Deli Boys (2025) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[distant siren wailing]
[upbeat drum music playing]
[gasping, panting]
[both panting]
[speaker] Philadelphia!
Land of opportunity,
business opportunity,
education opportunity,
marriage opportunity.
Dear shareholder,
when I came to Philly in '79
with just three dollars,
my first opportunity
was at a deli.
Fifteen hours a day,
seven days a week,
living above the store
with nine other guys
with only six shirts
total between us.
With no comfort of home,
except Caca Brand Achar.
I saw opportunity.
After I took over the deli,
I invented a product
that changed the way
America consumes coffee.
Mega Glug!
One hundred
and twenty-four ounces of coffee
that still fits in
the beverage holder!
And today,
there are 40 ABC Delis
across the Delaware Valley!
And now, I'm taking us
into the prestigious world of
golf courses!
And with this new venture,
I'll lead DarCo
into the next era,
to the highest heights
of this beautiful game
we call capitalism.
By the way, I also just bought
Caca Brand Achar.
[upbeat rock music playing]
[gun firing]
[bullet shells clinking]
[whispers] Prairie.
Hm?
Dabs?
[upbeat drum music playing]
[Prairie moans]
-[quietly] Okay.
-[quietly] Okay.
You did it, Baba.
You are living proof
that seeing opportunity
is the key to success.
And having followed
in your footsteps,
I have learned so much
about the world of business,
even more than I learned
at Drexel University.
Insert compliment here.
Now, you are such
a great role model, Baba.
I'm basically you now,
though smaller in stature.
Hold for laugh.
Two, three, four.
Now if you ever wanna
take a break
from the administrative minutia
that is my passion,
just know that I'm always
here for you.
I love you, Baba.
Babe, that was so good.
Like, Colin Powell good.
I think it's ready for
Baba to hear it.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
I mean, I can go harder.
Show him that I really deserve
the top spot,
that I know I can do it.
You're over-thinking.
It's perfect.
By the way, lose the neck beard.
Yeah? You like that neck?
Yeah, you know I do.
You did it, Baba!
Oh, yeah.
Leech all that bad juju
right outta me, fellas.
[Prairie] Please don't
address them directly, Raj.
[grunting]
Today's my day.
I haven't even put
the pin in yet.
[grunts] What?
Oh.
[phone buzzes]
Oh, I gotta go.
Great workout as usual!
Through the ball.
[exhales]
Okay.
Ow! Raj, stop it!
Just reaffirming the
power dynamic, bro.
Gotta check you sometimes.
God, you're so dumb.
Just hit it.
Alright, here we go. Ah.
-Are you kidding me?
-Nice.
Hey, you gotta use that
third eye for putting, bro.
I told you.
Hey, you shaved your neck beard.
Get-Get away from me.
-It looks super handsome.
-Get!
You gonna ask Baba
to make you CEO?
No, I'm not.
But, you know, if it comes up
organically, then
Mir, you know who Baba wants
to run DarCo?
A man of action.
-Yeah.
-Someone like me.
-Oh, my God.
-Lucky for you,
I'm not really
interested in that.
But I do wanna know
how I'm getting my cut
on this golf course
venture though.
The same way you make money
off of everything,
by doing absolutely nothing.
How could you wake
up every morning
and go into work when you know
you don't have to?
[scoffs] Do you not have
any perspective?
You know we could've ended up
as child laborers
in a Levi's factory making
denim jackets for hipsters?
Have you learned
nothing from Baba?
Mir, I don't have time
for your survivor's guilt trip.
It's up to us to enjoy
this life for everyone
who looks like us
but doesn't have it.
That's the secret to
living in America, man.
Work is for our white slaves.
-What are you talking about?
-[Baba] Hello, boys!
[Raj] Baba!
-[Mir] Hey!
-[Raj] There he is.
You're in one of your
tiffs again?
Let me remind you that the guy
next to you is your brother.
And no one in the world
is closer to you.
As my Baba used to say,
"When it's time to eat"
[Raj/Mir] "Leave the
tiff in the tiffin."
That's right.
It's time you matured.
[Baba chuckles]
It's all part of a
larger strategy.
-[Raj] Mm.
-Our next phase is two-pronged.
Prestige.
Golf, the game of kings.
-[Raj] Hm.
-We're going international, boys!
You know, I crunched the numbers
thinking it was gonna be a dud,
but once again, you were right.
You have the keenest instinct,
and that's something
you can't learn in a school.
Not even my prestigious
alma mater,
Drexel University.
I know you're gonna
get there, Mir.
Just be patient.
That's your strength.
You're inquisitive, organized,
determined.
Speaking of inquisitive,
organized, determined
Baba, I knew from the get
that it was gonna be a hit
purely based on the vibes.
That's because you got
your Baba's instincts, Raj.
-[Baba chuckling]
-[Raj laughing]
Success at all costs, lads.
Failing upwards is
for white boys.
[chuckles]
[Raj] Alright, Baba, you got it.
Nice!
-Booyah!
-Let's go!
-Jesus Christ.
-This golf venture is going to
take us places
that delis never could.
We're going from coffee cups
to champagne flutes, boys.
-Yeah, we are.
-[Baba] Yeah!
-Woo!
-Woo!
-[yells]
-You did it, Baba!
You are living proof
-[golf ball thwacks]
-[grunts]
[golfer] Oh, my God!
[upbeat drum music playing]
[both gasp]
[blood spurting]
[body thuds]
[yelling]
[gasps] Baba.
[somber music playing]
I don't know if I can do this.
That's Baba.
No.
This is just an empty vessel.
Baba's somewhere else.
Ma'am, please.
This is not proper.
-Lucky Auntie?
-[Lucky] Not proper?
-[Mir] We know her.
-I have been this man's
most loyal business partner
through hell or high water
for three decades!
How dare you!
-Oh!
-Oh, my God.
-[Lucky] Get out!
-Ow!
What do you got
in that bag, rocks?
-[door slams]
-[lock rattling]
[Mir] Lucky Auntie,
what are we gonna do?
[Lucky] Oh, beta. Beta.
Just one thing at a time.
So much to discuss,
but all that can be done later.
Are you gonna
take care of us now?
Yes.
[Lucky sighs]
Alright.
No sense in dilly-dallying.
Get me the hose.
[Imam praying in foreign
language]
[group praying in
foreign language]
Oh.
Dude, get up, get up,
get up, get up, get up.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
[Imam praying in foreign
language]
Amen!
[somber violin music playing]
[people whispering]
-You really think she's one of Baba's?
-What?
Inappropriate, Raj.
[Raj] I'm just saying,
Baba liked white women.
-Unless you think that's more his type.
-Hmm?
Actually, I do.
-Very strong.
-[Raj] Yeah.
[Ahmad] Boys.
-[Mir] Ahmad Uncle.
-[sighs] I can't believe it.
My deepest hamdardi.
Thanks.
[indistinct chatter]
[Raj] Thank you, Ahmad Uncle.
-Boys.
-[Mir] Hm?
[Lucky speaking in
foreign language]
Yeah. Thanks.
-Ahmad.
-[Ahmad] Lucky.
I hope at least today
you'll take a break
from your personal campaigning.
Leave the business to me
and stick to making biryani, hm?
Oh.
Some days, I could
just kill you.
[chuckles]
Ooh. Sssp!
[Lucky] Hello.
Hello, everybody.
Um, before we proceed
to kabristan
and bid our final goodbyes
to our esteemed colleague,
I would like to invite
his sons to speak.
-I'll go first.
-You have something prepared?
No. I'm just gonna freestyle it.
Of course you are.
Uh [clears throat]
Firstly,
shouts to the gods and
the infinite versions of Earth.
[upbeat hip-hop music playing]
[elevator bell dings]
Alright, Mir,
you can't just go in there
and ask to be CEO.
You gotta take that shit, okay?
I got your back.
Raj, this is the DarCo board.
They're like family to us.
They're gonna do what's in the
best interest of the company.
This isn't adversarial.
Trust me, bro.
I'll play you in.
Okay.
["Respond/React"
by The Roots playing]
Its just hip-hop
hangin' in my head heavy ♪
Malik said "Riq, you know
the planet ain't ready, for the half"
[Lucky] How is that
even possible?
Alright, you corporate Panchos.
There's a new sheriff in town
and his name is Mir
["Respond/React"
continues playing]
Motherfucking Dar.
-[Mir] How do you turn it off?
-I'll do it. I'll do it.
-[music stops]
-Alright, go ahead.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the board,
I'm here to tell you exactly why
I am the new CEO of DarCo.
First things first,
I've been told
I exude strong
little brother energy,
but I assure you,
I'm no longer a little boy.
-I am a man, a Dar man.
-[pen scratching]
-Eat it.
-What?
-Eat it!
-[Mir] miniature version of Baba.
With the same heart,
but dare I say,
a better business acumen
for which
[screaming]
[agent] Spread out!
Rojas to the back!
Which one of you gets
Daddy's seat?
[brothers talking
over each other]
[overlapping chatter continues]
[Lucky] Me.
I'm the interim CEO.
Let's go.
-[handcuffs clicking]
-What?
-Okay. No, no, no, no.
-[Lucky speaking in foreign language]
-Don't say shit.
-Bye.
What is going on?
She didn't do anything.
DarCo has been implicated
with two decades of
scamming government programs,
tax fraud,
and false insurance claims.
I've known, but your father had
some friends in high places.
Now with him gone,
we got the go-ahead.
Shockingly, neither of you has
one single incriminating email.
Raj, that includes the 247,000
unread messages in your inbox.
I have an email address?
[Mir] Okay.
Uh, Agent Mercer, hi.
-My name is Mir Dar.
-I know.
And this is probably just
some sort of miscommunication.
-We'd be happy to cooperate and clear
-[Raj] No, no, fuck that.
We are not cooperating.
Mir, I'm not a
fucking snitch, dude.
Hmm. Okay.
If that's how you wanna play it,
go right ahead.
But remember my face
'cause it's gonna be smiling
when the two of you are
in orange jumpsuits.
[camera shutter clicks]
Great, thanks.
It's, uh, it's my first raid.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
He lied to us!
I thought I was gonna be CEO.
Was he laughing at
me the whole time?
No, bro, he was protecting us.
A lot of parents wouldn't want
their kids knowing
how the sausage gets made.
But what if that kid went
to Drexel University
to specifically learn
how to make sausage?
That shit is haram,
and you know it.
[phone buzzing]
-Hey, babe.
-What the fuck is going on?
Put down the fascia blaster!
-[Mir] [on phone] Are you okay?
-They took They took my
Mir, they took my
fascia blaster.
O-Okay, I'll be there
in a second!
-I know
-[Bushra] Our place was listed
as a DarCo satellite office?
I swear I didn't know.
Baby, I would never lie to you.
It was probably, like,
for tax purposes.
[gasps]
[Bushra] Mir, I loved your dad
like one of my own parents,
okay?
And believe me, I'm super
into corporate tax workarounds.
But this feels irresponsible.
[softly] Everything's gone.
All of it.
[Raj] Hey, Mir, they took
your fedora collection.
-Are we fucked?
-[Bushra] Possibly.
What did DarCo's
general counsel say?
It was all Baba [panting]
and please uncuff me.
Okay, maybe we're fucked.
[Raj] Ah, looks like they got
the wireless meat thermometer
I gave you, too.
[Bushra] Maybe Baba had
a contingency plan.
He had to have protected you
in some way.
Was there a trust fund
or a life insurance plan?
[Raj] No!
They took the giant mirror!
All the accounts are locked,
even the personal ones
associated with DarCo.
-[Raj] Your shelves.
-[Mir] I'm gonna figure this out.
-[Raj] Paperweights.
-[Mir] All I need is some time.
-[Raj] All of your curios.
-Maybe, maybe you can go
-to Malvern for a few days.
-I do not wanna go
to my mother's for a few days.
They're already pissed
that we're "living in sin."
And if you don't think that
she's gonna be talking
about this DarCo shit
the entire fucking time, Mir.
[Raj] Hey, Mir, they took
all your little shoes, man.
-They took everything!
-[Mir] Please sit down!
[Raj] On what?
Baby, look, you know
I love you, okay?
I just need a little time
to sort this out.
You know you're the most precious thing
in the whole world to me.
Mm. Mir. [chuckles]
I wanna build a life with you
and I'll never leave your side,
-unless you leave me no choice.
-No.
I know you're going
through a lot right now,
but I need you to get
your shit together.
-Okay.
-Okay?
-Yeah. I will.
-Fix this. Mm.
Mir, if you don't give
this gorgeous woman a baby, I'ma have to.
-Ah!
-[Raj] Lock that shit up, man.
-Right?
-Please let me take care of my life,
and you can take care
of your orgy cabal.
Oh, my God, my orgy cabal!
[Raj] Hey, hey, hey!
That's all my shit!
-[Mir] Okay, okay, okay!
-Those are prescription medical devices!
The FBI Okay.
-Let me get the prism!
-No, no, no, no!
You guys got everything? Okay.
Thank you.
Hey, Prairie.
Where's everyone else?
They were pretty into money,
it turns out.
Shocking.
Fuck!
[sighs] It was funnier
when they took your shit.
[Prairie] Oh, man.
They took all my leeches.
[gasps] Except George.
Hi, George.
Oh, yes!
[Raj] Thank God they
didn't take the coping room.
What the fuck?
Ah, the chi is great right now.
[Raj sighs]
THCa, psilocybin, terps.
To reflect and
compartmentalize your stress.
What are we gonna do, man?
We have no family, no money.
Maybe I should add
some Sarpa Salpa for you.
I mean, Baba kept
me in that office
every day like a fucking doll.
He didn't tell me anything.
I signed a million contracts a day.
What were they even for?
Stop wallowing, man.
Trust the process.
Wallowing?
We just found out an hour ago.
What are you, a sociopath?
And this is why
I added the fish.
-Oh, yeah.
-Listen, my dad, my hero,
isn't who I thought
he was, okay?
There's no bullshit
Himalayan sea crystal salt
Prairie potion that
can change that!
We are fucked!
Wow.
[Raj] Hey,
keep my shaman's name
out your fucking mouth, Mir!
Maybe Baba didn't tell you
'cause you're a fucking asshole!
[Mir] You're a fucking joke.
You never take
anything seriously.
That is your problem,
including the fact that
we could go to jail.
We're not gonna go to jail, man.
-We're innocent.
-[Mir] Right.
We'd be the first innocent
Brown people in jail.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I'm all alone.
You're the only person
I can turn to in this world,
and you're a moron.
Me? You were in there every day
and you didn't see any of this.
-You're the moron.
-You're the moron.
-[Raj] You're the moron.
-You're the moron!
-You are!
-[Mir] No, you are!
-You are! You are!
-You are! You are!
-You!
-You know what?
I'm a grown man with
a graduate degree.
This is ridiculous.
I'm leaving.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna scour every
corner of DarCo
and find out what's left for us.
That is such a stupid plan.
[planter rattles]
[Mir] I found you.
So you were Baba's start, huh?
Jesus Christ.
[Raj] Allahu Akbar.
-[laughs]
-[Mir] What are you doing here?
It's kismet, man.
I followed the love arrows, bro.
The curve that'll
lead you to make
the most beautiful
four-dimensional sculpture
that is your life.
-What?
-I had a headache,
so Prairie dropped some acid
into my eyeballs.
-Oh.
-And then I went
on the most epic journey
across the city.
And then I forgave you.
And I'm scrolling in my phone
and I re-watched
the investor video
that Baba made,
and inside of it was a clue.
This piece of shit deli.
I just dug through all
the old records.
This is the only ABC Deli
not registered to DarCo.
-[Raj] Huh.
-It's not much, but it's a start.
A start to what?
-The new and improved DarCo.
-Oh, no.
It all makes so much sense now!
We're here for a reason!
This is the start of
Baba's journey.
We can do it like he did.
We can start small, but we'll do it legit.
-Oh.
-No shortcuts, no breaking laws.
We'll just have to get
our hands dirty a little bit.
That sounds not super fun.
Well, lucky for me,
you literally have
no options left.
Oh.
Okay. Uh alright.
-On one condition.
-Mm. Okay.
You have to do
slightly more shit than I do,
but we still split
profits 50/50.
Counter.
How about I forgive you, too?
Tiff in the tiffin?
Tiff in the tiffin.
Okay.
Alright.
Baba would be so proud, man.
Mm-hmm.
I love you, bro.
Uh, alright.
-Say it back.
-Um
Me-Me too.
[upbeat music playing]
-Have a good one.
-You too.
Alright.
Hey, what are you doing here?
How's that coffee coming
along, Mir?
-Fresh pots all around.
-Nice.
I'm gonna go restock the sodas.
Cover for me?
[laughing]
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
-You got it, bro.
-You're the best.
-Oh, yes!
-Yeah!
Can I help you, my friends?
We are Baba Dar's boys.
You probably heard about
our father's tragic passing
to the next realm via golf ball.
Baba's dead?
Yeah.
[worker whistling]
[worker speaking in
foreign language]
What does that mean?
[workers shouting]
What is this?
Oh, my God. Excuse you. Ah!
-Hey, easy.
-Hey, hey, come on!
Shit! This is not good.
Ahmad Uncle's gonna kill me.
Ahmad Uncle?
What's Boys,
what are you doing here?
Lucky Auntie?
You're outta jail already?
Oh, shit.
[mysterious music playing]
Lucky Auntie, do you guys
know each other or something?
[Raj] Yeah, what is
this vibe here?
Did you two fuck?
-[gun fires]
-[blood spatters]
-[Mir gasps]
-[body thuds]
What just happened?
[screaming]
[Lucky] Oh, I know
what you're thinking. Huh?
Has Lucky Auntie gone crazy?
I just didn't expect both
of you to show up here.
Come on.
But I guess this is
the kismet
Allah chose for us.
-Go, "Eeee!"
-Eeee!
-Very nice. Good boy.
-[Raj] Lucky Auntie.
[Lucky] There you go. Huh?
Who the fuck are you?
This is nothing. It's nothing.
I was just rectifying a problem.
Your Baba's death left
a bit of a power vacuum.
The fallout might be
substantial.
Okay.
Raj, take this,
take your brother,
and get as far away
as you can from here.
Ditch your phones, buy burners.
Do not rent a car.
Those records are
very easy to dig up.
And, beta, dark soda
will get this right off.
Or Stain Devil for
blood and semen.
Um actually,
just give me your clothes
and I'm gonna take care
of everything here.
[Raj] No.
I can't walk away from this
and pretend like I never saw it.
I wanna know what the fuck
is going on here.
Alright, boys.
Alright.
There's something I'ma show you.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Lucky] Boys, sit down here.
My boys.
If you're seeing this,
it means the unthinkable
has happened
and I've left you.
I hope I had a
dignified death
while doing something I love.
-[Mir/Raj] Mm.
-But, anyhow, down to business.
DarCo has diversified in ways
that I chose to keep from you.
It was for your own
protection.
Lucky, she can teach
you everything,
but this is all yours
even if it is
a little unsavory.
Everything I built,
I built for you.
So for now, just be strong.
You're not boys anymore.
You're grown men.
And better yet, you're Dar men.
Wear it well.
[sniffles, sighs]
I love you.
All I ever really wanted
was to make him proud.
Hey.
We still can.
We can build DarCo
back up from the ground.
We can do it legit.
[scoffs] Fine!
Yes, this is your
happy little store.
Sodas and hot dogs.
Ice cream for breakfast.
Yes, fine. Okay, boys,
it's a wonderful idea.
Have your little deli,
sell cigarettes and
lotto tickets.
The FBI figured out
Baba cooked the books,
but things at DarCo, they go
way beyond financial crimes.
This is what is happening
in the background.
You wanna run the front?
Be my guest.
Now that you've scared
off the Yemenis,
there's really no one
else to do it.
And being useful, I guess
is a great way of staying alive.
This is a life of crime
and the life of this deli.
Now that you know,
you work for me,
every day, right here.
Alright.
No sense in dilly-dallying.
We'll deal with
the body tomorrow.
In the meantime, bag him up.
[suspenseful music playing]
[paper rustling]
[upbeat drum music playing]
[gasping, panting]
[both panting]
[Mir] Let's go.
8:15 a.m.
Nothing yet.
[funky upbeat music playing]
♪♪
[music ends]
[fanfare playing]
[fanfare playing]