Douglas Is Cancelled (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

That's all for today.
Same time tomorrow.
Why not. See you at six.-
- And that's us off air.
- Thank you, studio.
Thanks very much.
Er, Jenny will see you off set.
-Was I okay with George?
-Sorry, what?
-Pensions minister.
-Hmm.
Well, did I get the right figures.
Just a sec.
- What, are you looking it up?
- No, no.
-How was the wedding?
-Wedding?
-Er, your cousin's, wasn't it?
-Oh, yes, it was fine.
Was I okay with the pensions minister?
-Yeah, of course.
-I mean, were my figures right?
-Well, not yet, but we'll do some research.
-Thanks.
-Babes.
-Hmm?
-Nice one today.
-Er, cheers.
-Tomorrow?
-Yeah, tomorrow.
-Er, big one, was it?
-Hmm?
-Big what?
-The wedding. Was it big?
Well, yeah, I suppose
I left my coat somewhere.
- Makeup. I put it in your dressing room.
- Thanks.
-How many guests?
-I don't know.
-Two hundred, 300.
-Oh, nice.
-So, er, it's just the right size, then.
-Yeah.
Closer to two or three?
I'm sorry.
Closer to two or three
hundred, what would you say?
More than 300.
-Three hundred and fifty?
-Is something wrong?
-There's, er, been a tweet.
-What tweet?
This one.
Basically, you were overheard
being a bit loud, were you?
-Well, this is nothing.
-Okay, good.
-I mean, it's nothing, isn't it?
-Is it?
-Of course it's nothing.
-Well, that's a relief. I'm so glad.
I was at a family wedding,
for God's sake.
Yeah, exactly, a family wedding.
-Whose business is that?
-Nobody's business.
-It's not even worth talking about.
-We don't have to talk about it.
-Do you wanna talk about it?
-No.
Good. Good then. Let's not
do that. Let's not talk about it.
Let's start with an account
of what happened.
-An honest account.
-No, an account.
We can move in the direction of honesty
once we've decided on the facts.
In the direction of honesty?
I'm not ruling out
honesty at this stage.
So, you were at the wedding,
it's an evening do, it's late.
Er, I was a little drunk.
-Not in my opinion.
-I'm sorry?
I disagree about you being drunk.
-You weren't there.
-We're journalists, we're never there.
Having opinions
about things we didn't witness
is the entire point of our existence.
We are the brave few
who turn up after the event
and explain it
to everyone else who missed it.
How do you get through
the day being this cynical?
Unhurt. So at some point,
surrounded by friends,
probably laughing friends,
-you make some sort of a joke.
-A harmless joke.
-Harmless?
-Yes, harmless, completely harmless.
"Overheard, presenter Douglas Bellowes
"making an extremely sexist joke
at a wedding party."
-I didn't
-"Disgusted."
Tweeter doesn't seem
to think it was harmless.
-Why is that, do you think?
-Because the tweeter is an idiot?
-Tell me more.
-I don't know anymore.
I didn't see her.
I didn't even notice her.
-But you know about the idiocy?
-I'm assuming the idiocy.
-Because of a single tweet accusing you of sexism?
-Yes.
-Ironically enough.
-Ironically?
Because you're also assuming
the tweeter is a woman.
Oh, Christ.
"Patrick Harland."
Man, I'd say, wouldn't you?
Yes, that does seem like likely.
He/him. Sounds pretty sure.
What was the joke?
I don't know.
-You don't know?
-I don't remember what I said.
It was a wedding three days ago.
I was drinking.
Why would I remember?
Okay, I see. So you don't
remember the joke,
-but you do remember it was harmless?
-Yes.
Just like you remember that
someone you never even noticed is an
idiot and a woman just because she-oops-he
-remembers it a bit differently from you.
-Yes.
Even though you don't
remember it at all?
I'm just telling you the truth.
Isn't that what you want?
Well, the truth is useful, yes, but I'd
prefer something a little more balanced.
We're in news. Truth is
only one side of the story.
-This isn't news.
-It's going to be news. It's you.
Like it or not, Douglas,
and I don't much,
there are a rare few in this world
who carry the burden
of power and influence,
and five evenings a week,
you walk into a television studio
and read out their names
from an auto cue.
Now it's a fact that audiences over time
begin to associate television
presenters with real people.
It's deluded, but it's inevitable.
In every crisis and natural
disaster for the last 10 years,
they've seen you,
out there on the front line,
introducing the footage.
For over a decade, your face has been
the clear popular choice for wars,
famines, atrocities and Royals.
When a national treasure dies,
it comes out of your mouth.
As far as our viewers are concerned,
your voice is what makes
famous people dead.
So please use that
instrument of death with care.
How many times do I have to tell you,
when you're out in public,
when civilians can hear you,
you must be balanced, boring and bland.
You should be aspiring
to net zero cognitive content.
Not slobbering out witticisms
like you've cornered the
weather girl at the Christmas party.
-Well, what about Madeline?
-Madeline?
Well, she's all over social
media. She might see this.
So what?
-Well, she's, you know
-What is she?
Well, she's
Sometimes she's
I'm holding my breath in terror
at your next adjective
and praying it will not refer
to the fact that she's female.
-Well, Madeline is Madeline.
-Well done.
Net zero cognitive content.
Verging on Thought For The Day.
Madeline will be fine.
She adores you. You know that.
- Okay.
- Everyone knows that.
-Sorry what?
-He's got 300 followers!
-Who has?
-Patrick Harland, the tweeter.
Three hundred, well, that's nothing.
That's just friends
and friends of friends
-and a bot farm in Russia.
-He's getting retweeted though,
-and the retweets are getting
retweeted, -It'll blow over.
Look, I've got a dinner thing.
I'll talk to you later.
I've got it on live update.
It's coming in waves now.
It's like being Michael Caine in Zulu.
It's nothing. It'll burn
itself out. I'll see you.
Douglas. Seriously.
What was the joke?
I really don't remember.
I hate jokes.
Why can't people just say things?
-Hey, Madeline.
-Got to run.
Sorry. Good show.
Let's do another one tomorrow.
Yeah, tomorrow.
-I wasn't being racist, by the way.
-I'm sorry?
I appreciate that Michael Caine
was basically the aggressor.
Oh, shut up.
-Hey.
-Straight home?
Yeah, thanks.
Got himself into trouble,
hasn't he, your fella?
-My fella?
-Yeah, Douglas what's-his-name?
-Ah, my co-presenter.
-Your fella, yeah.
-What's he done now?
-He told a joke.
A sexist joke.
-It's all over Twitter.
-Hmm.
Sounds like him.
Was it funny?
Didn't say it was funny.
Just said that it was sexist.
Sounds like Twitter.
Or do we called it X now?
I can't keep up.
I don't think anyone can. Hey.
You got the figures right.
With the pensions guy.
You were good.
-You were looking it up.
-Of course I was.
You were checking on me?
I mean, you were factually wrong,
but I figured out a way
you can be kind of, right.
So you haven't screwed up.
-What if I had?
-Oh, I'd have thrown you to the wolves, mate.
Right, okay.
Wolves, that's fair.
I'll phone you later
about the thing tomorrow.
-You know the link-up thing?
-Yeah. Give me a couple of hours.
-I've got dinner with my agent.
-Okay.
Er, no. Phone me during dinner.
I hate my agent.
You got it.
My wife thinks you've got chemistry.
-Excuse me?
-You and him on telly.
She thinks you've got chemistry.
Well, isn't that nice?
Yeah. How do you do that, then?
Create chemistry on telly,
just, er, sitting on a sofa.
Well, generally, you make
the bloke about 20 years older.
On Twitter, yeah?
-The joke?
-Yeah.
- Jason Wellings.
- Jason?
Cancer. Bad kind.
It's big secret.
Not sure who knows.
Jason's dead.
-Dead?
-He died three weeks ago.
-Of what?
-Cancer.
-That was sudden.
-Well, no, it wasn't.
Was to me.
-Okay, about this Twitter thing
-Yeah.
What do you think? Do you
think there's a problem here?
I mean, should I be doing anything,
talking to anyone?
Any ideas, any suggestions?
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on, hang on.
Oh, God, where is it?
Oh, there we go.
What's this?
My neighbour's son is a big fan.
He wanted a signed photograph.
That okay?
Erm, well, sure.
Thanks. He'll be thrilled.
I need my neighbour to owe me a favour.
My husband's pressuring for a gazebo.
-Okay, about the Twitter thing?
-Hmm.
Twitter, Twitter, Twitter.
What can you do?
Well, yes. What can I do?
Exactly. What can anyone do?
Well, are you worried about?
The tweet? About me?
-Are you worried about it?
-No, of course not.
Really? Good. That's a relief.
-A relief?
-Yeah, Big load-off. Thanks.
-So, you are worried?
-Not now, you've reassured me.
Quite honestly, I was bricking it.
You haven't touched your food.
But, er, yeah, no, but
in the unlikely event that,
you know there's
any kind of a problem
This is Madeline.
Yeah, neighbour's son, big fan.
Can you get her to sign it?
Well, she doesn't like this
picture. She regretted it.
She prefers to look more serious.
It's his favourite photo, though.
He's got hundreds of them
in his bedroom,
but that's the one under his pillow.
He's got underpants with that
photo on them. Underpants.
I don't think she'll be happy
signing this photo for a child.
He's 38.
- Is that Madeline Crow?
- Yes.
You okay?
Yeah.
-Did you find that thing about the joke?
-Yep.
Did you find out what the joke was?
No.
So what was the joke at the wedding?
The misogynist joke?
If it wasn't misogynist, it was sexist.
-Are those different?
-Well, of course, they're different.
-What, so there's misogyny and sexism now?
-Yes.
How am I supposed
to remember two things?
-Look, about this joke
-Yeah. What was it?
I don't actually remember it.
-Yeah, but seriously.
-I'm being serious.
But it was probably
just one of usual ones, yeah.
My usual ones?
Your usual misogynist ones?
It was sexist, not misogynist.
Look, my point is, in the
event that anything happens,
if anyone says anything
or accuses me of anything,
-what do we do?
-Oh, simple, piece of piss.
There's a whole
agency playbook for that.
Okay.
-Well, we release a carefully worded statement.
-Saying what?
Well, apologising, obviously,
expressing remorse, obviously.
-Yes, obviously.
-And then explaining with great regret,
this agency is now severing its
connection with Douglas Bellowes
following his recent
unacceptable remarks.
How does that help me?
-In the global sense.
-The global sense?
Well, someone has to
take one for the team.
-What team?
-Team you and me.
-And it's me.
-Well, you're the misogynist.
No, I'm the sexist!
Look, it won't come to it,
but I'll draft something this evening,
run it by you.
You can put a quote in.
Thanks.
Anyway, let's not dwell on it.
It's too depressing.
So
-Jason Wellings' dead?
-Yes.
-Cancer?
-Yes.
Was it the bad kind?
Yes.
-Do you mind?
-No, no, go ahead.
-Toby?
-It's gone nuclear.
- What has?
- The tweet.
What happened?
Are you in a restaurant? If so,
please step away from the table.
What happened?
Madeline.
And Madeline and Douglas, join me now.
Such a success Live At Six has been.
You must be thrilled.
-We're absolutely over the moon.
-Absolutely, yeah.
-It's been fantastic.
-Incredible.
So how did you two first meet,
was it on the show?
Er, well, it would have been
just before, I guess,
- I probably
- Yeah, yeah.
- Probably auditioned you.
- No, he did not audition me.
- Well, probably
- You did not.
Okay, we'll stop that right there.
So, did he offer you any advice?
Oh, he's never stopped.
He's at that age, though, isn't he,
you know, he just goes on and on.
I think he keeps going
when I'm not in the room.
Yeah, just an old
granddad, really, droning on.
That's That's true.
So, what was the first piece
of advice he gave you?
Erm, he told me it was worth it.
Er, this job. He told me,
whatever you have to wade through,
this job is, er, is worth it.
Why are you watching this?
Oh, hi.
Did I say that?
I don't remember.
Sorry. It was in your
saved programmes.
You were outside in the car.
I thought maybe you were working
or on the phone or some shit.
Didn't know you'd still be here.
Oh, just passing the time.
Oh, well, I'm kind of busy tonight.
-Well, I could cook for you.
-I'll get a takeaway.
Oh, you don't need to.
I know I don't.
But I'm going to.
Oh, okay.
It's just, you know,
-busy, busy.
-Yeah.
-Well, I'll just, you know
-I'll see you.
-Right, well, I'll call you.
-Okay.
-Or text you?
-Yeah. Text.
Right, well, listen,
-hey, thanks for, you know
-It's fine.
Yeah. Yeah.
Did I say that?
I don't remember saying that.
- Yeah, you said it.
- "Wade"?
- Did I say "Wade"?
- Yep. You said "Wade".
Was he right?
Was it worth the wade?
Madeline?
I'll let you know.
Okay, I'm off home
for the rest of the evening.
Are we okay with page two?
No, but yes.
Tell Trevor something positive.
Anything specific?
God, no, he might believe you.
There's a budget Zoom in 10
Call me if there's anything
urgent or funny.
Do you want to stay for the Zoom?
-Preferably funny.
-You missed the last two.
Sheila!
Helen, you loitering for me?
Erm
You know that Twitter thing
that I was going to tell you about.
What you were going to tell me about?
Erm, the thing about your husband
and the joke at the wedding?
What you were going to tell
me about, and apparently didn't?
At the last minute,
erm, I internalised it.
What in the name of God's
holy arse, was the point of that?
Somnia said I should internalise
when I'm feeling frightened of you.
Somnia, who the arsing tit-wank
is Somnia?
HR.
Are you okay?
Everything's fine, is it?
Erm, she used to be called Anita,
but she's sort of re-imagined herself.
Anita Varma.
-It's not Varma anymore.
-Okay.
She's, erm, moved on
from her patronymic.
Right, good.
So about my husband on Twitter,
what's he done now?
Are you internalising again?
Are you allowed to say out loud
if you are internalising?
Right.
Now listen.
It's okay for you to say
anything you like to me.
You are my PA,
and it would be really, really
helpful if you could speak.
I promise to break
eye contact on request
and will never sustain it
for more than 30 seconds.
Can you just tell me,
with my assurance of your
complete personal safety,
about my husband on Twitter.
Erm
Yeah, so he was at a wedding
and someone heard him
make a sexist joke.
-Which one?
-Probably just one of his usual ones.
Which wedding?
Oh, erm, it was three days ago.
Donald's? Oh, God,
he was so pissed.
But I only left him alone
for 20 minutes.
If he's got himself in trouble
again, that's his look-out.
Let me know if anyone here
wants to write about it.
It's got worse, though.
Worse? How?
Madeline.
Fuck's sake. Why would
she do that? I mean, why?
Well, technically,
she was defending you.
She retweeted it.
She retweeted that bloody tweet.
Yeah, because she was commenting on it.
"Don't believe this.
Not my co-presenter."
In the process, obviously,
yes, she retweeted it.
She's got about
half a million followers.
No, she's got two million.
Okay, so that's two million
people who have now seen it,
who would never have noticed it
if she'd just left it alone.
Yes.
Two million?
I've got one and a half.
It is not, at this precise
moment, a competition.
- My wife's calling.
- Talk to her.
Yeah, in a bit. If she's seen
it, she'll still be shouting.
Yeah, right now, Douglas,
I'm not worried about the shouting.
I'm worried about her newspaper.
-I got to run.
-No problem.
Is that my food?
Didn't think you wanted it.
Mmm.
Sorry I can't get
to the phone right now.
Please leave a message after the beep.
Douglas, can you just call me back?
This is my fourth message.
I've stopped shouting.
I just want to know what's going on.
Also, for the love of God,
please delete these messages.
I work with people who hack your phone.
Fuck's sake.
Claudia!
Claudia?
Hey, Mum.
Hey, listen, darling,
you've left the front door open again.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
I'm just telling you,
you've left it open.
Yes, I know.
Don't worry about it.
The subject is closed.
It will be closed, Claudia,
when the front door is closed.
Why?
Because you keep leaving it open
and I'm not happy about that.
Why?
-Because it's important.
-Why?
Because people
might come into the house.
-What people?
-I don't know.
Exactly. Jesus! Calm down.
Darling, please, this is for
your own personal safety.
-Oh, my safety?
-Yes.
Oh, is it dangerous out there?
Does this mean I won't
be allowed outside now?
Of course you're allowed outside.
Well, if it's safe for me to be outside,
why isn't it safe
to leave the door open?
Claudia, there's a lot of
valuable stuff in this house
and surprisingly enough,
we don't want it stolen.
Oh, so it's all about your possessions,
and who cares if I get raped?
Please, can you stop finding a reason to
argue with me every single time we speak?
Stop criticising me!
Oh, Claudia, please,
can it not be like this?
Not every single time we talk.
Oh, now you're gonna cry.
You always start crying, Mum.
Stop doing that to me.
I'm not doing anything to you!
Stop shouting!
-Hey.
-Dad,
somebody left the front door open
and Mum just assumes it was me.
Because it was you.
Let it go, Mum.
-Drink?
-Oh, please. God, yes.
Give me wine or give me death.
She never stops.
She goes at me all the time.
Like just looking at me
sends her into a rage.
The minute we make eye contact,
her shoulders flex.
They just sort of pop up
like an emergency life jacket.
She's 19.
Sometimes she follows me to the loo,
stands outside the door
and just keeps going.
I am critiqued sitting on the loo.
Yeah, she's kind of intense
at the moment.
I flushed while she was talking.
She called it a micro-aggression.
Mmm.
You're not reading your emails again.
Someone from Hay wants to talk to you.
-Does that make sense?
-Mmm.
The Hay Festival. I told you,
I'm doing an interview.
What about?
Well, me, I hopefully, I don't
really know about anything else.
No, but seriously, what's it about?
It's not about anything.
Well, keep it that way.
No opinions.
-People might be listening.
-Might be?
Opinions are blood in the water.
Dare to be bland.
What's wrong with my opinions?
You don't have opinions, darling.
You're just cross
at whatever's available.
Okay, bland. I'll be bland.
Bland is good.
Bland survives.
Anyway. Madeline.
What the hell is Madeline up to?
Look, in fairness,
she was just being supportive.
Oh, no, come on,
you're not going to defend her.
She commented on the tweet
in my defence, look.
And by commenting on the tweet,
she retweeted the tweet
to two million people,
most of whom would never have seen it
any other way, some of whom are press.
Can you believe she's got
two million followers?
Yes.
Okay, then the papers.
What do you think?
Would your lot bother with this?
-Dunno. Don't think so.
-Well, you're the editor.
I can't play favourites.
I can see it on page five
if it's a slow day.
Cheer up.
There might be an atrocity.
Well, there's a war. There's
flooding every second Wednesday.
-There's a climate crisis.
-I mean a proper atrocity.
Someone off Blue Peter
having a wank on webcam.
-Oh, for Christ's sake.
-A drive-by deadnaming.
A A royal being
slightly off-hand to a minority.
There is still actual news
in the world, isn't there?
I mean, things are still happening.
Or did it all just stop,
and I didn't notice,
Darling, there is all the human misery
and suffering
a journalist could wish for,
but we live in a world
where a newsreader's arse
can push a war off the front page,
and you, my dear, like it or not,
are in possession
of a newsreader's arse.
Handle it with care.
According to Toby, my voice
is an instrument of death.
Is it my arse now?
They're both good, honey.
Just remember which one to talk out of.
-Madeline was not defending you.
-Of course she was.
-We're friends.
-No, you're colleagues.
We're on the same side.
We're a team.
Look at what she actually said.
Yeah, Look at it. "Don't believe
this. Not my co-presenter."
So she's saying she doesn't believe
her co-presenter behaved like that
because she knows him so well.
Exactly. That's good.
Or she's describing your
behaviour as unbelievable
and saying she no longer
wants you as her co-presenter.
Do you think?
Headline, "Not my co-presenter,"
says Madeline Crow.
Photo of you, one of the blurry
ones where you look a bit drunk,
we have seven.
Next to that, a photo of Madeline,
shiny hair, blowjob-eyes.
We've got exactly 12 million.
Sub header. "Douglas
Bellowes blasted for sexist joke".
You see?
First impact.
It's sexy Madeline,
who's blasting blurry Douglas.
Of course, when you read the
article, we clarify the actual blasting
comes from some guy online
who no one cares about,
but our work is done
because, my darling,
here's the big, big secret.
No one reads the article.
They're all too busy
tweeting angry opinions
about whatever conclusion
they've just jumped to.
Outrage is exciting.
Nuance is work.
Douglas is cancelled.
Well, I mean, it takes
more than one article.
Of course it doesn't.
Well, what happened
to the presumption of innocence?
It's too slow for the news cycle.
Okay, but seriously,
would you run with this?
I don't think so.
I don't think anyone will.
There's not enough to it,
but fair play to Madeline,
-she's given it her best shot.
-She didn't do it on purpose.
She was just ambiguous.
That's not ambiguity.
That's plausible deniability.
Madeline's not like that.
Is she?
Is she like that?
I don't know Madeline.
I only see her on the telly.
All I know about Madeline is you
talking about her all the bloody time?
-Of course you know her.
-We never speak.
Every time I walk into a room,
she walks straight out.
Heads for the door like a missile.
Whoosh, slam, gone.
I'd think the two of you
were having an affair
if it wasn't for the saggy tits.
Oh, she hasn't got saggy tits.
I was thinking of yours.
Apparently you weren't.
I wasn't thinking of Madeline's tits.
-Actually, you were.
-Not that way.
-What way, then? Ironically?
-No, I just
Have you noticed that every conversation
always ends up being about Madeline?
Why is everything about her?
What does Madeline think?
What's Madeline done today? Why
you're cross about Madeline this time?
No, don't smile at me.
You were fighting.
-No, we weren't.
-I heard you shouting.
No, you didn't.
We barely raised our voices.
Oh, are you keeping something secret?
We're not fighting, darling.
You are. I can tell.
I can always tell,
and don't lie,
I've already got anxiety today.
-Oh, Christ.
-Okay.
We were fighting just a little bit,
but on the same side,
against someone else who isn't here.
-So we're taking it out on each other.
-Mmm.
-It's called marriage.
-Mmm.
Was it about Madeline?
Jesus, Madeline.
-Why would it be Madeline?
-Mum calls her names.
- No, I don't.
- What names?
-Thin.
-Thin's not a name, thin's a description.
-You always say it.
-She's always thin.
-Are you fighting about the tweet?
-Er
-The tweet?
-Yeah. I saw it.
Which one? Which tweet?
About Dad's sexist joke.
The one he told
at Uncle Rapey's wedding.
-Uncle Donald.
-Uncle Rapey. I've told you.
About what?
His inappropriate language around women.
He's not being inappropriate.
He's just being funny.
It's not funny to make women
feel sexually menaced.
-Sexually menaced by Donald?
-Yes.
-Who's gay?
-Yes.
Who three days ago got married
to another man who's also gay
so they could be gay together
in a gay marriage
and continue to show no sexual interest
in women for the rest of their gay lives?
You felt sexually menaced
by a man who's never
had a sexual impulse
towards a woman in his entire gay life?
-Okay, boomer.
-Sorry, just trying to point out how gay works.
Oh, it's so good to be mansplained.
I'm mansplaining a man,
that's got to be legitimate.
Mum, can I talk to Dad?
Oh, go ahead.
-In private.
-This is private.
No, it isn't.
Claudia, anything you want to say
to me, you can say to your mother.
Forget it.
Help yourself.
I could do with some time off.
Oh, that's right.
Just walk out on me.
You asked me to go away!
Exactly!
-Good luck, darling.
-Hmm.
Dad, what was the joke at the wedding?
-I don't know.
-The misogynist joke.
-It wasn't misogynist. It was sexist.
-Same thing.
-No, it's really not.
-What was the joke, Dad?
Sexism can be prejudicial behaviour
against either sex,
whereas misogyny is only
Dad, the joke, what was it?
I don't remember.
Is that true? Or are you just saying
that because you're embarrassed
and you don't want me
to know what you said?
No, no. I'm not just saying
that. I really don't remember.
Okay.
What's wrong?
People at uni are asking about it.
Well, how do they even know about it?
Some of them follow Madeline.
Also, I'm part of a student
think tank monitoring the impact
of media celebrities on minorities.
-Especially women.
-Well, women aren't a minority.
Of course they're a minority,
they're the main one.
Well, there are more women than men.
-That's a majority.
-Dad, take this seriously.
-Sorry. Did you say think tank?
-Yes. Think tank.
Is there an actual tank
or do you just meet in a bar?
We meet in a seminar room,
on a weekly basis,
-which we book.
-Okay.
-Not a bar, Dad.
-Okay. Sorry.
-None of us drink, actually.
-Okay, good for you.
Have you considered starting?
Look. you could get cancelled.
Do you understand that?
I don't want that to happen, Dad.
I really don't.
It would destroy me.
-And me.
-Yeah, and you.
Listen, I don't remember what I said,
but whatever it was,
it really wasn't that bad.
-Promise?
-Promise.
Not lying?
I'm not lying, what
I don't lie to you.
When do I lie to you?
-You're my daughter.
-And an activist.
You're my daughter first.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
And an activist.
And I'm your father before anything.
Please remember that.
Oh, trust me, Dad, nobody's
forgetting about the patriarchy.
Oh, Jesus, Claudia
No, I'm just trying to look out for you.
I'm trying to protect you.
Claudia, believe me,
I'm all over this, I really am.
As it happens between you
and me, Father to daughter,
your daft old dad really, really
doesn't wanna get himself cancelled.
And Dad,
I really, really don't wanna
have to cancel you.
That's
Nice.
That's nice to hear.
Sorry to pull you in so late.
-It's a little bit urgent.
-No, it's okay.
Take a seat.
Have you been briefed?
-Er, no.
-No, don't worry. I will brief you.
So, er, Douglas, you know Douglas,
-Douglas Bellowes?
-Yeah.
-Yeah. You worked with him?
-Well, yeah.
Yeah. Douglas needs
an emergency joke.
A what?
He needs a very specific emergency joke,
and I need you to provide it.
-A joke?
-Yeah. Listen.
At a recent wedding, one, I must stress,
in no way affiliated to Live At 6,
Douglas Bellowes
was overheard telling a joke
which may have been accidentally sexist.
-Okay, but why
-Listen, just listen.
Douglas can't remember the joke,
and so far no one has quoted it.
So this is what we call
in the news business
an opportunity to get ahead of the facts
and decide what the joke
might have been.
Oh, you mean I make something up?
No, no, not make something up.
No, not exactly.
It's just that sometimes
when the facts are a little hazy,
we need to provide our audience
with clear, directed information
that, as far as possible,
reflects the truth
without actually being it.
Okay.
So what I need from you
is a joke sexist enough
to cause comment on Twitter,
-but not so sexist that it will end Douglas' career.
-Erm
It has to be right on that borderline
between "offensive to women"
and "charming and sexy".
We really need to dial in
on the precise level of misogyny
that will shock but mostly titillate
Douglas's demographic
of reasonably educated,
marginally self-loathing housewives.
And he's gonna need some support on air
through an earpiece
for tomorrow night's show
in case he's asked about this.
He might need
a few spontaneous one-liners,
and I am confident that
you are the man for the job.
Why?
Well, because I've been assured
you're our top comedy guy.
-Have you signed the NDA?
-No.
No? Why not?
Well, because I'm your driver.
They asked me to bring him in.
I've been your driver for eight years.
Yeah, well, yeah.
Yeah, I know that. Erm
It's just you're usually
facing the other way.
How's the missus?
Dead.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Sorry.
I do beg your pardon.
Er, bit of a mix-up.
Nobody's fault.
I thought you were the driver.
Oh, okay.
I wasn't being racist.
Moira, I think I'm gonna need an NDA.
It's all over Twitter.
Thanks to bloody Madeline
it's every bloody place.
Do you think Claudia's
a bit strange these days?
-I wouldn't say strange.
-No?
I'd say frightening.
-No, I'm serious.
-So am I.
It's like we've lost her to a cult.
We've lost her to a university.
It's similar,
but you still have to do their laundry.
I'm gonna tell Madeline
to take down the tweet.
Oh, it's too late for that.
Deleting it will only draw
more attention.
Well, then she can delete the lot.
She can close down her account.
She seems to spend all day online.
It's time she rejoined the human race.
First thing tomorrow, I'm telling her.
Deleting her account will
not make a useful difference.
Well, maybe not,
but it will make a point.
It'll draw a line.
No one is turning
my daughter against me!
Okay.
What do you mean, "Okay"?
I said okay.
It means okay.
-You paused.
-Sorry?
Before "okay" there was a pause.
I know what that pause means.
What does it mean?
Nothing.
It doesn't mean anything.
It means you've been angry
with Madeline before.
You've been shouting about
Madeline all over this house.
You threw a juice carton
out of the window once,
it was stuck in the tree
for over a year.
Well, I'm angry again.
And then off you go to see Madeline,
and you're really gonna
sort her out this time,
and something happens.
-What happens?
-I don't know.
But you come back home
and you're all calm again,
and you explain that you
and Madeline have had a chat
and everything's all fine.
Nothing to worry about.
All smiles.
-Until the next time.
-Okay. Well, the
How does she do that?
I can spend all night
trying to calm you down,
never works.
How does Madeline do it?
What exactly happens when the two
of you have one of your little chats?
We just talk, okay?
For God's sake.
I completely believe you.
You talk.
Okay, fair enough.
Talk about what?
How does Madeline always
get you back on side?
How does she do it?
Is she magic?
She's not getting me
back on side this time.
Okay.
Morgan, I need you
to concentrate on jokes
about Twitter,
for Douglas. Okay?
All over that.
-He needs to sound relaxed. Witty, good sport.
Give me an example.
Is that it?
Has the joke happened,
because I don't think I laughed.
It's not your fault.
Comedy's hard.
-Oh! Douglas!
-Sorry, I need to speak to Madeline!
Douglas!
- Just a moment.
- Madeline.
-Just a moment.
-I need to talk to you.
Nearly finished.
Nearly finished. Nearly
-Nearly, nearly, nearly
-Madeline.
nearly, nearly, nearly
One second
One Second
All yours.
-Madeline
-Oh, look at your face.
You must be wondering
what the hell is going on.
Oh, I'm fairly clear
on one thing that's going on,
-and that's the fact that you
-Shut it.
I'm sorry.
The door. Shut it.
Idea for a new sitcom in six parts.
Four parts.