Dappers (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

This programme contains some strong language.
I fly like paper Get high like planes If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name If you come around here I make 'em all day Bona fide hustler making my name All I wanna do is All I wanna do is All I wanna do is And take all your money All I wanna do is And take all your money.
We'll get our coats then.
Anyway, he can stick his stupid job, I've had it with cleaning his smelly old bogs.
Who cleaned his smelly old bogs? You know what I mean.
You, me, Team Us.
Yeah, well, Team Us is blimming out of work again.
Oh, we'll come up with something.
What are we like? BOTH: Bristolicious! Drink up the cider Drink up the cider For tonight we'll merry be We'll knock the milk churns over And roll them in the clover The corn's half cut and so be we Drink up the cider Drink up the cider Look, Daisy, Angel's coming down to play.
I was just coming up to bang on your door.
They'll be here any minute.
I'm knackered! Ryan's been up all night yakking his tits off, I wouldn't mind, but he hadn't took nothing.
High on life.
This is the plan for today.
You take the girls back into my flat and I'll wait outside for the drop offs.
Some people might think we shouldn't be doing this, not with children.
Some people like next door.
Face-Ache and Arse-Munch.
Good job Ryan's crappy old car isn't parked outside our house.
Wouldn't be good for the image, mate.
What about them in the basement? Wendy and Barney? Shall we lock them in? No, they don't get off their sofa till after Jeremy Kyle.
I tried to speak to them about whether we can use their garden later, for our new business venture.
But you never know what's gone in.
CAR HORN BEEPS Oh! Let's have it! Woofity's Daycare has lovely grounds for your pet to roam free.
No, no, no constant supervision.
Oh, yes, all our carers are fully-qualified and work on a one-to-one basis so Truffles will be getting all the love and attention you'd be giving him.
Out Gizmo.
Soz, it's nearly teatime and they get a bit excited about their freshly-cooked, gourmet meals.
Ash! No dogs.
Rufus! You'll have to take them out of here.
They're not mine.
You're going to have to pay for that.
What with, buttons? Yummer! Burgers again.
Oi, I was going for chicken, but the blimming dogs bust my plan.
And they made me drop my phone.
And I had to spend my last pennies on the bread they slobbered on.
Here, we'll say they got into smoked salmon and steaks and that? Yeah! And don't forget the crate of champagne they smashed.
Don't shot that away.
Why, who's going to eat manky dog baps? I'll toast it for Ryan when he gets the munchies.
What?! He'll never know.
Oh, my God, is that Marco's new motor? Yeah.
how comes he's never got the money for his own daughter but he buys himself a TwatMobile? Shall I add the finishing touches? Best not, mate.
He's probably watching on the CCTV.
I still think we should've got some money up-front for the dogs.
Yeah, I know, mate, but we got to do it like a proper business.
Come Friday we'll be cashing the first cheques.
Ker-ching! Yeah I know, I'm a genius.
Oy, cheeky mare, I think the dogs was my idea.
Ah, no you said "dog walking" see, and what I said was what people really need is somewhere like a nursery where they can keep their dogs all day.
Face-Ache and Arse-Munch been to Waitrose.
Bet they're not having cheapo burgers for their tea.
Ahh, he won't let her carry the heavy shopping.
Pair of pansies.
I wouldn't mind a guy getting my bags.
No, you would, mate.
That's blimming demeaning.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Ooh, language! He's a very naughty man.
Excuse me? Hello? Erm, there is a law against letting your dog shit on the pavement, yeah? You'd better call the police, then.
Do a DNA test.
One of you slaags is going dahhhn! There's no need to be ridiculous, is there? I'm just pointing out it is your responsibility to clear up your crap.
And if you wouldn't mind moving the car, we keep having to mention it.
Ash? It's not my car, it's my boyfriend's.
Tell him.
Ash! Where's the pug? No, get off, I haven't done nothing! Blige, mate! I thought you was a sniffer dog.
You got to have the girls.
I can't, I'm going out.
I got post going to Welsh Tony's place and he'll have it away if I don't get round there.
Faye's lost the pug, we have to find him.
Unlikely.
He'll have been snatched.
Pugs are worth a few pennies, mate.
We'd blimming better or that's our doggy daycare down the pan.
If this works out, you wouldn't need Welsh Tony's, you could live here legal.
I could make a few calls, see if I can get you a pug? Hello? We haven't got a few pennies.
And put some clothes on.
I can see your hairy spuds.
Come on Angel, darling, come to Daddy.
You and Hashley and your get-rich-quick schemes, you're like Del Boy and Rodders in thongs.
Just let me borrow the car? I don't know, babes, what if you lose it? Fine.
So, I'll tell Daisy, "Daddy doesn't care about the little doggy", shall I? Here.
But, I want it back mint and in a couple of hours, I got a hot date tonight.
What, with Domino's Pizza? Yeah, that's right, a Spicy Sizzler.
I hope she isn't in the mood for a Meat Feast.
She'll have to settle for small portions.
I left the dogs down the bottom with Wendy and Barney, they'll have a lovely time playing in the garden.
DOGS BARK Typical innit? We got a soft-top and it's raining.
Hardly Thelma and blimming Louise, is it? Marco's such a knob.
It's like so obvious he was trying to make me jealous, he still thinks he'll get me back.
And he has a knob's taste in music.
See if he's got any money there.
Mate! He planted it.
How did he know you'd borrow the car? It's his Mum's then.
Stop the car! What for? It's the pug! Help the homeless.
Hey, that's my dog! It's not really though, is it? CAR HORNS BEEP Home time, Gizmo! See you in the morning! Oh, my lovely boy! Have you been having an adventure? Yes, he's been very quiet and very well-behaved all day.
You good boy! Off she goes to down a bottle of wine and find lurve on the internet.
Are you going to leave your car parked like that? It's not mine.
It's my ex's.
Tell him.
Where is Ryan with the girls? He's taking a really long time.
He better not have taken them to Welsh Tony's.
Here we go Angel, homeski.
Did you take the girls round Welsh Tony's? No.
We been up the slidey-rock, haven't we, Angel? Daddy went down head-first.
PHONE RINGS Mate.
Got to run.
Laters.
Cheers for looking after Daisy.
Bring us back some cans.
Did you hear me? Girls, come on! Daisy, Angel, let's go downstairs and get the woof-woofs.
Their mummys and daddys are coming to take them home.
Better have heard me.
Black Blackness Hey The black side of me, come on.
Here, Marco's face when we're coining it in.
I'm going to drive up to his skanky old night-club His dad's skanky old night-club.
He don't want their dogs in our garden no more.
Big 'un tried to rape him.
We can't keep them indoors all day.
Can't swing a cat in my flat.
Well, they're not going in my flat.
Smellers.
It'll only be for a little while, then we'll have the money to put them somewhere proper.
He says he don't mind the little girls playing out here, but he don't want no dogs.
Yeah, "he don't mind the little girls", dirty perv.
It's not fair they got all this garden to themselves.
And it's a tip.
Really, cos it's just the two of them, this flat should go to someone with kids.
I'd have it.
I should, I've been here longest.
Your flat's a blimming mansion! We just got a poxy kitchenette and there's three of us.
Told the social Ryan's living here, have you? At the end of the day, it won't be neither of us gets the flat.
Be some skanky pikey skag-head with more kids.
If that's what it takes I'll have more kids.
No, you wouldn't mate, do your head in.
I'm glad I stopped at one.
At least you got a choice.
Oh, those blimming dogs do my head in, I still got their barking ringing in my ears.
DOGS BARK I can hear that.
It's coming from next door.
Next door ain't got a dog.
It can't be.
Gizmo! And the other pug? Ah, don't mate.
You stole off a homeless.
You drove! God, now we got to get Gizmo back to gormless Jasmine and grovel! If she drops fake Gizmo off in the morning, we can give her back real Gizmo in the evening and she's never has to know we lost him.
You lost him, I mean.
You stole off a homeless.
Oh my god, if I had this house, it would be awesome.
I'd have all this basement bit for parties, do it out really decadent like a club, all silver and black and zebra skin.
Do you think that's their sex room? Bet he pretends he's a baby and dresses up in nappies and that? BABY CRIES There's Daisy! BABY GIGGLES Oh, it's you.
I thought it was Give us a hand, then.
Don't get me caught up in anything shady.
Oh, you wouldn't do that, would you? Getting fat, babes.
Get stretched.
Daisy! All right, Hash.
All right, Sarko.
Right, seeing as you got your dog back, I'll have my car back.
Do you want to have Daisy tonight? Give her summat nice for her tea? I can't.
You know I've got something on, haven't I? Fine.
Well don't tell me you want to see Daisy more often, cos I just give you the opportunity and you knock me back.
Fair play.
I'll have Daisy tonight, then.
Flavia'll be made up to meet her.
Flavia? Yeah, she's from Brazil.
They're big on family there.
Yeah right(!) As if I'm really going to let Daisy spend the night with some pole dancer! She's not a pole dancer! She's got the body, mind.
Maybe you're right, it's a bit soon.
But she's going to have to meet her sometime though.
I think Flavia may be the one.
Who's Flavia? I just don't know what I'm after One day tears And one day laughter.
Go halves? BOTH: Girls! Daisy is a little madam when Angel sleeps over.
Hey, where's Ryan with our cans? I been ringing and ringing but his phone's still off, mate.
He said he'd come straight back.
Mmm-hmm.
You're out of milk.
You got some? Look at us! One blimming tea bag for two cups of tea and no blimming milk.
Meanwhile Flavour's getting lushed up on vintage champagne.
She'll need it if she's going to shag Marco.
I bet she looks like a supermodel.
I bet he'll fall madly in love with her.
So what? So he can't.
But you don't want him.
Obviously! But what about Daisy? She's got to be the number one in his life.
What if Flavour gets a load of kids with him? "They're big on family in Brazil.
" Daisy'll be left out of everything.
No.
Marco won't want a load of kids cramping his style.
He might not get a say in the matter.
She might get pregnant accidentally on purpose.
Oh, that's well naughty, mate! I can't stand girls who pull a stunt like that.
I know! Here, do you think Marco will let us keep the dogs in Spinners? No.
Blimming Barney.
Blimming dogs.
DOG WHIMPERS Blimming, blimming Marco.
Oh, my God, I am sooo jarred off with today! Emergency spliff? Innit.
Don't you worry about the girls growing up lonely onlies? It's too late for my Angel, I'm going to have Ryan's knackers on a necklace! Anyway, they got each other.
Yeah.
And people look down their noses at you if your kids got different Dads and that's not nice for Daisy.
You'd have to have another baby with Marco.
Ugh! Imagine his wormy little penis near your lady-hole again.
Who said he had a wormy little penis? You did, mate.
Look at you.
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? Don't cha? VEHICLE REVERSES OUTSIDE Ryan? I'm getting worried.
Why haven't you called, babe? Face full of fanny? Don't bother coming homeever.
Yeah, I know you are just doing your job but that car might belong to a disabled for all you know.
What, you're being so tight! Face-Ache and Arse-Munch are getting Ryan's car towed.
Good.
He never come home last night.
He's pulled an all-nighter before? Yeah, but his phone's off.
You don't do that in his line of evil.
He's cheating.
Ah, mate.
Whatever badness Ryan gets up to, he'd never do that.
This down to you then, is it? Was the dog shit in our garden down to you? Ben.
You do realise she's on benefits? How's she going to get her car back? I'm very sorry, but that car was illegal.
So you did grass us? Ben, we'll be late for work.
It's immaterial about the car anyway.
It's about that dog crapping in our garden.
Oh my god, I can't believe you're making such a fuss about a little bit of dog poo.
He can't help it, can you, Gizzums? It isn't just a little bit of dog poo.
It's toxocariasis.
Oh, yeah? We call him Arse-Munch.
And it's particularly harmful for pregnant women.
Who's pregnant? So just please keep your dog on your side of the fence, OK? Or I'll be forced to speak to your landlord.
Something tells me you're not even supposed to keep pets.
That is NOT my dog! Here's Mama, my precious boy! Oh, my god Jasmine, don't tell me you took the wrong dog? Get that usurper out of my car.
Don't you worry, my precious pie, you won't have to see those horrid ladies again.
Don't be like that.
They do look exactly the same.
Maybe I misunderstood your advert? I'd have thought someone with Kennel Club qualifications could tell the difference between a little girl dog and a little boy dog.
That was my daughter's.
This is a dog.
Not a play-thing.
Here come the German Shepherd.
German Shepherd? Now I've heard it all.
You're not leaving your dog with this shower, are you? She just thought your Belgian was a German! OK, OK, you're obviously not happy with our service, so let's call it quits and we won't bill you for yesterday.
Won't bill me? You're lucky I'm not taking you to court! Woofity's Doggy Daycare is a con! It's a total shambles! Your dog's got fleas! Hang about.
Sorry, you're looking after all these dogs? In a housing association flat? A flat? So much for kerching - it's all gone blimming kerplunk.
Here, now that Jasmine's got Gizmo back, we could sell this one.
He's got to go back to the homeless.
I'm just saying.
Pugs are worth a few pennies, mate.
I like singing, gets me high I like singing, gets me high.
Here, how come Face-Ache's got everything? The baby, the garden, the big house The Arse-Munch.
All right, mate? Where's the car to? I had it towed and torched.
You never.
Oh.
Right.
Humour.
Now you tell me a lie and we're even.
I didn't spend the night in a police cell.
That's a lie because I did, but it weren't my fault.
It was Welsh Tony's.
If I'd have known he was being followed, I'd have never gone round.
BANGING ON DOOR, SIRENS Tony legged it.
I was stuck in the crapper, mate I'd started so I had to finish.
Whatever they was after, Tony had had it away.
All they found was a bag of weed in the spare bedroom.
So I got nicked.
They can't do that.
It weren't yours.
But it's my room.
It's my signing-on address.
Don't be so stupid! Tell them you don't live there.
I can't.
Cos then they'll want to know where I do live.
And we'll both get done for benefit fraud.
You total twatting spanner! DOORBELL RINGS Oh, hi, Marco.
And you must be Flavia? Ha ha.
Now give the man his dog.
It's not blimmin' funny! Why didn't you call? I had to flush my SIM, there's numbers on there I shouldn't have.
Youfucking Mate.
Look, I know it's not funny.
I am so fucked.
Your prints aren't on the bag, are they? Then you don't know how it got there and they got to prove otherwise.
You don't get it.
Tony's done a runner.
These people he's been dealing with won't write this off as a mishap.
If they think I live there, they're going to come after me.
No, you see, we did have a pug, but we lost it, and we really thought your pug was our pug.
See, it was a genuine mistake.
Here you go, mate.
Listen, cheers for your discretion, yeah? There you go.
We were taking the dog back, Marco! Like I said, it was a genuine mistake.
I might have to get out of town for a while.
What's a while? Couple of months, couple of years? Just till things blow over.
No! What about us? You're not just leaving us! I don't fucking want to! Tell the truth, you live here and you never even stopped the night at Welsh Tony's.
Mate, we can't.
They'll stop your benefits.
They'll launch a major fraud investigation.
We could both end up inside.
You could end up in a bin bag.
You're lucky he didn't go to the law.
He wrote down the number plate, went looking for my car.
All night he was searching for it.
Yeah, with one or two breaks for liquid refreshment! Did you get a whiff? That's me.
I had a skinful.
The last thing I needed shattering my lie-in was your mate jumping up and down on my car! No! Sorry.
What, did Flabia not see the funny side? You're a joke, Faye.
Babysitting dogs? Why don't you get yourself a proper job? I've got a proper job, looking after our daughter.
What, you think I wouldn't like a lovely pay cheque every month, and my own office and car and whatever? I'm here whenever Daisy needs me, and I make sure she's safe and she's happy, and that's what I do.
Yeah, and it's all you can do! Do you remember when I was pregnant with Angel and you had that bit of trouble with the counterfeit fags? That was Welsh Tony's fault too.
Tosser.
What was it your brief said, old Prewell? The court would go lenient, cos I was up the spout? And then it never went to court.
Balls.
Pity you ain't up the duff now, isn't it? Oh, you're not.
You're not? Mate! No, I'm not.
But I could be.
Oh, come on.
You say a lot worse to me.
No, you're right.
It's true.
I'm useless and stupid and an embarrassment to Daisy.
I never said any of that.
Is Flavia clever? Well, she speaks a few languages, she's got a degree, but What do you care? You're going to love her better than me.
What? Well, I always hoped that one day we'd get back together, you and me and Daisy, a proper family again.
But now I know it's never going to happen! Hello? You broke up with me! I made a mistake! Don't.
Don't.
Do not be a wind-up.
If I could undo what I did, to you and me and Daisy This is well awesome.
If it's a boy, we'll call him Grade.
We haven't even had sex yet, loser, let alone you put one in the net.
Everyone's a winner here.
Look I know this ain't the way we'd have planned having number two, but, I'm well excited.
Aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
There's just one thing If we did, if we could, ever get back together, there's just one thing Don't tell anyone.
We can't tell anyone.
If Faye finds out you've been arrested, she'll be a bitch.
But she's your best mate.
I know.
Because if we made a big announcement and then it didn't work out, it would just be too horrible for Daisy.
Sowe'd just see each other and no sex? No.
We'd have sex.
But it's a secret.
I don't want Ash I don't want anyone to know.
I know a place that's a-flowing with love So if-a you need love And then he said I'd never get a proper job anyway, cos basically there's nothing I can do.
Oh, my god! You so got to get him back for that.
I'm going to, mate.
I'm so going to.
Oh, here he is - the dirty stop-out.
Oh, what's he got in the bag? He's got our cans! Sorry for letting you down last night, but better late than never, eh? Please tell me it ain't? Gizmo?