English Teacher (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
["Maniac" playing]
Just a steel town girl
on a Saturday night ♪
Lookin' for the fight of her life ♪
In the real-time world
no one sees her at all ♪
They all say she's crazy ♪
It can cut you like a knife ♪
If the gift becomes the fire ♪
On a wire
between will and what will be ♪
She's a maniac
Maniac on the floor ♪
And she's dancing like
she's never danced before ♪
She's a maniac ♪
- Oh, hello.
- Oh, you're so late.
You're so beautiful.
- You're beautiful.
- Call me after class.
Morning.
Let's have a seat, huh?
Jessica, tell your mom
she can't send me emails like that, okay?
It's inappropriate.
Oh, this is fun.
What up to you guys as well.
Oh, right No, wait All right.
Everyone did the reading?
The kids this year, I feel like
they're less woke. Did you notice that?
They're not into being woke anymore.
- It circled back around.
- It circled all the way around.
Now they're for
what they say they're against.
Right. And they're saying
the R-word again.
You had that kid What was he
saying about the Spanish Inquisition?
I had to teach both sides
of the Spanish Inquisition.
- It's so insane.
- He got upset, started crying.
- It was a whole thing.
- I have kids that are showing me
AI porn of Oscar Wilde
having sex with women.
He was gay.
Six years at this school.
Today, no Dinty Moore.
- Dinty Moore stew?
- What is Dinty Moore?
I can't believe
they even still make that stuff.
Whenever I see it,
I think it's a can of dog food.
Guess I'm dieting today,
which is good, by the way,
'cause all these little fuckers
roaming around
- filming everything we do
- [both] I know.
and sending it off to communist China.
What are you talking about?
Let me ask you.
Why is the number one app in the world
- No politics.
- run by America's only enemy?
- Didn't we say no politics?
- I did say that.
Didn't we make a policy: no politics?
People say they vote with their dollar.
A lot of people do.
I vote with my dollar.
I also vote with my vote, okay?
And I never choose who I'm gonna vote for
till after the debates.
- That is not true.
- It's 100% true.
- It is not true that you wait
- Believe it, buddy, all right?
It's called nobility of spirit.
You got it too. Deep inside.
You just need a hot boyfriend
to spank it out of you every morning.
Do not bring lunch from home.
- It's not worth it this year.
- [Gwen] Wait, what?
I can't be carrying this much shit!
- What do you mean "this year"?
- They upgraded the lunch.
- Look. Markie's got pecan pie.
- Who upgraded the lunch?
Dude, you guys gotta respond
to my stock guy.
He's got new opportunities.
I don't want you guys to miss out.
Rick, I would politely ask you
to stop sending us those emails
because those actually are spam,
and that guy, I think, is scamming you.
This guy is legit.
I met him at a TED talk.
- You went to a TED talk?
- Yeah.
Or was it TEDx?
It's different? What's different?
This is why I get my paycheck in cash.
It goes right in the safe.
That's insane. Are you stupid?
You're losing .8% each year.
You pay taxes on that?
Taxation is theft.
Right. Who is that?
[Gwen] That's the new physics teacher.
- He's filling in for Jennifer
- He's cool.
for the first semester, or the year,
if she does well on The Amazing Race.
I can't believe she got on that show
with a hernia.
No, I think it was a atopic baby.
- That's not the word.
- [Grant] Evan.
Evan, can I talk to you in my office?
- Now?
- Yes. Come, come.
No vaping. I can smell it.
No, you can't.
Here it is
Oh. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
- You're being investigated.
- I'm being investigated?
- For what?
- A mom named Linda Harrison
- Linda Harrison?
- I know that name.
alleges that you kissed your boyfriend
- in front of her son
- Oh, my God.
and a whole class of other high schoolers
at the end of last school year.
You talked to me about that
when it happened. That was nothing.
I know. But now she's made a formal
complaint, and I have to read this.
Wait, her kid That kid graduated.
He's in college now.
Why is she doing this now?
I don't know.
Why does anybody do anything?
Wait a minute. Linda Harrison.
I remember that name.
That's the mom that complained
about the assigned reading.
- Lewd content, yeah.
- Lewd content, right?
And do you remember what the book was
that she said was lewd?
The Great Gatsby.
Do you know how long
that's been on the curriculum?
- Oh, my God.
- This doesn't make sense.
This is political.
She's doing a political move.
Yeah, politics are real.
Why doesn't Markie ever get investigated
for all that shit he says?
- Who?
- Markie.
Markie, the gym teacher. Markie.
Mark He can't be investigated.
He has a protected victim status
- How do I get that?
- because he was injured
in a car accident in his first week
of training in the ROTC,
and he's 1/32nd Native American,
and he has paper proof of that.
- This is insane.
- I mean, you kissed her
You kissed your boyfriend
in front of her son.
- This is serious now.
- I literally was just, like
Just like barely Just like
I don't even know if our lips touched.
Do you understand? This is homophobia.
- This is what homophobia's like.
- I don't care what it is.
- It's insidious.
- I'm agoraphobic.
So what do I do?
I just wait for my fate to be decided?
I don't know. You can do anything. You
If you hand in your resignation letter,
you could work
in a restaurant or something,
or, you know, do a short film
with your friends.
Join Amway. Amway is very good.
You want me to quit this job?
No, I don't want you to quit.
I don't want you to quit.
She wants you to quit.
[sighs] Look, what I want you to do is
write a statement
in defense of your position, okay?
- I'll submit it on your behalf.
- In defense?
- That's what I can do.
- I'm not writing a statement.
- This whole thing is bullshit.
- It's not bullshit.
You're lucky they're not suspending you.
Grant, let me ask you something.
- Her kid Remember that kid?
- Yeah.
Is he gay now?
He's in college and he's gay now, right?
I always felt like that kid was gay.
Just Evan, just stop.
- Stop. Just stop.
- I'm right? I'm right.
She thinks I turned her kid gay.
- Will you stop that?
- This is insane!
Evan, just please take
the rest of the day off!
I mean, I guess I have said this before.
Not to, like, whatever,
but I did quit for a reason.
I know you quit for a reason.
I'm, like
I really am thriving right now.
They're, like, giving away
tech jobs in Austin.
I've worked at the job
for, what, two months now.
I've used my dental insurance
four times. Four times.
I'm getting braces for, like, no reason.
I'm not gonna quit teaching.
I can't just work in tech.
I need a job that means
something to me, which I hate.
Yeah. No, that that sucks.
Maybe if you were in a city school
here in Austin, it would be one thing,
but these suburbs,
they're still, like, very old-fashioned.
No, but I have to stay there
because somewhere bigoted like that
is where you can make the most difference.
Like, what am I doing if I'm not
trying to improve the future
for these kids
that come through that system?
If I just succumb to the evil intentions
of their conservative parents,
then the kids are gonna grow up
to be exactly like them.
- Then it's 1980 again or worse.
- Okay.
I mean, I will just say, like,
I wouldn't think of
all conservatives as evil.
- I don't.
- I'm conservative at this point.
- No, you're not.
- No, not about everything.
- I still want social progress.
- You say it 'cause it's kitschy,
but you're not actually a Republican.
No, I really It's like, I am
against a lot of what the left
I don't know what I am anymore.
I listen to Red Scare.
If my very desire to fuck is
I love this song.
If my very desire to fuck is,
like, up for debate
or potentially evil to them
I don't know. We have to do something.
Oh, "we"? You and I?
- You and I, us together
- No.
go talk to the school board.
We're the ones who kissed.
"We" are not even together
anymore 'cause you can't commit.
You always act like I broke up with you.
But I didn't break up with you.
We broke up with each other.
I'm not going back
anywhere near that school.
And I'm certainly not getting involved.
On that note, if you are open to it,
I would be down
to hang out today at your place.
- Okay. Wow.
- I'm supposed to take
the rest of the day off
to think about my actions.
See, this is your whole thing.
- [sighs] This is my thing.
- You create your own problems.
Like this, for example.
What happens if you get me pregnant?
Like, are we gonna keep the baby?
I can't raise a baby. I work in tech.
If I get you pregnant,
it would be a miracle.
["Little Dark Age" playing]
Forgiving who you are ♪
For what you stand to gain ♪
This behavior would not only be tolerated,
but encouraged
if a straight couple did the same.
Homophobia
[phone rings]
Hello.
What are you doing, you little gay guy?
I love when you call me that. Um
I'm writing this official statement
that I have to submit
for this investigation.
What do you have so far?
"To Whom it may concern:
I pecked my boyfriend on the cheek,
perhaps making momentary
passing contact with his lips,
in front of a class of his students.
We were in a serious relationship
at the time, and it is clear to me
that this behavior would not
only be tolerated but encouraged
if a straight couple did the same."
That's all I have.
It feels kinda defensive.
No, no. I think that's good.
- You're in the right on that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Did you talk to Malcolm about it?
We hooked up today, actually.
Oh, my God. [chuckles]
Crazy. I didn't know
you guys did that still.
Yeah, barely. Sometimes.
Did you guys do it at the school
in front of all the students?
- Ha, ha, ha.
- I got you. I got you.
[Nick] Do you want regular or vegan pizza?
The vegan one.
Sorry, Nick's making dinner,
and he's just basically
been trying to busy himself
- since he lost the job.
- Mmm.
He's been making, like,
those Hello Fresh meals
that are too salty.
Tell him I love him.
Evan says he loves you.
Aw. He loves you too.
Okay, I gotta I gotta go.
I love you so much.
Okay, love you. Bye.
["Nirvana" playing]
[sighs]
I get lost in the night
and I'm with you ♪
A thousand times ♪
Ooh, you love me right
in Nirvana, so fast ♪
You're the best part of a sad song ♪
You got me all out of breath
Too fast ♪
And I miss you when I'm going home ♪
And I've been running in circles again ♪
But I swear that I can feel the end ♪
If I'm not in Nirvana ♪
You're not out of my head ♪
I've been out there running
like a lonely soul on fire ♪
Everybody's talking ♪
And I can't get through the night ♪
Somewhere in the middle
Did it ever cross your mind? ♪
I get lost in the night
and I'm with you ♪
A thousand times, ooh ♪
Ow! Jesus!
Think fast, Marquez. Come on, man.
You can't just throw a ball at me
and then say "think fast."
I can't anticipate a ball
that just appears out of nowhere.
- Working on your defense statement, I see.
- I'm not allowed
That's a piece of shit. I can tell.
How do you know I have to write
a defense statement?
Because I know things, man.
I got my ear to the grindstone.
You know it's "nose to the grindstone"
or "ear to the ground"?
No, it could be whatever you want.
I got my finger on the pulse, okay?
- That's correct.
- Okay.
Put this in there: "I am being targeted
for harassment because I" You
"I am a proud gay man."
I'm not that proud.
You gotta fight fire with fire
these days, Marquez.
Life's not a fucking poem.
- It's a full-contact sport.
- Ow. Jesus.
I'm just saying, man, like
These kids, they want the power
they feel when they get you in trouble.
They're the inmates
who wanna run the asylum
It's not a bad point.
But the thing is the kid is not trying
to get power in the situation.
It's his mother.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Linda Harrison.
Oh, God. I'm not supposed to tell you.
- It's her son?
- I was supposed to
- He took your class
- keep it anonymous.
Holy shit, dude. She's saying
because her son's gay, right?
- I didn't turn her son gay.
- I'm not
Well, you're sure about that?
It doesn't work that way, Markie.
You can't turn people gay.
I'm not saying you did it on purpose,
but, look, he sees you being you
and thinks, "That's how I wanna be."
That's how I felt the first time
I saw Jose Canseco in person.
- Who is Jose
- There he is.
Eric "Not-So-Speedy" Gonzalez.
17:51.
Wow.
[Monica] which is why
I think this whole book
and the idea of people
being spied on 24/7 is bullshit.
- Don't curse.
- This is book club. It's fine.
- It's not actual class.
- Still technically school.
This is coming from our teacher
who's being investigated?
How do you know that?
Come on. Everybody knows this.
You kissed your little boyfriend
in front of the students.
Well, whatever I did or didn't do,
I'm not gonna talk about it with you guys.
Just claim they're attacking you
because you're Hispanic
- and they have a racist agenda.
- That has nothing to do with it.
Hispanic would never work anyway
because they can do, like,
one of those DNA tests and disprove it.
Oh, my God, Becca. He is Hispanic.
- In what way?
- His mom's from Colombia.
That's not Hispanic.
Hispanic means Mexican.
- I'm calling the cops.
- You're bullying me.
You're bullying me
'cause I told you not to talk to me.
Look, Mr. Marquez.
You're gay, you're Hispanic.
This is a slam dunk here!
Gay doesn't count anymore.
And he talks like a straight white guy.
I think your voice is a little gay.
- Actually really gay.
- Oh, thanks.
If they're gonna get you,
they're gonna get you.
There's nothing you can do about it.
They got me,
and I had everything going for me.
Jeff, they got you for selling molly
at junior prom.
I was doing it as a bit.
And they've all been trying to get me
since the first time
I wore those camo overalls,
- which I was also doing as a bit.
- Jeff, what do you mean by "bit"?
Just something I'm doing
and I really mean it.
- That's not right.
- Why would you stay at a job
- if they're treating you like this?
- Exactly.
Because this job is important to me.
I like watching young kids bloom and grow.
Don't say that at your trial, okay?
It sounds creepy.
There's not gonna be a trial, okay?
You guys are fucking
You're freaking me out.
- [student] You just said the F-word!
- [Monica] No cursing at school.
[Evan] Okay. That's our time.
Hopefully, we can be
more productive next week
when your essays are due.
Thank you.
Mr. Marquez, look.
We're on your side, okay?
Fuck those people who don't like
little gay kisses, you know?
Look.
New physics teacher hasn't learned
to not eat the nachos yet.
[Gwen] He's gonna find out soon enough.
In the bathroom.
I heard Oh, God. There's bone in that.
I heard he won, like,
best teacher in the state
or something in Louisiana.
Hey, Froot Loop! Froot Loop!
- You can't call me Froot Loop, Markie.
- It's just the name of a cereal.
Then why don't you say "Cheerios"?
There ain't nothing gay about Cheerios.
- Listen. Evan, listen.
- What, Markie? What?
You're never gonna believe this, okay?
My students, they want me
to explain non-binary.
What does that have to do with me?
You're gonna give the speech.
It's your lucky day.
- No, I'm not!
- You know you want this.
- No!
- This is your hero moment.
- Come on, buddy.
- Markie
Opportunity knocks. Who's home?
- Evan's home. Evan, please.
- I'm not doing this.
You're gonna ask me three more times.
It's not happening!
All right, everyone, listen up.
This is Mr. Marquez.
He is here to teach you all
about non-binary.
He is our very special gay guest.
Clap. Clap for him now, everyone.
- Clap.
- Gwen, what are you doing here?
- Supervising. I'm covering.
- Don't you have a class?
- No, no.
- Why don't you teach it to them?
- You're the expert.
- I'm the expert?
I'm not I'm binary.
- What?
- Doesn't mean what you think.
- You are losing 'em, dude.
- Okay. Hello, class.
My name is Mr. Marquez.
I am a teacher here at school
that many of you know,
and I'm here to talk to you today
about a subject that I think you all,
like, know about already
because you're all on Tumblr
- [Malachai] Tumblr is dead.
- You're all on the Internet,
you're on TikTok and Instagram,
and you know this stuff,
so I don't know why
you're asking me to explain it.
But a non-binary person, right,
is just somebody
who does not identify as male or female.
Like a hermaphrodite.
- No, not at all.
- Yes.
And that word
is not in use anymore, is it?
- I
- Is it?
- I don't know. I
- It's very simple, okay?
Your teachers this year,
we all had to state our pronouns
- before class, right?
- We know all this.
Then why did you ask me
to explain it to you?
You have been set up, hundred percent.
Yeah, like, we've been recording you
this entire time.
See, you were supposed to fail
at explaining it
'cause you're, like, horrible with words.
So that was finna go everywhere online.
Oh, my God.
They just wanted to fucking film you
talking about it.
- That is so
- [Evan] That is very nefarious.
This isn't right.
Please don't film your teachers
doing things like this, him or me.
I know he's worse than me,
but I don't need this on the Internet.
- Please don't put that on
- [student] I feel attacked right now.
- You feel like what?
- I feel attacked right now.
I feel attacked!
Here's my statement.
I also wanna say in conjunction with this
that this whole thing
is very messed up, okay?
This has messed up
the beginning of my year.
- It's
- What's this in regards to?
What's The investigation into
this completely innocuous thing.
Oh, my God. Evan
Expressing love
to my life partner at the time.
Evan, the investigation is over.
Sorry. I forgot to tell you.
I forgot to tell you.
What the fuck are you talking about?
The mom dropped the whole case.
The whole thing.
Done. Gone. Boom.
- What?
- Well, she
Well, apparently Markie talked to her.
- Markie talked to her?
- Yeah, they're close.
I don't know how, but yeah,
he talked some sense into her.
It's done.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Um, no, but there is one thing.
The district did say did say one thing.
Let me find it.
That you are strictly forbidden
from dating
That you are strictly
That you are strictly forbidden
from dating faculty from now on.
Hmm? You'll be fired, otherwise.
You're okay with that, right?
Yeah.
You should read my statement.
I spent all week on it. It's really good.
Oh. Uh, sure. Yeah.
Oh, "To whom it may concern"
"Gestapo" usually comes with a capital.
But it's really good. Really good.
[paper shredder whirs]
Markie. Markie.
You talked to the mom. This is incredible.
Oh, dude, yeah. Don't even sweat that.
I've known Loudmouth Harrison for years.
We used to call her Bass Mouth.
You wanna get a hook in there, don't you?
This is phenomenal. Oh, my God.
The relief I am feeling.
Not a problem. You help me, I help you.
What happened? What did you say to her?
I walked into the country club
where she frequents,
caught her three martinis in and said,
"Hey, back off, or I'ma tell everyone here
that your son is gay."
- You what?
- I mean, he is gay.
It's not lying. You know, it's
just hitting her with the truth.
Some people can't handle that shit.
No, you can't use homophobia
to fight homophobia.
- We work with the tools we have.
- No.
What's the big deal? I did you a
Come on. Are you mad?
The big deal is I wanted
to win this for real, Markie,
- not with threats from you.
- It's not a threat.
They're all gonna find out eventually.
I just offered to expedite the process.
I This is about principles, Markie.
This is about my right to exist
as a man in the modern world
without being harassed by women like this.
This is about ethics and and ideals.
Wake up, Evan!
No one gives a shit about
your highfalutin ideals, bro. Okay?
Seriously. Life is a football game,
and you keep showing up
in a goddamn tutu, all right?
We were down, fourth and one.
I called the play, quarterback sneak.
Now we got a new set of downs,
and you can go stand behind
a bent-over dude again, all right?
I saved your job, man,
because you're a friend.
That's what friends do.
We help each other out, and if that's
not part of your fucking code,
then I don't know
what else to say to you, dude.
I don't understand the football stuff
you were saying
but
thanks.
- Thank you.
- Wait, hold up.
All right.
Hey, anytime.
See? Anytime.
I got you,
Froot Loop.
[door slams]
["You and I" playing]
But you're a liar if you say
that you're fine ♪
Bet you wonder if I think of you now ♪
[Rick] Evan! What up?
Have you met Harry, the new guy?
He's looking for some dry erasers.
Kids keep drawing bubble butts
on his board.
This guy hoards everything.
[Evan chuckles]
I do have an extra eraser.
Hey, I actually forgot
to introduce myself.
- I'm Evan Marquez.
- Hi, Harry Daughtler.
- I
- Nice.
Gwen said you're from Louisiana.
Yeah.
My home got destroyed in the storm so
Oh, wow.
Tryna build a new home here, you know?
That's great. I'm so sorry
It's not great. I'm sorry about the storm.
It sucked. [chuckles]
I like your shirt.
This white shirt?
Yeah.
You and I ♪
You don't wanna talk about it ♪
You don't wanna talk about ♪
You and I ♪
We don't ever talk about it ♪
But in my head ♪
Oh, you say
Say you still want it ♪
That you're done with being lonely now ♪
It's you and I ♪
You and I ♪