Dollface (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Guy's Girl
1 [UPBEAT JAZZ PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION, LAUGHTER.]
- Cheers.
- Cheers, you guys.
How are the huevos rancheros? - They're pretty good.
- Can I have a bite? I don't love you anymore.
RADIO COMMENTATOR: I mean, the Dodgers have got to bring somebody up to fill that position at this point.
COMMENTATOR 2: Well, I think E.
B.
's a perfect candidate.
- I mean, after you - COMMENTATOR 1: That's right.
- COMMENTATOR 2: He bumped it up.
- COMMENTATOR 1: .
348.
You know, he's also I really am sorry, Jules.
What about all the plans we have coming up? Lake Tahoe in December? Well I mean, it's my company's retreat, right? So Ramona's wedding this spring? You mean Ramona, my sister? Let me guess, you're keeping Johnny Drama.
[DOG SNORTS, PANTS.]
You can have Turtle.
Great.
Great, Jeremy.
Now I have a cat named Turtle for no reason.
Should I be aware of anything else in my life that completely revolves around you? - That's my sweatshirt, but I don't need it now.
- Forget it.
- You don't have to do that.
- Oh, I'd love to do that.
I got it! - You don't have to fold it - I clean when I'm upset.
'cause it's a sweatshirt, so [SCOFFS.]
Just Five years.
We've been through a lot together.
Exactly.
Now imagine doing what we just did like 10 more times and then dying.
Okay, that's what marriage is.
I just, I would never want to put you through something like that, dollface.
So, I'll crash with my sister while you move your stuff out.
You're gonna be okay.
All right? You're so much stronger than everybody thinks you are.
We've hung out together like every day for half a decade.
I don't really know what to do now.
I think what you do now is go back.
JULES: What? Go back where? Back to hanging out with other women.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
DRIVER: Come on, lady, I don't have all day.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Excuse me, can you tell me where this bus is What? You never seen an old cat lady before? [UPBEAT THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[SOBBING.]
We just bought a kayak.
Um, I think I'd like to get off.
No can do, sweetheart.
If you're here, it means you spent so much time on the other side, you need some help getting back.
Back to spending time with other women? That's that's really what this is? Take it from me, ma'am.
Relationships with other women are sacred and necessary.
In today's world, the bonds of sisterhood are all you have to turn to.
"Bonds of sisterhood"? Well, you can always try being a guy's girl.
Shall we shag and have beer? - I totally love video games.
- I love beer.
- TWINS: I'm not like other girls.
- I totally love video games.
- I'm totally in love with video games.
- Shall we shag and have beer? Anyone want to get wings? Anyone? That's it, I can't do this anymore.
Stop the bus! [BRAKES SCREECH, HYDRAULICS HISS.]
[WOMAN SIGHS.]
I live with my mom, want to get married? Another one bites the dust.
Don't look so worried.
Just remember, women need each other now more than ever.
Turn your back on them and you end up alone.
You can guess what happens then.
ANNOUNCER: This terminal is for women returning from relationships only.
Please reconnect with your girlfriends and proceed to emotional baggage claim.
[LIVELY CHATTERING.]
This terminal's for women returning from relationships only.
Please reconnect with your girlfriends and proceed to emotional baggage claim.
- [KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
- [MUZAK PLAYING.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, there seems to be a hold on your account as a woman.
I just need to ask you a few routine questions.
Have you recently slept with a close friend's boyfriend? - No.
- Have you recently made comments about a female politician's inability to lead - due to her menstrual cycle? - No.
Um there has to be some kind of mistake.
I mean, I support women.
I love women.
I did a breast cancer walk last year.
It says here that was organized by your ex-boyfriend's mother.
- Okay.
- Ah, here it is.
Your personal relationships have all expired.
Personal relation Are you saying I don't have any Friends.
You have no friends.
I have friends.
I have tons of friends.
It's probably just taking a second to load.
Don't touch my property.
You had friends, but you neglected them, so they all expired.
Friends can't expire.
Friends aren't milk.
I'm sorry, but you're wrong.
And you know what? I am getting out of here to see my best friend right now.
You wouldn't happen to have a recent address for Madison Maxwell, would you? - Please leave.
- Cool.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[STELLA SIGHS.]
Oh, my God.
Jeremy broke up with you.
What? That's crazy.
I'm here to see you.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Jeremy broke up with me.
I could have been coming back for something else, you don't know.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't know? I was your freshman roommate, your best friend, and the only person you told about being sexually attracted to that male cartoon character from Kim Possible.
I said Ron Stoppable's smile was well drawn, and I said that in confidence.
I don't have time for this.
I'm doing PR for a client at a women's summit about the importance of inner beauty, and I obviously can't go if I have nothing cute to wear.
- Are you picking up my - I clean when I'm upset.
I have to be at the summit in an hour and now I have an emotionally induced migraine that necessitates a cup of coffee.
JULES: Okay, I understand.
Just out of curiosity and totally unrelated, where are you going to get coffee? [ESPRESSO WAND WHOOSHES.]
Thanks.
I don't know what you expect me to say.
The last time we spoke was you replying to a spam email that got sent from my account.
Okay, I legitimately thought you were recommending laser hair removal.
You're supposed to be the one to tell me that I'm better off now and that I should be going out instead of wallowing at home.
Are you kidding? I tried for years to get you to go out more.
You acted like Stella and I were trying to indoctrinate you into a cult.
I mean, you did wear matching clothes and there was all that weird chanting.
It was a sorority.
So, is Stella still dating that Croatian pirate? Not everyone who violates maritime law is a pirate, Jules.
But no, she isn't.
Which is the kind of thing you'd know if you hadn't been avoiding us for the last five years.
I was never avoiding you, I just got a little preoccupied.
You were like this before Jeremy.
Your excuses just used to be worse.
You tried to get out of a St.
Patrick's Day party once because you had to "redry your laundry.
" Oh, you've never gotten a clump of wet T-shirts caught in the fitted sheets? It's not that I didn't want to spend time with you, I just I just don't know how to act in a big group of girls.
[SIGHS.]
Look at those girls, Jules.
Surrounding yourself with women is important.
I know it is.
I just find the whole clique thing intimidating.
How do you know they're a clique? You don't even know them.
Hi.
Sorry to bother you.
We were just wondering how you guys know each other.
Oh, this is my fucking squad.
I would literally die for these girls.
Right, but at a certain point, aren't we influenced by what we see on Instagram and really the whole "squad" thing is just another way for society to group together women of similar levels of attractiveness? We're the Second Squadron, 23rd Cavalry Regiment of the United States Army.
Meghan took two bullets in the shoulder for me in Baghdad, and I watched Commando Carol die in my arms.
Carol.
It was all my fault.
[SQUADRON MURMURING SADLY.]
Two bullets, Jules.
I'm so I was wrong about them.
I was wrong about a lot of things.
I want us to be friends again.
Why? Because you actually miss me or because you're just lonely? I can't sign up to be the halftime show while you wait for Jeremy to come put the Super Bowl back on.
No, I promise it won't be like that.
And the halftime show is objectively the best part.
Everybody knows that.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Beat, the beat We've got the beat Beat, the beat We've got the beat Beat, the beat We've got the beat Beat, the beat We've got the beat, yeah Ohhh, hey! [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
Jules, come on in.
JULES: Hey, Stella.
Is this a bad time? No, no, this works.
What's up? Okay, because, you know, when you texted I could come over, I just assumed that you meant to your house.
Oh, the place I'm house-sitting right now is all the way in Pasadena, so I just figured it'd be easier for you to meet me here.
Sorry, I don't really watch a lot of Is this, uh porn? No, no.
I made sure this time.
Lemon is an artist friend of mine, so I just help out whenever she has a new project.
We're reverse-engineering the concept of objectifying women as part of the home construct.
Of course, yeah, well, that makes perfect sense now that you've told me.
Your bone structure is poetic.
- Thank you.
- Lemon, can we take five? So it's been a minute, babe.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry it's so out of the blue.
I just I went to see Madison earlier, and she's really upset with me, so I was hoping I could get your advice.
Okay.
I mean, I'm just a little surprised.
In college, I always got the impression that I made you feel uncomfortable.
- [SING-SONGY.]
: Tzatziki! - Oh, God.
Um, no It's just more like, you and Madison are kind of like Batman and Robin, okay? And I was more like Alfred, who was also one of Batman's closest confidants, who just prefers the comfort and safety of the Manor.
So it's just a slightly less natural scenario for Robin and Alfred to be hanging out alone.
Do you get what I'm saying? I've always liked you, Jules.
I've never seen us as hero and villain.
They're a sidekick and a butler.
Never mind.
My point is, you know Madison as well as I do, and I thought if anyone, you would know how to get through to her.
- Chaos.
- Is that a friend of Lemon's? The only way to ignite change in a situation is through the introduction of chaos.
I mean, that's why I do a full-body henna tattoo any time I have jury duty.
Yeah, right.
What? Okay, new example.
Uh, if you were allergic to peanuts, what would you do? I would buy an EpiPen and stay away from peanuts - and their related products.
- Wrong.
I really don't think that's wrong.
What's the absolute most uncomfortable situation you can imagine putting yourself in? Um I mean Madison kind of called me out for avoiding going to parties with you guys.
Okay, that's perfect.
You need to go to a party and take Madison.
That'll get through to her.
And me.
Because I like parties.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, it's not like I have a huge pile of invitations.
I mean, the girls in my office always have something going on, but they're kind of unapproachable.
I'm telling you, girl, you need to take a bomb to your comfort zone and just blow that shit up.
It's the only way.
I have to go.
Lemon said the coffee table was into me and that looks like something I want to explore.
Okay.
Good luck with that.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
This is Woom, please hold.
This is Woom, a wellness and lifestyle brand for women.
ALISON B: So then I read the rest of Sonia Sotomayor's autobiography, went to Pilates, volunteered at a soup kitchen, and gave myself a facial.
Loved SoSo's book.
I messed around on my bass for a while, harvested some saffron from my spice garden, and then made a seasonal seafood paella.
[TABLE SCRAPING FLOOR.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Hey, Alison.
Alison B.
Other Alison B.
Hey, Jules.
What did you do? Over vacation? Oh, uh I binged like four seasons of Friday Night Lights.
Oh, no, we were talking about what we did this morning.
Oprah says the morning is crucial to set your intention for the day.
Oprah makes me want to kill myself.
You don't like Oprah? No, I meant it in the good way.
- Oh, yeah.
- Sit! I feel like we never catch up.
I know.
I feel like the last time I saw you was at the company Christmas party.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God, are you still dating that cute guy you brought? Oh, yeah, I remember him, you guys were completely adorable together.
We actually just broke up.
Oh, my God, honey, you were way too good for him, I could totally tell.
We didn't technically meet, but I always got a bad vibe from him.
Honestly, I think he was a psycho.
OTHER ALISON B: If he dumped you, he must be gay.
He's probably a gay psycho.
Oh, I don't know, just been trying to keep busy.
Speaking of which, I wanted to ask you guys about the launch party this weekend.
For the new crystal that goes in your anus? Yes! The Mkundu Stone.
Don't worry, we focus grouped the name and found our consumers are much more comfortable with that word.
Oh, good.
So, what does "Mkundu" mean? Oh, it still means anus, just in Swahili, so white people won't know.
Well, I was wondering if it isn't too much trouble, could I get me and my friends on the list for the event? [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, Mads, where do you keep your melon baller? I thought you were pouring us wine.
Having a little bit of a mixology moment.
Okay.
Please don't put things in my wine.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
[KNOCKING.]
Jesus Christ! Jules.
I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told those Girl Scouts.
You can't have a nervous breakdown in front of my door.
Stella told me you guys were here.
They're ready.
Almost.
Remember that spring break when my bathing suit broke on the beach and we rushed to that weird gift shop and found this shirt and then you got one too so I wouldn't have to wear it alone? Remember? "You Aruba me the right way"? What's your point? I got us on the list for this big launch party that Woom is throwing this weekend.
A party? You hate parties.
I know.
But you like them, so I thought we could all go.
Stell, didn't you say we had that thing this weekend? Yeah, that seance at Nia's house.
But after last time, you said, "No more birthday parties for ghosts.
" - I guess we don't already have plans.
- Great.
Ah, awesome.
I'll see you there.
B but FYI, I threw that shirt away like three years ago.
Wait.
I remember that trip.
Where was I when you got those? Th the lifeguard And the Jet Ski.
The blow job.
Junior year was fun.
Yeah.
Watch me sittin' pretty I could do this all day Countin' all my money sippin' a Chardonnay [SONG CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah - WOMAN: You look beautiful! Ask me what I'm doing when I'm cashing my checks I sleep with 24 MAN: All right, guys.
If you're gonna roll with me, you're gonna roll with the best - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah - She watched me go there.
Your complimentary Mkundu Stone.
Oh, thank you.
Well, now I have two if you count the one I'm wearing tonight.
Just kidding.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't have anything Okay.
Ooh, great, parties are fun.
Uh, Jules.
- STELLA: Hey.
Hey.
- Hi.
Hey.
Hey, Jules, can you hold my stuff? This seems like the kind of night I'm gonna need both hands for.
Wow, um, I can't believe you guys came.
Well, I can't believe you're willingly attending a party.
On purpose.
Intentionally.
Okay, guys, I realize you're both dealing with a lot of emotional baggage, but this is gonna be more fun for me if we're all drunk.
- Shots.
Hi.
- Oh.
Oh, my God, you know what we haven't done in forever? A round of "here's to.
" Jules, go.
Um Here's to trying not to look at your ex's Instagram every second.
Second.
Here's to second chances for old friends, I hope.
Hope.
Here's to hoping these haven't been inside of anyone.
- [COUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
- Eww! [GASPS.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Oh, my God! Oh! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
This is crazy.
I didn't realize you all knew each other.
- What do you mean? - We just met.
Oh.
Well, uh the event looks great, guys.
Right? I'm obsessed with the planner we hired for this decor.
I want her to do my wedding when Antoni from Queer Eye finally realizes he needs to be straight for me.
Oh! Well, Madison's mom is a wedding planner.
She's actually taking a break from work right now.
- Wait, really? What happened? - It's not a big deal.
["CAME HERE FOR LOVE" BY SIGALA AND ELLA EYRE PLAYING.]
It is a documented crime to be a woman and not dance when this song comes on.
We have to go.
I can see that you're watching me Come over, talk to me Need you to give me a sign You got that something sweet That don't come easily It's what I need tonight I came here for love For someone to hold me down I won't give it up, no I want you to reach out I came here for love I came here for love I came here for love I want you to reach out I came here for love I came here for love I want you to reach out Guys, we have to go to the after-party.
It's at Hammer & Niall, the new bar co-owned by Armie Hammer and Niall from One Direction.
So let's go.
- I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
- Of course.
What are you doing? We have to go with Stella.
Oh, I don't have to pee.
What does needing to pee have to do with going to the bathroom? Is this a riddle? Girls are supposed to go to the bathroom together.
Well, yeah, but isn't that rule kind of stupid? You're right, Jules.
No, it's stupid.
And cliques are stupid and loyalty is stupid and being there for your friends is stupid.
Thank God you're too good for all that.
Madison, I mean, come on, this What do you think this whole night was about? This is for you.
Just forget it.
Madison, wait.
- Jules, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, my God.
Um, this really isn't a good time, Alison.
My name isn't Alison.
It's Isadora Grossman-Levine.
I used to go by "Izzy" until I started at Woom and both the girls in my department were already best friends and they were both named Alison, so I lied and I said my name was Alison, too, just so they'd like me.
And then you started at Woom, but you never really talked to us, so I had no one to tell my secret to, and now basically my entire adult life is built on a lie! Ooh.
Um, you know, that is, uh, a lot to unpack, and I would love to get into this on Monday, but I have to find my friends.
Okay.
Keeping secrets makes us close.
[DANCE MUSIC THUMPING.]
Excuse me.
Hey.
Um Excuse me, if you could just Is there any way that I could just [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
- [JULES GRUNTS.]
- [GUYS GRUMBLING.]
- Hey.
- She's not in the bathroom.
Really? - Hey.
- Whoa! If you guys are looking for your friend Stella, I think I saw her get into a van with a weird older guy.
Wait, a weird guy with a van? Yes, but she seemed totally fine.
I mean, she wasn't wearing shoes, but Excuse us.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
BOTH: Stella! You see what happens when we don't go to the bathroom together? [PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, God.
I have her phone and her wallet.
That's fucking great.
Well, now I have to go find her.
Congratulations, Jules, you get to go home early.
No, I'll help you find her.
I want to help.
Okay, well call a Lyft.
I'm gonna see if the bartender knows who she left with.
Okay.
I clean when I'm upset, all right? Don't worry about it.
Jules Hey Jeremy.
What are you doing? Oh, you know, just a girls' night.
I hate to be a nitpicker, but you're alone.
No.
Uh, Madison's inside.
We lost Stella.
JEREMY: Madison Maxwell and Stella Cole? I didn't know you were still friends with those girls.
Neither did they, apparently.
Well, look, the guys and I were just about to call it a night.
You're sifting through trash.
Why don't you let me take you home? MADISON: What, seriously? Five seconds into a problem, you go running to him.
No, he he just walked right up.
All right, Madison, stand down, all right? We're just having a conversation between us.
Us? As in you and Jules? 'Cause I'm pretty sure you lost the use of that word when you dumped her out of nowhere.
Okay, wow, uh, do you hear how she talks to me? Look, I'm sorry.
I should be congratulating you on the successful Internet company you founded.
I didn't found a company.
Really? 'Cause that seemed like the only logical explanation as to why a grown man would be out at night wearing a fucking hoodie.
All right, I think we can both agree she's being a little bit dramatic.
Can we just go, please, dollface? Uh, don't.
What? Don't call me dollface.
I actually hate when you call me that.
And for your information, Madison's not being dramatic, okay? She's upset because, even though she's always had my back, I have been a shitty friend.
I've been a garbage person who was so caught up in my relationship that I abandoned her and an entire gender of friendships, so she's not dramatic, she's right.
And if I'm leaving right now, it'll be with her.
That was my Lyft.
Okay, uh, well, we have to give this guy a destination, so where did you find Stella the last time she disappeared? Uh, the American Consulate.
Okay, w we're in America, so I'm not totally sure that's an option.
They took a left on Cahuenga, so just keep heading east and look out for a white van.
So So, what was that thing with your mom earlier? She was really sick for a while.
I, uh actually tried calling you when it happened last year.
Even after all that time I needed you to be there.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, my God.
[GASPS.]
Wait, Stella, where the hell are you? STELLA: I'm at Jimmy's Buffet, but there's no food.
Where is Jimmy? I want Chicken Fingers in Paradise.
- Who is Who are you - Wait, hello? - Hello? - Oh, my Well, does she know a Jimmy? Oh, okay, fuck, think.
Um, uh, Paradise, Jimmy's Buffet.
Jimmy's Buffet, um Jimmy's [GASPS.]
- Wait! - What? I know where she is! [CARIBBEAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[JULES SCREAMS.]
Okay.
You should probably go with a pro-growth portfolio.
At your age, you're gonna want to be maxing out your Roth IRA contributions every year.
That way, you're planning for retirement.
Here's the thing about retirement, Dave.
We're living our life in the wrong order.
You know, we should work when we're old and have nothing to do.
This is the time to get weird in a group living facility in Florida.
And do you know how much fun nursing homes would be - if everyone was hot? - Oh, there she is.
Stella! Oh, these are my friends.
They know what I'm talking about.
Okay, group vote on quitting our jobs and moving to Florida? Yes.
Stella, you don't have a job to quit, and we've talked about not pitching "hot nursing home" anymore.
Sorry, can we just borrow her for a minute? One sec.
Okay, what was with the creepy white van? And why are you at Margaritaville with Uncle Joey? STELLA: I met him in line for the bathroom.
And he's one of my top five favorite TV uncles.
Hey, what was I gonna do, not hear his financial advice over Margas and chicken fingers? That'd be crazy.
- You have other favorite TV uncles? - We have different definitions of crazy.
Ow, my feet are hurting.
If I stay at your house, will you take off my makeup with that little, um, scrubby thing? Yes.
You got so much glitter in my bed last time.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Hey, if you girls need a ride, I've got room for seven.
[STAMMERS.]
Do you need a ride? Um, I mean, I'm kind of in the opposite - It's probably just easier - It's fine, I'll just get a Lyft.
Hope you guys like Earth, Wind & Fire.
[CAT MEOWS.]
["WANT YOU BACK" BY HAIM PLAYING.]
Some things are long forgotten Some things were never said We were on one endless road But I had a wandering heart I said we were opposite lovers Said it from the beginning You kept trying to prove me wrong Said you'd always see it through And I know that I ran you down So you ran away with your heart But just know that I want you back Just know that I want you back Just know that I want you I'll take the fall and the fault in us I'll give you all the love I never gave before I left you Just know that I want you back Just know that I want you back Just know that I want you I'll take the fall and the fault in us I'll give you all the love I never gave before I left you I know it's hard to hear it And it may never be enough But don't take it out on me now 'Cause I blame it all on myself And I had a fear of forgiveness I was too proud to say I was wrong But all that time is gone No more fearing control I'm ready for the both of us now So just know that I want you back Just know that I want you back Just know that I want you I'll take the fall and the fault in us, I'll give you all the love
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION, LAUGHTER.]
- Cheers.
- Cheers, you guys.
How are the huevos rancheros? - They're pretty good.
- Can I have a bite? I don't love you anymore.
RADIO COMMENTATOR: I mean, the Dodgers have got to bring somebody up to fill that position at this point.
COMMENTATOR 2: Well, I think E.
B.
's a perfect candidate.
- I mean, after you - COMMENTATOR 1: That's right.
- COMMENTATOR 2: He bumped it up.
- COMMENTATOR 1: .
348.
You know, he's also I really am sorry, Jules.
What about all the plans we have coming up? Lake Tahoe in December? Well I mean, it's my company's retreat, right? So Ramona's wedding this spring? You mean Ramona, my sister? Let me guess, you're keeping Johnny Drama.
[DOG SNORTS, PANTS.]
You can have Turtle.
Great.
Great, Jeremy.
Now I have a cat named Turtle for no reason.
Should I be aware of anything else in my life that completely revolves around you? - That's my sweatshirt, but I don't need it now.
- Forget it.
- You don't have to do that.
- Oh, I'd love to do that.
I got it! - You don't have to fold it - I clean when I'm upset.
'cause it's a sweatshirt, so [SCOFFS.]
Just Five years.
We've been through a lot together.
Exactly.
Now imagine doing what we just did like 10 more times and then dying.
Okay, that's what marriage is.
I just, I would never want to put you through something like that, dollface.
So, I'll crash with my sister while you move your stuff out.
You're gonna be okay.
All right? You're so much stronger than everybody thinks you are.
We've hung out together like every day for half a decade.
I don't really know what to do now.
I think what you do now is go back.
JULES: What? Go back where? Back to hanging out with other women.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
DRIVER: Come on, lady, I don't have all day.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Excuse me, can you tell me where this bus is What? You never seen an old cat lady before? [UPBEAT THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[SOBBING.]
We just bought a kayak.
Um, I think I'd like to get off.
No can do, sweetheart.
If you're here, it means you spent so much time on the other side, you need some help getting back.
Back to spending time with other women? That's that's really what this is? Take it from me, ma'am.
Relationships with other women are sacred and necessary.
In today's world, the bonds of sisterhood are all you have to turn to.
"Bonds of sisterhood"? Well, you can always try being a guy's girl.
Shall we shag and have beer? - I totally love video games.
- I love beer.
- TWINS: I'm not like other girls.
- I totally love video games.
- I'm totally in love with video games.
- Shall we shag and have beer? Anyone want to get wings? Anyone? That's it, I can't do this anymore.
Stop the bus! [BRAKES SCREECH, HYDRAULICS HISS.]
[WOMAN SIGHS.]
I live with my mom, want to get married? Another one bites the dust.
Don't look so worried.
Just remember, women need each other now more than ever.
Turn your back on them and you end up alone.
You can guess what happens then.
ANNOUNCER: This terminal is for women returning from relationships only.
Please reconnect with your girlfriends and proceed to emotional baggage claim.
[LIVELY CHATTERING.]
This terminal's for women returning from relationships only.
Please reconnect with your girlfriends and proceed to emotional baggage claim.
- [KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
- [MUZAK PLAYING.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, there seems to be a hold on your account as a woman.
I just need to ask you a few routine questions.
Have you recently slept with a close friend's boyfriend? - No.
- Have you recently made comments about a female politician's inability to lead - due to her menstrual cycle? - No.
Um there has to be some kind of mistake.
I mean, I support women.
I love women.
I did a breast cancer walk last year.
It says here that was organized by your ex-boyfriend's mother.
- Okay.
- Ah, here it is.
Your personal relationships have all expired.
Personal relation Are you saying I don't have any Friends.
You have no friends.
I have friends.
I have tons of friends.
It's probably just taking a second to load.
Don't touch my property.
You had friends, but you neglected them, so they all expired.
Friends can't expire.
Friends aren't milk.
I'm sorry, but you're wrong.
And you know what? I am getting out of here to see my best friend right now.
You wouldn't happen to have a recent address for Madison Maxwell, would you? - Please leave.
- Cool.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[STELLA SIGHS.]
Oh, my God.
Jeremy broke up with you.
What? That's crazy.
I'm here to see you.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Jeremy broke up with me.
I could have been coming back for something else, you don't know.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't know? I was your freshman roommate, your best friend, and the only person you told about being sexually attracted to that male cartoon character from Kim Possible.
I said Ron Stoppable's smile was well drawn, and I said that in confidence.
I don't have time for this.
I'm doing PR for a client at a women's summit about the importance of inner beauty, and I obviously can't go if I have nothing cute to wear.
- Are you picking up my - I clean when I'm upset.
I have to be at the summit in an hour and now I have an emotionally induced migraine that necessitates a cup of coffee.
JULES: Okay, I understand.
Just out of curiosity and totally unrelated, where are you going to get coffee? [ESPRESSO WAND WHOOSHES.]
Thanks.
I don't know what you expect me to say.
The last time we spoke was you replying to a spam email that got sent from my account.
Okay, I legitimately thought you were recommending laser hair removal.
You're supposed to be the one to tell me that I'm better off now and that I should be going out instead of wallowing at home.
Are you kidding? I tried for years to get you to go out more.
You acted like Stella and I were trying to indoctrinate you into a cult.
I mean, you did wear matching clothes and there was all that weird chanting.
It was a sorority.
So, is Stella still dating that Croatian pirate? Not everyone who violates maritime law is a pirate, Jules.
But no, she isn't.
Which is the kind of thing you'd know if you hadn't been avoiding us for the last five years.
I was never avoiding you, I just got a little preoccupied.
You were like this before Jeremy.
Your excuses just used to be worse.
You tried to get out of a St.
Patrick's Day party once because you had to "redry your laundry.
" Oh, you've never gotten a clump of wet T-shirts caught in the fitted sheets? It's not that I didn't want to spend time with you, I just I just don't know how to act in a big group of girls.
[SIGHS.]
Look at those girls, Jules.
Surrounding yourself with women is important.
I know it is.
I just find the whole clique thing intimidating.
How do you know they're a clique? You don't even know them.
Hi.
Sorry to bother you.
We were just wondering how you guys know each other.
Oh, this is my fucking squad.
I would literally die for these girls.
Right, but at a certain point, aren't we influenced by what we see on Instagram and really the whole "squad" thing is just another way for society to group together women of similar levels of attractiveness? We're the Second Squadron, 23rd Cavalry Regiment of the United States Army.
Meghan took two bullets in the shoulder for me in Baghdad, and I watched Commando Carol die in my arms.
Carol.
It was all my fault.
[SQUADRON MURMURING SADLY.]
Two bullets, Jules.
I'm so I was wrong about them.
I was wrong about a lot of things.
I want us to be friends again.
Why? Because you actually miss me or because you're just lonely? I can't sign up to be the halftime show while you wait for Jeremy to come put the Super Bowl back on.
No, I promise it won't be like that.
And the halftime show is objectively the best part.
Everybody knows that.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Beat, the beat We've got the beat Beat, the beat We've got the beat Beat, the beat We've got the beat Beat, the beat We've got the beat, yeah Ohhh, hey! [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
Jules, come on in.
JULES: Hey, Stella.
Is this a bad time? No, no, this works.
What's up? Okay, because, you know, when you texted I could come over, I just assumed that you meant to your house.
Oh, the place I'm house-sitting right now is all the way in Pasadena, so I just figured it'd be easier for you to meet me here.
Sorry, I don't really watch a lot of Is this, uh porn? No, no.
I made sure this time.
Lemon is an artist friend of mine, so I just help out whenever she has a new project.
We're reverse-engineering the concept of objectifying women as part of the home construct.
Of course, yeah, well, that makes perfect sense now that you've told me.
Your bone structure is poetic.
- Thank you.
- Lemon, can we take five? So it's been a minute, babe.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry it's so out of the blue.
I just I went to see Madison earlier, and she's really upset with me, so I was hoping I could get your advice.
Okay.
I mean, I'm just a little surprised.
In college, I always got the impression that I made you feel uncomfortable.
- [SING-SONGY.]
: Tzatziki! - Oh, God.
Um, no It's just more like, you and Madison are kind of like Batman and Robin, okay? And I was more like Alfred, who was also one of Batman's closest confidants, who just prefers the comfort and safety of the Manor.
So it's just a slightly less natural scenario for Robin and Alfred to be hanging out alone.
Do you get what I'm saying? I've always liked you, Jules.
I've never seen us as hero and villain.
They're a sidekick and a butler.
Never mind.
My point is, you know Madison as well as I do, and I thought if anyone, you would know how to get through to her.
- Chaos.
- Is that a friend of Lemon's? The only way to ignite change in a situation is through the introduction of chaos.
I mean, that's why I do a full-body henna tattoo any time I have jury duty.
Yeah, right.
What? Okay, new example.
Uh, if you were allergic to peanuts, what would you do? I would buy an EpiPen and stay away from peanuts - and their related products.
- Wrong.
I really don't think that's wrong.
What's the absolute most uncomfortable situation you can imagine putting yourself in? Um I mean Madison kind of called me out for avoiding going to parties with you guys.
Okay, that's perfect.
You need to go to a party and take Madison.
That'll get through to her.
And me.
Because I like parties.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, it's not like I have a huge pile of invitations.
I mean, the girls in my office always have something going on, but they're kind of unapproachable.
I'm telling you, girl, you need to take a bomb to your comfort zone and just blow that shit up.
It's the only way.
I have to go.
Lemon said the coffee table was into me and that looks like something I want to explore.
Okay.
Good luck with that.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
This is Woom, please hold.
This is Woom, a wellness and lifestyle brand for women.
ALISON B: So then I read the rest of Sonia Sotomayor's autobiography, went to Pilates, volunteered at a soup kitchen, and gave myself a facial.
Loved SoSo's book.
I messed around on my bass for a while, harvested some saffron from my spice garden, and then made a seasonal seafood paella.
[TABLE SCRAPING FLOOR.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Hey, Alison.
Alison B.
Other Alison B.
Hey, Jules.
What did you do? Over vacation? Oh, uh I binged like four seasons of Friday Night Lights.
Oh, no, we were talking about what we did this morning.
Oprah says the morning is crucial to set your intention for the day.
Oprah makes me want to kill myself.
You don't like Oprah? No, I meant it in the good way.
- Oh, yeah.
- Sit! I feel like we never catch up.
I know.
I feel like the last time I saw you was at the company Christmas party.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God, are you still dating that cute guy you brought? Oh, yeah, I remember him, you guys were completely adorable together.
We actually just broke up.
Oh, my God, honey, you were way too good for him, I could totally tell.
We didn't technically meet, but I always got a bad vibe from him.
Honestly, I think he was a psycho.
OTHER ALISON B: If he dumped you, he must be gay.
He's probably a gay psycho.
Oh, I don't know, just been trying to keep busy.
Speaking of which, I wanted to ask you guys about the launch party this weekend.
For the new crystal that goes in your anus? Yes! The Mkundu Stone.
Don't worry, we focus grouped the name and found our consumers are much more comfortable with that word.
Oh, good.
So, what does "Mkundu" mean? Oh, it still means anus, just in Swahili, so white people won't know.
Well, I was wondering if it isn't too much trouble, could I get me and my friends on the list for the event? [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, Mads, where do you keep your melon baller? I thought you were pouring us wine.
Having a little bit of a mixology moment.
Okay.
Please don't put things in my wine.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
[KNOCKING.]
Jesus Christ! Jules.
I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told those Girl Scouts.
You can't have a nervous breakdown in front of my door.
Stella told me you guys were here.
They're ready.
Almost.
Remember that spring break when my bathing suit broke on the beach and we rushed to that weird gift shop and found this shirt and then you got one too so I wouldn't have to wear it alone? Remember? "You Aruba me the right way"? What's your point? I got us on the list for this big launch party that Woom is throwing this weekend.
A party? You hate parties.
I know.
But you like them, so I thought we could all go.
Stell, didn't you say we had that thing this weekend? Yeah, that seance at Nia's house.
But after last time, you said, "No more birthday parties for ghosts.
" - I guess we don't already have plans.
- Great.
Ah, awesome.
I'll see you there.
B but FYI, I threw that shirt away like three years ago.
Wait.
I remember that trip.
Where was I when you got those? Th the lifeguard And the Jet Ski.
The blow job.
Junior year was fun.
Yeah.
Watch me sittin' pretty I could do this all day Countin' all my money sippin' a Chardonnay [SONG CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah - WOMAN: You look beautiful! Ask me what I'm doing when I'm cashing my checks I sleep with 24 MAN: All right, guys.
If you're gonna roll with me, you're gonna roll with the best - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah - She watched me go there.
Your complimentary Mkundu Stone.
Oh, thank you.
Well, now I have two if you count the one I'm wearing tonight.
Just kidding.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't have anything Okay.
Ooh, great, parties are fun.
Uh, Jules.
- STELLA: Hey.
Hey.
- Hi.
Hey.
Hey, Jules, can you hold my stuff? This seems like the kind of night I'm gonna need both hands for.
Wow, um, I can't believe you guys came.
Well, I can't believe you're willingly attending a party.
On purpose.
Intentionally.
Okay, guys, I realize you're both dealing with a lot of emotional baggage, but this is gonna be more fun for me if we're all drunk.
- Shots.
Hi.
- Oh.
Oh, my God, you know what we haven't done in forever? A round of "here's to.
" Jules, go.
Um Here's to trying not to look at your ex's Instagram every second.
Second.
Here's to second chances for old friends, I hope.
Hope.
Here's to hoping these haven't been inside of anyone.
- [COUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
- Eww! [GASPS.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Oh, my God! Oh! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
This is crazy.
I didn't realize you all knew each other.
- What do you mean? - We just met.
Oh.
Well, uh the event looks great, guys.
Right? I'm obsessed with the planner we hired for this decor.
I want her to do my wedding when Antoni from Queer Eye finally realizes he needs to be straight for me.
Oh! Well, Madison's mom is a wedding planner.
She's actually taking a break from work right now.
- Wait, really? What happened? - It's not a big deal.
["CAME HERE FOR LOVE" BY SIGALA AND ELLA EYRE PLAYING.]
It is a documented crime to be a woman and not dance when this song comes on.
We have to go.
I can see that you're watching me Come over, talk to me Need you to give me a sign You got that something sweet That don't come easily It's what I need tonight I came here for love For someone to hold me down I won't give it up, no I want you to reach out I came here for love I came here for love I came here for love I want you to reach out I came here for love I came here for love I want you to reach out Guys, we have to go to the after-party.
It's at Hammer & Niall, the new bar co-owned by Armie Hammer and Niall from One Direction.
So let's go.
- I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
- Of course.
What are you doing? We have to go with Stella.
Oh, I don't have to pee.
What does needing to pee have to do with going to the bathroom? Is this a riddle? Girls are supposed to go to the bathroom together.
Well, yeah, but isn't that rule kind of stupid? You're right, Jules.
No, it's stupid.
And cliques are stupid and loyalty is stupid and being there for your friends is stupid.
Thank God you're too good for all that.
Madison, I mean, come on, this What do you think this whole night was about? This is for you.
Just forget it.
Madison, wait.
- Jules, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, my God.
Um, this really isn't a good time, Alison.
My name isn't Alison.
It's Isadora Grossman-Levine.
I used to go by "Izzy" until I started at Woom and both the girls in my department were already best friends and they were both named Alison, so I lied and I said my name was Alison, too, just so they'd like me.
And then you started at Woom, but you never really talked to us, so I had no one to tell my secret to, and now basically my entire adult life is built on a lie! Ooh.
Um, you know, that is, uh, a lot to unpack, and I would love to get into this on Monday, but I have to find my friends.
Okay.
Keeping secrets makes us close.
[DANCE MUSIC THUMPING.]
Excuse me.
Hey.
Um Excuse me, if you could just Is there any way that I could just [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
- [JULES GRUNTS.]
- [GUYS GRUMBLING.]
- Hey.
- She's not in the bathroom.
Really? - Hey.
- Whoa! If you guys are looking for your friend Stella, I think I saw her get into a van with a weird older guy.
Wait, a weird guy with a van? Yes, but she seemed totally fine.
I mean, she wasn't wearing shoes, but Excuse us.
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
BOTH: Stella! You see what happens when we don't go to the bathroom together? [PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, God.
I have her phone and her wallet.
That's fucking great.
Well, now I have to go find her.
Congratulations, Jules, you get to go home early.
No, I'll help you find her.
I want to help.
Okay, well call a Lyft.
I'm gonna see if the bartender knows who she left with.
Okay.
I clean when I'm upset, all right? Don't worry about it.
Jules Hey Jeremy.
What are you doing? Oh, you know, just a girls' night.
I hate to be a nitpicker, but you're alone.
No.
Uh, Madison's inside.
We lost Stella.
JEREMY: Madison Maxwell and Stella Cole? I didn't know you were still friends with those girls.
Neither did they, apparently.
Well, look, the guys and I were just about to call it a night.
You're sifting through trash.
Why don't you let me take you home? MADISON: What, seriously? Five seconds into a problem, you go running to him.
No, he he just walked right up.
All right, Madison, stand down, all right? We're just having a conversation between us.
Us? As in you and Jules? 'Cause I'm pretty sure you lost the use of that word when you dumped her out of nowhere.
Okay, wow, uh, do you hear how she talks to me? Look, I'm sorry.
I should be congratulating you on the successful Internet company you founded.
I didn't found a company.
Really? 'Cause that seemed like the only logical explanation as to why a grown man would be out at night wearing a fucking hoodie.
All right, I think we can both agree she's being a little bit dramatic.
Can we just go, please, dollface? Uh, don't.
What? Don't call me dollface.
I actually hate when you call me that.
And for your information, Madison's not being dramatic, okay? She's upset because, even though she's always had my back, I have been a shitty friend.
I've been a garbage person who was so caught up in my relationship that I abandoned her and an entire gender of friendships, so she's not dramatic, she's right.
And if I'm leaving right now, it'll be with her.
That was my Lyft.
Okay, uh, well, we have to give this guy a destination, so where did you find Stella the last time she disappeared? Uh, the American Consulate.
Okay, w we're in America, so I'm not totally sure that's an option.
They took a left on Cahuenga, so just keep heading east and look out for a white van.
So So, what was that thing with your mom earlier? She was really sick for a while.
I, uh actually tried calling you when it happened last year.
Even after all that time I needed you to be there.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, my God.
[GASPS.]
Wait, Stella, where the hell are you? STELLA: I'm at Jimmy's Buffet, but there's no food.
Where is Jimmy? I want Chicken Fingers in Paradise.
- Who is Who are you - Wait, hello? - Hello? - Oh, my Well, does she know a Jimmy? Oh, okay, fuck, think.
Um, uh, Paradise, Jimmy's Buffet.
Jimmy's Buffet, um Jimmy's [GASPS.]
- Wait! - What? I know where she is! [CARIBBEAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[JULES SCREAMS.]
Okay.
You should probably go with a pro-growth portfolio.
At your age, you're gonna want to be maxing out your Roth IRA contributions every year.
That way, you're planning for retirement.
Here's the thing about retirement, Dave.
We're living our life in the wrong order.
You know, we should work when we're old and have nothing to do.
This is the time to get weird in a group living facility in Florida.
And do you know how much fun nursing homes would be - if everyone was hot? - Oh, there she is.
Stella! Oh, these are my friends.
They know what I'm talking about.
Okay, group vote on quitting our jobs and moving to Florida? Yes.
Stella, you don't have a job to quit, and we've talked about not pitching "hot nursing home" anymore.
Sorry, can we just borrow her for a minute? One sec.
Okay, what was with the creepy white van? And why are you at Margaritaville with Uncle Joey? STELLA: I met him in line for the bathroom.
And he's one of my top five favorite TV uncles.
Hey, what was I gonna do, not hear his financial advice over Margas and chicken fingers? That'd be crazy.
- You have other favorite TV uncles? - We have different definitions of crazy.
Ow, my feet are hurting.
If I stay at your house, will you take off my makeup with that little, um, scrubby thing? Yes.
You got so much glitter in my bed last time.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Hey, if you girls need a ride, I've got room for seven.
[STAMMERS.]
Do you need a ride? Um, I mean, I'm kind of in the opposite - It's probably just easier - It's fine, I'll just get a Lyft.
Hope you guys like Earth, Wind & Fire.
[CAT MEOWS.]
["WANT YOU BACK" BY HAIM PLAYING.]
Some things are long forgotten Some things were never said We were on one endless road But I had a wandering heart I said we were opposite lovers Said it from the beginning You kept trying to prove me wrong Said you'd always see it through And I know that I ran you down So you ran away with your heart But just know that I want you back Just know that I want you back Just know that I want you I'll take the fall and the fault in us I'll give you all the love I never gave before I left you Just know that I want you back Just know that I want you back Just know that I want you I'll take the fall and the fault in us I'll give you all the love I never gave before I left you I know it's hard to hear it And it may never be enough But don't take it out on me now 'Cause I blame it all on myself And I had a fear of forgiveness I was too proud to say I was wrong But all that time is gone No more fearing control I'm ready for the both of us now So just know that I want you back Just know that I want you back Just know that I want you I'll take the fall and the fault in us, I'll give you all the love