Creamerie (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
(men cheering)
I see trees of green ♪
Red roses too ♪
I see them bloom ♪
For me and you ♪
And I think to myself ♪
What a wonderful world ♪
I see skies of blue ♪
Clouds of white ♪
A bright blessed day ♪
And dark sacred night ♪
And I think to myself ♪
What a wonderful world ♪
The colors of the rainbow ♪
So pretty in the sky ♪
Are also on the faces ♪
Of people going by ♪
I see friends shaking hands ♪
Saying how do you do ♪
They're really
saying I love you ♪
I hear babies cry ♪
I watch them grow ♪
They'll learn much more ♪
Than I'll ever know ♪
And I think to myself ♪
What a wonderful world ♪
What a wonderful world ♪
(audience applauding)
‐ Great.
‐ Cry harder kid,
shit's gonna get worse.
‐ Why are you like this?
‐ Why aren't you like this?
What the fuck is that,
grass and shit stew?
‐ Hey, give it back!
‐ Guys.
‐ Nah.
‐ We don't say guys anymore,
Jaime, it's triggering.
‐ Guys is a trigger word now?
‐ Alex, look, just
leave Pip alone.
‐ No, Jamie, didn't you hear?
Wellness has fixed everything
with trigger words.
‐ She said shush, Lane is here.
(audience cheering)
‐ Women of Hiro Valley, sisters,
survivors.
Eight years ago today, the
virus took all the world's men.
Our fathers, brothers,
friends, our lovers, our sons.
Our hearts are forever scarred,
but the time for
harking back is over.
‐ [Crowd] Yes.
‐ In eight years,
look what we built.
‐ [Crowd] Yes.
‐ Education, healthcare for all.
Menstruation leave, mandatory.
(audience applauding)
The virus may have
taken our men,
but it will not
take our potential.
‐ [Crowd] Yes.
Carpe Futurum
‐ Thanks to the
goddess, we have seed.
Are we not blessed?
‐ Yes!
‐ Well
‐ Does our past
trauma make us weak?
‐ No!
‐ [Alex] Gullible, yes.
‐ Shut up!
‐ Alex, come on.
We are going.
‐ One day through wellness,
we will overcome this
virus and truly create
a brave new world!
(crowd gasping)
‐ That's not mine, it's not.
‐ Be your best, be free.
(audience applauding)
‐ Oh, shit, no, no, no, no.
‐ Ow!
‐ Wow,
these are new, so uplifting.
The fonts are shit.
‐ Assault of the mayor
is a blissable offense.
‐ Oh, I am so sorry, Cunstable.
‐ Don't call me that.
‐ What, Cunstable?
‐ Do you ever get sick of this?
You miserable little shit.
‐ I'm constantly sick of
this, you power drunk asshole.
‐ Seventh time lucky,
two, three, four, two
‐ Without further a do, the
winter re‐population draw!
(audience applauding)
Three, two, zero, zero.
(audience clapping)
A seed could not
find a finer garden.
‐ [Crowd] Yes.
‐ Two, three, four, two.
(crowd clapping)
‐ Two, three, four, two.
(audience clapping)
‐ Hey
‐ What's up?
‐ I was thinking,
do you think maybe sometime
we can go away for a, weekend
‐ Sorry, but you have
the biggest blackhead
on the side of your nose.
‐ Why do you do that?
‐ Do what?
‐ Twist the moment.
(door pounding)
‐ [Security] What's going
on? Why is the door locked?
‐ Security purposes.
What do you want?
‐ [Security] Why is
it taking so long?
‐ I'll be done in a minute.
‐ Done giving me off or done
shooting me in the head?
How's that for
twisting the moment?
‐ Jesus.
‐ Unless you want to
know and say we did.
‐ You know I can't do that.
‐ So stop dangling
dirty weekends
like we're normal people
and get on with it.
What gets you wetter?
Me or that gun?
‐ This is fucked.
‐ That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
‐ Us. Us is fucked.
‐ Release the semen slowly.
‐ I am doing it slowly.
‐ Five potato, four potato
‐ Three potato, two
potato, one potato.
‐ Don't pull it out so fast.
Slowly, slowly.
(cow moos)
Nice, see? Happy days.
Your first insemination.
Pat yourself on the back.
Oh, c'mon, you created life.
You're like a God
‐ Dess, goddess.
‐ Oh, here we go.
‐ Constance. Thank you so much.
Um I just want to talk about
‐ Hey guys. Ow.
‐ Oh, easy.
‐ I am easy.
‐ Constance is easy
with her tongue.
‐ No I'm not.
‐ No driving, no
heavy lifting
‐ No sharp objects,
supervision and secured
sleeping arrangements
recommended while
blissed, we know. Duration?
‐ Five days.
Repeat offense.
‐ Excellent choice.
The best.
In regards to the evidence
‐ We'll talk later, okay?
‐ Okay.
‐ Uh, thanks. We can
take it from here.
‐ Constance, I just
wanted to say that,
even though it was my name
on the cup, the smoothie
assault was all Alex.
I would never do that to
Lane and I would never
waste a flaxseed and spinach.
Be your best, be free!
‐ I love your nose.
‐ Yup yup yup.
‐ No wonder Jackson
wanted to fuck you.
‐ Okay.
‐ Ooh, incest.
‐ She's my sister‐in‐law.
‐ Yeah. Incest.
‐ Okay. Can you just be useful
and give me a hand?
‐ You're a selfish
little turd burger,
aren't you?
Jeopardize Jamie's
chances at another baby.
You make us all look bad.
We'd be better off without you.
‐ Oh my god Pip.
‐ What? She can't
hear me or she can,
but you know,
lights on, no one home.
She won't remember,
she won't care anyway.
She hates me.
‐ Hate's a bit of a strong word.
‐ Alex is a strong turd burger.
‐ [Jamie] Goodnight.
‐ Goodnight.
‐ Sperm is precious.
Sperm is rare.
That's why we've established
the re‐population lottery.
A robust just process
for selecting success and
delivering a healthy future.
To keep our population stable,
our quarterly allocation
from the nation's pre‐virus
sperm banks is gifted
to our most viable
motherhood candidates.
Congratulations. You
just made the first step
in this wonderful journey.
Take a moment to acknowledge
your incredible good fortune
and radient power.
‐ Ow.
‐ Oh, sorry.
‐ First time?
‐ Fourth.
‐ Wow. You have four daughters?
‐ Oh no.
My number has come up
four times, but I just
I can't seem to get
past this next stage.
‐ There's another stage?
‐ Oh, your vulva. It's, I mean,
It's, it's, it's impressive.
‐ Thank you?
‐ Impressively healthy.
And I have seen my share.
So you've only had one
successful pregnancy?
‐ Yep.
‐ Just just one?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Nine years ago.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Okay.
So you understand and
agree that in participating
in the re‐population lottery,
there is a 50% possibility
of miscarriage.
‐ Yeah, it's fine.
The boy babies die.
I know, I've been through worse.
Like everyone.
‐ Yeah. Well, it's not really
a baby at that stage, anyway.
It's more like a little pink
piece of Y chromosome snot.
How are you weekly orgasms?
‐ Um, not great.
It's been on the back
burner, actually.
‐ Okay. Well get busy.
Come on, bring it up to
tri‐weekly if you can.
‐ Read this Alex.
This is me Alex, do what I say.
Go eat.
Okay.
No!
‐ [Doctor] Lane,
do you want quality
or do you want quantity?
‐ [Lane] I don't wanna
compromise on you.
An abundant future
is my top priority.
Is it yours?
‐ [Doctor] Yes, but if you do‐
what the heck?
‐ [Lane] What is that?
‐ Ow. Hello.
Sorry, I was just
doing the snacks
for the committee meeting.
Sorry, you guys, girls, women,
just continue as
if I weren't here.
‐ I'll talk to you soon.
‐ Okay.
‐ Philippa. Come.
‐ Actually, everyone
calls me Pip,
but you can call me
Phillipa, if you want.
You'd be the only one,
but that's fine too.
If you want to be the only one.
‐ Philly.
Do you know what
I love about you?
I love that
I can trust you to do the right
thing and keep confidences.
If there's anything you
want to talk to me about,
my door is open.
Michelle.
(women chattering)
‐ You can leave now Pip.
(spacey music)
‐ Could we um, I'm sorry,
Could we, um
‐ Jamie, you know the house ‐
‐ I won't tell anyone,
okay? I promise.
‐ I can't.
‐ Please.
Please.
‐ Hey Jamie.
‐ Hey Jackson.
‐ Hey.
‐ Is for horses.
‐ Tell me about your day.
‐ It was good.
‐ Tell me what you did.
‐ I milked the cows.
‐ Then what?
‐ I let them out.
‐ Yeah? Tell me more.
‐ Well, rain's been
scarce recently,
so I had to mix in some silage.
‐ Not the silage.
‐ Half silage half hay.
‐ Ask me about my day.
‐ How was your day?
‐ I'm gonna have another baby.
It's true.
We're gonna be a family again.
‐ Hello. Hello.
‐ Yes, hello.
‐ Where's Alex?
‐ I don't know.
I thought she was with you.
‐ No why would she
be with me I was
at the doctors.
‐ Well, I had a pressing
committee meeting.
I was in charge of catering.
‐ Okay. Alex! Al?
Shit.
‐ That's my good towel.
‐ Alex?
‐ Alex?
‐ This place, this
whole shitty place.
Look Ma, they blissed me again,
but I found a new way
to mess with them.
What do you care?
They permed you.
‐ She's not here.
I think we need to
get in the truck
and look for her.
‐ She would not look
this hard for us.
‐ What the fuck, Pip?
‐ What? People die in fridges
and freezers all the time.
‐ Have you thought about
what happens to you
if she does turn up dead?
They're not going to
promote someone who's left
her blissed to die.
Pip wait up!
Be careful, be
careful, be careful!
Ah help!
‐ What was that?
‐ Was that Alex?
Tell me that wasn't Alex.
‐ That wasn't Alex.
‐ Did you just kill Alex?
‐ No! It was a goat!
‐ It didn't sound like a goat!
We don't even have any goats.
‐ Alex?
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
‐ Don't be dead.
Please don't die.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
We need to get our
story straight.
We were both in the house
and I was making a delicious
and nutritious Callan,
pomegranate salad for dinner.
When we heard a screech
and a thump and, and I said,
Oh my goddess, what was that?
‐ The fuck is wrong with you?
‐ Quinoa and pomegranate?
‐ Vom, quinoa tastes
like grassy pubes.
Holy shit, who that?
‐ You, you, you, I thought‐‐
‐ What did you guys do?
‐ Iwe don't say guys anymore.
‐ It looks dead.
‐ Flip her over.
‐ You flip her over.
‐ Fucking pussies,
hey lady,
wakey wakey.
‐ It can't be. There aren't any.
‐ [Alex] It is.
‐ No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's one of those
fake stick on beards.
‐ [Alex] No stick on.
‐ They used glue.
‐ It's not glue dude.
‐ I'll be the judge of that.
They don't use dude anymore.
‐ Go ahead.
‐ I will.
‐ Be my guest.
‐ I would never be your guest
because you would
be a terrible host.
(all screaming)