Dan Vs. (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

Ican't believe how much I hate everything.
( knocking on door ) ( chorus sings ) Hi, Dan.
I just moved in next door.
I'm a supermodel.
( whip cracks ) I don't care who the lRS sends.
I am not paying taxes.
( laughs ) You're cute and so clever.
If you kiss me, I'll make you pancakes.
- ( shrieks ) - ( alarm clock ringing ) Oh, come on! ( glass breaks ) I can almost taste those pancakes.
Ahh.
Aah! Oof! Ah! No supermodel, no pancakes.
Pfft, reality.
Why can't I wake up from this? - ( distant dogs barking ) - ( gasps ) My car! Three long scratches.
( distant dogs barking ) Coarse gray fur.
( sniffs, spits ) Paw prints! Deductive reasoning leads me to the conclusion that there is only one possible culprit-- Wolf-Man! ( wolf howls ) ( birds chirping ) ( cell phone rings ) ( cell phone ringing ) Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone! Are you screening this call? No one screens me! - I will not be screened.
- ( sighs ) Hello? - Chris, get over here.
- Dan.
I thought your court-ordered evaluation was today.
I'm not going.
I have been wronged.
- Again? - I can't believe it either.
- I demand vengeance.
- Who is it this time? The worst, most devious subhuman of them all.
- The mailman? - Close.
The Wolf-Man.
The Wolf-Man? Like from the movies? Like the movies, but a real one.
- Uh-huh.
- Just get over here.
Yeah, I told Elise I wouldn't help you with revenge anymore, - so-- - Get over here right now! ( cell phone rings ) Dan: I said now! Hey, Elise, do you need anything from the store? Was that Dan on the phone? Yeah.
He says he's been wronged.
Who is it this time? The, uh Wolf-Man.
- I know.
- So you're going? Well, you told me you didn't want me helping Dan with his missions of vengeance anymore.
I just said you shouldn't let Dan push you around.
You can go if you want.
Well, in that case, I'd better go.
Dan said to get over there right now.
- ( sighs ) Have fun.
- Love you! - Don't do anything - ( door slams ) stupid.
- What took you so long? - Nice to see you too.
Stupid Wolf-Man.
I'll get you.
There's no such thing as a Wolf-Man, Dan.
How could you be so naive? Look at the fur.
- Look at the paw prints.
- ( dogs barking ) There's an animal shelter right there.
Look.
Chris: Those are sneaker prints.
- Exactly.
- Exactly what? What wears shoes, but also has paws? The Wolf-Man.
So you're saying that the Wolf-Man's a jogger.
He's an evil beast with an unsavory blood lust.
Of course he jogs.
If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints? Obviously he runs like this.
( growling ) He doesn't run like that in movies.
This isn't the movies! This is real life! Stop living in a fantasy world! The Wolf-Man scratched my car, and he must pay - next month! - Why next month? Next full moon.
Don't you watch movies? So what are we doing today? Nothing.
Go home.
( door slams ) No revenge today? Nah, it got pushed back to next month.
- Full moon and everything.
- Makes sense, sort of.
Oh, I should have said that.
That wouldn't work.
Too subtle.
( owl hooting ) ( woman screams ) ( kids laughing ) ( cell phone rings ) It's the full moon again tonight.
Get over here.
It's Halloween.
What? So? So I'm handing out candy with Elise.
Chris, did you just eat all the candy again? Uh, yes.
If I bring more candy out, will it last If I bring more candy out, will it last until the trick-or-treaters get here? Uh I can't guarantee that.
Is that Dan on the phone? Dan: Is that Elise? Don't tell her it's me.
- How did you know? - Dan: Snitch! We're the only two people that call you.
Why don't you go help him? - Dan: Sweet! Get over here! - ( kisses ) Can I take some candy with me? Never mind.
I don't need your help.
The situation is under control.
- Boy: Help! - Quiet! - Who's that? - The Wolf-Man.
I caught him.
- You caught him? - Mission accomplished.
- Boy: Help! - Quiet! You can go.
( grunts ) Oh, Dan, this is not okay.
What isn't okay? I caught the Wolf-Man.
This isn't the Wolf-Man! Dan, you caught a trick-or-treater.
Of course he's the Wolf-Man.
Look at him.
Does he have claws? No.
So how did he scratch your car? Maybe he grows claws.
Dan, there's no such thing as the Wolf-Man! - Of course there is! - There is not! I want to go home! - Quiet! - Quiet! You can't go kidnapping children.
And,you, don'tyou know not to go trick-or-treating without an adult? Yeah, there's a lot of crazies out there.
You could end up on a milk carton.
( laughing ) - Awfully sorry about this.
- ( boy scoffs ) Ow! ( groans ) Well, at least you're here to help me with the-- Wolf-Man! There he is! - Get him! - Trick or-- - Aah! - Aah! Dan, stop! That's a yeti.
Help me! He's reverting to human form.
- Aah! - Hmm? Oh, right.
I'm a cop.
Hey! - ( siren blares ) - ( cell door clangs ) ( rats squeaking ) This is much nicer than the last jail I was in.
- That's very reassuring.
- Don't get snippy.
All right.
Now, which one of you is Chris? - That's me, sir.
- Okay.
So we have a wallet, keys, a comb Why do you have a comb? Your hair is boring.
a locket with a picture in it Hey, that's not me.
three bouillon cubes-- two beef, one chicken.
Really? There might be a soup-related emergency.
Do you mind? I got a lot on my plate and I don't need to be spending all day with a couple of knuckleheads like you two.
Oh, yeah? What do you got going on that's so important? I'm in the middle of a book I'd like to finish sometime this year.
Good book.
Not all of it works, though.
Now what else? Okay, so are you Dan? - Give me my stuff.
- Okay.
We got an enemies list and several expletive-laced letters to someone named Grandma.
Also I feel I should warn you that you are way past the legal limit on pocket lint.
What I do in the privacy of my pockets is my business alone.
You can't treat me like this.
I know people who pay taxes.
And where are my knucks? Brass knuckles are illegal in California and the rest of the country.
They've been confiscated.
Confiscated? Confiscated? Dan, don't.
Confiscated?! I can't believe this! Those were a gift from my mother.
How dare you?! I'm going to confiscate this water.
- ( ding ) - What's going on here? How dare you?! Well, I'm confiscating this and this, and I'm confiscating your hat.
Sir, do not reach for my hat.
( blows raspberry ) ( groans ) ( groaning ) Well, that was completely humiliating.
It wasn't my fault.
That guy was being difficult.
Andwhosefaultwas it that we were jailed for assaulting a minor? Okay, so maybe the kid wasn't the Wolf-Man.
- Maybe? - Okay, probably.
There.
Are you happy now? What about this situation would make me happy? ( electricity crackles, pops ) I am so tired.
That is just like you.
One minor run-in with the law, and you're set to give up.
Not me, pal.
Give up? Now I'm going to drop you off and go to bed.
And lettheWolf-Man roamfree? - Oh, for the last time - ( howling ) - there is no-- - Shh.
Did you hear that? Ugh.
Probably a dog.
Drive north.
North, you monkey! ( tires squealing ) ( cars honking ) ( cars honking ) - ( tires squeal ) - Ow! Oh, come on.
How can there be a traffic jam at this hour? Halloween.
Normal people are coming back from costume parties, not police stations.
- I hate everyone.
- You don't hate everyone.
I do.
I hate everyone.
All that anger's not good for you, you know.
- It's eating you alive.
- You know what you can eat? I don't have to be out here driving you around, you know.
I've got better things to do than looking for mythical creatures.
He's not mythical.
He scrat-- I have put up with an awful lot.
My car-- he scratched my car.
I have put up with an awful lot from you on this stupid quest of yours, but no more.
I'm out.
You're stupid.
Next time, you should have one of your other friends help you.
- Like who? - I don't know.
- How about your friend Ted? - He's not talking to me right now.
You know, people struggling with dangerous-- That's him! Wolf-Man: Hmm? ( snarling ) ( howling ) That's the Wolf-Man.
Come on, get after him! Pretend he's a sandwich.
What kind of sandwich? Chris: Watch out! Stop it! - Let go! - You let go.
It's my car.
We're going to lose him.
- Then let me drive.
- Fine! ( panting ) ( yelps ) ( both gasp ) ( growling ) ( roaring ) - Aah! - Aah! ( yelps ) What are you doing? Get after him! I can't move.
( groans ) You are coming back, right? Wolf-Man.
Come out to play.
Wolf-Man.
Wolf-Man.
Wolf-Man.
You didn't have to ditch me.
I think we both know that I did.
You froze.
You let the team down.
- The team? - Team Dan.
Did you at least catch the Wolf-Man? No, jerk-face, I didn't catch the Wolf-Man.
I lost him on Laurel Canyon, thanks to your freezing up like a bed-wetter in winter.
Where could he have gone? He probably lives around there somewhere.
Next full moon, that's where we'll start.
So we try again in a month.
No.
Go home.
Find silver.
We need silver to stop the Wolf-Man.
Come back with as much silver as you can find.
And a cupcake.
You are, like, the slowest driver in the world.
"Thanks for helping me, Chris.
" "Momina-momina, Chris.
" Give me your silver.
This is it? I told you to bring me all the silver you could find, and you bring me one lousy coin? Yeah, and I'm actually going to need that back.
It's kind of a family heirloom.
It was my great-great-grandfather's Iucky silver-- hey, D-- hey, Dan! Knock it off.
I need silver to wound the Wolf-Man.
It's part of my plan.
I'll give it back later.
But it'll be destroyed.
Stop the whining already.
( whimpers ) ( power tool whirs ) ( crackling ) Yes.
That will do nicely.
In one month's time, this will pierce the flesh of the Wolf-Man.
( laughing evilly ) ( thunder crashes ) That's odd.
It's not even raining.
( sizzles ) Oh! Hot! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
Do you even own a bow? Nope but I know where to get one.
( owl hooting ) - I still don't feel right about this.
- Keep digging.
I mean, I've done some questionable things before, but this feels like grave robbing.
Plus I've heard this place is haunted.
God, it's not haunted.
Besides, do you know a better place to find a bow? A sporting goods store, just off the top of my head.
A sporting goods store, just off the top of my head.
I don't have any money.
Besides, shut up.
- ( crunches ) - ( Chris screams ) Oh, gross.
A skull.
Let me see.
Cool.
Yeah.
( Chris murmuring ) - Finally.
- Ahh.
Ah, you got it? No thanks to you, Sleeping Ugly.
Now drive me home.
( groans ) What time is it? ( sighs ) I'm supposed to have breakfast with Elise and her parents.
I've been up all night.
I'm covered in dirt.
I'm going to be completely dead in the morning.
Not as dead as they are.
Oh, no.
Run! ( roaring ) In your face, Neolithic indigenous zombies! Dan, don't taunt the undead.
- See you in about a month.
- I guess.
Enjoy your stupid breakfast.
( Chris snoring ) He's been, uh, working really hard.
Hmmph.
Mom, Dad, watch.
He does a really cool trick.
( Chris chomping ) See? ( nervous chuckle ) - ( Chris burps ) - ( Don sniffs ) ( owl hooting ) Man, I hate coffee.
- Why did you get it? - I used their bathroom.
What does using their bathroom have to do with anything? Bathrooms are for customers only, Chris.
Okay, but why did you get coffee? We're on a stakeout.
You have to have coffee on a stakeout.
Tell me how it's possible to have a stakeout and not have a Styrofoam cup of joe.
Whatever.
Could we just drop it? - Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
I still hate coffee.
- Fine.
I don't care.
Can we please stop talking about the coffee? Fine! - These donuts suck.
- Then stop eating them! And why did we have to take my car? Do you know how expensive gas is? - It's like seven bucks a gallon.
- Right.
That's my point.
- This is your revenge.
- ( howling ) You should at least chip in for-- Shh! Let's roll.
- ( sizzles ) - Aah! Hot coffee! - ( screaming ) - Chris: All over the car! - Dan: Drive! - ( engine starts ) - ( bicycle bell rings ) - Oh, no! I ran over another cyclist.
Don't stop.
Drive! I should probably at least see if the guy's okay.
He's fine.
I saw him get up.
- Really? - Absolutely.
- ( siren blaring ) - Ooh.
He is not fine.
Yeah.
He won't be getting up for a long time.
He's close.
I can sense his presence.
You can't sense his presence.
I can so.
Shut up.
Mmm.
Tacos.
I told you I could sense him.
Get close.
( yelps ) - Chris, drive! - Right.
Keep it steady, buddy.
We only have one shot at this.
Fetch this, Fido.
- ( howls ) - Good shot! We got him now.
Stop here.
I knew if we wounded him, he'd lead us to his home.
His wolf den.
Why do you have to give everything a name? ( elevator dings ) So that's blood? I don't know.
Taste it.
That's blood.
Oh, gross.
Perfect.
( howling ) ( howling echoes ) What maniac shoots a guy in the butt with an arrow? Bunch of filthy animals in this town.
- ( dings ) - ( elevator music playing ) - ( dings ) - ( elevator music playing ) So I guess we need some more silver.
- For what? - You know, to-- you know, kill the Wolf-Man.
Kill him? Yeah, now that we know where he lives.
The guy scratches my car, and you want to kill him? Well, yeah.
He's a menace.
- What are you, a psycho? - No.
I just thought we were-- Shh.
You got some serious anger issues.
You know they have books for that.
( dings ) That's it? You keyed his car? Yep.
Now we're even.
He scratched my car.
I scratched his.
We spent months on this.
We steal from an archeological dig, my car smells like coffee, and my great-great-grandfather's lucky silver dollar has been pounded flat and is now lodged in the right buttock of a werecreature, all so you could key his car.
Yeah.
Wanna hit Burgerphile? No, I don't want-- I just-- How could you-- You know what? I-- - Yeah, okay.
- You're buying.
Oh.
( sighs ) I'm glad that's over with.
No more monsters.
( roars ) ( truck horn honks ) ( dings ) ( howling ) ( theme music playing ) Crowd: Ahh.