Crashing (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Can you not? I'm surprising someone in London Someone needs an orgasm.
Stop being anal, Kate.
It's just a party.
- Please.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes! - No! - It's my birthday.
We are not allowed parties.
We will get kicked out.
All right, how is not wanting to be homeless anal? Just a small little gathering.
You can invite Jessica for my sex.
I don't want work people seeing where I live, thanks.
They'll think I'm a squatter.
Look, the whole point of living in a disused hospital is to get a girl on a slab.
No, Sam, it's to save money for a deposit on an actual house.
Oh, yeah, as if that's what we're all doing here.
Come on, Kate.
I'll go down on you.
Don't go down on my fiance.
The pigeon's in the shower again.
- It's nice to know he's looking after himself.
- Just throw it over him.
- It's not moving and it's looking right at me.
- I'll go.
Oh, my God! I'm going to have to say it.
He's going to say something terrible.
It's my first birthday since my dad died.
There, said it.
- What's this? - He wants a party.
No-one should have to go around carrying this much grief and this much semen.
Something bad is bound to happen.
You're unbelievable.
I'm an orphan.
- You have a mum.
- She lives south of the river.
Compliment her again and she'll do it.
You've got really fit hair.
I'm going to be late.
- We're organising a massive treasure hunt today for a shoe shop.
- Mm.
- Maybe we could do something like that.
- Oh, you're an angel! - The pigeon puffs up when it's angry.
- I know, baby.
- You're my hero.
Er, Melody, when you want me, I am all yours.
Come on, one poke.
Melody, what have I got to do? - Really? - Yeah.
- Drug me.
- Wow.
- And then never tell me.
- Wow.
Really? - Yeah.
'Ladies and gentlemen, this bus will be terminating 'at London Victoria in approximately 15 minutes.
' What the fuck?! - This place is amazing.
- I know, it's brilliant.
Thanks for taking me.
Forgive me, Kate.
It appears you live in a hospital.
Please don't tell anyone at work.
I'm not a squatter, OK? I do pay.
Me and Anthony are just saving for the wedding and - I'm just not a squatter.
- No, no.
Congratulations, by the way.
He cooks a mean curry.
Oh! Thanks! I still get coy when he takes his shirt off.
What was your wedding like? Where are you staying while your divorce wraps up? Um Still on the sofa.
Cara's moved him in now.
It's, er, a little awkward in the mornings, but they're usually in bed by the time I get back, which is a small mercy, I suppose.
Oh, God, Colin! There's a spare ward going here if you need the space.
Thank you.
I'll think about it.
Melody! This is Crying Colin from work Colin from work.
He's thinking about moving into the spare ward.
- Are you poor? - Um, no.
Just Lonely? - Well, I'm going through a divorce.
- So both.
I suppose so, yes.
Do you enjoy living here? Well, you're not allowed to have parties, cook meals, light candles, have sex, express emotion, claim any rights, argue if they want to throw you out with only two days' notice, or smoke.
It's a riot.
Gosh.
Happy birthday, dude.
Ahh! Mmm! Stop.
Stop it! Stop it.
OK, OK, everybody, everybody! Line up for the treasure hunt.
There are clues on every floor of the hospital.
Do not change your partner once you've been allocated one, OK? - It's going to be - Anal! - .
.
super fun.
Right.
Purnima and - Sam! - .
.
Harry.
- Jessica, Jessica, Jessica - Jessica and Sam! that unbelievably hot guy.
What? Who even is that? Who brought that? Kate, mate, digging the squat.
It's not a squat.
- Melody and - Sam! Colin.
Anthony and - Lulu? - .
.
me! No fucking way! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What are you doing here? Look at your stupid face.
Oh, my God, don't say anything! Oh, my God, you have to meet Kate! Kate, this is This is Lulu.
- My Lulu.
- Wow! Lulu! - Lulu! Oh, it's so great to finally meet you.
- You, too.
Is that a ukulele? Wow, quirky! Yeah, thanks.
I try really hard.
You must be the brilliant Kate.
My God! - Ohh! - Wow, you are gorgeous.
What are you doing with this shitbag? Oh, just You know, just Just - She totally loves me.
- No, I don't! - You don't? - No, I do.
A lot.
I love him so much, I could die.
- Mwah! - So you're here! Yeah! Fucking look at you! I've missed you so much.
Hey! Sugar-tits.
OK, no, don't speak to him.
I grew up with her.
She is Red Zone.
She's basically my sister.
You guys look really similar.
- Yeah, I guess we - No, I don't think so.
- So, I'm Sam and I am amazing.
- He's a pervert.
This is Melody.
She's a hot frog.
- She's a teacher.
- I'm an artist.
And you've met Kate.
She's really anal.
I am not anal.
- Do you all live here? - We're not friends.
We just share a floor.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, I dunno.
I've just got to find somewhere to live and then I'm just going to be completely on top of this one.
- Can I dump my stuff? - Sure, yeah.
I'll show you round the wards.
- I'm about to start the treasure hunt.
- We'll just be a couple of secs.
"Sex"! OK, OK.
Sam and Fred.
- Fred? Who's she? - HE lives with us, you moron.
Hi.
Ohh Oh, Jesus.
Josh and Vicky.
OK, babycakes, your penis is a bit of a problem for me.
We're going to have to forget that exists while we do this, capisce? - Capisce.
- That's my girl.
OK, everybody, let the Let the treasure hunt commence! What are you doing here, Lu? - Ah, I missed you.
- Yeah, and? Steven kicked me out, so I left town, did a bit of travelling.
What? Where did you go? Mainly the Midlands, but I spent a bit of time in Bristol, which was really intense.
Out the way, out the way.
Hey, Lulu-licious, do you want to, er, swap partners? No way.
You two are perfect for each other.
- Ooh, you're cheeky.
I like that.
- Red Zone? - He's hot.
- No, he's not.
So, this is new.
Yeah, it's my uku-Lulu.
Can you play? Even though I know I'm not a lesbian for sure I sometimes look up lesbian porn And it really, really, really gets me off.
Yes! Er, homeless people.
I sometimes feel bad if they have scabs on their faces - Oh! - What? - I think my tampon just came out a bit.
Er, can I do anything? - Yeah, actually, if you could just - Wow, OK.
- I was joking! - Thank God! - What were you going to do? - Help you.
I don't know! Eugh.
- Hey You would love my vagina.
She really went for it.
Wow! - Boom.
Big one.
Lift me, princess.
- OK! Brilliant.
This is so much fun.
Hey, we have actually met before, in the laundry room when you were stealing that girl's - Oh, shit-fit.
"The envelopes on the ceiling all contain X-rays with the letters of the alphabet hidden in them.
"Find all the letters and they will make up the name of the room the prize is in.
" She is so fucking anal.
I love her.
Let's go.
- Vault me, vault me! - Yes, I will! Ah! W! - Vault me again, vault me again.
- Yeah! So I guess go for it.
- Could I just double check the clue? - No.
She wouldn't have hidden anything in a toilet.
She's not that kind of person.
Trust me, I work for her.
Let her surprise you.
It's the most attractive thing a person can do.
So rare to be surprised.
Oh, God.
Oh, putain.
I can't believe you just did that! Neither can I.
I can't feel a clue.
Found it.
The main rule about truth songs is just to sing with abandon.
Just let go of whatever you're afraid of admitting to yourself.
Yeah, I really get it.
I really get how it's about being who you need to want to be, in a world where needing to be someone is more about being who you think you need to be, when really, what we all just need to do is sing man.
- You're taking the piss.
- I'm taking the piss, yeah.
- Wow! You really can't drop it, can you? - You really can't take a joke, can you? - Look at you.
- You get so edgy.
- I get? Shouldn't you be rubbing up against someone downstairs by now? - Say one thing sincerely, I dare you.
- You flirt with me too much.
I'm afraid you have to sing it, or it doesn't count.
- I'll play.
- No.
You sing, I'll play.
Do you really think I flirt with you too much? Do you wish I didn't? - Hey! - Hi.
- Hey.
- What are you doing? We're just having a singsong.
Come join us.
Oh! No.
Singing's not really my thing.
Sorry, baby, we're just catching up.
Yeah, no, you haven't seen each other for ages.
Hey, it's all getting a bit heated between Jess And that unbelievably hot guy.
- His name is - Don't ruin it.
Come on, we've missed enough of this brilliant treasure-hunt bonanza.
- Who's my partner, baby? - No! Stay.
Catch up.
It's fine.
Too many people anyway.
Hm! Push harder! Push harder! Mate, you smell like lychees.
D'you eat a lot of lychees? Stop making me laugh! Oh, what the fuck?! Heeey! Wow, you two look cosy.
I was going to fuck you.
Excuse me?! I was going to fuck you.
Oh shit! Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry, I guess in that case I should, I should probably You OK? Stop trying to bum me! - Excuse me?! - Fucking bender! That is not nice.
Yeah, well neither is being sexually assaulted by a surprise flatmate.
I don't think you're very happy, mate.
- Don't say "mate".
- You say "babe".
I'm an estate agent.
I'm meant to sound like a twat.
What's your excuse? Won't Kate be wondering what you're doing? She'll just assume I'm smoking.
Fiver says she sniffs my breath when we go down.
- Supportive(!) - It's OK.
I'll say you were my witness.
Fiver says she'll sniff your cock if you tell her that.
- God! - Sorry! But she might as well have weed on you down there! Don't, OK? Sometimes you just take it too far, Lulu.
She'd be well within her rights to be paranoid the way you behaved downstairs.
We both know there's nothing between us, but I won't have you taking the piss out of her, all right? Fuck sake! I mean, you really, really fell for that hook, line and sinker.
Oh, my God! You dick! I can't believe you still get me! I'm sorry but your face was hilarious! Diabetic? That's intense.
- What made you think I was gay? - You are so gay.
You don't know me at all.
I know when one jumps on my back.
You are so inappropriate! And you told me to do that! Are you gay? Are you? You're so gay.
I heard about your Dad.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Mine died too.
I was much younger but Hurts, yeah.
Yeah.
(Yeah.
Yeah.
Right, come on treacle, let's go.
Let's win this thing.
Wanking room! How does she know about my wanking room? - Waiting room? - WAITING ROOM! You are a genius.
I'm sorry I flirt with you too much.
I'm allowed to fancy you though, doesn't count.
Do you though? Nah.
Used to though.
You can cling to that.
- What's going on here? - What do you mean? Now, come on.
We have never been more sober in our lives.
I'm trying to be an adult now, OK? I actually want to know how you feel about me.
I don't care about the shit-storm it could cause.
I don't care about Kate, I mean, I think she's probably a lesbian anyway.
I just need you to admit you don't just flirt with me for kicks.
OK.
Just so I know that I'm not crazy.
Fuck off! Can you drop it please? Just for a second.
- You're making me nervous.
- Sit down.
Why do you do it? - Power? - Yeah.
But you would never actually kiss me? I've been trying since we were 14, baby.
Bullshit.
Kiss me, then.
Tease! Coming from you! - You kiss me.
- You kiss me.
- You kiss me.
- You kiss me.
Lu, you're kissing me.
I know.
Woah, woah, woah! You just won't lose, will you?! - You actually kissed me.
- Yeah, that was - You don't actually think Kate is a lesbian, do you? - No! OK.
Oh, my God.
Lu? - I'm such a dick.
- I didn't think in a million years you'd Lu? Do you? - It's OK, it's fine, - I know you can't You're serious? Lu, I've been in love with you I'm joking, you dick! Oh right.
Course.
Touche! Me too.
- Me too.
- Me too.
Good.
I should probably go and sort this tampon out now.
Yeah.
Good.
I am not going on a date with you.
- Why not? - You'll eat me alive.
Maybe.
You might like it.
If we don't try we'll never know.
Don't be a scaredy-cunt.
Oh, that is a horrible word.
That is my favourite word.
Say it, cunt, and let's get dinner.
Cunt! Oh, God protect me.
Magnifique.
The prize is in the waiting room! Shut that pretty mouth, baby.
Let's go.
Hey guys! Tequila! I am fun! Don't be a scaredy-cunt.
I am not anal! - Baby - You say I am not anal! You are not anal.
And don't think I don't know that because I make all the fun, I can't have any of the fun because I always know where the prize is! I'm the fun one, OK? In here, it's all crazy crazy in here! Whoo! Look at me! I am out of control! Woah! Sorry.
I'm a dick.
It's OK.
I know it's because you're sad, but we are here.
Thank you for my party.
Where's the prize? (It's in the incubator!) Come here, pumpkin.
Yeeaaah! Winner, winner! Where's my baby gurl? This is for you! Argh! Argh! That was horrible! Head forward, pinch the top.
And who's this guy? - He's mine.
- Really?! Thank you.
He's unbelievably hot.
See you on Monday.
Slut! D'accord.
Bon soir.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday! I've had such a lovely night.
So nice to hang out with If I throw up in my bed, I'm gonna sleep in yours, OK? OK.
- I am going to be sick.
- Yeah? And then I am going to be so anal with you.
Whooo! Welcome to the family, Lu.
Oh, yeah, I think I'm just gonna find somewhere else to No.
No! You are staying here.
Because, you are special to him, so you're special on me.
- Yeah, I think it might be weird.
- Why would it be weird? - It wouldn't be weird.
- It wouldn't be.
Good! Goooooood.
- Thanks, Kate.
- Pffffft! I'm chill.
So that's cool that Yeah, it's gonna be - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, cool.
- Cool.
Why are you being weird? He calls her my Lulu.
That's so hot.
Which bit do I pick up when it rings? Sorry, is this a joke? - Hello, Colin.
- Bad! I think you should live with me.
I think you would like being painted.
I'll be generous with your penis.
Hey guys, great work.
Fred, I need to ask you to step outside.
Where are we going? Aaaaargh!