Detectorists (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (Birdsong) (Slow beeping) - Anything? - Fuck all.
Three shotgun caps and a Blakey.
(Beeping) What you got? Ring pull '83 Tizer.
- What you do with 'em? - Bag 'em up, stick 'em on eBay.
People buy this shit.
Sad tits.
You said it.
Will you search through the lonely earth for me? Climb through the briar and bramble? I'll be your treasure I'm waiting for you I'm waiting for you See University Challenge last night? - Yeah.
- Anything? No.
You? Nah.
Nearly got Benjamin Britten.
- You can't "nearly" get an answer right.
- Oh, I had it in my head Didn't say anything.
Chickened out.
- Were you on your own? - Yeah.
But you were still too scared to say it out loud? Yeah.
- Doesn't count.
- I know.
Should have gone for it.
I know.
You going up the club Tuesday? - What's happening? - Terry's giving a talk on buttons.
Buttons? - You heard me.
- Christ, sod that.
Yeah, I think I'll give that a miss.
'Ere, I ever tell you about the beautiful old battleaxe I once found? - Yeah.
You married her.
- I married her.
I done that one for you before? Well, you've said it before, yeah, a few times.
Wouldn't exactly call it a stand-up routine.
You've added the word "beautiful" since last time.
Yeah, well, she was beautiful - Mags.
Mental, though.
And that's why I divorced her.
- She left you for the manager of Pizza Hut.
- Yeah, mental.
She was a hippy, you know - into crystals and all that shit.
Used to wear a vanilla perfume.
Stank like Play-Doh.
Heads up.
Who's this? Dunno.
- Hi.
- Hello.
I saw you in the field earlier.
Sorry to interrupt, but are you metal detectors? No, my dear.
This is a metal detector.
We are metal detectorists.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Not a problem at all.
- I'm Sophie.
- Pleased to meet you, Sophie.
I'm Lance and this is Andy.
I'm a student - history student.
It'd be interesting to know what kind of things you guys find.
Local history? Oh, wise choice, Sophie.
- What you got there, Andrew? - Um Bits and pieces.
Uh A Victorian penny.
And then Battle of Britain, that's nice.
- Worth a few quid on the Intraweb.
- Won't do it, mate.
- Idiot.
- Why not? I don't sell my finds.
I don't agree with it.
He must have half a ton of scrap round at his place.
Hope you're up to date with your tetanus, mate! Don't know why he doesn't invest in some jiffy bags.
He could give up the cleaning job.
- You a cleaner? - No.
- He is a cleaner.
- It's a temping agency.
- They get me all kinds of work.
- Yeah, all kinds of cleaning work.
- Mainly, yeah.
- See Andy here's studying for an archaeology degree.
- Been doing it for How long is it, mate? - Long time, but I'll get there.
And when I'm a qualified archaeologist, that's when I get to see the good stuff.
Bone, bits of pot.
Swap his detector for a palette knife and spend the rest of his life scraping the dirt off dirt.
No, thank you.
Show me to the non-ferrous metals, mate.
- Do you guys belong to a club? - DMDC.
Danebury Metal Detecting Club? In the scout hall opposite the Two Brewers, on the high street.
Ah, right.
What sort of thing happens there? Well, we compare finds, discuss the hobby Sometimes we get a guest speaker in.
This Tuesday, Terry - Club President - is giving a talk on buttons.
- Buttons? - You heard him.
Wow, outrageous.
You guys going along? - Yeah.
- Yeah, probably.
- Yeah, we'll be there.
- Will it be OK for me to pop in? - Yeah.
- Don't see why not.
OK, cool.
Well, I'll see you there, then.
Yeah.
See ya.
- Bye.
- Bye, Sophie.
Could be good, buttons.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Hello.
- You all right? - Yeah.
You? - Yeah.
You're late.
- Yeah, went to the pub.
Oh, which one? The Brewers.
- The Two Brewers? - Yeah.
The pub on the corner of our road? Yeah.
- Oh, nice.
- Sorry.
I should have phoned.
- Might have been nice.
- I was with Lance.
I didn't think you'd wanna hang out with Lance.
You think he's a bit of a dick.
I think you're a bit of a dick as well, but I hang out with you.
Might have been nice to have a drink on a Saturday night, at the end of my road, with a couple of dicks.
Sorry.
- Did you find anything good today? - Nah, not much.
Right Wait.
Are you all right? You pissed off with me detecting? No, I don't mind if you enjoy it, if it's helping towards your studies.
We need to find a new place to search.
All we turn up these days is litter and ring pulls.
This is the land of the Saxons.
I wanna discover where they buried their warriors and their kings.
Instead of where they had their snacks and soft drinks? Exactly.
But we're on it.
We're gonna strike gold soon and then we'll be rich.
Oh, cool.
We'll go to Africa, I'll set up my school and you can go and dig holes.
- Can Lance come? - No.
I did find a good penny - young Victoria, 1865.
- (She pretends to yawn) - Shut up.
That's been in the ground 150 years.
Imagine who dropped that a century and a half ago.
- Oh, yeah, brilliant.
- You cow.
Still think I'm brilliant? Course I do.
You're my Lord Carnarvon.
My Howard Carter.
You're gonna discover the Valley of the Kings.
- In Essex.
- In Essex.
- Can you see anything? - Yes, wonderful things.
(Relaxing new-age music) (Bell over door rings) Hello, love.
- You all right? - Yeah, yeah, just off to work.
- You all right? - Yeah, good.
- Business good? - Oh, it's all right, you know.
Good, good.
Cos I just I know I found your Purple Rain album and I wondered, do you want me to drop that round? - Oh, yeah, would you mind? - Oh, yeah, sure, cos I thought you Well, I know you like that song When Doves Cry.
When Doves Cry, yeah.
- You've got a record player? - Tony's got one, really nice vintage one.
- Oh, good.
- He's here, actually.
Say hello.
- Oh, you're all right cos - Tony! - Lance is here! - Uh Hello, mate.
Long time, no see.
Yep.
Did you just pop in to say hello? No, I needed a scented candle.
- Didn't think they're your style.
For you? - No, it's just a present for someone.
- Oh, a girl? - No.
- A boy? - No, a girl.
- Yeah.
- Girlfriend? No.
Well Yeah.
Ooh! Who is she? Oh, yeah no-one.
It's just someone.
What flavour? - Pardon? - The candle.
Oh, I dunno.
What have you got? - I like bergamot and vetiver.
- Mm.
I'll just have a vanilla.
- Always think they smell like minicabs.
- ã3.
75.
- Cheers.
- Oh, do you want your change? - Cheers, Mags.
Bye.
- Yeah, bye, love.
(Whirring) (Whirring stops) Bollocks, mate.
You just wanna see that girl again.
Yes, you do.
I can read you like a book.
Anyway, she won't turn up.
Good.
Well, you won't be disappointed, then, will you? No, come around mine, I'll knock you up a ruby and we can head over together.
Anything you don't eat? Yeah, apart from meat and fish.
OK, hold on.
Ted! Is it all right if I knock off after I've done those aubergines? Yep.
Yeah.
OK, back in an hour.
Adios.
(Musical ringtone) Hey.
Lance has invited us round for a curry before we head over to the club tonight.
Do you wanna come? Obviously not for so many reasons, not least of which is the fact I'm not really invited.
You're just saying that cos I had a go at you the other night.
What's happening in the club tonight? - Buttons? - You heard me.
Do you wanna come? (She laughs) Fuck off! All right, I love you.
See you later.
Yeah, you too.
See you later.
- Nice tits.
- I thank you.
- Something smells - Delicious? No.
Something just smells.
Very droll.
'Ere, stick those peelings in the compost for me, would you? You've only got a balcony.
What do you use compost for? Never know when it'll come in handy.
What's that? Dunlop SP244, isn't it? So, I was reading, cos of the hot, dry summer we've had a lot of the earthworks and archaeological sites have started to show up as dry patches in the fields.
- Right.
- So I had a look on Google Earth looked round the local areas, scanning the fields, see what I could see.
- Fine.
- And look Hembristone.
You know those cabbage fields off the B1010? Well, look at this.
Ring-shaped feature in the field.
OK.
Iron-Age roundhouse.
But wait.
There's more.
Move to the left and voilà another one.
But move again to the left and here's yet another, slightly larger, circular feature.
But this is different.
This one has some sort of entrance leading to an enclosure, a gateway.
All in a line.
Iron-Age settlement.
Iron-Age settlement? - Look at it, right there.
- Mate, you look at it.
- Notice anything? - What? No.
Do these features seem to spell anything? No.
Wait.
Uh G-O-O Oh, fuck it.
- Do they seem to spell "Google"? - Fuck it.
- You prick.
- It's the Google Earth water mark.
It's the Google Earth water mark.
Well, I bet you've fallen for that before.
Yeah, but I realised within 15 seconds and I never told anyone.
No, look, tell you where we wanna be.
I've been doing my own recon.
Look.
This farm here.
I don't remember anyone ever going there, do you? No.
Look, this is the original Roman road, running up the side.
Where you got Roman, who's to say you haven't got Saxon as well? We all know there's a Saxon ship burial somewhere in this part of the county.
We just gotta find it first.
Saxon hoard.
It's basically the Holy Grail of treasure hunting.
Well, no, the Holy Grail is the Holy Grail of treasure hunting.
Well, if you're gonna be pedantic, the Ark of the Covenant is the Holy Grail.
Let's talk to Terry, see if he knows who owns this land.
- Ker-chink.
- Ching! And though occasionally a button will turn up with some sort of decoration or insignia, the majority - and I mean the vast majority - as you've seen from my slides, are completely featureless.
And so, if you think about the number of buttons our predecessors had on their clothes compared with the number of coins they would be carrying in their pockets, is it any wonder that we find many more buttons in our day-to-day detecting than we do coins? (She snorts) So the humble, boring, button is a very real piece of social history.
Lights, please, Sheila.
Sheila, love? Thanks, darling.
Butter.
So any questions? Nobody? Righto, then.
Club notices.
Now, some of you have been complaining about other detecting clubs muscling in on your sites.
Yes, it's those wankers from the Antiquisearchers.
- They're spying on us.
- Russell I spent weeks researching that site, putting together a portfolio, only to find that someone had got there the day before me and secured permission.
The Antiquisearchers are officially affiliated with the museum.
I find it very hard to believe that they would be that underhand.
But, to be on the safe side, I will not be accepting any new members until the beginning of next season.
(Door squeaks open) Hello.
Is this the metal detecting club? Hello, Sophie.
Everybody, this is my friend, Sophie.
Hi.
Welcome to the mass ranks of the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.
- Come in, come in.
- Hope you don't mind.
I was interested in seeing what was going on and what you'd found.
I understood there was gonna be a talk about buttons? - I'm Russell.
- Welcome, Sophie.
You are very welcome.
(He chuckles) I'm afraid you've just missed my talk about buttons but I'll very happily do a re-cap.
- No.
- Please, no.
That's OK.
Don't worry.
Thank you.
Well, take a seat, Sophie, and welcome to the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.
- What happened to "no new members", Terry? - Sorry? - You said we're not accepting new members.
- No, it's all right.
Sophie's cool.
- We know Sophie.
TERRY: There we are, then.
If we are all in agreement welcome, Sophie.
Thank you.
- What did you think? - Yeah, it was interesting.
How was the talk on buttons? Adrenaline-fuelled.
- What's next week? - Monster Munch packets.
This land belongs to one Lawrence Bishop, mad as a frog.
Other people have tried to get permission but he always refuses.
Doesn't want people digging around on his land.
- Very odd character.
- Yeah? Yeah, his wife disappeared years back back when I was on the force.
I wasn't involved in the case personally, but I know they had a very big file on him.
They watched him for years, couldn't ever get anything on him.
Not even enough to get a warrant out to search his land.
- Well, that doesn't bode well.
- No.
Oh, that's gotta be a first - student buys round.
Oh, yeah, funny.
- What are you studying? - Ancient history.
Oh, well, you're in the right place.
You wanna get yourself a detector and get out there in the mud.
- Yeah, I'll take you out, if you like.
- Oh, that'd be good.
- Someone text me.
When you going out next? - Saturday.
Oh, I can't do Saturday.
I'm taking Mags and her mum to bingo.
- Again? - Who's Mags? Your wife? Ex-wife.
She uses him.
She doesn't use me.
I wanna help.
- Why can't the Pizza Hut manager taken them? - I like doing it.
Bollocks, mate.
Forget her, otherwise she'll keep taking the piss.
- Move on.
- Oh, cheers for the advice, mate - that I neither asked for nor wanted.
Mind your own bloody business.
- What about you, Andy? Have you got a wife? - Me? No, I'm not married.
I - (Bell rings) - Oh, shall I get us another one in? It's my round.
Same again? No, I'd better get going.
Early start.
Oh, that's gotta be a first - student gets up early.
Oh, funny.
Yeah, we're gonna call it a night, too, aren't we, darling? Ah.
Tango class in the morning.
- No, it's tap tomorrow, Terry.
- Yeah, of course.
It's Wednesday.
- Bye, all.
- Night-night.
- See you.
- See ya, mate.
- After Madam.
- Thank you.
- What was that about? - What? - You know what.
- What? Why didn't you mention Becky when she asked if you were married? I'm not married.
No, but you've got a long-term girlfriend called Becky.
Who I was about to mention and I was interrupted, remember? Oh, right, yeah.
What were you saying before they left? Uh, your ex-wife taking the piss? No something about "same again".
- Same again? - Yeah, thanks, very much.
- You do.
- I don't.
You do.
You always mention what she's wearing.
That's because I don't like what she's wearing.
- You say it every time she's on the telly.
- I never like what she's wearing.
I don't fancy Fiona Bruce.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
I tried once.
Thought she'd be a good person off the TV to fancy, but couldn't manage it, didn't get very far.
- Who do you fancy off the telly, then? - No-one springs to mind.
Bullshit.
There must be someone.
No, can't think of anyone.
- Susanna Reid? - No.
You're the only one for me, Becks.
Idiot.
- You still on for going to my sister's tomorrow? - Oh, I'm going out with Lance.
- Oh, what? - Sorry, I forgot.
Jesus, you spend more time with him than you do with me.
No, I don't.
- What time are you going? - For lunch.
We'll probably be finished by then.
We're just gonna see some mad landowner, try and get his permission.
Right, and if he gives you permission, you'll want to go detecting.
True.
- Have to hope he doesn't, then.
- Fingers crossed.
Oh, can we switch over? She's starting to make me feel sick.
- QI? - Yes.
Did you hear that on QI last night? Oh, I knew it before it was on QI.
Right, so it's just a coincidence that you said it the day after it was on QI? Just reminded me of it, that's all.
Here we are.
Do you think this is wise? Tell you what, let me do the talking.
I'll turn on the charm.
You're just a bit awkward.
Yeah, cheers.
Don't try any of your stand-up on him.
MAN: Get back! Get back in there! Go on, get back in there! Get down! Stay back in there! - Yes? - Oh, sorry to disturb you, sir Have you come about the The? The What have you come about? - No, you're not actually expecting us.
- Am I not? No.
We're actually metal detectorists.
We were wondering if you'd give us your permission to detect on your land.
- Good Lord.
Was it a competition? - Pardon? Did I send off for it? No, I guess it's just your lucky day.
Fascinating.
(Laughs) Cup of tea? Don't mind the dogs.
They're a bit boisterous but they're only being friendly.
Push 'em off the sofa if they're in the way.
They shouldn't even be on the furniture.
(Fly buzzing) So, Mr Bishop "Larry", please.
Larry, you never given anyone permission before? No, never.
So no-one's ever detected on this land? No.
There was that dig, years ago Sorry.
"Dig", Larry? Archaeological dig before the war.
My grandfather told me about it when I was wearing short trousers.
When I was a child.
- Yes.
- Yes, and did they find anything? No, they didn't have time.
Dug a couple of trenches, then the war happened and they had more important things to spend their money on.
- Any idea what they were looking for? - No idea.
So, Larry, would you mind if we had a little look around? Not at all.
Let me know what you turn up.
Stay out of the paddock on Birchwood Road.
Don't go digging down there.
Okey-doke.
Right.
Will do.
We'll stay out of there.
Anyone seen my phone? Bloody dogs have hidden it, haven't they? Have one of you beasts stolen my telephone? Come back here, you little shitters! Come on! Come on! Come here! Come on! I know your game! Come on! This is it, mate.
This is the big one.
It's exactly what happened at Sutton Hoo.
They abandoned it cos of the war, then they went back to finish it off.
This lot have left it all to us.
This time next year, we're gonna be millionaires.
Mate, maybe we should do this properly.
Mark out the site with a grid system, do it area by area, make sure we cover everything.
Sod that.
Let's get detecting! We should survey the site before we even turn the detectors on.
Oh, too late.
I turned it on.
I've got a good feeling about this.
When they were looking for Richard III, first hole they dug - bingo! Fuck it, you're right.
This is gonna be massive, you mark my word.
(Beeping) Here we go.
Get ready to get rich.
(Beeping) What you got? Biscuit wrapper mint Viscount, '75.
Oh.