Drake and Josh (2004) s01e01 Episode Script

My name is Drake Parker.
I'm Josh Nichols.
I should probably be doin' my homework.
I'm just doin' a little homework here.
But it's more fun to do this.
Man, I'm thirsty.
- Man, I'm thirsty.
I live here with my mom and my little sister Megan.
I got a great family, even though it's just me and my dad.
.
I love that guy.
I love girls.
So my mom's been datin' this guy.
So my dad's been dating this woman.
.
She's really great.
He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school.
She has a son that goes to my school.
Drake.
- Josh.
It's not that I have anything against Josh.
I really don't know Drake all that well.
But he seems kinda.
.
- But he seems kinda.
.
Okay.
Unusual.
Drake! Hey mom.
Mr.
Nichols.
.
Wat happened? I heard screaming.
It's alright, son, there's nothin' to mop here.
Josh.
.
What are you.
.
what are you doing here? Wh-what's he doing here? Tell 'im! Wait.
.
Uh, Drake, quick, go get your sister.
Megan! Ughh, are they done sucking face, yet? Kids.
.
Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now and.
.
we have some news! You bought me a dirt bike? No.
.
we're getting married! - We're getting married! You're getting ma-ma-mar.
.
Yeah, we're gonna be one big 'ole happy family! Wait.
.
wait.
.
you mean.
.
he's gonna be-be my-my stepfather? And you! You're gonna be my.
.
He's gonna be my.
.
Hug me, brother! Drake? Josh is downstairs.
Oh really? 'Cause I was just writin' a song about him.
It's called: "I'm not sharing my room with Josh".
Look, I know this is gonna be a big adjustment.
But I need you to give this a chance.
But mom, he's goofy, he's clammy.
.
Hiya, Drake! He's here.
.
I brought you some licorice.
the red kind.
I know some people like th black kind.
.
But I thought I'd play it safe and.
.
Mom, don't do this to me.
I shoulda got the black kind, right? Have a good time, boys.
Wow, cool room! Check out the bed! Wait, wait! No, n-n-n-n-no! Dude, these sheets match my jamies! So, where are you gonna sleep? There! I sleep there! You sleep on the couch.
The couch? I don't know, I have lumbar problems.
Man, how much junk did you bring? Who reads the school newspaper? I do, it's good.
It's stupid.
Ooh, look.
.
A poem by janitor Jones: The toilet.
Don't soil it.
That's clever.
- Right.
Oh, and here's the worst: Miss Nancy's advice column.
What a load.
A load o' good! I think Miss Nancy gives great advice.
Whatever, man.
I'm gonna go play some hoops.
Uh, Drake? When will you be back? I don't know.
.
A few hours? Good.
I.
.
mean.
.
have fun with the hoops and what not.
Now it's my turn to kiss you.
Now it's my turn to kiss you.
Now it's my turn to throw up.
Don't you have something to do? Yeah, I'm gonna go play some ball.
Well did you ask your brother if he wants to play? You know mom.
.
I really don't think Josh is the basketball type.
Sure he is! I taught him myself.
Here, toss me the rock.
Think fast! Lamps don't think that fast.
Just go ask Josh to play.
Hey, Josh.
You don't want to go play some basketba.
.
I can explain! I can explain! Mom! Josh is dressed like a freak! I can explain! Why are you dressed like Queen Latifah? Because I.
.
I.
.
Oh, I can't tell you! Mom! Josh is dressed like.
.
- Shh! Alright! I'll tell you, but you gotta swear to keep it a secret.
Fine, I swear.
Now talk.
Alright.
.
I'm uh.
.
I'm.
.
Miss.
.
Nanchh.
.
What? I'm Miss Nancy, okay? I am.
.
Miss Nancy.
Wait.
.
From the advice column? From the school newspaper? You're Miss Nancy? - Yes.
Quit laughing.
Being Miss Nancy's very important to me.
I help people with their problems.
You can't help people by wearing pants? You don't understand.
I need the dress.
I-I can't write good advice without wearing it.
You want some good advice? Stop dressin' like a lady! If dressin' like a lady helps me help others, then dress like a lady I shall! Dear Miss Nancy, - Hey that-- Give me that! My boyfriend doesn't understand me.
He's never romantic.
I wish he would just bring me flowers, or write me poems, or cook me romantic dinners.
That's for Miss Nancy's eyes only! - Wait a second.
.
Purple ink? Dots her i's with little hearts? This letter is from Tiffany Margolis.
Quit sniffin' my mail! Dude, Tiffany Margolis is like the hottest girl in school.
But, hey.
.
She's not happy with her boyfriend.
What are you thinking.
.
What are you thinking?! Poor Tiffany.
.
So sad.
.
So lonely.
.
Sooo hott.
Yeah.
.
I think I can help her.
No.
.
No, I'm not gonna let you use my letter for your own selfish desires.
Fine, then I'll just tell the whole world that my new stepbrother Josh Nichols.
.
is the real live Miss Nancy.
You're not that evil.
People of the world, listen up! Josh Nichols is Miss Na.
.
Hey! Hey! My spine! My spine! You can't tell people I'm Miss Nancy.
You'll ruin everything! Fine.
Then don't stop me from "helping" Tiffany.
Deal? Alright.
.
- Alright? Alright.
Are those real? - Stop that! Beauty.
.
Beauty.
.
Rhymes with.
.
snooty? No.
.
Fruity! No.
.
Beauty.
.
- What are you writing? Oh nothin', just a poem.
You write poetry? - I know.
.
It's dumb.
No, no.
.
I don't think it's dumb at all.
Is this for a class? - Naw, it's for a person.
Well it would be for a person if I had a person for it to be for.
I better go.
I gotta go download a recipe off the internet.
A recipe? You cook? When I'm not picking flowers.
Listen, uh.
.
Tiffany.
- Drake.
I don't know if you're doin' anything Friday night.
- I'm not.
Really? Maybe I could cook you some dinner? - That would be nice.
So it's a date? So.
.
it is.
- Cool.
See ya.
That was too easy.
Evil.
Evil! Drake, Josh, your dinner's on the table.
Okay.
- Thanks! No way! What's the whole reason you do your Miss Nancy advice column? To help people with their problems and/or issues.
So, if I buy Tiffany some flowers, write her a couple poems, and cook her a nice romantic dinner.
.
that will solve her problem, won't it? Wait.
.
You know how to cook? No.
.
But I hear you do.
- No! No, no sir, I'm not cooking dinner for Tiffany.
I know who Miss Nancy is! I know who Miss Nancy is! Okay! Alright, I'll cook the dinner.
Hand-licker! Come on, let's eat.
That's mine! That's mine! The hose! - What hose? The hose! - What hose? The window! Drake, this ravioli is amazing.
What's it called? Oh, well.
.
Well you know it's.
.
It's ravioli from a.
.
from a llama I've never heard of it.
- Neither've I.
Who's that? - Josh! Hi.
I know you.
.
You go to our school, right? Yeah.
Ac-actually we're stepbrothers and Josh isn't supposed to be here right now.
I can't stay in the kitchen forever.
- Why not? I have to use the little boy's room.
There's a sink, in the kitchen.
Josh, did you try some of this ravioli that Drake made? It's incredible.
Oh, is it? Now, tell me Drake.
.
How do you make it? You know, it-it's really time for dessert.
Tiffany, I'll take your plate.
You know, your stepbrother is really something.
- Yeah, he's somethin' alright.
I mean, he's so sensitive, you know? The flowers, the poetry, this awesome dinner.
Man my boyfriend never does any of this stuff.
- I know.
I mean.
.
I know what you mean.
Who's that? - I don't know.
Alright, alright, I'm coming.
Buck! - Hi.
So! It's true! - What?.
.
That I have a concussion? I turn my back for five seconds and you're out on a date with.
.
With this clown?! - Trouble.
.
Breathing! I can date whoever I want! - Yeah? Well you can't date a guy with no head! You're hamburger meat.
You understand me? I'm a vegetarian! - Monday.
.
3 'o clock.
You and me.
Have an ambulance ready.
That was so romantic.
And dessert is here.
Josh I thought you had to pee.
Done.
How could you get me into a fight with Buck? This is my fault? - Let me think.
.
Yes.
You realize he's gonna destroy me.
- He's not gonna destroy you.
He's huge.
.
And stupid.
That's a baaad combination.
You're right.
.
He's gonna kill you.
Hey, can I have your computer? Oh, I can't fight Buck.
He'll hurt me in so many ways.
.
What am I gonna do? I got it! Uh, hey dude.
Take a break.
How can I help you? - I need you to make me an expert in karate.
.
by tomorrow.
Gentlemen! Learn karate.
.
it takes years of intense training! Can't you just give 'im a one day crash course? - No! Karate is in here.
.
Not in here.
Sometimes in here.
.
One time in here, but that was after I swallowed the box of Funcakes.
What? Do I have something in my teeth? No! Look, I got 48 hours, you gonna teach me karate or what? I am sorry boys, I can do nothing for you.
We'll give you 30 bucks cash.
Let the training begin! Left! Right! What's up? Who's the little girl now?! I did it! Thanks, thanks! Not comfortable with the hugging! - Sorry.
You think he's ready? - As ready as 30 bucks will get him.
So, you boys like chicken tenders How ya feel? - Good, Strong.
Awesome, but don't get overconfident.
This guy is big, tough, and stupid.
So remember the plan.
Right.
Go over it again.
You jab, you kick and you stay away from him.
Make him keep comin' after you.
Eventually he'll get tired and you'll.
.
That's my boy.
You ready? You bet.
- Good.
.
Here comes Buck.
Hope you have an ambulance standing by.
- Yeah I do, for you! Talk's cheap.
- 40 Quadlers on the newcomer.
Remember the plan.
- Right.
I jab, I punch, and stay away from him until he gets tired.
And then he's my little girl.
Do it! You ready? - Oh yeah baby, come on.
.
Come on Tiff.
Let's go get some sorbet.
Oh, Buck.
Where is it? Where'd you put it? Thought you weren't ever talkin' to me again.
I have to write my Miss Nancy advice column.
Now where is my dress? I hid it.
That's it! You are the worst stepbrother ever! Harsh.
I'm gonna go make myself a sandwich.
You give me the dress or I will unleash 30 dollars worth o' karate on you! No.
- Man! Look, I'm trying to do something nice.
You said yourself you hated dressing up like a woman.
So? So you don't need the dress to give good advice.
I told you I do! - You don't.
Give me my dress! - No.
Give me my dress! - Nope.
Drake! - Question.
.
if somebody told you that they had to wear a dress to give good advice.
.
what would you say? - I don't know! What would you say?! - Drake, I.
.
What would you say?! - I'd say that's ridiculous! I'd say.
.
Good advice comes from the heart and from what's inside you.
.
not the clothes you wear.
- That's stupid.
It's not stupid.
- Yeah it is, that's stupid advice.
It's good advice! I'm sorry, what'd you say? - I said: It's good advice! Guess what Josh?.
.
Looks like you just gave some good advice and I don't see you wearin' any dress.
Holy.
.
You're right.
- I know.
I gave good advice.
.
While wearing pants! Praise be the pants.
I never have to dress like a freakish man-lady again! Oh, Drake! Sorry.
.
I forgot you're not comfortable with the hugging.
Thanks.
Look, man.
.
I'm sorry I got you into this whole thing with Buck an-and the black eye.
It's okay.
I know you didn't mean to.
And listen.
.
I'm sorry that I said you were a bad stepbrother.
.
I didn't mean that.
Still friends? Friends? No way, man.
We're brothers.
May I? Hug me, brother! I can't believe you were going on a date with a wimp like that.
Oh, I wasn't on a date with him.
I was on a date with hím.
Oh, Buck.
.
Buck.
.
It was nothing, you know.
.
It was.
.
Is he tired yet?