Dirt (2006) s01e01 Episode Script

Lucy, I just need five minutes of your time for my new client.
Nice job with Jessica.
Oh, my God, she looked ridiculous.
Hey, sweetie, listen, Jessica wants you to print a retraction.
Not now.
We'll talk about it we'll talk about it later.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
What's that, Harvey? No woman should leave their drink unattended in these troubled times.
Most of all you.
- You heard of Jatropha curcas? - Your second wife? No.
It's a poisonous plant that grows in the tropics.
Very difficult to detect, flavorless, and it kills in about 15 minutes.
Do you have any idea of how many of these people would like to see you laying on the ground begging for somebody to call 911? Damien Fields, less than 20 feet away.
You have pictures of him blowing some guy in Griffith Park.
At least we shot his good side.
Cara Valente.
Exposé on her and her nanny.
- Manny.
- Right.
Manny.
And that time-lapse series on the hooker parade on and off my yacht.
That was very clever.
It was very funny.
Didn't even make the cover.
You're hardly Spielberg, Harvey.
Certainly not anymore after becoming a punch line in your magazines.
You know, that divorce cost me two out of my three houses.
Hollywood, that's practically homeless.
- You know why I'm not afraid? - Hmm? Because you and all of your Hollywood pals read my magazines and secretly love them.
And you know every word is true.
And as much as you all hate to admit it, you need me.
You're amazing.
Prince Tyreese, high scorer tonight with 26 points and a triple-double.
How does it feel? Good.
I wish they could all go down like that.
What are your thoughts going to the playoffs? Play good, don't get hurt.
Make sure I make it to my kids' parent-teacher conference.
Wise words indeed from tonight's Pontiac MVP, Prince Tyreese.
Keep it.
Sorry.
I'm happily married.
I don't care if you're on your deathbed, your mother's on fire, we're at the brink of nuclear war, I want those photos on my desk tonight.
OK.
Give my love to Maria.
Bye.
OK, everybody.
What do you got? We have a dozen really ugly celeb butt shots.
Great.
Do we have Britney? Oh, yes.
Hmm.
"Derriere Don'ts.
" "Booty Boo-Boos"? "Pass The Cottage Cheese.
" That's good, but it's a little too abstract.
This is Dirt Magazine, folks.
OK.
What about covers? We have a lead on a mistress in the Pagliacco murder trial.
- Confirmation? - It's gonna cost us.
- What does she look like? - Not bad.
Slutty.
Good.
We love slutty.
Tell her if she doesn't talk to us, we're gonna run it without her side.
Oh.
Excuse me.
- Just make it happen.
- OK.
No problem.
- OK, anything on the Blogan bump? - Nothing on the Blump.
But I was with Mary Kate's trainer's best friend at a party.
She was saying she might be going to rehab.
Really? Anything else on that? No.
I thought we could do a thing about her struggle with addiction Right, her struggle.
OK.
Listen, there is actual reporting involved in what we do.
Our readers want to know people actually screw up, that they sleep with hookers and that they lie.
No, a friend of a friend, that would be gossip.
Gossip is what lands you in court.
The only real defense we have is the truth, preferably with photos.
Duffy, you're fired.
McPherson, you've got a week to convince me not to fire you.
You have five minutes to clean out your desk.
Shit.
Remember.
The people that we're going after every day are not stupid.
They've risen to the top.
So we have to be faster, bolder, and smarter than they are.
Think we're behind here, you should see your sister magazine.
If anything breaks, I'm reachable.
Guys, have fun.
Hi, Don.
Are you in place? Yes.
The housekeeper let me in.
I gave Stormy half the money up front.
Ok.
Great.
Tyreese is leaving training right now.
Are you OK? Don? Yeah.
I don't know.
I'm OK.
Don, are you taking your medication? Have you been in touch with Dr.
Shalba? I cannot go to the pharmacy for you.
- OK.
Sorry.
- Can you still do the work? - Yes.
- Are you sure? You want me to get someone to cover the premiere? No, I got it.
Go after Holt McLaren, make him mad.
That's right.
And I'll take over from there.
Oh, Prince! Oh, yes! I think it's your turn now.
Turn this way and smile, please! Right over here.
Just one more.
You got it.
Hey, Lucy.
Want some chili fries? God, no.
Did you get Tyreese and the hooker? - Yeah.
- You got everything? I got them having sex for two hours and the coke, and he choked her and the strap-on.
- Don, not so loud? - Right.
- Julia! - Julia! Julia! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Will you step out while we get some pictures of the stars? - Holt McLaren? - Yeah.
You were great in Another Word for Love.
Thanks.
I mean really great.
Like like stop-the-presses great.
And yet somehow the presses keep going, huh? - Haven't seen you in the trades lately.
- Huh? - Haven't seen you in the trades.
- I took some time off.
You did like seven movies in a row that all bombed.
Yeah, I did.
Countdown, Blow Monkey, Pale Assassin, The Growling, Hospitality, That's only six.
Dead Even.
Uncredited cameo.
Wow.
You're creepy, man.
You're always great in everything you do.
You're authentic.
Thanks.
Anything coming up? Huh? Anything coming up? Um I'm, like, in talks on this cool Fincher movie.
It's a great script.
We'll see.
- That sounds pretty vague.
- Huh? Sounds pretty unlikely, like the movie won't happen.
Anyway, take care, man.
Hey, Holt! Holt! Holt! - What? - They have great chemistry.
He's not very good, but they're good together.
You know, they look hot together.
What? It was a rumor, he screwed her on the movie.
- What the hell did you say? - I don't believe it.
But I could find out definitively if you want to know.
What are you talking about? That way, maybe you could give me a piece of gossip.
Or a big one.
And that way, I could help you get your career out of the toilet.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - Take it easy.
That's good work, Don.
That's great work.
I want to see that footage first.
Get out of here.
Hey, Holt! Where's the smile, buddy? Yeah, right here, pal.
I was in a fight with this guy.
And he's being an idiot.
And he's on the floor, you know.
He looks back up at me and I'm all like, "I know Krav Maga, bitch!" Guys, right here? Thank you.
Beautiful.
Oh, hey, Holt, bummer about that a-hole paparazzi dude.
Yeah.
- So, what's up, man? - Huh? You been working? - Developing a couple things.
- He's got an independent.
Man, you were awesome in Another Word for Love.
One of my all-times.
Thanks, man.
I thought, damn, this guy's good.
I thought I was gonna have to, like, move aside.
I'm gonna go sit down.
Hey, keep at it.
You got mad skills, dog! Yeah, peace out, bro.
Hi.
I'm sorry about earlier.
That photographer's a nut job.
And you give a shit because I'm Lucy Spiller, Now magazine.
I'm a big fan.
Right.
Listen I would love to do a feature on you sometime.
"The Actor's Actor.
" "Actor's Actor," huh? Isn't that a nice way of saying "chronically unemployed"? We just have to find the right thing to do together.
Or the right reason.
Bye.
- What an asshole.
- Gee, you think? Easy there, Tyson.
Hey.
I'm so sorry I ruined your premiere.
Are you kidding? You took their minds off the movie, which sucks.
Come on.
You were great, though.
You just love me.
Yeah, I guess I do.
You can do better than that.
Don't you think we've been in the news enough for one night? Come on, you really think anybody in here sees anything but themselves? Plus, it's really dark in here.
It is.
And wet.
Make me come.
Great performance! Thank you.
- Call me anytime.
- That would be great, thanks.
You know, nobody in Hollywood reads.
It would be a stretch to call me somebody in Hollywood.
This whole book the whole thing happens because the guy dips a cookie in some tea.
It's not just any cookie.
It's a Madeleine.
Wow, she's gorgeous and she's read Proust.
I'm Cal.
Lucy.
What? This is where you lose interest because I'm not a player.
- I look that shallow? - No.
You don't look shallow at all.
Well, I might be just a little.
We should get a medal for sitting through that movie.
Or something.
Definitely something.
- That's me.
- That's me.
You think you can catch me? If you let me.
Hey, buddy.
You like that? Huh? You like that, buddy? Sure, you do.
Somebody at the door.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Stormy.
- Hey, Don.
Come on in.
I was just playing a little Hawaiian music for Tristan.
I hear it.
Yeah.
He likes that.
Dr.
Lucero said the cancer could go away, but it's not very likely.
Cats are nocturnal.
Right.
Listen, do you think I can get the rest of my money now? OK.
Here you go.
Let go, baby.
Let go.
You put that strap-on right in his butt.
I did.
That was great.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
- OK.
- Good night.
- Good night.
She was nice, huh? Nice lady.
Ah.
Kira? Hi, honey.
How are you? Oh, you look so good! - Hi.
- How are ya? I'm good.
- Your skin, it's, like, glowing.
- Really? Yeah.
You getting laid? I wish.
- Let me show you around, OK? - OK.
Oh, girl, I love it! It's so bohemian.
Thank you.
Oh, check it out.
This guy gave me some E.
E.
How retro.
Here.
Come on, this shit wrecks me.
- Mmm.
Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
Dude, come on.
It's just a fridge.
I don't think he can hear you, bro.
He's pretty cashed.
Holy shit, that's that guy Holt.
Holt, uh - McLaren? - Yeah.
- The guy from Another Word for Love? - That guy was phenomenal.
What's he been doing since then? Standing in front of this fridge.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up, buddy? Stop.
Oh, yes.
What? What's wrong, honey? What is it? You can talk to me.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, God.
Oh, baby.
What who? Indie art-house loser Jeff Stagliano.
Oh, crap.
How? I met him at a retrospective that they were doing at the Egyptian of his films.
Can you imagine that? A retrospective of that shit? I am so totally screwed.
Oh, honey, look, you can always you know No! I am so totally Catholic.
I can't.
Well does he know? No.
No.
Nobody knows.
Nobody knows except you.
Oh, sweetie.
Aw it's OK.
It's OK, honey.
- What are you doing? - I gotta teach a yoga class.
Wow.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
This is for you.
What is this? Just our CD.
I mean, just in case you wanna give it a listen.
I feel terrible.
I didn't get you anything.
You're in the studio, you think there's never been a piece of music like it.
Mozart and Dylan leap to mind.
Then you finish it, and you find every reason in the world to hate it.
Sounds like fun.
Then there's getting people to actually listen to it, and maybe even buy it.
You have your press contacts and your photos.
Yeah.
Nothing like being a desperate musician trying not to appear desperate.
How am I doing? You wanna make us famous? I never told you what I did for a living.
No.
Why? You're not, like, CIA are you? Wow.
You knew the whole time.
"Wanna make us famous?" That was my feeble attempt at humor.
- Get out.
- What? Get out.
Lucy, what's going on? I had an amazing time.
- I'm sure you did.
It didn't work.
- What didn't work? I'm not going until we sort this out.
This is sorted out.
- Get your shit and go.
- That's crazy.
This is crazy.
Is that a stun gun? - Yeah.
Now leave.
- Lucy, you're not gonna use a stun Cats do much better with radiation than humans.
How do you know that? Well, for one thing, they have fewer pain sensors.
I feel that you could have caught this cancer earlier, Don.
- I do too, buddy.
- Excuse me? Baby, baby, I'm so sorry.
I mean, what the hell are they looking for? Sweetie, I know, they suck.
They are idiots.
If we could just get you a little press.
I got a call from Dancing with the Stars.
I'm not doing no Dancing with the Stars bullshit.
- It is a hot, hot show.
- What did Fincher say, exactly? I couldn't get him on the phone, then J.
J.
went on this rant about how you're not hot, you're not bankable All right, all right.
Call me later, will you please? Why'd you have guys on Prince Tyreese? - Is he the basketball player? - Yes, he's the basketball player.
Come on.
We always have people on him.
He's got a squeaky-clean family-man image and he's a total slime ball.
- Did you get anything on him? - You want him to autograph your balls? No.
The son of a bitch loses us every time.
- Lucy.
Lucy? - What? You realize Gibson Horne has a 30% interest in the team, right? Shame on you, Brent.
We're not supposed to cave to corporate interests.
Oh, my God.
Is that how you get through the night, - pretending to be a journalist? - No, I take pills.
How do you get through the night? Don Konkey! The last pap to shoot on film.
Hi, Mr.
Barrow.
Hey, great job on that Holt and Julia thing.
Terrific stuff.
You keep that up.
You're a real playmaker.
You let me know if you get anything on Prince Tyreese.
You're always my first call, Brent.
- You're a paramecium! - Donny, I love - Shh, don't! - Don! Go away! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Remember the puppy dog in third grade? Shh.
Shh.
If I'm gonna do this, my name can never be used.
Your name means nothing.
Thanks, buddy.
They wouldn't want to use your name.
Well, they can't, no matter what.
OK.
And I want some cash.
And I want some kind of good press.
I want stories in your magazines.
Stories that make it seem like I'm getting offers.
I need to have some idea of how big a story you have.
It's big.
And whether we get it exclusively.
You do.
And I have to talk to Lucy.
For all I know, we already know all about it.
You don't.
Nobody does.
I can't talk right now.
They'll want more than just the one story.
I got as much as they can handle.
How's your big project? I'll call you.
You haven't been seeing a therapist? Nope.
I'm going to recommend very strongly, once again, that you see a therapist.
You have the money, the insurance.
I have a list here.
OK.
If I could just You can't treat these drugs like a smorgasbord and take the ones you feel like taking.
If I could get the Zeldox, the Risperdal, Zyprexa and Aripiprazole? You are one of the lucky people who have schizophrenia that's manageable.
Most people aren't so fortunate.
I know.
You have to respect the disease and the treatment.
OK.
I'll respect the disease.
If I could get the Zeldox, the Risperdal, Zyprexa and Aripiprazole? All right.
But I wanna see you in three weeks.
Thank you.
If you don't want your client in a celebrity "big asses" piece, she should stop her twice-daily trips to KFC or stop calling herself a celebrity.
Bye.
- Good morning, sunshine.
- I'm late for a meeting.
This won't take long.
Gib asked me to look at sales/spending ratios, and someone needs a little intervention.
Since when do you have anything to do with the editorial budget? Since the owner of the company asked me to.
I forgot.
Gibson's little warrior.
How's the view from deep inside his ass? Maybe you should remember who hired you.
You just wanted to screw me.
Yes, that's right.
The whole world is out to screw you.
In one way or another.
I hired you because you were the one editor that was supposed to run two magazines at the same time and make them twice as successful.
If you want me to, give me the freedom to run two magazines.
You're overspending! I am busting my ass to make these magazines work.
It's amazing how naked ambition makes a person just completely transparent.
Really? What do you see? You want my job.
I would kill myself if I had your job.
I like to get dirty.
Don.
Donny.
Hey, dickweed! - Donny! - I can read your thoughts.
Oh yeah, Don.
Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! - Hey, Donny Little Dick.
- I am not.
I'm average.
All your thoughts are being monitored, Donny.
No! I love you.
Donny! I love you, Donny.
Kiss me.
No.
Not here.
I'll scream.
I'll scream, Donny.
Kiss me! - No, no, no.
- Just kiss me! Can I help you? Zeldox, the Risperdol, the Zyprexa, and the Aripiprazole.
OK.
It'll be about 45 minutes.
OK.
- No! - I'm sorry? - Back away, Don.
- Hey, come on, Don.
- Don.
Where you going? - Run away! Run away, Don! - I think babies are beautiful.
- Shut up.
I'm totally cool with just being the baby daddy.
I'm not! I slept with you once, Jeff! So? I sleep with a lot of people once.
Right.
That's my point.
OK.
So say someone else is the baby daddy.
- What are you saying it like that for? - Like what? Like you're P.
Diddy or something.
I cannot believe I ever threw you a bang.
Ew! My publicist told me Dirt magazine already knows that you're the baby's daddy because that whore Julia Mallory told them.
I hear you, baby.
I totally hear you.
- You hear me? - Loud and clear, Major Tom.
Oh, my God.
Look, whatever's going on, you gotta take it easy and not get so tweaked.
She she thinks I told Dirt.
She thinks I told the magazine.
She says she's never going to talk to me again.
Shh.
I would never do that.
You know I wouldn't.
Kira has nobody.
Oh, God, I am so lucky I have you.
Shh, shh.
Shh.
Hi.
Just take whatever you want, all right? Don't hurt me.
That's cute.
We're closed, but you want a drink, or just a wall socket to charge your stun gun? You really didn't know who I was? I still don't.
I mean, who the hell are you? Why is it such a big deal? Anyway, I'm sorry.
There it is.
It doesn't happen often.
But I am.
Or even, like, "I'm sorry I tazered your nutsac when you let down your guard with a woman for the first time since your ex cheated on you"? For example.
Wow.
That's rough.
OK, I'm really sorry.
- See? It's pretty nice.
- Getting the hang of it.
If you wanna give it another try I promise, no weapons this time.
Oh yep, here it is! This is it.
Look.
Look.
Wow.
Hey, look at this.
"Wagging tongues in the rumor mill say Holt has several big movie deals in the works.
" I wish they'd let me know about them.
No, it doesn't matter.
If they say you're hot, you'll be hot.
If you say so.
Babe, I am so proud of you.
Hello? Bullshit, who is this? Oh Mr.
Fincher.
David, right.
Yeah, it was just a puff piece, but no, thank you.
To be to be in your movie? What, are you kidding? Of course.
With Kira Kira Klay? No, I didn't know she was gonna do it.
And Clooney.
That's awesome.
Thanks.
No, thank you.
Thank you.
No, listen, I'm gonna work my ass off on this part.
I'm gonna work my ass off.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, wait.
Hold on.
Hello? What? What? Slow down.
OK.
OK, thank you.
It's Kira.
She OD'd.
Hey, Don.
What are you doing? I like little fudgie rolls.
Well, you have money.
Why don't you just buy some little fudgie rolls? I like 'em from here.
You feeling better? Much better.
The voices Much better.
Well, good.
- Thank you, Lucy.
- You're a great photographer, Don.
You don't owe me anything.
Morning, Mr.
Fincher.
Could I get something hot to drink? Chamomile tea or something.
Thanks.
- Good morning, David.
- Morning.
- Hey, man.
- Morning, David.
Well, I'm sorry I'm late.
I don't know what you know.
I don't know what you wanna know.
But I've spent most of the morning on the phone with Kira's manager, who informs me that she's had a medical emergency and will not be joining our film.
This is the least of the new bad news.
Apparently, Mr.
Clooney can't see anybody else in the role and, although I don't know how this is going to shake out in the next 48 hours, we're all adults and I think we know how this tends to end up.
Have a bagel, and thank you for coming.
You can send him in.
Now, what can I do for you besides receiving your undying gratitude for the beautiful profile in my magazine? I'm not going to give you any more dirt, not about my friends or my enemies.
Kira's in the hospital because Kira's in the hospital because she's a drug addict.
The point is you people You're welcome for the profile, plus the other tidbits we've managed to place, which any publicist would sacrifice a left nut for.
Secondly, you're now a source.
I think we're gonna do wonderful things together, me, you, and Don here.
I like this office.
I'm not gonna help you anymore.
Oh, poor Julia.
No.
Don't don't even go there.
When she finds out about your betrayal.
Think about it, poor Julia.
I mean, I know how much she adores you.
She'll either understand or she won't.
I don't care.
I love her, and she loves me.
- Well, that's brave.
- Screw you.
Hey, Holt.
I think you need to see something.
What? You know what we love here at Dirt and Now? Homemade porn.
- So.
What's that got to do with me? - Have a seat.
Oh, Johnny.
I'm so wasted.
I love this feeling.
I can't focus my eyes, Johnny.
It's OK.
You're all right.
Let's take this off.
Not sure I wanna do this.
Sure you do.
Oh, you're so beautiful.
Oh, Johnny.
- You like that? - Ye I honestly would rather not leak this.
I'm an actor.
That's all I ever wanted to do.
No, you wanted to be famous.
There's a big difference.
You can give your dirt to Don whenever.
Make sure it comes in regularly.
Lucy? Have you ever actually loved anybody? Huh? Nah, you've got no one.
It's obvious.
You got nothing and no one.
- Don, you can go.
- Hmm? Go.
Hey! Paparazzi piece of shit! It's OK, Tristan.
It's It's OK.
It's OK.
It's OK.
Hey.
Don't fumble! Don't fumble! Daniel, come around here.
Hey, man.
You can't read? Private property.
What's that? It's business.
- Well, aren't I part of the business? - I said it's just business.
Hey.
Let's go inside.
Come on, let's go.
You know I can't smoke this.
Why? Because it makes me too horny.
You like that? Yes.
Hello? Oh, hey, Mr.
Fincher.
David, right.
Yeah.
Yeah? Really? No.
That's great news.
No.
No.
I haven't booked anything else.
What, are you kidding? Of course I do.
No, I can't believe Jennifer signed on to do the part.
OK.
- Yeah, I'll be there.
- That's great.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I heard about what happened to Kira.
Wait.
What? When? Yeah.
She was she was a really good person.
Right, at the memorial.
What happened? Kira's dead.
Oh, my God.
She had a brain bleed.
Oh, my God.
The movie's back on.
I still have the part.
Slow down the car.
What are you doing? Slow down.
Talk to me? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Holt, pull the car over.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Holt.
What the hell are you doing? Stop the car.
Stop it! Please stop the car! Stop it! Oh, my God! Stop it! Holt! Stop it, Holt! Oh, my god! Hey, come on.
Come here.
Come on.
We got to get you out of here.
Come on.
Come on! Come on Julia, talk to me.
Hang in there.
- Don? - He's dead, Lucy.
We killed him.
No, Don, no.
No, Holt is OK.
It's Kira.
Tristan.
Tristan is dead.
Who's Tristan? Tristan, my cat.
Oh, the cat.
Jesus, Don.
My best friend, and we killed him.
We? What are you talking about? All the stuff we did, the bad things.
No, Don, no.
Tristan had cancer, remember? We didn't kill him.
- We did.
- No, Don.
We did.
No, Don.
No, we didn't kill him.
I love you, Donny.