Danger Mouse (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

1 CHIEF! # He's the greatest, he's fantastic # Wherever there is danger He'll be there - # He's the ace - The ace - # He's amazing - Amazing # He's the strongest He's the quickest, he's the best # Danger Mouse # Danger Mouse - # Danger Mouse! # - ARGH! London.
City of shining architectural wonders.
The Gherkin.
- The Tennis Racket.
- Coo! And The House Of Cards.
But what's that familiar sound? FANFARE PLAYS Could it be? FWOOSH! CRASH! SMASH! GLASS TINKLES Phew! That was close.
TING KERSMASH! BONG! MUZAK PLAYS BRAKES SQUEAL Grkl-splrt? Vrbl spklr zzbluh! ELECTRICAL WHINE And now, the world's 12th greatest sidekick, Penfold, will speak the first beautifully-constructed line of the new series! HELP! CHIEF! Hang on.
Where on earth is the world's greatest secret agent, Danger Mouse? - Ah-blrk! - BRAKES SCREECH GUNS CLICK This won't take a second.
- PENFOLD: - Chief! Help! BELL CLANGS ARGH! AAARGH! Sorry about that, Penfold.
I know how slow the autopilot can be.
Argh! There it is, Penfold, the Frog's Head Flyer.
Yes, our heroes are in pursuit with the vile viceroy of villainy himself, Baron Silas von Greenback.
Hang on, that's not the Baron! That's Pandaminion! What's he doing in the Baron's trademark vehicle? I bought it on eBay.
This is all very well, but where's Baron Greenback? My next guest was, until recently, the undisputed king of crime and the archenemy of Danger Mouse.
He's a great friend of mine, a great friend of the show's.
Please welcome Baron Silas von Greenback.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Can ve keep zis short? In an hour's time, I have to DESTROY THE WORLD! NERO CACKLES I'm just kidding, just kidding.
My days as an evil genius are over.
Well, the evil bit anyway.
LAUGHTER - Activate the grappling ropes.
- Right, Chief! PEEYOW! SMASH! - I meant the other side, Penfold.
- Well, you should have said! Zese days, I just want to help people.
Zat's why I used all the money I stole to fund my charity, Ex-Enemies Of The Earth.
I've moved on.
Unlike some other people I could mention.
Ahem - Danger Mouse! Hold on, I'm taking a short cut.
CRASH! BANG! BOOM! SMASH! It vas my experiences on ze wrong side of ze law helped me build Greenback Security into ZE MOST POWERFUL COMPANY IN ZE VORLD! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haa! - I'm allowed one "mwa-ha-ha" a day.
- LAUGHTER And I heard that you've developed a great new automated security system.
Er, did you bring a clip? Even better, I've brought an actual model, vhich I'd like to give you as a gift.
CRASH! - BOOM! PENFOLD: - Argh! AUDIENCE SCREAMS Curse you, Danger Mouse! I vill destroy you! AUDIENCE GASPS .
.
is vhat the old Greenback vould have said.
MUSIC: Land Of Hope And Glory I dub you Sir Colonel K.
CRUNCH! Oop! Whoopsie! I've done it again.
No harm done, your Majesty.
Busy day, so I had to send my hologram thingy instead of coming myself.
BOOM! KABOOM! KERSMASH! Activate the liquid disruptor distributors.
Eh? - Fire the splat cannons.
- Ooh, goody! SPLAT! CLUNK! Huh? Oof! Pandaminion take a seat.
Well done, Danger Mouse.
RUMBLING CRASH! KABOOM! Ooh, 'eck! Bad show, DM.
You've destroyed the whole of London for a stolen chair worth ã12.
99.
I thought it might be the Baron.
Greenback's not a villain any more, DM! He said it on a chat show - what more proof do you need?! Colonel, when is the Chief ever wrong? Besides the time he thought that fancy dress party was an alien invasion and blasted the five-year-olds into space, screaming and crying for their mummies, never to return to Probably not the best time to bring that up, Penfold.
The bill to repair the city has bankrupted the Secret Service, AND we've blown the series budget on the special effects! We've even had to ask our narrator to do the incidental music! NARRATOR: # Bam-bam-BAAAAAAM! # Not yet! I'm sorry, DM.
I've been ordered to fire you.
Now! NARRATOR: # Bam-bam-BAAAAAAM! # If you fire Danger Mouse, I shall resign.
Terrible shame.
Where do you work? Umhere? Who's going to save the world, if not me? Bit awkward, DM.
The Baron's given us one of his new automated whatsits as a replacement.
Professor? Has the thingy arrived? I'm unpacking it as we speak.
It's that blasted chase sequence - it cost so much, we're having to share sets.
The Safety Mouse.
Danger Mouse! Turn it on! Turn it on! Security scan first.
Activate iPatch.
And iPatch?! Can I? - Ah! - Ow! Agents only.
I've located the manual.
- GREENBACK: - 'Greenback Security presents Safety Mouse, 'ze latest in international security.
' Danger Mouse! I-a am an evil genius.
I'm a-gonna to rule the world.
Push a-buttons now.
Huh? - Oh.
- FWOOSH! - THUMP-THUMP-THUMP! - Ow.
I 'ave been a-defeated.
'Safety Mouse is made 'from the indestructible metal alloy, Convenientium.
' BEEP WHISTLING CLANG! CRUNCH! 'Safety Mouse is equipped vith its own portable jail.
' Ugh! Wouldn't you rather have a Safety Mouse than a Danger Mouse? Kids? - BOTH: - YAY! YEAH! Can I get out a-now? It even has toaster slots! I'm telling you, Colonel, the Baron's up to something.
The Baron's moved on, DM.
I think it's time someone else did, too.
Um, I'mtalking about you.
Yes, Colonel, I got it.
Er, one last thing.
Your badge.
I can't believe it, Penfold.
A life without life-threatening certain doom.
There's plenty of other jobs you can do.
What about this one? It's got gadgets and hairy monsters.
That sounds OK.
What's the job? - Barber.
- Hmm.
Ha! Eee! Ha! WHOOSH! CRASH! ALARM BEEPS Argh! HE WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY Saving the world's what I do, Penfold.
I've just got to hope the Safety Mice really mess things up.
Reports are coming in from around the globe of the incredible success of the new Safety Mouses Mices? Meeses? Meecicles! ARGH! Ya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Urk! IT SNARLS PSSH! IT DEFLATES NOISILY Yes, the world's most important cities are safer now, all thanks to Baron Greenback's SafetyInvention.
I know the Baron's up to something.
I just can't prove it! Right! No more feeling sorry for yourself.
You're Danger Mouse.
Since when did you need a badge to be a secret agent? I suppose I could be a SECRET secret agent.
Time to do what we do best! Put the kettle on and watch telly? Penfold, we're going in THERE.
CAMERA WHIRS LASERS BUZZ WATER DRIPS Wha? But I just We COULD just take the tour.
Yes, but we'll need to hide our identities.
Luckily, I'm trained to turn anything into a perfect disguise.
Remember, Penfold - blend in.
One question, Chief.
What's an exclamation of surprise, two words - both begin with G? Good grief! Thanks, Chief.
Look, Stiletto's up to no good! HE WHISTLES TUNELESSLY BEEP-BEEP-BEEP You're right.
His whistling is completely off-key.
- Eh? - We need one of those devices.
Er, Chief! Ow! G-Get off! Ow! HE CONTINUES WHISTLING HE STOPS WHISTLING Ow! - There they are, the greatest security systems in the world.
- Oof! Of course, occasionally, the system malfunctions and produces a real clunker.
Oi, cheeky! Whaa! Good work, Penfold.
We'll make a Danger Agent out of you yet.
Do we HAVE to? - Let's see what we've got.
- DEVICE BEEPS Zis is Baron Greenback.
Soon ze whole vorld vill be - VIDEO BUZZES - Soon ze whole vorld vill be - VIDEO BUZZES - Soon ze whole vorld I knew it! A classic "Soon the whole world will be mine" message.
Colonel K has to see this.
It fills me with pride zat I now have a Safety Mouse protecting every leader in ze vorld.
I von't be happy until everyone in the vorld is completely safe.
Oof! Six letters.
Tiny bits of bread.
Crumbs! You can't go around kidnapping upstanding members of the public.
- Someone let me out of zis! - Ah! - Or at least scratch my nose.
- Ohh There's nothing upstanding about the Baron, and I can prove it.
Professor, do the honours.
Zis is Baron Greenback.
Soon, ze whole vorld vill be a safer place, thanks to this Safety Mouse.
If found, please return to Greenback Security.
Thanking you.
I don't understand.
I was so sure! NERO CHATTERS MOCKINGLY NERO BLOWS A RASPBERRY - Look like you were wrong, Chief.
- Penfold, shush.
And so, as our hero acts chauffeur to his lifelong nemesis - Narrator, shush too.
- Righto.
I'm sorry it vorked out zis way.
I'd hoped we could put ze past behind us and become friends.
- NERO: - Ha, ha, ha-ha-ha! - NERO BLOWS A RASPBERRY You know, Chief, it takes a big mouse to admit he's wrong.
- DM SIGHS - You're right, Penfold.
I'd best go and apologise.
HE SIGHS My plan vorked perfectly.
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! - DOOR SLAMS - Ooh! - Eek! Can I help? Gotcha! You're too late, Danger Mouse.
Ha-ha-ha-haa! AAAARRRRGH! RUMBLING - DM! - Ha! The Professor found a watchamacallit hidden in the thingamabob.
The Baron can control every single wossname from his oojamaflip.
I guessed as much, Colonel.
I think.
And he's got a Safety Mouse guarding every important person in the world.
Including me! KERTHUMP! Uh-oh.
Colonel? NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! Pitiful vorld, you have taken me into your hearts vhile I have taken you FOR A RIDE! Behold, ze vorld as you know it is at an end! I have no idea what the delegate just said, but I disagree entirely.
I alvays said, "One day, I vill rule ze vorld.
" Well, now I do.
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haa! Bam-bam-BAAAAAAM! Oh, do shut up.
Rude.
The Colonel and the Professor have been kidnapped.
Looks like I'll have to save the world single-handedly again.
- Ahem.
- I meant with your help, obviously.
- Chief - Hm? - You know when paintings' eyes follow you around a room? - Yes? Have you ever heard of a whole painting doing it? Colonel! We thought you'd been Colonel-napped! And I haven't? Hm.
Must have swapped places with my hologram at the last second.
Ha! You have to get up pretty early in the afternoon to catch me! What about the Professor? My guess is she used one of her inventions to conceal herself.
She'll be cloaked in some futuristic camouflage technology.
Or pretending to be a lamp.
Professor! You're safe.
None of us is safe.
Not any more.
Should never have doubted you, DM.
I'll fight beside you for as long as it takes! As long as it's over by din-dins - we're having crumble.
ELECTRICAL BUZZING Ooh! Magnetic combat balls.
Can I? No! But this is yours - TING! - .
.
Agent.
Tin opener, suncream, toilet roll Bit of a hurry, Penfold.
No-one likes to come home to the washing-up, Chief.
PLATES CLATTER - Everyone ready? - Hang on one whatsit! You're improperly dressed, DM.
Now we're ready.
Activate iPatch.
Wow, this thing is great! Has it got any games? Sorry.
Search live Spamchops feed for the Frog's Head Flyer.
There! Er, you can't park here.
I'll park in front of my own house if I vant.
YOUR house? Ze ruler of ze vorld has to live SOMEWHERE.
And what do YOU do? Hey, Barone, we got incoming! Quick, Stiletto! Inside the Flyer! - Hii-yah! - CLONK! ARGH! TINNY TUNE PLAYS Remind me to change the ringtone.
Activate iPatch.
Don't bother trying to break in, Danger Mouse.
My Flyer's made from pure Convenientium.
BOOM! It'll take will more than one Safety Mouse to defeat Danger Mouse! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! TINNY TUNE PLAYS Let battle commence! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haa! For more "Mwa-ha-has," visit my website.
I always eat when I'm scared.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Find somewhere safe.
I've got this.
CHIEF! What are you waiting for?! This one has the Queen inside.
You are hereby ordered to give this monstrosity a thrashing! You're Danger Mouse! Start kicking some robot bottom! Yes, Ma'am.
Safety Mouse, the thrashing you're about to receive is by Royal appointment.
YAAAAARGH! CLONG! BONES CRUNCH - Ah! - THUD! ELECTRICAL ZAPPING CRUNCH! - Smashing! - I've only got two left! Ugh You're doomed, Danger Mouse! DOOMED! You're a hologram, aren't you? You don't have to stay in there.
Fair point, old boy.
- PROFESSOR: - Catch! ELECTRICAL ZAPPING - Professor, do those balls work on anything metal? - Of course.
- Perfect.
Don't play with your food, my robotic rascals! Finish them! Danger Mouse, if you've got a plan, now is the time.
ELECTRICAL BUZZING Well done, Danger Mouse! CREAKING BOOM! You're welcome.
Stiletto, ve're leaving! ENGINES WHINE AND STRUGGLE ENGINES POWER DOWN HE KNOCKS Initiate lockdown! KLAXON BLARES You'll never get in, Danger Mouse! Nothing can get through Convenientium.
- Except a hologram.
- Huh? - Boo! - ARGH! BEEP Lights off! Oh, we're doing this old school.
Now I have the advantage, due to my night-vision goggles.
Curses! Hang on.
Er, lights on.
Ah! Lights off again! I'm ready, meddlesome mouse.
And I can see you perfectly.
But you can't see me! - THUMP! - Ugh! - Haa! THUMPS AND YELLS - Ha! Got you! - THUMP! Ow! That's a-me, Barone.
I had my eyes shut.
- Haa! - THUMP! CLOCK TICKS BANGING AND CRASHING It's over.
- THUD! - Oof! One world saved, and it's not even lunchtime.
- Sorry about the mess.
- Don't worry, DM.
The Professor's hacked into the Baron's computer system and seized all his money.
GREENBACK SOBS There's enough to pay for the repairs, another 50 shows, plus a brand spanking new HQ.
It's disguised as a commonplace London object, but big enough to house a well-equipped Secret Service base.
Ha-ha-ha! No-one will ever notice it's even there.
Danger Mouse! Today was only ze start.
A vorld of madness and evil is heading in your direction, and I can't vait to vatch.
Prepare yourself! Doom is coming! - Mwa-ha-ha-ha! - NERO CACKLES - Penfold! - Chief? - Put the kettle on.
Looks like it's going to be a busy year.
Yes, Danger Mouse is back! And all questions will be answered! Like how exactly does the Colonel's hologram work? I mean, it can walk through walls, but it can be captured by a robot? Oh, um Well, that will be the hard light thing.
And, if it's a hologram, shouldn't it just be copying the Colonel's movements, not doing things by itself? Well, I'm sure the writers have perfectly reasonable answers to all these questions.
I wouldn't bet on it.
To find out, tune in to the next thrilling instalment of Danger Mouse! # He's the greatest, he's fantastic # Wherever there is danger He'll be there # Danger Mouse # Danger Mouse Danger Mouse!