Ed (2000) s01e01 Episode Script

Ed Stevens thougt he had a perfect life.
attorney at a prestigious law firm loving wife plenty of hope that is, till now.
Mr.
Farmer, Mr.
Sheehan I'm already well aware of my mistake.
I misplaced a comma.
I did this.
I take full responsibility for it.
Gentlemen, one misplaced comma in a 500-page contract this happens to the best of them.
Right? We're letting you go.
-What? That comma cost the firm $1.
6 million.
At least his wife's at home to comfort him.
-Lizzie-Liz Oh, my God.
You're the you're the mailman.
-He's notthemailman.
He'samailman.
He just happens to be one.
We met a couple of weeks ago at Starbucks.
-What? Now he's drowning his sorrows in high school memories.
Carol Vessey She's so pretty.
At times like these there's only one place to go back home to Stuckeyville to see old friends, to visit the old high school Ed Stevens? -I heard Carol Vessey teaches here.
True? You and Carol Vessey were friends? -I don't know if I'd call us friends exactly.
It was more like we were -Strangers? And ask out the girl he's always dreamed of.
-Yes? Carol Vessey, my name is Ed Stevens.
I would like to take you out to dinner tonight.
-Who are you? Ed Stevens.
Do you like Italian food? -I don't think I know you, Ed Stevens.
We went to high school together.
-Oh, God.
Carol, come on.
-Mr.
Stanton.
Who the are you? -Ed Stevens.
I had you for sophomore English.
I used to think you were the coolest teacher of all time.
So cool.
-Yeah, great.
Carol, come on, baby, don't be like this.
I've got an explanation.
-I don't want to hear any more of your explanations, Nick.
You've been gone for three days three days, not a word from you.
I can't do this anymore, Nick.
You call Mr.
Stanton Nick? -And if at first you don't succeed Look left, Little Ed.
-Try -You want to go to the pond? I haven't been to the pond at night since I was in high school.
And try again.
-What if I bowl a strike backwards with my eyes closed between my legs? Will you go to the pond? What? -Knock 'em down, Ed.
There he goes! (cheering) Ed: You see what's happening here, don't you? -Carol: What? What's that? I'm starting to grow on you.
And on his last night in town sometimes you do get a second chance.
I bought the bowling alley.
-You didn't do this because of what happened last night, did you? -What, are you nuts? Of course not.
Okay.
Think I'd uproot my entire life buy a bowling alley simply because we? (laughing) (laughing): Carol Vessey you're too much.
.
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
You know, Ed, they, uh have these things nowadays for moving What are they called? Oh, yeah, boxes.
-Now you tell me.
Hey, Mike, I've been thinking you know, I really want to pay you guys rent.
There's no way we're taking your money.
-I know.
That's why I offered.
Sometimes after she eats, she has a tendency to get a little colicky.
So if she fusses, here's what I like to do.
I pick her up like this and, um Hi, sweet love.
And I hold her straight out up and down I know it seems crazy but it really works.
I get my face real close to hers and I go Chi-chi-chi-chi, barrup, barrup! Chi-chi-chi-chi barrup, barrup! It'll be just like those sleep overs we used to have, remember? Staying up all night, eating pizza, playing Atari.
Waiting till you fell asleep and crazy gluing your hand to Jerry Herman.
Jerry Herman's hand to my.
-That makes you feel better? -A little bit.
Choo-choo-choo, a-burap-whop.
Choo-choo, burap-awhop-awhop.
Kind of like a like a whoop.
-Choo-up.
Choo-up.
Okay.
So do you think I should call Carol today? Sure, why not? -I should hold out a bit, let her dangle.
Make her wonder if I'm interested.
-Ed, I'm a married man.
I'm done with that strategy crap.
-'Cause I've got the big "Mo.
" I've got the momentum.
I don't want to move too slow.
Too slow? Your wife dumped you two weeks ago.
She slept with a mailman, yes, but I dumped her.
Relax, buddy, I'm on your side.
-Hello, Sarah.
This is your Mommy, and this is Mommy Vision broadcasting live from Mommy World.
All Mommy all the time So, Joanne, just let this video play all day and then when it stops just rewind it and play it again.
At 3:00, can I watch Queen Latifah? Sure.
(imitating chimp chattering) What is this? I taped myself reading some children's books because I thought it might help Sarah get through the day without me.
You're not worried she doesn't recognize you? No, Mike, it has nothing to do with me.
This is for Sarah.
Watch Mommy, honey.
Watch Mommy.
Is Mommy a chicken? (imitating chicken clucking) Sorry, buddy, we're not open yet.
I'm going to have to ask you to vacate the premises.
Who are you? I work here.
They call me Phil.
That's like my street name.
My real name is Philip.
Dropped the "ip" in high school.
Never looked back.
And you are? I'm Ed Stevens, the new owner.
I'm sorry.
Would you mind repeating that? I said, I'm Ed Stevens the new owner.
Danny Thomas.
Man was a comic genius.
(laughing) Oh, gosh, so, have you heard? Heard what? Mr.
Edward Stevens is back in town.
Oh, really? "Oh, really.
" That's it? That's all you got? I could throw in a "that's nice" if it would make you happy.
Come on, Carol.
You mean to tell me you're not interested in him? No, not in that way.
-And you don't feel any sort of obligation? No.
Why should I? Well, because you kissed the guy and he bought a bowling alley.
Molly, please, it did not happen that way at all and you know it.
You're lucky you didn't sleep with him.
He would have bought a strip mall.
Okay, so you live on Lane 16? My landlord and I had some creative differences.
All right, well, you just move that all out of the way when the customers show up, right? -Customers? -The bowlers.
Oh, Ed, no, no, no.
This place is as dead as my Aunt Frances.
Do you want to buy some steaks? What? -Kobe beef, my friend imported from Japan.
So tender, you can eat it with a spoon.
Japanese they call this "red gold.
" Talk to me.
This is all very bad.
(bell ringing) Carol: Plus, things are really good with me and Nick right now.
And today is? He's taking me away for the weekend.
Well, that's great.
All right, I'm going to dissect some frogs now.
Have fun.
Okay, class, first one to faint gets a lollipop.
Hey, Car Ms.
Vessey.
Warren.
Listen, um I know that you're probably really busy molding the future of America but, uh I was wondering if I could get some help after class.
With what? W-with, um well, I'd love to get your take on (with British accent): the great Bard of Avalon.
Shakespeare, I mean Yeah, I caught that.
You know what, Warren? My schedule is really tight today.
Victor! I hate that big kid.
Um, Warren, what do you say we get together after class tomorrow? Are you serious? Sure.
All right, cool.
Whatever.
C-cool.
Okay.
Well, hello, everybody.
I'm sure by now the staff is all abuzz with rumors about me.
You're probably wondering, hmm, who is this Ed Stevens? Well, let me tell you.
Ed Stevens is one of you.
That's right.
He was raised right here in Stuckeyville spent his high school summers behind that there counter and then one day he moved to New York City became a lawyer.
Took himself a wife.
You're probably thinking Ed Stevens is living the American dream, right? Wrong.
Ed Stevens was stuck in a back office proofreading contracts for 90 hours a week and then one day out of the blue, fired.
Come home and find my wife sleeping with another guy.
You're probably thinking, worst day of my life, right? Wrong again.
Best day of my life.
Best day.
Do you know why? Because it brought me back to where I was supposed to be right here.
Ed came home.
Well, anyway That'smystory.
Okay, who's next? That's good.
That chair thing it's very "cas.
" It puts us all on the same level.
Thanks, Phil.
You, sir, what's your name? Kenny.
And what should we know about Kenny? Anything at all.
Hobbies, favorite dessert.
Just breaking the ice here.
I got a whistling lung.
Okay.
Oh, oh, oh, okay, good.
Ice broken.
Right.
Okay.
How about you? What's your name? Shirley.
And what's special about Shirley? I got a kitty named Kenny.
Which is funny 'cause his name's Kenny but I didn't name it after him, though.
I didn't name it after anyone.
I just call him Kenny 'cause Kenny the kitty sounds so good, you know.
Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.
Here, Kenny Kenny, Kenny.
See? Hi, Doc.
Hi, Mr.
Potter.
What's wrong today? My taste buds are on the blink.
Everything I eat tastes like Canadian bacon.
Does that include Canadian bacon? I'll be right with you.
Wendy.
Dr.
Jerome.
It's for you.
Hello? Woman: At the tone, the time will be 9:07 and 40 seconds.
(beeps) Wendy, do office hours still begin at 9:00 a.
m.
or, uh? Yes, Dr.
Jerome.
I'm seven minutes late.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
I'msorry.
I was unaware that we've changed to a flex-time system.
I myself have never done it that way.
In the course of building a 38-year-old practice it's beenmyexperience that the patients like the doctors to be here on time.
But, hey, if this is the way we want to do it.
Again, I apologize for being seven minutes late, Dr.
Jerome.
No, no, no! We'll do it your way.
Wendy, tomorrow I'll be in at 9:22.
No.
Uh, actually, you know what? Call all my patients and tell them that I'll be in whenever the spirit moves me.
I want that man to die.
Think he'll die soon, Wendy? Now, people, what we have here is a bad bowling alley.
Question: How do we turn a bad bowling alley into a good bowling alley? Who's going to get us started? Don't be shy.
There are no bad ideas.
Yes, Phil? -Fill the place with whores.
-Excuse me? I know what you're thinking too sleazy but I'm talking about nice, friendly, singing kind of whores.
Like in the Dolly Parton movie.
These are real, down-home wholesome, Disney-looking whores.
This is fun for the whole family.
Okay.
No, that's that's one idea.
Prostitutes.
I think he may have something there.
If there were two bowling alleys exactly alike, but one of them had wall-to-wall whores I'd patronize the one with the whores.
Thanks, man.
Okay, why don't we move away from that, not because it's a bad idea there are no bad ideas just because at the end of the day, I'm not, you know, a pimp.
Anything else? Yes, Shirley? We could get Sammy Davis, Jr.
to come and perform here.
Shirley Sammy Davis, Jr.
is dead.
Oh.
Yes, jackpot! Ding, ding, ding! Thank you, brain! You're welcome, Phil.
Free legal advice for anyone who comes in and bowls.
Okay, Phil, remember how I said there were no bad ideas? I was wrong.
Bosco, ours is a litigious society and you, my friend, are a legal eagle, just like Debra Winger! Phil, I'm not actually practicing law anymore.
We charge two bucks a game, three game minimum.
That's six U.
S.
dollars per client, my friend.
We will all have butlers and yachts.
Okay, Phil, you Whoa, customer.
Look alive.
Customer Hey, hey, hey! Whoo! Welcome to Stuckey Bowl! (sighs) Can I interest anyone in a scone? You know how you go to a department store and they have an irregular rack? Irregular that's my staff.
They're they're.
Ed here's all you need to know about being a boss: It's better to be feared than loved.
That's Prince Matchabelli.
No.
That'sThe Prince by Machiavelli.
What's Prince Matchabelli? They make perfume.
-And they're successful? -I guess.
-Well, there you go.
Mike.
-Hi, Carol.
(laughing): -Hi.
Ed, I'd love to help you out here but I'm extremely hungry.
How you doing? Sorry Hello, Carol.
Hi, Mike.
How are you? Good.
How are you? Hey.
Ed.
Hi, Carol.
Hi.
How are you? I'm good.
I'm great.
Great.
Good.
Good.
You've got some coffee there, I see.
Yeah, yeah, you know, the stuff in the teachers' lounge is just ugh, so, I, um Good coffee here, though.
Yeah.
The best in town, it really is.
Have you tried the hazelnut? No.
Should I? Uh, well, that depends.
Do you like hazelnuts? I love them.
I love them.
You know, hazelnut and filbert are two different names for the same nut? No, I did not know that.
Ah, I wouldn't either except I worked in a fresh roasted nut store in college.
You pick up on that kind of thing working in a fresh roasted nut store.
(car horn honks) Carol, come on! I've I've got to get going.
Yeah, me, too.
Um but I'm going to see you around.
Okay.
Good.
You're here.
I'm here.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye, now.
(car engine starting) Hey, come on.
They've got pork chops.
(with baby talk): Whoa, I ate so much.
Offside, 35.
First down! (chuckles) Who thinks that's cool? Aw Really? That's so kind, Sarah.
Thank you.
Hey, who thinks Nick Stanton's a loser? I couldn't agree more.
Sarah, show karate show, you know? (grunts): Hoi! Karate show.
Hoi! Ed, you're hogging my baby.
Get one of you own.
Yeah, that ain't going to happen anytime soon.
Ed, have you spoken to Liz since you know? (whispering): Since she, um slept with the mailman.
No.
I think you should talk to her.
See what she has to say.
Liz isn't a bad person.
She's not a bad kisser either.
Mike! Well, that's a joke.
Took his mind off his troubles.
What? Two people who never have sex? (gasping): Mike, I just had a baby.
-Four months ago, honey.
At some point, the store's got to reopen for business or else it could lose customers.
Ow.
Wow.
Good comeback, honey.
You shouldn't have to see this.
Phil: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a lawyer in the room.
Here he is, is the attorney on a journey Ed Lee Bailey.
Step aside, people.
The lawyer is in.
Phil, what's going on? This is your new law office.
What? Here.
Put this on.
Come on, man, it's your lawyer wig.
I got them for everybody.
I say, objection, Your Honor.
Objection.
Say, Phil, I'm pretty sure I remember saying no to this idea.
Oh, come on, man, look at all these customers.
You can't send these people away.
I even got your diploma.
My last name is not Dershowitz.
(whispers): Dude, they don't know that.
I've been waiting 45 minutes.
Oh.
Sorry, sir, no, there's been a problem.
My next-door neighbor's stealing my driveway gravel.
I understand, but, see, this gentleman I brought pictures.
How much gravel is he stealing, sir? Whoo! My man is lawyering now.
(chanting): Here come the judge! Here come the judge! Order in the court, 'cause here come the judge.
Phil The judge and lawyer are two different things.
(clears throat) Okay.
Woman (on intercom): Dr.
Burton Mr.
Fiedler is here for his scalp treatment.
(knock on door) Come in.
Uh, two minutes please, Wendy.
Hey, Nance? What-what's wrong? You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, honey, you were right this morning.
I've been neglecting my marital responsibilities.
I just haven't been feeling very sexy.
It's okay.
I was just teasing you.
Let's wait until you're ready.
I think I am ready.
Tonight's the night, honey.
Me and you are getting it on.
Well, tonight could be tough, honey.
I've got a 50-page article to read in the Medical Journal (metallic clanking) Please, sit down.
Relax.
Enjoy each other's company.
It's not as though there's a patient waiting.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Jerome.
We Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! No need to apologize.
Wendy! I made them myself.
Shall I cut off your crusts, Dr.
Burton? Uh no, thanks.
Very well, then.
Have a lovely midday break.
Always a pleasure, Mrs.
Barton.
We've just been served sarcastic sandwiches.
From here on in, it'll be good-bye, hamburger andhello,strike-burger.
What do you think, Kenny? You're a regular P.
T.
Barnum.
Thank you, sir.
Ed.
Hey, Molly, how are you? I'm good.
Good.
Listen, um, I found this on my car.
Is this for real? You're actually opening up a law office in here? Phil.
Phil! Uh, 'cause I need a lawyer.
Well, then, you've come to the right bowling alley.
You're being sued.
Yeah.
I'm freaking out.
Stangleton Brothers Auto Repair 1.
600 bucks? 1.
600 bucks andthey ruined my car.
Here.
Get in.
What's wrong with it? Okay.
Are you ready? Guess so.
(engine sputtering) Please, good Lord! They claimed that I asked for this.
I didn't ask for this.
Why would somebody ask for this? Please turn this off.
Will you take the case? Molly, I'm not that kind of lawyer.
I've never actually been to court.
I will not turn it off until you take the case.
I'll do it.
Okay.
Okay.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
All right, now, Molly it's time for me to ask you a favor.
Okay, shoot.
Tell me if Carol said anything about me.
Ed, um, you know I would really rather not get involved.
-Come on, Molly, you owe me.
I'm the only thing standing between you and the big house.
Ed, you just split up with your wife.
Don't you think you need a little time to work through this before moving on to Carol? No.
You know, she and Nick Stanton are very serious.
I know about Nick Stanton.
And this is why I think I need to do something big with Carol.
I need to hit her with a bolo punch.
She needs to be razzle-dazzled.
And then she's all "Ooh! Ow! I don't know where I am.
I'm really groggy and I'll go out with you, Ed.
" Yeah! And this has worked for you in the past? Molly, if you're not born with the broad shoulders there's only one way to get the girl.
You make a complete out of your.
Ah, so the plan is to make an out of yourself? Jell-o is served.
I made you Jell-o, Carol.
Um, Warren, I am the teacher and you are the student.
so that makes it Ms.
Vessey, okay? You see, I think you got to start thinking outside the box.
Sorry.
Okay, class, The Merchant of Venice.
Who wants to read first? Warren.
"I am a Jew.
"Hath not a Jew eyes? "Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions "affections, passions? "If you prick us we do not bleed!" Uh "We do we not bleed?" Lovely Guinevere! It is I, Sir Edward! Excuse me.
I'm Whoa! Ha-ha! I have Ha-ha! Flowers for my lady! Aw, come on! I'm doing Shylock over here! Sir I'm a knight.
Could we take this outside? But, my lady, I beseech thee.
Ed, I am begging you.
-Very well, fair one.
Class, if you could just excuse me.
I'll be back.
And Warren, continue reading.
Thank you.
Sucks! I was up all night carving Jell-o.
Sucks! Ed, this is a very sweet gesture.
Really, it is, but this is my workplace and frankly, I find this a little embarrassing.
Go out with me tonight.
I can't.
You see, I have plans with my boyfriend.
Remember my boyfriend? Oh, yeah.
I remember your boy Complicated Nick.
(chuckles) It's actually pretty hot in there.
How about tomorrow night? I'm going away for the weekend.
I'm sorry.
But look at what I've done here today.
I'm adorable.
Yes, but I'm in a relationship like I told you.
Oh, Carol, you're in the wrong relationship.
Oh, really? Your boyfriend Nick Stanton? Okay, he's one of those sexy, mysterious, brooding artists "Look, I'm Ernest Hemingway" types.
I understand the initial appeal but I'm trying to say it's not for you in the long run.
It's not for me? No.
How would you know? We didn't say two words to each other all of high school.
Ten years passes, your wife leaves you and I'm very sorry about that suddenly, you come back into town and you're an expert on what kind of relationship I should be having? But you kissed me.
Yes, I kissed you.
I-I kissed you and and I don't know why I kissed you.
It was just sort of an in-the-moment kind of a thing.
You didn't have to go buy a bowling alley because of it.
because you kissed me, okay? I bought a bowling alley because it just so happens I love the game.
You love the game.
Yes, I do.
When played correctly, it's really quite beautiful.
I see.
Ed Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hi, Nick.
Who's that, new football mascot? -Oh, no, no.
He's just a friend.
I'm sorry, baby, but I can't go this weekend.
Why? -Got to write.
-Well, I'm about to do a little kicking of my own.
But we have been planning this for a really -I realize that and I'm sorry, but, hey, you know how it is.
I don't tell the words when to come.
I just write 'em down when they do.
Doesn't this mean anything to you at all? You know it does.
I just have to finish this book.
Please, understand.
Okay.
-I'll call you.
(metal clumping) Ed is at the bowling alley Sarah's asleep it's just me and you.
Nance, I really got to read this thing by tomorrow.
Aw, honey, six long months that dam must be ready to burst.
Honey, I really can't.
I got to read this thing about impetigo, seriously.
Oh, Mike, I love it when you talk about skin conditions.
Come on, Nance.
Honey, you are the one who is always saying "Honey, the store's got to reopen for business.
" Well, guess what.
One night only, we are having a going-out-of- business sale.
Hey, Nance, don't think I don't know what's going on here.
-What? I wasn't born yesterday.
You see I'm too busy to have sex.
You're pretending youwant to have sex, even though you don't really want to have sex.
What? You're trying to get credit for having sex without actually having to have sex.
It's genius.
So, Mike, call my bluff.
Come on.
Let's have sex.
Can't a man read about impetigo? Mr.
Stangleton? Mr.
Stangleton? Ms.
Hudson, what do you have for me cash, traveler's checks, gold bullion? How can you sue me? I didn't ask you to make my car hop.
Look, lady, if you're here to pay me, pay me.
If not, get out of my garage.
Mr.
Stangleton, let's just relax and talk this through, okay? Aren't you the little diplomat? Hey, Roy, how about a vodka for Dr.
Kissinger? Coming right up, Benjie.
Look, I brought my car in.
I asked you to change the oil filter and give me a tune-up and then you call me and tell me that I need a new alternator and I said fine.
There was never any discussion of making my car hop! It says right here on your contract: "Oil filter, tune-up, alternator, hydraulics.
" Why don't we bottom line this, guys, okay? Maybe it's your mistake and maybe it's our mistake but, really, does this look like a lady who subscribes toLow Ridermagazine? More like Bon Appetit.
-We're done here.
Let's go, Molly.
See you in court, boys.
"-See you in court.
" Very smooth.
Especially for a guy who's never been inside a courtroom.
Bye-bye.
All right, I'm done bowling.
Let's redraft my will.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Everybody freeze.
Let me see that score sheet.
Ed, cease and desist immediately.
This man has not bowled three games.
He is, therefore not entitled to free legal counsel.
All right, fine.
I'll just pay for the third game.
What is it, two bucks? What? Go bowl.
Scum of the earth.
I know.
Carol.
Ed.
Welcome to Stuckey Bowl.
So, you, uh, you own a bowling alley.
Yes.
Yes, I do.
All the pins, all the balls all the shoes, all mine.
I'm sitting on top of the world.
Ed Hmm? would you have dinner with me tomorrow night? Uh, Carol, you remember the guy in the suit of armor? Yeah.
-That was me.
-I know.
I know.
-Same guy.
Okay, just making sure.
So, would you? Ed? Ed? Hang on.
I'm playing hard to get.
Oh.
Just give me a few more seconds.
Uh-huh.
Okay, yes, I will.
Good.
Um, what time? 8:00.
Where? Um, Smokehouse Billy's Place for Ribs.
I'll be there.
Great.
Nice work, Bosco.
Please stop calling me Bosco.
ke: I got a problem.
Ed: What's the matter? You know Nancy and I haven't had sex since Sarah was born? So I've heard.
-Nancy's not the reason.
I am.
What do you mean? -Ever since Nancy had the baby, uh Yeah? -It's not that I don't find her attractive anymore.
I do.
I really do.
She's a beautiful woman, beautiful, very beautiful.
Nancy you kidding me?.
.
completely beautiful.
The problem is, now she's not just Nancy.
So? She's also Sarah's mom.
So, sex.
Sex has got to be a little dirty, you know? I think we all know that.
Take Nancy's breasts.
Is this too much for you? No.
No.
It's me, Ed, come on.
When I look at her breasts and they're great breasts, am I right? Abso I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that.
When I look at her breasts all I see is adorable little Sarah slurping away and once you get that in your head it's not easy to take care of business.
Hey, look, birds.
Woman: Stangleton Brothers Auto v.
Molly Hudson.
Mr.
Stangleton, you installed hydraulics in Miss Hudson's car at a cost of $1.
600? Yes, your Honor, and she refuses to pay.
Why won't you pay them? Well, because they're lying.
I never asked Your Honor, my name is Ed Stevens.
I'm representing Miss Hudson.
Of course, Mr.
Stevens, the bowling alley lawyer.
Ed: Your Honor just so you understand the term "bowling alley lawyer" suggests that I specialize in bowling alley-related cases.
Not so.
I own a bowling alley.
I am a lawyer.
Two separate things.
-Duly noted, Mr.
Stevens.
-Thank you, your Honor.
Now, my client refuses to pay simply because she never asked for hydraulics to be installed in her car.
Well, I am holding a service contract here that says that she ordered a tune-up, an oil filter, an alternator and hydraulics.
Can you explain this May I call a witness? -Man: Your Honor Ms.
Hudson, here, has hired herself a big-time, New York City lawyer who expects to traipse on into our little courthouse in our little town of Stuckeyville with his fancy cell phones and fax machines wielding his own brand of New York City justice.
Tepper: Sam, what is with the getup and the Southern accent? Take off the hat.
You look ridiculous.
Amanda, I'm trying to do my job.
Well, you're off to a flying start.
Go ahead, Mr.
Stevens.
Thank you, your Honor.
The defense calls Benjamin Socrates Stangleton to the stand.
"Tune-up, oil filter, alternator hydraulics.
" Mr.
Stangleton, how can you be so sure you did not add the hydraulics by mistake? Because we write everything down on the contract right when it's ordered.
Of course you do.
And did you, at any time place a telephone call to Miss Hudson? Yes, I did.
I told her she needed the alternator.
And she agreed to this? Yes, she did.
So, when my client came to your shop she first ordered the tune-up, the oil filter the hydraulics then you called her and she ordered the alternator, yes? Yes, sir.
Tune-up, oil filter, hydraulics, then alternator? Tune-up oil filter hydraulics then alternator.
Could you read this service contract for the court, please? "Tune-up, oil filter, alternator, hydraulics.
" "Alternator,hydraulics.
" Interesting.
Something troubles me about that, Mr.
Stangleton.
Perhaps you can help me out.
When my client comes to your shop, she orders a tune-up the oil filter, the hydraulics, thenthe alternator yet here, we have alternatorthenhydraulics.
How can that be? It's curious.
Confusing, isn't it? I don't understand.
So confused.
Wait a minute What about this? What about another customer orders the hydraulics you accidentally place them in my client's car then, to cover yourself you tack them on to the bottom of this service contract? Could that be it, Mr.
Stangleton? May I see that? He never read him his rights.
-I think he's got you, Socrates.
Forget the $1.
600.
Take out the hydraulics.
Give her $500 for her trouble.
Don't let me see you here again.
Oh, Ed, that was great.
You made him dance like a monkey.
Please, Miss Hudson, it's what I do.
-Oh look at you acting all cool.
Admit it, you love it.
-Oh, you're right, I love it (chuckling): and I owe it all to you.
My first client thank you, Molly.
-You're welcome.
Carol: So, Molly told me that you were actually amazing today.
Oh, I don't know, Carol.
You know, did you ever have one of those days when you have a big epiphany and suddenly you know what you're supposed to be doing in life? Um, no, not yet.
Well f-for me, anyway, today is one of those days.
I'm going to do this.
Do what? I'm going to open my own law practice.
Really? Yep.
I mean, today was just so cool, you know? I mean, the man-to-man, mano a mano me versus a guy named Benjie mano a Benjie.
(both chuckling) And, then, your bowling alley you're just going to sell it? God, no.
No, I love that place.
No, no.
This is my plan.
I'm going to have the best of both worlds.
Oh Oh.
Thank you.
Wait, let me get this straight.
You're going to open up a law practiceinsidea a bowling alley.
A bowling alley, yes! Yes.
You see? Like, they have Starbucks inside bookstores? Yeah? Law practice inside a bowling alley, yeah.
Bowling alley, right.
It's a new millennium.
(laughing): It sure is.
Thank you, Smokehouse Billy.
Well, um, then I would like to make a toast.
Okay.
To the world's first bowling alley lawyer.
I'm actually going to try and stay away from that phrase.
That's probably good thinking.
There was this one time in junior high when and I came up to you and sat next to you in the library and I had this crossword puzzle and I just started filling it out with random letters pretending I knew all the answers trying to make you think I was some kind of crossword puzzle genius.
(laughing) I I have no recollection of that.
Why didn't you just say something to me? You know, there must be a good reason.
I can't quite recall what it would be.
Oh, that's right I wasterrified.
Ah I see.
Well, itwas high school.
I had my share of killer crushes back then, too.
Yeah, the only difference being all you had to do was walk up to the guy in question and say, "I'm Carol Vessey.
I have a crush on you.
Begin dating me now.
" Yeah.
Right.
Exactly.
Because IamCarol Vessey and everything in my life turns out just exactly as I had planned.
I can't believe I'm going to do this.
I (sighs) I'm about to say something which could ruin what has been up to now a near perfect date.
"Near perfect"? I thought the onion loaf was a little soggy.
(laughing): What? Why are you out here with me if you're in love with Nick Stanton? I don't want to talk about Nick Stanton.
Okay.
Talk about Nick Nolte? Huh? Or is that off limits, too? I thought he was fabulous inThe Prince of Tides.
Yes.
Yes, he-he was good.
Well what's this? I just thought it would make up for the other night.
Oh, yeah? Shouldn't you be reading about scurvy or something? Uh-uh, scurvy can wait.
By the way, great chicken, honey.
I'll show you great chicken.
(chuckling): Nice double entendre.
(chuckles) I'll show you a nice double entendre.
(moaning softly) Mikey? Yeah, honey? Honey, are you okay? Oh, yeah, no, I'm just concentrating um, on-on the kissing stuff.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
(moaning softly) Peekaboo! There's Mommy.
(gasping): I can't see you, Sarah.
Peekaboo! There you are.
Peekaboo! Come on.
Well, Carol Vessey, I guess this is good night.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks for dinner.
Thanks for not ordering an appetizer.
(chuckles) Are you crying? Why are you crying? You could've had an appetizer.
You are very, very nice.
I apologize? Ed? -Yes? What went wrong in your marriage? (sighs) Well I was so good in bed I was so skillful in the art of lovemaking that my wife just couldn't handle it.
Poor woman was in over her head.
It was sad, really.
(chuckling): I see.
-And you're not buying that? No, no.
My wife Liz had has three tiny, little freckles on her cheek right here and when we went on our first date I nicknamed them Moe, Larry and Curly.
When she would smile she would get this really big dimple and Larry would just about disappear.
So, instead of ever asking, "How are you?" I would always ask, "How's Larry?" (chuckles) You know sometimes two people can fall so completely in love and yet be so completely wrong for one another.
It's fate's nasty side, I guess.
Yeah.
(chuckles) Yeah.
(moaning softly) Ed? -Mm-hmm? -Ed, um (whispering): Do you want to come inside? -I can't.
Oh.
Oh, no, 'cause that's-that's fine.
No, because, Carol, I can't help but think that you and I are on a double date, here.
You know? Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, how do you think Nick and Liz are getting along about now? (laughing): Yeah.
(laughing) Oh Good night, Carol Vessey.
On second thought maybe we're overthinking this thing.
You know, maybe I should just come right in.
Yeah, yeah, but you know what? Actually, Ed, I think you're right.
This is just a mistake.
-No, right, you're right.
I was right.
We were right.
You're right.
-Good.
-Right.