Dead Boy Detectives (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[bell tolling]
[boys screaming]
[both grunt]
[man howling]
Right. If this guy's haunting the museum,
why's he chasing us out into the streets?
We were trying to help.
I deduce from the screaming
he doesn't want our help.
You sussed that out?
[man screaming]
The gas mask he's wearing must be cursed.
We must destroy it,
then he'll move on to his afterlife.
Peachy, Edwin.
How do we get it while he's on a rampage?
We'll have to cut it off.
Iron knife.
Give him a burn if he tries anything.
I say we clip the mask, destroy it,
he moves on to his afterlife, case closed.
Use the bait and matchbook gambit.
I'll need Minor Arcana, Volume 4.
It's the sort of small purple one.
It contains the fire spell.
Right. Small hiccup there.
I left it back at the office.
Charles, you have a backpack that can hold
an infinite number of things.
I didn't know we'd need it.
[man howling]
[grunting]
[growls]
Go!
Bloody hell.
[Edwin] This way! This way!
We need to get back to the office!
[exhales]
[woman humming]
[Charles screaming]
[groans]
This is not the office, mate.
It's difficult to concentrate
on mirror-hopping while being chased.
[both breathing heavily]
Well, hopefully, this World War I ghost
is having trouble navigating too.
[man growling]
[roars]
Shoot the messenger, string them up ♪
If I'm honest, I feel the client
could've been a bit more specific.
[nurse] Because the new exhibit
is about the Great War,
there are spirits still attached
to that pain and anguish.
Ghosts who cannot let go.
I stay to help them move on.
It's my unfinished work.
[chuckles] Sounds like us, right, Edwin?
Ghosts solving cases no one else can.
I came to you because
one of the ghosts has gone a bit mad.
I'd like to hire you
to unravel this conundrum.
I've heard you're the best.
Right. What about this mirror?
- You got your wits about you this time?
- Yes.
And I'm finding the office now.
[man growls]
[grunts]
Go.
[Charles grunts]
Now, before he arrives
- [man grunting]
- [Charles choking]
- [man yells]
- [gasps]
[breathing heavily]
[Edwin] Ah.
There you are.
[both grunting]
Sorry, chap.
[straining] That mask has a hold on you
So I'll need to take it.
[screaming]
[Charles] Edwin!
Hurry the fuck up!
[in Latin] Call the flame,
banish the spirit
Edwin!
[in Latin]set fire to the object
in our presence!
[man screaming]
[screaming stops]
[whimpering]
[Charles panting] Oh, uh
Hey, hey. It's all right, mate.
You won the war.
Kids read about it in school books, yeah?
You've done brilliantly.
We have to hide
before Death comes to collect him.
[man whimpering]
[whispering] Or she will take us too.
Charles, that was a job well done.
Yeah, pretty chuffed about it myself.
Except for the part where he choked me.
[snickers]
[Edwin] Death.
She's here.
[man sobbing]
[Death] Hello, Wilfred.
[Wilfred sniffles]
Uh
Sorry, do I know you?
We've met before, yes.
Sure. It'll come to me. Uh
You've been fighting old battles
for too long, Wilfred.
You died over a hundred years ago.
I came for you then.
But
you were so confused.
So filled with anger and with hate.
You seem a lot better now.
[chuckles]
Are you ready?
Where Where am I going now?
When I was in India,
they'd talk about reincarnation.
There's a poem I
I read by Kipling, um
Uh They They
They will come back, come back again,
as long as the red Earth rolls.
He never wasted a leaf or a tree.
Do you think He would squander souls?
Yeah Yes.
That was it, exactly.
Is that what will happen to me?
Now is when you find out.
[Charles] You ever think,
what if Death did catch us?
She'd force us to go to the afterlife
and split up.
I will make sure that never happens.
[whooshes]
[Charles] Come on, why are you so stiff?
- Loosen up. Come on.
- [Edwin groans]
Come on, Edwin.
I picked this just for you, mate.
- [sighs]
- Boxing's a gentleman's sport, innit?
When will I have to hit someone?
I've been dead since 1916.
Okay. Right. What if it's another ghost
who's running around murdering people
with, like, a power drill?
[mimics drilling] Right into their skulls,
brains and blood everywhere,
and your magic doesn't work,
and you have to stop him to save a client?
In that extremely specific instance,
you will hit the mad driller
with your cricket bat.
- No, don't.
- Look.
I've been your best mate for 30 years,
so I know
you don't like to try new things,
but it would make me feel a lot better
if one of these decades,
you did learn to defend yourself.
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Hey, hey.
- Fine.
- [chuckles]
- [Edwin clears throat]
- Come on.
[chuckling] Hey. There's a good lad.
There he is.
Just, um a lot harder next time.
[bell buzzing]
Right, then.
I'm Edwin Payne. This is Charles Rowland.
As you no doubt know,
we are the Dead Boy Detective Agency.
He's the brains, I'm the brawn.
Getting things done.
You are the brawn?
- Yeah. Why'd you say it like that?
- No reason.
I would like you
to help my friend, Crystal.
She's a psychic, you see.
A medium. So she can see me
even though I'm a ghost.
But lately, something has been odd.
How do you mean "odd"?
She's usually very
[both laughing]
[shutter clicks]
Only lately, she has been a bit more
Oh, she's also American.
Sounds like a demon.
That's brills. We've dealt with
demonic possession before.
- Been detectives for a long time.
- [Emma] Wonderful.
So you will help my friend?
We will consider taking your case.
Right, he's gonna play
hardball with you now.
- It's his thing.
- [Edwin clears throat]
Yes, well, we need to discuss payment.
We sometimes do pro bono work,
but in this instance
Oh, but I'm just a young child
trying desperately to help my new friend.
How ever will I afford it?
Emma.
Your hairstyle and Victorian coin purse
point to your death in the late 1800s.
Meaning you're older than us,
supernaturally speaking.
You've had plenty of time
to learn how to exist as a ghost.
You also have a knowledge of the arcane,
as demonstrated
by the glowing magical squid as a pet. So
I suspect you have the means to pay.
Fine, you twats.
How much?
[Crystal grunting] Off of it!
- [man grunts]
- Get off!
[howling]
["Hang On to Yourself" playing]
She wants my honey, not my money
She's a funky-thigh collector ♪
Laying on electric dreams ♪
[thunderclap]
Well, come on, come on ♪
Job well done, Charles.
We have a proper plan in place.
I'll get the disguises.
[rock song playing]
I got a bad, bad feeling ♪
I got a bad, bad feeling ♪
You're under my skin ♪
You're tearing me up
Again, again, again ♪
You're under my skin ♪
[Charles] Now, Edwin!
Draw the rune! We need to trap the demon!
[roars]
[Charles grunting]
I'll fucking gut you!
- Finish it now, Edwin!
- [growls]
[groans]
[sighs]
[grunting]
[straining, snarling]
[panting]
I'll fucking gut you!
See? My disguises always work.
- [Crystal straining]
- [groans]
[yells]
[Charles and Edwin] Whoa!
It's trying to escape!
[both grunting]
[roars]
Get a head on, Charles!
- The fish are washing away the runes!
- [grunts]
[Edwin] It should pull the demon out.
[automated voice]
This station is King's Cross.
- Change here for the Metropolitan line.
- [both panting]
Whoa!
- [whimpers]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's okay. It's all right now, innit?
You're Crystal, yeah?
Yeah. Crystal Palace, um, uh
Something There's, uh
There's more to my name.
I'm I'm I'm from, uh
Oh, my God. Why can't I remember?
Probably a temporary side effect
of the demonic possession.
It will pass.
You can stay at ours for a few days,
until things come back to you.
Usually not part of our services.
We're the Dead Boy Detectives.
We rescued you.
You're welcome.
The Dead Boy Detectives?
It's aces, right?
We're ghosts, and we solve mysteries.
Oh, yeah. Ghosts. Got it.
It's just a stupid fucking name.
[Edwin] She shouldn't be here.
The case is closed.
Why is she in our office?
Death herself was here recently.
We have larger concerns.
- She could come back.
- Is the case really closed?
She doesn't remember anything.
Where else is she gonna go?
She can find that insolent little Emma,
take Polaroids in a graveyard
or some nonsense.
We don't interact with living people.
Admit it. Feels good to be seen by someone
our own age who's alive, doesn't it?
Charles, you cannot keep her.
We don't want a repeat of
the infamous puppy debacle of '94, do we?
[chuckles] Okay. I get it now.
You're jealous there's someone else here.
- Jealous?
- [Crystal] Hi
again.
[sighs]
You know I can totally hear you.
[Edwin sighs]
Good morning.
Is that a jar of bees?
You never know what you'll need on a case.
Did you, uh Did you get some rest?
Yeah, and thanks
for getting David out of me.
And for letting me crash.
The horrifying, powerful demon
possessing you was named David?
Yeah.
So, you'll be leaving, then?
Oi. Give her a minute to breathe
before you push her out the door.
The living are messy.
Now, if she had died last night,
I'd have no issue with her being here.
Well, that was dark. Come on, Crystal.
Let's give Edwin a minute
to adjust his really poor attitude.
[Crystal] Oh, okay. Sure.
[door opens]
[sighs]
[Charles] You have to cut
Edwin some slack.
He spent a bunch of decades in Hell,
so he forgets how to talk to people.
A bunch of decades in Hell?
Not 'cause he was bad or anything.
It was a A clerical error.
He's made being dead a lot easier.
He's my best mate.
Okay, I know most ghosts
are trapped on Earth or are cursed, right?
- Well, which one are you?
- Oi! We chose to stay.
Got unfinished business, ain't we?
Cases to solve, ghosts to help out.
We're pretty bang-on detectives
when we're not hiding from Death.
Oh, so you're on the lam. Right.
Kind of like
a pair of dumb dead boy fugitives.
[laughs] Good one.
Wait, don't laugh. I'm making fun of you.
Like Like, I'm being mean.
Okay.
What? Am I supposed to get mad?
Yeah, I just
I don't remember exactly,
but I have the feeling that
people didn't like me much,
or they weren't so nice.
Is your, uh, memory any better today?
No. It's like [sighs]
It's like any memories about who I am
or my family
have these these holes
burned through them. I just
[grunting] I just wanna
hit something, hard.
[chuckling]
Charles, you smile a lot.
I'm loving talking to somebody my age
who's still alive.
We've met psychics before,
but none as fit as you.
[scoffs] Did that work
on girls back in the '80s?
You have to stop it.
- Didn't it work a little bit?
- No.
- No?
- No.
Hey, Edwin. I would've brought coffee,
but Charles said that
ghosts can't taste or feel or smell.
Yeah, it'd be a lot
like swallowing sand. Ugh.
I miss spaghetti so much.
The postman came while you were out.
There's a ghost postman?
Not exactly sure how it works, really.
He just shows up with potential cases.
Nice chap. A bit creepy. Only 'cause
he sneaks up on us, right, Edwin?
Perhaps you can ask him yourself.
Oh, wait. You were out.
Hmm. Right. I guess I'll go ahead
and make your mood worse
by telling you that Crystal and I
decided that she could stay at ours.
[Crystal] Let's be super-clear.
Not my idea.
Imagine if we had a psychic around
for Case of the Shrieking Doll.
Plus, she can help out
with the living. Right?
"Help out"? How long is she staying?
Till her memories come back, yeah?
[softly] Awkward.
I'm just gonna sort the mail.
So, are these all potential cases or
[gasps]
[snake hissing]
[breathing heavily]
This girl's alive.
What?
[Crystal] This girl's alive. Becky Aspen.
She's afraid.
It's a dark place.
No, it's hidden.
It's unnatural, evil.
She's surrounded by black magic and death.
We have to help her.
- [softly] No.
- Come on, having a psychic is paying off.
Dark, unnatural. It's right up our street.
This is in the States. We're not crossing
an ocean based on a flyer.
There's no client. Who's the client?
- The missing girl could be our client.
- A living client?
That is not how we work.
Now, I understand it's nice that
a living teenage girl looked at you
- Keep your voice down.
- but it's happening too quickly,
and she is
absolutely not joining the agency.
I'm not trying to make waves,
but this girl is alive. We can help her.
What does it hurt to save one girl
from a supernatural threat?
[chuckles] Oh, come on, Edwin.
Wouldn't it be good
to get out of town for a bit?
What with Death being in our office
so recently.
Besides, you're really gonna let
a little American girl die?
[Edwin sighs]
[horn blares]
Guys, that ferry ride was brills.
Never ridden one before.
Easier to walk through a mirror.
We'd have been here in a snap.
Ugh, you can't mirror-hop
'cause you're stuck with a human,
so we took a boat. I get it.
And now look. All three of us are here
having a bang-on good time.
That's all well and good,
but just remember, Charles,
it's the Dead Boy Detective Agency.
Not the Two Dead Boys
and One Sad Psychic Girl Detective Agency.
A rubbish name.
They're both bad names.
I'll jot that down in my journal
of opinions I do not give a damn about.
I'll ignore that comment and go check out
this room I found on the Internet.
["I'm Telling Your Mum" playing]
The kids that care to riot ♪
The kids that wanna try it ♪
The kids are gonna buy it ♪
[Crystal clears throat] Excuse me?
You have a room to rent?
[cleaver swishes]
Why is she bringing the cleaver over?
Edwin, she has a big cleaver.
I'm busy right now.
[snorts] You wanna rent it?
- Mmm-hmm.
- How old are you?
- Twenty-two.
- [Charles snickers]
Unlikely.
Sorry to ask. Everyone's a little on edge
after the Becky Aspen thing,
and you're a stranger.
Yeah, I [laughs] I saw the flyers. Sad.
Okay, listen.
You're, like, the only open room in town
I can maybe afford.
So, please say yes?
- You have the rent on you?
- Uh-huh.
Come on.
Well, go on, then.
Follow her.
Rent's weekly.
Just the two rooms,
Niko's your only neighbor.
Keeps to herself.
You seem nice.
Don't vandalize anything.
That girl's room is wallpapered
with anime and loads of pictures of guys.
- You shouldn't go in there.
- We're ensuring she's not a killer.
You think it's wise
to have a landlord with a meat cleaver
and a potential murderer
where we're living?
We're not living anywhere.
Because you're not living.
Now, we've got a missing Scout to find.
[Crystal] It'd be better if I touch them,
but here's the plan.
You get her parents talking about Becky.
If they're focused on her,
I can read their minds for specifics.
I know you don't fancy this part,
deep-diving into someone's brain.
We can figure out another way.
Charles, this is the quickest way
to get information.
[doorbell rings]
Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Aspen.
Do you have a moment?
Of course, officers.
Anything we can do to help find Becky.
Would you walk us through your morning
on the day Becky was taken?
[Mr. Aspen] Um
It was seven o'clock in the morning.
Making breakfast
I had come downstairs
[distorted voices]
[exhales]
[sniffles]
Turn up anything valuable?
You're walking so fast. Are you okay?
The police found her shoes by a creek.
If we get them,
I can see where she last wore them.
This is what I mean.
The psychic thing
makes casework go a lot faster, yeah?
- Jesus. Where did he go?
- He's trying to prove a point.
Traveling through mirrors can be tricky.
He's a show-off.
We all have talents.
Uh, your hand?
Oh, iron bars. Careless, really.
I didn't know iron burned you.
We don't hang around a lot of iron.
Burns us and forces us to be, like,
solid for a few ticks. Vulnerable.
Don't wanna advertise it, do we?
You're ghosts.
Couldn't you just, like, possess a cop?
That only took a few seconds.
Besides, we never possess people.
It sets off all sorts of alarm bells
in the afterlife.
Forget all of that bother for now.
Are you ready to talk to her shoes?
I'm not talking to them.
I'm reading them.
The front porch of that house
is the last place Becky wore these shoes.
Aces.
Let's take a quick sneak peek.
Pots on the stove.
Crow in a cage.
No sign of anyone.
[cat meows]
Piss off, cat.
Wait a tick.
- Cat, you live near here.
- [meows]
Do you know anything?
[laughs] It's not like
the cat is gonna talk
[cat] Fuck you.
I'm not telling you nothing
about that house or the witch inside.
- [meowing]
- Cats can talk?
Wild, right?
They just don't talk to humans.
Bad news, it being a witch's house.
They're tricky.
And dangerous.
But you guys can handle a witch, right?
Right?
We need more details about the witch
before going into her house.
We just left said house
without even looking for Becky.
It isn't as if we can just sneak in.
She'll be able to see us.
Anyone that has been near death
or the supernatural can see ghosts.
If she can see us, she can hurt us.
At least give it a solid throw.
Well, it's definitely confirmed
as a supernatural case.
We got a witch who steals kids,
talking cats,
and now the creepy fog outside.
It's not unusual to see me cry ♪
[clears throat]
Those girls are staring at me.
- Perhaps it's your outfit.
- [grunts]
Nah. Looks like
you're talking to yourself.
Like you've gone round the bend.
Oh, Jesus. I'll wait in the bathroom
until they leave.
[clears throat]
[whispers] Sorry.
[sighs]
[exhales]
No matter what you say ♪
[exhales]
- [electricity crackling]
- [indistinct distorted voices]
- [voices stop]
- [breathing heavily]
You're fine. You're fine. You're fine.
[glass crunching]
[door closes]
[man laughs]
David the Demon.
[David] No need to be so formal.
We've seen each other naked.
What are you doing here? Where are we?
[David] Oh, come on. You should know.
Or are you having trouble remembering?
- Boo.
- [gasps]
How did
Holy shit.
Did you take some of my memories?
- [laughs]
- I don't have some screwed-up amnesia.
You took them.
Yes, I was kind of a bad boy.
Still have them too.
I want all of my memories back.
- Who am I?
- You're special, Crystal.
Your powers make you so special.
I've never wanted
to be back inside of someone so bad.
Charles and Edwin exorcised you,
and you can't get back inside me
unless I let you.
It's never happening.
Studying up on your demonology.
Poor Crystal.
- The things I'm going to do to you.
- [gasps]
[Charles] Oi, Crystal.
- [gasping]
- Are you all right?
You just said some pretty crazy things
in front of all of us.
Wait. Where is
If you should ever want
To be loved by anyone ♪
Are you okay, hon?
You were speaking to a demon
in the middle of this friendly malt shop.
No matter what you say ♪
[door opens]
[door closes]
You're fine. You're fine.
God!
I just need a second, okay?
Can I just have a second?
Is David here in Port Townsend?
Yeah. I don't know.
I don't even know where I just was.
- There were giant floating eyeballs
- Charles, this was a bad idea.
Her demon being here
could jeopardize the case.
- You didn't even want it.
- We have a witch to deal with.
Remember how powerful
her demon was in the tube?
Could you stop saying "her demon"?
He's not my demon!
And that was scary! Do you get that?
But great job. Case closed, right?
Crossed my name off,
so the demon must be gone, right?
Real bang-up detective work there, Edwin,
because he's not gone.
He's not gone!
So maybe he's our fucking demon now!
Has she gone quite mad?
Yelling at us.
She wasn't yelling at me.
She's saying she's scared.
Scared?
All right, Charles.
Ever since she showed up,
you've been different.
That's Look, we have to remember
what she's been through.
What she's been through?
I spent over 70 years in Hell!
[Charles sighs]
I'm not saying it's a contest, mate.
[bell tolls]
[ringing]
[people speaking indistinctly]
[footsteps receding]
[muffled screams]
We offer up this little Mary Ann
to the demon Sa'al as a sacrifice.
- [boy] What's this book?
- I stole it from my brother.
Give this little prat a proper scare.
Mary Ann. Mary Ann.
[boys chanting] Mary Ann.
- Mary Ann! May Ann!
- [Edwin screaming]
Mary Ann!
- Mary Ann!
- [low growl]
[growling]
[gasps]
What was that?
[breathing heavily]
Anyone else see that?
[screams]
- Sorry.
- Don't do that!
[boys screaming]
[breathing heavily]
- [growling]
- [Edwin] No. No, please!
Leave me alone. Please!
Sorry. Technically, you're a sacrifice.
So, technically,
I've gotta take you to Hell.
It's not that bad, though.
[Edwin screaming]
[cat meows]
- Cat, are you the one from earlier?
- [meowing]
- What? We all look alike to you?
- Yes. But I've been looking for you.
I bought this to say
thank you.
For For me? [meows]
[cat struggling]
Binding spell. One of my tricks.
Now, I have a missing girl to find.
So tell me about this witch.
Eh, fine.
But using magic on a cat means trouble.
Is, uh
Okay, is Is something wrong?
I'm fine.
No. Yeah, you seem fine.
I'm just gonna head back inside then.
God, I just wanna take their heads
and just crush them together! I am so mad!
[breathing heavily]
Well, that sounds healthy.
Like seconds after
my toxic ex harassed me,
which was not okay.
Like, I'm not okay.
Those boys lecture me in an alley?
After I helped them with their thing?
And I did help.
These boys, are they
- Are they your friends, or
- I don't know. Maybe.
Do I even need them as friends when they
only care about what's important to them?
That Okay.
[sighs]
Crystal, that's everybody.
All the time.
Everybody is only thinking
about themselves all the time.
Maybe you catch someone on a good day,
and they care about you for a minute,
and then they go right back
to caring about all their own bullshit.
And not for nothing, but it sounds like
maybe that's what you're doing too.
That's
bleak.
So you're saying I'm selfish?
Great. Now I'm mad at myself.
Okay. Great talk.
- [door closes]
- [sighs]
- You come to interrogate me too?
- [Charles] I might do.
Edwin sort of covered that.
Look, I didn't know David was gonna
stalk me to the other side of the planet.
And he's not interested
in giving back the memories he stole.
Jesus, I am such an idiot!
Wait a tick. He took your memories?
Yeah.
Well, that's new information.
I just
I get angry.
You know, it's like knowing you have
a home but being unable to get there.
I can't explain it.
Right.
Come with me.
We need a mirror.
Let's go.
I'll meet you upstairs.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm I'm right across the hall,
- if you
- I like your jacket.
- [music stops]
- [lock clicks]
What are you doing?
You didn't You didn't see that?
Look, I'm gonna show you something.
But promise me you'll never tell Edwin.
Charles, is this about to get weird?
Come to watch them probably once a week
for the last 30 years or so.
Are these your parents?
Oh, my God. I never thought about
the fact that they could still be alive.
Yeah. Look at them.
They've had a good life.
It's mostly telly, tea, and biscuits now.
My dad was
Right, he He wasn't the nicest guy.
Rough.
And my mum was just quiet.
They're mostly happy now.
Must be hard not to [clears throat]
talk to them or hug them or
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
But, like them, I'm mostly happy.
I try to be extra happy for all of us,
don't I?
And I do a pretty good job.
I do know what it's like
when you can't go home.
If you're sticking around,
you gotta let us in.
[footsteps approaching]
[Edwin] Charles?
I found some information on the witch.
Let's go downstairs, quickly.
Oh.
This information
is only for detectives in good standing.
Okay. I'll tell you the truth.
But it's basically a story
about how I was stupid. So just
[indie music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[girls giggling]
[Crystal] At first,
I didn't know David was a demon.
And I kind of fell for him.
By the time I realized what he was
I guess it didn't matter.
You knew he was a demon
and you let him in?
I'm a psychic.
I've seen a ton of weird things.
I thought it was love.
I was an idiot. Look, I never said
he possessed me against my will.
You knew we assumed it because
99% of the time, that's how it works.
How about we take a calming breath, yeah?
I knew he was a demon and I let him in.
He must have lied.
It was like being trapped in a tiny box.
I still don't know most of what he did.
He wouldn't leave.
Oh.
That's brills. Now you know how we feel.
Saved you one time on the tube,
now you won't leave either.
[sighs]
It's a lark to you, playing detective.
Do you know what happened
when I died, Crystal? Nothing.
My disappearance was labeled
"an act from God."
The boarding school
covered up what happened to him.
Our deaths didn't matter.
No one ever solved them.
Now, you are sharp and fun,
but this is not a game.
We are solving cases
that would never be solved.
Police don't know what to do
with a fucking witch!
[sighs] We didn't matter.
He and I.
So these cases matter.
- They have to matter!
- [Charles] You're right.
But we haven't solved
Crystal's case either.
Doesn't have her memories back, does she?
[softly] Okay.
When I was in Becky's mom's mind today,
with all of that grief and that pain,
I thought,
"What if my parents are out there
feeling that about me?"
I just wanna help.
It does matter.
This case matters.
So
We set David aside for now?
And focus on rescuing Becky? Yeah.
[pop song playing]
I discovered this witch, Esther Finch,
is deeply obsessed with youth.
She kidnaps local girls every few years,
locks them in her cupboard,
and steals their vitality.
- Proper villain.
- Yes, she is a proper villain.
You got all this from a cat?
Little bastards are pretty clever.
Their scratches sting like fire.
If she's still alive, we slip in,
find the girl, spirit her out, done.
There you go, easy as that.
I will need the architectural plans
for the house.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Can you find that on your Internet?
Not exclusively my Internet.
I'll explain again later.
- But, yeah, I can.
- Good.
Charles will have
his bag-of-tricks backpack.
Okay, okay, right.
It's actually a complex pocket universe
only I can navigate,
after years of practice.
But, yeah, I mean,
"bag-of-tricks" is fine.
[Jenny] Jesus!
I thought you were a meat robber,
or, like, a
Like, a meat pervert or
What are you doing?
You know what? I don't wanna know.
I don't care how old you are. Go to bed.
[door opens]
[Charles] Wow,
she really looks like a witch.
Like, kind of a sexy witch
who smokes a lot.
But in a cool way.
A witch
who needs to get to the post office
to clear up some trouble
over an unclaimed package.
- You're welcome.
- [engine starts]
That was very clever, Crystal.
All right, Charles. Let's go.
Uh, I know we're cool now,
but feels like you not letting me come
is punishment for the secret demon thing?
Which was totally my bad, very screwed up.
I should've told you everything.
- Witches are dangerous.
- [Crystal sighs]
I once saw a witch
turn a girl into a small piece of plastic.
She couldn't move, never aged,
but she could still feel everything.
And that is her forever now.
Holy shit.
You still have a life to lose.
Let's keep it safe while we can.
[Edwin] And also
we're punishing you.
[soft music playing]
[squawking]
You zip it, crow.
[squawking]
[Charles sighs]
- Big lock.
- I'm sure you can open it.
[squawks]
Yes, I can, crow. You'll see.
Empty?
[teapot whistling]
[whistling stops]
Wait a tick.
This is different from the plans.
This cupboard is too far forward.
Right.
I'll peek in.
See what's what.
Witch will probably be back soon.
[gulps]
- [screams]
- Edwin!
[grunts]
[Charles] Edwin? Are you okay?
[Edwin exhales]
[Charles] Magical void, innit?
- Sucked you in.
- [Edwin] Good call.
It's magic.
[straining] I can feel it
weighing me down.
Nothing's supposed to leave here.
[gasps, grunts]
[exhales]
[breathing heavily]
[gasps]
[heart beating]
Charles, Becky's down here!
I'd wager it's about a full-story drop!
Do you have a rope and pulley?
We need a way to carry her up!
Put her in the bag-of-tricks backpack.
[wristwatch clicking]
It's taking a while, don't you think?
Hi.
I'm Esther.
Rude of you to break into my house,
but the post office
That was cute.
Yeah. I don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh, come on now.
What are your dead boys looking for?
You could've just asked me nicely.
Maybe I would have
I don't know, given it to you.
There's, um, a girl missing and
Oh, I see. Never mind.
I could never give her away.
I'm I'm a collector.
- Little girl collector?
- Yeah.
I mean, I love a lot of things.
Japanese whisky, tobacco, a good record.
Birding. I'm a big fan of birds.
But I really, really
love girls.
[crow squawking]
[Charles laughing]
[grunting]
Keep mocking me, crow.
I'll make you my friend eventually.
Everyone likes me.
I'm a good sort of chap.
[slithering]
[exhales]
- You get Becky?
- I put her in your backpack.
Also, there was a
A very large snake.
Well, this is exhausting.
- The waiting.
- [Crystal grunts]
Oh, not for you.
You're almost paralyzed.
It's the pipe. Shoot.
Oh. [laughing]
But pretty soon, you will be fast asleep.
And maybe even having nice dreams.
[gasps, grunts]
[wheezing]
[Esther sighs]
Youth.
Teen girls have such lovely elasticity
to their skin.
I mean,
you can stretch it yards and yards.
[Charles] Leave her alone!
Oh.
Your little ghost friends
have come to rescue you.
They're dead,
but get to stay young forever.
I'm so [sniffles]jealous. I
I could just scream.
["Surfing in the Sky" playing]
- [yells]
- [grunts]
[yells]
[Esther grunts]
[groans]
Iron cane.
Sturdy.
It's good for the lower back.
Don't you just love it?
[straining] This is gonna
suck for the both of us.
[Esther gasps, chokes]
[gasping]
[grunts]
[Charles grunts]
[breathing heavily]
[grunts]
Charles, no!
[Esther grunts]
[Crystal groaning]
[Edwin] Have you lost your mind?
We never possess people,
it has bad consequences.
[Charles] I know that.
Kind of extenuating circumstance,
you know?
Look, I'll take her back inside,
you and Crystal take the backpack
with Becky in it and get out.
You need to get out of her body now!
- I can't believe you
- [Charles] Edwin.
You're the smart one,
I'm the one who does shit like this.
- Hurry up, she's putting up a fight.
- [Esther grunts]
Ah!
[Charles grunting]
[Esther growls]
Oh, you dig around in my memories, huh?
[laughing]
You three have opened a real bag of worms.
You have no idea.
[crow squawking]
Monty! Jesus!
I'm trying to threaten some kids.
You're home.
And you don't have to remember anything
about that scary house
or that scary darkness.
You don't have to think about
any of those bad things again, okay?
Good girl.
[Becky] Mom?
Mom!
Look at that.
Job well done.
Oh, but what about David the Demon?
[Crystal] He's still a stalker.
Still an asshole.
But I am gonna get my memories back.
You got us now, yeah?
We've beaten him before, we can again.
- Let's not be cocky.
- Cocky?
I smack-talked a crow
while pulling you out of an abyss
and saving a girl,
then concussed the witch.
Possessed her, possibly alerting
the afterlife to our location.
Running from Death is hard enough,
let alone the creatures that work for her.
Yet none of them are here.
Looks like we're in the clear.
You're such a worrier.
[Crystal] Let's just get out of this town
before anything else insane happens.
[dings]
[woman] Hmm, let me see.
What's this, then?
Hmm.
Possession.
Not very nice.
- [shouts] Is it?
- [gasps]
[distorted screaming, laughing]
Oh
Found you two naughty boys.
Didn't I?