Cooper's Bar (2022) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1
Cooper: This L.A. is like
a wildlife series.
I got skunks, coyotes, cats
banging under my house.
At least somebody
is getting laid.
I wish I lived
in a civilized city.
Yeah, but how many pirates
are they casting
out of Buffalo, Coop?
You got to be here.
I'm done busting my ass.
Yesterday, I had my first
audition in four months.
I drove two hours across town
to say three lines.
By the time I got back
to my car,
I was told they're going
in a different direction.
You know what direction
I'm going?
Back to Buffalo
to open a bar.
Open it here.
Why?
So you could drink
all the profits?
Yeah, but when
I sell my pitch
"When I sell my pitch."
I'm telling you Brandon!
No one wants to see
a Christian zombie movie.
"Army of the Unwanted"
is more like
a spiritual thriller.
It has a message.
Well, if that's the only offer
on the table,
I'd rather grow a man bun
and work at a co-op.
Did you find
everything alright?
That's actually
very healthy.
Mary: Cooper!
Jesus Christ.
David is gonna be here
in four minutes.
You can't even
take out the trash?
Clean up for David?
Why?
You told me he was bringing
what's his name from the studio.
Kris.
Kris Latimer.
When has David ever come
through on anything?
He came through on an eighth
of Kush last night.
This shit
is super strong.
Maybe that's why
I don't feel so good today.
What if he does show up, Coop?
You're never gonna work again
if he thinks
you are a degenerate snob.
David wants me to pitch
this place
to Kris Latimer
as a TV show
"Cooper's Bar."
Nobody's gonna buy that.
With me in it.
Doing what?
Acting.
I'm an actor.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway
this Kris Latimer
is one of the biggest dicks
in Hollywood.
He'd never come here.
You ever met him?
Hell, no.
He's some dweeb from Seattle.
Yeah. Tech guy thinks
he could run a studio.
No, thanks. David met him
at Armenian boot camp.
Are they all Armenian?
No!
What? Are you
That's a little racist.
Anyway, this Kris Latimer
is never gonna hire me.
They'll They'll give it
to a name
or, uh, Danny DeVito.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Go easy on that, man.
Why are you so worried
about being recast
in an imaginary show
anyway?
Kris Latimer
is not coming.
No, he is not.
Yeah.
No. What?
I don't know why
it's called a Dandie.
I just know
it's a vegan marshmallow.
Okay?
Hey!
No, you need to get them by EOD
because Sybil's coming over
to play with my daughter
this weekend.
And Sybil's father is the most
important director in Hollywood,
and Sybil's father told Sybil
that she's a vegan.
So now we have to accept
that as a fact, right?
Can you stop crying
and just do your job?
It's not that har
Alright, hang on.
No, no, no, no. I got another
call coming through.
I got to take it.
Hi.
No, but I am going
into a meeting
with Amy Schumer right now.
- Get off the goddamn phone.
- Hang on.
I think
I just found the valet.
I could not find you anywhere.
I had to self-park.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
You moved my garbage can,
and now my trash
won't be picked up.
Okay, back off, bitch.
No, just some crazy person.
No, listen. No, the Amy thing
all happened last
Oh, holy shi-i-t!
Go ahead. I'm listening.
Yeah, her agents told me.
Right, I know.
Yeah, but No, well
Well, Amy Schumer's agent
said
Hang on.
I will read it to you.
"She wants to play a total loser
who thinks they're cool."
Yeah, I know we don't have that.
I cannot find this place.
I'm just gonna tell her
that we have it.
Alright. I'll call you after.
Jesus, I cannot believe
I just climbed over a recliner
in the street.
I think I got HPV.
Sorry.
Is this, uh, Cooper's Bar?
Hell yeah.
This is Cooper's Bar.
Why don't you let me
pour you a goblet
o' Cabernet?
Oh, hell yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
This place is, uh,
amazing.
Thank you.
My grandfather,
father and myself,
all bartenders in Buffalo.
So I built this place.
Mmm.
You have so much stuff.
I'm here every night.
That's one thing I'd like
to get rid of.
Oh. One of your neighbors
is a real crazy bitch.
Well, that's L.A. You get
a designated asshole per street.
It's not gender specific.
Cheers to that.
Yeah.
So where's
you know who?
Kris Latimer? Yeah.
He ain't coming. What?
I'm I'm sorry.
You are?
Come on. Fuck off.
Where's Amy Schumer?
That woman called me a bitch.
Oh, that is the crazy asshole
I told you about.
Kris Latimer
and Cooper Marino!
I knew you'd hit it off.
David.
Kris Latimer?
Yes!
Oh, sorry.
We didn't realize That you'd have titties.
Wait.
Who is Cooper Marino?
Kris Latimer.
Hey!
Hey! Hey.
I thought you said
Kris Latimer
was the biggest dick
in Hollywood.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I have the biggest dick
in Hollywood.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We just didn't believe
David could get a real exec
like yourself
to show up at my bar
Yard to pitch our show.
David, you told me
we were meeting Amy Schumer.
We are?
Oh, yeah.
She's here
practically every night.
Isn't that right,
Mary Poppins?
Well, yeah. Oh, David. Come on.
I saw her once getting coffee
in our neighborhood.
- Alright, I'm out of here.
- Kris, please.
J-J-Just 5 minutes.
I mean, Cooper's great.
This bar is amazing.
I can't feel my eyelids.
Just sit down,
and Cooper is gonna give you
the whole pitch.
David: Pitch.
Me?
Well, I
I got this.
No.
I got it. Brandon, please.
It's called "Army
of the Unwanted."
It's a Christian
zombie-vampire movie.
Oh, God. About all
the aborted souls
of the babies
who returned to Earth
seeking their revenge.
Alright.
David fuck you.
Wait, wait.
Hold on a sec.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
Cooper: Oh, shit.
David, call 911.
Cooper, do chest compressions.
Kris, count the compressions.
His chest is like
a garbage can.
Oh, God. Just move.
Oh, wait. He's just
regained consciousness.
Hang on.
Brandon, you okay?
Actually, don't come.
He's fine.
Gosh, that was brilliant!
I think that's
how I'm gonna end
the first episode
of "Cooper's Bar."
I got to do damage control.
Amy Schumer.
Don't you see it?
It's this place.
These people on the show,
on the telly.
A show about a bunch of total
losers who think they're cool?
Really?
What? What? Wait.
What pitch is that?
It's our pitch.
It's "Cooper's Bar."
Yeah. Yeah, that might work.
I mean, it's sure as shit better
than his Mike Pence
baby zombies crap, right?
I was high.
Lots of people are high,
and no one else is pitching
steaming piles of shit.
Okay?
you three, call my office.
Set something up.
I got to fly.
It's like the Bills/Oilers game
all over again.
It's the greatest comeback
since the comeback!
Oh, shit.
Cooper: This L.A. is like
a wildlife series.
I got skunks, coyotes, cats
banging under my house.
At least somebody
is getting laid.
I wish I lived
in a civilized city.
Yeah, but how many pirates
are they casting
out of Buffalo, Coop?
You got to be here.
I'm done busting my ass.
Yesterday, I had my first
audition in four months.
I drove two hours across town
to say three lines.
By the time I got back
to my car,
I was told they're going
in a different direction.
You know what direction
I'm going?
Back to Buffalo
to open a bar.
Open it here.
Why?
So you could drink
all the profits?
Yeah, but when
I sell my pitch
"When I sell my pitch."
I'm telling you Brandon!
No one wants to see
a Christian zombie movie.
"Army of the Unwanted"
is more like
a spiritual thriller.
It has a message.
Well, if that's the only offer
on the table,
I'd rather grow a man bun
and work at a co-op.
Did you find
everything alright?
That's actually
very healthy.
Mary: Cooper!
Jesus Christ.
David is gonna be here
in four minutes.
You can't even
take out the trash?
Clean up for David?
Why?
You told me he was bringing
what's his name from the studio.
Kris.
Kris Latimer.
When has David ever come
through on anything?
He came through on an eighth
of Kush last night.
This shit
is super strong.
Maybe that's why
I don't feel so good today.
What if he does show up, Coop?
You're never gonna work again
if he thinks
you are a degenerate snob.
David wants me to pitch
this place
to Kris Latimer
as a TV show
"Cooper's Bar."
Nobody's gonna buy that.
With me in it.
Doing what?
Acting.
I'm an actor.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway
this Kris Latimer
is one of the biggest dicks
in Hollywood.
He'd never come here.
You ever met him?
Hell, no.
He's some dweeb from Seattle.
Yeah. Tech guy thinks
he could run a studio.
No, thanks. David met him
at Armenian boot camp.
Are they all Armenian?
No!
What? Are you
That's a little racist.
Anyway, this Kris Latimer
is never gonna hire me.
They'll They'll give it
to a name
or, uh, Danny DeVito.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Go easy on that, man.
Why are you so worried
about being recast
in an imaginary show
anyway?
Kris Latimer
is not coming.
No, he is not.
Yeah.
No. What?
I don't know why
it's called a Dandie.
I just know
it's a vegan marshmallow.
Okay?
Hey!
No, you need to get them by EOD
because Sybil's coming over
to play with my daughter
this weekend.
And Sybil's father is the most
important director in Hollywood,
and Sybil's father told Sybil
that she's a vegan.
So now we have to accept
that as a fact, right?
Can you stop crying
and just do your job?
It's not that har
Alright, hang on.
No, no, no, no. I got another
call coming through.
I got to take it.
Hi.
No, but I am going
into a meeting
with Amy Schumer right now.
- Get off the goddamn phone.
- Hang on.
I think
I just found the valet.
I could not find you anywhere.
I had to self-park.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
You moved my garbage can,
and now my trash
won't be picked up.
Okay, back off, bitch.
No, just some crazy person.
No, listen. No, the Amy thing
all happened last
Oh, holy shi-i-t!
Go ahead. I'm listening.
Yeah, her agents told me.
Right, I know.
Yeah, but No, well
Well, Amy Schumer's agent
said
Hang on.
I will read it to you.
"She wants to play a total loser
who thinks they're cool."
Yeah, I know we don't have that.
I cannot find this place.
I'm just gonna tell her
that we have it.
Alright. I'll call you after.
Jesus, I cannot believe
I just climbed over a recliner
in the street.
I think I got HPV.
Sorry.
Is this, uh, Cooper's Bar?
Hell yeah.
This is Cooper's Bar.
Why don't you let me
pour you a goblet
o' Cabernet?
Oh, hell yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
This place is, uh,
amazing.
Thank you.
My grandfather,
father and myself,
all bartenders in Buffalo.
So I built this place.
Mmm.
You have so much stuff.
I'm here every night.
That's one thing I'd like
to get rid of.
Oh. One of your neighbors
is a real crazy bitch.
Well, that's L.A. You get
a designated asshole per street.
It's not gender specific.
Cheers to that.
Yeah.
So where's
you know who?
Kris Latimer? Yeah.
He ain't coming. What?
I'm I'm sorry.
You are?
Come on. Fuck off.
Where's Amy Schumer?
That woman called me a bitch.
Oh, that is the crazy asshole
I told you about.
Kris Latimer
and Cooper Marino!
I knew you'd hit it off.
David.
Kris Latimer?
Yes!
Oh, sorry.
We didn't realize That you'd have titties.
Wait.
Who is Cooper Marino?
Kris Latimer.
Hey!
Hey! Hey.
I thought you said
Kris Latimer
was the biggest dick
in Hollywood.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I have the biggest dick
in Hollywood.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We just didn't believe
David could get a real exec
like yourself
to show up at my bar
Yard to pitch our show.
David, you told me
we were meeting Amy Schumer.
We are?
Oh, yeah.
She's here
practically every night.
Isn't that right,
Mary Poppins?
Well, yeah. Oh, David. Come on.
I saw her once getting coffee
in our neighborhood.
- Alright, I'm out of here.
- Kris, please.
J-J-Just 5 minutes.
I mean, Cooper's great.
This bar is amazing.
I can't feel my eyelids.
Just sit down,
and Cooper is gonna give you
the whole pitch.
David: Pitch.
Me?
Well, I
I got this.
No.
I got it. Brandon, please.
It's called "Army
of the Unwanted."
It's a Christian
zombie-vampire movie.
Oh, God. About all
the aborted souls
of the babies
who returned to Earth
seeking their revenge.
Alright.
David fuck you.
Wait, wait.
Hold on a sec.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
Cooper: Oh, shit.
David, call 911.
Cooper, do chest compressions.
Kris, count the compressions.
His chest is like
a garbage can.
Oh, God. Just move.
Oh, wait. He's just
regained consciousness.
Hang on.
Brandon, you okay?
Actually, don't come.
He's fine.
Gosh, that was brilliant!
I think that's
how I'm gonna end
the first episode
of "Cooper's Bar."
I got to do damage control.
Amy Schumer.
Don't you see it?
It's this place.
These people on the show,
on the telly.
A show about a bunch of total
losers who think they're cool?
Really?
What? What? Wait.
What pitch is that?
It's our pitch.
It's "Cooper's Bar."
Yeah. Yeah, that might work.
I mean, it's sure as shit better
than his Mike Pence
baby zombies crap, right?
I was high.
Lots of people are high,
and no one else is pitching
steaming piles of shit.
Okay?
you three, call my office.
Set something up.
I got to fly.
It's like the Bills/Oilers game
all over again.
It's the greatest comeback
since the comeback!
Oh, shit.