
First one is a game
called "Nazi Sniper."
- I love it, Dave!
A Nazi who snipes people.
- No, it's actually a guy
who kills Nazis.
- Oh. Well, I don't like it.
- Wait. What?
- So here's the deal, people.
It may seem like we're
in training camp,
but the Super Bowl's
actually next week.
That's why I can't have
any bench warmers on this team.
Ain't that right, Benny?
- Mr. Larrity,
I can have
more Pixy Stix, please?
- There you go, kid.
Go crazy. Heh heh!
- I'm thirsty!
- That kid's from Korea.
Company illegally adopted him.
I feed him cigarettes
to stunt his growth
and sugar to keep him playing.
- You're number 1, Mr. Larrity!
You're better than baseball
and apple pie together!
Yay, America!
Yankee Doodle!
- That imprisoned
10-year-old boy
is gonna be testin'
all your games.
- Is that legal?
- And, P.S.,
I'm making' my son Dean here
the new head of development.
- Yes!
- So maybe we can get
some good games in here.
- Wicked! Let's do it!
- Sweet hell.
- OK, I'll say it now.
I think I might have made
a small mistake.
- Ya think?
[Video game music playing]
- Welcome, Steven.
It occurs to me you've, uh,
never been to the lair before. -
Yeah 'cause you creep me out.
What do you want, Todd?
- Look, Larrity is a fool.
A fool, I tell you!
- Get to the point or
I'm gonna beat you.
- Very well.
With my cunning and your rage
and handiness with firearms,
we can take Larrity out.
What say you, man?
- Yeah, all right.
But you got to give me $20.
- Fair enough.
- And your van.
- OK.
- Yo, and that sword.
- Excalibur knows no hands
but mine own.
- The sword or forget it.
- Very well.
I dub thee the Black Knight,
Protector of Todd.
- If I find out Black Knight
is some racist crap,
it's go time
between me and you.
[Video game music playing]
- Aw, sweet balls!
What has he done?
- You like it, boy?
I took out all the fun stuff.
Too much fun killed
the hooker, as they say.
- Mr. Larrity, Todd.
May I have the privilege
of buying you
a delicious candy bar?
- Huh! I don't remember
stocking the candy machine
with black fellas.
- Now, now, now!
- What?
- Nice try, Stevie,
but I put bulletproof glass
in all my vendin' machines
and automobiles.
I'll see you later, fattie,
and you owe me a Baby Ruth.
[Video game music plays]
[Birds chirp]
- Jerry really messed up
this time.
- But you wanted Larrity, too.
- Woz, let's not play
the blame game.
- Well, I'm not pointing
any fingers,
but look where my finger
is pointing.
- No time for jokes, dude.
- Listen, Dave,
I'm sorry it's
a little rocky right now,
but Mr. Larrity is
a good man.
- He outlawed Frisbee Friday.
- What?
- And he took my urinal
out of the break room.
- That might have been
for the best.
- All right, I didn't want
to tell you this,
but he put cement in your
saltwater fish tank.
- He said he wouldn't do that!
I wish I could
help you out, Dave,
but it's too late.
Larrity owns GameAVision now.
- Lame.
- There is one option.
- You could always
come work here with me.
- What did I tell you, man?
The home computer is dead.
Woz, you sort of lack vision.
You know what?
Forget it. I'm outta here.
[Horn blows]
- GameAVision needs you.
It's your time now.
It's my time here,
but it's your time there.
You have to lead them now, Dave.
Plus, you could hide
your stash in there.
- OK, man. Thanks.
You know,
we just had a little moment
here, and I kinda liked it.
- Oh, and one more thing.
Have an apple for the road.
- Thanks, Woz. Who names
their company after a fruit?
- Are you sure this is
gonna work?
- Trust me.
I'm a genius.
- It better be chocolate cake
I'm jumpin' out of.
- What the hell is that,
a gigantic cake?
Ooh, it's vanilla.
- Mother-[bleep]!
- Yes, my lord, just, uh,
an office-warming gift.
Nice office, by the way.
Very pleasant
in here, manly.
- Yep, just movin' stuff in.
I--
Wow, y'all!
Look out!
Yee-ha!
I heard about this!
This is one
of them fortune cakes
with a black feller inside!
Hey, Bubba,
what's my fortune?
- When you're done filling out
this personality evaluation
worksheet, give it to me.
- Are these the new employees?
- They're applying for the job.
- Aah! I don't even
work here yet!
- Better you taste my whip now.
- Mary, are you sure you want
to go through with this?
- I'd rather get whipped
by a crazy man than shot
by a crazy man.
I really need to rethink
my life.
- Dave? What are you doing here?
- Wow. Even I'm stunned.
- I'm not here to take this job.
I'm here to stop you guys
from making the biggest mistakes
of your lives.
Listen, we're like a great
rock band, like the Jackson 5.
Oh, and, Jerry,
you're Tito, by the way.
- Damn.
- Together, we make
kick-ass music, but apart,
we suck, except for me
because I'm Michael and I'm
gonna put out "Thriller,"
but that's not the point.
The point is
we need to stick together.
Would David Lee Roth
leave Van Halen?
Would Morrissey leave
the Smiths? Would--
- George Michael leave Wham?
Hell, no ♪
- Exactly. Look, GameAVision
belongs to all of us,
not like this place. This place
doesn't belong to anybody.
- Actually, I'm
the majority stockholder.
- You're also majority
douchebag, so get walkin'
before I beat the crap
outta you.
Now let's get back
to GameAVision, everybody.
- Stick together ♪
- Whoa, oh! Aw, yeah!
Get him, Dad!
- Sir, please,
you've already
branded me, twice!
- You gonna wear that
on your head,
I'm gonna brand you
like a steer!
Rope him, Dean!
- Todd runs a lot faster than
you expect for a chubby guy.
- Come here, you!
[Grunts] Gotcha!
- That's what you get
for tryin' to kill me, boy!
And I would like to thank you,
Black Steve,
for lettin' me in
on your little secret.
- Maybe Larrity's
kinda cool after all.
Anybody that hits Todd with
a branding iron is OK by me.
- This pain is incredible.
Could someone bring me
some children's aspirin?
Ugh! They're searing through my
first protective layer of fat.
Now that's touching bone!
[Camera shutter clicks]
- Dude, where have you been?
- Dude, I just dropped a deuce
in the brownie bowl,
which is code for "I took
a dump in the brownie bowl."
- Dave, shut up.
- And then I wiped my ass
on every brownie in the bowl.
- Dave, shut up.
- But it's cool
because my poop is brown
and the brownies are brown,
so no one will ever know.
- Dave, turn around.
- Aw, man.
- Gosh darn it! That's
the second time I've eaten
[bleep] this week!
[Video game music plays,
elephant trumpets]
- Hey, everybody,
good times, people.
- You rule, Woz!
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
[Heavy metal music playing]
- Yeah, you like that? Is that
what you want, huh? You like it?
- Dave, what are you doing?
- My computer is frozen.
If I hit it in just
the right way, it unfreezes.
- Did it work?
- Oh, yeah, sorta. Whoo!
- Dave, we need
to finish this game.
You know, 'cause we're
game programmers?
- Fine. I'll change
my pants later.
- And when are you gonna get
this dead donkey out of here?
- He is not dead.
He is sleeping.
- Dude, why is there a dead
donkey in our office anyway?
- Yeah, it's a prank gone
horribly wrong.
He's still useful, though.
- For what?
- Let's just say it gets
super chilly in here, right?
Then I just cut him open--
[grunts]--like a Tauntaun,
and sleep inside--
ohh!--for warmth.
- What the hell is
wrong with you?
- You know, Jerry,
all these questions are
really distracting me
from programming video games,
which, may I remind you,
is my job.
- Hey, guys.
- Yeah, what's the word?
It's the Wizard of Woz.
- Hey, Mr. Wozniak.
- "Boss Man" to you, Jerry.
- Dave, are you sleeping inside
a dead donkey like a Tauntaun?
- Yeah, I, uh, I am.
- I dig it!
Hey, how's the new game coming?
- Good news. I'm a genius.
"Hobo Killer"?
I guarantee you, number one.
- Wow! Great job!
Hey, guys, do the old CEO
a favor and round up the troops.
Meet me in the break room in 10.
I have a pretty big
announcement.
- You got it, Chief.
[Video game music playing]
- Hey, what do you think Woz's
big announcement could be?
- I don't know,
but it can't be good.
- Jerry, listen to me,
your best friend in the world.
You've got to think
positive, man.
- I'm not sure I can make this.
- That right there
is what I mean.
Think positive, man.
- OK. Think positive.
[Grunts]
- See? You didn't die.
That was positive.
- Aah!
- Fire in the hole!
Hit the deck!
[Gunshot]
Yo, Black Steve.
Meeting in the break room
in 5, buddy.
- You got it.
- Hey, Woz get you a new gun?
- Yeah, I'm trying to get
some inspiration for
my new game, "Cracker Barrel."
It's a game where you shoot
crackers in a barrel.
[Fires gun]
Later. I'm outta here.
- You know, that's really weird
because he's not even
a game programmer;
he's the accountant.
[Video game music plays]
- I'm talking about
the scientific nacho cheese,
the one that has been
chemically formulated. I--
Mother, I have to go.
I have to go now, Mother.
Ah! What say you,
good sirs?
What brings you
to Todd's Lair?
Looking for advice from the
best programmer in the world?
- No, I don't like asking
myself questions.
- No, you see, I am
the best--[sighs]--mm-hmm.
I see. Clever.
- Were you just talking
to your mom about nacho cheese?
- Mother and I share
many passions,
one of which happens to be
our passion for nachos.
The other--my passion for her.
- Wow.
That is really creepy, Todd.
When we find out how many people
are buried in your basement,
are we gonna be more shocked or
more disappointed by the number?
- What do you a-holes want?
- Woz wants to meet with us
all in the break room. He has
some kind of big announcement.
- Fair enough. I shall grace you
with my presence,
but till then,
I say to thee begone!
- OK, Todd.
- I said begone!
My back!
[Video game music playing]
- Hey, Mary, meeting
in the break room.
- Dave, this is
the women's spa.
- What? I ain't lookin',
but I am taking pictures.
Hello ♪
- Hey, Mary.
How's that game you were
workin' on going?
- Great. I think "Red Rhonda" is
really gonna teach girls
about their periods and be
action-packed, so boys
will want to play, too.
- That is totally cool.
- Dude, you are never
gonna bone her.
- Dave!
- Mary, tell him you're
unbonable, the door is locked.
- Out!
- Wait. But maybe
the back door isn't.
- Security!
- Knock, knock.
Who's there? Ow!
- Hey, is there a problem here?
- We were just leaving.
[Video game music plays]
[Camera shutter clicks]
[Video game music plays]
- Grr!
- Mmm
- Dave,
what the hell are you doing?
- Well, Mary, if you must know,
Woz said I could put a urinal
next to the microwave.
- Why?
- So I can make sure
that my frozen burrito
doesn't get overcooked.
- But where are the pipes?
- What pipes? Whoa.
[Microwave beeps]
Hmm. Perfect every time.
- Hey, everybody.
Good times, people.
- Hey, Woz.
Good times.
- Woz-ooh!
- You rule, Woz.
- Thanks, Dave.
Dave, would you mind
wearing pants for this meeting?
- You got it, Chief.
And I'm sorry to you, Mary,
because the free show is over.
- You guys all rule.
[All clamor]
- That's why I'm gonna miss you
all so much after I sell
this company.
- What?!
- You're kidding, right?
- [Bleep] that!
- I feel you, Dave,
but, you know, to everything,
turn, turn, turn.
I think we built a great
community here at GameAVision,
and I know you guys are gonna
keep it going, no matter who
the new owner turns out to be.
- A new owner?!
- There'll be a bunch
of different buyers checking
the place out
over the next week or so,
and I want you guys to
show them what's so great
about this place.
Dave, I'm looking for you to be
the liaison, if that's cool.
- You want me to help you
sell the company?
Are you out of your d---
uh, yeah, ha ha!
You know what?
On second thought, I think
I'll help you, Woz. I think I
could be that dude for you.
[Video game music playing]
- So, Woz tells me
you guys are the ones
that made "Johnny Do Right."
I love that game.
- [Lisping]
At Family Works, we really
believe video games
can serve a moral purpose.
- I'm sure you and Clarence are
gonna have a lot to talk about.
- Hey, guys, come on in ♪
- What in the heck?
- This is Clarence.
He does all the music
for our games.
He rocks and he sucks.
Hey, everyone,
hop in the Jacuzzi ♪
It's hot like me ♪
- Oh, gosh.
I'm getting out of here.
- Keep lovin' who you love,
dude.
- Will do ♪
- Hey, Todd, these investors
are from Canada.
- Ah, yes.
Heh heh! Welcome.
Dave tells me you're interested
in learning the secrets
of a top video game programmer.
- Ja, for sure.
We'd like to check out the staff
before we invest.
- Well, let us begin.
First, one must be comfortable
whilst programming.
- Oh, gosh!
- Let's do a little
word association, shall we?
There are no right
or wrong answers. Let's go.
Jealous.
- Creepy.
- No, that is wrong.
Let's try again.
Dragon's Lair.
- Creepy?
- All right, dudes.
I'll see you in 6 hours.
- Those are both wrong answers,
but there are no right or wrong,
so let's--let's just try again.
Barefoot witch.
- So I showed you
the foosball table, right?
And, uh, this is the microwave.
- Yes, we're more interested
in checking your video game
programming department.
We've seen a microwave before.
- Yes, but have you seen a man
microwave a turd?
- Um, no.
- Well, then consider yourselves
lucky, because that is
my turd in there, and I am
indeed microwaving it.
- Hey, guys, Dave giving you
the grand tour?
- Mr. Wozniak, we have been
dragged around--
- Oh, man, I knew 10 minutes
was too long.
- Dave, did you microwave your--
- Yes.
- Man, that is a classic prank.
- Thanks, man.
Now that's a boss.
- [Vomiting]
- OK, I'm gonna go burn
all my clothes now.
- Yeah, that's probably
for the best.
[Investors murmuring]
- But i-it's a great company!
- Man, it's the eighties.
People really shouldn't
be this uptight.
[Video game music playing]
- Woz, think fast!
Woz, what the hell?
- I'm sorry, Dave.
My heart just isn't
in videogames.
I want to move on and make
the world's greatest computers.
- Aw, dude, please,
not this again.
- These devices are gonna take
people to places they could
never imagine.
Anyone who can use a computer
is gonna be more valuable
than a CEO.
- No offense, Woz,
but home computers are gonna be
a passing fad, like MTV.
- Maybe, but I've got
to chase my dreams.
I was even thinking
of writing a book.
How do you like "IWoz"
as the title?
- Damn it!
That is a great title!
That's why we need you, man,
because you're not a douche,
and that's, like, the highest
compliment I can pay anybody.
- It's true. He's never
called me not a douche,
and I'm his best friend.
- I'm sorry, guys,
but now that Dave has scared
away all the potential buyers,
I've got to sell
the company to--
- No, don't say it.
-Bellecovision just made
a formal offer today.
- Bellecovision? Bellecovision
is the ass of the gaming
industry.
That place is where awesomeness
goes to die.
- More code.
More code ♪
- I can't take it anymore!
- And, P.S., they produce
nothing but [bleep] games.
- They do have dental.
- Shut up, dude.
Woz, please, you can't sell out
to Bellecovision.
There has to be another option.
- Well, there is one investor
you haven't scared off yet--
a Texas businessman
by the name of Bob Larrity.
- Sounds perfect!
- What?
- Because he's not
Bellecovision, Jerry.
- But selling to anyone
without discussing it
with my employees
wouldn't be the Woz way.
To the outdoor fun zone
and barbecue pit.
- Man, I am gonna miss this guy.
- Yeah, he's the best.
[Jetpack engine roaring]
[Trumpet fanfare]
- The Horn of Consensus
hath sounded.
The great and powerful Woz
has arrived!
- My friends, this is as much
your company as mine.
That's why I'm gonna settle this
by a majority vote,
and I promise to accept
whatever bid you choose,
so everyone who would like
to work for Bellecovision,
please raise their hands.
Everyone who wants to work
for Mr. Larrity,
please raise your hands.
We should have a majority.
Did someone abstain?
- It was Jerry, Mr. Woz.
Jerry didn't vote.
By the way, Mr. Woz, that outfit
is very slimming on you.
- Come on, bro, don't be a suit.
- Jerry, you know what's right.
- He's a witch!
A witch! Burn him!
- But we haven't
even met Larrity.
- A witch, I tell you!
He consumes baby skulls
and fear!
- All right, stop!
- All right,
maybe I'm being a little bit
of an alarmist.
- All right, buddy,
it looks like it's up to you.
So who's it gonna be,
Bellecovision or Larrity?
- I guess, if I had to vote,
I guess I would vote for--
[Chimes tinkle]
[Chimes tinkle]
- Well, Jerry, who's it
gonna be, Dave or me?
- Don't listen to her, dude.
She's using her vagina
to confuse and amaze you.
- Don't talk about my vagina!
- You're in a safe place, Jerry.
- Unless you pick wrong.
Then we'll have to
[bleep] you up.
- Steven, we talked
about your anger issues.
- Sorry, Woz.
I need to learn to
express myself
in less angry ways.
What are you
mother-[bleep] staring at?
[Bleep], I did it again.
[Sighs] I'm going
to my [bleep] pool of shame.
- I guess I'd have to
choose, uh, Larrity?
- Yes!
In your face, Mary.
- Rrr!
- Oh! God!
- Sorry, Woz.
- You've got anger issues, girl.
[Video game music playing]
- [Grunting and panting]
[Toilet flushes]
I'm telling you,
you could get free rubbers
this way. Come on, baby.
Give me a little bit more
of the somethin'-somethin'.
- Boy, are you humpin'
that condom machine?
- Yeah, and by the way, thanks
for interrupting
my J.O. session, Tex.
- Boys, name's
Big T. Larrity.
My friends call me Hoss,
and my family calls me Carl.
That was my paternal
great-grandfather's name.
He was a homosexual.
Died by his own hand
in '48.
You boys can call me
Mr. Larrity.
- Uh, hi.
- And this is my son, Dean.
- I like circles
'cause they're round and stuff.
- Thank you, Dean.
That boy is r-e-tarded.
Dean, why don't you drop and
crank out a hundred pushups?
Me and the boys here are gonna
have ourselves a little
meander.
- You got it, Dad!
1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2
- He can only count to 4,
so it's gonna take a while.
- 1, 2, 3, 4!
[Video game music plays]
- Boys, there's gonna be a lot
of changes here at GameAVision.
- Great. Let's hear 'em.
- Shut your yapper, son!
No talkin' while I'm talkin'!
First off, Christmas is
canceled, even Jew Christmas.
[Bat squeaks]
Whoa! And we got to get rid
of this bat problem.
It's open season
on them bastards.
And absolutely
no more damn turtles!
- Yeah, I hate turtles, too.
You know, they spread syphilis.
- Shut up.
- I got syphilis from a turtle
once, not from a Mexican whore.
- Dabba da!
- Sorry, sorry.
- Listen, I don't know anything
about video games,
but I heard that you two are
my star programmers,
so I am hell-bent on having
you boys continue
to do what's really
important to me.
- Making sweet-ass video games
and getting messed up on hooch.
- Yeah!
- No, you goofy-looking
cow turd, making me money!
I love money.
I got a blow-up doll
made of money
that I make suh-weet love to
e'ry night.
- That's messed up.
- My love of money
has helped me succeed
in women's coats,
novelty items,
and now video games!
There are 3 things Big T.
don't much cotton to:
bats, turtles, and people
who [bleep] with my money!
- Hey, boys, it's me,
Clarence ♪
It's your best friend
in the world ♪
Who happens to be gay ♪
Whoo ♪
- Whoa!
And whatever the hell
that thing was.
- That's fo--
- Shut up, Dave.
- So if you boys [bleep] me,
well, then
we got ourselves
a little problemo.
Lookin' forward to workin'
with you two gentlemen.
'Scuse me, boys.
Them bats is good eatin'.
Yee-ha!
- Great. Our new boss is
a money-grubbing psychopath.
Nice going, Dave.
- Well, you voted for him,
jackhole.
- OK, so what's the deal, guys?
[Todd farts]
Are we screwed or what?
- Everything is super cool,
everything will remain the same,
and don't worry
'cause nobody's getting fired.
- Yee-ha!
[Drill whirs]
- What the hell?
- Sorry, sweetheart.
I need to expand
the men's room. Heh!
I like to walk around
like a caged tiger
before I take
a big, steamin' 2.
- So what are the ladies
supposed to use?
- Well, if you ladies
could aim properly,
you could pee in
a coffee can,
but since you can't,
it ain't my problem.
Dean! Let's go fill up
the swimmin' pool with cement!
[Video game music playing]
- Black Steven! Now you're gonna
be sharin' an office with--
- Like hell I am.
- Ha!
- Huh?
- Flak jacket, son,
but nice try.
I respect you for it.
You got spirit.
You have earned
your own office,
until the rematch,
of course.
[Chime]
- So looks like I own
a video game company!
Ha ha! Let's hear
some video game ideas, ladies.
- Well, sir, I--
- Oh, see, when I say "ladies,"
I mean it as a derogatory term
for the men.
No offense to the ladies.
So what do you got
for me, ladies?
- Well, I guess, since I'm
the best, I'll go first.
I know what you're all
thinking: "Todd,
how can you top yourself
after your brilliant game,
'Space Blaster'?"
- Wow, Todd is such a douche.
- Well, yes, I asked myself
that very same question,
and my answer is thus.
Behold!
"Space Blaster II"!
- Wow, Todd.
- That's right.
Two ships, two blasters.
Double fun.
- Two ships is
the Holy Grail of gaming.
How did you do it?
- Who cares?
Thank you, nerd,
with the cow horns on your head.
- [Scoffs] Philistine.
- OK.
Which one of youse is next?
- Yeah, I'm Dave, the best
game programmer. Anyway,
I've been working on several new
titles with my buddy, Jerry.
First one is a game
called "Nazi Sniper."
- I love it, Dave!
A Nazi who snipes people.
- No, it's actually a guy
who kills Nazis.
- Oh. Well, I don't like it.
- Wait. What?
- So here's the deal, people.
It may seem like we're
in training camp,
but the Super Bowl's
actually next week.
That's why I can't have
any bench warmers on this team.
Ain't that right, Benny?
- Mr. Larrity,
I can have
more Pixy Stix, please?
- There you go, kid.
Go crazy. Heh heh!
- I'm thirsty!
- That kid's from Korea.
Company illegally adopted him.
I feed him cigarettes
to stunt his growth
and sugar to keep him playing.
- You're number 1, Mr. Larrity!
You're better than baseball
and apple pie together!
Yay, America!
Yankee Doodle!
- That imprisoned
10-year-old boy
is gonna be testin'
all your games.
- Is that legal?
- And, P.S.,
I'm making' my son Dean here
the new head of development.
- Yes!
- So maybe we can get
some good games in here.
- Wicked! Let's do it!
- Sweet hell.
- OK, I'll say it now.
I think I might have made
a small mistake.
- Ya think?
[Video game music playing]
- Welcome, Steven.
It occurs to me you've, uh,
never been to the lair before. -
Yeah 'cause you creep me out.
What do you want, Todd?
- Look, Larrity is a fool.
A fool, I tell you!
- Get to the point or
I'm gonna beat you.
- Very well.
With my cunning and your rage
and handiness with firearms,
we can take Larrity out.
What say you, man?
- Yeah, all right.
But you got to give me $20.
- Fair enough.
- And your van.
- OK.
- Yo, and that sword.
- Excalibur knows no hands
but mine own.
- The sword or forget it.
- Very well.
I dub thee the Black Knight,
Protector of Todd.
- If I find out Black Knight
is some racist crap,
it's go time
between me and you.
[Video game music playing]
- Aw, sweet balls!
What has he done?
- You like it, boy?
I took out all the fun stuff.
Too much fun killed
the hooker, as they say.
- Mr. Larrity, Todd.
May I have the privilege
of buying you
a delicious candy bar?
- Huh! I don't remember
stocking the candy machine
with black fellas.
- Now, now, now!
- What?
- Nice try, Stevie,
but I put bulletproof glass
in all my vendin' machines
and automobiles.
I'll see you later, fattie,
and you owe me a Baby Ruth.
[Video game music plays]
[Birds chirp]
- Jerry really messed up
this time.
- But you wanted Larrity, too.
- Woz, let's not play
the blame game.
- Well, I'm not pointing
any fingers,
but look where my finger
is pointing.
- No time for jokes, dude.
- Listen, Dave,
I'm sorry it's
a little rocky right now,
but Mr. Larrity is
a good man.
- He outlawed Frisbee Friday.
- What?
- And he took my urinal
out of the break room.
- That might have been
for the best.
- All right, I didn't want
to tell you this,
but he put cement in your
saltwater fish tank.
- He said he wouldn't do that!
I wish I could
help you out, Dave,
but it's too late.
Larrity owns GameAVision now.
- Lame.
- There is one option.
- You could always
come work here with me.
- What did I tell you, man?
The home computer is dead.
Woz, you sort of lack vision.
You know what?
Forget it. I'm outta here.
[Horn blows]
- GameAVision needs you.
It's your time now.
It's my time here,
but it's your time there.
You have to lead them now, Dave.
Plus, you could hide
your stash in there.
- OK, man. Thanks.
You know,
we just had a little moment
here, and I kinda liked it.
- Oh, and one more thing.
Have an apple for the road.
- Thanks, Woz. Who names
their company after a fruit?
- Are you sure this is
gonna work?
- Trust me.
I'm a genius.
- It better be chocolate cake
I'm jumpin' out of.
- What the hell is that,
a gigantic cake?
Ooh, it's vanilla.
- Mother-[bleep]!
- Yes, my lord, just, uh,
an office-warming gift.
Nice office, by the way.
Very pleasant
in here, manly.
- Yep, just movin' stuff in.
I--
Wow, y'all!
Look out!
Yee-ha!
I heard about this!
This is one
of them fortune cakes
with a black feller inside!
Hey, Bubba,
what's my fortune?
- When you're done filling out
this personality evaluation
worksheet, give it to me.
- Are these the new employees?
- They're applying for the job.
- Aah! I don't even
work here yet!
- Better you taste my whip now.
- Mary, are you sure you want
to go through with this?
- I'd rather get whipped
by a crazy man than shot
by a crazy man.
I really need to rethink
my life.
- Dave? What are you doing here?
- Wow. Even I'm stunned.
- I'm not here to take this job.
I'm here to stop you guys
from making the biggest mistakes
of your lives.
Listen, we're like a great
rock band, like the Jackson 5.
Oh, and, Jerry,
you're Tito, by the way.
- Damn.
- Together, we make
kick-ass music, but apart,
we suck, except for me
because I'm Michael and I'm
gonna put out "Thriller,"
but that's not the point.
The point is
we need to stick together.
Would David Lee Roth
leave Van Halen?
Would Morrissey leave
the Smiths? Would--
- George Michael leave Wham?
Hell, no ♪
- Exactly. Look, GameAVision
belongs to all of us,
not like this place. This place
doesn't belong to anybody.
- Actually, I'm
the majority stockholder.
- You're also majority
douchebag, so get walkin'
before I beat the crap
outta you.
Now let's get back
to GameAVision, everybody.
- Stick together ♪
- Whoa, oh! Aw, yeah!
Get him, Dad!
- Sir, please,
you've already
branded me, twice!
- You gonna wear that
on your head,
I'm gonna brand you
like a steer!
Rope him, Dean!
- Todd runs a lot faster than
you expect for a chubby guy.
- Come here, you!
[Grunts] Gotcha!
- That's what you get
for tryin' to kill me, boy!
And I would like to thank you,
Black Steve,
for lettin' me in
on your little secret.
- Maybe Larrity's
kinda cool after all.
Anybody that hits Todd with
a branding iron is OK by me.
- This pain is incredible.
Could someone bring me
some children's aspirin?
Ugh! They're searing through my
first protective layer of fat.
Now that's touching bone!
[Camera shutter clicks]
- Dude, where have you been?
- Dude, I just dropped a deuce
in the brownie bowl,
which is code for "I took
a dump in the brownie bowl."
- Dave, shut up.
- And then I wiped my ass
on every brownie in the bowl.
- Dave, shut up.
- But it's cool
because my poop is brown
and the brownies are brown,
so no one will ever know.
- Dave, turn around.
- Aw, man.
- Gosh darn it! That's
the second time I've eaten
[bleep] this week!
[Video game music plays,
elephant trumpets]
- Hey, everybody,
good times, people.
- You rule, Woz!