Cybill (1995) s01e01 Episode Script
Virgin, Mother, Crone
(Romantic music) I wish this night could last forever.
- It can.
- No.
Nothing's forever.
You're wrong.
Death is forever.
(Laughs) Cut! Cut! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
My fault.
(Snorts) (Squeals) Cut, cut, cut! - Cut! - (She snorts) - (Snorts) - Cut.
Yuk! - Cut! - He licked my neck.
- Oh, no, I didn't! - You rat, admit it.
You licked my neck.
Did you lick her neck? Yeah, maybe a little.
Ha! Listen, Miss Sheridan, here's the deal.
I really went out on a limb to get you this Job.
The producers wanted a much younger victim.
I appreciate the work.
I promise I'll get it right this time.
If you need to keep from laughing, visualise a career in food services.
Thanks That helps.
(Snorts) Oh! Oh! Oh! (Thud) That was not my fault! ? Beep beep, mm, beep beep Baby, you can drive my car ? Yes, I'm gonna be a star ? Baby, you can drive my car ? And baby, I love you ? Beep beep, mm, beep beep, yeah ? Beep beep, mm, beep beep, yeah? Hey, that's an old beauty.
Thanks.
- You mean the car, right? - Yeah.
- What is that, a '64? - Yep.
Original interior, push-button tranny and a Slant Six engine that'll never die.
- Wow.
I think I'm in love.
- It's not for sale.
I wasn't talking about the car.
Still no sale.
- My name's Teddy.
- Cybill.
That's a nice name.
Would you like to have dinner tonight? Sorry, I only date guys from the car-pool lane.
Did I mention I love animals? Well, give me your phone number.
- You want my number? - Now you're playing hard to get? OK, OK, OK.
Hold on.
- Here.
- (Horn beeps) - Call me.
- Maybe.
Call me, too? ? Beep beep, mm, beep beep, yeah ? Beep beep, mm, beep beep, yeah? Sorry I'm late.
I was picking up guys on the freeway.
I'm on my second gimlet.
Maryann, I'm gonna take you back to Betty Ford.
Well, three times a charm.
- Guess who had his hair permed.
- No.
He looks like a deranged poodle.
- You're better off without him.
- Abso-freakin'-lutely.
Officer.
One more gimlet and a Jack and ginger for the natural blonde.
Let us not speak about the evil Dr Dick again.
Good.
Can we talk about my life? Yes, your life.
I put that son of a bitch through med school.
Come on.
We've been through this.
I know, I know.
No wallowing, no self-pity.
No decapitated bunny rabbits in his mailbox.
It wasn't a real bunny.
(Deep rumbling) - What do you think, 3.
8? - 3.
6.
Yeah, probably.
- Now my life.
- Your life.
How was work? Horrible.
I spent three hours getting my neck sucked by a guy who had garlic and clams for breakfast.
Then I lost a part.
Hooker with a heart of gold.
- That's novel.
- Yeah, well.
They thought it'd be more of a family film if they cast a younger, perkier whore.
Middle-aged prostitutes are depressing.
So much for my plans to re-enter the workforce.
If I was a man, I wouldn't be too old to play a hooker.
Don't be so sure, honey.
- Oh, my.
- What? Don't turn around.
Your ex-husband walked in.
- Which one? - Number two.
You won't believe what's hanging off him.
- How old is it? - Let's find out.
Ira! Hey! Come say hello! - You dirty, rotten stinky! - Come on, it'll be fun.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ira.
Hi, girls.
Cybill, Maryann, this is Cat.
My name's Kathy, but my friends all call me Cat, cos I love cats and it's short for Kathy.
Even though I spell Kathy with a K and Cat is spelled with a C.
Sorry to hear about you and Richard.
Dick.
Well, I'm sure there was fault on both sides.
- Do I have Zoey this weekend? - Problem? - Not at all.
- We're taking her to a rap concert.
- Really? She's kidding, right? - No.
Cat's really turned me on to rap.
Incredible vitality, all that ghetto rage stuff.
Ira, you've never even been downtown.
I watch the riots on TV.
- See you Friday.
Bye, Cat.
- With a C.
Bye.
- You know what's amazing, Maryann? - They make vodka from wheat.
No, how quickly "Till death do us part" turns into "What was I thinking?" Even though I'm dating, I still love you and I want us to be together.
We've got a good divorce going, you're a good father.
Let's Just leave things the way they are, OK? Would it change anything if I said I fantasise about you when I'm having sex with Cat? No.
OK.
See you.
You handled that very well.
Very grown-up, very mature.
Ow! Thanks.
(Plays classical music) (Plays Chopsticks) - Hey, Zo.
How was school? - Why do you always ask that? - You know it annoys me.
- I saw your father today.
Was he with Dress-up Barbie? Oh, you've met Cat.
(Squeaky voice) With a C.
People with cute nicknames should be used for food.
- Such a happy child.
- Don't go upstairs yet.
- I let a friend use your shower.
- My shower? - Is that a problem? - I'm thrilled your friends bathe.
Oh, thanks, Zo.
I am no longer thrilled.
- Who are you? - Oh, um, this is Cybill.
- Cybill, this is Kelly.
- Hey, Cybill.
Call me Mom.
Uh, well, it's very nice to meet you.
Same here.
Get out.
OK.
- I'll call you later, Zo.
- All right.
See you later.
Is there something you wanna tell Mommy? - It's not what it looks like.
- What, you're being framed? You are so predictable.
Your mind automatically goes to sex.
Is that all you think about, sex? You want me to say no, don't you? Kelly rode his bike from UCLA and he was all sweaty.
- UCLA? What is he, a freshman? - Junior.
- 19? - 20.
Did you tell him you were only 16? I might have said 16, I might have said 23.
What is the difference? To a Jury of his peers, plenty.
We're Just dating.
You didn't date older guys? That was different.
There was a war on.
Did you sleep with them? I don't want you going out with 20-year-old men! - You'll get hurt! - You don't understand.
- I said that to my mother.
- I can make decisions! - I said that too.
- Mother, I swear, if you mess this up for me, I'll become a lesbian.
? Wish they all could be California ? I wish they all could be California girls? - - - - - Come on in, Ira.
- Wrong ex-husband.
- Hi, Jeff.
- Hiya, Pumpkin.
- Stop calling me Pumpkin.
- I call all my ex-wives Pumpkin.
I speak for all of us.
- What are you doing here? - Rachel wants to talk to us.
Really? Zoey, did Rachel call? - Oh, yeah.
She's coming tonight.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- This a bad time? - I'm going out on a date.
- Oh! How did your movie go? - Great.
Lot of stunt work.
Thank God for Steven Seagal movies.
That's something you don't hear every day.
There was one really cool scene.
I get thrown from a speeding train with my head on fire.
Nobody's head burns like yours.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Rach.
- Hi, Mom.
- Is everything OK? Everything's fine.
I Just didn't wanna tell you over the phone.
- You're pregnant.
- You always do this.
- Really? - I wanted to surprise you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Say it.
I'll act surprised.
Jeff, act surprised.
- I'm gonna have a baby.
- Oh, Rachel! Oh! Oh, Rachel! That's great! That's so great! And you even waited till after you were married.
Well, I thought I'd start a new family tradition.
Good one.
You told her? She was at our wedding, Jeff.
You are gonna be such a wonderful mother, you and Kevin such wonderful parents.
A baby.
There's gonna be a baby.
I kept your crib and the stroller.
I'll buy you some maternity clothes.
I really don't care how I look.
When you trip over your breasts, you'll wanna put on something pretty.
There's the difference.
I'm not an actress.
I don't need to the centre of attention.
You're upset.
This is my fault.
I offered you free clothes.
- We're gonna be grandparents.
- Not now, Jeff.
All I meant was I'm gonna be a grandmother.
- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey, Zoey.
- Hey, Rach.
What's up? - I'm going to have a baby.
Cool.
Whose? You met her on the freeway? Unbelievable.
Oh, my God.
Zoey, rap concert with Dad.
Let's get funky.
- Oh, God.
- Hi.
- We did say Friday night? - Yes, yes.
Come in.
Let me introduce you.
You've already met - Ira.
- Ira.
Zoey, my daughter with Ira.
Over here is Rachel, my daughter with Jeff.
- Are you still with me? - Yeah, sure.
Rachel, Jeff, Zoey Ira.
You won't take me back but you'll pick up strangers? That about sums it up.
Cybill, is this a bad time? She Just found out she's gonna be a grandma.
(Mouths) This is kinda neat.
I've never gone out with a grandmother before.
You know what they say - once you've had raisins, you never go back to grapes.
I thought it was once you've had prunes, you never go back to plums.
Zoey, this lesbian idea of yours is looking better and better.
No matter how hard you work out, you're still gonna be a grandmother.
I don't mind becoming a grandmother.
Have I ever lied about my age? Never been liposucked, boob-Jobbed, tummy-tucked.
- You know why? - You can't afford it.
- I'm comfortable with myself.
- Oh, I see.
There are three stages to a woman's life - virgin, mother, crone.
Aren't you leaving out a rather lengthy fooling-around stage? OK.
Virgin, cheerleader, mother, crone.
I'm moving from the mother stage to the crone stage.
I'm a crone-in-waiting, a pre-crone.
Lovely.
When do you grow the hump? In olden days, the old crone was considered a woman of great wisdom.
She was revered.
Nobody cared if she was all wrinkly.
But nobody wanted to sleep with her, either.
- I'm not talking to you any more.
- Cybill, darling.
We don't live in a world that reveres wise old women.
That's why you kill yourself working out.
I do this for spiritual reasons.
The body is the temple of the soul.
And guys don't make passes at crones with big asses.
Hard to believe this is only our third date.
I feel so comfortable with you.
Not "show you the video of me giving birth" comfortable, but comfortable.
Good.
Good that you feel comfortable.
And good that you're not gonna show me that video.
(Howling) - Coyotes.
- Yeah, the hills are full of 'em.
- (Yowling) - I forgot to bring the cat inside.
(Chorus of howling) (Screeching) I think it's time for a new cat.
Winky was number three.
I'm so sorry.
- Where were we? - Teddy, I have a confession to make.
I came here with every intention of going to bed with you.
- I forgive you.
- But I think it'd be for all the wrong reasons.
You're upset about Winky.
Don't be.
He was mean, always killing birds.
This is not about Winky! I'd be sleeping with you to prove that I'm too young to be a grandma, that I've still got it.
You've still got it.
The important thing is not to waste it.
Will you Just zip it up and listen to me? I'm sorry.
Zipped and listening.
My whole life I've looked for validation from men.
I was Daddy's little girl, homecoming queen, Miss Beau Weevil 1968.
- Miss Beau Weevil? - Second runner-up.
I was robbed.
Anyway, it's time to stop looking for that kind of validation.
- Do you understand? - Yes, I do.
Cybill, look, I like you a lot and I respect your feelings.
If you feel this'd be for the wrong reasons, don't say another word.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sleep with me anyway.
OK.
(Doorbell) Carlita! - (Doorbell) - Carlita, answer the Oh, wait.
She got deported.
Oh, that is not a happy face.
What a disaster.
- He's married.
- No.
- Gay.
- No.
His mother walked in while you were hanging from the ceiling in a studded leather harness.
It's been known to happen.
Maryann, he couldn't do it.
He failed to perform.
Oh.
My.
Well, did you warm him up? No, Maryann, I pulled down his pants and said go.
Give me that.
- What is this? - Martini.
Want one? He thought I was a cow, an old spotted cow.
He was probably Just scared.
The only thing in the room was my naked body.
- Maybe he was cold.
- Oh, please.
We'll Just blame it on the death of Winky.
Isn't that what we're doing? Come on, Cybill.
So you met a guy who couldn't do it.
Ha! If I had a nickel for every time my ex-husband couldn't perform Well, actually, I do.
But what good is it? I'm all alone in this big, empty house.
- You have people in your life.
- Oh, yeah.
One ex-husband who works as a crash dummy, another who dates one.
My ex-husband gave me a restraining order at Valentine's Day.
Know what Zoey writes about me in her diary? At least she writes.
My son is in New Mexico with a suitcase and flashlight, - Even Carlita left me.
- She was deported.
She turned herself in to get away from the great white pig.
Grande gringa puerca.
Like I didn't know.
Oh, honey.
- Should I go on? - No, honey.
You win.
Your life is much more pathetic than mine.
Thanks.
You feel better? Actually, I do.
You're a good friend, Maryann.
I try to be there for you, kid.
Come on, I'll make you a stiff one.
Oh, sorry.
(Phone) Hello? Yeah, honey.
She's right here.
- It's Zoey.
- What's wrong? Zoey.
Are you OK? - I'm fine.
Let's Just go.
- Zoey Wanna yell at me, ground me, Just go ahead.
I don't give a damn.
- I wanna know what happened.
- I went to a party with Kelly.
Someone told him my age and he dumped me.
- Your father let you go out with Kelly? - I snuck out.
Wouldn't you have? Yes, but I would have had the brains to bring cab fare.
- Go ahead.
Let's hear the big speech.
- No speech.
- Yeah, right.
- I had a good one.
But then I thought, "Mothers give speeches.
I'm a crone.
" Actually, a pre-crone.
We're compassionate and forgiving.
What? Come here.
You are a very strange woman.
Really? I like to think of myself as being very wise.
You may wanna start revering me.
Let's hear you say something very wise.
OK.
I told you so.
I'm afraid you two will have to answer some questions.
Oh, my.
Darling.
Don't worry, darling.
Surely you don't suspect us, Officer? How could I not suspect you? Everywhere you go, people die.
That's it? Three lines of dialogue and then you die? Maryann, to actors, there are no small parts, only small cheques.
It appears that our killer is getting desperate.
Why do you say that, darling? Well, look.
This woman is clearly much older than the other victims.
- It can.
- No.
Nothing's forever.
You're wrong.
Death is forever.
(Laughs) Cut! Cut! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
My fault.
(Snorts) (Squeals) Cut, cut, cut! - Cut! - (She snorts) - (Snorts) - Cut.
Yuk! - Cut! - He licked my neck.
- Oh, no, I didn't! - You rat, admit it.
You licked my neck.
Did you lick her neck? Yeah, maybe a little.
Ha! Listen, Miss Sheridan, here's the deal.
I really went out on a limb to get you this Job.
The producers wanted a much younger victim.
I appreciate the work.
I promise I'll get it right this time.
If you need to keep from laughing, visualise a career in food services.
Thanks That helps.
(Snorts) Oh! Oh! Oh! (Thud) That was not my fault! ? Beep beep, mm, beep beep Baby, you can drive my car ? Yes, I'm gonna be a star ? Baby, you can drive my car ? And baby, I love you ? Beep beep, mm, beep beep, yeah ? Beep beep, mm, beep beep, yeah? Hey, that's an old beauty.
Thanks.
- You mean the car, right? - Yeah.
- What is that, a '64? - Yep.
Original interior, push-button tranny and a Slant Six engine that'll never die.
- Wow.
I think I'm in love.
- It's not for sale.
I wasn't talking about the car.
Still no sale.
- My name's Teddy.
- Cybill.
That's a nice name.
Would you like to have dinner tonight? Sorry, I only date guys from the car-pool lane.
Did I mention I love animals? Well, give me your phone number.
- You want my number? - Now you're playing hard to get? OK, OK, OK.
Hold on.
- Here.
- (Horn beeps) - Call me.
- Maybe.
Call me, too? ? Beep beep, mm, beep beep, yeah ? Beep beep, mm, beep beep, yeah? Sorry I'm late.
I was picking up guys on the freeway.
I'm on my second gimlet.
Maryann, I'm gonna take you back to Betty Ford.
Well, three times a charm.
- Guess who had his hair permed.
- No.
He looks like a deranged poodle.
- You're better off without him.
- Abso-freakin'-lutely.
Officer.
One more gimlet and a Jack and ginger for the natural blonde.
Let us not speak about the evil Dr Dick again.
Good.
Can we talk about my life? Yes, your life.
I put that son of a bitch through med school.
Come on.
We've been through this.
I know, I know.
No wallowing, no self-pity.
No decapitated bunny rabbits in his mailbox.
It wasn't a real bunny.
(Deep rumbling) - What do you think, 3.
8? - 3.
6.
Yeah, probably.
- Now my life.
- Your life.
How was work? Horrible.
I spent three hours getting my neck sucked by a guy who had garlic and clams for breakfast.
Then I lost a part.
Hooker with a heart of gold.
- That's novel.
- Yeah, well.
They thought it'd be more of a family film if they cast a younger, perkier whore.
Middle-aged prostitutes are depressing.
So much for my plans to re-enter the workforce.
If I was a man, I wouldn't be too old to play a hooker.
Don't be so sure, honey.
- Oh, my.
- What? Don't turn around.
Your ex-husband walked in.
- Which one? - Number two.
You won't believe what's hanging off him.
- How old is it? - Let's find out.
Ira! Hey! Come say hello! - You dirty, rotten stinky! - Come on, it'll be fun.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ira.
Hi, girls.
Cybill, Maryann, this is Cat.
My name's Kathy, but my friends all call me Cat, cos I love cats and it's short for Kathy.
Even though I spell Kathy with a K and Cat is spelled with a C.
Sorry to hear about you and Richard.
Dick.
Well, I'm sure there was fault on both sides.
- Do I have Zoey this weekend? - Problem? - Not at all.
- We're taking her to a rap concert.
- Really? She's kidding, right? - No.
Cat's really turned me on to rap.
Incredible vitality, all that ghetto rage stuff.
Ira, you've never even been downtown.
I watch the riots on TV.
- See you Friday.
Bye, Cat.
- With a C.
Bye.
- You know what's amazing, Maryann? - They make vodka from wheat.
No, how quickly "Till death do us part" turns into "What was I thinking?" Even though I'm dating, I still love you and I want us to be together.
We've got a good divorce going, you're a good father.
Let's Just leave things the way they are, OK? Would it change anything if I said I fantasise about you when I'm having sex with Cat? No.
OK.
See you.
You handled that very well.
Very grown-up, very mature.
Ow! Thanks.
(Plays classical music) (Plays Chopsticks) - Hey, Zo.
How was school? - Why do you always ask that? - You know it annoys me.
- I saw your father today.
Was he with Dress-up Barbie? Oh, you've met Cat.
(Squeaky voice) With a C.
People with cute nicknames should be used for food.
- Such a happy child.
- Don't go upstairs yet.
- I let a friend use your shower.
- My shower? - Is that a problem? - I'm thrilled your friends bathe.
Oh, thanks, Zo.
I am no longer thrilled.
- Who are you? - Oh, um, this is Cybill.
- Cybill, this is Kelly.
- Hey, Cybill.
Call me Mom.
Uh, well, it's very nice to meet you.
Same here.
Get out.
OK.
- I'll call you later, Zo.
- All right.
See you later.
Is there something you wanna tell Mommy? - It's not what it looks like.
- What, you're being framed? You are so predictable.
Your mind automatically goes to sex.
Is that all you think about, sex? You want me to say no, don't you? Kelly rode his bike from UCLA and he was all sweaty.
- UCLA? What is he, a freshman? - Junior.
- 19? - 20.
Did you tell him you were only 16? I might have said 16, I might have said 23.
What is the difference? To a Jury of his peers, plenty.
We're Just dating.
You didn't date older guys? That was different.
There was a war on.
Did you sleep with them? I don't want you going out with 20-year-old men! - You'll get hurt! - You don't understand.
- I said that to my mother.
- I can make decisions! - I said that too.
- Mother, I swear, if you mess this up for me, I'll become a lesbian.
? Wish they all could be California ? I wish they all could be California girls? - - - - - Come on in, Ira.
- Wrong ex-husband.
- Hi, Jeff.
- Hiya, Pumpkin.
- Stop calling me Pumpkin.
- I call all my ex-wives Pumpkin.
I speak for all of us.
- What are you doing here? - Rachel wants to talk to us.
Really? Zoey, did Rachel call? - Oh, yeah.
She's coming tonight.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- This a bad time? - I'm going out on a date.
- Oh! How did your movie go? - Great.
Lot of stunt work.
Thank God for Steven Seagal movies.
That's something you don't hear every day.
There was one really cool scene.
I get thrown from a speeding train with my head on fire.
Nobody's head burns like yours.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Rach.
- Hi, Mom.
- Is everything OK? Everything's fine.
I Just didn't wanna tell you over the phone.
- You're pregnant.
- You always do this.
- Really? - I wanted to surprise you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Say it.
I'll act surprised.
Jeff, act surprised.
- I'm gonna have a baby.
- Oh, Rachel! Oh! Oh, Rachel! That's great! That's so great! And you even waited till after you were married.
Well, I thought I'd start a new family tradition.
Good one.
You told her? She was at our wedding, Jeff.
You are gonna be such a wonderful mother, you and Kevin such wonderful parents.
A baby.
There's gonna be a baby.
I kept your crib and the stroller.
I'll buy you some maternity clothes.
I really don't care how I look.
When you trip over your breasts, you'll wanna put on something pretty.
There's the difference.
I'm not an actress.
I don't need to the centre of attention.
You're upset.
This is my fault.
I offered you free clothes.
- We're gonna be grandparents.
- Not now, Jeff.
All I meant was I'm gonna be a grandmother.
- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey, Zoey.
- Hey, Rach.
What's up? - I'm going to have a baby.
Cool.
Whose? You met her on the freeway? Unbelievable.
Oh, my God.
Zoey, rap concert with Dad.
Let's get funky.
- Oh, God.
- Hi.
- We did say Friday night? - Yes, yes.
Come in.
Let me introduce you.
You've already met - Ira.
- Ira.
Zoey, my daughter with Ira.
Over here is Rachel, my daughter with Jeff.
- Are you still with me? - Yeah, sure.
Rachel, Jeff, Zoey Ira.
You won't take me back but you'll pick up strangers? That about sums it up.
Cybill, is this a bad time? She Just found out she's gonna be a grandma.
(Mouths) This is kinda neat.
I've never gone out with a grandmother before.
You know what they say - once you've had raisins, you never go back to grapes.
I thought it was once you've had prunes, you never go back to plums.
Zoey, this lesbian idea of yours is looking better and better.
No matter how hard you work out, you're still gonna be a grandmother.
I don't mind becoming a grandmother.
Have I ever lied about my age? Never been liposucked, boob-Jobbed, tummy-tucked.
- You know why? - You can't afford it.
- I'm comfortable with myself.
- Oh, I see.
There are three stages to a woman's life - virgin, mother, crone.
Aren't you leaving out a rather lengthy fooling-around stage? OK.
Virgin, cheerleader, mother, crone.
I'm moving from the mother stage to the crone stage.
I'm a crone-in-waiting, a pre-crone.
Lovely.
When do you grow the hump? In olden days, the old crone was considered a woman of great wisdom.
She was revered.
Nobody cared if she was all wrinkly.
But nobody wanted to sleep with her, either.
- I'm not talking to you any more.
- Cybill, darling.
We don't live in a world that reveres wise old women.
That's why you kill yourself working out.
I do this for spiritual reasons.
The body is the temple of the soul.
And guys don't make passes at crones with big asses.
Hard to believe this is only our third date.
I feel so comfortable with you.
Not "show you the video of me giving birth" comfortable, but comfortable.
Good.
Good that you feel comfortable.
And good that you're not gonna show me that video.
(Howling) - Coyotes.
- Yeah, the hills are full of 'em.
- (Yowling) - I forgot to bring the cat inside.
(Chorus of howling) (Screeching) I think it's time for a new cat.
Winky was number three.
I'm so sorry.
- Where were we? - Teddy, I have a confession to make.
I came here with every intention of going to bed with you.
- I forgive you.
- But I think it'd be for all the wrong reasons.
You're upset about Winky.
Don't be.
He was mean, always killing birds.
This is not about Winky! I'd be sleeping with you to prove that I'm too young to be a grandma, that I've still got it.
You've still got it.
The important thing is not to waste it.
Will you Just zip it up and listen to me? I'm sorry.
Zipped and listening.
My whole life I've looked for validation from men.
I was Daddy's little girl, homecoming queen, Miss Beau Weevil 1968.
- Miss Beau Weevil? - Second runner-up.
I was robbed.
Anyway, it's time to stop looking for that kind of validation.
- Do you understand? - Yes, I do.
Cybill, look, I like you a lot and I respect your feelings.
If you feel this'd be for the wrong reasons, don't say another word.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sleep with me anyway.
OK.
(Doorbell) Carlita! - (Doorbell) - Carlita, answer the Oh, wait.
She got deported.
Oh, that is not a happy face.
What a disaster.
- He's married.
- No.
- Gay.
- No.
His mother walked in while you were hanging from the ceiling in a studded leather harness.
It's been known to happen.
Maryann, he couldn't do it.
He failed to perform.
Oh.
My.
Well, did you warm him up? No, Maryann, I pulled down his pants and said go.
Give me that.
- What is this? - Martini.
Want one? He thought I was a cow, an old spotted cow.
He was probably Just scared.
The only thing in the room was my naked body.
- Maybe he was cold.
- Oh, please.
We'll Just blame it on the death of Winky.
Isn't that what we're doing? Come on, Cybill.
So you met a guy who couldn't do it.
Ha! If I had a nickel for every time my ex-husband couldn't perform Well, actually, I do.
But what good is it? I'm all alone in this big, empty house.
- You have people in your life.
- Oh, yeah.
One ex-husband who works as a crash dummy, another who dates one.
My ex-husband gave me a restraining order at Valentine's Day.
Know what Zoey writes about me in her diary? At least she writes.
My son is in New Mexico with a suitcase and flashlight, - Even Carlita left me.
- She was deported.
She turned herself in to get away from the great white pig.
Grande gringa puerca.
Like I didn't know.
Oh, honey.
- Should I go on? - No, honey.
You win.
Your life is much more pathetic than mine.
Thanks.
You feel better? Actually, I do.
You're a good friend, Maryann.
I try to be there for you, kid.
Come on, I'll make you a stiff one.
Oh, sorry.
(Phone) Hello? Yeah, honey.
She's right here.
- It's Zoey.
- What's wrong? Zoey.
Are you OK? - I'm fine.
Let's Just go.
- Zoey Wanna yell at me, ground me, Just go ahead.
I don't give a damn.
- I wanna know what happened.
- I went to a party with Kelly.
Someone told him my age and he dumped me.
- Your father let you go out with Kelly? - I snuck out.
Wouldn't you have? Yes, but I would have had the brains to bring cab fare.
- Go ahead.
Let's hear the big speech.
- No speech.
- Yeah, right.
- I had a good one.
But then I thought, "Mothers give speeches.
I'm a crone.
" Actually, a pre-crone.
We're compassionate and forgiving.
What? Come here.
You are a very strange woman.
Really? I like to think of myself as being very wise.
You may wanna start revering me.
Let's hear you say something very wise.
OK.
I told you so.
I'm afraid you two will have to answer some questions.
Oh, my.
Darling.
Don't worry, darling.
Surely you don't suspect us, Officer? How could I not suspect you? Everywhere you go, people die.
That's it? Three lines of dialogue and then you die? Maryann, to actors, there are no small parts, only small cheques.
It appears that our killer is getting desperate.
Why do you say that, darling? Well, look.
This woman is clearly much older than the other victims.