Curb Your Enthusiasm s01e01 Episode Script

Cheryl, come here for a second.
What? Look at this.
- What's going on? - Yeah, what's going on? - It's just material.
- Yeah, I know.
- But really, look at these pants.
- I've seen pants bunch up- I have never seen a bunch-up like this in my life.
- This is like a five-inch bunch-up I got here.
- You don't have to play with it.
Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing.
'Cause you want people to think you constantly have an erection? - Is it bad for me to walk around like that? - Yeah, it is.
- I got a tent.
- It's a big one.
You want to go to that Dustin Hoffman movie tonight? It's Monday.
What do I do on Monday nights? I don't know, what? You take a bath? - Yoga.
- You don't have to do it every Monday.
Yes, I do.
- I don't have anybody to go with.
- Go by yourself.
- Maybe I'll call Richard Lewis.
- Call Richard Lewis.
Richie boy! What are you doing? I was thinking about going to see that Dustin Hoffman movie.
You're kidding.
Yeah, at the Crest.
Yeah, okay, I'll Sure, no, I don't care, no, that's fine.
All right, I'll see you later, probably.
I'm not sure if I'm going.
Otherwise, I'll see you on Saturday night.
All right, bye.
So, is he going? Yeah, he's going, but you know, he's got a date and- - Is this his new girl? - Yeah.
We're having dinner with them on Saturday.
- What is she like? - I don't know, I've never met her.
He could've invited me to go along with him.
What's the big deal? He's going to the same movie at the same time.
- He has a date! - So what? You don't ask somebody to go to the movies when you have a date.
Here.
Hello? Hey, Nancy.
Just hanging around, talking to Larry.
What are you doing? Really? You know what? You should go to the movies with Larry.
Yeah.
He's going to that Dustin Hoffman movie.
Yeah, no, he would love to go with you.
This is perfect, hold on.
She wants to go.
Hello? Hello? Jeff! - How you doing? - I can't believe I got you in your car.
I'm your manager, I'm always available.
I love that.
- What's going on? - Nothing, I'm going to the movies.
Who you going with? My wife tells her friend I'm looking for somebody to go to the movies with so I'm going to the movies with my wife's friend, who I find really annoying.
Forget about that tonight.
You wanna play golf this weekend? - I don't know, I'll have to ask Hitler.
- Hitler? - Who's he talking about? - I don't know.
Listen, who's in your car? Just my parents, they're in town.
- Get me off the speakerphone, please! - Hold on.
- Now you're off the speakerphone.
- What's wrong with you? I thought this was a private conversation! - I didn't know anybody else was in your car! - Hold on.
Relax back there! - Hello.
- Forget it.
- I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- All right, call me tomorrow, bye.
Goodbye.
Excuse me.
- Is that a problem for you? - Excuse me.
- That's exactly right.
- Be a little nicer about it and just go by.
You make this big sigh, I'm trying to get by.
- I'm sitting here.
Please enter the other way.
- Please move your legs.
Are you looking at my breasts? I'm not looking at your breasts, I'm trying to get to my seat.
- He's looking at my breasts.
- Yeah, your special breasts.
- Just excuse me, please? - Please go by without stepping on my foot.
You wear that 'cause you want people to look at your shoes, right? Prick! Can you believe that? Did you hear that? - I did.
- Jerk.
- I hate her.
- What a sick fuck.
I hate her, man.
She doesn't even move her knees to let somebody in? She's sitting on the aisle.
She doesn't expect somebody to come in? I'm so sorry, you okay? You all right? You got really upset, didn't you? Don't worry, it's over now.
- Shit, there she is.
- Yo, "D"! You came! This is one of my best friends.
- This is Larry David.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is Sofia.
And - Nancy.
- I'm a huge fan of yours.
- Friend of Cheryl's.
You're so funny.
You know, only on deeply religious holidays.
- Did you like the film? - Yeah, not bad.
- It was great.
- It was fabulous.
Why don't we go and get a little cappuccino and some pizza.
- On me, on me! - It's too late for cappuccino.
I'll be up till 5:00 in the morning if I have a cup of coffee now.
Did you ever hear the word "decaf"? Decaf doesn't work that well.
That'll keep me up till 2:00.
I get the distinct feeling that I'm, like, Himmler's ghost.
- No.
- It's late anyway, I'm gonna go home.
What about dinner? Are we still on for dinner Saturday? We're going out with the Davids Saturday night.
We're gonna meet his wife.
We're gonna go out.
Let's make it like a leisurely dinner, if you don't mind.
- What does that mean? Leisurely? - Somewhere between 2 and 20 hours.
- I don't know.
- I don't know what that means.
I love you, nice to meet you.
Hope I see you again.
All right, I'll see you Saturday.
You sure everything's all right? - How was the movie? - Not bad.
So, not quite sure how to tell you this but I think your friend, Nancy thinks she got me aroused in the movie.
Why would she think that? Because of the tent in the pants, and she looked down.
- No.
- Yeah.
She thought that there was some garbage there.
She looked over and she looked at your crotch? She looked at it.
She looked down.
What was her reaction? - Like it was awkward.
- There was a little twinkle.
You're sure that she looked over and thought that you were excited? That's really weird.
- I know, it's very weird.
- It's very creepy.
- I told you about these pants! - I know, it's just material.
It's obvious- It's not obvious! Look.
She didn't say anything to you about it? - You didn't say anything- - No, there was no time, the movie started.
And you weren't? - What? - You weren't aroused? - No, look at this! - I'm making sure.
I told you about the pants, you didn't believe me.
You scoffed.
Because any idiot could tell that was just material.
She's your friend.
Maybe I'll call her.
No, don't do that, that's crazy.
By the way, I've got some more news, too in case this wasn't enough for you.
We're not going out with Richard Lewis and his girlfriend on Saturday.
- That's out.
- Why? I got in a fight with his girlfriend before the movie started.
Larry, why? How in the world could you get in a fight with- It wasn't my fault.
I was trying to get to my seat.
She wouldn't let me go and we got He wasn't there.
I'll tell you about it, I have to go to the bathroom.
Jeff called and left a message on the machine.
And he said that he's sorry.
- What does that mean? - I don't know.
If he leaves that message, you don't know what it means? He's sorry? Like you would know what that message meant.
- What happened? - That's weird.
I have no idea.
- You have no idea what happened? - No.
- He'd leave a message saying- - I'm thinking about it.
I don't know what he's talking about.
I'll talk to him tomorrow.
- Strange night? - Yeah, very strange.
Hello? Yeah.
Do you know how much longer he's gonna be? So, it was really uncool to just leave that message, "I'm sorry," on my machine 'cause my wife, she asked me, "What is he sorry about?" And I had no answer.
I'm sorry.
I'm not gonna say I called her "Hitler" and your parents heard it in the car.
No.
Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna call back.
And the thing is, she's gonna ask me again.
We'll think of something.
- What are you writing? - I'm writing Kathy Griffin a letter of apology.
Why? What did you do? We did nothing to each other but just every week, I end up writing her an apology letter.
What a job you have.
You have to write people letters? - I know.
- It's ridiculous.
It's crazy.
Kathy's the only one I don't understand.
What if Kathy called you up and said that she wanted me to write a pilot for her and you said, no, I wasn't available, without consulting me.
If my wife ever asks me again, which I'm sure she will, that's what I could tell her.
- That's why you said you were sorry.
- Great, wonderful.
- You like that? - Yes, very much.
- It's quite good, isn't it? - So, we're lying together.
So that's our story, in case my wife ever talks to you, Kathy- "Kathy Griffin called him up "and he said I couldn't write the pilot for her "without even asking me.
He's an idiot.
" - Who is? - You are, I'm talking to my wife now.
"He's a big, fat idiot.
" - Big, fat idiot? - Come on.
Tell her I'm an idiot, don't say I'm a fat idiot.
- I'm kidding.
- Could you do me a favor? - Write me a letter of apology.
- I will.
For calling me a fat idiot, listen.
The other night when you called your wife "Hitler"? My parents were in the back? We had a gay cousin that escaped Nazi Germany so my parents are very sensitive to it.
- Talk about being ostracized.
- Yeah.
- Gay Jew in Nazi Germany? - Yeah.
- He must have had a hard time.
- Yep.
What a combo.
Can you do me a favor? This afternoon, come by the house and apologize to my parents.
It's for me, they're here for another week.
My dad wants me to drop you as a client! He keeps telling me every day, "Drop him as a client!" Because of one stupid little joke I made in the car? - One stupid, little thing.
- Because of the gay Jew cousin? They're very sensitive about it of the gay Jew cousin.
I gotta go meet them for lunch.
I'll be home this afternoon.
Please come by.
Don't ever put me on a speakerphone in your car - if anybody's sitting there again! - If I'm alone, it's okay.
Okay, but can you do me a favor, please? Tell my parents you're sorry.
Quickly zip in, zip out, and tell them, all right? Have you heard of this new restaurant called Mama's Boy? Yeah, I heard it's great.
Good, Cheryl and I are going on Saturday night.
- We have reservations.
- With Lewis and his girlfriend? No, we were supposed to, but that fell through.
- I should take my parents there.
- You should.
"Mama's Boy.
" Nobody is gonna wanna see her on another awards show.
No, okay, I gotta go.
All right, bye.
- Did Richard Lewis call? - Yes, and he's coming over.
So, it'll probably be a few minutes from now.
Bob Shaw called.
He just wanted to say hi.
- And your wife called twice.
- Okay, I don't need that.
Q- tips? Okay.
Yeah, I'm writing it down.
A color wrap.
Is that tin foil or plastic? Is that Saran Wrap? No, I don't know.
That's what I thought, okay.
Yes, as a matter of fact I did.
What happened was, Kathy Griffin had called him about the possibility of me writing a pilot for her.
She was interested in me writing a pilot for her, he never told me about it.
He just said no without telling me.
So, that's what he said he was sorry about.
Okay, yeah, I love you, too.
Okay, bye.
- Why are you looking at me like that? - Because I've never been married.
I think I'm in love and you might have ruined this for me.
Come on, "ruined it.
" If I did, I did you a favor, by the way.
That's one of the most insensitive things you've ever said.
I don't think it's insensitive.
It's sensitive.
- I do.
- Let me tell you something.
Now, this is a woman who knows seven languages.
She's very sweet.
I'm taking a leak, the movie's about to start.
Look at me, can you look, can you respect I drove down in rush hour.
And those seats are like this.
- She tried.
- She didn't try.
"Do you mind? Can't you move?" And then, here's the coup de grãce, you look at her breasts! You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts! First of all, they're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls, okay? - How do you know they're fake? - I could take a guess.
- Maybe they are fake, what's the big deal? - Nothing, don't call them breasts.
First of all, I'm getting I have that irregular heart thing.
It is not a good thing.
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
- This is all bad for me.
- We're doing the litany now? - What else? - I can give you the litany.
You want to know what my cholesterol was? I don't need this shit, man.
I've known her for six weeks.
We've already had intercourse.
She's loving, she speaks seven languages- - Congratulations on the intercourse.
- I happen to be a little bit in love with her.
A little bit should be the operative word here.
I don't know how to Firstly, it's none of your business 'cause you're insensitive- Does she ask you to go over the Neil Simon scripts at night? The actress? Make you do some readings at night with her in bed? Does she give you a script and go over the lines with you on the sides? - Do you read the sides with her? - She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.
- She reads Wiesel? - That's right.
Not everyone's a moron I go out- You know what she should be reading? Emily fucking Post! That's what she should be reading! Let me tell you something.
Saturday night, do me a favor.
I love you, all right? We have enough good stuff in the bank to get over this.
But Saturday night at dinner, could we maybe try to have an apology for this? Firstly, there's no way I can have dinner with you on Saturday night.
That's out.
- Am I hearing this? - I'm not having dinner.
- Our relationship's at stake right now.
- Get out of here! You'd better call me later on, by sundown.
By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper? - What's- - That's funny.
I'm trying not to laugh, but that's funny.
You'd better call me by sundown.
By sundown? And is a posse gonna come get me? That's right.
There he is, hi, Lar.
These are my friends, Connie, Robin, from the Mommy and Me class.
- I'm one of the mommies.
- Hi, mommy.
All right, bye.
Actually, let's go up and see the kids.
Mom, Dad, Larry's here.
Really? I've come to tell you that I'm sorry about the other night.
I know you were in the car, you overheard me say something.
We were in the car.
I'm sorry if I offended you, it was meant as a joke.
- It wasn't very funny, obviously.
- It wasn't funny.
- No! - I thought I was just talking to Jeff and You mean you can say that kind of thing to Jeff and he thinks it's funny, is that what you're trying to say? - I'm not saying that.
- You don't think it's funny? I would've told him it was the wrong thing to say.
I think so.
I don't think my wife is Hitler, I love my wife very much.
She's given up her career to work full-time for the environment.
So, it was an error on your part? It was cruel and not nice.
It was rotten, if I may say so.
It was rotten.
- I'm sorry, I agree, it was rotten.
- All right, it's over now.
- It's over, what you did.
- You have to pull yourself together.
I do, I'm trying to pull myself together.
You have to get a hold of yourself.
So, you did what you did, and it wasn't very nice but I try to be a nice human being.
Forget about it.
- As long as you understand.
- He understands, he's great.
- I'm done with the Hitler stuff.
- You're all right.
Thank you.
You've come in and you said it.
- Easy.
- Mom, Dad! Sammy is asleep on the floor, he's got his arm around Sarah.
It's the cutest thing, you gotta come up, right now.
Larry, come, it's so cute.
- Jeffrey, get the Polaroid, okay? - The Polaroid.
And you can see the new wallpaper.
Come on.
The Polaroid, I'll get the Polaroid.
- I'm not gonna go upstairs.
- Whatever, you know, it's your business.
You wanna, you wanna, you don't, you don't.
I can't make you.
- I gotta get moving.
- Thank you, that was really nice of you.
I really appreciate it.
I gotta go up there now.
Larry, come here for a second.
Look who's here.
I wanted to just get this out in the open.
- What the hell? - It's Nancy.
And I just wanted you to come over here for one second.
I thought we should just talk about this.
Tell her what you were telling me the other night.
- Why are you doing this? This is silly! - Tell her what you told me the other night.
I can't believe that she's talking to you about this! This is insane! Wait a second, hold it.
Can I just say something here? Okay.
Now, I came home, and I thought it was really funny it was kind of a joke to me that you stared down, over here because- Because you had an erection.
Nancy, this is why it's funny - because you thought that I had an erection.
- I "thought"? But I don't understand the "thought" part.
That's what we're saying.
Even before the movie, Larry said, "Look at these pants.
" I pointed out the pants to her before the movie.
Larry, you sat down, and everything was fine then I started rubbing your arm, you got a hard-on.
- It's not a big deal, I don't care.
- It's not a big deal.
- And I wouldn't mind it, if in fact, I did.
- Wait a second.
She was rubbing your arm? Why were you rubbing his arm? I was upset about the woman- Why didn't you tell me that she was rubbing your arm? - I was upset about the woman- - Why didn't you tell me that earlier? It's so insignificant to me, the whole thing! - I'm taking in all the facts.
- It happened.
He got an erection, it wasn't a big deal.
Nancy, it didn't happen, okay? If it happened, I would give you credit for it! I know when I get these things and how they happen.
These things, these erection things? - I know the source.
- I know the source, too.
I can name sources! Sophia Loren was once a source! I know my sources! Sometimes they're mysterious sources, I don't know where it comes from! - Other times, I can pinpoint it! - What about me? - Am I not even involved in a source? - Yeah, you're a source.
- My God! - Listen, you got a hard-on.
No, I didn't! - Look at these pants.
- That's not what it looked like.
That was flopping, this was not flopping.
There was something hard in there and it was your dick! - Are you crazy? - Wait a second, don't walk out! Let me show you, I'll get the pants! Why did you have to tell her? You didn't tell me the whole story, thank you! Jesus.
Look what's doing here.
This is really crowded.
Hi, reservation for 8:00, for David.
Yes.
I have you for a party of four.
But there are only gonna be two of us.
Larry, come here! Excuse me one second.
- Cheryl! - Hi! - I haven't seen you in so long, look at this.
- Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Greene.
This is Cheryl, Larry's wife, this is Jeff's parents.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- How do you do, Cheryl, is it? - Yes.
- How are you, Cheryl? Nice to see you.
Pretty lady.
How's everything? - Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
- She won't tell her about the Hitler thing? - No way.
I promise you, no way.
There is a little bit of a problem.
Remember the other day, you were leaving we wanted you to look at the kid? Susie asked you to come upstairs? My parents are mad you didn't.
- What? - They are upset you didn't come up.
- They thought you should come up.
- Up the stairs? To see the kids? They're mad at me? - Yeah.
- That's insane.
- I've already told them they're crazy.
- What did they say? "It'd be nice if he would've came up.
"Who doesn't come up to look at another man's kid?" - So, they didn't even say hello to me.
- I know, they're upset with you.
- Hold on, she wants to talk to you.
- Excuse me.
I'm trying to find a place for a table of two, and I just don't have one.
- Wait a second.
- What's happening? We can't sit two people at a table of four We'll take a table for two, then.
There is no table for two available for another hour and a half.
We'll take the table for four, there'll just be two of us.
We can't sit two in a four, we can sit a four in a four - as we're wasting- - But we had a reservation for four - and the two people couldn't come.
- I can't do it, it's not looking good.
Thank you.
That's fine.
You know what, Larry? You should just tell her who you are.
- Who am I? I'm a guy without a table.
- Try the Seinfeld thing and see if she reacts.
Forget it, I'm not gonna say that.
It will help.
Ma'am, can you come for one second? Tell her who you are.
- He was one of the creators of Seinfeld.
- So what, right? Okay, big deal, fine.
What I'm saying is, she can find a table for you.
- I wish I could help you, but- - You've seen it.
I saw it once, it was good.
- Did you, really? Which one? - I can't remember.
Great, see? She never even saw the show, good going.
But we can't give preferential treatment here.
Cheryl, Larry, join us, we got the corner table.
Easily add two.
Come on, join us.
- Please do, I've done it before.
- We'll see if we can do that.
Thank you.
Larry David, co-creator of Seinfeld? - Okay, please? Thank you, very much.
- Shut up.
Seinfeld, Larry David, thank you very much.
Come on, let's go.
- You wanna eat with him and his family? - I'm starving.
- I'm gonna get the veal parmesan.
- Honey, I don't think you should get that.
I'll get the white fish then, are you happy? I'm gonna have the Fish Frenzy.
- What's that? Where do you see that? - Right here.
- And it's got grilled shrimp with- - I'm not having that.
I'm having white fish, isn't that right, sweetheart? - Whatever you want, Mom.
- Okay.
When are you guys going back? What, is there a hurry? It's our business.
Next Tuesday.
I know, because I bought the tickets.
Next Tuesday, right? Listen, Mom, you're welcome to stay with us as long as you want.
Good evening, how are you this evening? I'd like to apologize for the necessity to crowd you a bit.
We're very busy tonight, fortunately but I hope you enjoy your dinner nevertheless.
- Are you Mama's Boy? - I am a mama's boy, and I'm proud of it.
- Enjoy your dinner.
- Thank you.
Enjoy the dinner, thank you.
I love to see a black owner, black entrepreneurship.
- What does that mean? - What do you mean? It's just I just wanna point out, if you're not gonna order dessert it's not really a good deal because the entrěes are cheaper ála carte, Mom.
I don't feel well, I really don't.
- Having a nice time? - Having a great time.
We've got to do this more often, don't you think? Maybe I'll call in for next week.
Wouldn't that be nice? Kathy Griffin.
- Sorry to interrupt.
- Larry, Jeff, Susie.
I cannot believe this coincidence.
I have been meaning to call you about Larry.
We talked about it.
The thing about the pilot, yeah.
- Pilot? - We should do that.
- That's what you called him about, I know.
- I didn't.
I'm saying I'd call you this week.
I thought maybe, you might wanna write something for me.
- You know? - No, I know.
- How do you know? - Because I thought it'd be funny if we get together, kick around some ideas.
- What's your name, miss? - Kathy Griffin.
You're an attractive young lady.
You better watch him, miss.
All right, I'll talk to you soon.
Bye-bye, sorry to interrupt.
- Sweet girl.
- Look at the way that girl walks.
Look at that, what rhythm she has.