Death Comes to Town (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
Death Checks In
Hi, I'm Larry Bowman, mayor of Shuckton.
When you think of Shuckton, what comes to mind? Probably nothing.
We're not that well known.
We're just a small town with a big heart.
That's why I think we're perfect to host the 2028 Olympic Games! Ahh For instance, I'm standing at the site of our new Olympic stadium! Whoo-hoo! And here's the site of our new velodrome! Can you smell the excitement? And we're ready to break ground on a brand new subway system that will whisk athletes to their venues.
Not yet, boys But soon.
We still need to hear from you.
The fine men, women, and transgender members of the International Olympic Committee.
Boy, we sure hope something big is coming to Shuckton! Welcome back, sir.
It's a Welcome back, sir.
It's a pleasure to have you with us again.
Please, let me know if there's anything at all we can do to make your stay here even more pleasant than Argh! Oh! Always at your service, sir.
Look who's here.
Look, everybody, it's the mayor.
There he is.
No need to get up.
It's just your favourite mayor coming in for a little snack on the biggest day that shuckton ever had.
Over here! Over here! Over here! Over here! I don't know, I choose you! I see you have the Chili fries.
I was just thinkin' about those.
Oh, Mayor Bowman, please, help yourself.
I don't know, I No.
C'mon, c'mon.
Ah, fine.
Mm mm mm My, is that a bacon cheeseburger? You old son-of-a-bitch.
I've done battle with this before.
Do you mind if I taste that? That's what it's there for.
You're right about that, sir.
Would you wrap that up for me, Rita.
Sure.
Hello, folks.
Don't leave me hangin'.
Hmm Was I chewin' gum before? No, it's mine.
Well then, let's split it.
Aw The mayor kissed my wife! The mayor kissed my wife! Well, you earned yourself another kitten.
Right as rain now, folks.
Now, hey, you remember, the best form of birth control is keeping those legs o' yours welded shut.
I'll try.
Mornin' doc.
Hey, Mr.
Mayor.
Excited about that Olympic letter openin' today.
Folks around here could sure use the work.
Thanks to the young folks.
Yeah, see you later.
Whoo! Whoo! Ha! Pizza manager: Marnie! Marnie! Coming.
I need you to take this to 1425 Main as soon as possible.
1425 Main.
Yes.
Delivering a pizza.
Great.
Okay, 1425 Main! Go! Delivering pizza.
Go! Here I go! Thank you.
Sorry I'm late.
Here's your pizza.
What do you mean? One large hot and tasty Pizza.
We didn't order pizza.
Isn't this 721 Lakeside? Th-that's our address.
Hmm? Marnie, you work here.
I work oh! Oh! Oh, I work here.
Yeah.
Sometimes I forget things.
I call it the fuzzies.
Yeah Well, here I go.
Let's stop yakkin'.
I gotta blast! Right! All right, here I go! Great! Delivering pizza to this address.
Good.
Great.
Yes.
Mar Where's the car? Hey, Magoo, help me sell these for scrap metal.
I'm tryin' to raise some money for germ gel, eh? Not necessary.
I'm holdin'.
Oh, you're the best, eh? Let's smoke 'em.
Okay, got some fire? Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Oh yeah.
Let's go.
Whoa! What the fuck?! Let me see hands! Let me see hands! Whoa! Well, if it isn't our old friend Crim Hollingsworth.
Allegedly Oh, you haven't charged me with anything yet.
You know, Crim, I just had a donut a little bit ago, huh? Yeah? And my hands are a little bit sticky.
You know anything that could help me out with that? Oh ho-ho-ho, what do we got here? Whoa! Some germ gel, huh? Germ gel! W-w-waddaya? Don't, don't, don't.
Hey, crim, you ever know any other uses for this stuff, other than cleanin' your hands? No, no Yeah, they say there's a million uses for it.
Oh no, that's the Buffalo.
Hey, you just think I'm up to no good 'cause I'm First Nations! You're not Indian.
Huh? Yeah, he's one-sixteenth native.
Proud of it.
Well, we got a call about some stolen manhole covers.
You know anything about that?! No.
Well, how come we see you were walkin' down the street with some manhole covers? Oh, yeah.
Those? Yeah, what are you doin' with them? I just found them lyin' on the street, eh? Lyin' on the street? Yeah.
Lyin' on the street, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, checks out.
Checks out.
Okay, sorry, man.
Hey, next time don't be in such a rush to rush to judgement, eh? Run! Run! Run! Let's go! What the?! Nonsense.
Gibberish.
Ridiculous! Somewhat true.
Shuckton Pizza.
Ah, yes, I would like to order seven Belly Buster large pizza specials and have them sent to that fat orphan on the edge of town.
Pizza manager: How are you going to pay for that? Credit card.
Pizza manager: Credit card number? Hang on.
0000 0000 0000 0001.
Pizza manager: Year of expiry? 50-379.
Ricky Ricky Sports anchor: Argo return! This defensive Saskatchewan has been tough.
He's had a good day! Ooh! Sports anchor 2: Saskatchewan Roughrider defensive squad has been great.
Well, the breaking news seems to be a little bit late, so uh Okay Well, we're standing here, downtown, still, waiting for the arrival of the official letter from the Olympic Committee which is going to tell us whether Shuckton has got the 2028 Summer Olympic Games.
You know, what's not late? The weather.
Why don't you send me in and I can go talk about the weather.
No-no-no-no, you've done enough already.
I want to do more.
No! Please! No! Seeing as the breaking news is late, um why don't we watch that breaking news promo again.
All right, roll it.
Roll it.
We had so much fun making that promo, I can't tell you.
The letter's here! Well, exciting news! The letter has finally arrived! The little guy sure is darn eager.
I think we all are.
I've got the letter! Good luck - not that you need it.
I'm so excited, I cold piss myself.
Go, coach, go.
Dear form letter We regret to tell you that your city, town or commonwealth did not receive the 2028 Olympic Games.
We got it! Yes! 2028! 2028! I can fix this.
No.
I can fix this! Well, I have some good news.
It's going to rain tomorrow, which is great for the crops.
Thank you, Heather.
Listen, I know you're all very disappointed by this.
Me and my beautiful wife, Marilyn, and my special son, Rampop, worked very hard for this.
And I know I said that the Olympic Games would be great for Shuckton and give us something to be proud of, other than our rat fur industry.
Yeah, rat fur! But you know what? We don't need this to put Shuckton on the map.
You can look on your maps.
Shuckton is already on the map A small proud dot.
The thing that really counts Is family.
Family! Which is what we all are.
I blame you "Good luck - not that you need it.
" Come on, let's go.
Mary, let's go.
Mary! Let it be Ricky! I've got a job to do I've got a job to do Got a j-j-j job to do got a job to do Urrrrrrrrgh! Who is it? Pizza deliver lady.
I have pizza.
Come on in, Marnie.
Hello, Ricky.
Oh Marnie, I feel so guilty.
You keep bringing me free pizzas.
Well, some pizzas I just can't find homes for, kind of like orphans.
Sorry that I said the word "orphan," 'cause you're an orphan and I shouldn't really say the word "orphan.
" Sorry, orphan.
Don't worry, I have a sense of humour about my dark and terrible past.
Well, believe it or not, someone actually sent you these.
Right.
Someone sent me pizzas? Thank you, Marnie, it's nice of you.
And what have we been up to today? Oh, I've been busy.
You know, I slept for about 13 hours and I've been watching movies for about 11.
I think we need to do our exercise.
Can I do your legs? Okay.
All right Here we go.
You know what I've been thinking about, Marnie? No.
What? That, this winter, I'm gonna get out of the house and I'm gonna take the garden hose and I'm gonna flood a hockey rink in the backyard, and I'm gonna start skating again.
So this is the year then? Definitely.
Uh-oh Oh, excuse me.
Shaye, um, you forgot to take off my body mic.
Cool.
You know, I got two of those.
It's really stuck.
Oh oh my God! I'm glad that mic's not on 'cause my heart is beating like a drum.
You boom guys sure know how to make a girl's heart go boom.
That's what they say Ow! So, um Does anybody on the crew want to go for a drink? Anyone? Oh.
Oh my God You were so right! Liquor is quicker.
What is that game you're playing? It's a game.
Oh I feel like moving my body! Watch me play a sexy song, okay? You've gotta be kidding me I'm three-eighths your age.
She talks crazy talk she talks crazy talk she talks crazy talk Bambi it is.
You can't go in there.
You can't.
I'm a pro.
I got a job to do.
If you wanna be clean if you wanna be well if you don't wanna end up in your hell all you gotta do if you promise not to tell is take a little squirt of germ- Ahhhhhhh! Whoa! That's a big squirrel, eh? Well, I know what I won't be doing in 2028 Lighting an Olympic flame, thanks to you.
What about me, huh? I'm never gonna meet the queen, am I? "Good luck - not that you need it.
" You're like a broken record.
A drunk broken record.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't do anything right for you.
I move too slow, I age too fast Why don't you give me a break.
No wonder we didn't get the games! Look at your body! I had a baby! He was adopted! It was sympathy weight.
And look at the way you dress! And what is wrong with the way I dress? Well, it's embarrassing.
Why can't you get yourself a fur coat? A fur coat?! Okay, where am I gonna get a fur coat in this shit town? Well, there's a beaver dam on the outskirts of town, Marilyn.
It's pretty simple.
You go, you find yourself a beaver, you skin it, you sew it together And wear it.
It's pretty simple! Find it, skin it, sew it, wear it! Well, maybe I should skin it, sew it and marry it! Huh? Couldn't do worse than I did with you.
Where's the retarded kid? He's special! Whatever! He's the only one who knows how to work these remotes.
Oh fine.
Rampop, sweetie! That's my boy.
That's my love.
Daddy needs a little help with his remotes.
Thank you so much.
I'm glad that someone isn't useless! You know what, I'm not gonna stand here and take all your abuse all night, all right? I am going to go drive drunk! I hope you're happy! Hey, why don't you come back and lick the floor! You spilt a bit! Oh Rampop, baby, it's time to come play a special game.
Eeeeek! Hey, mommy needs the pretty green light.
Ah, that's a good boy.
That's a good boy.
Go play.
Shit! Oh Time for one last weather forecast on "Late Night with Heather Weather.
" A lot of people think that the weather stops when the sun goes down, but it doesn't.
It just does it in the dark.
Tonight we can expect massive cloud cover, but we won't see it.
Right now a cold front is moving in And when it meets that hot air mass Come on, just do it.
Give me his soul! Stop thinking about it! Just do it Just doooo it! Come on Now what? Aren't we done? Hey! Do it! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ahh! Ooh! Ahh! Are you loony? I'm Larry.
There it is Agh! Wow! ? Well, that's all she wrote I'll see you tomorrow Weather permitting.
When you think of Shuckton, what comes to mind? Probably nothing.
We're not that well known.
We're just a small town with a big heart.
That's why I think we're perfect to host the 2028 Olympic Games! Ahh For instance, I'm standing at the site of our new Olympic stadium! Whoo-hoo! And here's the site of our new velodrome! Can you smell the excitement? And we're ready to break ground on a brand new subway system that will whisk athletes to their venues.
Not yet, boys But soon.
We still need to hear from you.
The fine men, women, and transgender members of the International Olympic Committee.
Boy, we sure hope something big is coming to Shuckton! Welcome back, sir.
It's a Welcome back, sir.
It's a pleasure to have you with us again.
Please, let me know if there's anything at all we can do to make your stay here even more pleasant than Argh! Oh! Always at your service, sir.
Look who's here.
Look, everybody, it's the mayor.
There he is.
No need to get up.
It's just your favourite mayor coming in for a little snack on the biggest day that shuckton ever had.
Over here! Over here! Over here! Over here! I don't know, I choose you! I see you have the Chili fries.
I was just thinkin' about those.
Oh, Mayor Bowman, please, help yourself.
I don't know, I No.
C'mon, c'mon.
Ah, fine.
Mm mm mm My, is that a bacon cheeseburger? You old son-of-a-bitch.
I've done battle with this before.
Do you mind if I taste that? That's what it's there for.
You're right about that, sir.
Would you wrap that up for me, Rita.
Sure.
Hello, folks.
Don't leave me hangin'.
Hmm Was I chewin' gum before? No, it's mine.
Well then, let's split it.
Aw The mayor kissed my wife! The mayor kissed my wife! Well, you earned yourself another kitten.
Right as rain now, folks.
Now, hey, you remember, the best form of birth control is keeping those legs o' yours welded shut.
I'll try.
Mornin' doc.
Hey, Mr.
Mayor.
Excited about that Olympic letter openin' today.
Folks around here could sure use the work.
Thanks to the young folks.
Yeah, see you later.
Whoo! Whoo! Ha! Pizza manager: Marnie! Marnie! Coming.
I need you to take this to 1425 Main as soon as possible.
1425 Main.
Yes.
Delivering a pizza.
Great.
Okay, 1425 Main! Go! Delivering pizza.
Go! Here I go! Thank you.
Sorry I'm late.
Here's your pizza.
What do you mean? One large hot and tasty Pizza.
We didn't order pizza.
Isn't this 721 Lakeside? Th-that's our address.
Hmm? Marnie, you work here.
I work oh! Oh! Oh, I work here.
Yeah.
Sometimes I forget things.
I call it the fuzzies.
Yeah Well, here I go.
Let's stop yakkin'.
I gotta blast! Right! All right, here I go! Great! Delivering pizza to this address.
Good.
Great.
Yes.
Mar Where's the car? Hey, Magoo, help me sell these for scrap metal.
I'm tryin' to raise some money for germ gel, eh? Not necessary.
I'm holdin'.
Oh, you're the best, eh? Let's smoke 'em.
Okay, got some fire? Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Oh yeah.
Let's go.
Whoa! What the fuck?! Let me see hands! Let me see hands! Whoa! Well, if it isn't our old friend Crim Hollingsworth.
Allegedly Oh, you haven't charged me with anything yet.
You know, Crim, I just had a donut a little bit ago, huh? Yeah? And my hands are a little bit sticky.
You know anything that could help me out with that? Oh ho-ho-ho, what do we got here? Whoa! Some germ gel, huh? Germ gel! W-w-waddaya? Don't, don't, don't.
Hey, crim, you ever know any other uses for this stuff, other than cleanin' your hands? No, no Yeah, they say there's a million uses for it.
Oh no, that's the Buffalo.
Hey, you just think I'm up to no good 'cause I'm First Nations! You're not Indian.
Huh? Yeah, he's one-sixteenth native.
Proud of it.
Well, we got a call about some stolen manhole covers.
You know anything about that?! No.
Well, how come we see you were walkin' down the street with some manhole covers? Oh, yeah.
Those? Yeah, what are you doin' with them? I just found them lyin' on the street, eh? Lyin' on the street? Yeah.
Lyin' on the street, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, checks out.
Checks out.
Okay, sorry, man.
Hey, next time don't be in such a rush to rush to judgement, eh? Run! Run! Run! Let's go! What the?! Nonsense.
Gibberish.
Ridiculous! Somewhat true.
Shuckton Pizza.
Ah, yes, I would like to order seven Belly Buster large pizza specials and have them sent to that fat orphan on the edge of town.
Pizza manager: How are you going to pay for that? Credit card.
Pizza manager: Credit card number? Hang on.
0000 0000 0000 0001.
Pizza manager: Year of expiry? 50-379.
Ricky Ricky Sports anchor: Argo return! This defensive Saskatchewan has been tough.
He's had a good day! Ooh! Sports anchor 2: Saskatchewan Roughrider defensive squad has been great.
Well, the breaking news seems to be a little bit late, so uh Okay Well, we're standing here, downtown, still, waiting for the arrival of the official letter from the Olympic Committee which is going to tell us whether Shuckton has got the 2028 Summer Olympic Games.
You know, what's not late? The weather.
Why don't you send me in and I can go talk about the weather.
No-no-no-no, you've done enough already.
I want to do more.
No! Please! No! Seeing as the breaking news is late, um why don't we watch that breaking news promo again.
All right, roll it.
Roll it.
We had so much fun making that promo, I can't tell you.
The letter's here! Well, exciting news! The letter has finally arrived! The little guy sure is darn eager.
I think we all are.
I've got the letter! Good luck - not that you need it.
I'm so excited, I cold piss myself.
Go, coach, go.
Dear form letter We regret to tell you that your city, town or commonwealth did not receive the 2028 Olympic Games.
We got it! Yes! 2028! 2028! I can fix this.
No.
I can fix this! Well, I have some good news.
It's going to rain tomorrow, which is great for the crops.
Thank you, Heather.
Listen, I know you're all very disappointed by this.
Me and my beautiful wife, Marilyn, and my special son, Rampop, worked very hard for this.
And I know I said that the Olympic Games would be great for Shuckton and give us something to be proud of, other than our rat fur industry.
Yeah, rat fur! But you know what? We don't need this to put Shuckton on the map.
You can look on your maps.
Shuckton is already on the map A small proud dot.
The thing that really counts Is family.
Family! Which is what we all are.
I blame you "Good luck - not that you need it.
" Come on, let's go.
Mary, let's go.
Mary! Let it be Ricky! I've got a job to do I've got a job to do Got a j-j-j job to do got a job to do Urrrrrrrrgh! Who is it? Pizza deliver lady.
I have pizza.
Come on in, Marnie.
Hello, Ricky.
Oh Marnie, I feel so guilty.
You keep bringing me free pizzas.
Well, some pizzas I just can't find homes for, kind of like orphans.
Sorry that I said the word "orphan," 'cause you're an orphan and I shouldn't really say the word "orphan.
" Sorry, orphan.
Don't worry, I have a sense of humour about my dark and terrible past.
Well, believe it or not, someone actually sent you these.
Right.
Someone sent me pizzas? Thank you, Marnie, it's nice of you.
And what have we been up to today? Oh, I've been busy.
You know, I slept for about 13 hours and I've been watching movies for about 11.
I think we need to do our exercise.
Can I do your legs? Okay.
All right Here we go.
You know what I've been thinking about, Marnie? No.
What? That, this winter, I'm gonna get out of the house and I'm gonna take the garden hose and I'm gonna flood a hockey rink in the backyard, and I'm gonna start skating again.
So this is the year then? Definitely.
Uh-oh Oh, excuse me.
Shaye, um, you forgot to take off my body mic.
Cool.
You know, I got two of those.
It's really stuck.
Oh oh my God! I'm glad that mic's not on 'cause my heart is beating like a drum.
You boom guys sure know how to make a girl's heart go boom.
That's what they say Ow! So, um Does anybody on the crew want to go for a drink? Anyone? Oh.
Oh my God You were so right! Liquor is quicker.
What is that game you're playing? It's a game.
Oh I feel like moving my body! Watch me play a sexy song, okay? You've gotta be kidding me I'm three-eighths your age.
She talks crazy talk she talks crazy talk she talks crazy talk Bambi it is.
You can't go in there.
You can't.
I'm a pro.
I got a job to do.
If you wanna be clean if you wanna be well if you don't wanna end up in your hell all you gotta do if you promise not to tell is take a little squirt of germ- Ahhhhhhh! Whoa! That's a big squirrel, eh? Well, I know what I won't be doing in 2028 Lighting an Olympic flame, thanks to you.
What about me, huh? I'm never gonna meet the queen, am I? "Good luck - not that you need it.
" You're like a broken record.
A drunk broken record.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't do anything right for you.
I move too slow, I age too fast Why don't you give me a break.
No wonder we didn't get the games! Look at your body! I had a baby! He was adopted! It was sympathy weight.
And look at the way you dress! And what is wrong with the way I dress? Well, it's embarrassing.
Why can't you get yourself a fur coat? A fur coat?! Okay, where am I gonna get a fur coat in this shit town? Well, there's a beaver dam on the outskirts of town, Marilyn.
It's pretty simple.
You go, you find yourself a beaver, you skin it, you sew it together And wear it.
It's pretty simple! Find it, skin it, sew it, wear it! Well, maybe I should skin it, sew it and marry it! Huh? Couldn't do worse than I did with you.
Where's the retarded kid? He's special! Whatever! He's the only one who knows how to work these remotes.
Oh fine.
Rampop, sweetie! That's my boy.
That's my love.
Daddy needs a little help with his remotes.
Thank you so much.
I'm glad that someone isn't useless! You know what, I'm not gonna stand here and take all your abuse all night, all right? I am going to go drive drunk! I hope you're happy! Hey, why don't you come back and lick the floor! You spilt a bit! Oh Rampop, baby, it's time to come play a special game.
Eeeeek! Hey, mommy needs the pretty green light.
Ah, that's a good boy.
That's a good boy.
Go play.
Shit! Oh Time for one last weather forecast on "Late Night with Heather Weather.
" A lot of people think that the weather stops when the sun goes down, but it doesn't.
It just does it in the dark.
Tonight we can expect massive cloud cover, but we won't see it.
Right now a cold front is moving in And when it meets that hot air mass Come on, just do it.
Give me his soul! Stop thinking about it! Just do it Just doooo it! Come on Now what? Aren't we done? Hey! Do it! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ahh! Ooh! Ahh! Are you loony? I'm Larry.
There it is Agh! Wow! ? Well, that's all she wrote I'll see you tomorrow Weather permitting.