Daytime Divas (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Three, two, one Call the network; tell them I am not going to the corporate retreat.
It's a boy's club.
I refuse to be paraded around as the token female in a leadership role.
And then, confirm my ticket to Paris for that weekend.
Oh, no, I won't back down from a fight I wore that six months ago.
Take that out of rotation, then have it wrapped.
I'll give it to my cleaning lady for her birthday.
Mike, quit with the blue gel.
We have black ladies on camera.
You know better than that.
And one more thing, everyone No, no, no, nothing better Have a great show.
It doesn't get better than me In all my years reporting the news, I've interviewed presidents, princes, and pop stars, but there are other voices that I wanted to be heard.
So, a decade ago, I created a show, where women could sit down and say what's on their minds.
And, boy, do they ever.
We have a real slice of American pie, who puts faith and family first; a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist with a passion for justice; a child star who is all grown up, Her key O.
V.
is O.
M.
G.
; and a real live wire who will crack you up while she's tearing you down.
And me, Maxine Robinson.
I'm in the left chair every day at noon on The Lunch Hour, where no topic is taboo.
(Whoosh) Female Announcer: Alright, everyone, hang tight during the commercial break.
Our host will be back - in just a few moments.
- Okay, now, stay in there.
Hey, hey, careful! They're real.
(Sighs) Damn, Nina, could you look more nauseous? Well, I am about to go on national television in a bathing suit.
Oh, please let there be another coup in Turkey so we're pre-empted.
Oh my gosh, those poor Turks.
But is that a possibility, because I am not at my pageant weight.
Oh, this is nothing.
Four years ago, Maxine made me do an on-air colonic.
Big surprise! I was full of shit! Back from commercial in 60 seconds.
- I've got ear buds.
- Get away from me! Oh, Shawn, can we turn the heat up in here? Wardrobe, nipple covers for Heather.
Thanks.
(Gasps) (Upbeat electronic music) Your move, Oprah! Wow! Maxine, you look banging! Well, you look okay, baby girl.
This is so genius.
Just by going out there like this, we're empowering women to feel more comfortable in their bodies.
No, we are empowering women.
You are jump-starting a generation of eating disorders.
- Maxine, stage needs you.
- All right.
See you out there, ladies.
Oh, Maxine, I'm having a few issues with this segment.
I thought you'd be happy.
You're always saying how you represent the every woman.
And I can assure you every woman that I know would not want to be standing next to Kibby in a bathing suit.
So, look, hear me out; I have an idea.
How about you cancel this segment? I could do 10 minutes of stand-up, with pants.
And no one wants to see that.
How about you listen to your boss, get out there in your bathing suit, and show the audience something else they don't want to see.
Shawn: Alright, let's go.
Let's go.
Everyone's cell phones to Leon, as soon as Leon gets done on his phone.
Okay, final sitting everybody.
Announcer: We're back at The Lunch Hour.
Once again, here's Maxine.
(Audience cheering loudly) It is the scariest time in a woman's life: bathing suit season.
But today, The Lunch Hour is bravely taking back the beach.
(Audience cheering) We have never been more real.
No Spanx, no filters, no emergency lipo.
Oh, please.
Maxine has been nipping and tucking since she turned 35.
Which is the year she celebrated her 25th birthday.
Shhh! The audience can hear you.
Yeah, let them keep believing that no one touches that woman's flawlessly aging face.
That's her brand, you know.
Everyone deserves to feel good in their own skin.
All ages, all sizes.
Am I right? (Audience cheering) So, let's start with our newest co-host.
You know, it seems like yesterday that we fell in love with her as "Lacey from Outer Spacey", but now she's all grown up.
Kibby, come on out.
(Crowd cheering loudly) Well, if we're being really real, Maxine, these days I'm most famous for my mug shot, followed by my stint in rehab.
Screw that little juvenile delinquent.
I'm the funny one.
Oh, can you put a bit more concealer on my leg.
I never have time to fake bake.
(Audience cheering) Maxine: Next up, Nina is ready for surf and sand! (Audience cheering) Well, apparently, I've gone from reporting in a tank to modelling a tankini.
Screw her and her Pulitzer Prize.
I am the funny one.
Maxine: Flish-flash.
Here comes Mo.
(Cheers and applause) Oh, I'm so real, I didn't even wax.
Mo, get that bush out of here.
- (Audience laughing) - And last but not least, ready for the ocean, or perhaps Elisabeth Hasselbeck's summer wing-ding.
Heather, come on out there.
(Cheers and applause) Come on, Heather, show more skin.
Well, as the saying goes, modesty's hottest.
Well, hell, even Jesus would want to tap that.
(Laughs) Maxine, intro the suit.
Well, Heather's suit is both modest and won't break the bank.
There's nothing cuter than scoring a bargain.
Kibby, please be mindful that bargain basement clothing is a direct result of third world nations paying underage - workers below poverty wages.
- Well, if the unions hadn't - ruined American manufacturing - So, now, you're - pro-child labour? - No, no, do not put words - in my mouth, Nina.
- Come on, Nina.
Lighten up, okay? We're not on Rachel Maddow.
Heather, why don't you show us how you pageant girls do it? Well, shoulders back, chin up, stomach in, and then toe, heel, toe, heel, turn.
And that's how I won - Miss South Savannah.
- Well, Heather, you would have won Miss America if you walked like me.
You've got to put a little swag on.
Ooh, yeah.
Oops! - (Audience gasping) - That's our Mo.
- Charm school dropout.
- No, I know how to walk in hooker heels, okay? I just slipped on something.
(Laughs) Oh, Maxine, look, - it was your vagina.
- (Audience gasping) - Ow! - All cameras, stay on the hosts' faces.
Okay, camera two, get off Mo now.
- (Clamouring) - Cut all the mics except Nina's.
Camera three, go close on Nina.
Nina, say the goodbyes now.
(All clamouring) Ah, see you all on Monday.
And, as always, lunch is on us.
(Crowd cheering) Alright, let's go, let's go.
Move it, move it, move.
Move, move, move.
Isn't the soap what got you fired from that stupid space show? Well, maybe you shouldn't be so judgey if you don't know what the F you're talking about.
Great, now I'm on a show where girls wrestle in their underwear.
- Ladies, please, please stop fighting.
- Oh, the fight is over! Mo, get the hell out of here.
You are fired! Oh, please, Maxine! You can't fire me.
I've gone viral.
Oh, yeah, more people are seeing me talk about your chocha than watch your show.
I get you buzz! You need me.
Hmm.
Co-hosts come and go, I stay.
- It's my show.
- That was in the toilet.
That's why the network forced you to hire me.
They're not going to let you fire the most popular co-host.
Oh, yeah, they will 'cause I created it! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I know you may have created it, boo.
But right now, I own it.
I own! (Dramatic instrumental music) Oh, Maxine look It-it was your vagina Oh, Maxine, look It-it-it was your vagina Oh, Maxine, look It-it-it was your vagina Heads up, she's coming! Come on, put it away.
- (Light pop music) - (Clears throat) Hey, Maxine, trust me, these viral videos have, like, a 30-second shelf life.
I mean, every Friday afternoon, the paparazzi film my walk of shame into the probation office, - and the Internet goes crazy.
- As if that wasn't hard enough.
Well, T.
P.
I.
, these videos The point is, these videos trend for, like, five minutes, and then somebody uploads a video of a dog barking - Happy Birthday, and it's over.
- Don't worry about me.
You take care of yourself.
You're a real asset to the show.
I've already forgotten about Mo.
(Yells) In one second, that bottom feeder made me - look old and foolish! - The audience tunes in to - see her say things like that.
- No, they tune in to see me leading discussions that relate to their lives.
- Yeah, Mom - It's my show! I am the left chair.
How can I interview presidents and Joe Jonas, when all they're thinking about is my aging coot? The network will put me out to pasture.
- That is ridiculous.
- Tom Brokaw is called distinguished and wise.
Because I'm a woman, - I'm called irrelevant.
- No, they call you - elegant and incisive.
- Oh, I don't need an ass-kisser, my own son.
I'll be off the grid for - the rest of the day.
- But we have a promo meeting.
Send my regrets.
On second thought, tell the women I am going to the network to discuss adding another co-host.
We absolutely do not need another co-host.
Shawn, don't you dare let them add another comic.
All these shows only have one comic.
If anything, we need more - boring people like you, Nina.
- How about we all play nice and approve the new campaign? Love.
Can we go now? Yeah, so Kibby's the only one who signed off.
- Sure.
- Well, after what you said to Maxine today, I'd approve the ad.
I'm not the felon who started the shoving match.
Ladies, Maxine was kind enough to give you - all photo approval.
- With all due respect, our - agents fought like Hades for us.
- For Chrissake, just say hell.
For heaven's sake, don't - take the Lord's name in vain.
- I just need sign off, please.
- Alright.
- No, everybody's smiling, - and I'm the only one scowling.
- You look edgy, which is exactly what you wanted the last go around.
Okay, if everyone's being honest, the shadow - gives me a moustache.
- And I kind of look - like a weather girl.
- And, as Maxine promised I'd be doing some investigative reporting, I need to - look more serious.
- Guess what, ladies? This is what you look like.
(Laughs) Damn! Over a million views on YouTube.
This vagine video is an epidemic.
I made Maxine's tired old business popular.
The woman should pay me more.
As someone who's been a victim of cyberbullying, can I just say you might want to take Maxine's feelings - into consideration.
- Maxine has feelings? Child, please.
Right now, you're Maxine's little baby.
But one day, sooner than you think, she'll have a brand-new baby, and then you're going to get a taste of what she's really like and how disposable we all are.
Yo, Heath, you got a sec? - Yeah, I'll be in my room.
- Leon, grab me a case of bottled water, the good shit with the bubbles, and meet me at my car in 10.
Heath! - Hey.
- (Knocks) I know; I cut you off during the round table.
Yeah, don't do it again.
But that's not why I'm here.
What's up with all the concealer? I am pale.
(Laughs) Alright, I just want to ask you Is Brad getting rough with you? And I don't mean in the fun way.
Are you implying that my husband is abusing me? Well, no, I'm just saying he could have a bit of a temper, because you are a little annoying.
We're fine! And when you have a relationship that lasts longer than this conversation, - you can comment on mine.
- Okay, baby, I guess you're just anemic and bruise easily.
Eat some liver.
- (Door thudding closed) - (Sighs) (Reporters clamouring) Back it up.
Back it up.
Kibby.
- (Click) - (Office din) Sorry it's so full.
I had a coconut water on the way over.
- Is this going to come back clean? - Totally, and I've been - going to my meetings.
- Are you still employed? Yes! And she's doing fabulously.
- Maxine? - Uh, Officer Gonzalez, it's time to stop this nonsense and end Miss Ainsley's probation.
The young lady assaulted her co-star while on a coke binge.
- She's got another year to go.
- Well, as an officer, - you can petition the judge.
- You celebrities think you deserve special treatment.
Well, I don't play that.
Nor should you.
I'm just asking you to treat - Kibby as any other civilian.
- That would send - the wrong message.
- I understand.
Uh, you might want to tune in to The Lunch Hour on Monday.
We're doing a segment on government waste and using Kibby's probation as an example.
You do realize you hired three extra officers to fend off her paparazzi, money that could be spent on schools, roads, saving shelter puppies.
But I get it, you don't want to send the wrong message.
See ya Monday! Yes! Yes! 1.
4 million views! - (Moans) - Yes! Yes! - I (Bleep) love you! - If you're not going to talk dirty, don't talk at all.
But also, don't stop.
Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop! - Here's my favorite patient.
- Ah, I should be.
I paid for two of your kids' bar mitzvahs.
- I'll lift a little here.
- Just make sure you lose - my resting bitch face.
- I saw the show today.
As long as we're sedating you, I can freshen you - up down there, too.
- I'm a teenager down there.
I just bought it a dress for its quinceañera.
Just the face.
And remember Right, I know the drill: Make it look natural.
Micro-incisions under the hairline.
- Camera-ready by Monday.
- (Sighs) (Breathing) (Machine beeping) - Looking good, Maxine.
- Doctor, oxygen level's - dropping; heart rate, too.
- Turn up the O2.
- I did! - All the way.
I did! It's still dropping.
Cut me off the bagger.
(Dramatic instrumental music) Call City Memorial.
Alert the on-call team.
Now! (Machine beeping) (Upbeat pop music) Well, my crib's right here.
I'm good for another round if you want to come up and, uh Oh, I'm not getting out in this neighborhood.
Hey, uh, so you want to come with me to my niece's birthday party tomorrow? Like, it'll be fun.
You'll meet my family.
- There's a bouncy house.
- Oh, Leon.
We do it in the car.
You're a P.
A.
with benefits.
Look, Mo, I wasn't fun before.
- I love you.
- No Oh, you're so cute! No, you don't.
Look, we should take this to the next level.
I mean, you don't have sex like we do unless you feel something.
Okay, you know what? It's been great, and God knows I'll miss that dick of yours, but our little play dates are over.
Mo, give us a chance.
I know I'm a lot younger, but Alright, get out.
- I've got to go.
- (Click) Bye.
I'm going to miss that.
Mmm.
I don't understand; my husband is perfectly healthy.
Normal sperm densities are 50 million to 200 million per millilitre.
You're under five million.
- I'm practically non-existent.
- But there's still a chance we can conceive, right? - At his levels, I've never seen it.
- But it could happen.
Nina, she's trying to tell us we need to move on.
- We're not going to get pregnant.
- No! (Chuckles) Come on, Andrew! You work at the White House.
You're running for Congress.
Call the surgeon general; maybe they're working on a new procedure or a pill or - (Cell phone playing a song) - (Sighs) - Sorry, babe, it's work.
- It's okay.
Take it.
(Cell phone playing a song) Shawn, now is not a good time.
(Dramatic instrumental music) - Wait, what? - (Office din) Oh, my God! (Pencil scratching) - Carry the two, I think.
- Your hair looks really - pretty today, Mommy.
- Oh, thank you, baby.
(Cell phone chimes) Savannah, can you help Brad with this? - I'm Ella.
- But just at home, remember? And not in front of Daddy.
(Whispers) Thank you.
I have to get to the city, Evelyn.
Get Brad Jr.
into some boy clothes before his - father gets home.
- I will try, but Junior's - very stubborn, you know.
- Thanks.
Mmm-mmm.
(Upbeat pop music) You try to break it down Well, tell me now Oh, no, no, no.
Let go of that top! - Me first! - Do you know who I am? A rude loudmouth! Hey, girl! - Samara, baby.
- Both: Mwah, mwah.
(Laughing) Come on, girl! But seriously, let go of the top.
- Let go of it! - You know what? You should give it to Maxine.
It'll be the perfect - apology blouse.
- Why does everybody think I owe an apology to that army tank in a wig? You know how it is being on a talk show.
- The blind ambition.
- Working with your B.
F.
F.
s.
- The backstabbing.
- Post-show cocktails.
Yeah.
I mean, I experience that, too.
- Right? - Yeah.
Wake up smiling, knowing that I get to go to work.
Okay, Princess Perky, turn down the sunshine a bit.
I'm sorry, I just can't help myself.
We really do have the best job in the world.
- We cannot mess it up.
- I'm not planning on it, - believe me.
- You know what happens to the ladies who don't play by the rules? - They get the ax.
- And you end up doing old lady calcium commercials.
But trust me, that is - not going to be me.
- Awesome! Because there's no openings at The Real.
- (Chuckles uncomfortably) - (Cell phone buzzes) Oh, excuse me.
Hey, Heath! Get to City Memorial Hospital now.
(Whispers) I've got to go.
What? I know we've got to get ahead of the press.
Okay, Maxine Robinson, creator of The Lunch Hour - has fallen into a coma - Maxine is in very good hands.
- You can see her now.
- Thanks.
- Ladies, you can head in now.
- fallen into a coma following a severe reaction to anesthesia administered while undergoing minor throat surgery.
(Dramatic instrumental music) (Sniffles) I think that we should say a prayer for Maxine's recovery.
- (Sighs in disgust) - (Sighs loudly) Dear Lord, please hear our prayer So, Shawn said that this happened during throat surgery? as we ask for you to return to us the Maxine that we know and love.
We Throat surgery, please! I mean, come on.
Shhh! She was just yelling at me In your name we pray! Amen.
- Amen.
- (Machine beeps) Praise the Lord, okay.
So, are we going to do - the show on Monday? - Oh, my God! - You are so crass! - What? I know you were thinking the same thing! I think that Mo has a point.
Maxine's life was her work.
- I think we should do the show.
- You only want to do Monday's show, because we're promoting your new book, - The Subservient Wife.
- It's The Fulfilled Wife, and that is not why I want to do the show.
Well, I think we should cancel, out of respect.
Oh, please, Nina.
Okay, nobody's in the mood for your high-handed journalistic integrity.
Well, at least one person here has integrity.
Do you really think it's very Christian to want - to do Monday's show? - Do not tell me what is - Christian, you little lesbian! - Oh! - I'm sexually fluid.
- Get your hand out of my face.
(All four women shouting) I have to call you back.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Shut the hell up! - That was her I'm talking to you! Are you nuts? This hospital is crawling with people with big mouths.
Any of them could be talking to the tabloids.
In case you're wondering, we're doing a show on Monday; the network insisted.
This must be very hard for you, Shawn, but don't worry; we will cancel all of our engagements, and we will be here for you 24/7.
Don't cancel anything.
Doctor says she could be like this for a while.
- I guess that settles it.
- Hmm, no, not everything is settled.
Who's getting the left chair? Maxine's chair? (Light pop music) Excuse me.
(Footsteps) - My God! - Mmm.
- She's shameless.
- I'm telling you.
Look, I don't care how much she whines about the Boko Haram and little sad girls in Afghanistan who can't go to school, Nina has her eyes set on that left chair.
- I know it; I know it.
- You guys are both just pissed that she beat you to it.
(Hospital din) Hey, if anyone can pull through this, your mother can.
She looks so helpless.
- Baby, I love you so much.
- Not here.
(Upbeat pop music) Morning! - Hey, baby.
- Hmm.
- (Smooch) - How's Maxine? (Sighs) The same.
I'm losing it.
You should've seen me go off on Heather and Mo.
I'm sure those hacks deserved it.
Not even.
I need to get my butt - to a meeting tonight.
- How about we watch an episode of Intervention and then go out dancing? I don't want to go out! I just got my probation lifted, thanks to Maxine.
Like there wasn't anything in it for her? She's been so good to me, Nick.
She gave me a job when everyone said I was a disaster.
She gave you a job because you scored when you guested on her show.
Yeah, and that job saved my life.
- If something happens to her - Babe, don't obsess.
It'll work out.
You got to let go.
You're allowed to dance, aren't you? (Upbeat dance sting) - (Reporters clamouring) - (Quietly) Can you try to act happy? I got Junior into a shirt and a tie.
(Quietly) He's wearing girl's underpants.
Well, then you should be proud that your child can compromise.
You're giving in to him.
Turning him into a girl.
She said she's a girl since the day she understood the word.
It's God's will, and God doesn't make mistakes.
Female Reporter: Heather, any updates on Maxine? Her condition is grave.
I ask that everyone, please, pray for her recovery.
- (Reporters clamouring) - You've got to start accepting her as Ella.
You know we can't keep it a secret forever.
Come on, sweetie.
(Hip-hop music) Kibby: I've never been to the club without pre-gaming.
See? We can be here just to dance.
Hey, you're "Lacey from Outer Spacey".
I used to crush on you so bad.
- Uh, you guys want a drink? - No, thank you.
- None for me.
- Nick, I'm fine.
Have a drink.
Okay.
Hey, man, whatever these ladies want.
On me.
Maxine Robinson, a host of The Lunch Hour, remains in stable condition after falling into a coma Mom, you'd be happy.
You made the top story of every newscast.
Man: (on TV) We will continue to keep you appraised And you made the C.
N.
N.
crawl.
Wake up so you can see it.
Please? Man: (on TV) Maxine Roberts continues to be on a dire health watch.
Mo: I mean, are we havin' sex or are you tryin' to get some Wi-Fi up in here? Alright y'all, stay beautiful, stay black, except for the white people.
Please, stop tryin' to be black.
- (Audience laughter) - Goodnight.
- (Cheers and applause) - Male Announcer: Alright, everybody, put your hands together for Mo Evans.
- (Cheers and applause) - Isn't she awesome? (Hip-hop music in background) I know I'm sexual napalm, but you've got to get over me, seriously.
Look, so tonight's not a waste, why don't you sit down, I'll get you a comp.
Yeah, I can't be out late tonight.
I've got a production meeting at - the hospital in the morning.
- On a Sunday? - Wait a minute, nobody told me.
- Well, stuff's happening fast, - you know, Maxine.
- I know.
It's all everybody's talkin' about.
Like nobody ever been in a coma before.
I got a video of us.
Sex video.
From last week, when we were doing it by the Brooklyn Bridge.
I'm thinkin' tons of people out there would be very interested in this video.
(Scoffs) Are you kidding me? Yeah, I want everybody to see it.
Upload it now.
I could post it to Twitter.
We can do it again and, like, live feed it.
Look, stop.
You do not want anybody to see this video.
It shows you having sex with me.
An underling! Remember that sexual harassment seminar? Well, I learned some stuff.
You ratchet-ass fetch boy.
I could get fired.
- Oh, I know.
(Laughs) - (Scoffs) Look, um I don't know who you think you playin' with, but I busted my ass to get where I am to have some fake-ass homeboy ruin it - for me - (Sniffs) All I want is you What do you want? (Driving dance music) Kibby! What a coincidence.
You're here, I'm here.
- How did you find me? - I'm just out for the night, - having a good time.
- Instagram? - But I blocked you.
- Well, maybe if you would answer my phone calls, I wouldn't have to get all gorgeous and come down here.
I'm getting a restraining order against you.
Is that how you treat your mother? You should be ashamed.
I'll make this quick.
My bank account is empty.
If you don't make a deposit soon, I can make life very unpleasant for you, and I know how much you hate family conflict.
Don't touch me.
Dragging on and on Like we're children Dragging on and on What's the difference? Dragging on and on Like we're children - Dragging on and on - Kibs, seriously? It's okay.
I just needed to let go.
- Like you said.
- I hope that it follows you This ghost of mine I hope that it follows you Oh, man, um, I usually hate interrupting but - I got some party favours.
- (Clapping) - (Laughing) - (Sexy music playing) (Snorting) Ooh It's all about me It's all about me Ooh - (Bottle smashing outside) - I set myself free I set myself free I set myself free (Knocking on door) Officer: Police, open the door.
- Just a sec! Shit.
- Shit, I just got off of a probation.
Officer: Open the door, now! We're getting dressed! Go hide.
- (Traffic din outside) - (Door sliding open) - Ma'am? - Officers, how can I help you? We've had several reports of dangerous objects being thrown out of a window here.
Step aside.
- Sir, step aside.
- (Dramatic instrumental music) Hands on the table.
You're under arrest.
During the meeting, I'll need you to direct speak up if you have any thoughts.
Hey, Shawn, I've got some great ideas.
I'm sure, but right now, your job is to hand out tote bags.
- (Hospital din) - Hey.
- How's Maxine doing? - No change.
- (Dramatic instrumental music) - So, for Monday's show I really need you.
- I'm here right now.
- That's not what I mean.
We are wasting time, Nina.
Look how life changes.
Your mom is going to be fine.
She's the strongest woman I know.
Yeah, just as strong as you.
- Leave Andrew.
- You know I want to, but I can't.
- You've been saying that for a year.
- (Sighs) Shawn.
Things have gotten really complicated, and there's stuff that I need to work out.
But right now, Andrew needs me.
- So do I.
- There are things about me that you don't know and if you did Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Oh, wow.
I didn't know we were having a production meeting today.
I was just here to visit Maxine.
I called in some segment producers since we - have to change up the show.
- Oh, a few segment producers - and Nina? - Well, I'm just here to see - Maxine too.
- Oh, how thoughtful.
Look, I know what's going on.
You're giving Nina the left chair.
And no offence to Nina, but she can be a downer, and that's not what our viewers need right now, you know.
Actually, I'm exactly what they need.
A grounding force to help them navigate through this difficult time.
You know, I haven't thought about who's getting left chair.
But when you do, just remember that I am the host that can add levity, you know.
Laughter through tears, that sort of thing.
Hey, Shawn, I figured you could use a home-cooked meal, so I made you my famous chicken cobbler casserole.
- I need the dish back.
- That's very kind.
I'm here for you.
And for our viewers.
They look to me for spiritual guidance, which is going to be - very important going forward.
- And I assume you want left chair.
Well, if you think that I should have it, then I will rise to the occasion.
- Kibby: Hey, guys.
- Damn.
You look a little rough around the edges.
Long night? And let me guess, you want left chair too? What? No, I'm here to see Maxine.
Oh, good, I'll go with.
I want to get some credit for coming.
You know what, Kibs, um, why don't you go ahead without me? Despite what you think about me, I do realize that you and Maxine have a special relationship with each other.
Oh.
Okay, wow.
You put on a big front, but you're really a good person.
Hmm! No, I'm not.
(Whimsical instrumental music) (Rustling) (Beep, click) Hey.
I hope you can hear me.
- Um - (Hospital din) I just wanted to say that everybody misses you.
Even Mo.
(Laughs) And, um - (Dramatic instrumental music) - I screwed up big time last night.
I used my mother as an excuse and I, I used you and I mean, I could be in jail right now.
But I guess you were watching over me or I don't know how family is supposed to treat each other.
But I think it's the way you treat me.
So, I know it's selfish, but I need you to come back.
(Shaky) Please.
(Whimsical instrumental music) Oh, Shawn, wait up, wait up, wait up.
- Yeah, Mo.
- Got my heels on.
Um, just in case you were on the fence about the left chair, I think I have something that might help sway you.
Blepharoplasty? That's an eyebrow lift, which is cosmetic surgery.
I love my medical shows.
Jesus, Mo, what the hell is wrong with you? No, no, really.
I would love to stick to the party line "throat surgery", but I'll take it into consideration.
Yeah, you really should.
I mean, because Maxine has always claimed to never have had cosmetic surgery.
You know, it's her "brand".
It would be such a betrayal if her audience found out she wasn't as real as she claimed.
I mean, how could they ever trust her again? But don't worry, I swear to goodness I will do everything I can to protect her little secret.
Oh.
These are for your mom.
Make sure she knows they're from me.
(Upbeat instrumental music) Okay, so, I want my hair to look professional yet - sympathetic, is that clear? - I need my hair to look hip yet holy.
Ramona, hey, you're back on breakfast duty.
I thought it was Leon's job.
- I've got earbuds.
- Aah! Uh, Ramona, can you do it? You're gentler.
Can't.
I am not head P.
A.
anymore.
- Yeah, I got promoted.
- How? You've been here like five minutes.
Hard work pays off.
I guess the higher-ups took notice.
Yeah, that he has a penis.
(Laughs) I know you are not callin' sexism in this menstrual height.
You know, maybe this time ability won out.
And Leon never gets my scones wrong.
Uh, Ramona, you gave me a raisin one.
I specifically asked for blueberry.
Sorry, I was just trying to save you from going on T.
V.
with blue teeth.
- Uh, is there gluten in this? - Alright, whatever.
I can't have, like, I can't have any of this, 'cause I can't have Ramona: Yeah, I'm going to grab it, okay.
So, how you liking your new job? Well, still carrying this crap.
Well, just sit tight, 'cause this queen is rising to the top.
Heather: I can't eat these.
- Ramona: I know, I'm sorry.
- Heather: I'll get so sick.
Shawn: (On P.
A.
) Okay, Camera 2, careful with Heather.
Don't shoot her from the right.
It makes her nuts.
- Shawn.
How are you? - Hanging in there.
- Trying to stay positive.
- Good.
That's great to hear.
The network knows your mother is your first priority, and she should be, but we just want to make sure that you're okay to produce the show today.
Of course.
I actually spent all weekend working on this amazing Good, good.
This is the most important - episode you'll ever produce.
- The one without my mother.
We expect a huge tune-in.
So, every segment has to be - buzz-worthy.
Water cooler.
- How about we just wheel my mother out on stage? - (Laughing) - Who's left chair? - Mo.
- Mo? She's abrasive.
And, um, maybe a little to too urban? Oh, you did not just say that.
- Say what? - (Laughing) - Just put Nina left chair.
- But I think it's important to have some levity now.
You know, laughter through the tears.
Nina.
Nina! Good luck! (Sighs) Fly fl-fly fly fly Fly girls do it, do it That's the way, the way The real fly girls do it Do it, do it Fly fly girls do it, do it That's the way, the way - The real fly girls do it - Shawn's on the line.
Gee, I hope I can figure out which icon is for speaker phone.
Shawn: (On phone) Ladies, I have full faith we're going - to put on a great show today.
- Who's the left chair? - (Dramatic instrumental music) - Nina.
Network's decision.
Shawn, um, I'll do my best to make your mother proud.
I know you will.
I know you all will.
I'll be directing you from the hospital, but you'll still be - hearing me through your earbuds.
- Okay, phones to Ramona.
Oh, yeah.
You're going to crush it, Nina.
You're the right choice, Nina.
Break a leg, Ni.
Thanks, guys.
Your support means a lot.
Female Announcer: Today on The Lunch Hour, updates on Maxine's condition, and Heather previews her new book.
Here they are: Kibby, Heather, - Mo and Nina.
- (Cheers and applause) Oh, gosh, I am just truly honoured What the hell, Mo! to be sitting in the left chair.
- No, no, no.
- (Phone ringing) We want to thank our audience for all of their get-well wishes.
It's so awesome that everyone loves Maxine as much as we do.
- (Audience applause) - (Soft groan) Mo: (On T.
V.
) For today's round table topic Mom? Mom, are you Mom, mom, hey, mom, can you hear me? Oh, doesn't it feel good to laugh? I think we should say a prayer for Maxine.
I suppose you want to lead us? Well, thank you for asking.
- Doctor! - (Monitors beeping) Dear, Lord, please give Maxine the strength to recover Doctor! and return to her rightful position in the left chair.
- Mom? - (Monitors beeping) Her vitals have returned to normal.
She's out of the woods.
Ah! - Shawn.
- Mom, hey, I'm here.
- Hand me a mirror.
- You're back.
You were in a coma for three days, but everything's okay.
- Everything's fine.
- (Audience applause on T.
V.
) That's very nice.
Um, so, today's roundtable topic - Oh, I'll turn that off.
- What is Mo doing in my chair? What what happened while I was out? Well, uh, you were trending on Twitter ahead of Beyoncé.
- Everyone sent flowers.
- Did Oprah? Barbara Walters sent a teddy bear.
(Sighs) Shawn, read me the Post.
- You should rest.
- Shawn, read me the Post.
If not, I'll get the nurse to do it.
- (Rustling) - "Backstage fighting at The Lunch Hour, hosts vie for Maxine's chair.
" - (Rustling) - Those ungrateful bitches! Why don't we call the show and tell 'em that you're back? My body wasn't even cold yet, and they're tryin' to steal my show.
Mo: Alright, so, today's roundtable topic is a topic that's had a huge impact on all of us Surgical outpatient centres.
Oh, we can blame Obamacare for these clinics springing up.
Are you blaming Obama for Maxine's coma? - And Hillary.
- Mo: (On T.
V.
) Ooh.
Shawn, tell Camera 2 to shoot Heather from the right.
Mom, that that's her bad side.
- Exactly.
Do it.
- (Whimsical instrumental music) Uh, Camera 2, swing right on Heather.
Doctors are looking for profit centres.
Because of this the doctors, uh, doctors Doctors deserve the right to make a decent living.
- What are you doing? - Mo: Well, personally, I would not use an outpatient surgical centre.
I mean, most certainly - not at Maxine's age.
I mean - Cut off her Mic.
- Sound, turn off Mo's Mic.
- When you get that old - (No audio on T.
V.
) - Your Mic isn't working.
- My Mic What? - Kibby: Are you calling Maxine stupid for choosing an outpatient facility? 'Cause if you are, you're insulting lots of people who've done the same thing.
That's my girl.
Shawn, tell Nina to announce that Kibby will be investigating the safety records of surgery centres.
We, uh, we we promised the next investigative segment to Nina.
Yeah, and? She she's an experienced journalist Did Nina make a play for my chair? Nina, uh, announce that Kibby is Well, Kibby, you will be doing some field reporting on that topic in the next few weeks.
Oh! Plot twist! You know, when I was on Lacey, I - actually did an episode - Can I get some audio? Now, I'm really going to be one! Can you guys hear me now? You can hear me? What a shit show.
And the most fun I've had in years.
Yeah, mom, I'm glad you had fun, but we We should issue a press release.
- Uh, great, we'll - That my condition remains unchanged, still in a coma, fighting for my life.
- Please tell me you're joking.
- Maxine: They are nothing without me.
The fans are grieving, the whole world is mourning.
By the time I wake up and make my triumphant return, I will be so beloved the network will give - me anything I want.
- Maybe you just need to rest.
You're right.
I need my strength.
This is going to be one hell of a ride.
Shawn: Guys, we're live in - three, two - Hello.
- And we're back.
- Oh, my goodness.
Maxine: This season on Daytime Divas He wants to bring in a replacement co-host for you.
- Never happen.
- They're lookin' at Michelle Obama.
Maxine: What are you all moping around for? - Nobody died.
- (Audience cheers and applause) It's times like this when you learn who your friends really are.
I'm a little concerned about Maxine and her ability to lead this show.
- How about a new co-host? - You want to make them sweat.
Like hookers on dollar day.
You're going to be the best guest co-host ever! Good things are comin', baby.
- Yes, they are.
- Ah! Ugh! Mo and Leon fornicating in my chair! You know, I'm really good at shakin' shit up.
Kibby: I can't believe Brad would do that to you.
You know, your man should be telling you every day you're beautiful.
You know what they say: modest is hottest.
No one says that.
Who do you talk to? Well, we could've just met at your place.
Yeah, if I wanted you to know where I live.
Nice to see you, too, daughter.
You and Nina put my show in jeopardy.
You thought with your dick, now I'm thinking with mine.
I'd watch my back if I were you, little girl.
I called in every favour to squash this story.
That was your first mistake.
You should've called me.
- Can we go to commercial? - Absolutely not.
Why is everyone so annoying? Okay! Now we can go to commercial.
So, make a choice, Jason.
You want Mo or you want me? It's high heels at high noon.
Hey, Max.
When they go low, I go lower.
You do not want a piece of me.
You know that saying, you're only as safe as your secrets? Well, it's true.
Secrets can kill you.