DAVE (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
My whole life I just
wanted to be a rapper ♪
Then I grew'd up and
the boy became a rapper ♪
And my older sister made
me wear the golden wrapper ♪
She said, "Watch
out, 'cause you know ♪
The hos will trap ya". ♪
Hello there. I'm Dr. Mecklebaum.
- I'm Dave Burd. How are you?
- Good. Good to see you.
So, uh what brings you in today?
So, a few days ago I was shaving,
and I noticed these red
bumps on my pubiscus,
- and I just wanted
- P-Pubiscus?
That's probably not
the medical term for it.
Uh, like, where your pubic hair would be
if you didn't shave it all the way.
- Oh. Oh, copy that. All right.
- Yeah. Yeah.
So, well, let's take a look.
Yes, and I know this is
gonna sound so absurd,
but before I can just show you my penis,
I do have to kind of explain
- a few things about it to you.
- Okay.
I just have, like, a very
bizarre situation down
okay, when I was born,
I came out of the womb
with a tangled urethra,
so immediately they had to go in
- and do all types of surgery to it.
- Mm-hmm.
As a result, there's so
much scarring down there.
- Sure.
- And then, I mean,
you know how the skin on your testicles
is a different type of skin
than the skin on your penis?
It's more chicken-skinned or ribbed.
Yeah?
So my dick skin is actually made of
that exact same style of ribbing.
All the way up my shaft ribs.
So my theory is: when
they had to replace
the hacked-off dick skin,
they used my testicle
skin to replace it.
Which would mean that my dick
is made of balls.
I couldn't be more precious
about this information.
My own girlfriend doesn't
know anything about this
because I'm so good at
controlling the lighting and
Well, if-if you're comfortable,
I'm-I'm more than happy to take a look.
I just had to explain all
that, 'cause I didn't want you
to look at it and be like
- You know? Yeah.
- Yeah. Sure.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
(QUIETLY): Yeah.
Those look like razor bumps to me.
Okay. I mean, but can't genital
herpes look like razor bumps?
Who's to say that it's razor bumps?
I'm to say. It's my job.
Well, you should know
there's a very big disconnect
between the online medical community
and the brick-and-mortar establishments,
- like
- Brick-and-mortar? You mean doctors.
While I have you here, real quick,
I know this is a totally
different field of medicine.
I have all this acne on my
back that came out of nowhere
- Yeah, not me.
- Cystic.
Yeah, not it. No, it's not me.
I just figured you must know
more than, like, the common man.
I could refer you to somebody.
- Not my field.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, Dave.
- Hey, where do I pay?
- Hi, I'm Dave ♪
- I'm Lil Dicky ♪
- Hi, I'm Dave ♪
- Who's Dave? ♪
Hi, I'm Dave. ♪
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PULSING INSIDE)
Oh.
♪♪
Is this the right room?
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Uh, is this Studio A?
The fuck is that smell, man?
Oh, man, this dude always coming in here
- with this tuna fish shit.
- Okay, are we leaving?
I'm gonna be right back.
Why the fuck would you just
walk into a session like that?
You said "come anytime",
those were your words.
Yeah, come by, kick it
in the lounge and, like,
I don't know, meet people, talk
to people, make connections.
Don't come into a fucking studio session
with tuna fish. It smells crazy.
Well, forgive me for not knowing
this incredibly specific rule.
- That's
- Is that YG? Oh, my God.
They're Yep, that's
YG. They're coming. Wow.
YG: Whup their ass when you
see 'em, straight like that.
- Yeah.
- What's up?
Studio smell like tuna,
man. This shit stank.
Fuck going on?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
That's a scary group of men.
He had tattoos on the
creases of his neck.
I'm so scared. I don't know
if I'm supposed to speak
or not speak when I'm spoken to or
Doesn't sound like a very
collaborative setting to me.
- Not at all.
- Is there any window for you
to show them my video?
No. These gang members
obviously do not like dick jokes.
Know your audience, my dude.
I love you like a sister.
I have to leave.
- Text me.
- Nope.
My dick sucks, my dick sucks. ♪
Hold up.
Hold the fuck up.
Ain't you the YouTube rapper
with the small dick and all that?
- I've seen that video.
- Did you like it?
Yeah, that shit go hard.
You have no idea how
happy this makes me.
Like, I live my entire life
trying to impress people
of your pedigree.
- I'm Dave.
- Ha, Dave, you a fool.
I'm Gata, like alligator.
I just rolled this chopstick.
You trying to smoke some weed?
Smoke weed? Uh, do I
want to smoke wee ?
I don't think No, no, thank you.
So you a rapper, and you don't blow bud?
I didn't say that, I smoke.
I treat it like a glass of
wine at the end of the day.
If I smoked this early, I'd
feel like a total waste of life.
But did you see that YG's here?
Yeah, why you think I'm here?
My nigga Bino sell
him tree all the time.
How would I go about
getting a rapper like YG
on one of my songs? Because I feel like,
until I do that, no one's
gonna take me seriously.
Everyone's just gonna
think I'm a YouTube rapper.
Shit. It's all about the gander.
The gander?
The gander, nigga. You got to wiggle,
set yourself up, make a play.
Right now you're in the studio,
all these rappers in here popping,
and you talking about,
"Hi, my name is Dave".
Like, what the hell?
Like, you should be, like,
"What's up? It's Lil Dicky".
Like, own that shit, bro.
I do think it's gonna
be the biggest name
in hip-hop, honestly. Lil Dicky.
Ride your own dick, man.
Can we get some food? YG hungry.
Oh. I don't know why you're asking me.
I don't work here.
I, uh I'm Lil Dicky.
- Lil Dicky?
- Yes.
Can we get some food? YG hungry.
Okay. You know, I
respect you, I just think
- you're going about it all kind of wrong.
- Hey-hey-hey, chill-chill-chill.
Hey, bro, there's a store
right around the corner;
we gonna bend the block real fast
and get whatever you need. Come on, man.
He look hot.
I hope these are the right snacks, Gata.
Man, if you don't stop tripping,
I'm a real nigga. If I tell you
there's cheese on the moon,
bring your crackers, man.
You Gucci. You're gonna go
in there, show your face,
apply the gander, wiggle up.
How can this possibly get
me closer to a YG verse?
Check this out. I used to
be in Miami all the time,
- at the Hit Factory. It's a studio.
- Yeah?
I'm in there with my boys.
We chilling with some dudes
from New Orleans. You know
how they dress already, right?
- No.
- Big T-shirts, baggy jeans.
We're in they studio session
and Wayne walk in, bro.
- I'm in there dripping.
- Lil Wayne?
Weezy! What other Wayne you know?
- Brady.
- I'm in there sauced down, though.
- Gretzky.
- Skinny jeans, Cali swag, all that lip ring.
And they on my swag, bro.
Wayne like, "What you do?"
And I end up getting three
songs off the drip alone.
You have three songs with Lil Wayne?
Yes, that's what I'm trying to tell you.
They're on my laptop;
they ain't never came out,
but you know how that go.
This is very useful information.
If I would've known all this,
I would've certainly
dressed differently today.
The swag ain't on you, it's in you.
Like, what is that, peach?
They gonna fuck with
that, that's hard body.
You got a lot of heart
for wearing that color.
Well great.
Do I just knock or what?
What do you think?
Yeah, just knock in on that shit, man.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE)
I feel like they're not ever gonna
Why are you wearing
your sunglasses inside?
Bro, you know I got to drip, bro.
- We're going to the studio right now.
- Should I just ?
YG, you're about to get a verse, okay?
- Should I walk in?
- Man, go in there, man.
Snack time. I
Okay.
You're welcome.
I feel like that did
nothing for my career.
Bro, "snack time"?
Did you really just say
that corny-ass shit, bro? What the fuck?
Give me your phone, man.
My phone? Why?
Listen, if you want to get
that verse from YG, bro,
you're gonna have to
holler at Nutti, man.
- Who is Nutti?
- Nutti.
That's YG manager. I'm the plug, bro.
I'm putting his number in your phone.
This couldn't be more helpful.
So, what do I do? I text him
and say, "Hi, it's Lil Dicky"
Yeah, he probably gonna
want some money or something
- for the verse.
- Money? Okay.
- Well, I'll figure that out.
- You have to bring that bag.
I just saved mine, too,
bro. We got to get up, man.
Huh.
Let me get you on my Gram,
man. If you don't mind.
Yeah. Okay, hold on, let
me think for a second.
You ready? Uh
Early morning studio,
LD reporting for
Nigga, this is just a picture, bro.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)
Ugh, there's so much lettuce on this.
No, I told them no lettuce.
Oh, he told me you made him
try a grape for the first time.
I did. But he did not like it.
He reported it was "too gushy".
- Who eats those things?
- MIKE: Most people.
- Are you gonna grade papers right now?
- Yeah.
I've told you how much this
fully turns me on, right?
- Yeah.
- I've expressed that?
- Wow.
- Yeah.
You want me to teach you?
- Everything that you know.
- You want me to
tell you when to nap on your cot?
My dick wants to rip out of its skin
and run laps around the playground.
I don't know where to go with that.
You can go into Dave's room,
- where this shit belongs.
- ALLY: I'm sorry.
That's on me, coach.
It's-it's easy.
Yeah. But every now and
then I just I guess,
- lose my grip on reality.
- Dave? Don't.
Really can't even be tamed, stopped
Don't do it. Don't, I'm serious. Don't!
Okay. You sealed your fate.
I'm gonna finish Handmaid's
Tale without you.
- Stop.
- Yep, I will.
Girlfriend, what? Get
away from me, freak.
- You gross me out.
- (CHUCKLES)
- That's better.
- ALLY: The assignment
is to draw what you want
to be when you grow up,
and nobody drew a day trader.
No? Did any of them draw
a kindergarten teacher?
- (CHUCKLES): No.
- No.
I bet a lot of them
said they wanted to be
- a musical artist, right?
- A few.
I mean, that was always
- my dream growing up.
- I think you're right.
Some young, bright,
wet-behind-the-ears kid
that's like, "I want
to be an unemployed Jew
who pretends to be a rapper".
- (CHUCKLES)
- And then you're the inspiration.
Or
I'm a "once in a generation" artist
- Oh.
- who just got verified on Twitter
about, what, nine days ago?
I'm glad you feel good that a
robot told you you're worth it.
Actually, I'm gonna go
back there and just see
what's going on tap
in because I feel like
there's people all over
trying to get ahold of me,
- ask me questions. You know.
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you want a hit of this?
- No.
Last time I got stoned, I
talked to our neighbor Gary
for an hour about cement.
He calls it see-ment.
- I hate parent-teacher night.
- Mm.
Like, Jordan Beyers's
parents are riding me
about his reading comprehension,
but the kid literally eats sand.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Fistfuls of sand.
Every day of his life.
- Holy moly.
-
What?
(GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)
(ALLY LAUGHS)
Huge turning point moment
in my career just occurred.
- What?
- I was in the studio
with YG today.
- YG?
- Yes.
Yes, I've heard of them.
It's one guy, it's not a group.
- Okay. Still cool.
- Yeah.
What was he like? What did he say?
(STAMMERS) Well, we didn't really
I mean, when you're in the studio,
you don't really talk that
much. You just, like, vibe
- and listen to music.
- Okay.
But the really cool thing is,
his manager just texted me
and said that YG will
get on one of my songs.
- Dave.
- I kn uh, yeah, I'm very excited.
That's so cool. Wait, what song?
- (LAUGHS): What ?
- Uh, what song?
Can I hear it?
You can hear it when
it's done. It's not done.
I know. I don't like having
too many cooks in the kitchen
- But I won't cook. I'm just excited.
- Bless your soul.
No, though, 'cause I just,
you know trust the process.
- Dave.
- What?
You always do this.
Do you realize that I'm dating a rapper
who I've never heard rap out loud?
Oh, my God, will you rap for me?
Will you rap for me right
now? Oh, my God, rap for me.
Rap for me. This is a
kindergarten beatbox.
Throw down.
Look ♪
- I don't know.
- (LAUGHS): Please.
- Please.
- I don't know I know, I'm sorry. I don't know.
No, it's my job. I-I don't
ask you to come home
and teach me things.
Oh, you just asked me if pork was beef.
There are a lot of people that
don't know that distinction.
Okay, can I at least know
the name of the song?
"Girth".
Hmm.
♪♪
(LINE RINGING)
CAROL: Hello, my sweetheart.
- Hi, Mama. How are you?
- I'm good.
I texted Ally yesterday.
She hasn't texted me back.
- Hey, wait until we get into the car.
- I was just wondering
- Don, I'm talking.
- I-I know,
- but it has to switch over.
- I was
- DON: Can you hear us?
- I can hear you.
I think he can hear us
now. Can you hear us?
I'm not gonna beat around the bush.
I'm calling because I'm about
to access my bar mitzvah money
and I thought you should know.
- What?
- Oh, my God. What's wrong?
DAVE: Nothing's wrong.
Everything's great.
I'm actually getting,
like, a very big rapper
on one of my songs, but to do that,
I have to pay him his fee,
which is $10,000 in this case.
$10,000?
Are you crazy? What David,
you haven't made a single dollar
off of this and now you want
How come we never talk
about the 15 million views
that I've gotten in three months, Mom?
It's a huge accomplishment.
We never talk about that.
But why can't you
profit off those views?
Isn't there money in
the stream these days?
It's called the cloud, Don.
I can't profit off of it
because it's not my beat.
It's just a beat I stole online.
- So I can't even
- You stole it?
Wait a minute, what? Did you steal it?
DON: What did he steal?
- He stole his his beat was stolen.
- He stole something?
Oh. Oh, my God.
Guys, it's not at all how it sounds.
It couldn't be more commonplace
in rap music for people
to jump on other people's beats.
DON: You know, David,
who is this rapper that
you are paying $10,000 to?
YG.
YG? I'm gonna look this up.
- Do you do you have a pen?
- Is it is it
"Why, G?" with a question mark?
Or the-the letters "Y-G"?
Google will answer
any question you have.
I have to go. I love you both.
- Is it Korean?
- I mean
- It you know, it sounds
- Like Wai Chi?
Guys, I'm leaving right
now. I'm hanging up.
- Is he ?
- Okay, but is it Korean?
Is he a Korean rapper?
Hello. Um, so I have to wire $10,000
to a company called Blood
Gang Entertainment LLC.
Attention or whatever: Nutti.
♪♪
Hold on, wait a minute. Slow down.
So YG is getting on "Girth"?
Yeah.
Just sent him all the money.
- Is that your "Girth" dance?
- Totally official.
Yeah, it's my "Girth" dance.
We did it. We've done it.
You think that's a good idea?
It's probably the best
idea I've ever had.
It's a complete no-brainer.
- (RINGTONE PLAYING)
- Oh, my
It's my boss. Dude,
the market's been
closed for an hour now.
I don't get any time off.
Bring him everywhere, please.
Like, he's a delight to have around.
Honestly, you will like him,
he's just high-strung right now
'cause of his work. He's
a really good person.
- (BALL DROPS IN CUP)
- So you think YG,
which stands for "Young Gangster",
is going to get on a song
rapping about the girth of his dick?
I got a seven, dude. (SCOFFS)
"Girth" has so many
applications. What do you mean?
The girth of his girlfriend's breasts.
The girth of his home
I bet it's a huge home.
No. Well, why can't you just
rap about normal things, like,
I don't know, getting head in the club
and, like, having
orgies with your friends.
Oh, yeah, I'll rap about having orgies.
I'll sound like the biggest
loser on planet Earth.
You could always rap
about, like, the struggles
of a young Jewish man. (CHUCKLES)
You're gonna make fun of me
'cause I have no struggles?
I literally met you at overnight camp;
your father is a dentist.
And I'm not a rapper.
I'm a sound engineer.
You're not gonna trick YG
into rapping about the
girthness of his dick.
There's no trick here.
He's a businessman, bro.
He sells shit at Barneys.
He's not an idiot.
You know, I read the other
day that YG is actually vegan.
Which shocked me.
I would have expected that guy to be
fully carnivorous.
- (BALL CLANGS)
- (LAUGHTER)
Hey.
Can you please knock
when you walk in here?
Did you tweet this?
"Just got head". Yeah.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- What?
- Dave, my mom just called
and asked why you're
telling everyone on Twitter
that I gave you head.
Well, I didn't say that
Ally Wernick gave me head.
I was very nonspecific. It
just said, "Just got head".
Oh, cool. Um, so who's
giving you head, then?
Nobody, Al. It's fictitious
head. It's a joke.
I'm happy to jump on
the phone with your mom
and explain how Twitter works and how
everything that's tweeted
isn't a real thing necessarily.
Oh, it's a very real thing
that my very real principal
at my real job can read.
You guys need to stop
thinking about this
like it's Dave Burd's Twitter.
This is Lil Dicky tweeting.
They are totally different things.
Okay, then explain to me the difference,
just so we're clear.
Dave Burd takes your
feelings into account
at every waking moment.
Lil Dicky, on the other
hand, can never do that.
I'm sorry. I can't worry
about what my girlfriend
and her kindergarten
class are gonna think
as I rap lyrics about, like,
69-ing a girl on her period.
I mean, that's a terrible example.
But think of me as, like, a corporation.
Like, when Wendy's tweets, for example,
I don't think anybody thinks
that it's actually Wendy.
No! Because Wendy is not a real person.
Okay? And-and Wendy's isn't tweeting
that Wendy sucked Dave Thomas's dick.
Wendy is a real person,
it's Dave Thomas's daughter.
- You're not gonna want to hear that, but
- Oh, my God.
Okay. I-I don't want my mom
knowing that I give you head.
You can wrap your brain around that.
Your mom knows you
give me head. My mom
everybody's giving
everybody head at our age.
- I didn't give you head!
- I know, Al!
That's my you're
making my point for me.
I don't even know what
we're talking about here!
♪♪
(DOOR CLOSES)
I wired YG's manager $10,000 today.
I didn't tell you that yet.
And as soon as I did that,
he stopped responding to all
of my text messages, so
- $10,000?
- Yep.
I have no idea where the money is.
I don't even know who this guy is
or even if he's a real
person. I've never met him.
You've never met him?
No.
All I know about him is
that his name is Nutti.
Oh, Dave.
Al, I'm sorry for being an asshole.
I should never have said that.
But I love you so much.
You're my moon, you're my rock,
you're my favorite person in the world.
Tied with my parents.
But I'm a wreck right now.
I've never been more
stressed in my life.
Before you came, I was actually crying.
- You were crying?
- Yes.
Do you want a belly rub?
Really? Yes.
Oh, my God.
(SIGHS)
I'm putting the weight
of the world on you.
- It's on me; I need to get it off me.
- (LAUGHING)
♪♪
MIKE: So let me get this straight.
There were absolutely
no contracts at all?
(SCOFFS) No, there's no contracts
at this phase it's laughable
you'd even suggest such a thing.
Stupid guy over here.
I just work with people
on Wall Street all the time.
I don't know about money
or business or any
of that kind of stuff.
It's a totally different world.
What are you talking about?
Did you ever think for a
second that perhaps this guy
who introduced you to
Nutsi maybe set you up
just to take your money?
Gata?
Gata? That's a man's name?
I didn't even think about
that as a possibility.
Of course you didn't. Your
brain is basically pulled pork.
Come on, dude, you got scammed.
If I go and talk to this guy Gata,
- will you come with me?
- (SCOFFS)
No. Why me?
You were just lecturing him
about business and money.
DAVE: Mike, you're my best friend.
I'm asking you to come, please.
MIKE: I love you.
Take Ally.
- Weekends are for me.
- No.
You're a pussy. I'll go.
Call a Lyft. I don't give a fuck.
DAVE: I'm not gonna bring my girlfriend
with me to get the
m it just feels like
such a weird thing to do.
I know that's sexist, probably, but
- It is.
- It's even weirder
to take me, 'cause then
it looks like you went
and got your muscle, and
they're just gonna be like
You're the muscle?
You're laughing at me?
You have sex with a man
with no muscle on his body.
That's bone and tendon.
You're a marionette. You know that.
Okay, why do we need to go? You just go.
- Yeah.
- Y you guys haven't met this guy.
You have no context. Never
mind, I'll figure something out.
Dicky.
Lil Dicky. Holy shit, man.
- Hi.
- Hey. Gosh, can I get a pic?
- Yeah, of course.
- MIKE: Definitely.
Sweet. Um, you know,
uh, I'm a rapper, too.
Um, I go by Nuance.
Cool.
- Nuance?
- Yeah.
Send him all your stuff. You
guys could collab or something.
- Three, two
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
G-Get a few, just in case.
- I got it.
- Very tight.
Um, so, is this your girl?
- (QUIETLY): Still here.
- Yeah.
I just think it's so sick
how you tweet after you, like,
get head and shit.
(MIKE CHUCKLING)
You're my hero, man.
(CHUCKLING CONTINUES)
I think that happens to most couples.
Shots at your kickback ♪
Bitch, get back ♪
I said, bro, get back ♪
Thank you for coming
with me. I appreciate it.
Yeah, of course. Obviously, you know,
you got to have me around sometimes.
What does that mean?
It-it means that we're in the hood
and you had no other friends to bring
Wait, this is the hood right now?
There's no line that defines,
like, "We're in the hood",
or a sign that says,
"Welcome to the hood".
- But, like, we are in the janky.
- Right.
Song with YG worked out, right?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Please stop.
- Mr. Nuts took everything from you.
- I need I need you I
- His name is Nutti.
- (LAUGHS): Oh
- "His name is Nutti".
- And we're not even going
to Nutti's house, we're
going to Gata's house.
Oh! Gata!
ELZ: "Yeah, Mr. Gator, Mr.
Nuts, your 10:00 is here".
- DAVE: Shut the fuck up.
- (LAUGHING)
Lil Dicky poppin' out in South Central?
- I can't believe this.
- Oh, is this South Central?
Like Don't Be a Menace?
Hey, you the engineer that
be at the studio, right, bro?
- Yeah, papi, Elz.
- Papi?
Man, save that gay
shit for New York, bro.
- We on the west right now, cuh.
- Oh.
I'm messing with you, man. My uncle gay.
And he a cold-ass
nigga. Come on in, y'all.
Okay.
- Hey, we got company.
- Hi. Catherine.
Moms, we don't just got
anybody in the spot right now.
We got Lil Dicky in here.
He one of the best new
rappers in the game.
Oh, what's up, Lil Dicky?
Oh, no, I'm a normal person.
That thing right there is Lil Dicky.
DAVE: I'm the rapper, isn't that funny?
I'm Lil Dicky. But call
me Dave. I prefer that.
Oh. Well, why you call
yourself Lil Dicky?
You got a Lil Dicky?
Soft, it's never even grown at all,
- since I was a child, but
- Uh, mm-mm.
No, it's just kind of like
a play on a rap name.
The opposite of what you'd expect.
So, you're a satirical rapper.
Jackpot. See? I told you people
understand what I'm doing.
Um So, Gata, I have
something relatively serious
I need to talk with you about.
Remember that guy Nutti
- that you set me up with for the YG verse?
- Mm-hmm.
So, they said "yes" to doing a song.
I sent him $10,000.
As soon as the money went through,
he completely stopped responding
to all my text messages.
And the whole thing feels very
- coincidental and
- Wait, wait, wait.
Coincidental how?
You know, I have to assume
that my money's gone,
and Gata set the whole
thing up, so I don't mean
- to be accusing
- Hold up, bro.
Ain't nobody run off with nothing, man.
Nutti changed his number.
You got to kill that energy
in my house, though. For real.
- Nutti changed his cell phone number?
- That's what I just said.
Who would change their number in the
middle of a $10,000 wire exchange?
I'm sending you his new
line right now. Relax.
Okay, I'm gonna text him right now.
GATA: Come on, bro, you
got me looking crazy.
No, I wasn't saying that I was
certain it was you, by the way.
I was just trying to
think about what happened
and replaying everything and
thinking about who the suspects
- could even be and
- Oh, and you thought of my son.
Gee, I wonder why that is.
GATA: Small things to a giant.
I ain't even tripping,
this shit regular.
People size me up all the
time and stereotype me.
Putting me in a box like
I'm some thug. Just like you.
You look like a nerd, all corny.
But you rap hard, though.
Like, people play they self
when they do that shit, man.
How you gonna do me like that?
I hear you.
And it seems I have
made a fool of myself
and I'm very sorry.
- You should be.
- I know. And I'm
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- embarrassed.
I'm sorry. Oh, my God.
Nutti just responded.
Uh, he says if we go right
now, we can do the verse.
YG in the studio right now?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I got to go with you, bro.
We got to get this sorted out.
- Please come. You'll come?
- Yeah, I'm going.
- (HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYING)
- What's up?
(QUIET CHATTER)
Hi.
Lil Dicky, remember?
- Lil Dicky. What up, bro?
- (DOG GROWLING)
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Balmain, down.
- DAVE: Aah!
- Try to control your fear. He can smell fear.
- (GROWLING)
- Control my fear? How do I do that?
- I reek of fear.
- (BARKING)
- Just chill, man. Relax.
- (SHOUTING)
- Balmain.
- Ah!
Damn, even the dog Balmain? That's hard.
Yo, what you doing here, bro?
Oh, man, you know me.
I'm just in here, chilling.
You know what I'm saying, seeing
what's good. What's good, Nutti?
- Nah, nah, you got to skate, man.
- Bro, I'm the one that set this
- whole little verse thing
- Yeah, I don't give a fuck, bruh.
Hey, man, it's like Man,
you being extra, too, man.
- You burnt out, bro.
- (SCOFFS)
Come on, man.
Hate broke niggas.
Shit make me nervous. (SIPS DRINK)
For sure.
YG, Lil Dicky.
What up, man?
Good to meet you.
So
I don't know what Nutti has told you,
but I've got this one song
called "Girth" that I really
- think would be a huge
- Hey, D, hey, hey.
Turn the bass up, bro.
Beggars with dough, she fuck
it up, she know I got knots ♪
The money come, the money
go, man, this shit don't stop ♪
White Ferrecci 'cause she
with it, she a top-notch broad ♪
Steady lookin' over my shoulder ♪
Man, this shit don't stop ♪
Tryin' to get that money
till this shit don't stop ♪
I'm tryin' to pull up foreign,
tryin' to pull up drop ♪
I'm buyin' all designer,
tryin' to hit your thot ♪
Ghetto YG, these Glocks,
tell 'em hit your block ♪
You see this old watch,
you see the diamond clock ♪
You see this a drop,
you know it cost a lot ♪
She see me, she gonna thot,
I see you, we gonna box ♪
Need to let my Eagle drop,
need to let my Eagle drop ♪
Yeah, yeah, I don't care,
war gear, I declare ♪
Guns! Wow.
Could've used a heads-up about that.
- Lot of guns over here.
- (MUSIC STOPS)
Oh.
Sorry, I just noticed all the weaponry.
I didn't know if something was afoot,
or if the safeties were on, or what.
(SNICKERING)
Hey, 'Rell, you know he a rapper?
Thought he was a new intern.
No, 'Rell. You've got me all wrong.
I'm actually one of
the best rappers alive.
- (ALL SCOFFING)
- Yeah. And in five years,
you're gonna replay this entire moment
and be like, "Wow,
not only was he right,
but I was so lucky to spend
that quality time with him
before he really took off".
That's what every rapper
say. The same shit.
Well, every good rapper
has to feel that way.
Do you want to pull up the
session that I want to work on
with you and see if I'm
just like every other
- You be fucking black bitches, Lil Dicky?
- (CHUCKLES)
You said, "Do I fuck black bitches?"
Do you fuck black bitches, Lil Dicky?
Well, statistically,
I certainly skew white.
- (LAUGHTER)
- So, what kind of hos you fuck with,
then, Lil Dicky?
What type of hos? Well, you
know, I've got a girlfriend.
So, I typically fuck with
her. Fuck on her. All that.
- (CHUCKLING)
- Real cute girl.
- Honestly, the sex is very solid.
- (LAUGHTER)
Uh, she has recently just
switched birth controls, though,
- which her vagina gets dryer faster, which
- Damn.
- I'm giving way too much information.
- Bruh.
- Her pussy really dry?
- (OTHERS GROAN)
- Sometimes.
- Oh, yo.
I will keep my ear to the pussy
the next time I'm in that ass,
or pussy, I guess,
'cause I've never done anal.
- Don't think I'd like it very much.
- (CHUCKLES)
Are you guys going to
Coachella this year or what?
- (LAUGHTER)
- Hey, man. Hold up, man.
I got to get you on my Instagram, bruh.
Oh, is it a video or a picture?
It's a video, bruh. Spit some shit.
You funny as fuck.
Rap to the fans, Lil Dicky.
- (EXCITED CHATTER)
- Oh, I don't know about that, I don't
Spit some shit, Lil Dicky. Rap!
You know, I'm really, I
wasn't prepared at all
for this type of thing.
Don't film yet. Are you
filming? I don't, uh
- I don't know.
- Man, I thought this dude was a rapper.
Man, yo, Peter Parker's
scared to rap. Hey, D.
Fuck it, man. Hey, let's
make a beat from scratch.
Fuck this nigga.
(PLAYING DRUMBEAT)
Wait.
(METRONOME BEEPING)
Allow me to tell
y'all what I'm 'bout ♪
- (LAUGHTER)
- Like a dinner, you got reservations ♪
But I'm 'bout to
eat up all the doubt ♪
Hey, come on, I'm a
flower, let me sprout ♪
Lookin' like I'm
straight out of Comic-Con ♪
Scrawny Don, hungry, Ramadan ♪
My mama wrong, she
don't think I got a job ♪
But I'm-a make great cheese
like Parmesan, I'm hardly on ♪
But the rent paid ♪
'Cause you know the pussy
flow good, I menstruate ♪
If we got off on the
wrong foot like Bengay ♪
It's because I'm higher
than a bitch, men's pay ♪
Rappers thinkin' that
they hot, blow your nose ♪
Motherfuckers, it's not,
I ain't never fought a man ♪
In my life, I have only slept with ♪
Four different girls, still
you could get it, though ♪
Get every crevice, though,
come on some chicken ♪
- Like fresh mozzarella, hella good Ebonics ♪
- (OOHING)
I think like a comic,
my females got bombs ♪
On their body like
they were jihadists ♪
And my libido is scary like
Magic Johnson near mosquitoes ♪
Mm, I'm tactical, I'm back and forth ♪
From actin' dull to rappin'
for you, attractin', lurin' ♪
The faction formin', the
track's recorded, it's about ♪
To put me on the racks
like a fashion store ♪
I just want a girl let
me hit it on a workday ♪
I don't think my
dick has grown at all ♪
Since the first grade,
I'm-a get the cake ♪
With my gifts like a birthday ♪
Separatin' with my
lines like two lanes ♪
I don't want a
Grammy, bro, I got two ♪
And they're fairly old, stay
with more bars than a graph ♪
I'm on top of the class,
hop in a bath with a bad ♪
Little lady with ass, I'm
makin' her laugh, the neck ♪
Like a baby giraffe, shakin'
it fast, makin' it last ♪
Haters amass, sayin' I'm bad,
it's like an eighth grader ♪
Trainin' the class, it's
crazy and blasphemous ♪
I'm 'bout to break 'em in
half, I'm makin' my path ♪
I'm waitin' on my break like
a cast, somebody get a boy ♪
A gig, he got drive and flash. ♪
Like a flash drive.
(ALL GASPING, LAUGHING)
- He kind of tight. Yeah.
- Damn.
Hey, Lil Dicky bitch, if you listening,
hit him with that slickness tonight!
- Oh-oh-oh. Uh
- None of that dry shit.
Don't take that birth
control till tomorrow, baby.
- (LAUGHTER)
- DAVE: Did you post that already?
Please don't post that. Did you post it?
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Hey, I'm tired, bro.
- I'm going. Let's go.
- (LAUGHING)
Wait, where are you guys going?
Oh, we got a quick Europe run.
We'll be back in a few weeks.
A few weeks? What do you
mean? What about the verse?
Oh. Oh, nah, nah.
We'll take care of that when I get back.
- Well, I would love to settle up right now.
- Yo, yo, yo.
Why you pressin' me, bro?
I don't like that shit. Twin.
DAVE: Wait.
Wait a minute. Just
slow down. I don't
Are you gonna change your
number between now and then?
I said I got you.
W-Wait a minute. Hold on.
Hold the phone. Hold on, hold on.
(ENGINE RUMBLING)
Yo, yo.
Hey, man, uh, so, I paid
you guys my life savings
to get on one of my songs,
and we were supposed
to work on it tonight,
and that did not happen.
Damn, bro.
My bad.
- You know, I don't
- Bro, don't trip.
When I get back, we
gonna do something crazy.
- A'ight?
- You promise?
I got you.
We good?
Yeah, we're good.
(SIGHS)
(PHONE VIBRATING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
- (CAR DEPARTING)
-
(SIGHS)
Man, YG get a couple
hits, go all Hollywood.
Had me out here for an hour, bro.
Did he do the verse or what?
No, he didn't do the verse.
He did put me on his Instagram
rapping for, like, two minutes.
- He put you on his Instagram rapping?
- Yeah, and it's going viral.
- I can't believe that.
- Yeah, look.
- (DAVE RAPPING ON PHONE)
- Dang, that
This is way sicker than a verse.
He basically directed a
music video for you, bro.
Gata, I am incredibly high.
Would you drive my car?
I got you, bro. Let's wiggle.
Okay.
Hey, be honest with me.
Were you just using me to
get into the studio with them?
(SCOFFS) Man, you know I got
to do what I got to do, bro.
I'm a positive opportunist.
- You know how I gander and wiggle.
- I know.
We 'posed to be like Kobe and
Shaq, bro. I got to get mine.
You 'posed to throw it off
the glass, bro. I rap, too.
- Like, what's good? I ain't
- No, I'm not mad. I
I'm honored to be a part of
your gander, as you would put it.
I think it's cool.
I think we're gonna be
telling this story at,
- like, our 50th birthday parties.
- 50th birthday party?
What's really good with this weekend?
- What's the plot, fool?
- (ENGINE STARTS)
I'm not doing anything this weekend.
I need to rest.
My dick sucks, my dick sucks ♪
My dick sucks, fuck! ♪
My dick sucks, my dick sucks ♪
My dick sucks, fuck! ♪
Hey, girl, hey, girl ♪
Hey, girl, what you
tryin' to say, girl? ♪
When you see my dick, you may hurl ♪
But I'm still kind
of hot like May, girl ♪
Whoa, girl, whoa, girl ♪
I'm just tryin' to
let you know, girl ♪
My dick sucks fo' sho', girl ♪
But I make up for that ♪
Like, even though my dick is shorty ♪
It sit there like it's Gotti ♪
And it do good work like Gandhi ♪
And it might grow more
like Brawny, probably not ♪
Got bitches in the lobby,
their body language obvi ♪
If five-inches the over-under,
I'm underdog like Rocky ♪
They don't care about my cock ♪
I could use a pussy mop ♪
In the scene like I'm a prop ♪
She saw me and went in shock ♪
Technically I'm unemployed ♪