Con Man (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Stalled
Con Man - Episode 1 - "Stalled" Okay, Bobbie, I just missed your call.
Call me.
The tickets are for coach, not first class.
And now first class is full, and if I wait 'til tomorrow, I'm gonna miss the convention.
Alright? First class was the deal.
I can't do coach.
My back is still screwed up from that sci-fi charity ski thing.
That you booked me on.
"Slopes for hopes".
Okay? I am broken.
If I sit in coach I don't know.
Call me.
Bye.
Are you Wray Nerely? From "Spectrum"? Eh, no.
I am not Oh, my god! No, no, I recognize your voice! I'm a huge "Spectrum" fan.
Could you sign my magazine? I just bought this, man.
Seems kinda perfect.
No, no there's nothing perfect about this.
Please, it's not For me.
It's for the charity thing.
My wife hosts a "Spectrum" marathon benefiting people afflicted with Spastic Seasonal Per (mumbles).
- Spastic - Seasonal Per (mumbles).
Yeah, yeah.
I don't think that's a thing.
It's a thing! No, it's totally a thing.
She's a victim of it.
She's filthy with it.
You know what, I would sign it right now, except I'm on the toilet and I don't have a pen.
God! Are you serious? Ah, geez, I'm sorry Are you famous? Did you ever see that show "Spectrum"? No Greatest cancelled tv show ever, man.
This guy flew the spaceship! And you're in a magazine? No, Jack Moore is.
He was the captain of the spaceship.
You guys, you're like best friends, right? Wait, wait, wait, wait! Jack Moore from "Return to Tomorrow"? - I love that movie! - Oh yeah, great movie.
He was amazing.
Made the movie one of the greats.
Listen, man, I'm kinda done in here, and I have to catch my flight, so Could you just, you know That's so awesome! Thanks, man.
I will see you in hell! - Did you say it with me? - No.
I couldn't tell, cuz, you know - God, no one's gonna believe this! - I don't.
Space show, huh? I don't know.
I usually don't watch that stuff.
The sets look cheap, everything looks shitty They take themselves so seriously.
Hey! Don't be putting down sci-fi.
It's my favorite.
You know who Wray Nerely is? Of course.
Why? You know, he's sitting next to you.
No way.
Dude.
Sign this.
What What can I get ya? A whisky.
Hey, Tony.
Uh, it's Wray Nerely.
I just got Uh, hey So I got the e-mail about the audition No, it's a little loud here.
I got the e-mail about the Clint Eastwood western! Hush? Oh, hush I can hush I can hush it down But it is a convention weekend, so maybe I can do it Monday.
It's not every weekend.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll just record it while I'm there and send it in.
Okay.
Hey, it says that the part is written for a 30 year old Is there any movement on that? I can play 30.
Nerely.
Wray Nerely, is that you hiding out in the corner? Come on! You don't wanna be seen? How you doing? Sean Jesus, man.
You scared me.
I just had the weirdest interaction with a fan in the men's room.
I'd keep that to yourself.
Hey, is Spastic Seasonal - Pren-clan-nes-dan a thing? - Yeah, you better believe it is.
Can I have a whiskey? You know what? Here, have mine.
- Really? - Yeah, it's a A work weekend, so I Excuse us, we're trying not to geek out - Could we get a picture please? - Hell yeah! Come on.
- You guys going to the con? - Oh yeah.
- Fantastic? Where you from? - Siberia.
Siberia? You really from Siberia? That's awesome.
Alright, get close Come on, be friends.
Three, two, one How's it going? - Here you go.
- Thanks, Samwise.
- Thanks, Cash.
- Yeah.
Samwise.
Cash.
They think of us as our characters.
They think we are our characters! - Does that freak you out? - Not at all.
Nothing wrong with being a hobbit.
They think that you're a spaceship pilot! What's wrong with that? Better than reality.
Damn.
If you're not comfortable with fan interactions - Why are you going to a fan convention? - No, I Love the fans, I do.
I love them.
I do, I do.
Did.
Do.
We're the music makers.
You're just dancing to the dream.
I don't know I do.
You're an artist.
- Right? - Yeah.
Well, their flattery inflates your ego, so it give you a an artifical sense of yourself, which ultimately, retards your artistic truth.
Which can't help but retard your ability to create.
Are you saying "retards"? Retards it all up.
I don't know that you're using that word correctly.
Retard.
To impede or hinder.
Those fans are retarding me.
Oh wait, you know what? I gotta go change my ticket.
They put me in coach.
My back cannot handle that kind of punishment.
Well, you know what? When you get to the plane if you see a convention fan in first class Lieutenant, you just order them to switch seats with you.
I can't do that.
Just Be who they think you are.
Be who they think I am.
See you on the plane.
For the shire! Hello.
Oh, my god Oh, my god.
Tribute.
- It is such a pleasure to meet you, Cash.
- I work for a living, soldier.
You call me "Lieutenant".
Lieutenant War has broken out Oh shit, excuse me.
I'm headed to the con.
Right now.
I going to see you.
- I brought a bunch of stuff for you to sign.
- Yes, soldier.
I have a mission for you that's of the utmost importance, okay? You've been reassigned.
You're gonna be stationed In row 32.
- Mmkay? - Lieutenant, but I'm Look.
I didn't say it wasn't gonna be a dangerous mission.
It's gonna be dangerous, very dangerous.
It's gonna be tight quarters and smells by themselves.
You're gonna need your wits, all your training You need - Skill - Okay, but you need to sign everything that I have.
No, no, no, no.
No, no.
No, no.
Look I don't wanna sign that.
Listen, so, uh - At the conclusion of the mission - No.
- Now.
- And I will rendezvous no? Shit.
Use my lucky pen.
- How much crap do you have? - A lot.
I have 16 nieces and nephews.
I'm a very busy uncle.
Seriously? God, that has got to be the last thing.
- Actually, this too.
- You want me to sign your tits? And I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I know it is against code - to deface - Look, we're not doing that anymore.
So you're gonna text me, right? Sean Astin? Oh, my god.
Is that your seat? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what? Thank you, but deal is off.
I am not moving.
- Of course you are.
I just signed all your crap! - You know, sometimes in life - stuff like that happens.
- I've only half - signed your shirt! - It looks Alright.
Okay now, get up.
What the hell, man.
Look, soldier, we entered into an agreement, and you are forfeiting - that - We're not doing that anymore.
I am a huge fan of "Spectrum" but this is Samwise Gamgee.
Yeah, I am.
And he's in "The Strain"! I love Guillermo Del Toro, I love his work, I just think it's so great he's in TV.
- The Strain? - I love this guy! - I sit - Sir? - Yes? - I need you to take your seat, please.
In row Excuse me, sir.
You wouldn't happen to be a sci-fi fan, would you? Fuck off.
Oh Okay, that's grounds for removal.
I think that is grounds for - ejection from this flight.
- I'm Federal Air Marshal Cahoots, I could have you ejected from this flight at 30,000 feet, if necessary.
I think this man needs some warm nuts and maybe a towel.
- Hot, hot, hot towels.
- Sir, may we, please? Have a good flight.
This way.
Dishonorable discharge.
Wray Nerely! - I'm gonna buy you a beer when we get there.
- Nerely? Hey, it's me! You signed my toilet paper! Two seats in one day, it's crazy.
Call me.
The tickets are for coach, not first class.
And now first class is full, and if I wait 'til tomorrow, I'm gonna miss the convention.
Alright? First class was the deal.
I can't do coach.
My back is still screwed up from that sci-fi charity ski thing.
That you booked me on.
"Slopes for hopes".
Okay? I am broken.
If I sit in coach I don't know.
Call me.
Bye.
Are you Wray Nerely? From "Spectrum"? Eh, no.
I am not Oh, my god! No, no, I recognize your voice! I'm a huge "Spectrum" fan.
Could you sign my magazine? I just bought this, man.
Seems kinda perfect.
No, no there's nothing perfect about this.
Please, it's not For me.
It's for the charity thing.
My wife hosts a "Spectrum" marathon benefiting people afflicted with Spastic Seasonal Per (mumbles).
- Spastic - Seasonal Per (mumbles).
Yeah, yeah.
I don't think that's a thing.
It's a thing! No, it's totally a thing.
She's a victim of it.
She's filthy with it.
You know what, I would sign it right now, except I'm on the toilet and I don't have a pen.
God! Are you serious? Ah, geez, I'm sorry Are you famous? Did you ever see that show "Spectrum"? No Greatest cancelled tv show ever, man.
This guy flew the spaceship! And you're in a magazine? No, Jack Moore is.
He was the captain of the spaceship.
You guys, you're like best friends, right? Wait, wait, wait, wait! Jack Moore from "Return to Tomorrow"? - I love that movie! - Oh yeah, great movie.
He was amazing.
Made the movie one of the greats.
Listen, man, I'm kinda done in here, and I have to catch my flight, so Could you just, you know That's so awesome! Thanks, man.
I will see you in hell! - Did you say it with me? - No.
I couldn't tell, cuz, you know - God, no one's gonna believe this! - I don't.
Space show, huh? I don't know.
I usually don't watch that stuff.
The sets look cheap, everything looks shitty They take themselves so seriously.
Hey! Don't be putting down sci-fi.
It's my favorite.
You know who Wray Nerely is? Of course.
Why? You know, he's sitting next to you.
No way.
Dude.
Sign this.
What What can I get ya? A whisky.
Hey, Tony.
Uh, it's Wray Nerely.
I just got Uh, hey So I got the e-mail about the audition No, it's a little loud here.
I got the e-mail about the Clint Eastwood western! Hush? Oh, hush I can hush I can hush it down But it is a convention weekend, so maybe I can do it Monday.
It's not every weekend.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll just record it while I'm there and send it in.
Okay.
Hey, it says that the part is written for a 30 year old Is there any movement on that? I can play 30.
Nerely.
Wray Nerely, is that you hiding out in the corner? Come on! You don't wanna be seen? How you doing? Sean Jesus, man.
You scared me.
I just had the weirdest interaction with a fan in the men's room.
I'd keep that to yourself.
Hey, is Spastic Seasonal - Pren-clan-nes-dan a thing? - Yeah, you better believe it is.
Can I have a whiskey? You know what? Here, have mine.
- Really? - Yeah, it's a A work weekend, so I Excuse us, we're trying not to geek out - Could we get a picture please? - Hell yeah! Come on.
- You guys going to the con? - Oh yeah.
- Fantastic? Where you from? - Siberia.
Siberia? You really from Siberia? That's awesome.
Alright, get close Come on, be friends.
Three, two, one How's it going? - Here you go.
- Thanks, Samwise.
- Thanks, Cash.
- Yeah.
Samwise.
Cash.
They think of us as our characters.
They think we are our characters! - Does that freak you out? - Not at all.
Nothing wrong with being a hobbit.
They think that you're a spaceship pilot! What's wrong with that? Better than reality.
Damn.
If you're not comfortable with fan interactions - Why are you going to a fan convention? - No, I Love the fans, I do.
I love them.
I do, I do.
Did.
Do.
We're the music makers.
You're just dancing to the dream.
I don't know I do.
You're an artist.
- Right? - Yeah.
Well, their flattery inflates your ego, so it give you a an artifical sense of yourself, which ultimately, retards your artistic truth.
Which can't help but retard your ability to create.
Are you saying "retards"? Retards it all up.
I don't know that you're using that word correctly.
Retard.
To impede or hinder.
Those fans are retarding me.
Oh wait, you know what? I gotta go change my ticket.
They put me in coach.
My back cannot handle that kind of punishment.
Well, you know what? When you get to the plane if you see a convention fan in first class Lieutenant, you just order them to switch seats with you.
I can't do that.
Just Be who they think you are.
Be who they think I am.
See you on the plane.
For the shire! Hello.
Oh, my god Oh, my god.
Tribute.
- It is such a pleasure to meet you, Cash.
- I work for a living, soldier.
You call me "Lieutenant".
Lieutenant War has broken out Oh shit, excuse me.
I'm headed to the con.
Right now.
I going to see you.
- I brought a bunch of stuff for you to sign.
- Yes, soldier.
I have a mission for you that's of the utmost importance, okay? You've been reassigned.
You're gonna be stationed In row 32.
- Mmkay? - Lieutenant, but I'm Look.
I didn't say it wasn't gonna be a dangerous mission.
It's gonna be dangerous, very dangerous.
It's gonna be tight quarters and smells by themselves.
You're gonna need your wits, all your training You need - Skill - Okay, but you need to sign everything that I have.
No, no, no, no.
No, no.
No, no.
Look I don't wanna sign that.
Listen, so, uh - At the conclusion of the mission - No.
- Now.
- And I will rendezvous no? Shit.
Use my lucky pen.
- How much crap do you have? - A lot.
I have 16 nieces and nephews.
I'm a very busy uncle.
Seriously? God, that has got to be the last thing.
- Actually, this too.
- You want me to sign your tits? And I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I know it is against code - to deface - Look, we're not doing that anymore.
So you're gonna text me, right? Sean Astin? Oh, my god.
Is that your seat? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what? Thank you, but deal is off.
I am not moving.
- Of course you are.
I just signed all your crap! - You know, sometimes in life - stuff like that happens.
- I've only half - signed your shirt! - It looks Alright.
Okay now, get up.
What the hell, man.
Look, soldier, we entered into an agreement, and you are forfeiting - that - We're not doing that anymore.
I am a huge fan of "Spectrum" but this is Samwise Gamgee.
Yeah, I am.
And he's in "The Strain"! I love Guillermo Del Toro, I love his work, I just think it's so great he's in TV.
- The Strain? - I love this guy! - I sit - Sir? - Yes? - I need you to take your seat, please.
In row Excuse me, sir.
You wouldn't happen to be a sci-fi fan, would you? Fuck off.
Oh Okay, that's grounds for removal.
I think that is grounds for - ejection from this flight.
- I'm Federal Air Marshal Cahoots, I could have you ejected from this flight at 30,000 feet, if necessary.
I think this man needs some warm nuts and maybe a towel.
- Hot, hot, hot towels.
- Sir, may we, please? Have a good flight.
This way.
Dishonorable discharge.
Wray Nerely! - I'm gonna buy you a beer when we get there.
- Nerely? Hey, it's me! You signed my toilet paper! Two seats in one day, it's crazy.