Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Hey! Can we get moving, please? Get out of the way! You're proceding at the proper speed deficit.
The examination is going nicely.
Making right turn at the next corner.
Excellent negotiation.
Today is his 16th birthday, getting his license would would just be the most perfect present.
Forgive me, but I prefer silence during the examination.
You being here is against police, don't exacerbate it by speaking.
I think you could chance it.
Let's turn around.
There's been an accident.
Just pull over here What are you doing? There's a car.
- Stop.
Just think.
Improper speed.
- Doogie, you're going too fast.
- Unacceptable excessive.
- Please, Doogie, slow down.
For God's sake, what are you doing? This is unacceptable.
Return to the vehicle! Hey! Come on, what are you doing? It must have been trauma! - Get out of there! - Hella out of there, kid.
- Let go.
- Walt - drag this kid out, will you? - Get your hands off me! - Wanna go to jail? - No, you'll be going to jail for criminal negligence.
This man had a dislocation fracture of the femur and he's gonna lose his leg unless I fix it right away.
Now, hold his torso down while I rotate his leg.
- What the hell are you talking about? - There's no pulse behind the knee! - He'll lose his leg to gangrene! - You're not moving this Just hold it down! And you, brace his neck, please.
Hurry.
Here we go.
You ready? Okay Okay, we're getting some circulation.
Is he still breathing? - Yeah.
- Good.
Now get me something I can use for a leg brace.
Go.
Okay.
Clear way, folks.
Come on, stay back.
Who is this kid? That's my son.
The doctor.
SIX-YEAR OLD SCORES PERFECT ON S.
A.
T.
'S WHIZ KID BREEZED THRU HIGH SCHOOL IN 9 WEEKS PRINCETON GRADUATES KID DOCTOR CAN'T BUY BEER CAN PRESCRIBE DRUGS KID DOCTOR DELIVERS BABY IN SHOPPING MALL First patient we're gonna see is William Johnson, black male, age 6, 532 dilated cardiomyopathy and failure.
We did a chest X-ray, ECG and echocardiogram.
He has a murmur of mitral insufficiency.
I gave him the jocks, and on duct 20.
5 mg B.
I.
D.
Also, I'd like to send him for nuclear medicine for cardiac scan at 9:30.
Thank you, Doctor Howser.
Alright, people, let's go take a look.
- Yo! William! - Yo, dude This is Doctor Josephson, William, he's the made man.
This is Doctor Cheeseball, Doctor Raymond.
And Doctor Turner.
Well, William, you're not feeling too well, are you? No, sir.
Not to worry, young men, we're gonna make you feel much better.
We might even give you a new heart.
What do you say to that? - Am I gonna die? - Hey! No way! Forget that! We're gonna fix you up so we can get a really sick kid in here.
- Right, Doctor Josephson? - Right.
Definitely.
Okay? Okay.
This kid is debilitated! His renal functions decreased, his creatine is elevated.
He can't survive a transplant! According to this test's results, he most certainly can.
Boy's mother's already given her consent.
On your recommendation! Statistically, he's got better chance if we just repair the valve.
Doctor Canfield, this kid's been in failure a long time! Let's get him out of failure, build him up! - Then do the transplant! - With all due respect to my learned colleague here.
I've spent more years fixing hearts than he's been alive.
- Henry - And I do not need some 16 old snot-nosed genius telling me how to do my job! My call is to do the transplant! Does my call stand or not? There's a very real possibility this boy may not survive either procedure.
Yes, your call stands.
You're gonna kill him! And you don't give a crap! Doctor Howser, you'll behave! Don't talk to me like you're my father, you're not! September 21, 1989.
Today is my 16th birthday.
Major milestone because my driver's license is, at long last, a reality.
Which means tomorrow, september 22, I'll be behind the wheel on the way to the Harvest Dance with Wanda Plenn the prettiest most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Gotcha! Got you good, Howser.
Geez, Vinnie, you almost gave me a heart attack.
Are you ready for this? Janine Stewart gives.
- Get out! - Sex, Doogie.
Tomorrow night.
After the dance.
Wampa, wampa.
Yeah.
You said the same thing about Suzie Berlooty last year.
- And - Suzie Berlooty was in the bag! If I hadn't puked on her shoe, it would've happened.
- Sure, Vinnie.
- Hey, you're just jealous, pencil neck, because I'm gonna get sex and you never even kissed a girl.
- I've kissed plenty.
- Name one.
- Wanda Plenn, tomorrow night.
- Yeah, right.
And I'll do it during a slow dance, it's all figured out.
I'm gonna tell her her hair smells great.
And I'm gonna lean in and snif her shampoo, girls love getting sniffed.
Then I'll give her a lick on her "lobule auriculare".
You're gonna do it in public? It's her earlobe, stupid.
And if she doesn't pull back then I'll know it's ok to give her one of the big wet ones.
A big what? - Oh, hi, dad.
- Hi, Doctor Howser.
What's going on here, Vincent? Oh, I was just visiting with Doogie, Doctor Howser.
I'm listening to his plan to part Wanda Plenn's pulsating red lips with his probing pubescent tongue.
Great going.
Happy birthday, son.
- Happy birthday, Doogie.
- Thanks, guys.
Oh! Cool! It's exactly what I wanted.
- I loved it.
- I'll be right back.
Look, dad here's the thing tomorrow is the big dance at Brentwood and Vinnie and I got these dates and I was wondering Can I borrow your car tomorrow night? What's wrong with your mother's car? It's a crummy old station wagon.
It's got a lousy radio.
Well, you just got your license.
I'd like to see you get some miles under your belt before you start using my car.
Dad please.
No, no, I'm afraid not, son.
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Doogie, happy birthday to you.
Make a wish, Doogie.
I already did.
Dave here said no.
- I will not be called Dave.
- David, he's just kidding.
It's disrespectful.
No, disrespectful is treating someone like a jerky kid just because he happens to be chronologically be 16 years old.
You're not excused from this table, young man.
Sit down! Emotional maturity is not a function of genius, my friend, it is a function of experience.
And you have amply demonstrated by your behavior here that you are in short supply.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What? Nothing.
I come in here an emergency expecting a qualified physician and I get a 16 year old kid! That's negligence! Pure and simple! If you could just hold still, Mr.
Finklestein.
You'll be holding still for a big fat lawsuit in a federal court! infliction of emotional distress! Well, I'm sorry you feel this way, sir, but as an attorney you must know there is no duty owed by the hospital with respect to the age of its doctors.
Nor is there any proximate cause connecting me to the harm suffered.
And even if you could make out a prima facie case of negligence, you don't have diversity jurisdiction to get this into federal court.
Besides which, I'm done.
You're done? Yep.
Seven stitches nice and neat.
There shouldn't be much of a scar.
Well, I guess it looks okay.
Maybe I won't sue.
Well, if you change your mind, the statute of limitations for malpractice is three years.
- Are you a lawyer too, Doogie? - Nah, I just read all the books.
Listen there's no one else waiting in the E.
R.
Do you wanna walk with me a minute? Where? Come on.
- What's going on? - Doogie We're friends, aren't we? Uhuh.
And friends share secrets with each other.
Am I right? Yeah, I guess.
I like younger man, Doogie.
I always have.
And, you know, in few ocasions I've caught you well admiring me.
We should probably get back to the E.
R.
And I was just wondering given our mutual attraction towards each other and given the fact that we, probably, function better professionaly if those attractions were extinguished.
It may make sense for our respective fantasies to be crunched.
Doogie monster.
- Nurse Spaulding - Now, there's just one thing I have to tell you before we do this.
What's that? Happy birthday, Doogie.
- Surprise! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOOGIE Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Doogie What's up? An unidentified body in B number 8.
Even money that was probably someone under your care.
Look Doogie about last night - It was only a joke.
- Hey, forget it.
You sure? No problem, really.
It's just that you're such a good doctor we sometimes forget you're only 16 years old.
I'm sorry too, Doogie The last thing I've ever wanted to do is hurt you.
Or jeopardize our friendship that means a great deal to me.
Still friends? Yeah, still friends Get them, boy! Great.
No toe tag, that's great I don't know how someone's body get in here Alright, Vinnie! Hey, listen up, you guys, it was only a joke.
That was perfect! Yo! William.
How you doing? You know, when I was a little kid I was sick too I was real sick What was wrong with you? I had a disease called acute leukemia.
I had it first when I was 4 and had again when I was 6.
Did you think you we're gonna die? I almost did die.
I was so weak.
I had to take this medicine that made me feel all puky.
You know what else? I lost all my hair.
- Really? - Yeah.
But it was good, though, 'cause it made me wanna be a doctor.
When they are gonna give me my new heart? It's hard to say could be today or tomorrow, or next week.
Depends on when they get one.
Where are they getting one? The truth? From a kid who dies.
I'm scared Don't be.
Getting a new heart is gonna be so prime.
You be there when I get it? Are you kidding? No way I'd miss it.
Cool Cool.
- Hey, how is it going? - Lousy.
We're out on the parking lot progressing nice boom! Déjà vu, Suzie Berlooty.
- You puked? - Right down on her dress.
She's in the bathroom, cleaning it up.
How about you? You luck wonders with your "lobulus auriculare" thingy? Not yet.
Hi, I'm back.
Can we dance this one, Doogie? Sure I'm having a wonderful time.
Yeah, me too.
My friends thinks it's really cool about you being a doctor and stuff.
Must be amazing.
It's okay.
No big deal.
I'm really glad you came to dance with me, Douglas.
I'm glad you asked me.
You hair smells great, Wanda.
Thank you.
What's that? My pants alarm.
My beeper.
I got a call in, Wanda.
Right now? I'm sorry.
What happened? He was sleeping in his bed when he suddenly started to fibrillate.
We worked on him for over an hour.
I'm sorry, Doctor Howser.
I guess there was just nothing either one of us could've done.
Your mother told me what happened.
I promised him he would be okay.
I told I'd be there for him.
First time I lost a young patient, I cried like a baby.
As you get older, you learn to handle it.
I don't want to handle it.
If you're gonna be a doctor, you have to.
Why? Why can't I just be a normal kid? Because you're not a normal kid.
You're Doogie Howser, M.
D.
B.
G.
A.
A.
G.
K.
What's that? Boy Genius.
All Around Great Kid.
I love you, son.
I love you too, dad.
Come on Get some sleep now.
DATE: Sept DATE: Septemb DATE: September DATE: September 22 DATE: September 22, 1989 Kissed Kissed my Kissed my first Kissed my first girl.
Kissed my first girl.
Lost Kissed my first girl.
Lost my Kissed my first girl.
Lost my first Kissed my first girl.
Kissed my first patient.
Life Life will Life will never Life will never be Life will never be the Life will never be the same Life will never be the same again Transcription and sync: ReX
The examination is going nicely.
Making right turn at the next corner.
Excellent negotiation.
Today is his 16th birthday, getting his license would would just be the most perfect present.
Forgive me, but I prefer silence during the examination.
You being here is against police, don't exacerbate it by speaking.
I think you could chance it.
Let's turn around.
There's been an accident.
Just pull over here What are you doing? There's a car.
- Stop.
Just think.
Improper speed.
- Doogie, you're going too fast.
- Unacceptable excessive.
- Please, Doogie, slow down.
For God's sake, what are you doing? This is unacceptable.
Return to the vehicle! Hey! Come on, what are you doing? It must have been trauma! - Get out of there! - Hella out of there, kid.
- Let go.
- Walt - drag this kid out, will you? - Get your hands off me! - Wanna go to jail? - No, you'll be going to jail for criminal negligence.
This man had a dislocation fracture of the femur and he's gonna lose his leg unless I fix it right away.
Now, hold his torso down while I rotate his leg.
- What the hell are you talking about? - There's no pulse behind the knee! - He'll lose his leg to gangrene! - You're not moving this Just hold it down! And you, brace his neck, please.
Hurry.
Here we go.
You ready? Okay Okay, we're getting some circulation.
Is he still breathing? - Yeah.
- Good.
Now get me something I can use for a leg brace.
Go.
Okay.
Clear way, folks.
Come on, stay back.
Who is this kid? That's my son.
The doctor.
SIX-YEAR OLD SCORES PERFECT ON S.
A.
T.
'S WHIZ KID BREEZED THRU HIGH SCHOOL IN 9 WEEKS PRINCETON GRADUATES KID DOCTOR CAN'T BUY BEER CAN PRESCRIBE DRUGS KID DOCTOR DELIVERS BABY IN SHOPPING MALL First patient we're gonna see is William Johnson, black male, age 6, 532 dilated cardiomyopathy and failure.
We did a chest X-ray, ECG and echocardiogram.
He has a murmur of mitral insufficiency.
I gave him the jocks, and on duct 20.
5 mg B.
I.
D.
Also, I'd like to send him for nuclear medicine for cardiac scan at 9:30.
Thank you, Doctor Howser.
Alright, people, let's go take a look.
- Yo! William! - Yo, dude This is Doctor Josephson, William, he's the made man.
This is Doctor Cheeseball, Doctor Raymond.
And Doctor Turner.
Well, William, you're not feeling too well, are you? No, sir.
Not to worry, young men, we're gonna make you feel much better.
We might even give you a new heart.
What do you say to that? - Am I gonna die? - Hey! No way! Forget that! We're gonna fix you up so we can get a really sick kid in here.
- Right, Doctor Josephson? - Right.
Definitely.
Okay? Okay.
This kid is debilitated! His renal functions decreased, his creatine is elevated.
He can't survive a transplant! According to this test's results, he most certainly can.
Boy's mother's already given her consent.
On your recommendation! Statistically, he's got better chance if we just repair the valve.
Doctor Canfield, this kid's been in failure a long time! Let's get him out of failure, build him up! - Then do the transplant! - With all due respect to my learned colleague here.
I've spent more years fixing hearts than he's been alive.
- Henry - And I do not need some 16 old snot-nosed genius telling me how to do my job! My call is to do the transplant! Does my call stand or not? There's a very real possibility this boy may not survive either procedure.
Yes, your call stands.
You're gonna kill him! And you don't give a crap! Doctor Howser, you'll behave! Don't talk to me like you're my father, you're not! September 21, 1989.
Today is my 16th birthday.
Major milestone because my driver's license is, at long last, a reality.
Which means tomorrow, september 22, I'll be behind the wheel on the way to the Harvest Dance with Wanda Plenn the prettiest most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Gotcha! Got you good, Howser.
Geez, Vinnie, you almost gave me a heart attack.
Are you ready for this? Janine Stewart gives.
- Get out! - Sex, Doogie.
Tomorrow night.
After the dance.
Wampa, wampa.
Yeah.
You said the same thing about Suzie Berlooty last year.
- And - Suzie Berlooty was in the bag! If I hadn't puked on her shoe, it would've happened.
- Sure, Vinnie.
- Hey, you're just jealous, pencil neck, because I'm gonna get sex and you never even kissed a girl.
- I've kissed plenty.
- Name one.
- Wanda Plenn, tomorrow night.
- Yeah, right.
And I'll do it during a slow dance, it's all figured out.
I'm gonna tell her her hair smells great.
And I'm gonna lean in and snif her shampoo, girls love getting sniffed.
Then I'll give her a lick on her "lobule auriculare".
You're gonna do it in public? It's her earlobe, stupid.
And if she doesn't pull back then I'll know it's ok to give her one of the big wet ones.
A big what? - Oh, hi, dad.
- Hi, Doctor Howser.
What's going on here, Vincent? Oh, I was just visiting with Doogie, Doctor Howser.
I'm listening to his plan to part Wanda Plenn's pulsating red lips with his probing pubescent tongue.
Great going.
Happy birthday, son.
- Happy birthday, Doogie.
- Thanks, guys.
Oh! Cool! It's exactly what I wanted.
- I loved it.
- I'll be right back.
Look, dad here's the thing tomorrow is the big dance at Brentwood and Vinnie and I got these dates and I was wondering Can I borrow your car tomorrow night? What's wrong with your mother's car? It's a crummy old station wagon.
It's got a lousy radio.
Well, you just got your license.
I'd like to see you get some miles under your belt before you start using my car.
Dad please.
No, no, I'm afraid not, son.
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Doogie, happy birthday to you.
Make a wish, Doogie.
I already did.
Dave here said no.
- I will not be called Dave.
- David, he's just kidding.
It's disrespectful.
No, disrespectful is treating someone like a jerky kid just because he happens to be chronologically be 16 years old.
You're not excused from this table, young man.
Sit down! Emotional maturity is not a function of genius, my friend, it is a function of experience.
And you have amply demonstrated by your behavior here that you are in short supply.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What? Nothing.
I come in here an emergency expecting a qualified physician and I get a 16 year old kid! That's negligence! Pure and simple! If you could just hold still, Mr.
Finklestein.
You'll be holding still for a big fat lawsuit in a federal court! infliction of emotional distress! Well, I'm sorry you feel this way, sir, but as an attorney you must know there is no duty owed by the hospital with respect to the age of its doctors.
Nor is there any proximate cause connecting me to the harm suffered.
And even if you could make out a prima facie case of negligence, you don't have diversity jurisdiction to get this into federal court.
Besides which, I'm done.
You're done? Yep.
Seven stitches nice and neat.
There shouldn't be much of a scar.
Well, I guess it looks okay.
Maybe I won't sue.
Well, if you change your mind, the statute of limitations for malpractice is three years.
- Are you a lawyer too, Doogie? - Nah, I just read all the books.
Listen there's no one else waiting in the E.
R.
Do you wanna walk with me a minute? Where? Come on.
- What's going on? - Doogie We're friends, aren't we? Uhuh.
And friends share secrets with each other.
Am I right? Yeah, I guess.
I like younger man, Doogie.
I always have.
And, you know, in few ocasions I've caught you well admiring me.
We should probably get back to the E.
R.
And I was just wondering given our mutual attraction towards each other and given the fact that we, probably, function better professionaly if those attractions were extinguished.
It may make sense for our respective fantasies to be crunched.
Doogie monster.
- Nurse Spaulding - Now, there's just one thing I have to tell you before we do this.
What's that? Happy birthday, Doogie.
- Surprise! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOOGIE Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Doogie What's up? An unidentified body in B number 8.
Even money that was probably someone under your care.
Look Doogie about last night - It was only a joke.
- Hey, forget it.
You sure? No problem, really.
It's just that you're such a good doctor we sometimes forget you're only 16 years old.
I'm sorry too, Doogie The last thing I've ever wanted to do is hurt you.
Or jeopardize our friendship that means a great deal to me.
Still friends? Yeah, still friends Get them, boy! Great.
No toe tag, that's great I don't know how someone's body get in here Alright, Vinnie! Hey, listen up, you guys, it was only a joke.
That was perfect! Yo! William.
How you doing? You know, when I was a little kid I was sick too I was real sick What was wrong with you? I had a disease called acute leukemia.
I had it first when I was 4 and had again when I was 6.
Did you think you we're gonna die? I almost did die.
I was so weak.
I had to take this medicine that made me feel all puky.
You know what else? I lost all my hair.
- Really? - Yeah.
But it was good, though, 'cause it made me wanna be a doctor.
When they are gonna give me my new heart? It's hard to say could be today or tomorrow, or next week.
Depends on when they get one.
Where are they getting one? The truth? From a kid who dies.
I'm scared Don't be.
Getting a new heart is gonna be so prime.
You be there when I get it? Are you kidding? No way I'd miss it.
Cool Cool.
- Hey, how is it going? - Lousy.
We're out on the parking lot progressing nice boom! Déjà vu, Suzie Berlooty.
- You puked? - Right down on her dress.
She's in the bathroom, cleaning it up.
How about you? You luck wonders with your "lobulus auriculare" thingy? Not yet.
Hi, I'm back.
Can we dance this one, Doogie? Sure I'm having a wonderful time.
Yeah, me too.
My friends thinks it's really cool about you being a doctor and stuff.
Must be amazing.
It's okay.
No big deal.
I'm really glad you came to dance with me, Douglas.
I'm glad you asked me.
You hair smells great, Wanda.
Thank you.
What's that? My pants alarm.
My beeper.
I got a call in, Wanda.
Right now? I'm sorry.
What happened? He was sleeping in his bed when he suddenly started to fibrillate.
We worked on him for over an hour.
I'm sorry, Doctor Howser.
I guess there was just nothing either one of us could've done.
Your mother told me what happened.
I promised him he would be okay.
I told I'd be there for him.
First time I lost a young patient, I cried like a baby.
As you get older, you learn to handle it.
I don't want to handle it.
If you're gonna be a doctor, you have to.
Why? Why can't I just be a normal kid? Because you're not a normal kid.
You're Doogie Howser, M.
D.
B.
G.
A.
A.
G.
K.
What's that? Boy Genius.
All Around Great Kid.
I love you, son.
I love you too, dad.
Come on Get some sleep now.
DATE: Sept DATE: Septemb DATE: September DATE: September 22 DATE: September 22, 1989 Kissed Kissed my Kissed my first Kissed my first girl.
Kissed my first girl.
Lost Kissed my first girl.
Lost my Kissed my first girl.
Lost my first Kissed my first girl.
Kissed my first patient.
Life Life will Life will never Life will never be Life will never be the Life will never be the same Life will never be the same again Transcription and sync: ReX