Dummy (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
["Bad Girls"
by Donna Summer playing]
♪
Toot, toot, hey, beep, beep ♪
Toot, toot, hey, beep, beep ♪
Toot, toot,
hey, beep, beep ♪
Hey, babe, are these expired?
Beep, beep ♪
Bad girls ♪
Talkin' 'bout ♪
Still got it, you fucking slut.
Sad girls ♪
Okay, so, what if I'm, like,
a flight attendant,
and we're on this long-haul
international flight,
and you're, like
you're, like, this, like,
handsy, entitled first-class passenger?
- Oh, yeah. So, wait.
So, I'm grabbing you, like,
in front of everyone, or?
- Um No. Okay, good point.
Maybe it's like, you know, uh
Like, "Sir, you can't be
back here in the cockpit.
"Or the vestibule thing
"where the flight attendants hang out.
Whatever that's called."
- So it's kind of like,
"Uh, excuse me, miss.
I'm gonna need you to warm up these nuts."
- [exhales] Oh, I hated that.
- Ooh.
- I'm never gonna fuck you again.
How do you have two Emmys for writing?
- What are you talking about?
We both know
you wouldn't date me
if I didn't have those Emmys.
- That is not true.
That's so mean.
I am not dating you for Emmys.
I am dating you because
you have a really nice house
and I really hate my apartment.
["Next to You"
by Sam Evian playing]
I can feel your shadow ♪
I just wanna be next to you ♪
What is this, like
sequin glitter thing?
- Uh it's probably
from one of your, uh
- Where'd this even come from?
I don't fuck with glitter, man.
What? Like
Oh, did you go to a strip club
or something?
- What? No!
- No, I-I
We've been to strip clubs.
I have no problem
with strip clubs.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
No, I haven't been to a strip club.
I haven't been to any
- Okay.
Then are you cheating on me?
- No. Oh, my God. I'm not cheating on you.
- [laughs]
Okay, well, this is weird.
Where did this?
- I have a sex doll.
- You what?
- I have a sex doll.
That I barely ever even
use, and, uh
- Oh.
- There's this one dress with sparkles.
- Yeah, okay.
- That probably one fell off, maybe.
- Yeah.
- And, um
- No, that's totally fine. Um
- Well, it-it
it doesn't seem like it's fine with you.
- No. No. I'm just, uh
I'm-I'm just processing.
- I didn't tell you about it,
I didn't think
to tell you about it
'cause it's it's no big deal.
I mean, it's like porn or something.
- Yeah.
No. [chuckles]
- It's a Fleshlight with boobs
that I got off of a Japanese website.
- Ooh. She's from Japan.
Very international woman.
- [exhales]
- Is her name Kimiko?
- Oh, my God.
- Is she hotter than me?
Like, be honest. Like, if she's hot
- Cody. Cody.
- If Kimiko's hotter than me
- Now you're mocking me.
- [chuckles]
Sorry. I'm not trying to kink-shame you.
I'm sorry
if that's what it felt like.
- No, no, no.
- I have a million fetishes.
I love this part of our relationship.
I love that we do
all this weird shit together.
[laughs]
Really.
I love that.
Can I just see her?
- No.
- Why not?
- It's my private gross thing.
Like the shit you took this morning.
And I know you took a shit this
morning because we have honesty.
I don't know what color it was
because of privacy.
- Okay.
I mean, obviously, brown.
- You
- I hear you.
This is a boundary.
It's all good. We're all good.
[exhales]
We're good.
Guns are pointed at everyone ♪
But together we're better off ♪
- You still want to, uh?
- Um
I don't know, I'm kind of tired.
- Tired enough for
sexy autopsy?
- Yeah, okay.
So, am I, like, a pretty corpse,
or am I, like, all fucked-up?
- You're fucked-up.
- Okay.
- [snoring]
- Baby.
Dan.
Dan? You're snoring.
Can you roll on your side, please?
- [snoring continues]
- [exhales]
[groans]
[urinating]
[farts]
[toilet flushes]
[intriguing music playing]
[music stops]
WOMAN [whispers]:
Hey!
- Hello?
WOMAN:
Psst!
I'm in here.
I can hear you.
I know you're out there.
You breathe, like, really heavy.
Hey!
Sup?
[intriguing music playing]
- Um
Kimiko?
- Who's Kimiko?
- Holy shit. Oh, um
Well, I mean, I
I, like, jokingly named you Kimi Kimiko
'cause you were made in Japan.
- Oh, my God.
That's, like, really fucking racist.
- Oh, n I mean
Like, I only said it
in front of Dan, so
- Okay. Well,
that doesn't make it any better.
Uh, anyway, hi.
[laughs]
Hello. I'm Barbara.
Barbara Himmelbaum-Harmon.
- Barbara. Okay.
Barbara, sorry. I'm so sorry.
- It's okay. It's fine.
It's fine, girl.
Actually, you know what?
There is something you could do
that would really help me out.
Just so that you can make it up
to me because you're racist
and that was really offensive.
So, I have, like, a ton of Dan's splooge
dried up inside of me.
- What?
- Yeah.
[laughs]
It's so cute.
Dan comes inside of me
a lot, and then, like, I think
he gets so caught up in the passion
that he actually forgets to wash me.
Like, he'll wipe the outside
of me with a T-shirt sometimes,
- but he doesn't even always do that.
- What? Oh, my God.
- Look. Girl, look how crusty it is.
- Fuck, gross!
- I know, right?
You would do me, like,
a huge favor if you'd wash me.
- No! No. Dude, absolutely not.
I I can't move you.
He can't even know that I saw you.
Like, fuck.
Our whole, like,
mission statement as a couple
is, like, honesty and no lies,
and I've totally invaded
his privacy already. Fuck!
- Right. Like, I hear you,
but do you really want him
to fuck you with his dick
after it's been inside
this crusty pussy?
- Oh, Jesus Christ, Barbara!
I don't know.
Like, he takes showers or whatever.
- Yeah, but you can't shower an infection
out of the dickhole, dumbass.
This has happened to friends of mine.
He's gonna get a disease from fucking
his own dried-up jizz flakes.
- Oh, my God.
- And then he's gonna pass that disease on
to your vibrant, living pussy.
You're gonna have to go to your doctor.
You're gonna have to explain
what happened.
- Okay. Barbara?
- Yeah.
- Barbara?
Here's what's happening.
I'm a little fucked-up right now
'cause I took, like, expired
um, these homeopathic,
like, melatonin gummies,
and I've h I've smoked a lot of weed.
But clearly I'm having, like,
a hallucinatory episode
where you came to life
and, like, beckoned me in here
'cause I just needed to see you,
and I didn't want to take responsibility
for snooping, you know?
So here we are, and, like,
you're super fucking hot.
- Thank you. I know.
- I feel
really insecure about it,
and there's nothing we can do
about that now.
- No, no, no, no, no, there are things!
There is! Babe.
Babe, there's Botox.
There's Juvéderm.
You would benefit so much
from a forehead enlargement.
I don't know if it's a thing.
- Okay, Barbara?
- I'm gonna go ahead
and say your forehead's stocky.
- I'm gonna go back to bed right now,
and when I wake up,
you're gonna be inanimate again,
and I'm gonna buy a new bottle
of melatonin,
and we never have to do this again.
It was so nice meeting you.
- No, no, no, no.
Cody, please, please, please.
Cody, let's just talk about this, girl.
I like you so much.
Cody, you're being
such a dumb cunt right now!