Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Horizons
1 Yes, I was awake.
I've been awake.
Where are you? It's time.
I'm I'm on my way, is where I am, And almost there already, So everything's great.
Good morning, buttercup! Where is my money? Dorian! Dorian! Dorian, stop! Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Stop! Where's my money! I gave you your money, Dorian.
Where's the goddamn rent? I paid you the rent, I paid you yesterday! Don't tell me what you did or didn't do! You don't know what happened yesterday, - You're not a historian! - I'm just okay Are you a historian? - No, but - No! I want my money today, 600 bucks, or I swear to god, I will kill you.
If you screw with me again Damn it.
Yeah, what are you gonna do, you gonna call the cops? Go ahead.
No, you won't.
No, you won't.
You know why? 'Cause I got you, I.
Got.
You.
Money! I want my money! Today! My 600 bucks! The spring family is notoriously reclusive And cannot be reached for comment at this time.
If you or anyone you know has information On the whereabouts of Lydia spring, Please contact the number below.
Where's the goddamn rent? My 600 bucks! I swear to god, I will kill you! Where's my money? Are you a historian? Mr.
Palacios Chap, perfect, I need you to get up to 745 Yes, I will, I just Welcome to the perriman grand.
Allow us to help you with that.
If I could get my check a little early this month? What? Why? Are you okay? Yeah, I could just use the money.
Yeah, look, Todd, I need you to get up to 745 right away.
There's some kind of a drunk woman up there Acting crazy, And do me a favor, Check out the pent house, They've had a "do not disturb" since 2:00 P.
M.
Yesterday.
You still have your master key? No, I-I misplaced it.
Take mine.
745, and then the penthouse.
Okay, but then we can talk about the check? Later, yes.
Later, hmm? Okay.
Yeah, well, I'm here on assignment, so just - No, I was just - Get out of the way.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh.
Do I have to leave? Or could I just sit here for a second? Take your time.
Can you just Hang out With me? For a second? I hate men.
I'll be out of here in an hour.
Okay, if you need anything, my name is Todd.
I hate voicemail! Hey, sis, it's me.
Listen, I'm not ignoring you, I just I don't know if I have the money right now, And I know I promised you, But there have been some Unforeseen circumstances.
I'm going to get past it, and I'm gonna get you the money, - And you'll be able to - Time machine! No, you lied to me.
You lied to me the whole time and now you've screwed both of us.
No! Silence! No! Don't you say a word.
I don't want to hear Holy shit, this is when it happened.
That means Come on! Todd? Where the hell are you, Todd? I I don't know.
Have you checked out the penthouse? I mean, I'm I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
Estevez.
Zimmerfield.
Missing persons.
Missing persons? This is a homicide, or Something.
We believe this homicide has possible ties to an ongoing Probable ties to an ongoing missing persons case Wait.
What do you mean "or something?" It is strange in here.
What are those, are those burns? The guy in the bed was torn in half.
The other guy Had his arm torn off.
There are bite marks on the ceiling.
So we are looking for like An animal, or a weapon? There are multiple bite marks on the ceiling.
They say the noise only went on for 10 or so seconds.
Zim, what the hell does this in 10 seconds? A man was bitten in half.
Bitten in half? They say they got a witness.
Oh, yeah? How big are his teeth? And you have no idea when the key left your possession? No.
I'll be honest, it doesn't look great, Todd.
Late to work, late getting to the penthouse, No key.
It all seems very, you know Confluent.
Yeah.
Adding up to me raising my eyebrows like Like that.
See, I can't do it.
Only zimmerfield can.
Only zimmerfield.
Security tapes are badly scrambled But we did manage to pull this.
Before you arrived in the penthouse.
Is that your key? I don't think so.
Wait, is he wearing a gorilla mask? You didn't See anything weird this morning, Did you, Mr.
Brotzman? Yes.
No.
M-maybe.
I don't know.
You just gave every possible response to that question? Eyebrows.
If I were you, I wouldn't leave town.
Hmm? Is there Is there any way you could get the security footage For the 18th floor? That the security footage was badly scrambled.
Any particular reason you want that, Todd? Did something happen on the 18th floor? No, I Okay, no.
You didn't touch anything At the scene, Did you, Todd? No.
Don't leave town.
I won't.
Seriously.
Don't leave town.
Okay.
Todd! Hey, man, snap out of it.
Yeah, sorry, what? They think it's connected to something bigger.
What, like the mob? No.
While you were in there, Did you see any kind of an animal? Animal? - No, I - They said they found paw prints.
Paw prints? Like a dog? No.
Also, you're fired.
Your involvement in all of this, It's complicated.
You can't fire me.
I just opened a door.
Well, some doors shouldn't be opened.
Okay, okay, okay, Is there any way please Is there anyway you can give me my final check today, - As a type of severance - Well, it's a same-day termination, - I have to delay the check.
- Same day? What do you mean same day? - It's just happened today.
- Yes, today is the day that is the same, Today is the day that it happened.
Right, but any day that it would've happened Would've been the day it happened - Listen, I need the money - Yes, but it's a same-day termination.
It's always a day, right? Things happen when they happen.
They happen immediately, That's what "happening" is, it means No, Todd, sometimes when things happen, they don't happen.
Hi! Ow! Right, now you're gonna get Hi-ya! Whoa! Stop it Jesus! With the What the hell, man! You "what the hell?" No! Me "what the hell?" How did you get in here? The window, obviously.
Do you attack everyone who comes in here.
Seems like a weird thing to do, You can't just break in to my apartment.
Well, clearly, I can.
I mean, I just did I'll call the police.
I'm trying to decide whether you're a clue, An accomplice, Or an assistant.
Who are you? What is this? Have you noticed an acceleration of strangeness In your life as of late? Perhaps a series of intense or extraordinary events, Which, as of now, seem unconnected, With the exception of each being separately bizarre? Perhaps every day before now Has, for the most part, been humdrum and inane, Your life a mundane, unvarying slog Through unfulfilling jobs, Shallow depression, and boring, boring sex? Well And then suddenly, today, Everything changed, And your life became a swirl of interesting activity? An assistant.
I knew it.
Oh, my name is Dirk Gently.
I'm a detective, I live here now, and Ooh.
I'll be sleeping here tonight.
You're a terrible assistant.
"Project Icarus" is leaving the building.
What about the other guy? I don't know yet.
What? What? It's hard to hear you through the comm in my ear.
I'm not talking to you through the comm.
I'm talking right to you.
- Got a shoot.
- What do you mean, you've got a shot? Do I take the shot? Don't take the shot Confirmed, taking the shot.
What the hell are you doing? You are endangering The whole goddamn operation! Shit.
What the hell just happened? Who were those guys? Plates came up military.
Is the guy we're tailing Meeting up with another guy, who is also being tailed, By other people? I let everyone down.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! I'm so bored.
My life sucks.
Is it bad, or No, I mean, it was a little better today.
Maybe it'll keep getting better.
Didn't you say that it started out feeling better A little bit at a time when it happened to you? Y-yeah, a little bit, - But - Don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up.
When aunt Esther would have good days and bad days? Yeah, I just remember the bad days.
Hey, I'm coming up tomorrow.
Your message said you didn't have the money.
Yeah, well I'll figure something out, okay? I'll figure it out.
You seem stressed out.
Is everything okay over there? Money.
- Don't leave town.
- Also, you're fired.
Hi-ya! No, I Everything's fine.
Hurry up! I'm going as fast as I can, okay! Look, it's not easy doing this under pressure.
Plus, I've never worked with this kind of rigging before! It's not like you're paying me that much anyway.
This is private property.
No, no, no! No! Stay away! No! Somebody! Help me! Please! Oh, god! No! Please Dirk Gently, you are a dead man! Who's Who's Dirk Gently? You're not Dirk Gently? No.
What, are you kidding me right now? Then why did you run? You have a machete! Why didn't you just say "I'm not Dirk Gently?" Because I don't know who that is! Hi! What are you still doing here? What are you doing here? I live here.
Right, but where are you going? Didn't you say you lost your job? No, I didn't say that, actually.
- How did you - I'm a detective.
I'm on a case.
You worked at that hotel, Where the murders took place.
Been all over the news, For people who still watch the news, You know, old people, and me, occasionally.
Was I on TV? Would it be bad for you if you were? None of your business.
- May be it is.
- No it isn't.
- Where are you going? - None of your business.
You don't even know my business! Maybe I'm a cab driver.
You just said you were on a case.
Maybe I have two jobs! Leave me alone.
- But maybe - no! Where? My sister's house, okay? I'll give you a ride.
What's the alternative.
Unless you have some kind of magic car-fixing robot.
You don't, though.
I've seen in your apartment.
It's an hour away.
Time, I laugh at the concept.
I can spend a whole day without even trying.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where are you going? - Let's go.
- Where's my money, huh? Where's my rent? Where's my rent money? Careful, it's not my car.
You paid me? Do I look like an accountant to you? Do I look like I know how much you paid me? Shit.
Go, go, go! Dirk! Make sure he comes back with my money! What the They're going to bounce this case to major crimes Unless we can turn up something To connect this to Lydia spring, And I mean soon.
Anybody find that kitten? With the bloody No, but uniforms found a hole in a wall In a stairwell adjacent to the penthouse.
Went straight through to the electrical system, Some kind of pulse blew up the whole deal.
What could've caused that? Lightning strike.
Did that happen? Nope.
We even checked the lightning rods.
They still have lightning rods? As long as they have lightning.
Where was the security, Zim? Patrick spring always rolled with bodyguards.
We should talk to Farah Black again.
We've got her on file from when Lydia first went missing, Right here.
Already tried.
No answer.
This is connected to Lydia.
It has to be, right? Rich girl gets in a fight with her father, Less than one week later, he's dead? Could be a coincidence.
That would be ridiculous.
Like bite marks on the ceiling? Like bite marks on the ceiling.
What did you got there? I've been trying to find monkey mask on the tapes, See if we can trace his progress to the room, But it seems like he knew where the cameras were.
Or he was already staying in the hotel.
I did find one thing kind of interesting, though.
Whose dog is that? Come on, relax, enjoy the ride.
I can already tell we've got oodles in common.
We both like, um, eating, Breathing.
We both can, walk.
Listen, there's an ocean of commonalities here abroad the door.
why does Dorian know your name? Who? Oh, right, I was talking to him this morning.
About what? Your apartment building, the Ridgely.
Fascinating history, that place.
Asshole! Who are you? I'm a detective, a holistic detective, And before you ask, no, I'm not with the CIA anymore.
A holistic What is a "holistic detective"? I'm very glad you asked me that, Mister What's your name? - Todd.
- I'm very glad you asked me that, Todd.
The term "holistic" Refers to my convictions About the fundamental interconnectedness Of all things.
With such petty things as fingerprint powder, Telltale pieces of pocket fluff And inane footprints.
You're a detective who doesn't find clues.
That sounds, You know, insane.
I see the solution to each problem In the pattern and web of the whole.
The connections between causes and effects Than we, with our rough and ready understanding Of the physical world Might naturally suppose.
Man! Jesus Christ! Sorry.
New car.
I thought you said this wasn't your car.
Doesn't mean it isn't new.
It was good you decided to come with me.
I didn't decide anything.
You said you'd kill me if I didn't come.
You decided it would be better to come with me Than die.
That was nice.
We gotta stop for gas.
But You don't need gas.
Call it a hunch.
Hey, hi ho hey, get up on the roof.
Where I can see you till I get back.
The roof? Won't this look suspicious? Suspicious? Ken, you're a riot.
Did you just kill someone? I'm an assassin.
That's what I do, I kill people.
You didn't notice? You were hired to come here? No, I'm a holistic assassin.
A what? A what? "Holistic" is the fundamental interconnectedness Of all things.
I don't do your whole deal With sniper rifles, poison, Or getting hired.
I just, I kill whoever I feel like killing all day, And if I killed them, they were my target.
The connection between cause and effect Is much more, you know, Subtle Than you would otherwise think.
I mean You wouldn't believe it.
Things, they They double up.
They parallel.
Everything is chaos, but it It's synchronized? It's like there's always something ready To mirror itself, life endlessly turning inward.
Don't get me wrong But that just sounds like a murder spree.
I've never killed the wrong person.
I have killed a lot of people, though.
Get in the car.
See? And you're already acting like an assistant.
I just I'm just trying to be helpful.
It's not What I came here to say.
You know, I started to think, You're more important to this case Than you realize.
What case? You broke into my apartment.
Well I mean, how do you even investigate anything If you don't use any investigative stuff? Interconnectedness! Coincidence, and the rarer, sexier coinky-dinks.
Once hired, I am intrinsically connected to the specific case.
I then will eventually solve the mystery Merely by just kind of doing whatever.
So, then who told you to break into my apartment? No one, I was investigating your building for other reasons, which will for now remain tangential, And I just had a hunch you might be important.
Hey, and I was right.
I found a very compelling piece of evidence.
What did you find? Nothing.
But you just said Everything is connected.
Nothing is also connected.
Don't run any more red lights.
Whatever keeps you sane.
Oh, no.
We should go.
We should go.
Ring the bell.
What the hell? You said you were going to stay in the car.
I lied, though.
What? Do you think how is no cop, I was trained as a ninja by the CIA.
What? Sorry that's a lie, too.
Just go back to the car.
Todd You came! Yeah, of course, I came.
What, you didn't think I would come? I Who's this? It's, uh It's Dirk Gently.
Dirk okay, hi.
Sorry.
I'm Amanda.
- Hi! - No, don't.
Don't say hello? Hello, Amanda! Are you friends? - No.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
We're very good friends.
Ow! You're a terrible assis-friend.
The death of billionaire entrepreneur Patrick spring and several others, by an animal attack Rather than a murder as was initially reported, But unusually animal remains undisclosed at this time.
Sources within the police department Will neither confirm nor deny To the recent disappearance of Spring's daughter, Heiress Lydia Spring, Now missing for over four days Do you have any friends who can come by And just help you with this, Cleaning up, or- It's hard to keep friends When you can't go outside Without worrying a gust of wind Will knock you down.
I barely get out of the house anymore.
God.
Why don't you move back in with Mom and Dad? - May be they can help you.
- You know that they're broke, Todd.
I would just be a burden on them.
I'm a burden on everyone.
What's wrong with you, exactly? I have pararibulitus.
Ah, of course.
What's that? Who are you? I'm Dirk Gently.
I'm a private detective.
You don't look like a private detective.
Well, no private detective looks like a private detective.
That's one of the first rules of private detection.
But if no private detective looks like a private detective, How does a private detective know what it is That he shouldn't look like? It's a nerve disease.
It causes your brain To misinterpret certain inputs, And you actually have hallucinations that feel real, And, in most cases, very painful.
So That means Water on your hand Could feel like fire.
Breathing could feel like drowning.
I'm sorry.
That's terrible.
And so interesting.
Yeah, well, it makes it hard to not be scared all the time.
But Todd had it, and he got better, So I just need to take my meds and eat healthy.
So then why do you stay in the house? What? If the disease is in you, Why does it matter where you go? Hey, uh Amanda, do you wanna jam? Yeah.
Of course.
Cool.
I'll be there in a minute.
Why are you doing this? I'm on a case.
My primary method of investigation Who looks like they know where they're going Is it top important that you not be identified as my friend, That you felt the need to argue about it? You are an insane person, Who has insinuated himself into my life in a moment of desperation.
Okay, well, I think you're an insane person, who is insinuating himself into being my combination assistant and best friend.
But that's It-it's Okay that is not what's happening.
I have the primary and the secondary In my sights.
Uh-huh.
What? I thought we were clear that the rifle isn't necessary.
Yeah, but in the mishkin parambuler, It said that we have to prevent All aggressive action against the primary.
The what? The mission parameters? Except that's not what you said.
The gum went weird in my mouth, sir.
It went weird And made my tongue do a weird move And say stuff wrong.
What branch did they assign you to me from? Provisional? They said you didn't have the budget for the op.
Okay.
Our goal is to observe and protect the primary.
Not To kill anyone.
Right.
Understood.
I've got a shot.
Ah! It's okay.
It's okay.
You okay? Back off, okay? Back off! Thank you.
So, you pay for her medication? I did.
What's changed? That was my last $300.
I now literally have no money.
None.
I don't understand.
You lost your job, you've got that nut Dorian chasing you around, Why give her all of your money? Surely A disease runs in my family, It has for five generations.
- Pararibulitis? - Yeah, right.
How did you pay for treatment? You don't seem Our parents.
I was in college.
They had more money back then.
By the time I'd recovered, My treatments had pretty much Depleted all their savings.
It's good of you to help.
She's my sister.
Every time I see her, She looks at me, and thinks She thinks maybe she can get better, too.
Well, isn't there a chance she will, though? If you did? Let's Can we just be quiet For the drive? Probably should've seen this one coming.
Like the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs.
There's no way I could have known what I'm not I'm coming to get you, Lydia.
I am coming to get you, okay! I'm coming to get you! What? Why? No, just leave me alone.
- I live here now.
- What? Well, why do you think I was talking to Dorian.
Did you not hear my voice? I'm not from here, I'm from a totally different place.
England.
Screw this.
Ow! Ah! Shit, sorry.
Ow! I ah-hah! Hey! That's mine! What do you want now? I need you to work with me, I wanted to discuss the case.
What case? The death of Patrick spring.
The incident at the Perriman Grand? I was hired to investigate it By the victim.
Patrick Spring, the rich guy? Wait, he's the one who died at the hotel? That's right and he hired me, well above my normal rate, To investigate his own death A full six weeks before it even happened.
I wouldn't have taken the case Except, come on, Animal attack? Seattle? A guy predicting his own death? Pretty interesting stuff.
And how am I involved in any of this? You were there, the day it happened.
They used your key.
The cases are connected.
All cases are connected.
Have you ever actually solved a case? Sure.
Tons.
Well, some.
Well, a few.
There was a bit about a sofa, a thing with Thor Thor? Yes, he's not nearly as good-looking as people say.
Listen, Dirk, you seem like a nice guy.
Or, not nice, But you seem like a guy, okay? You seem like a guy, but I can't do this.
I'm a murder suspect, okay? I'm broke money won't be a problem for you soon, Todd.
How do you figure that? Now that I've told you you're working the case, You are working the case, the universe will make you a part of this Wether you are accomplice or not You are now a vital part of the investigation.
Well, so who's going to pay me.
You? Probably not.
But you will investigate, Even if you don't mean to, And you will be compensated, Even if you haven't technically earned it.
Oh, no.
Things are about to get ugly.
Stay frosty.
What's this? "Project Incubus.
" Shit! Ow! Stupid traitor bed! Whoo! Whoo! I'm sick of the games! No chess, no checkers, no monopoly! What is this? What is happening? The rowdy 3! Let's go! There are four of them.
I'm wildly aware.
They're after you, right? Come on, Dirk, please go! Please, just go! Bad news delivery! Hello! What the hell is this new shit? Big D is gonna take care of business! Listen, I am a person of varied intuitions.
And they're rarely wrong, but also rarely completely right.
That's the nature of the situation, That's a reality we're going to accept.
Accepted? No? Yes? Doesn't matter.
There's four men with baseball bats Headed up the stairs right now to wreck your apartment! - No, no, no, no! - No, Todd, no! No.
Please I don't want to be a part of this.
Please, just go, please.
Ding dong.
We are not professionals! Before we tear it out your face and throw it in a dumpster! Help! There's garbage everywhere! What the Television! I have had enough of this shit.
Jesus, you gotta be kiddin' me.
We got eyes on a gun, Require backup at 515 Request backup at 515 Ridgely Lane.
Dorian's gonna kick your ass! Shit, Alpha is in danger.
We're live.
Lock and load.
Okay.
Lockers.
No.
Everything I own No Why? What did they do to you? It's complicated where's my rent, Todd? What did you guys do to this place? Who were those guys? You think they intimidate me? Just listen No, it's too late, nobody makes a fool out of me! What, you think I'm stupid? Tell me you have some kind of way out of this.
I'm sorry, I'm very good at getting in to situations.
I've often found I have more trouble getting out of them Dirk, shut up! Just shut up! I know what you did.
I warned you! Bye-bye, you thieving mother Shots fired! Shots fired! Let's go! Let's go! Move out! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Freeze! Freeze! - Drop the gun! - No, you drop the gun! - Freeze! - Drop it! Drop it! - FBI! - Drop your weapons! - Drop it! - Freeze! What is going on? You okay? Find me! Find me! I'm right here! What now? You're free to go.
For now.
Really? The death looks like an accident.
For now.
Good news is that FBI had surveillance on Dorian Ozman's house.
They did? Uh Why? Apparently, he sold a really incredible amount of jewels To an astonishing number of people.
So, I'm not a suspect in anything? You're a person of interest, Permanently, Even though you're not necessarily An interesting person.
That feels unnecessarily rude.
The police will determine The proper levels of antagonism Toward a man now connected To four dead bodies In two separate cases.
The "do not leave town" order is still in effect.
Do not leave town.
Hey, you're not supposed to be down here.
Hermano Palacios? Um Yes? Did you find a kitten? What? In the penthouse, Did you find a kitten? Kitten, look, I don't know what you're talking about.
All done down here, Ed.
You're sure you did not see a kitten? Crap.
They let me out, too.
Must've been the CIA, Always getting me out of things.
They didn't even mention the bloody rowdy 3, But I guess the CIA must've told them not to, - wich make - Shut up.
I don't care.
Go away.
Need a ride? Someone died tonight.
They died right in front of us, That doesn't bother you? I think it might bother me more later, When I'm less Something.
Do you want to know why Dorian wanted the rent? Because he was crazy.
No, because I stole it from him.
Huh, but what? I was affraid because I knew the man needed romance.
And I didn't think I'd be able to get an advance at the hotel, So I paid him in cash, I snuck around the back of his house When he wasn't there, I stole it back.
I thought he'd be too cracked out to notice, He did notice, And he wouldn't let it go, And now he's dead.
Well To be honest, That seems practical to me.
Practical? He shot himself in the head! B-but you're okay, Right? I have nothing.
I don't have my apartment, I have zero money, I have no prospects.
I'm homeless, and living a lye, and I'm a suspect in multiple homicides.
Well, when you put it like that, It's pretty bad, But we've got a case to solve.
A missing girl, her murdered father, And, undoubtedly, more pieces falling into place I am not your Watson, asshole! I'm not available for side-kicking On something I am not involved with! I am my own messed up person, With my own messed up problems! No, just shut up.
You never shut up! - Stop.
Stop - Shut up! Stop! You've been making choices out of desperation for too long, That much is obvious.
You're backing yourself into a corner.
Break the pattern.
Take control of your life, Todd.
The instant you take control, interesting things will happen.
I guarantee it.
You know what, no, I don't want to hear all that From you right now.
Keep the Hallmark card.
Stop the bus! Stop the bus! Stop the bus! I, uh Your dog, I-I brought The address was on the tag.
Come here Thanks.
Yeah, that's Brotzman.
And we'll pick Another winner tonight.
That's right, every moment is an opportunity.
Every second is a chance to change your life.
Aw This is your big opportunity.
Every choice is a new beginning.
The smallest decisions in life Can have the biggest consequences.
It's never too late.
This is your chance to fix everything.
Now Announcing tonight's $10,000 midnight pick! The winning numbers are 7 4 5 15 0 1 you are never gonna get everything you want in this world First things first get what you deserve it began when I was 21 years old And my Mom and Dad were begging me to go So I left a note and we went and hit the road Me and Chris and all the stuff I own
I've been awake.
Where are you? It's time.
I'm I'm on my way, is where I am, And almost there already, So everything's great.
Good morning, buttercup! Where is my money? Dorian! Dorian! Dorian, stop! Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Stop! Where's my money! I gave you your money, Dorian.
Where's the goddamn rent? I paid you the rent, I paid you yesterday! Don't tell me what you did or didn't do! You don't know what happened yesterday, - You're not a historian! - I'm just okay Are you a historian? - No, but - No! I want my money today, 600 bucks, or I swear to god, I will kill you.
If you screw with me again Damn it.
Yeah, what are you gonna do, you gonna call the cops? Go ahead.
No, you won't.
No, you won't.
You know why? 'Cause I got you, I.
Got.
You.
Money! I want my money! Today! My 600 bucks! The spring family is notoriously reclusive And cannot be reached for comment at this time.
If you or anyone you know has information On the whereabouts of Lydia spring, Please contact the number below.
Where's the goddamn rent? My 600 bucks! I swear to god, I will kill you! Where's my money? Are you a historian? Mr.
Palacios Chap, perfect, I need you to get up to 745 Yes, I will, I just Welcome to the perriman grand.
Allow us to help you with that.
If I could get my check a little early this month? What? Why? Are you okay? Yeah, I could just use the money.
Yeah, look, Todd, I need you to get up to 745 right away.
There's some kind of a drunk woman up there Acting crazy, And do me a favor, Check out the pent house, They've had a "do not disturb" since 2:00 P.
M.
Yesterday.
You still have your master key? No, I-I misplaced it.
Take mine.
745, and then the penthouse.
Okay, but then we can talk about the check? Later, yes.
Later, hmm? Okay.
Yeah, well, I'm here on assignment, so just - No, I was just - Get out of the way.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh.
Do I have to leave? Or could I just sit here for a second? Take your time.
Can you just Hang out With me? For a second? I hate men.
I'll be out of here in an hour.
Okay, if you need anything, my name is Todd.
I hate voicemail! Hey, sis, it's me.
Listen, I'm not ignoring you, I just I don't know if I have the money right now, And I know I promised you, But there have been some Unforeseen circumstances.
I'm going to get past it, and I'm gonna get you the money, - And you'll be able to - Time machine! No, you lied to me.
You lied to me the whole time and now you've screwed both of us.
No! Silence! No! Don't you say a word.
I don't want to hear Holy shit, this is when it happened.
That means Come on! Todd? Where the hell are you, Todd? I I don't know.
Have you checked out the penthouse? I mean, I'm I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
Estevez.
Zimmerfield.
Missing persons.
Missing persons? This is a homicide, or Something.
We believe this homicide has possible ties to an ongoing Probable ties to an ongoing missing persons case Wait.
What do you mean "or something?" It is strange in here.
What are those, are those burns? The guy in the bed was torn in half.
The other guy Had his arm torn off.
There are bite marks on the ceiling.
So we are looking for like An animal, or a weapon? There are multiple bite marks on the ceiling.
They say the noise only went on for 10 or so seconds.
Zim, what the hell does this in 10 seconds? A man was bitten in half.
Bitten in half? They say they got a witness.
Oh, yeah? How big are his teeth? And you have no idea when the key left your possession? No.
I'll be honest, it doesn't look great, Todd.
Late to work, late getting to the penthouse, No key.
It all seems very, you know Confluent.
Yeah.
Adding up to me raising my eyebrows like Like that.
See, I can't do it.
Only zimmerfield can.
Only zimmerfield.
Security tapes are badly scrambled But we did manage to pull this.
Before you arrived in the penthouse.
Is that your key? I don't think so.
Wait, is he wearing a gorilla mask? You didn't See anything weird this morning, Did you, Mr.
Brotzman? Yes.
No.
M-maybe.
I don't know.
You just gave every possible response to that question? Eyebrows.
If I were you, I wouldn't leave town.
Hmm? Is there Is there any way you could get the security footage For the 18th floor? That the security footage was badly scrambled.
Any particular reason you want that, Todd? Did something happen on the 18th floor? No, I Okay, no.
You didn't touch anything At the scene, Did you, Todd? No.
Don't leave town.
I won't.
Seriously.
Don't leave town.
Okay.
Todd! Hey, man, snap out of it.
Yeah, sorry, what? They think it's connected to something bigger.
What, like the mob? No.
While you were in there, Did you see any kind of an animal? Animal? - No, I - They said they found paw prints.
Paw prints? Like a dog? No.
Also, you're fired.
Your involvement in all of this, It's complicated.
You can't fire me.
I just opened a door.
Well, some doors shouldn't be opened.
Okay, okay, okay, Is there any way please Is there anyway you can give me my final check today, - As a type of severance - Well, it's a same-day termination, - I have to delay the check.
- Same day? What do you mean same day? - It's just happened today.
- Yes, today is the day that is the same, Today is the day that it happened.
Right, but any day that it would've happened Would've been the day it happened - Listen, I need the money - Yes, but it's a same-day termination.
It's always a day, right? Things happen when they happen.
They happen immediately, That's what "happening" is, it means No, Todd, sometimes when things happen, they don't happen.
Hi! Ow! Right, now you're gonna get Hi-ya! Whoa! Stop it Jesus! With the What the hell, man! You "what the hell?" No! Me "what the hell?" How did you get in here? The window, obviously.
Do you attack everyone who comes in here.
Seems like a weird thing to do, You can't just break in to my apartment.
Well, clearly, I can.
I mean, I just did I'll call the police.
I'm trying to decide whether you're a clue, An accomplice, Or an assistant.
Who are you? What is this? Have you noticed an acceleration of strangeness In your life as of late? Perhaps a series of intense or extraordinary events, Which, as of now, seem unconnected, With the exception of each being separately bizarre? Perhaps every day before now Has, for the most part, been humdrum and inane, Your life a mundane, unvarying slog Through unfulfilling jobs, Shallow depression, and boring, boring sex? Well And then suddenly, today, Everything changed, And your life became a swirl of interesting activity? An assistant.
I knew it.
Oh, my name is Dirk Gently.
I'm a detective, I live here now, and Ooh.
I'll be sleeping here tonight.
You're a terrible assistant.
"Project Icarus" is leaving the building.
What about the other guy? I don't know yet.
What? What? It's hard to hear you through the comm in my ear.
I'm not talking to you through the comm.
I'm talking right to you.
- Got a shoot.
- What do you mean, you've got a shot? Do I take the shot? Don't take the shot Confirmed, taking the shot.
What the hell are you doing? You are endangering The whole goddamn operation! Shit.
What the hell just happened? Who were those guys? Plates came up military.
Is the guy we're tailing Meeting up with another guy, who is also being tailed, By other people? I let everyone down.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! I'm so bored.
My life sucks.
Is it bad, or No, I mean, it was a little better today.
Maybe it'll keep getting better.
Didn't you say that it started out feeling better A little bit at a time when it happened to you? Y-yeah, a little bit, - But - Don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up.
When aunt Esther would have good days and bad days? Yeah, I just remember the bad days.
Hey, I'm coming up tomorrow.
Your message said you didn't have the money.
Yeah, well I'll figure something out, okay? I'll figure it out.
You seem stressed out.
Is everything okay over there? Money.
- Don't leave town.
- Also, you're fired.
Hi-ya! No, I Everything's fine.
Hurry up! I'm going as fast as I can, okay! Look, it's not easy doing this under pressure.
Plus, I've never worked with this kind of rigging before! It's not like you're paying me that much anyway.
This is private property.
No, no, no! No! Stay away! No! Somebody! Help me! Please! Oh, god! No! Please Dirk Gently, you are a dead man! Who's Who's Dirk Gently? You're not Dirk Gently? No.
What, are you kidding me right now? Then why did you run? You have a machete! Why didn't you just say "I'm not Dirk Gently?" Because I don't know who that is! Hi! What are you still doing here? What are you doing here? I live here.
Right, but where are you going? Didn't you say you lost your job? No, I didn't say that, actually.
- How did you - I'm a detective.
I'm on a case.
You worked at that hotel, Where the murders took place.
Been all over the news, For people who still watch the news, You know, old people, and me, occasionally.
Was I on TV? Would it be bad for you if you were? None of your business.
- May be it is.
- No it isn't.
- Where are you going? - None of your business.
You don't even know my business! Maybe I'm a cab driver.
You just said you were on a case.
Maybe I have two jobs! Leave me alone.
- But maybe - no! Where? My sister's house, okay? I'll give you a ride.
What's the alternative.
Unless you have some kind of magic car-fixing robot.
You don't, though.
I've seen in your apartment.
It's an hour away.
Time, I laugh at the concept.
I can spend a whole day without even trying.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where are you going? - Let's go.
- Where's my money, huh? Where's my rent? Where's my rent money? Careful, it's not my car.
You paid me? Do I look like an accountant to you? Do I look like I know how much you paid me? Shit.
Go, go, go! Dirk! Make sure he comes back with my money! What the They're going to bounce this case to major crimes Unless we can turn up something To connect this to Lydia spring, And I mean soon.
Anybody find that kitten? With the bloody No, but uniforms found a hole in a wall In a stairwell adjacent to the penthouse.
Went straight through to the electrical system, Some kind of pulse blew up the whole deal.
What could've caused that? Lightning strike.
Did that happen? Nope.
We even checked the lightning rods.
They still have lightning rods? As long as they have lightning.
Where was the security, Zim? Patrick spring always rolled with bodyguards.
We should talk to Farah Black again.
We've got her on file from when Lydia first went missing, Right here.
Already tried.
No answer.
This is connected to Lydia.
It has to be, right? Rich girl gets in a fight with her father, Less than one week later, he's dead? Could be a coincidence.
That would be ridiculous.
Like bite marks on the ceiling? Like bite marks on the ceiling.
What did you got there? I've been trying to find monkey mask on the tapes, See if we can trace his progress to the room, But it seems like he knew where the cameras were.
Or he was already staying in the hotel.
I did find one thing kind of interesting, though.
Whose dog is that? Come on, relax, enjoy the ride.
I can already tell we've got oodles in common.
We both like, um, eating, Breathing.
We both can, walk.
Listen, there's an ocean of commonalities here abroad the door.
why does Dorian know your name? Who? Oh, right, I was talking to him this morning.
About what? Your apartment building, the Ridgely.
Fascinating history, that place.
Asshole! Who are you? I'm a detective, a holistic detective, And before you ask, no, I'm not with the CIA anymore.
A holistic What is a "holistic detective"? I'm very glad you asked me that, Mister What's your name? - Todd.
- I'm very glad you asked me that, Todd.
The term "holistic" Refers to my convictions About the fundamental interconnectedness Of all things.
With such petty things as fingerprint powder, Telltale pieces of pocket fluff And inane footprints.
You're a detective who doesn't find clues.
That sounds, You know, insane.
I see the solution to each problem In the pattern and web of the whole.
The connections between causes and effects Than we, with our rough and ready understanding Of the physical world Might naturally suppose.
Man! Jesus Christ! Sorry.
New car.
I thought you said this wasn't your car.
Doesn't mean it isn't new.
It was good you decided to come with me.
I didn't decide anything.
You said you'd kill me if I didn't come.
You decided it would be better to come with me Than die.
That was nice.
We gotta stop for gas.
But You don't need gas.
Call it a hunch.
Hey, hi ho hey, get up on the roof.
Where I can see you till I get back.
The roof? Won't this look suspicious? Suspicious? Ken, you're a riot.
Did you just kill someone? I'm an assassin.
That's what I do, I kill people.
You didn't notice? You were hired to come here? No, I'm a holistic assassin.
A what? A what? "Holistic" is the fundamental interconnectedness Of all things.
I don't do your whole deal With sniper rifles, poison, Or getting hired.
I just, I kill whoever I feel like killing all day, And if I killed them, they were my target.
The connection between cause and effect Is much more, you know, Subtle Than you would otherwise think.
I mean You wouldn't believe it.
Things, they They double up.
They parallel.
Everything is chaos, but it It's synchronized? It's like there's always something ready To mirror itself, life endlessly turning inward.
Don't get me wrong But that just sounds like a murder spree.
I've never killed the wrong person.
I have killed a lot of people, though.
Get in the car.
See? And you're already acting like an assistant.
I just I'm just trying to be helpful.
It's not What I came here to say.
You know, I started to think, You're more important to this case Than you realize.
What case? You broke into my apartment.
Well I mean, how do you even investigate anything If you don't use any investigative stuff? Interconnectedness! Coincidence, and the rarer, sexier coinky-dinks.
Once hired, I am intrinsically connected to the specific case.
I then will eventually solve the mystery Merely by just kind of doing whatever.
So, then who told you to break into my apartment? No one, I was investigating your building for other reasons, which will for now remain tangential, And I just had a hunch you might be important.
Hey, and I was right.
I found a very compelling piece of evidence.
What did you find? Nothing.
But you just said Everything is connected.
Nothing is also connected.
Don't run any more red lights.
Whatever keeps you sane.
Oh, no.
We should go.
We should go.
Ring the bell.
What the hell? You said you were going to stay in the car.
I lied, though.
What? Do you think how is no cop, I was trained as a ninja by the CIA.
What? Sorry that's a lie, too.
Just go back to the car.
Todd You came! Yeah, of course, I came.
What, you didn't think I would come? I Who's this? It's, uh It's Dirk Gently.
Dirk okay, hi.
Sorry.
I'm Amanda.
- Hi! - No, don't.
Don't say hello? Hello, Amanda! Are you friends? - No.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
We're very good friends.
Ow! You're a terrible assis-friend.
The death of billionaire entrepreneur Patrick spring and several others, by an animal attack Rather than a murder as was initially reported, But unusually animal remains undisclosed at this time.
Sources within the police department Will neither confirm nor deny To the recent disappearance of Spring's daughter, Heiress Lydia Spring, Now missing for over four days Do you have any friends who can come by And just help you with this, Cleaning up, or- It's hard to keep friends When you can't go outside Without worrying a gust of wind Will knock you down.
I barely get out of the house anymore.
God.
Why don't you move back in with Mom and Dad? - May be they can help you.
- You know that they're broke, Todd.
I would just be a burden on them.
I'm a burden on everyone.
What's wrong with you, exactly? I have pararibulitus.
Ah, of course.
What's that? Who are you? I'm Dirk Gently.
I'm a private detective.
You don't look like a private detective.
Well, no private detective looks like a private detective.
That's one of the first rules of private detection.
But if no private detective looks like a private detective, How does a private detective know what it is That he shouldn't look like? It's a nerve disease.
It causes your brain To misinterpret certain inputs, And you actually have hallucinations that feel real, And, in most cases, very painful.
So That means Water on your hand Could feel like fire.
Breathing could feel like drowning.
I'm sorry.
That's terrible.
And so interesting.
Yeah, well, it makes it hard to not be scared all the time.
But Todd had it, and he got better, So I just need to take my meds and eat healthy.
So then why do you stay in the house? What? If the disease is in you, Why does it matter where you go? Hey, uh Amanda, do you wanna jam? Yeah.
Of course.
Cool.
I'll be there in a minute.
Why are you doing this? I'm on a case.
My primary method of investigation Who looks like they know where they're going Is it top important that you not be identified as my friend, That you felt the need to argue about it? You are an insane person, Who has insinuated himself into my life in a moment of desperation.
Okay, well, I think you're an insane person, who is insinuating himself into being my combination assistant and best friend.
But that's It-it's Okay that is not what's happening.
I have the primary and the secondary In my sights.
Uh-huh.
What? I thought we were clear that the rifle isn't necessary.
Yeah, but in the mishkin parambuler, It said that we have to prevent All aggressive action against the primary.
The what? The mission parameters? Except that's not what you said.
The gum went weird in my mouth, sir.
It went weird And made my tongue do a weird move And say stuff wrong.
What branch did they assign you to me from? Provisional? They said you didn't have the budget for the op.
Okay.
Our goal is to observe and protect the primary.
Not To kill anyone.
Right.
Understood.
I've got a shot.
Ah! It's okay.
It's okay.
You okay? Back off, okay? Back off! Thank you.
So, you pay for her medication? I did.
What's changed? That was my last $300.
I now literally have no money.
None.
I don't understand.
You lost your job, you've got that nut Dorian chasing you around, Why give her all of your money? Surely A disease runs in my family, It has for five generations.
- Pararibulitis? - Yeah, right.
How did you pay for treatment? You don't seem Our parents.
I was in college.
They had more money back then.
By the time I'd recovered, My treatments had pretty much Depleted all their savings.
It's good of you to help.
She's my sister.
Every time I see her, She looks at me, and thinks She thinks maybe she can get better, too.
Well, isn't there a chance she will, though? If you did? Let's Can we just be quiet For the drive? Probably should've seen this one coming.
Like the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs.
There's no way I could have known what I'm not I'm coming to get you, Lydia.
I am coming to get you, okay! I'm coming to get you! What? Why? No, just leave me alone.
- I live here now.
- What? Well, why do you think I was talking to Dorian.
Did you not hear my voice? I'm not from here, I'm from a totally different place.
England.
Screw this.
Ow! Ah! Shit, sorry.
Ow! I ah-hah! Hey! That's mine! What do you want now? I need you to work with me, I wanted to discuss the case.
What case? The death of Patrick spring.
The incident at the Perriman Grand? I was hired to investigate it By the victim.
Patrick Spring, the rich guy? Wait, he's the one who died at the hotel? That's right and he hired me, well above my normal rate, To investigate his own death A full six weeks before it even happened.
I wouldn't have taken the case Except, come on, Animal attack? Seattle? A guy predicting his own death? Pretty interesting stuff.
And how am I involved in any of this? You were there, the day it happened.
They used your key.
The cases are connected.
All cases are connected.
Have you ever actually solved a case? Sure.
Tons.
Well, some.
Well, a few.
There was a bit about a sofa, a thing with Thor Thor? Yes, he's not nearly as good-looking as people say.
Listen, Dirk, you seem like a nice guy.
Or, not nice, But you seem like a guy, okay? You seem like a guy, but I can't do this.
I'm a murder suspect, okay? I'm broke money won't be a problem for you soon, Todd.
How do you figure that? Now that I've told you you're working the case, You are working the case, the universe will make you a part of this Wether you are accomplice or not You are now a vital part of the investigation.
Well, so who's going to pay me.
You? Probably not.
But you will investigate, Even if you don't mean to, And you will be compensated, Even if you haven't technically earned it.
Oh, no.
Things are about to get ugly.
Stay frosty.
What's this? "Project Incubus.
" Shit! Ow! Stupid traitor bed! Whoo! Whoo! I'm sick of the games! No chess, no checkers, no monopoly! What is this? What is happening? The rowdy 3! Let's go! There are four of them.
I'm wildly aware.
They're after you, right? Come on, Dirk, please go! Please, just go! Bad news delivery! Hello! What the hell is this new shit? Big D is gonna take care of business! Listen, I am a person of varied intuitions.
And they're rarely wrong, but also rarely completely right.
That's the nature of the situation, That's a reality we're going to accept.
Accepted? No? Yes? Doesn't matter.
There's four men with baseball bats Headed up the stairs right now to wreck your apartment! - No, no, no, no! - No, Todd, no! No.
Please I don't want to be a part of this.
Please, just go, please.
Ding dong.
We are not professionals! Before we tear it out your face and throw it in a dumpster! Help! There's garbage everywhere! What the Television! I have had enough of this shit.
Jesus, you gotta be kiddin' me.
We got eyes on a gun, Require backup at 515 Request backup at 515 Ridgely Lane.
Dorian's gonna kick your ass! Shit, Alpha is in danger.
We're live.
Lock and load.
Okay.
Lockers.
No.
Everything I own No Why? What did they do to you? It's complicated where's my rent, Todd? What did you guys do to this place? Who were those guys? You think they intimidate me? Just listen No, it's too late, nobody makes a fool out of me! What, you think I'm stupid? Tell me you have some kind of way out of this.
I'm sorry, I'm very good at getting in to situations.
I've often found I have more trouble getting out of them Dirk, shut up! Just shut up! I know what you did.
I warned you! Bye-bye, you thieving mother Shots fired! Shots fired! Let's go! Let's go! Move out! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Freeze! Freeze! - Drop the gun! - No, you drop the gun! - Freeze! - Drop it! Drop it! - FBI! - Drop your weapons! - Drop it! - Freeze! What is going on? You okay? Find me! Find me! I'm right here! What now? You're free to go.
For now.
Really? The death looks like an accident.
For now.
Good news is that FBI had surveillance on Dorian Ozman's house.
They did? Uh Why? Apparently, he sold a really incredible amount of jewels To an astonishing number of people.
So, I'm not a suspect in anything? You're a person of interest, Permanently, Even though you're not necessarily An interesting person.
That feels unnecessarily rude.
The police will determine The proper levels of antagonism Toward a man now connected To four dead bodies In two separate cases.
The "do not leave town" order is still in effect.
Do not leave town.
Hey, you're not supposed to be down here.
Hermano Palacios? Um Yes? Did you find a kitten? What? In the penthouse, Did you find a kitten? Kitten, look, I don't know what you're talking about.
All done down here, Ed.
You're sure you did not see a kitten? Crap.
They let me out, too.
Must've been the CIA, Always getting me out of things.
They didn't even mention the bloody rowdy 3, But I guess the CIA must've told them not to, - wich make - Shut up.
I don't care.
Go away.
Need a ride? Someone died tonight.
They died right in front of us, That doesn't bother you? I think it might bother me more later, When I'm less Something.
Do you want to know why Dorian wanted the rent? Because he was crazy.
No, because I stole it from him.
Huh, but what? I was affraid because I knew the man needed romance.
And I didn't think I'd be able to get an advance at the hotel, So I paid him in cash, I snuck around the back of his house When he wasn't there, I stole it back.
I thought he'd be too cracked out to notice, He did notice, And he wouldn't let it go, And now he's dead.
Well To be honest, That seems practical to me.
Practical? He shot himself in the head! B-but you're okay, Right? I have nothing.
I don't have my apartment, I have zero money, I have no prospects.
I'm homeless, and living a lye, and I'm a suspect in multiple homicides.
Well, when you put it like that, It's pretty bad, But we've got a case to solve.
A missing girl, her murdered father, And, undoubtedly, more pieces falling into place I am not your Watson, asshole! I'm not available for side-kicking On something I am not involved with! I am my own messed up person, With my own messed up problems! No, just shut up.
You never shut up! - Stop.
Stop - Shut up! Stop! You've been making choices out of desperation for too long, That much is obvious.
You're backing yourself into a corner.
Break the pattern.
Take control of your life, Todd.
The instant you take control, interesting things will happen.
I guarantee it.
You know what, no, I don't want to hear all that From you right now.
Keep the Hallmark card.
Stop the bus! Stop the bus! Stop the bus! I, uh Your dog, I-I brought The address was on the tag.
Come here Thanks.
Yeah, that's Brotzman.
And we'll pick Another winner tonight.
That's right, every moment is an opportunity.
Every second is a chance to change your life.
Aw This is your big opportunity.
Every choice is a new beginning.
The smallest decisions in life Can have the biggest consequences.
It's never too late.
This is your chance to fix everything.
Now Announcing tonight's $10,000 midnight pick! The winning numbers are 7 4 5 15 0 1 you are never gonna get everything you want in this world First things first get what you deserve it began when I was 21 years old And my Mom and Dad were begging me to go So I left a note and we went and hit the road Me and Chris and all the stuff I own