Cooper Barretts Guide to Surviving Life (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (crowd cheering) COOPER: When you graduate from college, you feel prepared to take on the world.
- Good luck.
- Not gonna need it.
But the truth is, no one has ever bothered to properly prepare anyone for this next decade of your life.
Until now.
My name is Cooper Barrett.
I'm 26 years old, I'm being held hostage, and there are some things I think you should know.
- (siren wailing in distance) - Is it me, or is it a little warm in here? (grunting) (chuckles): Okay.
It's gonna take a lot more than that to break me.
(grunts) (pants) What do you guys want to know? (clucking) Hey.
Hey, don't worry, Mr.
Chicken.
We'll get out of this alive.
This lesson starts the day after my college graduation.
- Barry! - Come on.
The thing is, dude, I've been crunching some numbers, and based on my looks, salary and personality deficiencies, there's an 87% chance my wife will have a mustache.
Well, she'll be the luckiest, hairiest woman in the world.
Every group of friends has what I like to call a "Lovable Jackass.
" - I said I'm sorry - Oh! - This is mine.
- Can't afford a Ferrari But that don't mean I can't get you there.
I love that song! Brand-new.
It's the dude from Gnarls Barkley.
What happened to the towel? Hi, guys.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I'm Kelly.
- Cooper.
- Hi.
The guy learning to use a door is Neal.
Hey.
How's it going? Who's the, uh, wet, naked guy? Uh Barry.
- It's Barry.
- Right.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Well, welcome to the building.
Thanks.
You make the creepiest first impression.
Have I ever told you that before? - (car horn honking) - Wrap it up! (laughs): Josh! Happy housewarming, baby brother.
Yeah! (laughter) What?! (rhythmic grunting) Who's humping me? That's Virgil he manages the building.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh - Ah.
Rent is due on the third.
BARRY: Smart TV? Are you telling me I can watch 64-inch, - high-definition Internet pornography? - Yeah, or Star Wars.
Oh, my God! - Oh! - Oh, God, so tight! - Your grasp is so tight! - Thank you so much.
- Thanks, Josh.
- Thanks, brother.
No need to thank me, because you are about to give me back the decade of my life that I never got a chance to live.
Let me paint you a picture.
I started at my law firm at 22.
I got married at 23 to a woman your sister-in-law whom I love dearly.
But she's a fun-sucker.
She sucks fun.
Well, hey, man, our home is your home.
Fantastic.
What do you say we get a little crazy tonight and Have a housewarming party.
I was gonna say a nice cheese plate and a Guitar Hero marathon, but your idea does sound better.
Yeah, housewarming party's a cool idea, but we should probably, like, check the lease.
- Okay, yeah, gentlemen, yeah.
- That's a good point.
What kind of guys do we want to be for the next ten years of our lives, huh? The kind of guys who check leases or the guys who throw parties the guys checking leases can't attend 'cause they're home checking leases? Can you repeat those choices? So let's start this decade off right by throwing a knockdown, blowout, "I can't feel the left side of my face" housewarming party! - What do you say? - (all shouting in agreement) I see you driving round town And look how black the blacks are.
Are you talking about the picture quality or the, uh, black people? Okay, Jeff, that's racial.
Don't touch it! - So you guys just moved in? - Yep, you know, signed a check for first, last and security.
It's no big deal.
I got a full-time job, so I'm just looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with and take my virginity! (chuckles) Look no further.
You're my Aphrodite I know our love can be mighty Come on, baby, try me You might find out you like me Be gentle, ah! Maybe later? VIRGIL: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! This party is total sausage fest! - No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, crap.
The woman you, you, the blonde! Not you, the blonde in hot top.
Yeah, come on.
COOPER: Nice to see you again.
You're in a dryer.
I'm hiding from my boyfriend.
Things were going great with us at first.
And now, every time he speaks, I just want to bunch up his face with my hands.
I'm gonna force him to break up with me by doing a lot of little things that really bother him, like saying the word "tampon" a lot.
"Tampon, yeast infection" either one.
You're a little complicated.
It's okay.
I'm complicated, too.
I mean, I just graduated, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
Right, because you're not ready to be a man.
Did my dad put you up to this? I'm saying, guys like you, who are still figuring things out are exhausting.
Okay? You're the reason why I only date men in their 30s.
Oh, that's interesting.
'Cause, um, I think you date men in their 30s 'cause you're one of those college athlete girls who likes to win at everything.
So you date dudes that look good on paper, but you wind up hiding in a dryer 'cause you're bored to death by him.
Okay, now I want to bunch up your face.
I thought we were just saying stuff about each other.
- There you are.
- (screams) Tampon.
Watch this, watch this.
You just pull the bird back, right? And then you let it go, - and you shoot the pig out of the sky.
- Wow, thanks, Grandpa.
Least favorite person.
You're my least favorite person in this whole party.
- (phone ringing) - Oh.
Uh, hi, yeah.
Uh, h-hey.
Hey, babe.
I thought you were just going over to say hi.
I was, I was, but the, uh the guys made me stay and help them unpack.
Well, hurry home, and don't forget we're gonna have a baby! How could I forget? (mute button beeps) 'Cause you won't let me.
(mute button beeps) It's the most important thing in my life.
- Oh, I love you.
- Love you, love you.
You know, I was just thinking about - (dial tone droning) - Hello? Hello? BARRY (whispering): They about to steal the TV.
Oh, hell no! Not happening, fellas! Not COOPER: Let's stop here, because this is important.
Mmm, this is delicious.
Thank you so much.
Nobody put Barry in charge of the TV.
That's just something he made up in his head.
But who cares, right? What's the harm? I'm tied to a chair.
happening! They taking the TV! There are, like, 500 people at this party.
How the hell are they gonna take the TV? Are you kidding me? That dude in "Despicable Me" stole the whole moon.
Anybody have the energy to field that? Bro, you need to relax, okay? Calm down.
You're at a party, right? Yeah, damn right we're here to party.
You guys really want to party? (chuckling) Are you ready for this? You ready for this? You ready for this? Are you ready for this? You ready for this? Yeah, yo, the guys look fresh and the ladies on Now let me tell the DJ to play that song Let's have a good time where it can't go wrong - (all cheering) - We gon' do this here, like, all night long Are you ready for this? Are you ready for this? (grunting) (phone ringing) That's my phone.
That's my phone.
Where is it? There we go.
Hello? There she is.
Hey, babe.
Uh, no, no, no.
Almost finished.
Almost finished, yeah.
No, it's amazing how much stuff a college kid has these days.
Hey, can anybody else not see? Whose is this? (pig oinking) Uh, no, we just have a couple more boxes, and then everything will be as - (screams) - as it's supposed to be.
BARRY: They stole our TV! I think I'm gonna have to call you back.
(gasping) (slurps) Those damn UFC guys.
- I told you! - Can I get some help here? Hmm? Who are you? I'm Neal's girlfriend.
Barry, this hangover remedy is amazing.
BARRY: My grandma throws down, okay? I know her hangover remedy is amazing, all right? Mmm, she's a genius.
This thing is not only delicious, but I'm almost getting my sight back here.
Now, everybody listen up, okay? 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once.
I'm not gonna rest until I find those guys, and I put that TV back on the wall! COOPER: Now, I know what you're thinking.
Barry can't mean that, can he? I mean, eventually he's gonna stop caring about the TV.
Two years later Oh, that girl loved her some books.
The UFC guys.
Oh, it is on like Michelle Kwan.
(slurps) The point is, Craig, I'm the captain of our Tiger Thrust Energy Drink Team, and I want you guys out there promoting the brand.
You know, youth, power, a sense of adventure.
I need you to stop calling people "ass-face.
" Yes, sir.
Don't call me, sir, man.
I'm younger than you.
Tiger Thrust.
Enjoy it.
I'm not nearly as embarrassed for you as I thought I'd be.
(laughs) You're actually good at this.
I know, right? I just wish the product had a better name than Tiger Thrust.
And, you know, it tasted better.
And didn't contain the chemical found in glow sticks.
- Wait, seriously? - Yeah.
Ah, okay, no.
Uh, but at least this gig's just temporary, right? Oh, uh-oh, okay.
Uh, I had sex with this girl.
Can't remember her name.
Think it starts with a C.
Cooper! Cavala - What's going on, girl? - - (laughs) What did you call me? - I know, right? How are you doing? - Great! - Great.
- Great.
- Great.
Great.
Great.
- Great.
- Great.
Hi, I'm Kelly.
- Kristen.
- COOPER: Oh, did I not? Kristen, Kristen, Kelly.
Kelly, Kristen.
Ah (chuckles) Are you two together? - Neighbors.
- God no, no.
(chuckles) Well, call me.
(chuckles) Yeah, you got it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
It was good to see you, Krista.
- Kristen.
- Kristen! Okay, it's official.
You're my best friend in the whole wide world.
- Remind me to never have sex with you.
- (phone ringing) Oh, yeah, never have sex with me.
You know, unless you feel it's something you absolutely have to do.
Hello? I found it.
Found what? Hold, please.
- (pig snorting) - Thanks, babe.
That feels so good.
(phone ringing) Hello? (phone buzzing) Talk to me.
Yo, I found the flat-screen.
- No.
- Yes.
- How? - (Josh laughs) It's fantastic! Uh-huh.
I'm at 2280 South Arapahoe, and I'm looking right at it.
JOSH: Barry, no.
Okay, Barry Barry, don't do anything until we get there.
Do not even dream about going without me.
Because I'll be in bed dreaming next to my lovely wife.
(TV playing quietly) - NEAL: Barry? - BARRY: They're leaving.
- Barry.
- I'm going in.
No.
Bar-Barry.
(phone beeps) (hangs up) Oh, God.
(phone beeps) Hey! Good night, sweetie.
COOPER: What Barry's doing here is called "breaking and entering.
" This is not sneaking into your friend's dorm room or a high school science lab.
This is a felony.
Oh.
Little baby Batboy.
There is so much good in this world.
(whispers): Damn, this is a big-ass TV.
(toilet flushes) (gasping) (door opens) Shh.
(whispers): Where are you? (men laughing) - What is he doing? - Barry? (door creaks) (baby crying over monitor) - (man snoring) - COOPER: Once they fell asleep, a normal person would make a break for it.
(snoring continues) Not your Loveable Jackass.
- (whispering): No.
No, not a chance.
- That's a very bad idea.
- Please don't do that.
- No! - Barry, no.
Barry? Barry? - Stop! - Barry? - Don't! - Very bad idea.
- Barry, no.
No, Barry.
- No.
Barry.
- No Barry! - Stop it! - No! - Shh.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Grab the remote.
We'll get another one! Oh, Mr.
Moneybags.
Who are you, Jimmy Buffet? - You mean Warren Buffet.
- No, Jimmy.
This dude's got platinum albums, two restaurant chains, a tequila company.
Look, I'll get the remote! (floorboards creaking) (snoring continues) Is this the one for the TV or? They're awake! Go! Let's go! Why the hell you bring this small-ass ride?! Go, go, go, go! - I'm not in the car! - Go, go, go, go! (panting) (tires screeching) (engine revving) Get in.
Hi, Gracie.
(grunting) - COOPER: Mission accomplished, right? - (man yells) Wrong.
This is not the television I bought you.
You can put it down, sweetie.
I'm gonna make us a shake.
Your girlfriend scares us, Neal.
I know.
I don't care how much she benches, I'm definitely breaking up with her tonight.
JOSH: Hey, guys.
Can we focus up here, please? You stole a television from those scary UFC guys.
Wrong! How can he be wrong, Barry? It's not even the same brand! Oh, okay.
So you're telling me that those guys didn't steal a TV and swap out the labels, knowing that if I found the TV and brought it back, we wouldn't be having this exact conversation? Come on, y'all, think! We got to be like the TV.
We got to be smart! COOPER: Classic Lovable Jackass.
(crowd cheering) (cheering continues) Here's to you being unsuccessful in personal relationships.
You're just glad I broke up with my boyfriend, because it means you get to go to the Clippers games with me.
You know what? Telling him you're going to Brussels for a month to study tennis elbow is not technically breaking up.
Wow.
Okay, this from a man who was supposed to leave his job at Tiger Throb, like, a year and a half ago.
It's Tiger Thrust, and I'll have you know, I may be starting my own business.
What? Josh found some investors for Barry's hangover cure.
Cooper, that's great! No, no, no, 'cause I probably won't do it.
Most start-ups fail, and (crowd cheering) - Yeah! - Look, I know we don't say a lot of nice things to each other, but here goes.
You have more potential than anyone I've ever met.
What have you done with my friend? You're being an idiot.
- There she is.
- This is an amazing opportunity.
Don't be afraid to take it.
I like you when you're sincere.
Oh, good.
Because I just died a little inside.
- (chuckles) - (arena horn blows) Let's go, Clippers! (cheering) Brand-new spirit, speak and it's done Woke up on the side of the bed like I won Talk like a winner, my chest to that sun G5 dealer, U.
S.
to Taiwan Now who can say that, I want a playback Mama knew I was a needle in a haystack - A Bugatti boy, plus Maybach - (both laughing) I got a feeling it's a wrap, ASAP Oh, sometimes I get a good feeling CROWD (chanting): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! (chanting continues) I get a feeling that I've never No.
No.
No, no, I get a good feeling, yeah (crowd cheering) Oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah COOPER: And if you unexpectedly share a great kiss with a close friend, try not to say this: I got to take a leak.
I get a good feeling I know, I know.
Not my finest moment.
I just wanted to take a second to pull myself together.
Would you mind washing your hands before you punch me? (grunts) (phone ringing) And now we're all caught up.
Hola.
What happens next? I Your guess is as good as mine.
(tires screeching) Whoa.
Those dudes looked a lot smaller in the dark.
(grunting) - COOPER: Suckers! - That's a bad idea.
JOSH: Gentlemen this is a brand-new, top-of-the-line, 1080p, 4K, HD, 64-inch plasma television.
It's 3D ready, has a 600-hertz refresh rate, gesture controls and a built-in camera so you can interact with streaming content on the Web.
3D? Yeah, I already said it was 3D.
That was, like, the first thing I said.
Sorry, you say too many things.
Now can I get my brother back? (sighs) (laughs) Okay.
Well, if nobody else is gonna say anything, I will.
Take a look around at what happened here.
Maybe in the future, you could think to act a little more responsibly so your friends won't have to clean up your mess.
COOPER: And when your Jackass finally takes things too far, your response has to be handled just right.
Jackass! (grunting) Hey, hey! We wound up in this mess, I was kidnapped, because you put yourself in charge of something a grown person should not put themselves in charge of! It was a TV! Now, now, fellas, don't make me come back there.
(grunts) - (horn blaring) - No! No, no! No! (all screaming) - COOPER: Josh! - Wake up! Hey! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Wake up! Please! (shouting, screaming) (tires screech) (panting) The hell is wrong with you? Ah I loved that TV.
It was a 64-inch flat-screen, Barry! We all loved it! No, you don't understand, man.
The second Josh brought that in here, all I seen was the four of us spending time together.
That TV was a giant future memory box to me.
Somebody tried to take that away from us, and I wasn't okay with that 'cause I love you guys.
I love how we live together, how we help each other out, and I wanted those memories, because (sighs) I know it ain't always gonna be like this.
If I hurt you guys, I'm really sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
It's okay, Barry, just don't do it again.
BARRY: Never.
I mean, unless you guys want me to.
COOPER: We'll never want you to.
BARRY: You can call me, - "Barry, we need some help.
" - COOPER: Barry.
Barry.
Barry BARRY: I'm like the Ghostbusters.
JOSH: Okay.
Thanks, dude.
All right.
COOPER: Okay, so what have we learned? Never leave your Jackass unattended, pay attention to the warning signs, and never take off running while you still have a hood over your head.
You need to figure out your business.
Those investors aren't gonna wait forever.
I will.
Oh, you and your friends are exhausting.
I'm gonna go home to my wife and kids.
- Unless you want to get into something.
- I don't think so.
All right.
Okay.
Love you, brother.
One last thing: don't be afraid to take chances at this time in your life.
I got kidnapped.
That went a lot better than I thought it would.
(door opens) It wasn't working out with Neal.
Believe me, been there, done that But every day above ground is a great day Hey, it's Cooper.
Yeah, I won't be coming in to work tomorrow.
Or ever.
An opportunity's come up.
She's gone - (pig snorting) - Yeah, she's gone She's gone, baby, she's gone She's gone.
BARRY: You ever wonder who took our TV? (roaring, gunfire) (laughing) Jackasses.