Doug (1991) s01e01 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
BUD, WATCH
YOUR BACK.
SAY, TIPPY, WAN
TO SHAG SOME BALLS?
FORE!
SORRY!
[ barking]
Doug:
DEAR DIARY
HI, IT'S ME, DOUG.
THE SCHOOL DANCE SEEMED
LIKE IT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO
BUT I REMEMBER IT
LIKE IT WAS ONLY YESTERDAY.
IT ALL BEGAN
WELL, THIS AFTERNOON.
ME AND PORKCHOP WERE PUTTING
THE FINISHING TOUCHES
ON MY COSTUME FOR THE DANCE
AND EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE,
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN IT HIT ME.
HEY, FUNNIE,
WHERE ARE YOU?
HI, ROGER.
IS THAT YOUR COSTUME
FOR THE BIG DANCE TONIGHT?
WHAT ARE YOU,
A PILE OF MANURE?
[ laughing]
I'M A SLUG.
SO YOU'RE GOING
THROUGH WITH IT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
AREN'T YOU
PAIRED UP
WITH PATTI
MAYONNAISE?
YEAH, I GUESS
I'M THE LUCKIEST GUY
LUCKY?
DO YOU REALIZE
SHE'S THE BEST DANCER
IN THE SCHOOL?
YEAH, SO?
THINK ABOUT IT,
EINSTEIN:
HOW MANY
DANCE CONTESTS
YOU WON LATELY?
UM NONE.
HOW MANY DANCES
YOU EVER BEEN TO?
UH NONE.
HAVE YOU EVER DANCED
IN YOUR LIFE?
NO.
FACE IT, FUNNIE--
YOU CAN'T DANCE.
EVERYONE'S
GOING TO BE
LAUGHING AT YOU.
I CAN
HEAR IT NOW.
[ laughing]
DOUG CAN'T DANCE.
DOUG CAN'T DANCE.
[ screaming]
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
ROGER EXPLAINED WHY
I SHOULDN'T GO TO THE DANCE.
HE SAID IT WAS
FOR MY OWN GOOD.
TELL YOU WHAT:
I'LL DANCE WITH
PATTI FOR YOU.
YOU JUST GO BACK HOME
AND FORGET ABOUT IT.
GO HOME, AND
MISS THE DANCE?
SURE DO
YOU WANT PATTI
TO KNOW YOU'RE
A KLUTZ?
HUH?
I'LL TELL HER
YOU HAD TO MAKE
LIKE A TREE AND LEAF.
GET IT?
VERY FUNNY, ROGER.
OH, BROTHER,
WHAT A KLUTZ!
[ laughs]
SEE YOU LATER,
FUNNIE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ROGER.
SOMETIMES I WONDER IF HE KNOWS
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
SOMETIMES I THINK
HE'S TRYING TO WHOA!
HELLO, THERE,
DOUGLAS.
NICE COSTUME.
WHAT ARE YOU, DIRTY SOCKS?
I'M A SLUG.
WHATEVER.
HOW DO I LOOK?
Doug:
LIKE A CHICKEN,
MR. DINK.
THERE YOU LOOK
LIKE A CHICKEN.
CAN WE GO NOW?
YOU'RE BOTH WRONG.
I'M A GRADE-A
THOROUGHBRED CHICKEN--
THE ULTIMATE
IN POULTRY WEAR--
VERY EXPENSIVE.
THE MISSUS THINKS
I LOOK STUPID.
ARE YOU GOING
TO THE DANCE?
OF COURSE WE ARE.
I'M THE CHAPERON.
I'M GOING AS THE WIFE
OF A GIANT CHICKEN.
WELL, OF COURSE
YOU ARE, DEAR.
I CAN'T WAI
TO GET THERE.
IT'S GOING
TO BE A BLAST.
SEE YOU AT THE DANCE,
DOUGLAS.
HM MAYBE THE DINKS ARE RIGHT.
MAYBE IT WILL BE A BLAST-- IF
YOU KNOW HOW TO DANCE, THAT IS.
HEY
HUH?
YO, DOUG.
WHAT'S UP?
OH, HI, SKEETER.
HEY, COOL
GODZILLA COSTUME.
ONE OF A KIND--
VERY FINE.
I'M A SLUG.
EVEN BETTER.
GOTTA FLY.
PLANNING A VERY SUPERB
D.J. SETUP FOR TONIGHT.
I WISH I COULD SEE IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
AREN'T YOU COMING?
WELL, I WAS,
BUT SOMETHING CAME UP.
WHAT CAME UP?
WELL, I FOUND OUT I CAN'T DANCE.
EVERYONE CAN DANCE.
IT'S JUST MOVING AROUND
WITHOUT GOING ANYWHERE.
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.
FIRST YOU MOVE YOUR ARMS
LIKE YOU GOT AN ITCH
YOU CAN'T REACH.
[ making rhythmic noises]
AND THEN YOU BEND YOUR LEGS
LIKE YOU'RE IN AN EARTHQUAKE.
[ beatboxing]
AND THEN YOU LE
YOUR WHOLE BODY GO
INTO SPIN DRY.
[ squeaking and creaking]
OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.
OH.
SAY, DOUG, COULD YOU
JUST PULL MY FOO
OUT OF MY POCKET?
LIKE THIS?
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
NO, THE OTHER WAY.
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
SEE YOU A
THE DANCE, DOUG.
[ feedback from amplifiers]
Skeeter:
Testing one, two, three,
Skeeter Ice-M.C.
[ rap music with scratching]
SAY, TIPPY,
DO YOU REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME
I ASKED YOU TO DANCE?
YES, DEAR.
DO YOU REMEMBER
WHAT YOU SAID?
YES.
"GO AWAY AND
LEAVE ME ALONE."
OH, YOU DO REMEMBER.
BUT YOU FINALLY SAID YES
AT OUR SENIOR PROM.
AS I RECALL,
I SWEPT YOU RIGH
OFF YOUR FEET
AND INTO
THE REFRESHMENT TABLE.
STILL WASN'T THA
HOSPITAL ROOM NICE?
[ feedback from amplifiers]
[ music continues]
WOW!
OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT,
MR. AND MRS. DINK.
WOW!
A FLYING CHICKEN.
COOL.
THAT'S GRADE-A
THOROUGHBRED CHICKEN!
[ crash]
OH, NICE LANDING.
WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE I
WILL BE OKAY.
I'VE NEVER EVEN TRIED.
HEY, DOUG, NICE
PRUNE COSTUME.
MAYBE I'LL DANCE
REAL GOOD.
YEAH, MAYBE I'M
A GREAT DANCER.
[ imagining rhythmic beat]
DOUG?
DOUG?
DOUG, ARE YOU OKAY?
UH, YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I WAS JUST THINKING.
WHAT A GREA
COSTUME!
YOU MAKE
A WONDERFUL SLUG.
DID YOU SAY "SLUG"?
DOUG, WE'D BETTER
GET GOING.
OH, OKAY LET'S GO.
SAY, PATTI,
READY TO DANCE?
DOUG,
ARE YOU HURT?
FUNNIE, WHAT ARE
YOUDOING HERE?
I'MDANCING
WITH PATTI.
THANKS JUS
THE SAME, ROGER
BUT I'LL TRY
TO DANCE FOR MYSELF.
YOU'LL HAVE TO SI
THIS ONE OUT.
WAY TO GO,
ROG.
YEAH, SHE
LOVES YOU.
YEAH, ROG,
THAT WAS, LIKE,
REAL SMOOTH.
[ growling]
OH, YEAH?
I'LL SHOW HIM.
COME ON, IT'S
HAMMER TIME.
[ hip-hop music]
[ hip-hop music,
man singing scat]
COME ON,
LET'S GET STARTED.
I HAVESTARTED.
WAIT TILL FUNNIE
FEELS THIS.
SOME ICE DOWN THE BACK
OUGHT TO COOL HIM DOWN.
[ all laughing]
GOOD-- NOW TRY
MOVING YOUR FEET.
OH, YEAH,
I FORGOT.
YECH!
OH, OOH, POLKA!
GANGWAY, COMING THROUGH.
WATCH YOUR BACK.
THIS IS GREAT,
PATTI.
I'M GETTING
THE HANG OF IT.
BEFORE TONIGHT,
I DIDN'T THINK
I COULD DANCE
BUT NOW I
HEY, WHAT THE
WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOA!
[ screaming in pain]
OH, BROTHER
WHAT A DOOFUS!
YOU SEE, DOUG,
I TOLD YOU.
YOU CAN'T DANCE!
[ crowd laughing]
[ moaning fashionably]
HEY, DOUG, WHA
A GREAT NEW DANCE.
COME ON, EVERYBODY,
DO THE SLUG HOP WITH US.
[ all moaning fashionably]
DO THE SLUG HOP!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
BAWK!
THIS IS A GREA
NEW DANCE.
IT'S WILD,
IT'S GROOVY.
I TOLD YOU I
WOULD BE A BLAST.
I THINK YOU NEED TO GE
OUT MORE OFTEN, DEAR.
[ music continues]
HEY, GET ME UP.
YOU CAN'T JUS
LEAVE ME HERE.
[ screams]
IT WENT ON LIKE THAT
FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.
IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I ALMOST CHICKENED OUT.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
I FIGURED OUT WAS
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH,
ALWAYS REMEMBER TO NO.
NEVER THINK YOU CAN'T NO.
BLESSED ARE THE
FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN
[ screaming]
PORKCHOP, MY FOOT!
HOW COULD YOU?
ANYWHERE BUT MY FOOT!
IT'S THE ONLY FOO
THAT I'VE GOT.
IT STILL HURTS
Bud Dink:
SORRY.
THERE I WAS, DOUG FUNNIE
FUGITIVE FROM JUSTICE,
COLD, WET, HUNGRY.
EVEN MY SHORTS WERE RIDING UP.
THIS WAS THE WORST THING
THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME
SINCE THE BEGINNING
OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
BOY, HOW DID I EVER
GET INTO THIS MESS?
HOW DID I BEGIN MY LIFE
AS A FUGITIVE?
I GUESS IT ALL STARTED
AT THE SCHOOL SCIENCE FAIR.
EVERYBODY HAD REAL
INTERESTING PROJECTS.
I REMEMBER CHALKY HAD TRAINED
A VENUS'S-FLYTRAP TO SING OPERA.
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA
LA-A-A!
BEEBE HAD A DISPLAY THAT PROVED
THE TREES CAUSE MORE POLLUTION
THAN HER FATHER'S FACTORY.
SKEETER CAME DRESSED
AS THE SOLAR SYSTEM
AND ROGER TRIED TO PASS OFF A
BIG FIRECRACKER AS A SUPERNOVA.
[ playing Hawaiian music]
MY PROJECT WAS A VOLCANO.
I WAS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
WOW, THAT'S TERRIFIC, DOUG.
REALLY? WELL,
THE REASON THE LAVA
KEEPS SHOOTING UP
INTO THE AIR
IS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
HUH?
I MEAN, ABOVEYOU.
THE SPARKS GO
ABOVE YOU, AND
FREEZE!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
[ growling]
IT'S A VOLCANO, MR. BONE.
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
AS ASSISTAN
PRINCIPAL
I INFORM YOU
THAT THIS VOLCANO
IS A DIRECT VIOLATION
OF SCHOOL CODE NUMBER
WELL, THE NUMBER'S
NOT IMPORTANT.
NO VOLCANOS
ON SCHOOL PROPERTY
WITHOUT PERMISSION.
[ bell ringing]
TIME FOR MATH CLASS.
LET'S SEE IF THERE ARE
ANY OTHER FIREBUGS
IN HERE.
UH-OH.
NICE PROJECT,
SKEETER.
GOTTA GO.
YOUNG MAN,
THIS VIOLATES
SCHOOL CODE
NUMBER
WELL, THE NUMBER'S
NOT IMPORTANT.
NO SUPERNOVAS.
HEY, MR. BONE
JUST PUT OUT A FIRE.
MR. BONE PUT OU
A HUGE FIRE.
IT WAS THIS
GIGANTIC EXPLOSION.
YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN IT.
THE WHOLE
BUILDING WENT UP.
KERPLOOEY!
A MELTDOWN?
THE WHOLE SCIENCE LAB?
WAY TO GO, ROG.
YOU'RE IN
TROUBLE, DUDE.
HEY, DON'T LOOK
AT ME, MAN.
WHO ELSE COULD
HAVE BURNT DOWN
THE SCIENCE LAB?
HEY, ROGER,
NED, WILLIE.
DOUG THAT'S IT.
FUNNIE DID IT.
DID WHAT?
DOUG, TRY
TO CONCENTRATE.
YOU REMEMBER THA
VOLCANO OF YOURS?
OH, SURE, IT STARTED
WITH ONE TINY SPARK
BUT PRETTY SOON
THE WHOLE SCIENCE LAB
WAS ONE TOWERING
INFERNO.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
PERSONALLY, PAL,
I CAN'T OVERSTATE
THE VALUE OF
RUNNING AND HIDING
OH, GOSH!
FROM THE COPS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO
TO PEOPLE WHO START FIRES?
YOU'LL BE STAMPING
LICENSE PLATES
UNTIL YOU'RE
AS OLD AS MR. BONE.
I'M INNOCENT, I TELL YOU.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
HOW ARE YOU
FEELING, FUNNIE?
AN ACCIDENT.
I GOTTA GO!
Electronic voice:
Freeze! You're under arrest.
Freeze! You're under arrest.
SAY, DOUGLAS, YOU LIKE
MY NEW CAR ALARM?
VERY EXPENSIVE.
WELL, YES, MR. DINK.
SAY, I WONDER WHA
MADE HIM SO NERVOUS.
MAYBE DOUG IS ACTUALLY
THE HEAD OF AN INTERNATIONAL
RING OF AUTO THIEVES, DEAR.
OH, NO, TIPPY,
NOT DOUG.
WHY, HE'S TOO YOUNG
TO DRIVE.
TO THROW OFF THE COPS,
I FIGURED I'D TRY A DISGUISE.
OW!
HEY, JUDY, IT'S OKAY.
DO YOU MIND IF I BORROW
A FEW THINGS?
OH, NO, PLEASE GO THROUGH
ALLMY PRIVATE STUFF.
TRY MY DRESSER, TOO.
OH, OKAY.
STAY AWAY
FROM MY DRESSER.
BUT YOU SAID
I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.
IT'S A DRAMATIC DEVICE.
WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED
TO BE, ANYWAY?
SOME SOR
OF BANDIT?
ME? DO I LOOK LIKE A BANDIT?
DOUGIE, IF YOU'RE
GOING TO PLAY A BANDI
AT LEAS
LOOK THE PART.
HM SOMETHING'S
MISSING.
[ snaps fingers]
VOILA!
DOUG,
THE BANDIT!
NO, JACKBANDIT.
OKAY, COPPERS,
I DARE YOU TO CATCH
WA-NA-NA JACK BANDIT!
NOW, CLASS, DOES ANYONE KNOW
WHAT THE SIXTH ARTICLE
OF THE CONSTITUTION SAYS?
PATTI?
THE SIXTH ARTICLE
OF THE CONSTITUTION STATES
THE COURT MAY PUNISH ANYONE
WHO COVERS THE SCIENCE LAB
WITH MOLTEN LAVA.
AND DO WE KNOW ANYONE LIKE THAT?
All:
IT'S HIM!
GET HIM!
YOU'LL NEVER GET WA-NA-NA
JACK BANDIT!
WHAT A GUY!
GOOD-BYE!
WHAT THE
THIS IS GOING ON YOUR
PERMANENT RECORD.
JACK, YOU MUST ESCAPE.
SO LONG, SUCKERS.
IT SEEMED AS IF MY ONLY CHANCE
WAS TO GO ON THE LAM.
I COULDN'T LEAVE
WITHOUT SAYING GOOD-BYE
TO MY PARENTS, THOUGH.
MOM?
DAD?
[ yawning]
UH, I'M LEAVING HOME--
DROPPING OU
OF SCHOOL
AND STARTING
A NEW LIFE
AS A FUGITIVE
FROM JUSTICE.
THAT'S NICE, DOUG.
JUST DON'
WAKE YOUR SISTER.
OKAY WELL, UH,
I'M LEAVING NOW.
NO MORE SON.
GOOD-BYE.
THIS IS IT, BOY.
WE'RE REALLY OUTLAWS NOW.
IT'S WA-NA-NA JACK BANDI
AND HIS SIDEKICK, UH
PORKCHOP.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
YOU'RE ON THE LAM?
[ whines]
I DON'T KNOW EITHER.
I WONDER WHA
EVERYBODY'S DOING.
DO YOU THINK THEY MISS US, EVEN?
WHERE IS
THE LIBRARY?
I'M JUST GOING
TO WANDER AROUND
TILL I FIND IT.
ARE YOU GETTING
AS HUNGRY AS ME?
[ whimpers]
PSST SKEETER.
HEY, DOUG,
COOL OUTFIT.
NATURAL FIBERS?
YOU GOING TO EA
THAT WHOLE SANDWICH?
OH, HERE.
THANKS.
SAY, SKEET?
YEAH, DOUG?
IF YOU BURNED DOWN
THE SCIENCE LAB
HOW WOULD YOU
SPEND THE RES
OF YOUR LIFE?
WOULD YOU
PREFER PRISON
OR DODGING
THE COPS?
I'M GOING TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.
THERE HE IS.
HEY, YOU! STOP!
THE PRINCIPAL WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU.
[ hounds barking]
SO NOW, ONCE AGAIN,
I'M JACK BANDI
HUNTED DOWN LIKE AN ANIMAL JUST
BECAUSE OF MY LOVE FOR SCIENCE.
CAN I REALLY SPEND
MY LIFE LIKE THIS?
NO ALLOWANCE, AND
WELL, ALREADY
IT'S A LOT MORE RUNNING
THAN I EVER EXPECTED.
PRISON'S GOT TO BE
LESS STRENUOUS--
REGULAR MEALS, BUNK BEDS,
MY OWN NUMBER.
OKAY, MR. BONE,
YOU WIN.
I'LL GO QUIETLY.
OH, MR. BONE
COULD YOU WAI
FOR ONE SECOND?
I JUST HAVE
TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
GOOD-BYE?
PLEASE, IT'S
MY LAST REQUEST.
LOOK, MISTER
I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY HERE.
LOOK, PATTI
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO WORRY ABOUT ME
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE
I MIGHT BE GOING
AWAY FOR A WHILE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT'S A CRAZY,
CRUEL WORLD, PATTI.
THE BEST THING TO DO
IS FORGET ANY
OF THIS HAPPENED
AND START JUNIOR
HIGH WITHOUT ME.
I DON'
UNDERSTAND.
OKAY,
OKAY
BREAK IT UP.
SHOW'S OVER.
GOOD-BYE, PATTI.
OKAY, MR. BONE,
LET'S GO.
[ all whispering in awe]
WAY TO GO, FUNNIE.
I'VE BEEN IN THERE
A THOUSAND TIMES
AND THEY HAVEN'T BROKEN MEYET.
I HOPE THEY GIVE HIM
A PRISON CELL
WITH A VIEW.
PRISON?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
HIS VOLCANO BLEW UP
THE SCIENCE ROOM.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
I WAS JUST THERE.
IT WAS FINE.
THEN WHAT DOES
THE PRINCIPAL WANT?
WHAT DID
THE PRINCIPAL
SAY, DOUG?
SECOND PLACE--
I WON SECOND PLACE.
MRS. WINGO LIKED MY VOLCANO
AND SHE LOVED
PORKCHOP'S HULA DANCE.
WHAT?
LET ME
SEE THAT.
OH, DOUG,
HOW WONDERFUL!
WOW!
SO I DIDN'T GO TO PRISON
AND FOR NOW, IT'S BACK
TO MY NORMAL, QUIET[ yawns]
SLEEPY BLUFFINGTON LIFE.
BUT WHO KNOWS WHEN AN EVEN
MORE TERRIFYING SCIENCE PROJEC
MIGHT STRIKE,
THANKS TO WA-NA-NA
JACK BANDIT!
OW!
OR MAYBE NEXT TIME
I'LL MAKE A MAP.
IT'S A LOT SAFER.