Dad Stop Embarrassing Me! (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

Good evening. I'm so happy to meet you.
I've read my notes on you two, and
[clears throat] seems like you've been
living together for a little while.
But guess what? I'm here to make sure that
when you two lovebirds leave here today,
that you'll be singing in perfect harmony,
just like Whitney and Bobby!
[Brian] Mmm.
- Excuse me just a moment.
- [Sasha chuckles]
I know there's a little age cavern,
but don't be afraid
of a little skin-on-skin contact.
[chuckles]
Dad, I think she thinks
we're dating each other.
Impossible.
Please, go on.
I think that the wedge between you two
is coming from a deeper place, Mr. Dixon.
What are you talking about? He's my dad.
You know, calling somebody "Daddy"
can be part of
a bigger sphere of intimacy, baby.
Well, I call this a bunch of bull.
And I call this already paid for.
Zip it.
Ew!
How did we get here?
My daughter I don't know
how to connect with her.
I've known you since high school,
and I've known Sasha her whole life.
You know what you two need? Therapy.
- Man, come on.
- No, I got the perfect person.
And I know what you're gonna say.
Black people don't go to therapy.
[Sasha] My name is Sasha Dixon,
and I live in Atlanta, Georgia.
Sadly, after my mom passed,
I came to live with my dad,
Brian Dixon, down here in the A.
He inherited his mom's
cosmetics company, BAY Cosmetics,
which stands for "Beverly and Young."
It's a new life for me,
getting reacquainted with my Pops,
my favorite aunty, Chels,
and my embarrassing Daddy.
I really miss my old life.
But, hey, learning to function
in our dysfunctional home
has gotten me to a place
that I never thought I'd end up: therapy.
We can laugh, we can hang
But don't embarrass me ♪
Oh, no ♪
Please don't say the wrong thing
Dad, don't embarrass me again ♪
We can dance, we can joke
But don't embarrass me ♪
Oh, no ♪
Don't embarrass me
Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪
I know that you mean well
But don't be so foul ♪
When I'm hangin' with my friends
Please don't be actin' wild ♪
So, tell me more
about this living situation.
Is there anything can be done
to make you feel more
I don't know, comfortable?
[scoffs] Well, for starters,
my dad makes me really uncomfortable
when he hangs around the thots.
Really?
Tell me more of your thoughts.
Not "thoughts," "thots."
The thots he's seeing.
I don't see my thoughts,
I think my thoughts.
[chuckles]
No, no, no. "Thots."
T-H-O-T. "Those hoes over there."
Oh.
I see.
This is an
open relationship.
What?
Brian, would you care to
tell me more about your thots?
[coughs]
I would love to.
- Oh, Brian!
- Yeah.
I just love your beautiful home.
You know, I could just stay here forever.
Oh. You know, get your
pretty feet off my chair.
You know, you can't stay here at all.
You know what?
My daughter, she's coming to live with me.
There is nothing sexier
than a single dad raising a child.
No?
No. When does she get here?
Oh, as a matter of fact, today.
You know Look, I'm trying
to create a stable household for her.
I can't have women running in and out
of the house and things like that.
I got to get to the airport soon,
and I'm sure that you got somewhere
you gotta be, right?
Right! I sure do.
Right here in this palatial palace.
Now come on. I need a full house tour.
Look, we can't go up there.
I done left drawers all on the floor.
Great minds think alike.
[hesitating] But you work for me!
No, that's Baby!
- What's in this room?
- It's a bedroom, like any other room.
[squealing] It's so beautiful!
[Brian] Back in the day,
I would have tried to knock
all the spice off of that jerk chicken.
But I gotta be responsible.
She works for me, for God's sake!
- [chuckles] Your bed is so comfy.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I could just
sleep here all night long.
Please don't.
[giggles]
I just want to show you my appreciation
for making me a BAY model.
Yeah, you know what?
You could also show me appreciation,
you know those gift cards from Popeyes?
Them sandwiches is hard to come by.
Well, actually, I did get you a gift.
Something I think you'll really like.
"Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus,
Numbers, Deuter"
What is this? Some jeggings?
[laughs] No, silly! They're skinny jeans.
I think they'd look incredible on you.
They would?
Mmm-hmm.
- Ha, thank you.
- No, thank you.
Now, come over here, zaddy.
There's one more way
I want to show you how appreciative I am.
[grunts]
[imitating Al Pacino] Just when I thought
I was out, they pull me back in.
- [smoke alarm beeping]
- [in normal voice] Saved by the bell.
Hey, uh, listen. I'm gonna go downstairs
and check on the house,
make sure it ain't on fire, okay?
And hold these biker shorts.
I like to interject myself
Excuse me, baby.
Let me get on in here.
I like to interject myself into the
the process
that I put my patients through,
and I call this "hands-on therapy."
Some people call it a "threesome," but
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [Sasha] What?
- What?
- She's my daughter!
That's my dad!
Oh.
Well
Let me blow these candles out, then.
Uh
I totally got my chakras mixed up.
Misdiagnosed the aura in the room.
I kind of diagnosed that wrong.
- See? We can't even get this right.
- We're supposed to do this.
- No
- You have to respect me
This was your idea for coming into
therapy. I didn't want to come here
- Hey! Hey!
- Black people don't go to therapy!
Listen. All I'm saying is that
I'm trying to connect with my daughter.
Black people don't go to therapy
I understand.
Black people don't go to therapy.
We also don't mess over money.
But you're here, so let's try something.
I mean, how are you supposed to help us?
- All you know is sex.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Well, as a father and daughter who are
clearly not having sex with each other,
what is wrong with you?
What's the problem with you two?
[Brian] Pops! Pops, what are you doing?
It smells like a Snoop concert down here.
Why can't you be like every other father?
Just get drunk and pass out.
I'm healing my body. This is medicinal.
Yep. I told Pops to chill
now that Sasha's gonna be living with us.
Give me this!
We can't be smoking this stuff
in front of the kids.
You guys should really chill it
with the weed.
You brought it to us, dumbass!
It's not mine.
I got it from the evidence locker.
If we smoke it all up,
ain't gonna be no evidence left.
Besides, you know Sasha's already 15.
You think your daughter
doesn't know what weed is?
It's 2019, for God's sake.
It's 2021, for God's sake.
Goddamn, that's some good shit.
Hey, Manny. Manny, what are you doing?
I'm just checking
the smoke alarms, Mr. Brian.
[smoke alarm beeping]
They work.
[gasps] Speaking of alarms,
I was supposed to respond to
a home invasion, like, a half hour ago.
[scoffs] I'll be right back.
Y'all know Sasha's
supposed to be here in three hours.
- [Sasha] Hello?
- Sasha!
Damn! Those few hours just flew by.
Is it still 2021?
Come on.
My baby's home! Oh, so good to see you.
What are you doing here?
You know you're supposed to land at 9:00.
My flight landed early.
You'd know if you checked your texts.
My texts? Let me check my texts.
If I check the texts, if I
Thirty-seven missed texts.
I gotta clean this up.
You know what?
You probably texting the landline.
Plus, I'm a grown-ass man.
You gotta call me.
- [Sasha] Aunt Chelsea!
- Hi!
Oh, my gosh!
Look at you, growing up so fast.
You know, I texted you, too.
That was you?
[exclaims] I was like,
"Whose damn number is this?"
But you kept calling, so I had to block
you in case you was a bill collector.
Pops!
I'd hug you
but I don't want to get a contact high.
See? She knows about weed.
Dad, I think
I'm gonna go upstairs and crash.
"Upstairs and crash"?
Wait a minute!
You know what? These bags
are so sturdy, and they slippery as hell.
Look, you know what?
Check to make sure the TSA
didn't take something out your bag.
I gotta go clean up right quick.
Courtney, we got a code red.
What? What are you
Where are your clothes?
On the floor somewhere.
Why don't you put 'em on?
Okay, listen, a meeting just came up,
so I gotta go.
I gotta get you out of here.
As a matter of fact,
why don't you go out the window?
[Courtney] What?
Please just go out the window.
- Look, you like to play games, right?
- Yeah.
Why don't we play tie the sheets together,
and we play prison break? Huh?
I don't know what you're talking about,
but go to your meeting.
I'll be here waiting for you.
- No, baby, you gotta go.
- No, you gotta stay.
- [Brian] No, you gotta go.
- You gotta stay.
- [Brian] No, you gotta go.
- Dad, I need some towels!
And she needs some clothes.
No, Sash. We're We was
She works for me.
She's just working for me right now.
Tell me, how did it make you feel, baby,
to find Daddy in a compromising position?
Not happy at first. Then I figured
it would be nice to know someone
young enough to have a TikTok account.
Sasha, I'm not gonna
go over this anymore. I am not seeing her.
And you watch your sauciness
in your voice, okay? I'm your father.
[chuckles] "Father" or babysitter?
Yes, yes. Let's explore that.
You feel like your father's
not invested in your life?
Exactly. You know,
I feel like I'm never a priority for him.
What?
[singing indistinctly]
- [exclaims] Jesus!
- I thought you was trying to battle, girl.
What are you even doing here?
I just got through dropping off Courtney.
Oh, good.
You got her back before her curfew.
Funny. What was you listening to?
Some Beyoncé? Some Jay-Z?
[imitating Jay-Z] It's crazy.
It's the ROC.
Started out of Marcy Projects. [chuckles]
No. I was listening to J Balvin.
He's my favorite artist.
[in normal voice] Yes.
J Balvin in the hizzouse.
[chuckles] J. My good old boy, J.
- You have no idea who that is, do you?
- Yes, I do not.
Look, I was thinking, this weekend, Sash,
how about we go to
the happiest place on Earth?
Or as I call it, the mouse in the hizzou
[exclaims]
- Damn.
- Please! Disney World is for kids.
And by the way,
last time you cried on Space Mountain.
I ain't cry. The kid in the front had
a churro and popped me in my eye.
Are we still rolling with that?
Anyway, look, we can go
anywhere you want to go, all right?
We hang out. Except for Twin Peaks.
Courtney's mom works there,
late-night shift.
Well, what about
that sushi place we used to go to?
Hmm, I don't know about the sushi.
Remember last time?
You had the food poisoning.
You know, you had the bubbles.
The whole bathroom
was like a Jackson Pollock.
I mean, it wasn't that bad.
And plus, those sweaty palms
nursed me back to health.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Come on, we can go tomorrow night.
No, can't go tomorrow.
We're having a little pop-up for BAY,
for the investors, trying to get money.
We're going to have soda pop, Pop-Tarts,
Pops is gonna be there.
It's gonna be popping.
And you're an intern,
so you need to get there and pop it off.
Right. Work comes first.
No, I'm not saying that.
What I'm saying is
how about we go,
do our thing there at the pop-up,
and then dip off
and go to the sushi restaurant?
Only this time, if you're feeling sick,
know what you're supposed to do?
I know.
Make a big scene so dinner's on the house.
[Brian] Yeah.
If you followed my lead,
if you would've fell in Dave & Buster's,
Dave & Buster's would be
Sasha's & Brian right now.
- [scoffs] Dad, hurry up!
- [Brian] I'm coming!
[groans]
What you
- Oh, hell, no!
- Oh, hell, no!
What are you wearing?
What do you mean, what am I wearing?
I'm wearing the latest skinny jean.
Those jeans aren't skinny,
they're starving.
They fit. I've just got to break them in.
What are you talking about?
Look at your dress.
That dress should have came
with a pregnancy scare.
Hey, hey, hey. Don't.
Hey, don't film Don't film me.
Don't film me. Sash. Huh?
I'm gonna put this on my TikTok.
Put this on TikTok?
[exclaims]
Oh, my God. Dad, are you okay?
Baby, I'm not.
[groans]
Just know that
you're gonna be an only child.
- Let's just get to the party.
- Okay.
[grunts] Sash?
Sash?
I need a little help, Sash.
Sash?
Playa, welcome to BAY pop-up.
Pop-up? This looks more like
a little get-together to me.
When the other people gonna pop up?
It hasn't started yet. Plus, a pop-up
just refers to a temporary location.
All right. Okay.
Yeah, I think something just popped up.
Excuse me, snowflake?
Cottontail?
Listen, would you like to buy me a drink?
- Pops still got it, man.
- Brian.
- Hey!
- Stace. [exclaims]
- Hi Sasha!
- [Sasha] Hi!
Oh, it's been so long.
Why is your dad wearing your jeans?
Oh. No, those are way
too small to be mine.
Hey, Bri-Bri!
Oh! Hey. How are you doing?
You look so snatched
in those jeans I got you.
Yeah. I mean, I don't It's
This is crazy,
but I'm just trying to stay tight.
Look, there's Stacy.
- Hi.
- Stacy, this is Courtney.
Stacy is the key to all this.
She's the backbone of BAY.
She put all this together.
Oh! I hear my music.
There goes that old-school music.
That's my song right there.
[scatting]
Yo, Sash
[exclaims] Get this on your TikTok.
I don't want to lose any followers.
Your dad is so cute.
Puppies are cute.
He's embarrassing.
[laughs]
Well, you know,
my son does run this whole company.
And I am his daddy,
so, when you think about it,
all of this is really 'cause of me.
Nothing?
All right, let me reload,
try to shoot again.
You know, um
I'm also Justin Bieber's daddy.
Oh, my God. I knew he sounded mixed.
Right? [chuckles]
- He took his mama's last name, though.
- No.
But I don't like to brag. [shushes]
[both giggling]
What in the
double-stuffed Oreos is going on here?
Oh. We're roleplaying.
She's about to depants the police.
[both] Shut up, Johnny!
Look, I came in here
to get my business cards,
not to find you
giving my sister the business.
Well, you said it was a pop-up.
I thought y'all hated each other.
We do.
But that's what makes it so hot.
Brian? Matt's here with the investors and
- Yeah, I know.
- What did I just walk into?
A private moment
no one was supposed to see.
- Got it.
- I'll be out there in a sec.
Well, nice knowing you, Johnny.
She's like a black widow.
When she's done with her partner,
she eats 'em.
- What?
- Relax.
[Brian] Cash Money Matt.
What up, baby?
Good to see you.
Hey, look, lemme ask you something.
Whatever happened to that
blond girl you used to hang out with?
- She set everything on fire
- Yeah.
- What happened to that psycho?
- Trish?
- Yeah, Trish.
- We got married.
You know what? I knew you guys
were crazy about each other.
- I knew that was your soulmate.
- Yeah.
I am excited to meet the investors.
Great, 'cause they're over there.
From Korea, and excited about this pop-up.
They want to go to dinner later
to talk about the details
Sorry, but unfortunately
Brian already has a dinner appointment.
Look, how about tomorrow night, okay?
Because tonight we're gonna chill.
I already got the DJ poppin'.
We gonna have this place on fire.
[hesitates]
- Give my regards to your girl.
- I will. But this has to be tonight.
They go back to Seoul tomorrow.
You need the investors.
- Come on.
- Okay. Let's do it.
Take care of it. We'll get the money.
I need you to take Sasha
over to the sushi restaurant, right?
And then I will meet you afterwards.
We gotta get that money.
- Okay. Ah, what's going on here?
- These pants.
I think one of my arteries is blocked.
- Makes sense.
- Hey, Sash, sweetheart.
All right, come on.
So, Stace is gonna
take you over to the sushi restaurant.
I'm gonna wine-and-dine these guys,
get their money. I'll meet you later.
So, no sushi?
Oh, yeah. For sure.
I'll be there later. I promise, okay?
Just like you promised
to pick me up from the airport?
Stop bringing up old stuff.
Y'all from South Korea or North Korea?
All right.
I'm sorry your dad
didn't make it to dinner.
Do you want some ice cream? Hmm?
Hey, hey, hey, that's mine, now.
I got the munchies in the Uber when
the driver refused to stop at the DQ.
Now, how hard is it
to make a U-turn on I-75?
You know, Pops, I'm surprised
you even know what Uber is.
Oh, no, he doesn't.
He just gets in people's cars
and yells at them to take him home.
Well, it's all very confusing.
I don't know why they call it
UberPool, ain't no water in it.
I rode for 45 minutes in a Speedo.
My ass was itching.
You know,
I thought this time would be different.
But it's the same as always
where I'm never a priority for him.
Like last year,
when I had that science fair
and he FaceTimed in from a club.
Well, you did get to see DJ Khaled.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How'd it go with the investors?
- It was great. And, you know, they
They thought I looked so much
like Obama, so I had to hit 'em like
[imitating Obama]
"And if there's any indication
that an investment in BAY
is an investment in America,
Sasha, Malia, Bo, they can all work."
"Yes, we can."
Okay. Well,
when the Obama starts, I gotta go.
Have a good night.
See you later.
[in normal voice] They really loved
that impression. Did you like it?
Hmm.
Hey, look, Sash
I really apologize for not making it,
but things went great.
And we could go tomorrow.
[scoffs] Whatever. Can't wait to see
what excuse you come up with next.
"Excuse"? First of all,
who you talking to?
You know, it's always something with you.
You left me at the airport,
you couldn't take me to dinner.
- Do you even want me here?
- What?
Maybe you and I are like
your pants and we just don't fit.
You don't like my pants?
Sash, come on, now.
- You're overreacting. You know me.
- "Overreacting."
You know, you're right, I do know you.
People seem to like you.
They think you're a fun guy. But
But what?
You're just not a good dad.
Sa Sash, come on. Sash. Sash!
Come down here.
I'll take the pants off.
You know what? Back in the day,
if I would have said that to my parents,
I would be waking up in ICU,
wondering where my kidney was.
But this ain't back in the day.
I think I gotta fix this one.
[sighs] Dad, what's going on?
I was still sleeping.
- This is why you need to fix my lock.
- You lucky you got a door.
Look, just stand right here, okay?
And don't move until I count to three.
Uno, dos, tres!
[music playing]
What the
[singing in Spanish]
Oh, my God! That's J Balvin!
[playing harmonica]
- Dad, that was awesome!
- Yeah, baby.
I mean, even your dancing was a little
But you sounded great. How did you even
remember J Balvin was my favorite artist?
You know what?
I've been taking my omega-3s.
And not only that,
but Manny's ringtone is J Balvin,
so we cooked something up.
And I want you to know that I love you,
and I'm just trying to make sure
that our relationship is tight.
I'm sorry for what I said.
Ah, don't worry about it. It's just like
how people say I can't dance,
or I don't know how to dress.
But I think I look good, right? Huh?
But I just want to
let you know that, from now on
nothing is more important than you, Sash.
Not even BAY.
- What about Disney World?
- Ah! Don't push it.
[chuckles]
All right, now.
That was real nice,
what you did for Sasha.
But I still think the end
could have used more harmonica, man.
All I know
is I'm in the mood for some Chipotle.
That's racist.
But I'll drive.
[in Spanish] I'll bring you tacos, guys.
- [in English] Hey, B.
- Talk to me, Matt.
The investors had a great time last night.
- I knew they would. I killed it!
- They loved you.
Oh, man. Good. So we in the money.
- They're not going to invest.
- Not gonna invest? Why not?
They just don't believe
in BAY's business plan.
Plus, they found out you weren't
actually related to Obama, so
[cell phone ringing]
Hold on a second. Hey. What's up, baby?
What? Trish, we
Goddamn, we talked about this!
I gotta go.
Gotta put out another fire.
It's the third one this week.
Make sure she drop and roll, man.
In my expert opinion,
y'all don't need therapy.
What y'all need to do is bond.
You need to get to know each other,
spend more time with each other and grow.
When I work with couples,
there's always a leader and a follower.
Sometimes he'll lead and you'll follow,
sometimes you'll lead and he'll follow.
It's all about love, honey.
Here, come walk this way.
I want you to go outside here,
and I want you to
have a seat in the lobby,
and think about
the stuff I've talked about.
I'm gonna talk to your dad
about the bill, okay?
It was really a pleasure
working with you. Now, you
There's about
seven minutes left on the clock.
I don't want you to waste your money.
Last I checked,
this couch was a pullout, so
[laughs]