Crossing Swords (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Festive music playing ♪
♪
Guys! Wait!
We're not allowed to be up here.
Mom and Dad said it's dangerous.
"Blah, blah, blah. Mom and Dad said,
Mom and Dad said!"
♪
Wow, I wonder what the king
is doing right now!
Probably being all wise and good
while he does, like, a million push‐ups.
Maybe he's watching us
through his telescope!
Whoa. You think?
Oh yeah! And he's all like,
"Why's that kid being such a pussy?"
(SIGHS)
PATRICK: They're beautiful!
The legend says every dragon nest
contains one egg of pure gold.
Pure gold?
I thought it was pure chocolate.
I heard it was
an egg full of gold coins,
but when you peel off the foil,
it's chocolate inside.
How would a dragon gestate
something that complicated
in its womb, you fucking idiot?
I'm not an idiot, Ruben!
Honestly, Blarney, I can't take you
seriously in that clown makeup.
Hey Coral, you know
I'm going to clown college.
Clowning is a "profession on the rise."
That's a quote directly
from Unemployed Clown magazine.
(GROANS) Let's hurry
before mama dragon comes home!
(GRUNTING)
No gold in this one.
Stop! This feels wrong!
(GRUNTING)
RUBEN: Aw, man. Nothing.
I don't want to do this anymore!
(GRUNTING)
I don't want the gold
if it means hurting the babies!
One egg left, Patrick.
Do it, Patrick.
I don't want to!
Ugh, you'll never get anywhere
in life following the rules!
We thought you were cool, dude.
Aah! Well, I hope
this is the golden one.
(GRUNTS) (SCREECHING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)
Aah! (GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING CONTINUES)
(GROWLING)
(ROARS)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARING) (SCREAMING)
She's mad for no reason! Run!
Stay away from my sheep,
you little bastards!
(SHEEP BLEATING)
(SCREAMING)
See ya, fucksticks!
(SCREAMS)
Whew!
(KITTENS MEOWING)
Well, shit.
(CORAL SCREAMS)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
That is the worst thing I've ever seen!
(MUFFLED SCREAMS)
(DRAGON SCREECHES)
I found him! Help me get him‐‐.
Good luck, man!
Remember! Don't be a pussy!
You're just gonna leave us behind?
You're the worst siblings ever!
CORAL: Sucks to be you!
We're in your life forever!
(ECHOING):
Forever! Forever! Forever!
(DRAGON ROARS)
Aah! No! (WHIMPERING)
(GRUNTS)
Here's your baby!
Please, punish me but spare my brother!
- (BABY SCREECHES)
- (MOTHER GROWLS)
That poor mama dragon.
We killed her babies.
(VILLAGERS SCREAMING)
Plus whatever that body count
ends up being.
I I swear I'm gonna
make it up to everybody!
I'll I'll help people! Like the king!
I'm gonna be the best knight
the kingdom has ever seen!
(SHEEP BLEATING)
Weird day.
♪
Okay, Patrick, ten years of training
has led to this.
The king is watching. No pressure.
And go!
(GRUNTING)
(BORIS LAUGHING)
Watching this idiot is the best thing
about living next door.
Glenn and Doreen must be so embarrassed.
First their kid burns down the whole town,
now this, this‐What do you call this?
I don't know.
Some sort of cosplay jack‐off session.
Shh, I love this part.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHING)
Patrick! Come inside!
Mom, I'm practicing!
DOREEN:
It's important, sweetheart!
Looking good, kiddo!
Patrick, your father and I have
something to tell you. Glenn?
You need to get a job.
A job? No, I'm training to be a knight!
It all started when we climbed
that mountain for the dragon eggs‐‐.
We know, we know,
blah, blah, blah, endangered species,
killed its babies, no more dragons.
Wait. What was that last part?
My God. Look, every kid
wants to be a knight,
but do you know
how many kids actually go pro?
Look at your brothers and your sister.
They all have good jobs.
Good jobs? Are you insane?
Ruben works for the forest service.
A roving gang of bandits.
Blarney's in the fine arts.
Alcoholic birthday clown.
Pays to have a backup career.
And Coral is the CEO
of her own shipping company!
Mom, she's a goddamn
fucking pirate queen!
♪
Listen, I know you love us equally‐‐.
Uh, I mean
But I'm tired of being the black sheep.
When I'm a knight, you're gonna realize
I'm the white sheep
and they're the black sheep!
Then I'm finally gonna be
front and center on the Christmas cards!
Oh, you all look so adorable!
Yeah, well, sink or swim, hero.
I'm putting a pool table in your bedroom,
and it's getting delivered tomorrow.
You're kicking me out tomorrow?
Let's just put it this way,
I'm getting that pool table tomorrow
and fucking your mother on it.
Now, whether you're here or not,
that's your choice.
Sounds like both of you
have dreams that won't come true.
Aw.
Aah, this is such bullcrap!
How am I supposed to atone for my sins
by taking a job
at a "children's hospital"?
Okay, bad example.
But I'm certainly not gonna work
at this "hospice for toddlers."
Jeez, the kids around here have problems.
What's that one? Gravedigger for tweens?
It's an announcement for
the King's Annual Squire Tournament.
It's the Squire Tournament!
Oh! That's nice! That's why I put it
on a public bulletin board:
So only one person sees it.
It's tomorrow? No, it's usually in July!
Yeah, there's an opening.
Something about a friendly fire incident.
Except with a sword.
If you ask me, it sounds like murder.
But I'm not done preparing! I can't win!
Or can I?
This could be the answer
to all my problems.
Now, the question is,
do I even need to be here?
Because I'm starting
to feel like set dressing.
Okay, no goodbye.
So, I guess in your mind,
it wasn't even a real conversation.
When I die, who will put up
the flyer to fill my job? I bet no one.
(OWL HOOTING)
So long, Mom and Dad.
The next time you see me,
I'll be the king's new squire!
This I swear because‐‐.
Shut up, you stupid cat!
Aah!
♪
Wow. The king lives in that castle!
PASSERBY 1:
No fucking shit, moron!
This is really happening!
I‐I think I'm having a panic attack.
PASSERBY 2: My family's dead from plague,
but your problems seem equally hard!
Okay, first lesson about Kingstown:
Don't say your thoughts out loud.
PASSERBY 3:
It's true! We hate that!
Fuckface!
Can I interest you in
a novelty shot glass you'll never use?
No thanks, I'm not in the market
for garbage. Whoa, bobbleheads!
Wow, King Merriman!
I'm gettin' this!
Huh? Who's this one?
SOUVENIR VENDOR: That's our most famous
local hooker, HPV Annie!
She spread HPV?
No, she cured it.
She whored her way
to a biochemistry doctorate.
Of course she had HPV, you idiot!
You're a pretty rude salesman.
Look, I'm sorry.
I just found out I have HPV.
Kid, you must be an interior decorator,
the way you're eyeing
these yeti pelt throw rugs!
Well, I thought yetis were white.
Why are these so yellow?
Fun fact, yetis piss themselves
when you shoot 'em.
Uh They also scream, scream,
scream for mama, but mama ain't comin'.
Ain't nobody comin'.
Nobody 'cept me and my peltin' knife.
I can tell you've got an eye
for black‐light art, friendo.
Orcs playing poker? Kind of tacky.
You got a problem with orcs?
No, I‐‐.
What about orcs who move
to the big city to pursue their dreams
only to find the art community
insular and snobbish?
Are you talking about yourself?
Me? I'm definitely not an orc
who turned out to be
way less talented than he thought.
Okay. Please buy a painting!
Okay, here's my application.
Great! I just need your application fee.
Newbie, huh? Not me!
Eighth time's the charm,
as the saying goes.
Nobody says that. Hi, I'm Patrick.
The name's Broth.
The best part of any soup,
also as the saying goes.
Nobody says that.
So if you forget my name,
just picture a bowl of soup
attempting something eight times.
Hey, I've never done this before.
Do you mind if I tag along with you?
Not at all! Don't worry, everyone gets
butterflies before the tournament.
You see that bush over there?
I've puked behind it eight years in a row!
Oh gross, someone set their stuff in it.
That's my stuff.
All righty! I just need your fee.
Great.
(BROTH CLEARS THROAT) Hmm?
(SIGHS)
You think anyone can tell my armor
is 90 percent aluminum foil?
(CHUCKLES) No.
You see that sweet armor down there?
The dildo inside is named Holden.
He's the odds‐on favorite to win.
There's odds?
PATRICK:
Aw! They misspelled my name!
BROTH: Huh. It seems accurate.
Plays fanfare ♪
All hail His Royal Majesty King Merriman
and Her Royal Highness Queen Tulip!
I'm breathing the same air
as the king and queen!
I wonder what they're talking about.
I bet it's something important!
Those tulips look like they've
already seen a red carpet or two.
We're recycling them now
because they are fucking expensive.
For the price of this stupid tournament,
we could buy so many tulips
I'd have tulips coming out of my asshole.
It's a dream come true!
Tell him it's going to be
a nightmare come true
when I get done kicking
the unholy shit out of him.
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
Yeah, Holden says good luck.
Tell him thanks!
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
He says to go fuck yourself.
(GRUMBLES)
Wow! Do those tulips look
subpar to anyone else?
Ready aim
squire!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
(SWORDS CLANGING)
This is it! Time to shine!
(GRUNTING)
Aah! Ow! Low blow! Low blow!
That was a rules violation!
Deduct five points from that man at once!
Oh! Aah!
Sorry! Sorry! Hope the damage
isn't sperm‐ anent! (LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
Jesus, that kid's got
a piñata for a sack.
Oh God!
It's my childhood all over again!
Ow! Nut shot! (CACKLES)
Aah! CORAL: Nut shot! (CACKLES)
Pirate‐style! (CACKLES)
It's not fair!
Girls don't have nutsacks!
(CACKLING)
Girls don't have nutsacks,
don't have nutsacks.
I remember now!
Nut shot!
Huh? Countered, motherfucker!
Aah! But how?
My penis and balls are tucked
safely between my legs!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(GRUNTS) Huh?
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Yes!
(COMPETITORS GROANING)
Hmm.
Welcome to the next level, fools!
(LAUGHING)
Who will dare match wits
with the royal magician Blinkerquartz?
Wow, I can't wait to meet him!
It's me, fuckhead!
What, do you think I'm wearing this outfit
for shits and gigs?
Your tone says "no."
Prepare yourselves!
What magic will you face?
Lightning bolts?
Will your swords turn to snakes?
Well perhaps, but let's start slow.
One gold coin is all it takes
to see what magic Blinkerquartz makes.
All bets final. Who wants to get rich?
Is it you? Is it you?
Wait. That's not magic!
Blarney, I need my lunch money!
How'd you like to double
your lunch money?
Find the ace and you'll be
up to your crack in tater tots!
PATRICK: Uh, isn't one of those
supposed to be an ace?
(CLOWN HORN HONKS)
I grew up with cheaters.
Nobody knows cheaters the way I do!
That's my edge!
Aah, so close!
Try your luck again?
Hey, can I play?
Oh shit! The cops!
Where? I can't do another dime!
Found it. Do I win?
Aw, shit! PLAYER: He cheated me!
Wait, wait, wait! There's more‐‐
Oh my God!
(GROANS) (WHISTLE TRILLS)
Whistle whip!
I trusted you, man! I trusted you!
Wow, Patrick! You're doing great!
I'm still not sure how the points
are being awarded.
Aw! This game is corrupt as hell!
If I'm going to win,
I'll have to out‐cheat the cheaters!
Ah, the old two‐wrongs‐make‐a‐right
philosophy. I hear ya.
Wait. No‐no.
You cheat your way into the job
then you be the best cheater you can be!
But you can't beat a rigged system
by playing fair!
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1:
Sounds like a real moral conundrum!
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Fuckface!
Nothing separates the men from the boys
quite like hand‐to‐hand combat.
PATRICK:
Pardon me, Queen Tulip? Question.
Uh, why did we have to strip for this?
(AUDIENCE WHISTLING)
Like I said, men from the boys.
Now, line up according to bulge.
Oh good, the hot oil guy's here.
(SPITTING)
Well, if no one's going to lend me their
underwear, I guess this is happening.
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
(GRUNTING)
Where the hell is my wife?
Your Highness, she's‐‐
Quit jabbering, man.
We've gotta make hay while the sun shines.
I'll decide when I've had enough nachos!
I'm a grown‐ass man!
(MUNCHING)
Hey, Broth, where's Wembley?
Yes! Yes!
Rub your young body all over me!
Every squire tournament she ghosts me.
What's that about?
I'm glad you asked. She's‐‐
Could I get a less chatty guard?
(PANTING) Patrick, you're up.
Huh?
Your Majesty? Whoa!
Have you ever fucked
on an 800‐pound chandelier
hastily bolted to the top
of a canvas tent?
(LAUGHING) Sure have!
(CACKLING) Then grab a ladder!
♪
I've had my eye on you all day,
but I want to make
one thing perfectly clear:
If you're under 18
that would be way hotter!
But you're married, to the king!
Yes.
We have what's called
a cheating‐on‐each‐other marriage.
It's very progressive.
I wish I was going to prom
like you, Ruben,
but I'm way too shy to ask out a girl.
You know, what if she says no?
Ah, Patrick, you're so cute,
my little buddy who has never seen a tit.
You remind me of me never.
Take it from me, the mayor of Trim Town.
To score with the ladies,
you gotta be a lying dickhole.
Really? Really!
Patrick, my prom date thinks
I'm a millionaire fireman
who's posing as a high‐schooler
to bust a drug ring.
(CHUCKLES) And instead of
breaking up with her,
I'll just fake my own death
in a boating accident,
'cause nobody questions boat death.
I'm telling you, buddy,
when it comes to women, lie your ass off!
Lie my ass off, lie my ass off.
Your Highness, we can't have sex!
I'm married!
Me too! I'm secretly a woman!
This just got hotter!
And I'm pregnant! Way hotter!
I also have diarrhea!
I could get into that.
(HYPERVENTILATING)
Fine, no more lies!
The truth is I'm a virgin
and I'm scared of you!
Just how horny are you trying to make me?
But I I Yes? Yes?
I just don't want to!
Why didn't you just say that?
This needs to be consensual, Patrick.
I'm not a monster.
Oh. Then, uh, thanks.
(PANTING)
That is one mixed‐up pregnant virgin.
Well, what did I miss?
Where is everybody?
The medic just yanked a bunch of guys.
Says it's the worst epidemic
of stage four gonorrhea he's ever seen.
Hey, should I go visit the Queen?
I would not do that.
Ladies and gentlemen,
who's ready for the main event?
(CHEERING)
I can't hear you!
ONLOOKER 1: He can't hear us!
ONLOOKER 2: The king's gone deaf!
ONLOOKER 3: We have no leader!
ONLOOKER 4: We'll be invaded!
I said, who's ready for the main event?
It's time to fucking joust!
(GASPS, CHEERING)
Tell me again about the tulip budget,
you son of a bitch!
I can't believe what I'm seeing!
I know, it's awesome, right?
Beggars are starving in the streets
and the king wastes our tax money
on this garbage!
I'm sorry, pal, I can't hear you
over all this entertainment!
Have you ever jousted before?
Nope.
Have you ever joosted before?
What's the difference?
Joosting's when two dudes run full steam
at each other with their dicks out.
Oh come on, when the hell
would I have done that?
I dunno.
We had very different proms, I guess.
Riders ready?
(HORSE NICKERS)
(HORSE SNORTS)
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
(SPEARS CLANG)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
Ref, that was high‐sticking!
Aren't you going to call that?
Oh, good observation!
Riders ready?
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
Aah!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SPITTING)
He threw mud in my face!
The king can't possibly approve of that!
Oh, this Holden kid's a born winner!
Creative as hell!
Ha! You thought he'd say one thing,
and he said the opposite.
In the comedy biz that's called
the ol' zoop‐de‐doop!
Also, that was not mud.
Ring around the horseshit!
Ring around the horseshit! ♪
Let me go (GAGGING, COUGHING)
What am I doing? Why do I even want
to be a squire for these people?
Because employees get ten percent off
everything in the gift shop, baby!
Yeah, well, all the employees
are entitled cheating assholes!
Well, to hell with this, I quit!
I'm not a cheater and I never will be.
Hey! Dildo! Hurry up and lose,
'cause it's my mom's birthday next week
and she's getting a shot glass
with the king's face on it
ten percent off.
Oh, fuck this guy.
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
Hey, where's my stick thingy?
What the?
(HOLDEN GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
Holy shit! Holy shit!
Holy shit!
Nice. Holden's probably dead, huh?
Yeah, that's right, I cheated!
Just like everybody else
in this tournament of turds!
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
You can take your squire job,
your fireworks, your castle, your tulips,
and your STD bobbleheads
and shove them all
right up your royal ass!
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
The king demands
dramatic music playing ♪
a slow clap.
(AUDIENCE SLOW‐CLAPPING)
Oh, I have news for you, motherfucker.
You're my new squire!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
That's right! Starting Monday,
I'm gonna take you under my wing, kid!
You're gonna learn from the best!
The old master himself!
Numero uno! The big king daddy!
Oh, the adventures you're gonna have!
I'd be jealous of you
if I wasn't the king!
Oh, no. What have I done?
(SIGHS) All right,
let's put a good spin on this.
Mom! Dad! Guess who can suck it!
Somebody's dream wasn't
so stupid after all!
(GASPS) Hello, little brother!
We hear you've got a new job.
Working for the royal family?
That's very exciting news.
(WHISPERING): For all of us.
(CLOWN HORN HONKS)
Gee, I'm real tired, guys!
I'm just gonna be in my room.
But what a pleasant surprise to see you!
Surprise? Oh, Patrick.
You know we're in your life forever.
(LAUGHING)
GLENN: Oh. Yeah! Yeah!
Two balls in your corner pocket!
(DOREEN GIGGLING)
GLENN: I'm livin' the dream!
Recorder playing festive music ♪
CHILD: That is amazing!
(BEEPING)
(MONKEY CHITTERS)