Damned (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode One
1 'Hello.
What's the recommended alcohol allowance 'for a 12-year-old?' 'I don't think you understand.
She's got a zombie knife.
'We're trapped in the staffroom.
' 'My boyfriend says he'll hurt me 'because I won't do anal, like it is in porn.
' It wasn't blocked when I left the house, OK? So you must have Help! I got to go.
I'm at work.
Morning, Al.
Morning, Martin.
Diary, please.
Diary.
And what a beautiful morning it is too.
Yeah.
I woke up, looked out the window and I thought, "You don't get many of those to the pound.
" Headset.
Headset.
Have you changed the door code again, Martin? Yes, I was a little worried about security.
That's very thoughtful, but we do need to let the people in who actually work here.
Hmm.
Desk.
Desk, yes.
Just Yes, desk, all yours, sir.
Thank you.
BANGING ON DOOR PHONE RINGS Oh, Caitlin.
Morning! There's a plunger under the sink.
Look, I'll do it when I get home.
OK? Al! We need to sort the door code, and that breaches many multiple protocols.
It's either "many" or "multiple", not both.
Just answer the phone, Nitin.
I am on a call.
Yeah, to your girlfriend, Al, so sort that out.
Yeah.
Just shut the lid, spray some Febreze around.
I'll sort it out later.
Yeah, I love you too.
Nitin, answer the phone! Where's the temp? We were promised a temp.
Ta-da! It's me again.
Yeah, thought.
Al, it's Nat, the temp from last year.
No, not temp now.
We're not called temps any more.
We're called interim workers, like sex workers, but without the intercourse.
Good.
Good to know.
So, homies, what's all the bantz? Sorry, what? The Gossip Goblin is back.
Oh, well, Nitin is still here and he's still irritating.
Who? Nitin.
BANGING ON DOOR Oh, hang on, you're the one who wears drip-dry trousers.
Morning.
You're late, Rose Denby.
Shit, sorry.
PHONE RINGS Ta-da! It's me again.
It's her again.
Are you the one that couldn't figure out the phone system? I don't think so.
Could you answer the phone, then, please? Yes.
Hello, Children's 'I want to speak to a social worker' .
.
something.
'It's not fair on the kids' Yeah, I got it.
Kids in care of grandmother.
Hungry and dirty.
Sure they're not calling about your kids? Yeah, I got that too.
'Right, thank you.
' Thanks.
Bye.
Can I go back to bed now? Britain First slagging off the Muslims next door? Refreshingly no, but it's early days yet.
Have we got anything on a Jones family.
Jones? You might have to marry the brief.
Rhona Jones? 65 Nelson Way? I'll run a DSC, database speed check.
How long since they kicked you out the police force? Do you still think you're in The Wire? FYI, I left the Met to retrain.
It didn't leave me.
Unlike all your girlfriends.
'Is that children's services, is it? Yeah? Well' Excuse me.
'.
.
and look after my kids while I'm on holiday, OK?' BANGING ON DOOR .
.
You think they might be unsupervised? BANGING INTENSIFIES Nitin! Get the door.
I'm on a call.
So am I, Al, and we don't accept walk-ins.
Yes, I know that and you know that, but whoever is hammering on the bloody door obviously doesn't know that.
I am going to call you back in five minutes.
Where's Nat? HE WHEEZES Calum, how many times have I told you? Stop doing the bloody duct tape challenge.
OK, has anybody got an implement of some sort.
Here.
Oh! Ingrid! Are you OK? I'll be fine.
I thought you had an operation today.
That's tomorrow.
By lunchtime, I'll no longer be a woman.
Are you transitioning? Hysterectomy.
CALUM MUMBLES OK, Calum! I wish you'd get off YouTube.
Cut it off him.
Where? I don't know.
Here, or something.
It just keeps ringing and I've got to type It will keep ringing.
You just need to press the button that I told you to press, and then say, "Children's Services.
How may I direct your call?" It's very simple.
Then you connect to the person.
All the names, I have written them for you.
OK.
Al, Rose, Nitin.
Al, Rose, Nitin.
No, just say, "Children's Services.
How may I direct your call?" Children's Services.
How may I direct your call? Press the button with my name.
He's here, actually.
They want to talk to you now.
Connect it to me.
Connect it.
I can't talk to them at the desk.
I'll put a headset on for privacy.
He's got to put a headset Just connect it! Sorry.
Just connect it to my name.
Disconnect it? Not that it's any of my biswas, Rose, but Al's fiancee seems particularly needy this morning.
Quorn IS vegan.
Isn't it? It is.
I think it serves him right for punching above his weight.
I took the precaution of marrying a man who was grateful that a woman would have sex with him for free.
Another espresso, Al? Yeah.
Yeah.
Rose, why is Martin still here? He's signed off sick.
So? 50% of the workforce are always off sick.
He helps us out.
He shouldn't be here.
Where's he supposed to go? I mean, it's not like there's a luxury spa for stressed social workers.
Do HR know that he's still coming in? What are you complaining about? You just ordered a cappuccino.
No, I didn't, Rose.
Was it a latte? Sorry to interrupt the coffee morning.
Nite-in, could I see you in my office, please? Yes, Denise.
Ma'am.
Nite-in, I'm not actually the Queen, but if you insist, it's "ma'am" as in "ham".
Right you are, ma'am.
And it's Nitin, not Nite-in.
Don't take the piss.
What are you doing tonight, Rose? Are you having a night out or a Nite-in? A Nite-in, I thought.
You? Yeah, OK, that's borderline racist so I might just tell your superior during our meeting.
Are you a little bit nervous? Ooh, what's the headmistress going to do? Is she going to give you a spanky-spanky? Ssh! I need to go to the toilet.
Can you tell her if she comes out looking for me, please? Hi.
Hiya.
We can really let anyone in without permission.
I was going to call, but some idiot kept cocking it up and putting me on to Elderly Care.
Is Al here? Al? Remind me.
He's got twinkly eyes and a sort of lovely smile? Hello, anyone called Al in this office? Apart from me(?) Hiya.
Twinkly eyes, lovely smile? How are you? I'm fine.
And you're back here because I was passing through the area.
Really? Now, I'm going to take this in the meeting room.
In future, only authorised personnel in the inner office.
HE EXHALES Oh, it should be computerised.
Jones, Jones Oh, Jesus! I'm looking for anything to do with Rhona Jones.
I'm convinced we had dealings way back.
It's really starting to bug me.
She wasn't that chemistry teacher who was getting the kids to make LSD, was she? No, that was Mona.
Oh! And it was ecstasy.
Well, at least it felt more like ecstasy to me.
Rose? Martin, last time I had Class A, I ended up married to Lee.
Come.
Sit down.
I am tasked with creating streamlined cluster teams.
Ideally, I'd ask your superior, Ingrid, to do this but, as we all know, she's having a procedure, thank Christ.
I couldn't stand another day of the mooncalf face and hysterectomy stoop.
Got it.
Martin, you look extremely hot.
Thank you.
Oh No, I had to I ran up the stairs because the toilet Poor timekeepers, clients on lists of cases that are closed, slow responses will not be tolerated.
Music to my ears.
Observe your colleagues and write me a report.
Who's value for money and, more crucially, who isn't.
And don't let personal allegiances and friendships get in the way.
Trust me, I won't.
I don't have any.
Anne-Marie, we closed your case months ago.
Why are you here? Is Charlie OK? Oh, he's not called Charlie any more.
I thought it might have negative associations when he's older.
So, what's he called, then? Al.
Oh, I didn't name him after you.
Short forLittle Alfie.
Is there anything specific that you wanted? Oh, yeah.
I Al Jr, he wanted to invite you to his birthday party.
Anne-Marie, I was your social worker.
I'm not his father.
Oh, no, no, no.
He doesn't think you are.
PHONE RINGS You see him twice as much as he sees his real father.
Sorry.
It'd break his heart if you don't.
Take the call, walk away, don't mind me(!) No, no, no, no, it's just a client.
It's an ex-client, actually.
It's nothing important.
Oh, fucking thanks.
What? You've been on my computer? Cait? Look, if this is about my search history, I can completely explain that I haven't defriended you.
I don't know what you're talking about.
(I'm just going to go for a smoke.
) Cait? Cait! Cait! Someone must've hacked my account.
Look, I'll call you back.
Oh, shit.
That's been in there a couple of weeks, actually.
I wouldn't eat it.
Yum.
INGRID SIGHS All right, Ing? Oh, yes, all good.
I'm just wondering what it's going to be like, being womb-less.
Come along, Ingrid.
It's not just the lady-pipes that makes the woman.
It's personality.
Here she is, the phantom of the fridge.
What the fuck are you doing here, Lee? And why are you dressed like a children's TV presenter from 1986? And a very good morning to you too, Rosie.
I need to talk to you.
Ouch! Ow.
Bollocks! How did you even do this? I guessed your password and I've got an app.
You have to take this down.
Have you got an app for that? Oh, chill out.
Calm down.
It hasn't been up that long.
I was just having a laugh.
It's not funny.
OK? I could lose my job.
My fiance thinks it's hilarious(!) Fiancee? That old wagon? You need someone who really loves you.
She does love me.
She's fiery, OK? She comes from a fiery family.
Yeah, so do I.
My brother's doing 12 months for arson.
I'm joking, I'm joking.
He wasn't convicted.
They never found him.
I never know when you're being serious or not.
Just get it off this, OK? Get it off the Facebook, get it out of the Cloud, get it off of the world wide whatever the fuck it is.
Make it go away.
Done.
Really? Is that it? Yeah.
OK, thank you.
You can't come round here any more.
What? It's not a drop-in centre.
Your case is closed.
OK? You no longer meet the needs thresholds.
But there's loads of things I still need.
What? Like car insurance.
You've got a car now? No, but only cos I don't have any insurance.
Look You've been through hell, OK? But you survived, so you should be proud of yourself.
Oh All right, come on.
You promised you'd have them for the weekend.
You can't let the kids down again.
Letting you down, more like.
What have you got planned that's so important? A night in, cuddling up to a bottle of £6 Cava? Look, I've got to go and help Mum, OK? A rat has gnawed through her toilet pipe.
Euphemism? No.
She is knee deep in faecally constituted water.
She can't deal with it.
Well, I've been invited away from the weekend, a house party in the Cotswolds.
Is that why you're dressed like a knob? No, it's just a different look.
I've changed.
You've met someone, and you've just come here deliberately to rub my nose in it! Rose, you are aware you've got a management meeting in four minutes? Hello, I am Rose's ex-husband.
We're not technically divorced yet.
Personal visit.
You know the rules, Rose.
Fuck off, Nitin.
LIFT CHIMES Thank you, everyone.
This is PC Harris, and to my right is Cass, our team psychologist.
So, if we're quorate, Alastair, would you like to bring us up-to-date, please? Is that Alastair with an A or an I? Both.
Aliastiair? Just put Al.
Shouldn't we all have code numbers instead? It's simpler.
I've got one already.
PC 237TA.
What does the TA stand for? Total arsehole.
No, actually.
TA indicates the borough.
We'll just use personal initials, Natalie.
Where is RD? R who? Rose Denby.
She's dealing with a very tricky client.
I thought it was her husband? DOOR OPENS I'm very sorry I'm late, I couldn't find any info on this Jones family.
Though I trust you sorted the domestic arrangements with your husband? You know the rules on bringing personal issues into the workplace.
We're having some very bad press on this matter.
I'm very sorry, Denise.
Don't minute that, OK.
I'm still writing down the badge number.
Sorry, can we move this along a bit? I need to get away early.
Are you going anywhere nice? Young offenders institution.
Attempted suicide.
Alastair, can we get that update, please, on the family with sibling sexual? Ma'am, should I sit in on this? No.
See me after.
Did you save me a biscuit? He's got three chocolate fingers under his helmet.
That's a clever trick.
Rose, let's hear your report on the Barber twins - that's if you've had any time to do any work.
The Barber twins.
What did they do? They attacked and racially abused a vulnerable man and stabbed and set fire to a pensioner.
These teenage lads are animals.
They're ten-year-old girls.
PHONE RINGS All phones should be off.
PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Turn it off now and your old lady will know you dropped the call.
RINGING CONTINUES PHONE BEEPS Now, no pressure to buy any of these products, Martin.
I just sell them for a mate.
It's a cheeky sideline.
But if you do find something you like, you get a 15% discount.
Now, let's have a look at that barnet.
Ah-hah.
Ever heard of hair putty? You know, I know all about hair product, Nat.
Believe it or not, this was once a choppy mullet.
I used to be a New Romantic.
And now you're an old romantic.
Well, not so much since the wife passed away, but Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Martin.
You need to get yourself on Match.
com.
Oh, no.
I'm like a Titi monkey.
Pardon? We mate for life, and I've got a big red bottom.
I'm joking.
Oh.
PHONE RINGS Do you want me to get that? Oh, yes.
Yes.
'Hello' Hello.
Elm Heath Children's Services.
'Hello, I need to speak to the board trustee.
' KNOCK AT DOOR Rhona Jones? Rose Denby, social services.
May I come in, please? I don't fucking believe it.
It took a little while for the penny to drop, but no wonder it rung a bell.
So you married him, eh? Not content with shagging my boyfriend behind my back.
He was gagging to get away from you.
You were my friend.
I had nothing.
You had it all - a flat, a job, a gorgeous bloke with a motorbike.
Yeah, so while I was slogging my guts out on earlies, you were in my bed having sex with him.
Oh, and I'd forgotten this.
You bastards chucked me out! We gave you the motorbike.
You gave me chlamydia - I didn't want the fucking motorbike! It was worth a few grand.
Good, because I lobbed it in the canal.
Anyway, you won in the end.
You got Andy.
HE INHALES Hello, Rose.
Oh, my God.
MACHINE HISSES PHONE RINGS That much? Jesus.
How much for six? You can order roses cheap online.
Yeah, maybe when you're not at work.
It has not expired! I just used it in Costcutter! Bollocks! PHONE BEEPS Oh I could deliver some flowers to Caitlin if you want? In fact, they've got a two-for-one offer at the service station down the road.
Yeah, yeah.
That will win her back(!) A total stranger who looks like he's stuck his face in a plug socket rocks up on her doorstep with a bunch of shitty carnations.
Perfect(!) Sorry, sorry I'm really stressed.
Oh, that's all right, Al.
I know you're hurting.
But, by the way, I wouldn't have taken carnations.
They smell of sadness and marzipan.
Why do blokes always think a bouquet will sort all their crap out? Yeah, I'm proud to say I've never bought a woman flowers.
What am I supposed to do? Caitlin won't even return my calls.
With pretty bloody good reason, Al.
That's you, isn't it? Nan, I'm hungry! All right, hang on a minute.
MACHINE HISSES TV: 'Are you on e-mail?' MACHINE HISSES HISSING CONTINUES Oi.
HE WHEEZES So, this is a bit of a surprise.
I'll say.
Last time I saw you, you were balls deep in Rhona.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY You broke my heart, you bastard.
It took me ages to get over you.
HE COUGHS Come and sit in the other room.
Come on, take your tablets.
HE GROANS Have you heard of the code of ethics? Social workers must establish appropriate boundaries and not abuse their position for personal benefit, financial gain or sexual exploitation.
But But? I'm looking forward to seeing where your but's going.
But nothing happened! I'm in a relationship with Caitlin - why would I risk throwing that away? You weren't thinking with your head, you were thinking with your Please don't say cock.
We can't take the risk.
We? Me and Denise.
All right.
Dob us in.
Grass us up.
But please be aware that, "making an audiovisual recording of "a colleague without their written permission is cause for "serious disciplinary action.
" Can I just? I don't remember that bit.
Have a Bourbon.
I don't want a Bourbon, Al.
Give my regards to Denise while she's sucking you off.
MACHINE HISSES Are you going to take the kids away from us? What's going on here? Where's their mum? She's back in rehab trying to get clean again.
She's a smackhead, Rose - lies, cheats, steals from us.
We just couldn't cope any more.
What about the dad? Overdosed a year ago.
Wanker.
He was the one that got her into it.
You need some support.
Are the older children even going to school? Some days, but when Andy's bad, I can't leave him.
He's really sick.
The problem is, if I plug this into the system, then it's out of my hands.
The kids could be taken into care.
You must be loving this.
Oh, yeah, obviously I really get my kicks out of taking innocent children away from families(!) I'll tell you what I'm going to do, all right? Is I'm going to try and source you some alternative assistance, OK? I don't need no more fucking helplines and discussion groups.
I need someone to go to Lidl's.
These charities are good.
I want you to ring them and talk to them, OK? I'm leaving you these numbers.
If I come back on Monday and you haven't contacted anyone, I'm going to show no mercy.
These kids cannot carry on living like this.
All right, now, this one here, OK? Like, a mate of mine runs that, all right? And they offer practical help, so make sure he contacts them, OK? Thank you.
You didn't have to.
No, you're right there.
I nearly went next door, sat on his face and put him out of his misery.
KEYPAD BEEPS Are you all right? You look like you've swallowed a knacker's bumhole.
Cheers.
PHONE RINGS What's the intel on the Jones family? Are they section 17? Do we need to mobilise? No, we just need to keep an eye out.
I'm keeping an eye out, Rose for your bullshit.
Oh.
PHONE RINGS Hello? Nitin's on the warpath.
I think I managed to shut him down with my superior knowledge of the code of ethics rule book.
What? You mean you read that? Of course not - I just made some shit up.
PHONE BEEPS KEYPAD BEEPS What are you doing? This way, come on.
Look, I'm sorry.
I did a bad thing, but we really miss you.
Give Al the flowers.
Thank you, little fella.
Well, I'm going to give these to your mummy, because she deserves them.
When a man does something nice, he normally wants something, baby.
I don't want anything, I just want you to go away, OK? In the nicest way possible.
I thought you cared.
Look, it's my job to provide appropriate advice, and support and resources.
It's not my job to It's not my job to care.
Oh I've had more interesting reports from my daughter's primary school.
You have one week to come in here and give me some proper dirt.
Right.
Sorry.
I have to let people go, and if you're not careful, it's going to be you.
Now, piss off.
And Nitin, change your shirt - it looks like a mouse has done a shit in the pocket.
Oh, what? See you tomorrow.
So you managed to persuade Lee to take the kids? We compromised.
He's giving them tea at mine and I said then he could go on his posh-twats weekend.
Oh, it's not like you to compromise.
Thank you.
Oh, I don't know, maybe Lee's not so bad.
I've had worse boyfriends.
Shove them out, that's it.
Kids, Lee! I'm home.
Just be a bit careful Mum, Dad's teaching us how to cook chips! Oh, how brilliant! You need to get back in the kitchen! That's right, then.
Just flip them up on the tray.
Where is he? Move them around with your hand, it doesn't matter.
They won't be too hot.
Hiya! # People, they ain't no good # I think that's well understood # You can see it everywhere you look People just ain't no good
What's the recommended alcohol allowance 'for a 12-year-old?' 'I don't think you understand.
She's got a zombie knife.
'We're trapped in the staffroom.
' 'My boyfriend says he'll hurt me 'because I won't do anal, like it is in porn.
' It wasn't blocked when I left the house, OK? So you must have Help! I got to go.
I'm at work.
Morning, Al.
Morning, Martin.
Diary, please.
Diary.
And what a beautiful morning it is too.
Yeah.
I woke up, looked out the window and I thought, "You don't get many of those to the pound.
" Headset.
Headset.
Have you changed the door code again, Martin? Yes, I was a little worried about security.
That's very thoughtful, but we do need to let the people in who actually work here.
Hmm.
Desk.
Desk, yes.
Just Yes, desk, all yours, sir.
Thank you.
BANGING ON DOOR PHONE RINGS Oh, Caitlin.
Morning! There's a plunger under the sink.
Look, I'll do it when I get home.
OK? Al! We need to sort the door code, and that breaches many multiple protocols.
It's either "many" or "multiple", not both.
Just answer the phone, Nitin.
I am on a call.
Yeah, to your girlfriend, Al, so sort that out.
Yeah.
Just shut the lid, spray some Febreze around.
I'll sort it out later.
Yeah, I love you too.
Nitin, answer the phone! Where's the temp? We were promised a temp.
Ta-da! It's me again.
Yeah, thought.
Al, it's Nat, the temp from last year.
No, not temp now.
We're not called temps any more.
We're called interim workers, like sex workers, but without the intercourse.
Good.
Good to know.
So, homies, what's all the bantz? Sorry, what? The Gossip Goblin is back.
Oh, well, Nitin is still here and he's still irritating.
Who? Nitin.
BANGING ON DOOR Oh, hang on, you're the one who wears drip-dry trousers.
Morning.
You're late, Rose Denby.
Shit, sorry.
PHONE RINGS Ta-da! It's me again.
It's her again.
Are you the one that couldn't figure out the phone system? I don't think so.
Could you answer the phone, then, please? Yes.
Hello, Children's 'I want to speak to a social worker' .
.
something.
'It's not fair on the kids' Yeah, I got it.
Kids in care of grandmother.
Hungry and dirty.
Sure they're not calling about your kids? Yeah, I got that too.
'Right, thank you.
' Thanks.
Bye.
Can I go back to bed now? Britain First slagging off the Muslims next door? Refreshingly no, but it's early days yet.
Have we got anything on a Jones family.
Jones? You might have to marry the brief.
Rhona Jones? 65 Nelson Way? I'll run a DSC, database speed check.
How long since they kicked you out the police force? Do you still think you're in The Wire? FYI, I left the Met to retrain.
It didn't leave me.
Unlike all your girlfriends.
'Is that children's services, is it? Yeah? Well' Excuse me.
'.
.
and look after my kids while I'm on holiday, OK?' BANGING ON DOOR .
.
You think they might be unsupervised? BANGING INTENSIFIES Nitin! Get the door.
I'm on a call.
So am I, Al, and we don't accept walk-ins.
Yes, I know that and you know that, but whoever is hammering on the bloody door obviously doesn't know that.
I am going to call you back in five minutes.
Where's Nat? HE WHEEZES Calum, how many times have I told you? Stop doing the bloody duct tape challenge.
OK, has anybody got an implement of some sort.
Here.
Oh! Ingrid! Are you OK? I'll be fine.
I thought you had an operation today.
That's tomorrow.
By lunchtime, I'll no longer be a woman.
Are you transitioning? Hysterectomy.
CALUM MUMBLES OK, Calum! I wish you'd get off YouTube.
Cut it off him.
Where? I don't know.
Here, or something.
It just keeps ringing and I've got to type It will keep ringing.
You just need to press the button that I told you to press, and then say, "Children's Services.
How may I direct your call?" It's very simple.
Then you connect to the person.
All the names, I have written them for you.
OK.
Al, Rose, Nitin.
Al, Rose, Nitin.
No, just say, "Children's Services.
How may I direct your call?" Children's Services.
How may I direct your call? Press the button with my name.
He's here, actually.
They want to talk to you now.
Connect it to me.
Connect it.
I can't talk to them at the desk.
I'll put a headset on for privacy.
He's got to put a headset Just connect it! Sorry.
Just connect it to my name.
Disconnect it? Not that it's any of my biswas, Rose, but Al's fiancee seems particularly needy this morning.
Quorn IS vegan.
Isn't it? It is.
I think it serves him right for punching above his weight.
I took the precaution of marrying a man who was grateful that a woman would have sex with him for free.
Another espresso, Al? Yeah.
Yeah.
Rose, why is Martin still here? He's signed off sick.
So? 50% of the workforce are always off sick.
He helps us out.
He shouldn't be here.
Where's he supposed to go? I mean, it's not like there's a luxury spa for stressed social workers.
Do HR know that he's still coming in? What are you complaining about? You just ordered a cappuccino.
No, I didn't, Rose.
Was it a latte? Sorry to interrupt the coffee morning.
Nite-in, could I see you in my office, please? Yes, Denise.
Ma'am.
Nite-in, I'm not actually the Queen, but if you insist, it's "ma'am" as in "ham".
Right you are, ma'am.
And it's Nitin, not Nite-in.
Don't take the piss.
What are you doing tonight, Rose? Are you having a night out or a Nite-in? A Nite-in, I thought.
You? Yeah, OK, that's borderline racist so I might just tell your superior during our meeting.
Are you a little bit nervous? Ooh, what's the headmistress going to do? Is she going to give you a spanky-spanky? Ssh! I need to go to the toilet.
Can you tell her if she comes out looking for me, please? Hi.
Hiya.
We can really let anyone in without permission.
I was going to call, but some idiot kept cocking it up and putting me on to Elderly Care.
Is Al here? Al? Remind me.
He's got twinkly eyes and a sort of lovely smile? Hello, anyone called Al in this office? Apart from me(?) Hiya.
Twinkly eyes, lovely smile? How are you? I'm fine.
And you're back here because I was passing through the area.
Really? Now, I'm going to take this in the meeting room.
In future, only authorised personnel in the inner office.
HE EXHALES Oh, it should be computerised.
Jones, Jones Oh, Jesus! I'm looking for anything to do with Rhona Jones.
I'm convinced we had dealings way back.
It's really starting to bug me.
She wasn't that chemistry teacher who was getting the kids to make LSD, was she? No, that was Mona.
Oh! And it was ecstasy.
Well, at least it felt more like ecstasy to me.
Rose? Martin, last time I had Class A, I ended up married to Lee.
Come.
Sit down.
I am tasked with creating streamlined cluster teams.
Ideally, I'd ask your superior, Ingrid, to do this but, as we all know, she's having a procedure, thank Christ.
I couldn't stand another day of the mooncalf face and hysterectomy stoop.
Got it.
Martin, you look extremely hot.
Thank you.
Oh No, I had to I ran up the stairs because the toilet Poor timekeepers, clients on lists of cases that are closed, slow responses will not be tolerated.
Music to my ears.
Observe your colleagues and write me a report.
Who's value for money and, more crucially, who isn't.
And don't let personal allegiances and friendships get in the way.
Trust me, I won't.
I don't have any.
Anne-Marie, we closed your case months ago.
Why are you here? Is Charlie OK? Oh, he's not called Charlie any more.
I thought it might have negative associations when he's older.
So, what's he called, then? Al.
Oh, I didn't name him after you.
Short forLittle Alfie.
Is there anything specific that you wanted? Oh, yeah.
I Al Jr, he wanted to invite you to his birthday party.
Anne-Marie, I was your social worker.
I'm not his father.
Oh, no, no, no.
He doesn't think you are.
PHONE RINGS You see him twice as much as he sees his real father.
Sorry.
It'd break his heart if you don't.
Take the call, walk away, don't mind me(!) No, no, no, no, it's just a client.
It's an ex-client, actually.
It's nothing important.
Oh, fucking thanks.
What? You've been on my computer? Cait? Look, if this is about my search history, I can completely explain that I haven't defriended you.
I don't know what you're talking about.
(I'm just going to go for a smoke.
) Cait? Cait! Cait! Someone must've hacked my account.
Look, I'll call you back.
Oh, shit.
That's been in there a couple of weeks, actually.
I wouldn't eat it.
Yum.
INGRID SIGHS All right, Ing? Oh, yes, all good.
I'm just wondering what it's going to be like, being womb-less.
Come along, Ingrid.
It's not just the lady-pipes that makes the woman.
It's personality.
Here she is, the phantom of the fridge.
What the fuck are you doing here, Lee? And why are you dressed like a children's TV presenter from 1986? And a very good morning to you too, Rosie.
I need to talk to you.
Ouch! Ow.
Bollocks! How did you even do this? I guessed your password and I've got an app.
You have to take this down.
Have you got an app for that? Oh, chill out.
Calm down.
It hasn't been up that long.
I was just having a laugh.
It's not funny.
OK? I could lose my job.
My fiance thinks it's hilarious(!) Fiancee? That old wagon? You need someone who really loves you.
She does love me.
She's fiery, OK? She comes from a fiery family.
Yeah, so do I.
My brother's doing 12 months for arson.
I'm joking, I'm joking.
He wasn't convicted.
They never found him.
I never know when you're being serious or not.
Just get it off this, OK? Get it off the Facebook, get it out of the Cloud, get it off of the world wide whatever the fuck it is.
Make it go away.
Done.
Really? Is that it? Yeah.
OK, thank you.
You can't come round here any more.
What? It's not a drop-in centre.
Your case is closed.
OK? You no longer meet the needs thresholds.
But there's loads of things I still need.
What? Like car insurance.
You've got a car now? No, but only cos I don't have any insurance.
Look You've been through hell, OK? But you survived, so you should be proud of yourself.
Oh All right, come on.
You promised you'd have them for the weekend.
You can't let the kids down again.
Letting you down, more like.
What have you got planned that's so important? A night in, cuddling up to a bottle of £6 Cava? Look, I've got to go and help Mum, OK? A rat has gnawed through her toilet pipe.
Euphemism? No.
She is knee deep in faecally constituted water.
She can't deal with it.
Well, I've been invited away from the weekend, a house party in the Cotswolds.
Is that why you're dressed like a knob? No, it's just a different look.
I've changed.
You've met someone, and you've just come here deliberately to rub my nose in it! Rose, you are aware you've got a management meeting in four minutes? Hello, I am Rose's ex-husband.
We're not technically divorced yet.
Personal visit.
You know the rules, Rose.
Fuck off, Nitin.
LIFT CHIMES Thank you, everyone.
This is PC Harris, and to my right is Cass, our team psychologist.
So, if we're quorate, Alastair, would you like to bring us up-to-date, please? Is that Alastair with an A or an I? Both.
Aliastiair? Just put Al.
Shouldn't we all have code numbers instead? It's simpler.
I've got one already.
PC 237TA.
What does the TA stand for? Total arsehole.
No, actually.
TA indicates the borough.
We'll just use personal initials, Natalie.
Where is RD? R who? Rose Denby.
She's dealing with a very tricky client.
I thought it was her husband? DOOR OPENS I'm very sorry I'm late, I couldn't find any info on this Jones family.
Though I trust you sorted the domestic arrangements with your husband? You know the rules on bringing personal issues into the workplace.
We're having some very bad press on this matter.
I'm very sorry, Denise.
Don't minute that, OK.
I'm still writing down the badge number.
Sorry, can we move this along a bit? I need to get away early.
Are you going anywhere nice? Young offenders institution.
Attempted suicide.
Alastair, can we get that update, please, on the family with sibling sexual? Ma'am, should I sit in on this? No.
See me after.
Did you save me a biscuit? He's got three chocolate fingers under his helmet.
That's a clever trick.
Rose, let's hear your report on the Barber twins - that's if you've had any time to do any work.
The Barber twins.
What did they do? They attacked and racially abused a vulnerable man and stabbed and set fire to a pensioner.
These teenage lads are animals.
They're ten-year-old girls.
PHONE RINGS All phones should be off.
PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Turn it off now and your old lady will know you dropped the call.
RINGING CONTINUES PHONE BEEPS Now, no pressure to buy any of these products, Martin.
I just sell them for a mate.
It's a cheeky sideline.
But if you do find something you like, you get a 15% discount.
Now, let's have a look at that barnet.
Ah-hah.
Ever heard of hair putty? You know, I know all about hair product, Nat.
Believe it or not, this was once a choppy mullet.
I used to be a New Romantic.
And now you're an old romantic.
Well, not so much since the wife passed away, but Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Martin.
You need to get yourself on Match.
com.
Oh, no.
I'm like a Titi monkey.
Pardon? We mate for life, and I've got a big red bottom.
I'm joking.
Oh.
PHONE RINGS Do you want me to get that? Oh, yes.
Yes.
'Hello' Hello.
Elm Heath Children's Services.
'Hello, I need to speak to the board trustee.
' KNOCK AT DOOR Rhona Jones? Rose Denby, social services.
May I come in, please? I don't fucking believe it.
It took a little while for the penny to drop, but no wonder it rung a bell.
So you married him, eh? Not content with shagging my boyfriend behind my back.
He was gagging to get away from you.
You were my friend.
I had nothing.
You had it all - a flat, a job, a gorgeous bloke with a motorbike.
Yeah, so while I was slogging my guts out on earlies, you were in my bed having sex with him.
Oh, and I'd forgotten this.
You bastards chucked me out! We gave you the motorbike.
You gave me chlamydia - I didn't want the fucking motorbike! It was worth a few grand.
Good, because I lobbed it in the canal.
Anyway, you won in the end.
You got Andy.
HE INHALES Hello, Rose.
Oh, my God.
MACHINE HISSES PHONE RINGS That much? Jesus.
How much for six? You can order roses cheap online.
Yeah, maybe when you're not at work.
It has not expired! I just used it in Costcutter! Bollocks! PHONE BEEPS Oh I could deliver some flowers to Caitlin if you want? In fact, they've got a two-for-one offer at the service station down the road.
Yeah, yeah.
That will win her back(!) A total stranger who looks like he's stuck his face in a plug socket rocks up on her doorstep with a bunch of shitty carnations.
Perfect(!) Sorry, sorry I'm really stressed.
Oh, that's all right, Al.
I know you're hurting.
But, by the way, I wouldn't have taken carnations.
They smell of sadness and marzipan.
Why do blokes always think a bouquet will sort all their crap out? Yeah, I'm proud to say I've never bought a woman flowers.
What am I supposed to do? Caitlin won't even return my calls.
With pretty bloody good reason, Al.
That's you, isn't it? Nan, I'm hungry! All right, hang on a minute.
MACHINE HISSES TV: 'Are you on e-mail?' MACHINE HISSES HISSING CONTINUES Oi.
HE WHEEZES So, this is a bit of a surprise.
I'll say.
Last time I saw you, you were balls deep in Rhona.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY You broke my heart, you bastard.
It took me ages to get over you.
HE COUGHS Come and sit in the other room.
Come on, take your tablets.
HE GROANS Have you heard of the code of ethics? Social workers must establish appropriate boundaries and not abuse their position for personal benefit, financial gain or sexual exploitation.
But But? I'm looking forward to seeing where your but's going.
But nothing happened! I'm in a relationship with Caitlin - why would I risk throwing that away? You weren't thinking with your head, you were thinking with your Please don't say cock.
We can't take the risk.
We? Me and Denise.
All right.
Dob us in.
Grass us up.
But please be aware that, "making an audiovisual recording of "a colleague without their written permission is cause for "serious disciplinary action.
" Can I just? I don't remember that bit.
Have a Bourbon.
I don't want a Bourbon, Al.
Give my regards to Denise while she's sucking you off.
MACHINE HISSES Are you going to take the kids away from us? What's going on here? Where's their mum? She's back in rehab trying to get clean again.
She's a smackhead, Rose - lies, cheats, steals from us.
We just couldn't cope any more.
What about the dad? Overdosed a year ago.
Wanker.
He was the one that got her into it.
You need some support.
Are the older children even going to school? Some days, but when Andy's bad, I can't leave him.
He's really sick.
The problem is, if I plug this into the system, then it's out of my hands.
The kids could be taken into care.
You must be loving this.
Oh, yeah, obviously I really get my kicks out of taking innocent children away from families(!) I'll tell you what I'm going to do, all right? Is I'm going to try and source you some alternative assistance, OK? I don't need no more fucking helplines and discussion groups.
I need someone to go to Lidl's.
These charities are good.
I want you to ring them and talk to them, OK? I'm leaving you these numbers.
If I come back on Monday and you haven't contacted anyone, I'm going to show no mercy.
These kids cannot carry on living like this.
All right, now, this one here, OK? Like, a mate of mine runs that, all right? And they offer practical help, so make sure he contacts them, OK? Thank you.
You didn't have to.
No, you're right there.
I nearly went next door, sat on his face and put him out of his misery.
KEYPAD BEEPS Are you all right? You look like you've swallowed a knacker's bumhole.
Cheers.
PHONE RINGS What's the intel on the Jones family? Are they section 17? Do we need to mobilise? No, we just need to keep an eye out.
I'm keeping an eye out, Rose for your bullshit.
Oh.
PHONE RINGS Hello? Nitin's on the warpath.
I think I managed to shut him down with my superior knowledge of the code of ethics rule book.
What? You mean you read that? Of course not - I just made some shit up.
PHONE BEEPS KEYPAD BEEPS What are you doing? This way, come on.
Look, I'm sorry.
I did a bad thing, but we really miss you.
Give Al the flowers.
Thank you, little fella.
Well, I'm going to give these to your mummy, because she deserves them.
When a man does something nice, he normally wants something, baby.
I don't want anything, I just want you to go away, OK? In the nicest way possible.
I thought you cared.
Look, it's my job to provide appropriate advice, and support and resources.
It's not my job to It's not my job to care.
Oh I've had more interesting reports from my daughter's primary school.
You have one week to come in here and give me some proper dirt.
Right.
Sorry.
I have to let people go, and if you're not careful, it's going to be you.
Now, piss off.
And Nitin, change your shirt - it looks like a mouse has done a shit in the pocket.
Oh, what? See you tomorrow.
So you managed to persuade Lee to take the kids? We compromised.
He's giving them tea at mine and I said then he could go on his posh-twats weekend.
Oh, it's not like you to compromise.
Thank you.
Oh, I don't know, maybe Lee's not so bad.
I've had worse boyfriends.
Shove them out, that's it.
Kids, Lee! I'm home.
Just be a bit careful Mum, Dad's teaching us how to cook chips! Oh, how brilliant! You need to get back in the kitchen! That's right, then.
Just flip them up on the tray.
Where is he? Move them around with your hand, it doesn't matter.
They won't be too hot.
Hiya! # People, they ain't no good # I think that's well understood # You can see it everywhere you look People just ain't no good